03x03 - Series 3, Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

There comes a point
in every young person's life

when you get to say,
"Mam, thanks for all the support.

"You've done a great job rearing me,
I'm now a fully developed

"human being, and ready to
contribute to society."

According to Mam, myself and Jock
haven't quite got there, though.

It's not as bad as it looks.

Not as bad as it looks?

You two have been sponging off me
for years while I've been

working my ass off trying to keep
you on the straight and narrow,

and all the while you've been
leading double lives

as famous masked criminals who
the local lunatic wants to m*rder

and who the local Gardai
have a vendetta against?

When you put it like that,
it does actually sound pretty cool.

Ah, Jesus! Jesus!

That's child abuse,
that's what that is.

Yeah. All right, we won't tell
on you if you don't tell us, so...

Our lips are sealed.

Are you tried to blackmail me
on top of everything else?

No, no, we don't do blackmail.

Yeah. Tried it,
but it's not profitable.

Turns out people just don't care
what pictures of them

are on the internet any more.
Yeah.

I'd like to make an appointment
for my two troubled boys.

Don't listen to her, we're fine!
We're grand!

I'm not going to no quack.

She's not a quack,
she's Ireland's top psychologist

and she specialises in teenage
f*ck-ups like the two of ye!

Hello?

Oh, no, next month
would be far too late, I'm afraid.

They will be beyond rescuing
at that point, I fear!

Get the phone, Con!

Yes! Yes, we'll be there.
We'll be there.

I am ever so grateful.

She will see us next Tuesday.

Ha!

.am, and her office is in Dublin,

so we need to go up
the night before.

You can't make us go.

Everything in my head
is so carefully organised,

I can't just have someone
walk in and move everything around.

Sending me there will be
a complete waste of money.

I mean, a f*cking two-year-old could
tell you the reason I'm messed up

is because me mam's dead
and me da's a prick.

There, done, I'm fixed.

The only way that I have been
getting through every day

of what has been a very hard life
for me is believing that one day,

when ye grow up,
I can look at ye with pride

and I can say that I helped ye
get there.

But right now,
when I picture ye grown up,

all I see is ye in prison.

I can't do this on my own any more,
I can't.

I need help.

So either ye come with me...

..or you move out of the house.

There was no need for that.

A bag of sweets
would have got us in the car.

Here, Jock, f*cking fart now,
don't be farting in the car.

I won't fart.

Here, this is the furthest I'll ever
have been outside Cork. What? Yeah.

Here, where are we staying
when we get there? Bagsy hotel!

Well, I booked us into Casey's B&B -
it's about an hour outside Dublin.

It says here on Tripadvisor
Casey's B&B only has one star.

Well, that means someone's
already stayed there,

so it can't be that bad.

All right.

Jock and me once tried to give up
smoking fags

and we lasted seven minutes.

Giving up stealing bikes
should be a piece of piss

compared to that.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS REPEATEDLY

Stop that!

Why? Sure, I'm just looking.

Yeah. Just because we're looking
at the menu

doesn't mean we're going to
order anything.

All right, here's a challenge.

Try not to do anything illegal
for the next hours,

while we're on this road trip, yeah?
Grand.

How are we supposed to know
what's illegal?

Everyone knows what's illegal.

OK, well, let's start
with a pop quiz.

Is stealing illegal?

That depends who it's from.

Yeah, grey area.

No, it's not.
All stealing is illegal.

Even stealing from the internet?
Pirate movies, like?

Yeah.
What about stuff you can't hold?

Like what?

You stole my heart, Mairead.

Ah, f*ck off, Jock.

I love you. Shut up.

I love you, Mairead.

Here, Mam.

Will you give us some money
for ice cream?

All that stealing
and you've nothing to show for it?

Well, we had a lot of overheads,
like.

Come on, give us a euro. No way.

A euro? No!

Er, I have to go for a piss now.

Me, too.

The way me and Jock see it,

there are only three places
that teenagers can get money.

From your Mam, who has f*ck all
of it, from stealing,

which apparently is a big no-no,
and, finally,

the grey area between stealing
and being given the money.

You want me to take care of that
for you?

The queue into the shop's
f*cking massive.

OK, thanks.

Cheers, we'll get that for you.

Lovely car.

Bye-bye.
All the best to you now.

There you are. See you later on.

Would you like a Cornetto or
a Magnum White?

Er...

Cornetto, please.

Wait a minute,
where did you get them from?

Relax, they're paid for.
With what?

Money.

Here's some change -
put that towards the trip.

Where'd you get this money from?

Some man in the garage
just give us a tenner.

I think he mistook us
for fuel pump attendants. Yeah.

And you didn't correct him?

That's... That's actually stealing.

How is that stealing?

He give us ten euro,
he didn't specify what it was for,

then he drove away without
paying for his petrol.

If anyone's stealing,
I'd say it was your man.

Wouldn't you, Jock?
I agree with you.

I mean, it was pretty stupid
of the man to give ten euros

to two complete strangers,

particularly given
what we look like.

But that's not the point,
it is still stealing.

If you care so much
where the ice creams came from,

you don't have to eat it, Mairead.

Stick to your principles.
Here, I'll have it back.

I don't condone what you did.

But I've... I've already licked
it, all right?

So it's not like
I can bring it back.

All right, boy? How's it going?

How's it going, boy?

I'm starving.
Any chance of some food?

Here, have a mint.

Yum! Yum!
Look, he's eating it!

Oh, God!

HE LAUGHS, MUTTERS

That's funny.

Do you know what? I was watching
a nature programme on the TV

the other day, right? And there was
this mother turtle, right?

And she had laid all her eggs
in a hole at the top of the beach,

and then all the baby turtles had to
make their way down to the sea

without being eaten by birds. OK.

I don't know, just reminded me
of the two of ye.

Are we the birds,
or are we the baby turtles?

You're the baby turtles.

The birds are just life's
obstacles being thrown in your way.

Our house IS a hole, so...

Our house isn't a hole. It...

It's just...

Ye're in the hole, yeah?

And now all these hungry birds
have come along

and they're trying to eat ye.

Why wouldn't we just
stay in the hole? Yeah.

Because there's no food
in the hole for ye.

When Mama Turtle gets back from
work, she'll have a big bag

of shopping
and she'll fill up the fridge.

Unfortunately, Mama Turtle has gone
off to another island

and she's not coming back.

Why didn't you tell me
I had ice cream on my face?

We didn't want to interrupt
your turtle story.

Hello?

Hiya. We've booked a room
under MacSweeney.

But there are three of you.

Yeah, there's a double bed
and a single bed in one room.

That is correct.

There are two beds in the room.
It is a two-person room.

But a double bed and a single bed
implies three people, does it not?

No, it doesn't. It implies that, if
you are a couple, you get to choose

if you'd like to sleep
in the double bed.

If you're not a couple,
you do not have to sleep together.

You have booked a two-person room.

If there are three of you, you will
have to book another room.

House "wules".

Well, I'm not booking a second room.

I'll pay a little bit extra for the
third person to go into one room,

if that's what it takes.
I'm afraid that won't work.

You will be paying for two
breakfasts with the two-person room.

We can't have three people in a room
with only two breakfasts.

Well, then, we won't have
any breakfast.

But it's a B&B -
that means bed and breakfast.

A... J...

SHE MUTTERS

Just give me a sec, all right?
Mm-hm.

What are we going to do?
Don't worry about it, all right?

I've got a plan.
Just go along with it, OK?

So, would you like me to
check you into a second room?

No, thank you.

We'll stay with the one room
and I would rather sleep in the car

than give you any more money,
thank you very much.

Suit yourself.

But we don't allow the vagrants
sleeping in our car park.

You'll have to park
and sleep somewhere else.

House "wules".

Just move, let me in.

Quick, before he sees.

Why are you coming in this way?
Because...

Just... What are you...?

Jesus! Let me do it myself!

Oh!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hi.

What was that noise?

I... I think it come from next door.

OK. Well, keep it down.

House "wules".

We're fine.

Here, what if he hears us tonight?

He won't.

I have a question, actually.
Yes, Jock?

Isn't this stealing?

Yeah.

No.

That B&B fella owner is a prick.

And, besides, he tried stealing
from us by making us pay

for a second room, so,
you know, it balances out.

Ah!

Oh, yeah!

God, I could m*rder a drink.

Ye can't be hungover
at the psychologist's office

tomorrow morning, all right?

Just one drink.

DRUNKEN MURMURING

Hiya.

How much have you drank already?

ALL: Just the one.

- MAN SINGS IN BACKGROUND
- I'm just saying,

I'm not convinced that therapy
is the answer to all our problems.

Like, I mean, this is fairly
therapeutic in itself, isn't it?

Maybe we should just go out
and drink some more, like.

They say drinking just
stops all your problems.

To be honest, I don't know why
people don't drink more often.

SHE BELCHES

It's just that people who think
they don't need therapy

are always the ones
who need therapy the most.

Oh, we need therapy definitely,
don't we, Jock?

Oh, yeah. I need therapy
really, really bad.

Oh, wait. If we both think
we need therapy,

doesn't that mean
we don't need therapy?

Oh, yeah!

Hey! No therapy!

Nice try, nice try.

♪ Coming back again... ♪

Here, boy.

Will you play a song
that we all know now?

I don't do covers.

Boy, they're easy,
I'll show you right now.

I'm done, I'm going home.

Have you got soft fingers,
is that what it is, yeah?

I don't have soft fingers.

Here, just play the chord
that's a triangle

and then play the one
that's not a triangle.

All chords that look like triangles
or not triangles. Which one?

If I sing, will you be able
to just figure it out?

Grand.

I've never hear him sing.

HE EXHALES

This one's for you, Mam.

Thanks for always being there for us
when we f*ck up.

♪ I have fallen down so many times

♪ Don't know why, don't know where

♪ Don't care less, it's all the same

♪ I have travelled through
so many towns

♪ Don't know why, don't know where

♪ Don't care less, it's all the same

♪ How can I protect you
in this crazy world?

♪ It's all right

♪ Yeah, it's all right... ♪

HE VOCALISES

ALL: ♪ Can you hear
the sound of nothing? ♪

Huh?

♪ Nothing

♪ Nothing's right, nothing's wrong

♪ Don't care less, it's all the same

♪ How can I protect you
in this crazy world...?

Come on!

♪ It's all right

♪ Yeah, it's all right

♪ How can I protect
you in this...

♪ ..crazy world?

♪ It's all right... ♪

What are you doing in here?

Just making sure there are only two
of you in this two-person bedroom.

All right. Yeah.

Well, now that you've made sure,
do you mind leaving

and being creepy somewhere else?

KNOCK AT WINDOW

Let me in before that prick of a
dickhead bollocks B&B owner sees me.

sh*t.

Too late.

That prick of a dickhead bollocks
B&B owner sees you.

Oh, good evening, sir.

SHE SNIGGERS

You may find this funny, but running
a B&B is a tough business.

I barely make enough for my family
to live off and it's people like you

trying to steal free accommodation
that will bring me to bankruptcy.

Sorry, I'll...

..I'll pay for another room.

We don't do check-ins after :pm.

But, just so you don't think
I'm unreasonable,

there's no need for you to move your
car.

You can sleep in our car park.

By the way, letting your children
drink under the legal age...

I won't report you this time.

Sorry.

No singing - House "wules".

"House wules."

THEY CHUCKLE

"House wules." "House wules."

SHE VOMITS

SHE SPITS

SHE MOANS AND URINATES

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop...

Ah...

KNOCK ON WINDOW

HE GRUNTS

WHISPERS: f*cking arseholes.

Can we make this quick? You're
letting all the cool air in.

Ah, good morning, Mairead.

I had the best sleep of my life.

Hmm.

You look very tired.

Get your stuff.
We are leaving - now.

We've paid for bed and breakfast.

Now! Breakfast. It's house "wules",
Mam.

I'd go back again. Yeah.

Ah... It stinks of vomit and piss.

Were you the only one who
stayed in here last night?

Of course I was only one who
stayed in here last night.

Who else would want to
stay in here last night?

That smell of vomit and piss is
yours?

Yep. Best night of my life.

Come here. I need to get baby wipes,
a public jacks

and a sausage sandwich in that
order.

Open the gates.
We're getting out of here. Come on.

Oh, bollocks.

We received a call that you may be
attempting to drive

while over the legal limit.

f*cking dickhead.

What's that smell?
Did you piss yourself?

No, guard, no.

I just SPILLED some piss on myself,
that's all.

Don't worry - it doesn't measure bad
breath, just alcohol levels.

Yo! Dickhead!

Look over here, you dickhead!

I'm not a dickhead. Yeah, you are!

Chase us! Come on, chase us!
I had your mam!

You did not.

Oh, yeah, I had your mother, too,
and she was very disappointing.

- Oh, yeah, yeah!
- HIGH-PITCHED MOANING

Would you f*ck off?

Come on, just f*cking chase us,
will you?! I'm not a chasing guard.

Now, get lost before I call
the guards.

You ARE a guard.

More guards, then!

What do we do?

Here, look! Eh? Eh? I'll do it!

Oh, Jock!

You wouldn't dare. He would.
He loves smashing things.

He smashes things all the time.

You do that and you're going to
get guaranteed prison time.

All right, all right,
I won't do it.

Sorry.

On some occasions,
when it comes to breaking the law,

you've got to use your own judgment
as to what's the right thing to do.

Right, I'm going to chase you
and I'm going to catch you!

Come back here!
You are in big, big trouble!

And this was definitely
one of them occasions

when Mam would have no problem
agreeing with us.

Oh, look who's coming here. Look.

Hello, ding-dong,
what time is this, like?

Here, look, I got you a
sausage sandwich, baby wipes

and here's the key to the jacks.

Drop it back into the shop
when you're done, all right?

Just as you requested.

Er, excuse me, are you forgetting
something?

Forgetting something?

How about, er, "Thank you,
Conor and Jock, for helping me

"with that guard"?

"Thank you"? Yeah, "Thank you."
Yeah, "Thank you."

"Thank you"? Our pleasure.

"Thank you"?

It's all right now. It's done.
Forget about it. "Thank you"?!

Yeah, OK, you can...you can stop
now. You're embarrassing me now.

"Thank you"?! That's the last one
now, OK? No more thank yous.

I'll give you a f*cking thank-you!

Thank you for making me the
accessory to the destruction

of garda property, thank you for
proving to me that the little voice

in my head was f*cking right, that I
am only capable of raising

two f*ck-ups, and thank you for
wasting my f*cking life raising you!

Give me that, ye little sh*t! You
were the one who was drink-driving!

If it weren't for us, you'd be
getting prosecuted, you'd be losing

your licence, facing a massive fine
and getting some prison time.

Would you rather
we just didn't help you?

Just wait in the car, all right?

Everyone knows from watching
movies that the key to b*ating

a psychologist in a therapy session
is to keep your mouth shut

and let them do all the talking.

THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

Look... Hello, everyone?

Everyone, please,
just one voice at a time, yes?

So... No, Mairead, let them speak.
You'll have your turn later.

Thank you. Thank you.

Now...

Mam is just angry because she is
fully aware that,

ever since she left Cork,

she has committed more crimes than
we have and she doesn't like it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, no. Hippopotamus.

What? What did you call me? Mairead!

Hippopotamus. She tells us we can't
do one thing,

then she goes off and does it
herself. A hippo.

Crite. Crite. A hypocrite.

Hypo-crate...

I'd like to take a moment to talk
about the masks that you both wear.

Our...our masks?

Yeah, the masks that you wear to
hide who you really are.

Did you tell her about that?
No, I didn't.

Well, someone f*cking did,
didn't they?

I swear I didn't f*cking tell her!

You're not the first people to walk
through this door wearing masks.

Really? Oh, yeah, it's very common.

But the more insight
I have into these masks,

the more I'll be able to help.

All right, well, the mask I wear
is of a little girl.

I wear a little girl's mask.

It's a princess mask.

Do you like having other people
doing everything for you?

No. Ha-ha! Yeah! No. Yeah.

No, I don't. Yeah, everything.

And sometimes I actually have to
tie his shoelaces in the morning.

The mask that I wear is of a person
that kind of frightens me,

frightens me a lot, but then other
times he's a friend of mine.

What does that mean?

When you're wearing this mask
and you look in the mirror,

do you like what you see?

No, no... Ugly.

You think you're ugly.

No, no, no, no, no.

When I'm wearing the mask, yes.

When I have it off,
I'm a handsome fucker.

Sometimes, when I'm with you
and you're wearing the mask,

I don't like you as much
cos you remind me of him.

And sometimes, when I'm looking
at Billy Murphy in real life,

I like him more cos it reminds me of
you.

And why does this person,
Billy Murphy, remind you of Jock?

Well, it's just, when he wears the
mask, he just looks quite like him.

With the mask, with the mask.

It's just a bit scary.

But... I'll just...

Oh, Mam, you don't have to do that.
Just shut up.

Oh!

These are your masks? Yeah.

Fake Billy!

How do you...? You know me?

And the princess. Of course.
My brother lives in Cork.

He is a massive fan since ye
stole his bike.

Oh, Christ almighty!
A racer on Patrick's Hill?

See... There's been so many, it's
hard to keep track, you know?

Patrick's Hill, we hit up a lot,

then we'll be up on
Carlton Street... Yeah.

You gave him three euro for the bus,
so he wouldn't have to walk.

We do a lot of that stuff,
do you know what I mean?

Like, take a lot, give a little.
Ohh!

It's a f*cking pleasure!

Lovely to meet you!
Absolutely lovely to meet you.

Tell your brother we said hi.

Do you mind if I try it on?
Please, be my guest.

Bear in mind, when you put it on,
it might be a bit warm,

especially when you're breathing...

Are you for f*cking real?!

I didn't come all this way
and pay all this money

so you could stroke their egos!

Come on, we're going!
Come on, we're going - now.

Mairead, please. Here's the thing.

Your two boys have just come
out to you from behind their masks.

Don't you think it's time that you
came out

from behind your mask to them?

I'm not wearing a mask.

Yes, you are.

The mask is what we use to hide
our true selves from other people.

I know what a f*cking mask does.

Then why are you hiding behind that
mask that you're wearing?

I'm not wearing a mask!
This is my face!

I'm not talking about that face!

I'm talking about your other face,
the face in front of that face.

We are here to talk about them
and their masks.

They're the ones with the problems.

My only problem is f*ckin'
fixing their problems!

My only face is this face!

It's not a face! It's a mask!

It's a tough, angry mask, yeah?

Stern, scary eyes, flaring nostrils,
teeth tight together,

ready to bite the ear off someone.

That is a mask that says,
"I am ready for anything."

But, most importantly, it says,
"Don't f*ck with my boys

"because I am prepared to put
my life on the line for them."

You're a protector, Mairead,
that's who you are

and it's an extraordinary quality.

But the problem with wearing masks
is that we get used to

wearing them and then
they're very hard to take off.

And sometimes a person forgets that
they're wearing the mask,

and they leave it on all the time.

A mask, just like the one that
you're wearing,

can be exhausting to leave on all
the time.

You need to take off the mask
and be yourself now and again.

Come on, let's try it.

Take off the mask.

Come on, now.

Take off the mask.

Take off the mask.

Take off the mask.
Come on, Mairead, take off the mask.

Take off the mask.
Come on, Mairead, you can do it.

Just take off the mask. Take
off the mask. Take off the mask.

BOTH: Take off the mask.

HE EXHALES

Take off the mask.

HE WHISPERS: She's going to take it
off.

Oh, my God. Look at her.

Oh, my God, look at ye!

Where's Mairead?
Where's Mairead gone?

That is beautiful.

Wow.

Has someone kidnapped my mam?
I'd ride ya.

Jesus Christ!

Get me in there!

We made great progress today,
but this is just the beginning.

I think you'll benefit
most from my year-long package -

that's sessions
for the price of .

That comes to the bargain
price of , euro.

Er... What the f*ck?

, euro? Yeah.

That... That's stealing, that's what
that is. That's actually stealing.

That's actually daylight robbery.
Yeah. Did you mean to say that?

We take off your mask and what's
left? What's behind it?

A f*cking thief.

Here. Put that back on there. Thief.

There we go. f*ckin'... Robbery.

I was thinking more about that story
you told us about the baby frogs.

Baby turtles. Yeah, that one.

I was just thinking,
we're not really like baby turtles

cos we've got a human mother who's
looking after us.

And reptiles don't really give
a sh*t about their children.

See, when we're trapped in that
hole,

with no hope of getting back to the
sea,

we can rely on you to come back up
that dangerous, sandy beach

and scare off all those birds

and just look after us until we're
ready to go.

So your story's wrong.

So cute!

How about we go get some ice cream?

Sorry, lads, I don't have a penny
on me until I get paid tomorrow.

No. Not that again.

Ah, come on, it'll be fine! No.

It'll be more convincing with you
helping.

No. Definitely not. No.

How about this, right?

We pull up, we pull up by the pumps,
and we go over to the man and go,

"Hiya, how are you?"
And you get out and, you know...?

Flash her tits? Yeah.

What? I'm not flashing my tits
for ice cream! We won't look.

♪ How can I protect you in this
crazy world?

♪ It's all right

♪ It's all right

♪ How can I protect you in this
crazy world? ♪