01x02 - Day of the Dot

[bunniefuu]

BIG PETE:
This is me, and this is

my best friend, Ellen.

And this is the Wellsville
Fighting Squids Marching Band.

Along with our fellow
Squid mates,

we're proud to be in the band,
even though we don't get

too much respect
from the rest of the school.

The thing is,
we just didn't care.

I guess we were willing
to sacrifice being cool

because we loved to play music.

Besides, we were happy
to be part of something bigger

than ourselves.

It may just have been
the word "squid",

but it was big enough for us...

that is, until one
tiny little dot blotted out

the happiness that we once knew

and plunged me
into a world of darkness.

Subtitle Rip: uNCeNSoReD

? Hey, smilin' strange ?

? You're lookin'
happily deranged ?

? Can you settle to sh**t me ?

? Or have you picked
your target yet? ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Don't you talk back ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?

? Don't you talk back ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Don't you talk back ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy, hey. ?

( movie projector whirring )

MAN ( on film ):
...superhot gas called plasma.

PETE:
It all began like most
important things in life:

in science class.

...the plasma of deuterium
and tritium.

At the appropriate conditions
of temperature,

density and energy confinement,

deuterium and tritium nuclei
will join together or fuse.

Think of it, Pete.

Two separate atoms
come together

and create something
that's bigger

than both of them.

It's like they
need each other

to fulfill
their destiny.

Uh, yeah. Wow.

I never thought
of it that way.

Attention! Attention!
This is Band Director Markle.

All marching band members report
to the band room on the double!

This is not a drill!

Maybe Ellen and I were like
a couple of hydrogen atoms

destined to combine
into a helium isotope...

but I guess I just wasn't ready.

If I had been,
maybe this whole disaster

would never have happened.

Destiny knows

where we live!

None of us really took
Mr. Markle too seriously.

I mean, he was a nimrod,

but he was always
kind of a harmless nimrod.

At least he was,
until the day that letter came.

( snickering quietly )

I have here
our official notification

as finalists
in the regional championship.

Now, I don't know
how you Squids did it,

but I do know this:
In two weeks, I am going...

we are going
to make Wellsville history!

( cheering )

It had always been
Mr. Markle's dream

to win the state championship.

Back in '67, he had a squad
that should've won it all,

but he forgot to cross the "T"
in "horned toads",

and they were disqualified.

After that, he was
never quite the same.

I've been working
on a new formation.

It was based mostly
on the final battle plan

of the Crimean w*r
and involved two maneuvers

that hadn't even
been invented yet.

Even more radical

was his daring decision
to change our typeface

from the traditional Helvetica
to Roman Gothic.

Can he do that?

There's some changes
in the lineup.

Tucker,
you're on top of the "Q."

Bronson, you're on middle "D."

Markle Jr.,
I want you on top of the "I."

And finally, Ellen Hickle.

I've been watching you work.
I like what I see.

Come next Saturday,
you're dotting the "I."

You have been chosen
to ride the "I"!

Do you have what it takes?

Yes, sir!

We were all happy for Ellen.
It was a big honor.

As any band geek will tell you,

without a great dot out there,
you didn't have diddly squid.

With the dot
in place,

nothing can stand in our way.

Follow me, my Squids,

and you will be part
of something bigger

than you've ever known.

Total, full frontal victory!

( blowing )

By the end of the next day,

the band began to break down
into two different factions:

those of us who were in it
just for the fun

and those, like Markle's
buttweed nephew,

James Markle Jr.,
who were in it for the glory.

Let's go, dog face.

Move it!

( horns wailing unemphatically )

And the weird thing was,
all of a sudden,

it was hard to tell
which side Ellen was on.

My lips feel
like warm cheese.

Mine feel
like smushed grapes...

but you know what they say,
Pete: no pain, no gain.

Let's do it again.

I wanted to talk to my brother

to get the Pete perspective
on things,

but he was having problems
of his own.

Please refrain from smoking

and hold your questions
till the end.

It seems his school bus driver,
Stu Benedict, was going

through a tough time,
because his girlfriend,

driver Sally Knorp,
broke up with him.

According to legend,

they fell in love
in school bus school,

but as soon as things
got serious,

they ran into a dead end.

It seems Driver Stu
had a little trouble

expressing
his true romantic feelings.

He tried to forget her,
but he couldn't.

Instead, he began driving
all over town,

giving his passengers
a guided tour

of his shattered romance.

What was once a ten-minute bus
ride now dragged on for hours.

Over here on your left--

that's where
Sally dropped a scoop of

pistachio swirl.

I picked it up,

I wiped off the gravel...

and I put it back on her cone.

To try and help, Pete offered
some friendly advice.

Deal with it, dipwad!
Take us home!

But Stu was too far gone
to listen.

Coming up next, the...
the hardware store where...

we used to buy
our weather stripping.

( all groaning )

Meanwhile, things
at band practice

were starting to get
a little out of control.

Breathe deep,
my Squids.

Work those lungs.

( panting )

I'm telling
you, Pete,

Markle's wigged.

This winning thing
has warped his brain.

Markle says
my duck feet

are against regulation.

If I can't angle 'em in
16 degrees,

I'm out of the band.

This isn't why
we joined up.

Maybe we should talk
to him.

Count Ellen out.

What?

I mean, take a look
for yourself.

She's partners
with James Markle Jr. now.

They're partners?

Yeah, I meant
to tell you,

but I guess I didn't
want to upset you.

What?

I couldn't believe it!
Ellen and Markle Jr.?

What could she possibly have
in common with that chunkhead?

Drop and blow!

Ellen,

when I look at you,
you know what I see?

A dot.

Oh, well, I've been under
a lot of pressure lately.

No, no.

A dot inside.

You're not like the rest
of these clowns.

You can be a champion.

Let me help you...

be the dot you were
always meant to be.

He helped her, all right.

As the days passed,

she became more and more
consumed with achieving

a state of total dotocity.
I am a dot.
I am a dot.

I am a dot.

I am a dot.

I am a dot. I am a dot.
I am a dot.

Then he set out to forge
a psychic brain meld

so they could stay
perfectly in step

and telepathically bridge
the gap

between the dot
and the rest of the "I."

Hi.

Hi, Pete.

What are
you doing?

Going over the third movement
of the "Prussian Battle Hymn."

James Jr. says that
instead of drums,

he percussionist
used to use live
hand grenades.

Neat.

Are you coming over later?

I can't.

James Jr. and I

have to practice.

Oh.

Thanks for being a
good sport, champ.

I had seen enough.

It was time to remind Ellen
what band was supposed to be

and get her away
from James Markle Jr.

My plan wasn't based
on the Crimean w*r or anything,

but I liked it.

Everyone knew but Ellen
and the Markles.

On my signal,

I got the horn section
to play "Love Rollercoaster"

by the Ohio Players.

( music changes to funky b*at )

What is this?!

We are playing "El Capitan"!

I knew the song
would attract Artie,

the strongest man in the world,
like a giant funk magnet,

and sure enough...

( chuckles ):
Music of the gods!

I'm large--
I'm George Clinton.

( funky b*at continues )

By the time Artie began
dancing the Voodoo Crispy,

Markle's spell was broken.

( chuckling )

When I saw Ellen laugh,

I knew everything
was going to be all right.

How was I to know
it wouldn't last?

As Artie launched
into the Diesel Jerk,

Markle was busy formulating
a diabolical scheme

to regain control of the band

and snatch Ellen
away from me forever.

MARKLE:
One day, you'll look back

and ask
"What did my life amount to?

What did I accomplish?"

And you will remember
this championship,

when you could have
won a place in history.

And you'll say, no...

No, no, no.
My life meant nothing.

One kid ruined the championship
for all of us.

And maybe
I should punish only him.

But you're a team.

You march together,
you practice together,

and now, thanks to him,

you'll suffer together.

Nice going, Pete.

Yeah, thanks.

BIG PETE:
My plan had backfired.

( music playing )

Within days,
whatever resistance we had left

had been completely
drilled out of us.

We were just puppets,

and Markle
was the vile puppeteer.

I had to snap Ellen out of it,
before it was too late.

I found her the Saturday
before the championship,

practicing the now legendary
sliding "S."

Ellen?

Ellen.

We need to talk.

I can't now, Pete.

I'm having a problem
with the belly curve.

It's just...

I haven't seen you
in such a long time.

I mean, seen, seen you.

I miss you, Ellen.

I miss doing things together.

Pete, the championship
is in two days.

Things are different.

I'm a dot now.

Whatever happened
to just playing music?

What happened to
band being fun?

Ellen.

What about those
two hydrogen atoms?

Two lonely elements,

meeting each other to
fulfill their destiny.

Now look
what you made me do!

I have to start
all over again!

Pete, would you please go?

I have to concentrate.

On your right,

the factory that produced
our hibachi barbecue.

Sally loved vegetable kebab.

Meanwhile,
Pete tried everything

to try and derail
driver Stu's misery tour.

Take the cash, crankbait.

But nothing worked.

Up next, the forest

that produced the wood
for Sally's house.

As Pete got closer to the edge,

I fell right over it,

thanks to a little push
from James Markle, Jr.

( horn blowing loudly )

You know,

you've had this coming
for a long time, Markle!

Yeah?

Show me what you got.

I'll show you what I got.

Hey, stay in formation!

Stay in formation.

You know something, Red?

You fight
the same way you march,

the same way you play;

Like a loser.

It was the worst day
of my whole life.

I was disgraced
before the band,

and worst of all,

I had lost Ellen for good.

As for Pete, he had lost all
hope of ever getting home.

During the last stop
for the evening,

I'd like to point out

the blinking red light

where Sally and I once...

stopped.

( French horn playing scales )

That night, I thought about
how I really felt about Ellen.

And I realized that we were
like a nuclear chain reaction

that never got started.

We could have
exchanged neutrons

and lit up
the entire solar system.

Instead,

there was only darkness.

By the day of the championship,
there was nothing left to do

but what Markle had programmed
us to do;

win.

This is the moment
that decides it all.

That separates the losers

from the legends.

Will your future be empty

or will it be filled?

STUDENTS:
Ahh.

Filled with a nickel-plated,
hand-inscribed trophy?

Destiny may know where you live,
my squids,

but will you be home
when it comes over to play?

Will you?!

Yes.

I didn't know it then,

but as I marched towards
the rest of my lonely life,

another lovelorn man
was hurdling towards the field

in a shiny yellow school bus.

My brother Pete
had launched a plan

to get driver Stu Benedict
back together

with his ex-flame,
driver Sally Knorp,

and put a stop
to the misery tour.

He asked driver Stu to:

Show us the bleachers!

Where me and Sally...

forgot our umbrella.

But he was really leading
Stu to the state championship,

where he knew Sally
was standing by

to pick up
a load of majorettes.

Did I ever tell you
about the prettiest girl

to ever wear a blue
and gray uniform?

Did I tell you
about the only girl

who could ever share my life?

Let me tell you

( over speaker ):
about driver Sally Knorp.

Oh, maybe somewhere in America

there's a girl better able
to handle a four-point U-turn,

but I doubt it.

Don't make my mistake!

Get good traction.

Don't let love slip away.

When love comes,

you better pull over
to the side of the road

and open your door,

because nothing

in this world matters more.

( over speaker ):
Stu!

I didn't know you felt that way.

Sally!

I-I guess I just was never
able to say it before.

May I, uh...

come closer?

Please.

Sally Knorp.

I'm listening, Stu.

Sally Knorp.

You are...

Say it, Stu.

Sally Knorp,

you are my...

world!

Stu!

I just needed to know.

( kids cheering )

Love is a many splendored thing.

MARKLE:
Ten seconds!

Seeing driver Stu
and driver Sally,

I knew what had to be done.

Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go!

( band begins playing )

Somehow
I had to show Ellen how I felt.

It was the riskiest
move of my life,

but I had to do it.

The band was so well-trained,
they had to follow me.

I wasn't sure I could really
pull it off without a diagram.

Wrig... Wrigley!

What are you...
what are you doing?!

You're ruining everything.

I tried to remember
our science film

so I could recreate
the chain reaction we saw.

You can't do this to me!

That's what you think, crabby!

( plays long, flat note )

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Fighting Squids

have just made a formation
never before attempted

on any football field!

It looks like the sun!

Oops, somebody pinch me.

I believe they're going to
attempt a thermonuclear fusion--

the force that powers the stars!

Pete.

Ellen.

Don't do this.

He's destroying everything
we built together!

ANNOUNCER:
There appears to be
two heavy hydrogen atoms

moving closer together.

They're reaching a state

of hot plasma,
ladies and gentlemen!

Please,

stay in your seats!

Burn, baby, burn!

Ellen?

I... I...

You don't have
to say it, Pete.

I know.

We have fusion!

( cheering )

Breaking formation
had snapped the whole band

out of Mr. Markle's
full-frontal mind warp.

As for Ellen and me?

We were finally joined
into a new element

that was much, much bigger than
anything we had ever known.

We didn't know what
the future had in store for us,

but what did it matter?

We fulfilled our destiny.

? Are you crazy, man? ?

? You didn't notice her? ?

? You must be blind ?

? All I do now
is think about how ?

? She will be mine ?

? I couldn't stand up ?

? I couldn't sit down ?

? One look at her,
and I stumble around ?

? One look at her ?

? I get irrational ?

? But she ties my tongue ?

? I saw her downtown ?

? On a cloudy day ?

? And she brought the sun ?

? She's not a part
of the scene ?

? She don't socialize... ?