01x10 - Virgin Hangover

[bunniefuu]

[phone ringing]

It's jeena, bro.
Don't answer it.

Uh...

Mondo?

Mondo,
where's wadska?

We have to get
our family photo taken

In less
than an hour.

Yeah...That's not
going to happen.

[donkey braying]

Does that zebra
got a black eye?

Balls.

[pop rock music]

♪

[school bell ringing]

♪

[grunts]

As you were.

Carry on.

Dude, what's
with the match?

There's plenty
of light in here.

But it's stinky.

This, gentlemen, is a map
to one of the great treasures

Of our mysterious
coastline...

Rancho nudero.

It's a legendary nude beach
on the outskirts of town,

A moist, glistening cove

Between the shapely legs
of the pacific ocean.

Very nautical,
very sexual.

I know, right?

I suggest we cut
last period

In order to make it in time
for the nudening dusk,

A magic hour
just before sunset

When the golden rosy light
turns every woman

Into a glowing goddess.

[plopping sound]

Ugh, man!

Have you been taking
a crap this whole time?

Not the whole time.

[disgusted groaning]

Now why doesn't this
surprise me?

[plopping sound]

All right, we just have
to make it to my car

Without being busted.

Let's just play it cool,
keep it low-pro.

[whistling]
sneaky, sneaky whistling.

Are you guys
ditching class?

Uh...
'cause I am.

Where are
you guys headed?

[warning sound]

Nowhere,
to do nothing.

Same old same old,
and on and on and on.

You know, it's kind of like
the w*r on terror or something.

Um, mondo, can I talk with you
for a moment in private?

Look, whatever you guys
are up to, it's cool with me.

I just need
a favor.

We're getting
our family portraits

Taken tonight, and I need
to get my hair done.

I know that's lame,
but I was hoping you could--

Uh, help you get through ads
in fashion magazines

And find just
the right look?

[sighs happily]

I figured this day
was coming,

And I've already done
some of the legwork.

A leighton meester
would look smoking on you.

Maybe I'll take
a rain check on that.

Look, I just need to
get wadska

To the photographer's
by 8:00.

No problem.

I'll have him there
with a smile on his face.

Good luck
with that.

He never smiles
in pictures.

I'd just be happy
if he didn't ruin it.

Just once, it'd be nice
to have a happy family portrait.

You were so cute, jeena.

Oh, really?

Even with braces
and my little mosquito bites?

Especially with
your mosquito bites.

Oh, please.

I will never smile
for the man.

Never!

Even if the man is waving
a beautiful teddy bear

From behind the camera
and bribing me

With peanut butter cups!

Bro, chill out.

Remember the nudening dusk.

Oh, sorry,
sorry, sorry.

And make sure
he takes all his meds.

[engine revving]

Well, hey, if it ain't
the three muskekweers.

What's up, fartanyan?
And uh...

Uh...

Ah, screw it,
you're all fartanyans.

[laughs]

I'm counting
on you, mondo.

Tally-ho,
turd burglars!

[laughing and cheering]

The training wheels
are off!

Balls!

Time to get my acting career
back on track.

[gulps,
ankle bracelet beeping]

[sighs]

Woodie, I promised jeena

I'd make sure wadska
took all those pills.

Aw, don't worry, bro.

What's the worst
that could happen?

Side effects of withdrawal
may include melancholy, colic,

Melan-colic, blackouts,
black-ins, renal failure,

Testicular success,
particle acceleration,

Overactive gaydar,
general nihilism,

Making weird lists,
backseat driving--

Oh, turn here.

[tires s s s s s s s s]

We should be close.

Mm, says we're looking
for hook-up hollow.

Look, it's box wine stump!

And there's panty drop rock.

And the copulating oak.

♪♪

This way. Let's go!

Oh, the california beach peach .

I suggest we carb up
for the long day ahead.

Hell of a handshake, kid.

Welcome to ranch nudero!

[beachy ska music]

♪

Not cool.
Not sexual.

I know, right?

[zipper lowering]
[gasps]

Horseshoes.
Watch this hustle.

Oh, what's this game?

Maybe we should play
for money.

I know you've got
pension checks.

Oh, you boys remind me of
a young jack and bobby kennedy.

[chuckles]

You wouldn't believe
how different

Two brothers' penises
could look.

Anyhoo, you should
go play

With my granddaughter
and her friends over there.

[distant club music]

Hear that?

That's the sound of girls
making bad decisions.

Let's go!

But...I've got
to get wadska.

[horseshoe clanking]

When I was your age--
what are you?



I was dodging the draft so
the army wouldn't ship me off

To the moon
to fight the beatles.

[laughing]
oh, please.

We never landed
on the moon.

That bastard armstrong planted
old glory on cornelius-88.

Ringer!
Pay up, charles.

I've had my eye
on that cane all day.

[ice rattle]
you hear that, myrtle?

That's the sound of
your tip disappearing.

Looks like we got here
just in time.

No, no, no!

[indistinct chatter,
thumping music]

This party's better.
Wait for it.

The dusk has nudened.

[angelic chorus]

[soft moaning, giggling]

Now, wadska,
I'm responsible for you,

So I want you to stay
close to me at all times.

Do not lose
your cool.

Hey, guys!
I'm so horny.

Oh, my god,
she's hungry!

I think she said, "horny."

Are you sure?
I distinctly heard, "hungry."

[grunting]

Ladies.
Hi.

I'm sigourney.

Both: Ohh.

I'm debbie,
and I'm so horny.

[high-pitched]
both: Ohhh.

I heard "sigourney."

Hey, mrs. Brando.

Thanks for coming to help me
pick out a hairstyle.

You always look so hot.

Oh, thanks.

You know, while I was waiting,
I found the perfect style.

You know, we'll tease it up,
do a little french fluff,

And stick a big pouf
on it.

Ugh!
What? Just messing.

Jersey's not all whores
and steroids.

[laughter]

Come on, let me
introduce you to my girl.

Oh, your teacher
ms. Teets is here.

Damn it, I look like
a peanut butter sandwich.

[sniffs]

And I smell
like roasted chicken.

Can I get a peanut butter
and roasted chicken sandwich?

[cheering]

[sneezing]

Sorry, that's never
happened before.

[eerie tribal music]

♪

Are you my wolf guide
from the spirit world?

Nah, man, I'm your beer guide
from modesto, whoo-hoo!

[slurping]

Ahh.

My papa lost
his driver's license,

So I use driving him
out here as an excuse

To party my tits off.

Mm.

[pants fabric stretching]

Oh, sorry.

Sometimes naked women
have this effect on me.

Please don't think
I'm a monster.

Oh, it's a totally
natural response,

Especially when you're sipping
on stuff this pure.

Mm, what flavor
is this again?

Trippin' balls flavor,
baby.

[trance-like drumming music]
ooh.

Now the only thing
not natural

Is that you have to hide
your feelings

Under all those
uptight civilian clothes.

You've got to let
your freak-chub fly.

Take those cotton shackles off

And we'll rub
each other's souls out.

[clothes ripping]

The training wheels
are off!

So I started surfing
when I was about six.

Took some lessons,
entered a few tournaments.

[giggling]
I love your stories.

Let's kiss.

Whee!

The most wonderful thing
about mondos is

♪ I'm the only one. ♪

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Woodie, the colors
are talking to me.

I can see them
in my ears.

What was in
that drink, bro?

Same thing that's
in this one, I guess.

[chuckles]
mm.

Get your dong out, bro!
[grunts]

Do not make me look bad
in front of these goddesses.

Dude, you're taking off
my underwear.

You're making yourself
look bad enough.

What are you doing?
Now we can't get dressed!

That's the whole point,
wood.

We're never getting dressed
ever again!

[cheering]

♪

Lose again!
Ha-ha!

Just not your day,
fake-ahontas.

[cell phone camera clicks]

Mondo, you've got
to get it together.

Everyone is looking
at you.

Of course
they're looking at me.

I'm perfect
in every way!

[donkey braying]
it's the cops!

Where do you think
you're going, rookie?

You don't go into a synagogue
without a yarmulke, do you?

Do you, boy?

Nice ass.
Donkey's not so bad either.

[drunken laughter
turns into coughing]

Son, nudity ain't
for everyone.

Why don't you put these
groceries back in the cupboard?

You better put your groceries
in my cupboard.

Nobody can tell me
where to be naked.

I'll be naked
wherever I want.

Here, here,
every-damn-where.

Nudity?

We're just here because
your bonfire was out of control.

[laughs]
you can't control this mess!

What makes you think you can
succeed where denim has failed?

They'll never clothe us alive!

Never!
[cheering]

[conch trumpeting]

Hey, coppers!
Born naked, die naked!

[rock music]

♪

[shouting]

[sighs happily]

[donkey sniffs]

[chomping sound]
[shrieks]

That's not a carrot.

Don't you know
who you're messing with?

Wah!

[deep voice]
I am fartanyan.

[howling]

Side effects of withdrawal
may include renal failure,

Testicular success,
overactive gaydar.

[shrieks]
overactive gaydar!

[electronic beeping]

Boop, boop, boop,
boop.

[screaming]
I'm so confused!

Bro, wadska's
gone a.W.O.L.

All for one,
one for all.

Tally-ho,
turd burglars.

[maniacal laughter]

I'm going off the grid.

Yeah, that's not
going to happen.

We're going
to be about five--

[g*nsh*t]
maybe ten minutes late.

What are you boys
in for?

Donkey-punching.

On a school night?
You boys are buck wild.

Jeena's freaking out.
Where's wadska?

We're never going to get him
to the photographer by 8:00.

He was acting mad crazy
when he took off, bro,

Even for wadska.

Without those pills,
he's out there

Ticking like a pipe b*mb
full of ninja knives,

And it's our fault, man.

My fault?

If you hadn't turned
into the nerd of the flies,

Everything would have
been fine.

Hey, you're looking for
a squirrelly white nerdy kid,

Right, about this tall?

You've seen wadska?

My boy dubska?
Hell yeah.

Hey, help me
get out of here,

I'll take you to him.

Um, officer,
can I get a refill?

[screams]

God, that coffee
is so cold!

I hate cold coffee.

[phone rings]

[sighs]
okay, I'm officially worried.

I hope it wasn't a mistake
to trust mondo with my brother.

Don't trust any man.
I've heard it all.

"I'll love you forever,"

"that red light's
not a camera,"

"this isn't part of
a sexual scavenger hunt,"

And "you can't get pregnant
on a roller coaster."

Eh, I've heard
that one too.

But you can trust
mondo, honey.

I'm sure everything will be
perfectly fine.

[panting]

All right, t.I.,
we got you out.

Now where's wadska?

Who-ska?

[laughs]
oh, man, I made that skype up.

I just described every white kid
I ever seen.

You want to find
a squirrely white kid,

Why don't you stake out

A mother[bleep]in'
chester cheese's?

[laughs]
sucker little white kids.

That guy was
not helpful.

[sighs]
come on.

We got to find wadska.

[car horn honks]
both: 'sup, mcnubbins?

We should probably
get some clothes.

[muzak playing]

b*at it,
we were here first.

Where the hell
can we get clothes right now

With no cash,
no skills,

And no high school diploma?

Clothes? Hell, I'll even
give you both g*ns.

Let's get you maggots
signed up.

Now I wouldn't be
doing my job

If I didn't bring up
the fact that...

Well, you boys are both
naked and handcuffed.

You got a little trouble
with the law?

Uh...

Over or under
manslaughter?

Um, under?

[sighs]
aw, hell.

We'll take you anyway.

[g*nshots]

Now you boys just show back
up here tomorrow

And we'll start turning you
into men.

Or at least into boys that
aren't afraid to die.

Wait, both your names are
dirk kirk turkpatrick?

Mm...Yeah.

But everybody calls us turk.

Maybe I should just call
one more time.

Enough with that already.

Here, you look fantastic,
honey.

Thanks, they do
a mean neck shave here.

Huh?

Nah.

Arrested,
escaped from jail,

Running through
the streets with g*ns.

Wadska would have
loved this.

Yeah, he would have k*lled
somebody by now.

Man, all this time
I've been worried about myself

And what jeena's going to say,

But what if something
really happened to him?

What--what if he's hurt
or dead?

[wolf howling]

[drumming]
there's something very familiar

About that hat.

Hey, I heard the pigs at nasa
never went to the moon.

Heh, they landed on
cornelius-88.

Cornelius-88!

That's the planet
wadska made up.

Hey, buddy, where did
you get that hat?

Start talking,
los lobos.

Hey, guys. Why did--
why did everybody stop drumming?

Yeah, we're not looking for
trouble, mr. Hippie, sir.

I'd have an easier time
believing that

If you weren't
carrying pistols.

What, these?
Here, take them.

See, we're just looking
for our friend.

We thought you might have
seen him.

We hate cops' friends
even more than we hate cops.

What? Hey, we're not cops.

Oh, yeah?
Hit this if you're not a cop.

Dude, we're not even
dressed like cops.

These are army clothes.

Then smoke this
if you're not an army.

[phone rings]

Fine, whatever.

Spark it up,
mcconaughey.

[exhales]

Woodie, did you hear that?

At least now
we know he's alive.

Dude, you didn't actually
inhale that, did you?

[exhaling, coughing]

Wait, which one's
"inhale" again?

Woodie,
snap out of it!

I need you, man!

We've got
to find wadska

And get him
to that photo sh**t.

All right, burrito.

I'm with you.

Is that wadska's
lucky horseshoe?

Nah, that's just
regular bum stuff.

[conch shell trumpeting]

Check it out.

An anatomically
exaggerated replica!

We must be close.

I think we're headed
in the right direction.

Wadska's shirt!

Hey, where'd you get
that shirt?

Traded a little weird kid
for it.

Traded him
for what, man?

Flare g*n.

[flare g*n explodes]

Wadska!

Ah, my gentle mates.

I see you received
my invitation flare.

Dude, why in the hell
are you sh**ting off flares?

Why didn't you call us?
What do you mean?

I've been calling,
texting,

And picture-mailing you
all night.

You never answered.

Oh, besides, cell phones
are so last week.

Flares are where it's at now.

Pizza.
[g*nsh*t]

Sir, will you stop
ordering pizzas like that?

There's a line.

Guys, you wouldn't believe
the night I had.

It has been spectacular.

You have to meet
my beloved wanda.

We found him
cringing

Like a magnificent
unmedicated beast,

Clutching a flare g*n,
in our recycling bin.

He couldn't remember where he'd
been or how he'd gotten here.

But luckily, he and I
are on the same cocktail

Of nine different meds.

So we had his beautiful mind
online in no time.

Oh, and these gals are her
sisters, keesha and platinum.

I've been telling them
all about you.

Chester cheese's
is the best place

For ladies like us to find
some caucasian strange.

Come on in, guys,
we are going to party down.

There's no time.

[light pop music]

♪

Flare me,
white prince.

My first kiss, my first kiss,
my first kiss.

Dude, where's my car?

Crap, it's back
at rancho nudero.

We don't have time
for this.

[car horn beeps]

White boys!
What the hell y'all up to?

Just hanging out on the side of
the road being white?

[laughs]
I'm just messing with you.

Oh, where'd you get
this fancy car, dude?

Traded this bunch of
drum-murdering hippie kids

Some weed for
a couple of g*ns.

And you traded the g*ns
for the car?

Yeah, basically.

[thumping from the trunk]

So long,
gay boys.

You little dudes
need a ride or something?

I'd take a ride from
a serial k*ller right now.

[sirens wailing]

Don't worry, fartanyan,
I ain't that kind of crazy.

Wait.

How many people you gots to k*ll
to be a serial k*ller again?

[tires squeal]

You can really haul ass
now that they repaved

This stretch
of sidewalk here.

There's the portrait studio
up ahead!

Hey, y'all boys mind if
I kind of don't pull over?

I'm in a bit
of a hurry here.

Um, can you get it
under 30 at least?

I ain't making
no promises.

[grunting]

[clock tolling]

I can just take a few pictures
of you guys, if you want.

No, it wouldn't be the same
without my little brother.

[grunting]

Never...Leave
a man...Behind.

[camera flashes]

I just wanted
to thank you again, mondo,

For coming through.

Told you.

I hope you don't mind that
I don't have braces anymore,

Or that my mosquito bites
got a little bigger.

♪♪


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