Okay, corky.
I heard you the first six times.
I'm not deaf.
I'm just ignoring you.
All right,
I know it's here somewhere.
You got your glasses,
shoes, purse...
Keys or briefcase?
Briefcase.
This always happens
on car pool day.
(Doorbell ringing)
Always happens every day.
All right, murph
What's missing
this time?
Purse, glasses, shoes...
Keys or briefcase?
Briefcase.
I know I had it...
Hey, avery, look.
I found another "w."
Now you can spell "white water."
Where did I last see it?
Look in the freezer.
That's where you left
Your keys last time.
Sometimes,
she comes home
She goes straight
for the ice cream--
Ladle in one hand
Triple brownie
in the other...
It's not a pretty sight.
Well, that does it.
I've searched
the entire house.
My briefcase has vanished
off the face of the earth.
Have you checked
your car?
Of course!
It's in my car,
right where I left it.
Come on, frank.
You'll make us late.
Me?!
Murphy:
come on, come on.
Do you ever have that dream
Where she's just
a giant screaming head?
Good-bye, sweetheart.
Mommy's going
to miss you.
Bye, eldin.
Bye-bye, avery.
Here you go.
Say "bye."
And as the hurricane moves on
Silence once again descends
on the peaceful island village.
Murphy:
eldin!
Wait! A shift
in the wind patterns.
Quick, back to the huts!
(Door opening)
Eldin, tell me
you did something
With my car.
Tell me
you moved it.
I won't be mad.
I once touched
your side mirror
And you rapped me
across my knuckles.
All right, murph, think.
Are you sure that's
where you left it?
In my driveway, frank?
I think so.
I used to park it
in my closet
But it wrinkled
my clothes.
Okay, it's got to be there.
I'm just going to open
the front door
And my car will be there.
It's not there.
(Horn honking)
I don't believe this.
Somebody stole my car.
Some... (Honking)
Son of a... (Honking)
Stole my car!
Oh, great.
I'm going to spend my whole day
in a police station
While some lowlife
joyrides around town in my car
Changing the mirrors,
readjusting the seats...
He's probably got it
stripped to the rims by now.
Except in your case.
Your car is so beautiful
He'll probably
just keep it...
Until these guys find it.
It's not fair, frank.
Why couldn't they take
That brand-new lexus
across the street?
They're well-built,
low maintenance
And feature dual air bags.
Don't these jerks
read consumer reports?
Sure. It helps them decide
which bread-makers to steal.
Murph, I know you're upset,
but when you think about it
You're pretty lucky.
They only took
material stuff.
Nobody got hurt.
Oh, right. I'm lucky.
They took my car,
my briefcase, my cassettes
That fancy tape recorder
I borrowed from you...
You left that in your car?!
Yeah. I guess
we're both lucky.
Look, frank
I know it's just a car
But someone
was in my driveway
While I was
in my house sleeping--
While my kid was sleeping
I know, I know.
Here you go.
I'd like to report
a stolen car...
Oh, great--
murphy brown.
Just what I needed today--
To be part of some
"get the cops" expose.
And me without my doughnut.
Imagine my embarrassment.
I'm not here
to do an expose.
I'm here because
my car was stolen.
I want it back.
Why don't you guys
ever go after firemen?
Everybody loves firemen.
"Oh, there's kitten
in the tree.
Let's call
the big, brave firemen."
Did you ever stop to think
Maybe it's the fireman
lobbing 'em up there
In the first place?
I don't seem to be
getting through to you.
How do I explain this?
You see this key?
There used to
A car attached to it.
Now it's a very expensive
letter opener.
Your car really was stolen?
Yes, officer.
Yes, it was. Yes.
Fill out this form
and wait over there.
We'll get to you
when we can.
This will take all day.
I don't have all day
Is there some sort
Of policeman's ball
coming up?
I'll take
tickets.
Let me handle this, murph.
List
sergeant..foley.
Now, I don't know
if you've seen any of my reports
But I ha
spent some time
Riding around with the guys
from the second district.
I even took a b*llet once.
Still aches a little
when it rains.
Anyway...
What we've got here
is a - - .
Check the teletype
for any repos or impounds
Do a flash lookout--
Make sure we nail this perp.
Yes, sir. We'll do that.
Just as soon as she
fills out this form
And waits over there.
It's a, uh...
A - , murph.
Black ink.
Press firmly.
I'm going to check out
the wanted posters.
Let me guess
what happens now.
I fill this out
and it sits on someone's desk
Collecting coffee rings.
Shouldn't you be
setting up roadblock
And while we're at it
How about more patrols
on the street?
Yeah, I'll do that.
Right after I flash the big
"help us, batman" sign
In the sky.
I don't know what fantasy world
you're living in
But we don't have the money,
nor do we have the manpower
To put patrols
on everyone's street.
They don't have to be
on everyone's street.
Just mine-- cambridge place.
Look, ms. Brown
We do the best we can.
But if you want feel safer,
join your neighborhood watch.
They're very effective
at preventing crime.
Oh, right--
my neighborhood watch.
I'll get in touch with them.
What's the name of the neighbor
on duty last night
And why the hell
weren't they watching my car?
The only ne I have
Is the head of the group
in your area.
It's a margaret stritch.
Mrs. Stritch? That woman
who's always out pruning
In the hat and gloves?
She flies out of her house
If your kid touches
one lousy azalea
But they come for your car
and it's "be my guest."
Here's her number.
I'm sure she'd love
to hear from you.
I have work to do.
When you finish
filling out your form
Let me know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you know...
This isn't going to look
very good on my expose.
But you said
this wasn't an expose.
What kind of expose would it be
If I just walked in
and said it was
An expose?
Hidden camera in the purse?
I'll go fill out the form
over here.
I think we're ready to start.
I think we're all here.
I want to welcome our
newest member, murphy brown.
Because she's the one
that requested this meeting
I'll turn the floor
over to her.
Thank you, mrs. Stritch.
It's too bad
we have to get together
Under these
circumstances.
I've been meaning
to have you all over.
Then how come
you never invited us?
Years
you've been next door.
I haven't gotten
so much as a cup of coffee.
I've just been very busy.
Have you had coffee?
Have you?
How about you?
Mr. Swenson
I think it's safe to say
None of us has gotten
a cup of coffee.
Why don't just get
to the point
You may not know this,
but something has happened
In this neighborhood
that affects us all.
My car was stolen.
(Murmuring)
But I didn't call this
meeting to get sympathy.
You wanted to warn us that
it could happen to us too?
Oh. Well, sure, that.
And to tell you that we
have got to start taking
This crime situation
more seriously.
Now I'm not saying it was
your fault my car was stolen
And I don't expect any of you
to step forward
And offer to pay
the $ deductible
Even though it might help
assuage your guilt
Over what was obviously
some pretty shoddy
Neighborhood
watching.
You're not the only one
who was hit by crime.
Our volvo wagon
was stolen too.
Six months
before yours.
All of courtney's
flash cards were in it.
It's not just cars.
Our home was broken into
when we were out of town.
This just proves my point.
We have to stop talking about
this problem and do something.
We have got
to start getting aggressive
About protecting ourselves.
Bravo. Well said.
Now is a good time to report
that the new stickers came in.
They say, "we're watching you"
And the little eyes
glow in the dark.
Stickers. Great idea.
But why stop there?
Why don't we climb up
into our tree house
And pelt the bad guys
with water balloons?
We have to take action.
Stickers are no good.
If someone comes near my door,
I bark like a dog.
You know
We're not as incompetent
as you think.
We've organized nightly patrols.
That's an excellent idea--
Bearing in mind
that some of us have
Very busy schedules
and wouldn't be available
But I'd be happy to leave
cookies and coffee
On my stoop so you patrollers
could stop and enjoy.
Sure, now she's got coffee.
What about security gates?
I know they would help
those of us
With small
and exception children
Sleep a lot better at night.
Now, you know there's a two-year
waiting list for permits.
There's not much chance
of speeding that up
Now that clarence thomas has
moved out of the neighborhood.
Can't you talk them?
I don't know him.
Well, what good are you?
What are we talking
about here-- gates?
You want to turn this
into a gated community?
Not just a gated community--
an electrified gated community.
But the damn permit department
wouldn't consider that.
It would have been great--
like a giant bug zapper.
I told you
the gate issue is dead.
Now let's talk
about what we can do.
I'm pleased to announce
that the georgetown g*n shop
Has offered us a ten percent
discount on all handguns
a*mo and silhouette targets.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You people aren't really
considering buying g*ns?
Actually,
we already have one.
I have a g*n hidden
in every room.
I'm never more
than five paces away
From a little peace of mind.
Margaret, you were
absolutely right
About that new
graphite grip.
It's worked wonders
on our nine-millimeter.
I had to give up my nine-millie.
The recoil
aggravated my bursitis.
Whoa. Hold on.
You keep a g*n in your house?
What about your kid?
It's locked up,
and the b*ll*ts
Are in a different part
of the house.
What good does it do
if somebody breaks in?
That's what
I keep telling her.
All this talk
about g*ns.
g*ns are crazy.
Grenades-- that's what you want.
You get the element of surprise
And you don't have
to be so accurate.
But will anybody
sell them to you?
No.
I have to tell you
When I was thinking
of taking some action
I was thinking of something
a little less road warrior.
g*ns? Gates? Grenades?
Why don't we just build a moat
and get a vat of boiling oil?
Yeah, try to get
a permit for that.
I've got to be honest.
I don't exactly feel safer
knowing I'm surrounded
By a bunch of people
who are armed to the teeth.
Is that the way we want to live?
A trigger-happy community
Where we sh**t first
and ask questions later?
It wasn't an easy decision.
We didn't feel safe
in our own home.
Even with the bars
and the alarm system.
You can't rely
on the police anymore.
So we banded together
to take back our streets.
If we don't watch out
for each other, who will?
(Car alarm wailing)
Whose is that?
It's on the next block.
Oh, good.
Now...
Where were we?
Unbelievable.
Somebody actually suggested
putting up a guard tower.
Next I'll be tunneling
for freedom
And making a fool
out of colonel klink.
Between the fence
and that barking man
You need a neighborhood watch
To watch
your neighborhood watch
I could hardly wait to get
those people out of my house.
Later I started
to hear things outside.
You know, those creepy
"is-it-the-wind
Or-is-it-something-else"
noises.
I actually thought
of calling mrs. Stritch
And asking her to drop by
with her . --
The one she calls
her little friend.
It's the times we live in.
Any strange noise, and
your heart starts to pound.
Maybe it's nothing,
but you can't be se.
Did you know
They can press charges
if you call too much?
Look, I can understand
why you guys are upset.
Murph, your car was stolen.
Miles...
You were born that way
But don't you think you're
getting a little paranoid?
Oh, and you haven't?
Why do you keep a nine iron
under your bed?
In case the burglar
Finds the butcher Kn*fe
in my nightstand.
Okay, maybe I'm getting
a little paranoid too.
It's not paranoia.
Remember how many times
my car stereo was stolen
Before I bought
the kind that pulls out?
That was fun,
lugging it around
Everywhere I went...
Till that guy mugged me
on the street
And took it.
Try being a woman living alone.
When the doorbell rings
and they say it's the pizza guy
It could be a crazy person
Who knocked out
the real pizza guy
And is coming to k*ll you
And eat pizza
over your lifeless body.
I remember when you didn't
have to lock your door.
I've got security codes
for my house, my luggage...
I live in fear of the day
I accidentally punch
my a.t.m. Number
Into my house alarm
And security comes screeching
onto my lawn
Blows me away, and bills
my estate $ for a house call.
Did I tell you guys
I started taking
a self-defense class at the y?
It's in such a dangerous
part of town.
How is it?
I thought there would be
people my age.
I know how to use a walker
as a w*apon.
Well, I hardly think
v*olence is the answer.
If someone
Tries to take my wallet,
he can have it.
Let him go
for my grandfather's watch
And he can feel the business end
of my umbrella.
You can't whack him.
That's just
going to make him mad.
She's right.
You have to b*at him
until he's dead.
You just wing him
He can turn around and sue you.
A cop told a friend
If you catch a prowler outside
your house and you k*ll him
You have to drag him inside
So it looks
like breaking and entering.
Not enough. Not enough.
My cousin, a paralegal
Says after you drag
the body inside
You have to put
a Kn*fe in his hand
So you can plead
self-defense.
Oh, really?
And he's a paralegal?
It wouldn't hurt
to eat a few twinkies.
If the self-defense thing
doesn't work
You've got insanity
to fall back on.
Would you listen to us?
When did words
like "b*ating"
Become part
of everyday conversation?
There's a part of us
That's been pushed so far,
we're ready to push back.
I know I am.
I have this fantasy
Where I see the guy
who took my car stereo.
I run up behind him,
tap him on the shoulder.
When he turns around...
Bam! I knock him cold
with my walker.
I have to admit--
I haven't stopped thinking
about the jerk who stole my car.
I picture myself in the bushes
with a baseball bat
Waiting for him.
It's dark, so he can't see me,
but I can see him. Yeah!
Because I'm wearing
those night goggles
From silence of the lambs.
He starts to pick the lock
And, ha! I'm there
And the last thing he sees
Is my cackling face
And the words
"louisville slugger."
Drag him into your house
and eat a twinkie.
Murphy, the police called.
They caught the guy
who took your car.
You're kidding!
All right!
Congratulations!
Murphy:
and they say
dreams don't come true.
That stuff
we were chatting about...
You won't actually
do anything to this guy?
Of course not.
I believe
in the judicial system.
It's not like
They leave you
alone with them
And let you work them over
with a rubber hose.
Yeah, right.
How much can
a rubber hose hurt anyway?
It's only rubber.
Now, a truncheon...
What is that?
That would hurt.
Not as much as one
of those iron maidens
With all those spikes
But where you going to get
one of those these days?
Hey, sarge. You found my car.
I don't believe it.
I never thought
I'd see it again.
Our friend made the mistake
of driving it in
To a chop shop
we've been watching.
I want to show
my appreciation.
I want the shoe sizes
of the entire squad.
Reeboks for everyone!
That won't be necessary,
ms. Brown
But you could pay off
those old parking tickets
We found
in the glove compartment.
Is that where they were?
Thank you. I'll do that.
You know, I just wish
I could see the guy
who stole my car
So I could tell him to his face
what a piece of scum he is.
Well, technically, we're not
supposed to allow that
But they're bringing him out
right now
If you want to get a look.
Really? You wouldn't happen
to have a truncheon.
Where is he?
Right over there.
That's him?
A kid stole my car?
I was going to wait
In the dark for a kid?
How old is he?
.
? Does he even know
how to drive?
Judging from the dents
he left in your car
He was still learning.
Hey. That was
my car you stole.
So?
That's all you got to say? "So?"
Okay. Your tapes suck.
Let me guess
what happens now.
They start a rap sheet
for him
And then ship him
to juvenile hall
Where he spends a few days
picking up tips
On how to become
a better criminal?
Oh, no.
Most of the time
The system turns these kids
into nobel prize winners.
Here.
You can pick up your car
At t impound lot.
.
Good evening,
and welcome to fyi.
For your information tonight--
crime.
It's on everyone's mind.
It's on everyone's street.
Tonight we begin
an ongoing series
On the problem
that seems to have no solution.
Murphy?
Thank you, jim.
In poll after poll,
americans list crime
As their number one concern.
We're a country living in fear
Hoping that
if we build more prisons
Hire more police,
and buy more g*ns
We'll finally feel safe.
But in this report,
you won't see prisons
Or police or g*ns.
What you will see
are underfunded schools
Pregnant teens
Drug abuse, child neglect,
and joblessness
Because that's
where most crime starts.
And if there's
any hope for the future
We have to start
examining the causes...
(Burglar alarm blaring)
There's no question
things are bad these days.
It's time we look
at how we can make...