-[waves crashing]
-[seagull squawking]
[waves crashing]
[gentle music playing]
[Bo] Back then,
I was searching for myself
and the three jokers
that call themselves my father.
[announcer]
That's Bo Baxter with the W.
[Griffin] Whoo!
Crushed it, Big Bax!
[indistinct] you look good.
[Bo] I guess I still am.
The path isn't so clear
when the man of the house
and my mom's name
changed three times before
I got my driver's license.
All I wanted was one of the
families I saw on my TV screen.
-[whistle blowing]
-Hey, hey, hey-o.
Come on, I'll give you plenty
of more yards come Monday.
-You okay, coach?
-You need a breather, BB.
I'll take a breather when
I get that letter in the mail.
-What was my time?
-Your time?
You keep swimming like that,
don't worry about
setting any records.
What are you talking about?
I was in the locker room
before Tony touched-- I blew
out so much water out of this--
That's my point exactly.
You wanna drift with
the Tonys of the world?
So be it.
You wanna hit your times,
you need to clear
that big head of yours
and whatever you're
fighting with in those stands.
Get dry and clear.
Full ride is on the line.
["Cowboy"
by Strawberry Fuzz playing]
[engine revving]
I was outside of an LA bar
Smoking my cigarette
And this oldheaded cowboy
came up to me
You know what he said?
I've been in your boots, son
I know you're running fast
Hold on to the good times,
they never last
Hit by a train
Destroy your brain
And bitch,
you never play the same
Take me again,
hold up your friend
And then
you take it to the lord
Destroy your brain...
[Bo] Welcome to mi casa.
The current residents are my
half-sister, Dee Dee Baxter,
mi madre, born Karen Williams,
to Olafsson, then Baxter,
and now her third husband's
last name, Humpton.
Hopefully Jimmy is
Karen's final victim.
I've been in your boots, son
I know you're running fast
Hold on to the good times
They never last
[vocalizing]
[sniffs]
[imitating Baz] "BB. BB,
you're gonna have to
make your head clear."
You got it, Bax.
["Corridor of Dreams" by
The Cleaners from Venus playing]
[wind whooshing]
And the one thing I learned
Was I never want to be alone
I was, ooh
Lookin'
Well, there's friends
that come in
And there's friends
that go out of my life
[screams]
And things which occur
When you balance
on the edge of the bag
And I never considered
The idea of taking a dive
["White Lightning"
playing on record player]
[Karen, shouting]
Hey, Bo, I'm home!
Don't be chokin' your chicken,
I'm comin' in!
Popped a cap and a stem
Been getting high
on the weekends--
-[music stops]
-Howdy, space cowboy.
[sniffs] That'll be two bucks
for the grass, por favor.
Now come help me
unload the wagon.
What's the occasion?
[Karen] Your birthday,
you numbskull.
I thought it was pretty clear.
Oh, tough titty says the kitty.
Mama likes to party.
Now get off your ass!
[footsteps departing]
Are all my daddies
making an appearance?
You bet your
Speedo-tanned hiney.
[phone beeps]
[voicemail]
You have one new message.
[man 1] Hey, my son.
Do you wanna hit me back?
-Just call-- call-amundo.
-Delete.
-Delete.
-[man 1] And, uh, you know--
[voicemail] Next message.
-[man 2] Bax.
-Oh, delete.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
I hope he croaks
before the party tomorrow.
You know what?
Let him croak mid-party.
-Just joshing.
-[chuckles]
At least they call.
Yeah.
At Least They Call:
A Memoir by Bo Baxter.
[Karen chuckles]
Those fruity f*ckers
got one more chance to show up.
Either way,
I'm making a name for myself.
They can either take credit
from the front row
or read about it in The Tribune
like everyone else.
You've always been
a speedy swimmer.
Robert lasted
all of three seconds,
and he still won the race.
[chuckles]
Ugh.
Does that mean you're
gonna be a big college boy?
Got some word
from the state coach.
You're better than that.
Your buds for brains dad
made it through state.
I committed to UCSD.
I'm staying in San Diego.
-Uh--
-Save the pep talk, Karen.
-Thanks for dinner, madre.
-Where are you going?
Tutoring.
It's Friday night, boy.
What are you doing?
Studying our ceiling?
It's the only way
her parents will let me in.
Hold up a sec.
Another divorce?
[laughs sarcastically]
-Dee Dee?
-[door creaks]
Hey, it's the California
gas and electric man.
Yes, I'm getting a divorce.
Hey, mate. How's it hanging?
Well, my cock and my socks
would be knee-highs.
[laughing]
[Dee Dee] I'm home,
and I'm hungry!
He didn't feed you yet?
It's seven o'clock.
God, that man makes Jimmy
look like father of the year.
Ah, you can't do much damage
from 100 miles away.
Yeah, you can. Look at Bo.
Okay, wannabe-Madonna.
Do not call me that, Robert Jr.
Oh, sit down, shut up, and eat.
I have to talk to your brother.
-Okay.
-[Karen] All right.
Hey, there, neighbor!
Hello?
Who would have thought
I'd miss living on a street
with a bunch of fratties?
At least they knew
how to throw a good banger,
you know what I mean?
[sighs]
Karen.
All right.
So, Scott and I got together
when you were three,
got married when you were four,
'cause we decided we were gonna
have your bitchy sister.
Maybe she was a mistake.
Those years are a bit of a blur,
if you catch my drift.
Anyhoo, we decided it would
be best if Scott adopted you.
He was already footing the bill.
-Yeah, I-- I-- I was there.
-Hold on to your nut huggers.
-I'm getting there.
-I'm just--
Just spill it, woman.
It's getting late.
Alea has a bedtime.
[Karen farting]
[both laughing]
Wait...
[laughing] Jesus, Karen.
What? You know I get gassy
when I'm nervous!
Just stop stalling.
Ugh, I've waited 12 years.
I can wait one more day. Go.
Enjoy your last
Friday night of boyhood.
Go!
Wear a tiny raincoat!
I'm too young to be a grandma!
["Night Shift"
by Hot Lime Canary playing]
She's not the type of girl
to linger in the dark
This place is for yuppies.
[woman] Bo, pay at the register.
It's about time.
I'm off the clock.
I'm just here
for some chump change,
-and, uh, some of these.
-You can grab it yourself.
Gracias.
You want my a.m. tomorrow?
That's my day of birth.
-[woman] Hmm.
-I mean, it's my party, but...
[Robert] Sick.
When do you want me there?
I'm in.
You can have my Sunday a.m.
The hangover shift.
Ah, special delivery.
Your lady's got the goods.
["Make Me Dance" by
Hot Lime Canary playing]
So intoxicated when
you're gathered around
And "Make me dance"
Was all I ever heard her say
I mean, there is one thing
I'd like to unwrap.
You haven't earned it.
-[knocking on door]
-Get lost, twerps!
I'm about to lose my cool.
[Alea gasps] Sorry, Baba.
We just want a little privacy
from the girls.
Bo's opening
his birthday presents.
Just open the door, Alea.
[Alea] Okay, okay.
Wasn't even locked.
Hi, Mr. Kai.
Mister...
what's your family name again?
-[Bo] Uh, it's Bax--
-I want to show you nothing.
What do you not see?
-What do I not--
-[Mr. Kai] You do not see
the oil spew
that tainted my lovely drive,
because I did your job for you.
I checked your oil.
-sh*t.
-[Mr. Kai] You owe me $5.
-[Alea] Dad.
-I'll move it right away, sir.
Keep the money.
My birthday gift to you.
You see, a man treats himself
as he treats his car.
You have 30 minutes, Miss Kai.
And consider the bed
to be the border.
Okay. Goodbye.
Should be calling me
Mr. Son in no time.
A man cares about
four things in this world:
his cars, his house,
his food, and his family.
In that order.
Oh, suck it up.
He could have brought you a mop
and put you to work.
[Bo] Another daddy
down the drain.
He likes you enough
to tolerate your mom
asking if he rode
a camel to school,
calling him "Baghdaddy,"
and asking for a hookup
on oil prices, so...
He must really like you.
What is it?
Did something happen
with your dads?
[Bo] Absolutely not.
What didn't they do?
Show up? Parent? Minimal effort?
[Alea]
Does it usually bother you?
Yeah.
Baghdaddy hasn't been to
a single one of my swim meets.
That's not the same.
Why not?
Because you have a dad, Alea.
A father who loves you.
Your mother,
all 25 of your siblings
under one f*cking roof.
That's what they call a family.
[Alea] Okay.
-Small one first.
-[Bo chuckles]
[upbeat instrumental playing]
You leave right now.
Happy early birthday, Bo.
Say hello to your mother
and your-- her husband.
I will. Thank you for having me.
Bye, Bo.
[engine revving]
[waves crashing]
[birds chirping]
Good morning!
Good morning.
Bride of Frankenstein.
Why have you risen?
Oh, Jimmy woke my arse up.
Some grid emergency.
-So, whipped up your fave.
-Muchas gracias.
Cup of mud?
No, I'll get some on the way.
Cigarette? Reefer?
-You already on the sauce?
-I should be.
-Mom.
-[Karen] Oh...
[Karen farting]
Do not exit the building!
There ain't no respect
for a single divorce
with a bastard child
in this world.
Technically, you're a bastard.
My wittle bastard.
The point is,
I didn't wanna make that
decision for you.
What decision?
I wanted a bigger family,
and I loved Scott.
God knows why.
But I didn't know
what was gonna happen.
I wanted you to
have a say in your name.
I mean, you've become a Baxter,
but your roots
are still Olafsson.
You look just like
the gangly noid.
So, after Scott,
Robert and I sat down
and we filled out
the adoption paperwork.
[waves crashing]
[pensive instrumental playing]
[Robert] I failed.
Take good care of him.
[waves crashing]
[Karen] Instead of taking them
to the Superior Court,
I hid them.
Say something.
I did it for you, buddy.
The only thing you did for me
was forget to wear a raincoat.
[Karen] I gave you a choice.
Dogshit! You forgot to file.
Do you know how many people wish
-they could choose who they are?
-[Bo] You forgot to file.
-You forgot to file!
-Their name, their father.
I'll decide who the f*ck
I'm gonna be after CIF.
Right now,
my team's counting on Bo Baxter,
-and so is my scholarship.
-Well, that's the thing.
Baz says you need to apply early
to get a scholarship,
and we need you
to get a scholarship.
I didn't go to college
because I couldn't afford it.
Well, that, and I got preggers,
and they kicked me
out of high school.
But I am not letting
that happen to my boy.
So decide who the hell you are
and show the whole damn world!
And do it quick, because
the apps are due next week.
You have to file
your name by Monday.
I just wanna wipe away
some of the mistakes I made
while you were growing up.
It'll be a fresh start, buddy.
So you can really
make a name for yourself.
I'd know.
I've had four.
[engine rumbling]
[indistinct radio chatter]
[pop music playing over radio]
All right...
what have I done to deserve
not being force-fed
your weekly disgustingly
detailed play-by-play?
Sounds like you miss it,
you little pervomaniac.
[laughs] I didn't wanna hear
about it last weekend,
the weekend before that,
and I-- I don't wanna
hear about it now.
I'm just wondering if Alea's dad
-finally, uh, slapped on the--
-No, no. Don't get all d*ck-bent
just 'cause you didn't
get any last night,
last weekend, or ever.
I have a nice, straight d*ck.
-[Bo laughs]
-And I get it.
-I get it, all right?
-[Bo] Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Who gave it to you?
[laughing] I-- I'm no playboy.
I'm no playboy.
Um, that's for damn sure, Griff.
You're the first Tommy John
candidate from playing 5-1-1.
-[laughing]
-[Griffin clears throat]
-Donna. Last summer.
-Donna?
-Last summer?
-Yeah, she wasn't on your radar.
-Convenient.
-I met her in elementary school.
It wasn't worth
the announcement.
How did it go down?
Did you call her up?
"Hey, Donna, it's me, Griff,
from the third grade, remember?
You wanna, I don't know,
come over tonight
and swipe my V-card?" [laughing]
[laughing] Dude.
[laughs] Yeah.
I'm just f*cking with you,
playboy.
I fly, I buy. What do you want?
Uh, just go to 7-Eleven.
It's cheaper.
-What the f*ck?
-Donut shop has better coffee.
[car door slams]
[blows raspberry]
-Baxter.
-Baxter!
I mean, Olafsson.
You sure, man?
The name on your coffee order
is muy importante.
Just put down "Kenny G."
She's kidding.
You are much more handsome
than the G-spot.
And, uh, you don't
look like you blow.
[Bo] Jesus.
What is this?
The f*cking donut shop duet?
[laughs] Oh.
[woman] We really need to know
what name you're
going with, man.
Yes... [clears throat]
...I said Olafsson.
[man] Son of Olaf it is.
Congrats.
[laughs]
Just give me my coffees.
One buck, my G.
[door chime tinkles]
[ominous buzzing]
[Karen]
Do you know how many people
wish they could choose
who they are?
[Bo] You forgot to file!
[Karen]
Their name, their father?
[ominous buzzing continues]
[echoing] Olafsson!
Order's up.
Two coffees
for the son of Olaf.
[footsteps departing]
["Coward Soul"
by Lovehoney playing]
Back up, won't you let me
get my mind right
Getting heat for being me
but when the time's right
You are searching for
the words you cannot find
Ay
Come on, open your mouth
and just say something
Your need to look for me
to oversay something
Is a burden, my friend,
and you know in the end
You'll be needing
my strength, so
Use that poor nothin' soul
Complacent
Coward soul,
I just wanna get...
[Bo] You gonna rubberneck,
or are you gonna ride one
like you rode Donna?
I'm revving up.
I'm ready to-- ready to go.
-Yeah.
-I'm ready to go.
[man] Sick board.
I just wanna get out,
get out of this
I just wanna get out...
Whoo. Let's get after it.
["Ratface"
by Strawberry Fuzz playing]
I was walking
down the street
Thinking nobody loves me
I'm just a ratfaced
bloodsucking son of a g*n
It was getting late
and you're out here
Pretty-faced,
walking down on the boulevard
And all kinds of creeps
hang around here
I see you're all alone,
I'll show you the way, baby
I'll show you the way, baby
I'll show you the way, baby
Yeah
You're dressed in all white,
just right, I think I love ya
[Griffin] Watch out!
[wave crashing]
It was getting late
and you're out here
Pretty-faced,
walking down on the boulevard
And all kinds of creeps
hang around here
I see you're all alone
[man] Where the f*ck you going?
I'll show you the way, baby,
I'll show you the way, baby
[Griffin coughing]
f*gg*t.
Hey!
[both grunting]
In boarded-up houses,
we can go hide away
[Bo] What do you think
you're doing, you fucker?
I never leave a trace
I've done this
many times before
[both laughing]
Don't think we'll be hitting
the surf parties any time soon.
Never really our scene.
You're gonna run out of options.
-[both laughing]
-One day you're gonna end up
on the wrong end of a fist.
Or a set of steel bars.
He did save my faggy ass
from getting licked.
Griff, defending you
was just an excuse.
Let me guess.
Big, bad Bo
threw the first punch.
[server] Humpton,
your order's ready.
[woman] Who's humpin'? Hello!
[pop music playing over radio]
-Gettin' into p*rn, Bax?
-You know it, big Tone.
[moaning]
Harder, Humpton! Harder!
-[moaning loudly]
-[Bo] f*ck off, Tony.
[Tony] Harder!
-What's with aliens?
-I don't know.
Trying to secure
a stool at the Beachcomber?
Um, Legacy Gig.
"San Diego Gas and Electric"!
[both laughing]
-[indistinct]
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
-Yeah. All right.
-[waiter] Horchata?
-Gracias.
[waiter] Can I get you
anything, amigo?
Yeah.
No!
No. Yeah, no. Yeah.
You look like a class
that we've had before--
no, I mean...
You're the--
no, you're the wrong--
the wrong guy.
You're the wrong guy.
Clearly, you're-- you don't--
Okay. Let me know
if you need anything.
No, I'm okay.
-[waiter] Okay.
-Yeah, I don't need anything.
I'll let you know.
Dude, are you high?
[rock music playing over radio]
[muffled] Hey, guys.
[Griffin coughing]
Want a hit?
Absolutely not, but puff harder.
We're running late.
[both] Puff harder! [laughing]
[rock music playing louder]
Wow. Okay.
[pop music playing over radio]
[laughing] Is this
all you listen to?
[rock music playing]
[music fades]
This is a family neighborhood.
Cut the hippie sh*t.
We're very sorry, sir.
We'll-- we'll keep it down.
[coughing]
Yeah, mister, we're not smoking.
I, uh-- my, uh--
my-- my-- my sock's on fire.
-[both laughing]
-[Griffin] You gotta help me.
He's forcing me to suck on the--
Yo, cram it, dude.
What's your beef?
Karen smokes a doobie a day,
at least.
Yeah, she can handle it,
bitch boy.
[Griffin laughs]
Grab my socks.
[both laughing]
[pop music playing]
[Griffin, laughing] Jesus.
Why do they call it
the devil's lettuce?
'Cause it's nutritious,
and it makes your eyes
as red as the devil's bum.
Hey,
tell Karen we eloped to Mexico.
Like father, like son. Requests?
-PC.
-Screwdriver, please.
You need a double, AK.
[laughs]
[Bo] Baz wasn't right or wrong.
[Alea] What could you
possibly be bragging about?
Bo Baxter tied for the record.
Yes, Bo Baxter, you did it.
Congratulations.
Will you just spill already?
You blew up on me,
then blitzed,
and-- and now
you're b*ating people up again.
Something's up.
Daddy said it best.
What's my name again?
I think you're stoned.
I'm not stoned.
-Wait.
-For what?
I actually don't know
who the hell I'm gonna be.
Stop being so cryptic.
All right.
Karen never filed
Scott's adoption paperwork.
That means my government name
is still...
Olafsson or...
Humpton...
Or Baxter.
You don't have to
change the name, Bo.
-You just have to make it yours.
-It's not that simple.
It-- it is that simple.
You're right, Alea.
I'm pissed off
all the f*cking time,
and I blew up.
You wanna know why?
Because you can use anger
like f*cking fuel,
but you can't use sadness.
Look, I despise my dads
for what they did
to me and my mom.
But I f*cking need them,
because I don't know
who the hell I am,
but I'm fighting for f*cking
attention all the time,
trying to win
at every single thing I do
so that I can win them over.
f*ck.
You think the approval rating
would be higher with three dads?
No.
They're so caught up
hating each other
and blaming Karen
for their shitty lives.
They pretend I didn't exist.
They just threw
the sh*t back on me.
[scoffs]
[sentimental music playing]
I have to go in there
and confront my past 18 years.
My entire life.
And make a decision that's
gonna shape the rest of it.
I'm not just
choosing a name, Alea.
[sniffles] I'm deciding
who the f*ck I'm gonna be.
[Alea] I know exactly
what you're capable of.
That's why I'm with you, Bo,
but you gotta decide
who you are for yourself,
not for your fathers.
Or you're gonna end up
just like them.
[music fades]
[screaming, laughing]
Happy birthday, Boey!
Hello there.
Where's your plus one?
I'm his girlfriend,
don't mind me.
I meant Griff.
[Bo] All right,
I am way too stoned for this.
Who's the baddie?
Sandy Bluffer.
Uh, old friend. Family friend.
All right, we used to
mess around back in the day.
Dated, prom, the whole shabang.
[chuckles] She works
at the pizza place
next to the record shop
and gas station.
She smells like pepperoni.
[chuckles]
[upbeat instrumental playing]
[Bo] She's still
a bit sprung on me.
Alea doesn't need to know that.
Oh, you must be Sandy.
Are you dropping off
some pizzas?
Find me later, Boey.
I have something
extra special for you.
Hey. Sandy's like, level one.
I mean, you best get
your words about your woman,
because we want to make
a good impression.
Oh, yeah,
like you do with my dad?
[chuckles] Don't you
worry about me, birthday boy.
[pop music playing]
Hit me!
[laughing] You got some.
You're breaking the law, G-Pa.
If he can f*ck,
he can fight, he can drink.
[laughing]
Pour me a f*cking drink.
Get your own.
Gonna get
a college scholarship
He can surf that wave
Our boy can shred
He got nice hair
on his big ol' head
He's 17 going on 32
He's got nice hair,
he's my nephew
He's a kid,
and I love him so
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
[Bo] That's my G-Pa,
Karen's dad.
A real crazy m*therf*cker.
Loves a birthday bash
or any excuse
to break out the booze locker
with his brother, Uncle.
Doesn't say much,
but he's got a hell of a riff
for every occasion.
Whether you like it or not.
The older,
not-so-wiser version of Karen
is my Aunt Kelly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah
That's our boy
That's our boy
That's our boy
Rad, Uncle.
g*dd*mn.
Nice of you to show up.
[Rusty] Yeah!
Those balls dropped yet?
[high-pitched voice]
I'll show you later, boys.
[laughing]
[Bo] The cock-eyed dirt bag
is Old Rusty,
my mom's husband Jimmy's
high school bestie.
He's a beer delivery man.
Clearly that guy who gets
f*cked up on his own supply.
[laughing]
So this is the lady lover, huh?
-Okay.
-Hi, Rusty. I'm Alea.
[Rusty] Alea.
Whereabouts your family from?
Oh, nowhere.
AKA Rancho, San Diego.
Before that.
Just outside of Detroit.
-Before that.
-Lay off her, dude.
Whoa, okay,
can't a guy get to know a girl?
Old Rusty's busted again.
[Rusty]
How old are you, darling?
You're seriously
barfing me out, Rust.
I'm 17 for three more months.
Oh, tough luck, Bax.
Jail bait now.
[slurping]
You should go
check in with Karen.
She's seriously
ticked you're late.
[Bo] There's Dee Dee.
We're related.
The headbanger is Rebecca.
She's half of my cousins,
the Twisted Sisters.
I'm going.
Better be careful, Russ.
I'm old enough
to get to know your lady.
[laughs]
That's your man's fault.
[laughing]
-[Bo] Oh, my God!
-[Rusty whoops]
[Rusty whoops]
["Sunshine"
by Hot Lime Canary playing]
Okay. All right. Okay.
[whoops]
-Hi, Mommy!
-Oh!
Son of a prick.
Sorry I'm late.
Clearly too busy
chiefin' the reefer.
You're bouncy, my lady.
Tall glass of vodka
with a sniff of OJ.
I asked for
a screwdriver, Griff,
not a midnight train
to blackout town.
-We missed you.
-Hello there, big boy.
[Bo] You've met mi madre.
Karen Eileen Williams
Olafsson Baxter Humpton
or, uh, KEWOBH for short.
Don't play cards with her.
Especially 99.
Eh, G-Ma must have booted Kelly.
Taking her seat
is the lesser fun
of the Twisted Sisters, Rachel.
And that's Sandy. In 20 years.
Her identical twin mother,
Marsha Bluffer.
She also wants
my d*ck and balls.
Behind the pink binoculars
is our vodka pickled matriarch.
G-Ma's salty,
even when she's sweet.
She's only happy
in the sunshine
The overjoyed biker chica
is Rusty's better,
uh, or worse half.
I don't know. She's Brenda.
Hello there, big boy.
Or should I say big man?
-Legal adult.
-Right...
-Big man.
-[Bo chuckling]
Who's your new pal?
She's very tan.
It's Alea.
-I'm his girlf--
-Yeah. Did you see my Sandy?
She dolled herself all up
for your big day.
["Wolf" by Drager playing]
Would you quit
your huffing, Bluffer?
He doesn't wanna
date your daughter.
Now, sit down, honey.
I'll deal you in.
Um, I'll just watch.
I've never played 99 before.
Can you count?
Well, then you can play.
Park your tiny tush next to me.
Tits only, Bo.
Go, uh, save Jimmy
from your dads.
He's as bored as
a midget at a theme park.
You best not get me whipped.
I can still whip you.
How are you, G-Ma?
I'd be better if your cousin
played better than she looks.
What's 97 plus two, G-Ma?
I believe that's 99!
[laughing]
Cheap, cheap.
-Cheap.
-Fork it over, Dorothy!
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, yeah, dude, it's--
-it's American ingenuity.
-Daddy!
-Son!
-Bax.
Mate!
[Bo] Where do I start
with these jokers?
These are mis padres.
I've got a full bullpen.
The gangly noid is my blood.
Robert Olafsson.
The guilt-stricken
p*rn-stashe-wearing one?
Yeah, that's my stepdaddy,
Scott Baxter.
And to round it out,
the jolly jackass
is our reliever.
Jimmy Humpton.
Hey, uh, how many
illegitimate fathers
does it take
to burn the burgers?
[laughing]
f*ck off.
[Karen] Are you ignoring me?
Maybe.
Who else knows about this?
Just you and I, buddy boy.
Let's keep it that way.
So, what will I be calling you?
Bo Cleaver? Bo Buffet?
Just Bo, like Bono?
It's been four hours.
Well, you have
all three of them in one place.
As good a day as any
to figure out
which daddy you like best.
What does Alea think?
Probably wants you
to take her name.
[scoffs]
It's actually kind of perfect.
Kai means wave.
Do you wear a towel
on your head?
Hey, anything's better
than B-B-Baxter.
He's a rich fucker now.
Of course
he struck gold and sh*t
-after I dumped his ass.
-[Bo chuckles]
But really, what'd she say?
She's one of them smarties.
Pretty sure she
intentionally lost at 99
because she couldn't
handle G-Ma's smack.
She said keep it.
I'm already making
a name for myself.
[Karen]
Maybe not so smart after all.
Griff?
I haven't told him.
[chuckles]
I love that little h*m*.
-He's no h*m*.
-[Karen] Yeah.
And I have perfectly taut,
symmetrical buns.
N-- no.
No, no, absolute--
no, absolutely not.
Why not?
I don't need you
to sleep with her, okay?
Just turn up the flirt a little
and keep her away from my man.
["Don't Judge Me"
by Drager playing]
You're a fresh catch.
It shouldn't be too difficult.
Don't judge me
You and me
Yeah, don't judge me
Look, I wanna help you out.
I do.
I know how clingy
she gets with Bo.
But I know too much.
Uh, he-- he is no gentleman
when it comes
to bedtime stories.
Does he tell you about us?
That mother of hers
has a stick up her snatch...
but I think she's a keeper.
You should hear
what they say about you.
Just don't do anything
your daddies would do.
Oh, words I live by. [chuckles]
I've been thinking...
Oh, no.
[scoffs] You know
I can't keep a secret,
and I've held it in
for 12 years.
-I'm about to explode.
-No.
-Yes.
-Why?
They deserve to know.
Scott's gonna be the one
doing the exploding,
and Robert's gonna think
it's the m*therf*cking universe
trying to bring me back to him!
Maybe it is.
I mean, might as well see
what they have to say.
This could bring you
closer to them.
You know how important
that family tree is to Robert,
and the best damn day
of Scott's life
was when he got his son,
or thought he did.
Absolutely not, Karen.
Trust me on this.
This is a bad idea.
Terrible idea.
Won't say another word.
[Bo] Say swear.
Pig in a poke.
You still have to talk to them
or else they'll come
bitching to me about it.
Oh. Wouldn't wanna
ruin your special day.
[upbeat pop music playing]
Three in a row! Chug, sucker!
-[Griffin] Why is it always me?
-She's a freak of nature.
I mean, you should see her
when the sun goes down.
-Gag me with a spoon.
-[Bo] Go play with your friends.
Oh, wait. [chuckles]
All right, watch and learn.
Wait.
I get to make one more rule.
[groans] I hate the rules.
Yeah,
'cause you can't remember them.
I remember
you're a bitch, Becca.
Take it easy, Twisted Sisters.
Okay, got it.
Rule number two.
You can't say any names.
Darn, it looks like
I have to kiss you now, Sandy.
[all] Drink!
Rock my world, Griff.
-[Bo] Whoa!
-[all laughing]
Hey, Griffy!
Was that your first kiss, Griff?
[Sandy] Not a chance.
Those are the lushest lips
I've ever locked.
Yeah, sure looked like it.
Please tell us.
What did you taste?
Yeah. You weren't kidding.
-Parmesan and pepperoni.
-[all laughing]
He used to love my flavor.
All right,
let's play some quarters.
-Any other rules?
-[Alea] Yes.
If you miss, you have to
kiss the person to your left.
[Bo] Oh.
[Bo grunts]
Drink, pizza breath.
Not you, him.
Ah, let me get here,
you amateurs!
In my day, they called me Swish!
Ah. Well, what are we doing?
Are we playing quarters
or are we playing
spin the bottle?
Ah, you're so luscious,
you're so luscious.
Give me a coin.
If you miss, you have to kiss
the person to your left.
All right. Okay, okay.
Grow up, Jim.
And drink.
And you can't say any names.
Oh, twist my arm. Okay. Wait.
Can I grab word, Jimbo?
Just a quickie.
[Jimmy] Just a quickie?
Just a quickie?
-Okay.
-[all laughing]
-Okay.
-[laughing]
-Swish is back, baby!
-[all laughing]
Attaboy, Jimmy!
[laughter]
We kiss again?
["Mississippi Mama"
by Hot Lime Canary plays]
And if you lose sight, son
Oh, mama, oh, no
This is quick.
You gotta be snoring by now.
So, Karen--
You ever seen a baby pigeon?
I mean,
now that I think about it,
I haven't, but--
I have never seen a baby pigeon,
which means that either
the pigeons, they come out,
you know, full bird.
Or pigeon parents,
they do the nasty,
they lay the egg,
and they take off.
Leave the poor little pidgies
to fend for themselves.
It's kind of what it was like
in my growing up days, you know?
Similar program with my...
nest.
I mean, I turned out all right.
Yeah.
Your mom didn't take off, so...
She just f*cking swore-
[Jimmy] No, no, no.
She told me years ago, mate.
Come on. Years.
Hey, sh*t.
I thought one was tough.
You got more daddies than
a whore on nickel night.
Just keep it between us.
Who's the sailor, mate?
Loose lips eat dicks.
Ahh. [laughs]
So what's the play?
Keep Scott's name
or take Robert's?
That's lose and loser
if you're asking me.
Damn.
You know, I am...
I am beginning to understand
why grandparents are so
supportive of their kids' kids.
You know?
I know that
I am not your gramps,
and I'm-- I'm not your padre.
But, you know, I've been...
I've been trying
to right some wrongs.
You know?
Uh, I-- I know that you were...
two pubes away from being a man
when I showed up...
but you can take my name.
If you wanna stick it to 'em.
That'd be worse for your kids
than my dad's.
-I mean, your name's Humpton.
-[both chuckle]
Jimmy doesn't wear a jimmy,
but he humps a ton.
Dude! That's my mom.
Your mom's a dandy lady.
She falls for dopes,
but she's a dandy lady.
All she gives a damn about
is having a good time
and her nest.
Hell,
she even takes care of her exes.
Your mom will know
what's best, mate.
Just like always.
I hope you like your weenies big
and your buns hard!
I know Karen does.
[Karen] You've got as
much meat in your pants
as a veg restaurant!
[Jimmy] Come check my veg wrap.
Hey, mate, wanna smell?
Check that out.
-Smell. Come here, come here.
-Dude, get--
-Come here. Come here.
-Get out of here!
f*cking coward. [chuckles]
[G-Pa] It says auto focus.
Why do I need a lens
if I got auto focus?
Man, you're not an artist.
[Jimmy] Well, why would you
watch it swim?
Just wanted to thank
all of our beautiful friends
and family for being here
to celebrate our Bo boy.
-[laughing]
-Yeah, Bo!
Even you, Scott.
You can finally share
a legal cocktail.
In Mexico.
-[laughing]
-[vocalizing]
He's officially a man,
but he's been
the man of the house
since he was yay high.
Yeah, well, you were all over
my manhood last night, so.
Jesus, Jimmy.
You know, we started
renting this house
when I was still in school, son.
[indistinct] before I bought it.
-Shut the f*ck up!
-Shut the front door, Scott!
Hang on a second.
I took Bo down to the Comber
for his 21st, like...
two years ago.
You really are one short
in a six pack, aren't you?
You took me because
I got my driver's license
and you needed a DD.
[Jimmy] That was
a hell of a day.
You rode on top of the Beetle
from the DMV
all the way to Mission Bar.
Yeah, and then you
yarfed in your beer glass
and gave it back to Sheila.
And then--
and then ordered another round.
And then I picked
your drunk ass up
-from the drunk t*nk.
-Thank you, Mom.
-That was his birthday.
-Nope.
His was the TJ drunk t*nk,
and I was in it.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
It cost me a month's pay
to get her out of there.
Dogshit!
Brenda flashed the guards.
Cowabunga, baby.
Them's my girls.
-Yeah.
-[laughing]
We've had some good times,
haven't we?
Very questionable for
a mother and son, but...
good times indeed.
I love you, big buddy.
You're the best friend
I always needed.
Come here.
Get a room.
Get a job.
[snickering]
[Karen] Here we go.
[Jimmy] So I-- I told Bo--
Oh, you're as dumb
as they come, Humpton.
Now he'll trusts me
as much as he trust--
I told him to listen
to his dandy lady.
Oh, you're a good boy.
Can I sleep in your bed tonight?
[Karen chuckles]
So what do you think?
Anything but
that dicknose's name.
The nerve he has bringing
his blow-up bimbo to my party!
She looks kind of
like a younger you, yeah.
Except for the booze
and the babies.
Scott does know
how to pick them.
-[Jimmy] That he do.
-She's quite a looker.
[romantic music playing]
You're into hookers.
Yeah.
You want me to toss Scott's ass?
-Like a salad?
-[exclaims] I'd pay to see that.
[Jimmy] Yeah?
How much are you gonna pay?
How much you got?
I'll give you a discount.
I'll give it cheap, real cheap.
Come on.
It was on the pump this morning.
It was, huh?
I saw it from my front porch.
Some of my favorite editions
from '84.
Tuck those away. They're gonna
be worth some coin someday.
["When We're Alone"
by Drager playing]
What? [chuckles] What was this?
Some words that
might help you out.
With what? When did you
write a self-help book?
I've been sh**ting
the pier long before
I ever laid you on a board, son.
Guy had it coming.
Anger...
will solve nothing.
It doesn't build anything,
and it can cost you...
the rest of your--
And what chapter
am I gonna find that gem?
Hmm?
I might be naive, but peace,
joy, and enlightenment
isn't gonna stop my buddy
from getting double-teamed.
The PB is full of wasteoids
these days.
If you want a spot
in the lineup,
you're gonna have to
fight for it.
You don't own real estate
in the Pacific, son.
And you're college bound.
Being a brute may get you in,
but it's not gonna
serve you once you're out.
Hmm.
Okay, teach.
You know why subs
never teach real lessons?
Uh, because they called out
very last minute,
and they didn't have time
to give the teacher--
The kids won't listen.
The subs didn't put in the time
to earn their respect.
[Young Bo]
He has a half day, madre.
[Karen]
And he's dropping you at home?
That's what the man said.
-[Karen] Use the phone at--
-I know the drill.
Are you seeing this?
You're as sharp
as you are sexy.
[Alea] You're welcome.
Hey, Dad, you see
Tony's b*mb last night?
Bax, toss your old man
a cold one.
Hi, Scott. How are you?
[Scott] Fine.
What are you, a law-abiding
citizen all of a sudden?
Looks like you got a can
in your hand to me.
Can't drink
that light piss anyway.
Dee Dee, grab your old man
a banquet beer from the fridge.
[G-Pa chuckling]
Wait, I need a refill.
So, how's the sh*t business
these days?
[chuckling]
Your mother's
in the talking sh*t business.
I'm rich off manure.
[Bo]
You can pay for my school?
I taught your ass to swim
and that better pay off.
I drew up
some PBS [indistinct].
My boy.
Give me that CIF color.
I feel unbeatable.
Gotta be
the new weight program.
-Baz is pushing me.
-Just like I told him.
He said you've been over revving
six gear.
-Who said?
-Baz said.
-You talked to my coach?
-[Scott] He answers when I call.
It would have been easier
just to show up
-for the 21 second race.
-Tell that to my boss.
-You have your own business.
-21 seconds.
Sub 22 f*cking seconds.
g*dd*mn.
If I had me to coach me,
I'd have been a legend.
You're a legend to me, old man.
Happy birthday to you, Bo.
Linda, can you give us
a f*cking minute?
Talking to Bax.
Looks like he has other things
on his mind.
[waves crashing]
[moaning] Oh, God! Oh!
Thanks for coming, Linda.
My pleasure.
And Scottie boy,
I'm about to become a man.
How about we cut it out
with the nicknames?
Call me Bo.
[Scott]
What are you doing up here?
If we hurry up we can catch
the last inning.
You didn't see sh*t.
It won't happen again.
Bax, can we please
keep this between us?
Yeah, it won't
ever happen again.
[Scott] You have my word.
f*ck you
and your f*cking word, Scott.
This is my g*dd*mn house.
Keep your mouth shut.
Good.
[crying]
[waves lapping]
[Karen] Poor little buddy.
He's been searching
for Ward Cleaver
in anyone over 30
with a set of huevos.
Not gonna find 'em here.
It's not about me
having my huevos scrambled,
'cause you were the one
that told me
to get my tubes tied.
Scotty!
No speaking while he opens!
Oh, you're fine.
Rebecca, zip it
or I'll hog tie you
and throw you
in the basement.
One for me, please.
Thanks, mom, I totally needed
nine identical pairs
of tighty whities.
One for each day of the week
and two just--
[Jimmy]
Around the world! [chuckles]
Come on.
The one by your left foot
is from your G-Pa and I.
[G-Pa] Every man needs a suit.
You go ahead and try that on.
I mean, sh*t, my muscle,
back in my fighting days,
I was built
like a brick shithouse.
[chuckles]
Thanks G-Pa,
it really means a lot.
You keep making me proud.
-I'll just go f*ck myself.
-[laughing]
That's beautiful, Daddy-o.
And you too, Mom.
All right.
Who's gonna top that?
My gift's private.
Is Sandy giving Bo the clap?
The clap is not as fun
as it sounds.
[whispering]
Let's go upstairs.
[Jimmy] Coming.
[G-Ma]
What is that? I can't see.
They're drinking coins
for the Beachcomber.
-Yeah, baby!
-Here we go.
[G-Ma] That's lovely, Jimmy.
A thoughtful present
for an 18-year-old.
Well, thank you, G-Ma.
I thought you'd appreciate it.
Nobody likes getting lubed up
more than you do.
[laughing]
I've been saving those
for longer
than you've been alive.
-Stealing.
-Stealing,
I've been stealing those
for longer
than you've been alive.
He's got more Comber coin
than real coin,
-that's for dang sure.
-[Jimmy] Yeah.
Well, I say
we ram this popsicle stand
and go to the beach!
Drinks on me!
Me's on drink!
-Drinks on--
-Sit down, Stooges.
-Damn it.
-Scott. You're up next.
Hello?
-Earth to oblong schnoz?
-[Scott] What?
Do you have a present
for your son?
-Um--
-Yup. Here it is.
Yeah.
It's from your sister and I.
["When We're Alone"
by Drager playing]
Eat the apple.
On your mark.
[whistling]
That's my boy!
Thanks.
For when you go off
to college.
I guess I'll kind of
sort of miss you.
And that's all she wrote.
Hope you got everything
you ever dreamed of, buddy boy.
Now, Jimmy,
turn on the tunes,
and someone pour Mama
another drink.
[Jimmy]
Yeah, Mama. Yeah, okay.
["We Are One"
by Chillers playing]
I saw your face
And I knew
you had to be mine
I saw your waist
And I loved you
I saw your face
And I knew
Did Bluffer
just deflower baby boy?
Everybody's talking
[indistinct]
[Linda]
Dance with me, old man.
Cut it out, Bax.
Bo.
Shocker.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means that if I were Bo,
I would be relieved
that you were sticking it
in a blow-up doll,
and that I didn't have
to take your last name.
Have another drink,
Humpty Dummy.
-Awesome idea.
-Jimmy, shut your yap hole.
Adios!
Keep him on a short leash,
Linda.
[indistinct lyrics]
I might be drunk,
but you have a d*ck for a nose.
You have a problem with me,
we can head outside
-and handle it.
-All right, [indistinct].
[woman] Your family's gnarly.
I love it.
Let's lower our voices
and conversate.
Anger is like--
Nobody ever knows
what the heck
you're talking about, Olafsson.
Turn down the music.
I can't hear sh*t.
[record cuts]
[Jimmy chuckles]
Man, both of your daddies
are duds.
Just take my name.
I'll walk you out.
Wait a second, son.
What's all this
name stuff about?
[laughing]
He didn't tell you either!
I must be
the number one daddy on the--
Take it easy, sailor.
It's nothing, Olaf.
I'll tell you about it later.
Sure sounds like something.
Explain.
It's nothing.
We'll talk about it later.
Uh, it's something,
actually, because, uh,
you were never actually
his daddy.
Karen.
You translate for your moron.
I'm choosing a f*cking name!
Olafsson?
I raised that boy.
You gave him some food,
a bed,
and trained him up
like a canine.
A-- a-- and what exactly
did you do, Roberto?
You-- you drop off
some used cartoons
and some papier-mch?
What is that, man?
Is that parenthood by osmosis?
What have I ever done
to disrespect you?
You walked out on my girl
and my best friend,
man, that's what.
Oh, you should be thanking him,
you nimrod.
Hey, you're right.
Thanks, nimrod.
You too, dicknose.
I thought
I was your best friend.
What f*cking name
are you choosing, Bo?
Say it right here, right now.
Be a coward like
the rest of your bloodline.
Not another step,
you money grubbing,
socially awkward,
two-timing son of a bitch.
If it weren't
for my granddaughter,
you wouldn't be allowed
100 miles within this house.
Tell him, gramps.
I've had enough
of your drunken dribble
for a lifetime!
-[Scott screams]
-Oh, sh*t!
-Get him, Jim!
-[man] [indistinct]
No, no, no, no, no, no!
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!
Hey! [indistinct] Hey!
Hey, I don't care if you cr*ck
each other's nuts all night,
just don't do it
in my house.
[indistinct] fight it out,
don't fight it out!
Three dads
G-Pa,
busting each other's nuts
-Zip it up, dolt!
-[chuckles]
Come and get me! [grunts]
Scott, you put
your filthy paws on my grandpa,
I'm gonna give you
a new f*cking nose job.
All right,
it's time to split.
Jimmy's right for the first time
in his f*cking life.
Get out, Baxter Bo!
[Robert] Slow up, son.
Talk to your father.
He'll talk to you tomorrow, Rob.
Sorry.
-[laughing]
-Make good choices.
["Tripp" by Chillers playing]
[waves crashing]
[Griffin]
Why didn't you tell me?
You can't even solve
your own problems.
Whoa.
What is that supposed to mean?
Really?
How about you stop lying
to yourself, for starters?
Yeah. Get real.
The only one
lying to themselves is you.
You do everything you can
to push away your dads
and blame
on your daddy issues.
Says the f*cking guy
who hasn't said
more than one word
other than "Yes, sir, no, sir"
since the eighth grade.
All my dad and I have in common
is our last name.
He'd trade me
for someone like you
like I was a f*cking pink slip.
You have three dads
that are willing to show up,
deal with each other's baggage
just to see you.
Regardless
of what they call you.
Why don't we take a chill pill
and go to the beach?
f*ck the chill pill.
-[Jimmy] [indistinct]
-[tires screeching]
I nearly wet myself!
You shouldn't be walking
in the middle of the street.
And you shouldn't be riding
on the roof
or letting Rusty drive blind.
Rusty don't get drunk on beer.
That's true.
It's a real gift.
Glad to see
you got out of dodge, mate.
Or should I say
young Humpton?
No.
Fair enough. Fair enough.
We're on our way to the Comber
to wash off that shitshow,
and it looks like you guys
need to do the same.
Come on. All aboard.
You think we can spend 20 years
of collecting in one night?
I-- I am not going
to the Comber,
that place
is full of crusty reefs.
Oh, come on, kid.
-Put that coin to good use!
-[exclaims]
All yours.
Bitchin'!
We're all looking for
A great escape
Some magical ship
to set sail with you
Far away
Like a troubadour's...
[Jimmy screams]
Ah, stop here!
That port has got more firepower
than we had in Nam.
You were a line cook in Nam.
-[Jimmy] f*ck you.
-But truth.
Hop out before these mutts
start sniffing up my ass.
Ol' Rusty may be a bit rusty.
If you make it home tonight
tell Mom we headed south.
I will do my best.
What do loose lips eat again?
There's a great donkey show
across the street
from Rose's.
-Donkey show?
-You are sick geezer, Rusty.
-Everybody's got to see it once.
-Negative.
That sound...
-will change you.
-[Rusty chuckling]
Adios, amigos!
Steer clear of Rose's and, um,
I'm sorry that I embarrassed
your stepdad.
And only because
it's your birthday!
Feliz cumpleaos, papi!
Feliz cumpleaos, papi!
-Feliz cumpleaos, papi!
-[Bo] [indistinct]
Jimmy is an idiot,
but you gotta love him.
I've seen his bum more
than I've seen a woman's.
Dude, I would not mention
that to Sandy.
["Sadness" by Strawberry Fuzz
is playing]
[indistinct lyrics]
[indistinct lyrics]
[indistinct lyrics]
[indistinct lyrics]
[Bo] [indistinct] this place
is called the Tequila Garden,
for f*ck's sake.
[bartender]
The name's in English.
And the customers
are gringos like you.
And the tequila?
Mmm, let me see.
Mm. Es mierda.
You want your booze
with no rules?
You guys are in the right spot.
You want authentic Tijuana
then head down to Calle la Rosa
where you get your donkey kicked
and your chicken stolen.
[both laugh]
Sounds like my kind of party.
Muchas gracias.
I mean, thank-- thanks.
Don't mind the birthday boy.
He just got some chonies
and some fake money.
Mm-hmm.
Do you take dollars?
[bartender] [indistinct]
Another problem solved.
To dancing
till the sun comes up.
To taking the name
of our fathers and nothing else.
I like my dad and his name.
The bar isn't going anywhere.
I want to dance.
[bartender speaking Spanish]
Hey. What's got
your chonies up in a bunch?
Dad fights stepdad.
Typical birthday bash.
[bartender laughs]
Is that funny?
[speaking Spanish]
You gonna handle your booze
the same way that you couldn't
handle your daddy issues?
I can handle my booze.
Uno mas.
Gracias.
[bartender] Your gringo problems
mean nada in Mexico.
Nada.
And your tiny dancer...
if I were you,
I would get down
on both of my knees and pray.
I'll be at the bar
[indistinct].
You dragged me down here.
Now get up and twirl me.
What are you doing?
I'm trying to make this
a night we won't forget.
For the right reason.
With me, Alea?
Hmm. Experimenting.
Proving to Baghdaddy that
women can think for themselves.
Your dad knows a clunker
from a corvette.
Just stay clear of my sh*t show
when you still can.
I could if I wanted to.
[upbeat electronic
music playing]
But I want you.
I want us.
You are the one and only.
It only takes one.
But seriously,
give props where they're due.
Karen might not be
in line for sainthood,
but she's always there for you.
You're one of the smart ones.
Nothing else matters
when I'm with you.
I know...
exactly who
and where I wanna be.
And where's that?
[eerie music playing]
Oh, no,
desperation station.
Wait.
[Bo] This is the exact spot
I met you.
Alea Kai, I wanna build
my family around you.
Will you marry me?
-[Alea] I love you.
-You do?
But I can't.
No, we're not like--
Just let him-- just let him be.
[indistinct] beer.
[speaking Spanish]
He had seven beers.
He's gonna
pick a fight with someone
and this time
he's not going to win!
f*ck, f*ck,
you're right. f*ck.
He's a big d*ck
and he's looking for something
to f*cking-- Let's go.
["Him" by Lovehoney playing]
I don't know where
to go from here
[indistinct lyrics]
[man shouting in Spanish]
[indistinct lyrics]
[siren wailing in distance]
[indistinct lyrics]
[indistinct lyrics]
[donkey braying]
Oh, I am in pain.
Deep physical
and emotional pain.
-[coughs]
-I'll never be the same.
[man talking in Spanish
over radio]
Just go home.
You took off.
I didn't need a psychic
to read your mind.
I'm 17, Bo.
Yeah, I want to get engaged
someday,
but not like that,
drunk and desperate
in a shitty underage bar?
I am bet--
we are better than that.
Haven't you learned anything
from your parents?
I'm better off alone.
Clutch, then we can bounce.
Let's dial Karen and go to bed.
-[waves crashing]
-Karen, yes.
Dogshit!
Brenda flashed the guards.
That's my girls.
Yes. My girls.
Mr. Officer.
[metal clanking]
We need to get
the frick out of Tijuana.
[indistinct chatter in distance]
[laughter]
[Alea] Rough night.
["Corridor of Dreams"
by Cleaners From Venus playing]
I'm sorry.
-Super, super sorry.
-You're what?
That's 100% the first time
you've ever said sorry
to anyone.
It's been thrown at me
so many times, it...
it's kind of lost its meaning.
You two...
you mean a lot.
More importantly...
is Brenda hotter than me?
I don't even think Brenda's
cannons are taking out that guy.
[all laugh]
And what the H
did you say, Griff?
Yeah.
Actually, What did you say?
Uh, are you two fiancs
or what?
What's gonna happen?
What's going on?
Alea, it's...
tradition in my family
to make impulsive
lifelong commitments
without considering
the consequences.
We'll call it pre-engaged.
And don't get down
on one knee again
until you have something
to slide on this finger.
Okay, I got-- I have a tight,
little furry ring.
You can slide your finger
right in it,
but we just got to
get rid of Griff.
-Dude!
-Disgusting!
[all laugh]
I mean, guys, seriously, thi--
this was one for the memoir.
-My dads finally fought...
-Yeah.
I'm engaging the love
of my life...
and my papi chulo
saw his first ass.
Lady's ass.
I'm gonna go grab a cab.
[car horn honking]
What are you staring at?
Hey, hey, back up, boy.
Yeah, don't tell Alea.
Dude, how bad was it with Bluff?
You didn't stuff the Bluff,
did you?
She wanted--
she wanted your attention.
I wanted her to...
[chuckles]
...to swipe my V-card.
Yeah. [chuckles]
...Crying kind of a place
Like, classic he said,
she said
around the ru--
rumor mill and...
soon enough,
I'm the straightest guy
at Crawford High.
Come on.
You're my best pal.
But it soon harder
So take some time
[plane whooshing]
That won't be
misspent on me
It will stay another day
I swear that...
Later, O'Humptons.
I'll make you see
It's not where you are
It's where
you feel you should be
[retching]
And it's where
your heart is
Sit down.
[indistinct] tequila
or the thought of marrying me?
I'm so f*cking stupid.
Karen married Robert
in TJ at 18.
Your dads' mistakes
are theirs, Bo,
not yours.
When you commit to something,
you commit.
Even if it's trying to kiss
your best friend.
I did not mean
for you to see that. [laughs]
Let's get you home.
I'm gonna need [indistinct]
my future daddy in law.
Whoa,
you need some mouthwash.
I'd sooner kiss pizza breath!
I meant Griff.
No, no!
You're a real
positive influence.
I have been up
all g*dd*mn night,
you son of a whore!
[woman laughs]
That came out wrong.
Where have you been?
Rosa's.
Am I seeing things?
Call me, Karen.
It'll piss off your ex.
What? She's sweet.
You went to TJ without me
and you left me here
to clean up
after your dicks for dads?
I wanted to party.
What is it
with the men in my life?
They leave me
when I need them most.
Your manchild of a husband
was supposed to tell you
where we were.
Too [indistinct]
to hold his tongue
or find his way home.
I had to tell him.
You just seemed so lost,
and I thought a father's
perspective would help.
When have I ever had
a father's perspective?
You have had many
a father's perspective--
Well, I needed yours.
You haven't asked me for advice
since you were in diapers!
Because you turn it into
a jab or a joke.
You got dealt a hand of jokers.
I'm sorry for that.
I fall fast and I fall hard
and I forget quick
and I learn f*cking slow,
but I have tried, Bo.
I have done my damnedest
to protect you and your sister
and to give us
a somewhat normal life.
That's why I kept
those jokers around.
I should have told you,
but every passing day
I got more and more nervous
and started to
question my decision,
every decision
I have ever made for you.
There's no manual
to this parenting thing.
I started
when I was 17 years old
with little support
from your grandparents
or the dopey kid
that stuck you in my belly.
You get pissed off and swim,
surf, or draw it out.
I choose to laugh it all off.
I'm sorry. [sobs]
I don't know how you turned out
even halfway sane
in the membrane.
I still want to
leave it to Beaver.
[both laugh]
Have you made your decision?
I think so.
All it took
was a one night stint
in a TJ drunk t*nk
and Griff finally accepting
who he is.
[gasps] I knew it!
-Keep it between us.
-Oh, I can keep a secret.
So tell me.
-Are you pulling my leg?
-No.
[laughs] I had all my money
on Robert Dicknose the second.
It's the only name
that deserves to be carried on.
[alarm blaring]
Bloody Sunday.
Oi, wake up.
This must be my nightmare.
You want some milk
with your jelly filled doughnut?
[laughs] And jealousy.
That's exactly
what I'm going through.
Yeah, well, get over it.
We're an item now.
Oh, you must be
a freak behind the teeth.
He's actually a premium upgrade,
diesel boy.
-You working today?
-Yeah, why?
Could you go get your new beau
and I a slice of 'za?
We could use some guy time.
-The usual?
-Yes. Thank you.
I'm all good, babe.
-Are you sure, babe?
-Totally, babe.
[Griff sighs]
Come here, come here.
Explain yourself,
Rock Hudson.
I don't know.
What can I say?
Uh...
that bum.
Look...
she doesn't know that you know
that we didn't do it,
so-- so don't blow my cover.
No, we're not.
For real, buddy,
you told me that
you were light in your loafers
about two and a half hours ago--
Keep it down, dude.
And so what if I am?
It doesn't change anything.
Listen, I know that
you haven't been down there yet,
but, Sandy,
she has a vag*na.
[sighing]
Yeah, I know.
I could have sworn
I saw a bulge in that bikini.
I could have sworn.
What do you expect?
We walk around
Crawford High with--
with the-- with some--
with a twinkie on my arm?
Twinkie?
It's like a skinny gay or a gay
that looks more like a--
more like a--
something like that.
It doesn't matter.
You may-- you may not
give a sh*t who I do,
but the rest of the school,
the town...
I don't-- and most
of the f*cking world does.
I'm quite content
being the guys.
Or f*cking guys
without a clique.
Or would you rather be the guys
that play with each other's...
bums? I--
That's one way to get up
and forget about you
and your last name.
Well, Sandy's a short term fix.
-Eventually you're gonna have--
-To be gay.
But I'm not-- I'm not dumb.
As soon as she realizes that
you're not
a jelly filled doughnut,
she's gone.
Until then
I'll be there for you, man.
You have never winked at me.
Not once.
Just because I'm game--
Oh, sh**t.
-Heyyo, Roberto.
-Griffo.
Yeah, I should go and--
But like I was--
but like I said,
-I'm game for the plan.
-The plan. Yeah.
Yeah, the thing that
we were just talking about.
The thing.
The thing we were just
talking about right before...
Robert walked in.
I was just
in the neighborhood.
No, it's groovy, man.
I was just about to meet Sandy
for some 'za.
Oh, my God.
Hey, speaking
of the little pepperoncini.
Oh, that's so cute, babe.
Hey, Robert, how are you?
That smells nice.
All yours.
Well,
the pizza doesn't sell itself.
[Robert] Thanks for lunch.
You-- you two have fun.
Yeah.
What? You want your book back
or do I owe you diaper money
from 1969?
Do I need a reason
to drop in on my kin?
Usually you need
a pretty damn good one.
Well...
then sell me something.
You know, I made up my mind.
I'm not here to win
the Olafsson name back.
You already have my name.
You forget what Bo's short for?
About as short
as the time we spent together.
Your childhood has been...
confusing.
What the f*ck
has you so confused?
That anger is the punishment
you give yourself
for others' mistakes.
Let it out, Robert.
Once and for all.
Let me clear some things up
for you, Confucius.
All right? Your mistakes.
You bailed on Karen,
you bailed on me.
All right, to this day
we let you mope around
and feel sorry for yourself.
It's f*cking pathetic.
Have you ever
fought for anything?
Anyone?
Sign it.
You're a soft as putty quitter.
Your sport, your art,
your wives,
and your f*cking namesake.
The jealousy that I felt...
feeling like
you lost your wife
and your boy
to a lesser man.
It's blinding.
But sometimes...
sacrifice is the ultimate gift.
A steady paycheck
over sport and my art.
Letting Scott sub...
so that Karen
didn't have to raise you alone.
Did you sign the papers?
You already know
the answer to that.
I needed to know
who was telling the truth.
What you needed
was a real family.
Just because my branch has
a different name doesn't mean
it's not a part
of the same tree.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I didn't think
you were half or...
or a third of the story.
Could we paddle out some time?
I'm there.
Changing all the time
We are taking sh*ts
in the dark
And it tears us apart
You're not going to
the end of the earth
But it is
an endless search
To prove
I am not good enough
No, I'm not strong enough
No one is ever enough
The more I search
the world
The more I see my girl, well,
I don't need another...
[answering machine]
You have one new message.
[machine beeps]
Hi, there.
This is Coach Carl Morgan
calling with a message for Bo.
I'm gonna be attending
the CF southern section finals
and I'm really looking forward
to seeing you swim.
I'll drop a line afterwards
and looking forward
to seeing you break
your own record.
[line ringing]
It's Scott.
If you got something
you need to tell me,
call me back or come find me.
[melancholy music playing]
Far out, right?
[Alea] That should be
some motivation.
UCLA
is not accepting a C student
no matter how fast you swim.
I mean,
I know what'll make me study.
And what's that?
I'm not 18 till midnight,
you still owe me
a tutoring session with rewards
when I get it right.
[Alea]
And when you get it wrong?
You know I don't like that.
-Okay, you can pay me or--
-I made a decision.
I'm sticking to SDSU.
UCLA is one of the best schools
in the country, Bo.
We-- we had a plan.
Plans change.
Something better came up.
You need to do
what's best for you.
Don't you worry. I will.
Good.
Love you the same
The funny things
that I keep in my head
The funny things
that I don't understand
I understand them with you
And all the walls
I built in my head
And all the rules,
they don't make any sense
I think they're changing,
changing my views
I'm coming down
off the hardest trip
Your sweater's soft
on my fingertips
As the sun sets
over the moon
I dug a hole
that I could not pass
The grass is green now
I can't go back
We should paint it blue
And I can't tell
what's inside my glass
I don't know
but I'm drinking it fast
I'll slow it down
for you
I'm playing dumb
'cause I want you to laugh
I don't look that good
in photographs
But I'm playing,
playing the fool
Oh, I'll play the fool
[waves crashing]
[school bell ringing]
[upbeat
electronic music playing]
Attention, swimmers.
Please clear the pool.
We'll be starting
in 15 minutes
with this 200 meter
medley relay.
So grab a drink,
maybe a snack and find a seat.
You're not gonna want
to miss this one, folks.
Looks like you got
some fans in the stands.
-Had to put on a show.
-No kidding.
All right,
ladies and gentlemen,
the moment we've all been
waiting for,
the 50-yard freestyle final!
-[applause]
-[whistling]
You look ridiculous
in that f*ckin' swimsuit!
In lane three,
we're gonna have
our current San Diego
section record holder,
Bo Baxter.
[sparse applause]
Uh, hold on, folks.
Actually, correction.
It's gonna be
Bo Williams in lane three today.
Actually, Bo Williams.
[sparse applause]
[Jimmy shouting]
All right! Come on!
Yeah!
[cheers and applause]
[announcer]
All right, swimmers.
On your marks.
Eat the apple!
[announcer] Get set.
[whistle blows]
That sure makes a statement.
I'm just doing
what's best for us.
We're two straight lines
heading to our destiny
And that's the only reason
why you're with me
Because people's lives
should always be their own...
The fastest swimmer
in the history
of San Diego county.
[Bo laughs]
Guess I finally
ate that apple, huh?
I don't owe you
happiness
You only owe that
to yourself...
I still have no f*cking clue
what that means.
[laughs] Yeah.
I'll hold your hand
through hell
And raise a glass...
I could, um...
I could be
a better communicator.
All those things you said
on the answering machine...
uh...
They're probably true.
It doesn't mean
I'm not, um...
doesn't mean
I'm not proud of you, Robert.
Call me Bax, pops.
Are we gonna make it?
I hate when you ask
Is it just patience
that makes love last?
Sometimes it's the pressure
of everything else
[Bo] Karen used to say...
"If you can't ditch
the family skeletons...
you may as well dance
with them.
But you gotta cut some skin
To mold to one another
You can be in love
but that's not enough
For anything real to last
'Cause I got my doubts
when I'm picking up the slack
And you fight, and you cry,
and then you ask
Are we gonna make it?
I hate when you ask
Is it just patience
that makes love last?
Are we gonna make it?
I hate when you ask
Letters in the alphabet
Made it hard on Juliet
She couldn't be
with her Romeo
Because his name
wasn't good enough
And I suppose a shaggy soldier
would disagree
That a rose by another name
would smell as sweet
Ain't nothing
to be afraid of
'Cause your name
ain't all you're made of
Yeah
I said, hey,
but tell me now
I said, hey,
but tell me how
I said, hey, tell me now
Hey, man, oh, tell me,
what is my name again?
What is my name again?
What is my name again?
What is my name again?
Well, G-Pa said to Scott,
not another inch
You money grubbing assh*le,
two-timing son of a bitch
Then Jimmy egged G-Pa on
Scott said he had enough,
and he said to Jimmy
Humpton,
you ain't nothing but a drunk
Said Scott hated Jimmy
and G-Pa hated Scott
Robert sh*t himself
and Karen's all pissed off
Then Scott came at Jimmy
who hid behind G-Pa
Slammed into
the both of them
And they crashed
into the wall, yeah
Yeah, three dads
and G-Pa in a rumble
Yeah
What's My Name Again? (2023)
Moderator: Maskath3