11x01 - Crash Goes the Hash (1944)

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

[SARCASTICALLY]
What a newspaper.

What an organization!
Send those news hawks in here!

Yes, sir.

You're a fine bunch
of reporters.

I send you to get a story,
and what happens? Nothing!

But they got the place
surrounded

by roughneck guards.

And it's su1c1de for a news hawk

to be in the neighborhood.

Oh, yeah?
Look at the Star Press.

They got the story!

They got the story! That's
what I need on this paper:

more men like they have
on the Star Press.

Are they miracle men or what?!

I'll get a story,
or I'll tear the town apart!

I'll get a story or else!

Oww! Ohh!

Oww!

[WHIMPERS]

There are three
Star Press reporters now.

Hey!

Star Press!

Come on up here!

Hah-ch-ch-ch-ch.

[SPITS] Hey, cut out the
stalling, go on up there.

Yeah, it's your turn.

I've been running my legs off
all morning

till the cuffs on my pants
are frayed.

"'Fraid" of what?

You're a great bunch
of reporters.

You're all fired.
Get out! Hurry up.

Come on, stupe, we'll all go.

All right. [WHINES]

Come on!

Ohh!

[WHINES]

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[SNIFFS]

What are you doing?

Listening to the band.

Would you like to hear
some birdies?

I'd love it. Take off your hat.

Nyuhh!

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Get going.

This way, please.

Hi.

[WOLF-WHISTLES]

[WHISTLES]

How are you, boys?

How do you do? How do you do?

Nice to see you.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

Well, how would
you boys like to do

a little work for me?

Sure. We do the best
work in town.

Yes, and it's guaranteed.

Certainly. We're colossal.

We're stupendous.
We're terrific.

We're even superlative.

[SNAPS, CLAPS]

Heh. He's always clowning.
Where's the work, boss?

Well, here's a story
about Prince Shaam

and old lady Van Bustle.

I want to find out if he really
intends to press his suit.

He ought to. A man can't
get married in baggy pants.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Aah! Um--

I want you reporters to get me

the lowdown on this story.

Reporters? We ain't --

Ohh! [PANTS]

Now, you get me a picture
of Prince Shaam,

and I'll give you each
a $ bonus.

What good is a "$ bogus"?

"Bonus," not "bogus."

Don't you know what "bonus" is?

Certainly. Spanish.
"Bonus naches."

Sí, sí, señor.

Sí, sí.

♪ Re-e-e-e-e-e-e ♪

♪ Yuh-duh-duh-duh
Duh-duh-duh-duh-dee ♪

♪ La lee-lee-lee lee ♪

♪ La dee ♪

♪ La dee, da-da-da ♪

♪ Lee la ♪

[VOCALIZING] Nn-uhh-uhh-uhh!

[SNIFFLES]

I can't help it.
It's the Gypsy in me.

I'll gypsy you later.

Okay, boys.
You get me the picture.

So long.

STOOGES: So long.

[WHIMPERS] Ohh!

[WHINING]

Come on!

Mmm!

[MOE WHISTLES]

Hello.

Is this the Farnsworth
Employment Agency?

Well, this is Flint
at the Van Bustle residence.

What about the cook and the two
butlers you were gonna send me?

I know they're tough to get,
but I need some help.

Well, send them over
as quickly as possible.

The sooner the better.

Never mind that order.
Everything's under control.

I'm your new cook.
There's your two butlers.

Oh, splendid.
So, you're the new cook.

Well, now remember, we serve
dinner promptly at .

And, uh, incidentally, uh,

are you good on stews?

Certainly. He's
always half-stewed.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck. [SIGHS]

Now, whenever you're ready,
serve the drinks.

And don't forget the canapés.

"Canopies?"

Oh, you mean the toast
with the lace curtains.

Such levity.

You remind me
of the Three Stooges.

Hey! That's an insult!

Well, now. I was
only joking. Carry on.

Now, what would he want
with a "can o' peas"?

Not "can o' peas." "Canapés."

Not "can o' peas."
"Can o' peas."

One of us is crazy,
and it's not you.

Right. "Canapés."
Hors d'oeuvres.

Which one?
Canapés "or d'oeuvres"?

Make up your mind.

You put 'em on crackers.

They give you
an appetite like a horse.

Oh. Animal crackers. Ye--

Ohh!

Go on. Make the canapés.

With animal crackers.

Nyuh-uh-uh!

Listen, featherbrain.

Take this camera.
Keep your eyes open.

The minute you see the prince,
snap his picture.

Make it a candid picture.

Yeah, candid picture
of a can o' peas.

You gonna start that again?

I wish he would have
made it chopped liver.

Here.

Let's see, can o' peas.
Ah... can o' peas.

Animal crackers.

Hm.

Can opener.

Oh, there it is.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Canapés?

Canapés?

Whoa!

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck,
nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Cana-- Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Canapés?

Prince Shaam, will you have

some hors d'oeuvres?

[IN FOREIGN ACCENT] Oh,
thank you, Mrs. Van Bustle. Eh--

Uh--

Uh, why, my dear,

this caviar has turned green.

It's mildewed.

What? [GASPS]

That's no "calves' ear."
That's "can 'o peas."

Oh. Fool!

So am I.

[BARKING] [BOTH GASP]

[GRUNTS]

Mm-mm-mmm!

Ooh.

Hmm!

[TRAY CLATTERS]

Uh-ah-ah-ah!

[SPITS]

[SPITTING]

Mm-ah-ah-ah!

Ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack!

You go get a picture
of those two

while I peddle the lemonade.

They're over there by the piano.

Here you are, folks! Get
your ice-cold lemonade! Ohh!

It's delicious. You'll
love it! [SCREAMS]

Oh. What's the matter with her?

Here you are, folks.
Get your-- Hmm!

[GRUNTS]

Mmm!

Hm.

Ahh.

Ooh!

Here you are, folks!
Get your ice-cold lemonade!

It's delicious! You'll love it!

Here you are, folks!
Step up, now!

You'll love it! It's de-- Nyuh!

Have a lemonade?

Listen, you idiot.
That's for the guests.

And don't handle
the ice with your hands,

you featherbrain.

I think you're right. I'm
starting to get chilblains.

Hold this, will
you, please? Oh--

Nyuh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!

Go get the ice tongs.

Yes, sir.

Everything's okay, boss.
We got in all right.

Yeah. I'll see if they're
snapping the picture. Goodbye.

[BONES CRUNCH]
Ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh! Get my nose out of here.
I'm suffocating.

Nyuck, nyuck! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh.

Nyuck, nyuck. Why don't
you look where you're going?

Why don't you keep your nose
out of strange doors?

[GRUNTS] Hmmm.

Ohh. Ohh.

♪ La lee la ♪

Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh!

Oh. Ice tongs. Yeah.

Ohh! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Here. Go on! Ah-- Mmmm!

Go on.

What are you doing?

I think it's silly too,
but orders is orders.

Put those things away.

Have a lemonade? Ten cents
apiece or for a quarter.

What?

I'm sorry. Have all you want.
It don't cost anything.

Here's eggs in your vest.

[LOUD GULPING]

Ahh. That's my th one today.

[LIQUID SLOSHES]

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh, the help these days.

It's deplorable.

♪ Nice, little turkey
Getting its bath at : ♪

♪ And will be well cooked
By : ♪

[LAUGHS]

Aah! Ohh!

You're a wise guy, huh?

Ohh! Pah!

Nyah! Ohh! [SPITS]

There we are. Now...

Prince Shaam. I think
we should announce

our wedding date, don't you?

Oh, well, no, my dear.

I think an elopement would be
so much more romantic.

Uh, why don't we
plan to run away

together next week, huh? [GASPS]

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

What's this?

[IMITATING CHILD] It fall down.

I'm so sorry, prince.
These stupid people.

Oh, think nothing
of it, my dear.

It's all perfectly all right.

I'm sorry, madam.
Can I take your glasses?

[FABRIC RIPPING]

You know... [LAUGHS]

[PEOPLE LAUGH]

Uh, madam!

Nyuh-uh!

Your, uh-- Hmm.

[SCREAMS, SOBBING]

What happened?

You fools.

Get in that kitchen.

Mmm!

[BARKS]

Whoo-whoo! [FLINT GROANS]

♪ Oh, why ♪ --

Ohh! [DISHES CRASH]

Oh. What happened?

"What happened?" Yeah.

One of these days
I'll tear your tonsils out

and shove it right in your eye!

Pipe down, you guys.
I got some great news.

The prince is really
gonna marry the dame.

They're eloping next week.

But I didn't get a picture.

You didn't? Gimme that camera.

I'll get a picture... I hope.

Hurry back. Uh--

[SNIFFS]

Hey, my turkey. It's burning.

Oh, gum on my shoe.
Just my luck.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[SIZZLING] Ohh!

Ohh! Oh, turkey.

Ha. I love turkey.

Come here. Get outta here.

[SQUAWKS, CAGE CRASHES]

What's the idea of
tearing that turkey apart?

Uh, no, I-- What's with you?

If it's found that way,
we'll lose bucks.

What's the matter with you?

That turkey belongs
to those people.

Now, don't let me hear you say
or do anything again

to a turkey.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[WOMAN LAUGHS]

Ohh! [GASPS]

[PEOPLE GASPING]

Don't worry, buddy. We can do
without mashed potatoes.

There we are.

Pbbt!

Good as new.

[GROANS] You idiot! [GASPS]

Here you are, toots.
Here's the bird.

I'm so humiliated.
Nothing like this has ever--

Hey! I just gave you the bird!

Very well.
Go ahead and carve it.

Oh, okay.

[GROANS]

Mmm!

That's kind of you, but one--

Oww!

Nyuck. Nyuck, nyuck,
nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[YELPS] [GASPS]

Mm-mm-mmm!

[YELPS] Oh.

Mm-mm-mmm!

What's going on here?

Why didn't you k*ll this bird
before I brought it in?

Go on and carve.

[BIRD SQUAWKS]

Ah-uh-uh-uh-uh!

It's haunted!

You shut up or I'll haunt you!

Oh! It's alive!

Ah-uh!

WOMAN: I never
saw anything like that.

I've never seen anything
like that before.

Yah, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

That's incredible.

[ALL GASP]

Ah-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-
wa-wa-wa-wa!

[ALL GASP, SCREAM]

This is an outrage!
I am leaving!

FLINT: Ooh!

Ooh. You stupid oafs!

STOOGES: Ohh!

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
You maniacs!

You're fired!

ALL: Ohh!

Get out!

Why, you...

[BARKS] [ALL WHINE]

Nyuh-uh-uh!

I'm quitting. Let's get out
while the getting is good.

Quiet, mongoose.
We don't get the $ bonus

until we get a picture
of the prince.

You're right.
Let's go and find him.

And don't sh**t until you see
the bags under his eyes.

Right. Come on.

[AMERICAN ACCENT]
Imagine that simpering old fool

falling for that line.
Me, a prince.

[SNICKERS]

Shh.

Shh.

Shh.

[SQUAWKS] Oh, jeepers, creepers.

What a night.

I told you to shut up.

Oh. But I didn't --

Shh.

[SQUAWKS] Oh, jeepers, creepers.

What a night.

I told you to be quiet. Shh!

[BONES CRUNCH] Ow, ow, ow! Ow!

Shh!

Come on.

[DOOR OPENS] What's that?

Oh-- It's them!

Ha! I got you... with the goods,

and you're going to jail!
Why, you--

Put your dukes up.

That's what you think.

[ALL CHATTERING, GRUNTING]

Ohh!

Oh! Oh!

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!
[GRUNTS]

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

Whoo-whoo-whoo whoo-whoo!

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!
All right, you!

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

Ahh. Ahh. Ahh!

[BLOWS]

Uh.

Sorry, Mr. Bull,
but the prince ain't a prince.

He's a crook.

We've got a picture
of him robbing the safe.

We had him arrested.

Yeah, so there ain't
no wedding and ain't no story.

No story?!

Why, this is the greatest scoop
that ever hit this town!

Stop the presses!

Hold everything for an extra!

For an extra ?

You said it. Take this to
the cashier and get your dough.

Oh, boys! We're millionaires!

We're billionaires!

Mmmm!

Heh.

STOOGES: So long. So long, boys.

Ohh!

Hm-mm-mm!

Oh, there you are!

Oh, my dear, dear boys.

You saved me
from a horrible fate.

You I shall marry
instead of that terrible prince!

Ohh.

[KISSES]

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!

[GROWLS] Oh, well.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!

[SCREAMS] Ohh!

I'm poisoned. What's
the matter with you?!

What's the idea? Ohh! Ohh!

What's the matter with--?

Why, you--

Ahh, what do you want
from me? What's the--?

I'll strangle you.

I'm standing here.
I'm not doing it.

Oh! Mm-mm-mm!

Ohh! Ha-ha-ho.

[♪]