[crash]
Merle!
- You alright?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
[groans]
For an old guy.
A little bruise, Susan,
that's all.
I just wish
it wasn't on this shoulder.
Merle, I want you to see Dr. Max
first thing in the morning.
(Merle)
'Uh, but won't it heal?'
Not if you keep
pitching baseballs.
I can't guarantee full mobility
even if you never pitch
another game.
I'm afraid you're through
with baseball.
[theme song]
♪ There's a magic in the
early morning we found ♪
♪ When the sunrise smiles
on everything around ♪
♪ It's a portrait
of the happiness ♪
♪ That we feel and always will ♪
♪ For eight is enough
to fill our lives with love ♪
♪ Oh we spend our days like
bright and shiny new dimes ♪
♪ If we're ever puzzled
by the changing times ♪
♪ There's a plate
of homemade wishes ♪
♪ On the kitchen windowsill ♪
♪ And eight is enough
to fill our lives with love ♪
Hey, when you see Merle,
ask him about those autographs.
I figure I can get at least
a buck a piece for him
and I'll be very generous
with his commission.
Merle's worth more than a buck.
He's MVP runner-up
for the exhibition season.
I know, I was talkin'
about the photocopies.
Handwritten originals will have
an opening bid of ten bucks.
- Hey, they finally made it!
- Yeah.
- Hey, Merle.
- Hey, Nicholas.
- How are you doin', Jeremy?
- How's everything?
Oh-ho, attagirl. Come on.
Hey, it's your Uncle Nicholas,
Sandy.
Oh, I can't believe
how much she's grown.
(Nicholas)
Yeah, well, I can.
What I can't believe
is you pitching two shutouts.
- 'That's fantastic.'
- Well, thanks, old buddy.
Too bad they were
only exhibition games.
Oh, yeah, but you wait
till the real season starts.
He'll pitch a bunch of shutouts.
Yeah, a bunch!
Yeah, well,
how's your arm, Merle?
Oh, it's great.
Well, the paper said
it's givin' you some trouble.
Oh, they just need
somethin' to write about.
A few days rest
and some Sacramento air
and I'll be raring to go.
Uh, well, come on, honey, we got
a million things to talk about.
- Alright.
- Oh, I've got two million.
Well, Nicholas,
you're just gonna have to wait.
I'll catch you later.
- Yeah, but mine's important!
- Relax, Nicholas.
I mean,
he's gonna be here all week.
Yeah, in a week,
she can talk for a month.
Oh, boy, I love presents.
Urgh.
- A key?
- To our New York apartment.
Oh, really?
Oh, I can't wait to see it.
Well, you may have to.
We can't move in until two weeks
after the opening game.
Oh, sweetheart,
I've missed you so much.
I don't know if I can wait
an extra two weeks.
I know, honey. Me too.
But-but wait till you see it.
Lots of the team wives
live there
so you'll have friends
and, oh, there is a great park
where you can take Sandy,
right across the street.
Oh, wow, it sounds perfect.
Well, we've waited long enough
to be together.
- We deserve perfect.
- Really?
(Mary)
Okay, just put your arm down
and relax.
[grunts]
Hi, Uncle Sid.
- How'd you know it was me?
- Lucky guess.
- You two know each other?
- It's my Uncle Sid.
Uncle Sid, Dr. Bradford.
Dr. Bradford, it's a pleasure.
[laughs]
Uncle Sid and I
are business partners.
We own a novelty shop.
Uh, does Uncle Sid always
dress up like a gorilla?
Only when I feel like
monkeyin' around.
[laughs]
Hey, am I a funny guy or what?
Uh, well, I-I'm sure that you
two have a lot of visiting to do
so I'll just come back later.
And, uh, Dennis..
'...try to cheer up, okay?'
See, it wasn't that hard
and you just made my whole day.
I'll see you around.
And bye, Uncle Sid.
Danny, Danny, congratulations.
- For what?
- You finally found a nice girl.
I was just about givin' up hope.
Uncle Sid,
what are you talkin about?
[sighs]
That doctor lady.
- She's nuts about you.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- You really think so?
- Danny, I know so.
Didn't you notice the way
she looked at you?
Yeah. Yeah, she does
look at me a lot.
And the way she put her hand
on your shoulder?
Yeah. Well, she did put
her hand on my shoulder.
- And she visits me.
- She visits you?
Well, she comes in
to check my temperature
but maybe
that's just a cover-up.
Well, Danny, I'm tellin' you
don't let this girl
slip through your fingers.
- What do I do?
- Go after her.
I know. I-I just don't know how.
You just leave that to me.
[laughing]
I thought I was never gonna get
you alone with some privacy.
Yeah, sorry, tiger.
Susan and I had
lots of details to work out
about the move to New York.
Uh, do you think maybe
I can come visit you there?
That'd be great with us
if it's okay with your father.
Well, uh, could you ask him?
Nicholas, a first stringer
doesn't trust important things
like asking anybody
but himself.
- You mean I have to ask him.
- Sure.
It'll make
your askin' muscles stronger
if you take every chance
you can to work it out.
Well, couldn't I just
make 'em stronger
by asking you to ask him?
That kind of asking
just makes you punier.
That's what I thought.
Hey, watch this.
Not bad.
We used to do it like this.
- Whoa!
- Pretty good for an old man.
Oh, what are you talkin' about?
I'm as good as I ever was.
Can you do this?
'Sure.'
Now here's one they call
the Arkansas Daredevil.
Now take notes.
Merle!
- You alright?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
[groans]
For an old guy..
[groans]
...yeah, I'm great.
[groans]
- Hey, what's up?
- Oh, not much, Jeremy.
Well, nothing like relaxing
with the evening paper
after a long hard day's
work, huh?
- You mind if I steal a section?
- No, go ahead.
What do you want, the sports?
No, I think I'll take
the financial section.
I need to catch up.
[sighs]
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Man, that's rough. Boy, does
this ever make me feel guilty?
I mean, the president is cutting
billions in the federal budget
and I'm upset over a silly thing
like the humiliation
of getting the smallest
allowance of any of my friends.
Man, is my face red?
Jeremy, before you conclude your
performance, the answer is no.
- I didn't even ask ya.
- You don't have to.
I come from a long history
of people not asking
for a raise in their allowance.
Yeah, but it's just
that I need to--
It' just like you said,
times are bad now!
People have to conserve
and be resourceful.
That includes you and
everybody else in this family.
I'm not doling out anymore money
unless it's for
a very good cause.
Yeah, well, it is
for a very good cause.
What cause is that?
'Cause I'm tired
of being broke all the time.
Save the whales?
[sighs]
Would you hold the baby
for a minute?
Sure.
[groans]
- Hey, what's wrong?
- Nothing.
[chuckles]
I was showin' off for Nicholas
and fell off the bike.
- You fell?
- Yeah.
In the middle
of the Arkansas Daredevil.
Honey, why didn't you say
something about it?
Well, it's no big deal.
When you can't hold
your own baby, it's a big deal.
A little bruise, Susan,
that's all.
I just wish
it wasn't on this shoulder.
Merle, I want you to see Dr. Max
first thing in the morning.
- Oh, come on.
- Please?
- Good morning, Dr. Bradford.
- Good morning, Dr. Mulford.
[chuckles]
Hm..
[laughs]
Mar.
Does he have a brother my age?
- How'd you know it was a guy?
- Oh, come on, Mar.
Okay, subtlety was never
one of my strongest points.
- So what's his name?
- Daniel Harwood Mulford III.
Twenty seven years old
graduated from
Harvard Med School in .
Currently interning
at Sacramento Memorial.
He's ' ", pounds,
blond hair
and the most incredible eyes
you've ever seen.
- You forgot his shirt size.
- and a half, .
[chuckles]
Boy, Mar, you've got it
bad for this guy.
Yeah.
[doorbell rings]
I'll get it. Don't bother
coming back to Earth.
- Yeah.
- Stay there.
I have some flowers
for Mary Bradford.
- Oh, I'll take 'em.
- No, that-that's me.
[chuckles]
Well, I'd say he definitely
is interested, Mar.
Well, yeah.
- Oh, no.
- What's the matter?
They're not from Dan.
They're from Dennis.
Oh, Dennis. Dennis?
Uh, what should I do
with the rest of them?
The rest of them?
Hey, guys,
bring in the flowers.
Oh, Mary.
Well, you've got some bruises
there from where you fell
but I think that's only part
of the problem.
You see, the thing
that worries us is your shoulder
the rotator cuff.
But won't it heal?
Not if you keep
pitching baseballs
especially that fastball.
Well, that fastball
is what got me into the majors.
Uh, uh, ca-can't you give me
sh*ts or something?
But that would
only mask the pain
and allow the injury
to become that much more severe.
- I-I don't care--
- Merle.
You played all last season
then you went on
into winter ball.
Now you've just come out of some
very extensive overtraining.
Now the concussive injury
that you suffered when you fell
made matters that much worse.
I can't guarantee full mobility
'even if you never pitch
another game.'
Never pitch another game?
Y-you're kiddin', Dr. Max.
No, Merle. It's the truth.
'I suggest you check right away
with your team doctors.'
But according
to our orthopedic people here..
...I'm afraid
you're through with baseball.
Dr. Max is a nice man,
he's David's godfather
and he saved your life
when you were two years old
but he and his buddies,
they're all wrong.
Well, honey, since when did you
become a medical expert?
It's my shoulder, Susan,
I know what it can do
and-and it's already
loosening up.
Look, darling,
I know how you feel.
I just don't want you
to be really hurt.
Look, if you don't
believe Dr. Max
why don't we talk
to another doctor?
We're not talkin' to anyone,
you understand?
No, I don't understand.
We're not gonna mention
one word of this
to your family or anybody.
[scoffs]
I-I can get my arm
back in perfect shape
before the season starts.
Susan, I know I can.
A-and, and I don't want
the Mets getting all fussed up
over somethin' that isn't true.
Why can't we just get
a second opinion?
Don't argue with me, honey.
I've worked too long
and too hard to get where I am.
I'm a long way
from being through, a long way.
[sighs]
- What is going on here?
- What took you so long?
- Mr. Wilcox.
- Please, call me Dennis.
In the first place,
this happens to be a hospital
not the Mardi Gras.
Mary, the expression
of true love
can't be bound
by rules and regulations.
And in the second place,
about all those flowers--
No, no, no,
you don't have to thank me.
Just say yes
to dinner and a movie.
No, Dennis.
- How about just a movie?
- I can't.
Wanna skip both
and go to my place?
Dennis, I'm sorry,
it's nothing personal.
It's just that I make it a rule
never to go out with a patient.
Stupid rule.
I know. Friday night.
I won't be a patient then.
[sighs]
It's the principle.
Okay, okay.
I'm not tensed.
You don't wanna go to dinner
with me, that's your business.
- I won't bug you about it.
- Thank you.
How about roller skatin'?
[sighs]
- How does it feel?
- Well, the pain's gone.
You mean, the towel's so hot,
you can't feel the pain?
- No, I mean, the pain is gone.
- Really?
- So can you pull back?
- Yeah.
Oh, wow!
- No pain.
- Really?
Why don't you put the towel on
for a couple of more minutes?
- Hm?
- Alright.
Okay.
- What is this?
- What's what?
- All this stuff!
- Oh, that? These are boxes.
Yeah, I can see that
they're boxes. What's in them?
Oh, it's my new job. Remember
you told me to be resourceful?
And?
And so I saw this ad
in "Man's Man Monthly," right?
Oh-oh.
No, no, no,
it's gonna be great.
You see, it's this
health food company
and they send me free samples
of all their
experimental products.
And I get paid a buck
for every time
I get someone to try something
and fill out this questionnaire
about how much they liked it.
Simple, huh?
Yeah, it sounds like it,
so why do I get this
here-we-go-again feeling
in the pit of my stomach?
Oh, don't worry about it.
I got everything under control.
Here. Hey, look.
You could have the honor
of trying the first product.
- It's chewing gum.
- Health food chewing gum?
- What is it, alfalfa-flavored?
- Ha ha ha. Just try it.
- Well, what do you think?
- I don't know.
It tastes like any ordinary,
everyday spearmint chewing gum.
- What's so special about 'em?
- Well, it's recycled.
[groans]
Argh!
Ew!
How does it feel?
[sighs]
Well, no pain.
Yeah?
- I'm gonna try one all out--
- Oh, honey, now take it easy.
I'm gonna try one all out.
- It didn't hurt.
- Come on, really?
- No, no, not a bit!
- Oh, it didn't hurt?
- I told you, I'd do it.
- Oh, my God!
Nicholas, don't feel badly.
- You'll see Merle again.
- It's not that.
It's just that I told
the whole sixth grade
that he was leaving at noon.
Now that he takes
an earlier flight
how am I gonna explain
to kids
when they show up
to say goodbye?
Forty kids are coming over here?
Nicholas, be sure to tell them
not to walk on the flowers
and to use the hall bathroom,
please.
- Bye, girls!
- Bye!
- Come on, hon.
- Hey, Merle.
I think
I'm gonna miss you so much
I have to visit you right away.
No, you just cannot do that.
You can get her an audition
for a Broadway play..
- While I'm there, you know..
- Have a great season.
Just keep me away from the bikes
next time I'm home.
Mr. B., I sure appreciate
'everything you've done
for Susan.'
It was our pleasure, Merle.
- Bye, Merle.
- Abby.
Thanks for lookin'
after my girl.
Take care. We're gonna miss you.
Twenty games, Merle.
Twenty games, partner.
- Alright, wins!
- Alright.
- Okay, thanks again, everybody.
- Bye!
- Keep going, you guys.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye!
- Bye!
Oh, Laurie,
you must be feeling better.
I love the picture you've drawn.
Thank you.
Say, the colors are beautiful--
- A budding Picasso.
- Indeed.
Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Dr. Bradford, how soon do you
think you could work a dinner
into your hectic schedule?
Well, that depends
on how tempting the offer is.
Hm. Why don't we negotiate
over coffee?
(Mary)
As long as you're buying.
Excuse me. Bye, Laurie.
- Bye, Dr. Bradford.
- Keep up the good work.
- Excuse me. Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You're a friend
of Dr. Bradford's, aren't you?
Yes. Why?
Oh, no reason.
Just normal hospital curiosity.
Mm-hmm.
You gotta tell me
what's going on between her
and that other guy.
Look, I don't usually discuss
my, uh, friends' personal lives
with other people.
Of course, you don't.
How silly of me.
I'm sorry to have bothered you.
Please.
Look, whatever's going on
between Mary and Dan
is their business.
I think they're in love.
Laurie.
(Mary)
'This is nice.'
Yes, I come here often actually.
Their cocoa beer is marvelous.
I wasn't talking
about the restaurant.
This is nice.
You know,
I really like you, Mary.
[chuckles]
Thank you.
Why didn't we do it sooner?
- You didn't ask.
- Huh.
Well, I'm glad I finally did.
So am I.
- Excuse me. Dr. Bradford?
- Yes, sir.
You have a message
from a Dennis Wilcox.
- You mean he called here?
- Well, not exactly.
♪ Telegram telegram
singing telegram ♪
♪ For Dr. Mary Bradford
from Dennis Wilcox ♪
♪ Mary how I love ya
how I love ya ♪
♪ My Dr. Mary
oh how I love to see ♪
♪ The way you attend to me
and all the other patients ♪
♪ Mary I could love ya
and take care of you ♪
♪ If you would let me ♪
♪ So won't you come
take me for your own ♪
♪ And leave
this other jerk alone? ♪
Hm..
I'm sorry.
[Elizabeth whistling]
Oh! What about this?
Oh, no.
That definitely stays here.
I don't think New York City's
quite ready for that.
- Oh, yeah?
- Isn't it weird?
- It was a wedding present.
- I know.
- I gave it to you.
- Oh.
[laughing]
Well, I guess I just don't
appreciate its fine beauty.
- You're right.
- You want it?
- Oh, no, no, no. I can't.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Come on, I insist, I insist.
- Susan!
Where will I put this thing?
Right here. Oh, the phone.
- Jonnie, where's the phone?
- It's on the counter.
- Over there by the toaster.
- Come on. Where?
It could be Merle. I haven't
heard from him in two days.
Ah.
[sighs]
Hello.
- 'Hi, hon.'
- Honey, hi! How you doing?
- 'Okay.'
- I sure do miss you.
- 'Are you alone?'
- Um..
Could you hold on a minute?
Joannie.
Huh? Oh!
[chuckles]
I can take a hint.
Hi, Merle.
- Hi, darling. How you doing?
- 'Fine, but--'
Yeah, oh, well,
Joannie was just over
helping me pack up
some of my stuff.
(Merle on phone)
'Susan, will you
hold on a second?'
Well, what's up?
Honey, I-I want you
to promise me something.
'Well, sure.'
N-now we're both strong people
and this is,
this isn't gonna slow us down.
We're gonna take it in stride
and keep charging ahead.
Well, honey, just what
are you saying to me?
Susan.
Dr. Max was right.
'My arm started hurting again'
a-and the team doctors
agreed with him.
They're sending me home, honey..
...for good.
(Jeremy)
'Well, look at the bright side.'
I hear coffee costs
a buck a cup in New York
and you're either
a mugger or a muggee.
Oh, Jeremy,
that's not the bright side.
Merle, I'm real sorry for you.
I know how much
you're gonna miss baseball.
Well, as the team psychologist
pointed out
I gotta start realizing
I'm not just an arm.
Right.
The Mets sent you
to a psychologist?
Well, I think
that's real responsible of 'em.
Yeah, the counselor and I
talked for a couple of hours
and, um, he kept saying
I may have lost this inning
but there's a lot of other games
for me to play.
Who is this psychologist,
Howard Cosell?
Merle's right. It's a bad break.
We're not gonna let it stop us.
Right. There's a whole lot
of other offers
I can take advantage of now.
And we don't want anybody in
this family worrying about us.
Worry?
After seeing
how you're taking this
how could we worry about you?
- You're doing great, Merle.
- You really are.
Yeah, way to hustle, Merle.
Listen, I didn't get
into the majors by not hustling.
Hustle's the only way to go.
- The coast is clear.
- He checked out?
Yeah, about an hour ago.
Oh, great!
[sighs]
I hope this is the end of it.
This guy is destroying my life!
I doubt if Dan's ever gonna
ask me out again
after the other night.
Hey, don't worry about it.
Dennis is gone now.
Probably in a couple of days
he'll have forgotten
all about you.
- Thanks a lot.
- You know what I mean.
It's probably
a passing infatuation.
I hope you're right.
Well, and back to work.
- Thanks, Barb.
- Take care.
Bye-bye.
♪ Wait till the sun shines Mary
and the clouds go rolling by ♪
♪ We'll be so happy Mary
you and I ♪
♪ Wait till the sun shines ♪
Well, I figure now I can
really do a full-time job
of endorsing your glove.
I mean, it wouldn't just be
my signature on the strap
or my picture in the ads.
I could go out
and do personal appearances--
Merle.
I don't think you understand
the terms of our contract.
Oh, I understand, it only calls
for a few appearances
but we can write
an amendment. I--
I'm afraid
there's nothing to amend.
Well, now, wait a minute.
Are-are you saying
there is no contract?
Check it out with your lawyer.
The whole thing
is automatically cancelled
if you aren't playing
major league ball.
But the fans still remember me.
[chuckles]
Yeah, for a week or so.
Merle, I am really sorry
but we're just
not interested anymore.
Now you understand our position.
We're trying to move
this company out of fourth place
and we have to go with players
who can do the job.
Okay, now, everyone, take
one of these questionnaires.
What? Oh, Jeremy, come on.
Can we do this later?
- I'd like to have dinner.
- Well, this is dinner.
- This is dinner?
- What?
Jeremy, you told me
we were having roast beef
broccoli and summer squash.
We are. Roast beef, broccoli,
summer squash.
Well, you'll love it,
it's the food
of the future, believe me.
'Yeah, well, I'd rather
have yesterday's meatloaf.
Come on, you guys.
Okay, look.
All you gotta do is taste it
and then write down
on the questionnaire
how much you liked it.
Well, if you don't,
I'm not gonna make any money.
Come on, come on, just one bite.
Now one bite.
Okay, okay.
Forget about doin' me a favor.
Forget about me tryin'
to earn my own living.
Well, let me tell you something,
that's all the dinner there is
and you have either a choice
of that or nothing.
No, wait. Where are you going?
You didn't even try it yet.
[instrumental music]
Now will you go out with me?
Now will you go out with me?
Dennis, I have already
explained this to you.
I can't!
Alright, alright,
I'll go out with you!
Alright. Oh, you won't be sorry.
We'll get squid and everything.
It'll be dynamite.
- Dennis--
- Do you like squid?
- This is a hospital!
- Wait.
Maybe a Mongolian food.
- Come on.
- Aah!
- I didn't hurt you?
- Oh, yes, it hurts!
Sorry.
- Hey, Coach Gravitz.
- Hm?
- Stockwell!
- It's me.
You've got your ballparks
mixed up.
Shea Stadium's
miles that way.
- The Mets let me go.
- Well, don't tell me.
After the season you had,
there's no way they could.
- Unless it was..
- The shoulder.
Shoulders. I hate 'em!
You were the best right-hander
I ever coached.
I never got that impression
when I was playing for you.
[chuckles]
Well, if I'd have given you
that impression
then your head would have
swelled it down to tenth best.
[chuckles]
How are you taking it?
Great.
If you're taking it so great,
what are you doing here?
Uh, I don't know,
I was just wondering
how you were fixed
for pitching coaches.
We're fixed, Merle.
How about scouting staff?
We're fixed there too.
I'm sorry.
Well, I-I-I just figured
maybe there was something
uh, maybe at the front office?
I wish there was.
The only thing I can do, Merle,
is, is put you on the list.
- There is a list?
- There's a list, a long one.
- Well, forget the list.
- I'm sorry, Merle.
You okay?
- I couldn't sleep.
- What's wrong?
Honey, I'm worried.
I-I, uh..
I just don't know
what else I can do.
I don't know how I'm gonna..
...take care of you and Sandy.
Honey, everything
is gonna work out.
Really.
Ever since grade school,
I figured..
...I was put here
to be a pitcher.
It's, it was what I did.
It just never
occurred to me that..
...someday..
...I couldn't be what I was.
And when it was over..
...I figured, well..
...everything else
would come just as easy
and natural as pitching did.
But I was hyping myself..
'...just like I did when
I wouldn't believe Dr. Max.'
Look, honey, you're just tired.
I mean, tomorrow is a new day.
Everything's gonna work out.
Really.
[knock on door]
Hey, Merle, how are you doing?
Hi, Nicholas.
[Sandy crying]
[sighs]
You think maybe
I can ask you a question?
Not now, Nicholas,
I'm pretty busy.
- Well, you don't look busy.
- Okay.
So I'm busy doing nothing!
[Sandy crying]
[sighs]
You always told me
when the going gets tough
the tough get going.
I was wrong.
Dad, I'm really
worried about him.
I've never seen him
act like this.
Well, I could talk
to our sports editor.
- Maybe he needs a reporter.
- Are you kidding?
Merle could never work
in a newspaper.
His spelling and grammar
are terrible
because ever since
junior high school
nobody wanted to distract
the school's star player
by mentioning homework.
Maybe he should
go back to school.
Oh, I don't even wanna
mention it.
It'll just be setting him up
for another rejection.
How did you figure?
Well, dad, Merle's real smart
but no school's gonna let him in
now that they're not clamoring
for a baseball scholarship.
Well, then we'll just
have to do our very best
to get him a good job.
Yeah, we already
talked about that.
We went to an employment agency.
Merle can sell shoes,
cars and water softeners.
That is, if he has experience.
Which you don't get
on a pitcher's mound.
I don't know what else
I can do for him.
Would you like me
to talk to him?
Dad, would you?
I just can't reach him.
[knock on door]
Hi.
My typewriter ran out
of genius ideas over there
so I decided I needed company.
Uh, you take it black,
don't you?
Hmm. Thanks, but I got a beer.
Oh!
[indistinct chatter on TV]
Do you mind if I turn this off?
No.
But don't lecture me,
please, Mr. B.
Oh, no, no, no,
I-I, I'm not gonna lecture you.
I-I just thought
maybe I could offer some help.
Hmm? How can you help?
Well, we-we could talk and maybe
figure something out, right?
You could get me
a new pitchin' arm?
If that were possible,
I'd do it in a second.
I know it, Mr. B,
that wasn't fair.
[sighs]
It's just I'm..
I'm starting to realize
that the shrink was wrong.
I was just an arm and people
thought that was wonderful.
Paid me big bucks
and they cheered.
And nobody mentioned
that it could all turn on me.
That I could end up stuck
with no place to go!
You know what
this reminds me of?
[chuckles]
What?
It reminds me of when
the girls were growing up.
They'd fall in love and then the
person they fell in love with
would hurt them in some way.
'They thought
their lives were over'
that every man was a monster
that the only solution
was spinsterhood or the nunnery.
[chuckles]
Mr. B, I know you're trying
to help, but..
...I got no idea
what you're talking about.
I'm talking
about Merle Stockwell.
'You love baseball
and you always will.'
And now you're hurting
because this thing
that you love the most
has rejected you.
Don't let that love
turn into hate.
Okay, only seconds more.
I love it. This job
is a piece of cake.
Are you sure
this stuff is unscented?
[sniffs]
I don't wanna smell
like guacamole or anything.
Nancy, trust me, my company
only promotes quality stuff.
- Can I see it yet?
- No, you have more seconds.
You have to make sure
your hair has had enough time
to soak up the, uh, avocado oil.
- Oh.
- That's what makes it shiny.
Yeah. You better make sure
this works, Jeremy.
I got a hot date tonight.
- Okay, ready for the unveiling?
- Uh-huh.
And make sure you have your form
so you could tell my employers
how wonderful their product is.
Okay.
Here it goes!
Ta-da..
I guess, it's a good thing
we didn't use the grape, huh?
Oh!
Then after
the barbershop quartet
there was
a Spanish mariachi band
topped off by
a very elaborate letter
proclaiming
his undying devotion.
Well, letter, that's not so bad.
It was on the billboard across
the street from a hospital.
Oh!
So finally I, I gave in.
I had no choice. He was
never gonna leave me alone.
- So when's the big date?
- Tomorrow. We're having lunch.
- Lunch sounds harmless.
- What, are you crazy?
Do you think the guy's gonna
leave me alone after one lunch?
I'm probably gonna have him
attached to me
the rest of my life.
[laughs]
Mary, I've got
a perfect solution for you.
[sighs]
What?
Convince the guy
you're in love with him.
Joannie, why don't we go back
to the beginning?
I think you missed
the main point.
No, I'm not kidding, Mary. You
remember David and Mrs. Hall?
Yeah.
Well, that's the way you deal
with those kind of people.
You return their affection.
He'll be so scared, he won't be
able to get away fast enough.
I'm not so sure.
Well, give it a try.
What have you got to lose?
(Dennis)
I can't believe it.
Here we are alone at last.
I can hardly believe it
myself, Dennis.
Hmm. You know, Mary?
I know we're gonna
get along just great.
Well, as long
as you brought that up
uh, I was sort of hoping
we could discuss that.
- Discuss what?
- Our future. What else?
Hmm. Well, I thought you know
maybe after lunch we'd, uh..
Like go bowling and then
maybe, uh, maybe a movie.
No, no, that's not what I meant.
Dennis, as long we both feel
that we're right for each other
why should we waste
anymore time?
Mary, I couldn't agree
with you more.
Great, then we can go ahead and
start making plans right away?
Yeah. Good idea, great.
Plans for what?
Our wedding, sweetheart.
What else?
Wedding.
Wedding?
You mean a wedding, wedding?
'Rice and champagne
and relatives?'
Yes. I think we should get
married as soon as possible.
Maybe even next week.
Next week?
[softly]
Next week.
Why not?
Mary, that's the craziest thing
I ever heard.
It is?
But if that's the way you feel
about it, why wait a week?
Let's get married tomorrow.
Oh, Mary! Oh, Mary!
Oh, Mary!
She's gonna marry me.
- Oh!
- Oh!
- You're happy?
- Oh, yeah.
(boy # )
'Come on, come on.
It's your pitch. Come on!'
[indistinct chatter]
Merle, hi.
(Merle)
Hi.
You wanna play?
I'll just watch.
Okay.
- Who's that kid at bat?
- Leibowitz. It's his ball.
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, Leibowitz.
You, uh, mind
if I make a suggestion?
That depends.
Why don't you choke up
a bit more?
About an inch.
Hey. I think I know you.
Are you
Merle "The Pearl" Stockwell?
Used to be.
In that case, I'll choke up.
- Like this?
- Yeah, yeah.
You, uh, you got it.
Hey, guys, look what
Merle "The Pearl" showed me.
- Can I shake your hand, Merle?
- Can I shake your hand?
Yeah, if I can shake yours back.
[laughter]
How are you, guys?
I'm doing alright.
'How-how are you doing?'
[chuckles]
I'm sorry
if I busted up your game.
Mary, I can't tell you
how excited I am.
Dennis, please let me
talk to you.
- I want you to meet my family.
- Dennis!
[Mary laughs]
- Mary?
- Yes.
- 'This is my mom.'
- Hi, Mary.
- Hi!
- My aunt Gladys.
- Glad to meet you.
- 'My sister, Doris.'
Wait a minute, I gotta get
a picture of you two.
[laughter]
Stop that.
- Oh, you know my Uncle Sid.
- Oh, yeah.
[laughs]
Everybody, this is Mary.
Oh, so this is Mary.
She seems so nice, Dennis.
A wonderful girl,
and is she bright.
So how come
she's marrying Dennis?
Quiet.
Um, if you guys will excuse us
I would like to talk to Dennis
for a few minutes alone.
Of course, dear. We understand.
- Dennis?
- Yeah.
I don't know any easy way
to tell you this.
I think
you're a wonderful person
but I can't marry you.
- You can't?
- No.
- Why not?
- I'm not in love with you.
Well, we'll postpose
the wedding.
I can wait a couple of weeks.
Dennis, I wouldn't be in love
with you in a couple of years.
- I don't understand. You said--
- I know what I said and..
And I'm sorry.
I was just trying
to figure out a way
to avoid telling you the truth.
It was wrong, I know,
but I was desperate.
You were driving me crazy.
'The flowers, the balloons,
the musicians.'
You're right, Mary.
It's my fault.
'You see, I just get
carried away and..'
'...I've gotta learn
not to do that.'
Dennis--
I don't want you
to feel bad, Mary.
I think I learned something
from this.
I can't force myself on a woman
who doesn't want me.
I'm never gonna do
that again. Never.
- Good.
- Come on.
So what are you doing
Friday night?
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Saturday? It's a joke.
It's a joke.
(Merle)
'Alright, Leibowitz, come on!'
Come on and hit it.
Oh! Alright, pretty good,
pretty good.
The only thing he should
have done different, fellas
is he should have hooked
that foot around the bag, okay?
Alright, next.
[sighs]
Oh, you're next?
- Merle Stockwell?
- That's right.
I'm Walt Liebowitz. That's
my son you've been coaching.
- 'Hi, dad.'
- I wanna thank you.
Well, my pleasure and I've been
needing some pleasure.
I can tell the kids
really appreciate it too.
Do you have a couple of minutes?
Sure.
Uh, fellas, why don't we take
a five minute water break?
Hit it.
You seem to have the rare knack
of teaching them baseball
and still let them be boys.
That's nice of you to say.
Ever think of doing this
for a living?
I used to, but my old team
thinks otherwise.
How about on
a high school level?
High school?
Never thought about it.
Oh, why don't you?
I'm vice principal
over at Central
and we need
a good assistant coach.
Why don't you stop by sometime
to talk about it?
I don't have a college degree.
How many P. majors have you
in knack and your experience?
'There are ways
to work that out.'
Uh, could I think
about it a while?
I know it's not
the major leagues.
No, no, it doesn't have to be.
Uh, I'd just like to talk it
over with my wife.
Thanks, Merle.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- I'll see you.
- Okay.
(Merle)
Yes, sir. Okay, Walt.
I'll be there tomorrow.
I'm really looking
forward to it.
Goodnight.
- You're hired?
- I'm hired.
[all cheering]
Congratulations, coach!
Well, it's not exactly
making rookie of the year
in New York City,
but it sure feels good.
We are proud of you, Merle.
I couldn't have done it
without you, Mr. B.
As a matter of fact
'I owe y'all lot of thanks
for seeing me through this.'
Yeah, thanks, everybody.
Couldn't have done it
without our family.
That's what we're here for.
Give me a high five.
- Yeah.
- Oh, alright.
- High five.
- Alright.
[all cheering]
[indistinct chatter]
[knock on door]
Come on you guys.
He's talking a shower.
♪ I'm singing in the rain ♪
♪ Just singing in the rain ♪
- This is gonna be great.
- He's gonna k*ll us.
Are you kidding? He deserves it.
You're right.
♪ I'm happy a.. ♪
[laughter]
(Jeremy)
'I suppose this is
somebody's idea of a joke?'
[laughter]
Jeremy, we were just
testing a new product
from Uncle Sid's novelty shop.
(Elizabeth)
'It's called Martian soap.'
Uh, yes, and we just happened to
have this little questionnaire
that we'd really appreciate
if you'd fill that for us.
- Yes, thank you.
- Yes, thank you.
Oh, don't worry, Jeremy,
it'll wash off in a week.
(Nancy)
'Or two.'
- Sure.
- Yeah.
[laughter]
♪ Just singin' in the rain ♪
♪ Singing in the rain ♪
♪ Da-de-da di-da-da da da da ♪
[theme music]
05x21 - Goals
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The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.