I used to love the nightlife and hang
out in a bar I used to hit the button
but then I hit a car
to see me do the strike
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I gotta go
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it was hot the kind of hot that makes a
man glad he's paralyzed so he doesn't
have to feel his undies filling up with
sweat but hey we weren't a bunch of
complainers
oh my delicate system can't handle this
heat much longer I can't believe we
don't have water or air conditioning hey
money was tight this month we had to
prioritize our bills yeah we barely had
enough for the dirty Channel enjoying
the lovely everyday people about as much
as we'd enjoy getting sodomized by a
Turkish prison guard but at least we get
to see you to what do we owe this
unexpected pleasure I'm here to take
Fontaine to his new job I'm ready and
raring to go
don't you be forgetting something Jack
the pears again I share some downs up
again I would blind him I didn't bump
into him
what dumb job if you got from this time
heart surgeon he's an extra in a movie a
movie Central Park a love story
Oh doesn't it make your heart go hold
your hobbled horses I've got an idea
so do I it involves a golf club and a
pair of rubber pants you could all be
extras you just have to stand around
doing nothing you'll be perfect sorry I
had my brush with showbiz in high school
I was a Southern gentleman coming home
after the Civil w*r I've been fighting a
w*r and this is
pay me sell my farm marry my dog and
have my brother put to sleep please talk
about lousy homecoming you can at least
get a kiss
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I was sensational I brought down the
house show business for me why would I
want to do something like that again you
get $15 a day and a free lunch I'm in a
movie there's gonna be lesbians there
I'd heard the movie business was filled
with Liars cheap women and crooked
accountants but it sounded too good to
be true well at least I got our minds
off the heat
yo atmosphere sign up over there and
we'll get started
I studied drama at the National Art
Society oh and I get summer stockett I'm
Tiffany and this is my twin sister
Tiffany and we're here for the movie hi
yeah I'm the director um the part calls
for identical twins so I'm gonna have to
verify your identity so let's go behind
that bush and I'll count your freckles
okay people we got a movie to make let's
rock and roll
okay you with the useless limbs I want
you to roll through the frame from here
to there hmm
I want the short round guy to just sit
on the bench waiting for the bus and I
was hoping for someone whiter and less
blind okay and you lean against that
tree and eat an apple good eat an apple
I can do that
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I'm having a little trouble with my
motivation why am i eating this Apple am
i angry bored or simply health-conscious
you're just a man eating an apple how
long since I've eaten I don't know you
missed breakfast I did who did my wife
leave me did my kitchen explode have my
children been kidnapped
oh god no tell me the kids are all right
dude in 3 seconds you're fired okay one
two I'll just go with hungry hungry is
good okay places everyone and action
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glass head do you rule shred into pieces
and make him pay what was all that about
maybe it has something to do with that
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careful there Sparky fellas keep
searching we got to find the rest of
this poor bastard
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[Applause]
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well I had no idea you were a
cold-blooded k*lling machine I have a
whole new respect for you
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[Applause]
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I've never eaten anyone's head in my
life
pretty impressive they took the
background scenery and turned it into
the main attraction how dare they come
on what are you so upset about
so you slashed off a couple of heads
where's the harm this is an unauthorized
you supply image who I'll contact the
actors union I'll write the head of the
studio I'll sue your moviemaking ass
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look what you've done to him geez you're
looking at a million dollars worth a
pathetic pal dude I've been looking
everywhere for you man the studio loves
you
mass m*rder*r with a heart of gold
we're talking psycho buddy sequel a
major motion picture with an actual
script and catering after the way I've
been treated I don't think so I prefer
the theater where I can use my formal
training uh can I have a minute with my
client I'm so proud of you standing up
for your artistic vision most actors
would jump at this kind of opportunity
well it's all about the quality of the
work I mean what you did with that Apple
another actor would have just gobbled it
up but you took a simple piece of fruit
and sprinkled it with movie magic
exactly I tried to get into the mind of
the Apple i nibbled it right down to the
core then turned it over to find another
bite on the other side Oh
truly amazing what did you say the title
of this new movie was scream if you know
where I left your guts last summer scene
25 mark we had a burgeoning movie star
on our hands
sure he was fragile but let's face it
all actors are nut jobs so we brought in
some help to keep him on an even keel do
I look okay I've never liked the way I
look in shredded black robes you look
big
Dirk I'm sure you are I need just
breathe and say your mantra Knight of
the green pearl
strong as a rock light now go have fun
and k*ll some people huh okay places
everyone
and
I'm going birth any day
I knew
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[Applause]
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great job everyone he'd freak incredible
I have a few tiny problems with this
next scene it blows why am i slashing
Shelly throat wouldn't I try to reason
with her first
I might slice her to bits but I'm not
unreasonable one for me nonfat double
last day with two sh*ts at chop I said
three sh*ts of chocolate you imbecile oh
look at this there are green candies in
here I said no green ones this is an
outrage everything myself he's two
seconds away from getting a coffee enema
all right all right everybody just calm
down
where's Debbie jerky you naughty boy you
try that again and you'll get us
thinking and I'll be wearing my nurse's
uniform I am an artiste I live in the
moment now I want a scene where I can
really show my emotional range this will
do nicely
William Shakespeare but the dude who
wrote those plays no Ralph
Shakespeare the guy who fixed the fridge
I want to do a classical monologue yeah
but you're a homicidal maniac with a
sensitive side
I mean maybe when I'm not k*lling I I
teach theater to underprivileged
children look you better talk to him but
he's freaking me out
I think lefty is 100% right laughs
lighters the creepers strong as a rock
he brings great news the Raven himself
is hoarse that croaks the fatal entrance
of Duncan under my never was awarded
cease air bloody hands were washed with
touch
I am so excited I haven't been to a big
movie progressive Luigi house never
sound that's about right no wonder I'm
excited
[Applause]
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[Applause]
I'm so hot I'm going
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here's my monologue and now I have you
two small got it sorry buddy it was
rejected by the censors they felt it was
in bad taste
what have I done what could possibly
justify perpetrating this glorified
bloodfest it was a virtuoso performance
[Applause]
hi can you slice my neck so the kids at
school believe I met you it was a lot of
fun we had a great cast we were a family
I think this is a film that really
speaks to a lot of people all the
reviews are in
what do they say did they catch the
textured nuances of my performance
you've been hailed as this year's
bloodiest new psychopath the newspapers
called me a bloody psychopath just The
Times The Daily News as you're a
deranged butcher why don't you go get
some fresh air like another autograph
fine I'll sign my name is easily as I
sold my soul think I'm evil incarnate
this year's bloodiest new psychopath
derived butcher
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I'd never hurt a fly I'm an actor
playing a role mhm I see Lefty are you
okay we just heard what happened at the
supermarket we feel terrible
what good is you having a nervous
breakdown if we're not around to enjoy
it can't go on I totally understand if
you're not happy I'm not happy oh what a
relief to hear you say that you'll get
all the rest you need later first we've
booked a couple of personal appearances
I know what you're thinking we were
taking advantage but we were just trying
to fulfill Lefty's dream of being famous
and along the way my dream of being
independently wealthy come on down to
filthy Phil's youth cards we're slashing
prices if our salesmen won't deal we'll
deal with them
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oh please I've been posing like this for
hours come on baby this is a great
photo-op
sorry buddy I guess we left you in there
a little too long
[Laughter]
do me a favor run these cookies over to
the kids Spalding baked too many ice I
hate to see them go to waste
you called them they should be here any
minute it can't be a real celebrity if
you don't have a police record selling
dr*gs to school kids that should do it
Thanks
[Laughter]
[Applause]
ah talk to me that you Lefty
dear God these pictures are humiliating
are you kidding you look fantastic
not everybody looks that good getting
arrested have you been working out well
a little really shows you can't buy this
kind of publicity and look at us now are
you sure we can afford all this we've
got it all worked out at the rate we're
spending the money we've made should
last us what another 300 beautiful and
your next film is gonna take us over the
top just listen to this title / hands
takes London I don't like it I love a
little quality time and ye merry old
slicing and hacking from one coast to
the other brilliant or am i insane it's
inspired right lefty
oh no I refuse to compromise my values
any longer I quit
ho ho you can't do this now we're just
about to hit the big time first class
all the way we're gonna tell t-shirts
I'm sorry my decision is made
oh man this bites the big weenie it
looks like all deals are off wait wait
let me be the k*ller ask anybody I've
always wanted to m*rder people don't
worry babe we'll deliver / hands I
promise
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one actor signed sealed delivered he's
yours I throw in a few extra shower
scenes for free all right here she would
be look at him lining up
one thing I love about teenagers they
don't have any taste and he doesn't know
anything about it I told him he looked a
little pale
you know lefty that's enough to send him
to bed for a week
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[Applause]
Oh miss can you spare hey how about a
pound of flesh
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take a little something to remember you
by
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a little rough now blokes but you'll get
the hang of it
[Applause]
sneaky and you got no morals our
strippers you're perfect for show
business I am I didn't do it alone
I'd like to thank the members of the
committee I knew it
you tricked me I'm Dan come on Dirk pick
up I know you're screening I've been
calling all day I have to talk to you
I'm late
Lefty look I know how you feel about us
compromising your values yeah that's it
so I talked to the director even though
we signed for a sequel they're gonna let
us out of our deal
they are why I thought it was doing
boffo at the box office you know that
group parents against v*olence
apparently they've been protesting great
they're gonna burn down our house
Nancy you rang
yes'm some folks from the Shakespeare
Festival are here they want to talk to
you about making an appearance finally
someone recognizing my ability
[Applause]
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you