09x21 - Carbon offsets

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[Cheers and applause]

]] John: welcome, welcome,

Welcome to to "last week tonight"!
I'm john oliver.

Thanks so much for joining us.

It's been a busy week.

Joe biden signed the
inflation reduction act,

The c-d-c announced a major
reoganization, and the fallout

From the fbi search at mar a

Lago continued, with Tr*mp's

Associates spinning increasingly

Outlandish rationalizations for

Why it was okay for him to keep

Sensitive documents there,
including this one.

]] Really, if you look at the
espionage act, it's not really

About taking the documents,

It's about destroying them,
or hiding them,

- Or giving them to the enemy.
- Right.

It's not about taking them and
putting them in a place

That's roughly as safe as they were in
in the first place.

Okay. Uh,

]] John: look, putting aside

Rudy walking right up to
the line of pleading guilty on

Tr*mp's behalf -- he took the documents.

If you're comparing the security of two

Places, the two worst examples

Would be the white house and the

Florida resort where a failed

Bachelorette contestant actually
claimed on instagram,

"I snooped around pretty dang

Freely and the secret security

Wasn't too worried about which

Room I went in."

And it's not exactly a secure

Storage facility if

Youth pastor ryan reynolds here

Can just wander around
the ****y lights.

But we're going to start with
the midterm elections.

More primaries took place this
week.

In wyoming, republicans
overwhelmingly voted out

Liz cheney, despite her father's

Last-minute emperor

Palpatine-like endorsement.

And in alaska, a lot's been
happening.

They have open primaries, where

The top four finishers,

Regardless of party, go on to

The general election.

So, on the senate side, there'll

Be at least two republicans on

The ballot this fall: sitting

Senator lisa murkowski, and the

More extreme kelly tshibaka, who

Not only questions the 2020

Election results, but also, puts

Out alliteration-heavy ads like
this.

]] Together, I'm confident that

We can block joe biden's

Business-busting,

Crime-cascading,

Defense-decimating,

Energy-annihilating,

Freedom-flattening,

g*n-grabbing,

Mandate-militating,

Parent-punishing,

Police-persecuting,

Socialist-sympathizing,

America-obliterating agenda.

]] John: okay, I have a million

Problems with that.

First: "crime cascading" doesn't
work.

Cascading doesn't really take a

Direct object like that.

Next: "energy" and

"Annihilating" don't start with
the same letter.

Which is weird, because there

Are tons of other options for
"e" -- "extinguishing",

"Exterminating",
even just a

Simple "ending" if you're
feeling lazy.

Then there's
"mandate militating", which

Makes no sense and I'm not even

Going to try and explain it.
And of course the grand finale

Of "america obliterating
agenda"?

What the **** are you doing

Going "a" to "o" to "a" there?

You know what would be a great replacement
for "obliterating" in this situation?

"Annihilating."

But it's too late, because you

Blew that one right at the
start.

Other than that, no notes.

[Applause]

Alaskans also voted in a special

Election this week, to fill a
vacant house seat, and for

"That" one, they got to use

Ranked-choice voting for the

First time, which their local
news explained in the most

Alaskan way possible:

]] Imagine elk, polar bear,

Penguin, and owl are running for
office.

You prefer elk, and you're

Definitely anti-penguin.

So maybe you'll fill out your

Ballot like this: elk, polar

Bear, owl, and penguin.

You could also choose to only

Partially fill out the ballot,

And just leave off penguin

Entirely.

]] John: excellent.

I love so much there, from the

Fact that host didn't feel the

Need to take his
festively-wrapped cell phone out

Of his breast pocket, to the

Offensively alaskan choice of
candidates.

It's the equivalent of new
jersey explaining ranked choice

Voting using bon jovi,

Tony soprano, a deer that's

Never eaten food intended for

Deer, and melanoma.

Also, good call losing penguin,

Which, of course, don't even

Have the decency to live in the
state.

But I guess it just goes to
show, even when they're made up

Of fictional animals, every
election has to have its dr. Oz.

Now, the reason alaskans need to

Fill that house seat is that

Don young, who served since



And if you're not aware of
don young, he was a "lot".

John boehner once claimed that

Young pinned him against a wall

In the house and held a ten-inch

Kn*fe to his throat.

But he also had less likeable

Moments, like calling the

Bp oil spill not an
environmental disaster but

"A natural phenomena",
referring to latinos using a

Racial slur, and behaving like

This during a discussion of

Naming a post office after a

Marine who was k*lled in
afghanistan.

Just watch the left-hand side of
your screen.

]] Staff sergeant deaugustine

Was k*lled on march 27, 2012, in

Helmand province, afghanistan, a

Fierce battleground where over



]] John: what are you doing?

That was supposed to be a somber
moment!

How would you feel if someone
disrespected your memory like

That?
Watch.

]] Don young, the so-called dean

Of the house of representatives,

Has passed away at the age of


]] John: yeah, see?

Doesn't feel good, does it, don?

You're so lucky you're dead

Right now!

And then there was young's

Congressional office decoration

Choices, which were striking,

And always had the capacity to

Surprise.

]] That's a heck of a gavel.

]] You know what that is, don't

You?

]] Uhhh, yeah.

]] - You do, huh? What is it?
- I dunno.

]] It's a walrus's penis.

]] John: yeah.

The question "what is it" could

Really only be answered with "I
dunno" there.

The biggest red flag possible
would be for someone to say,

"Hundred percent, no doubt about it,

I could tell you blindfolded:
that's a walrus d*ck."

Also, I'm not sure where don

Young got that gavel, but I'm
just going to assume he used to

Host a paternity court reality
show for walruses.

Which all we'd watch.

So clearly, don young is leaving

Some big, weird shoes to fill,

And there's already a name-brand

Contender to fill them.

And deep down, you already know

Who it is, right?

Alaska needs a politician?

You know what's coming.

]] If I were asked to serve in

In the house and take his place,

I would be humbled and honored and
I would.

Yeah, in a heartbeat, I would.

]] John: yep!
Sarah ****ing palin's back, and

It's like it's 2008 all over
again!

She's running for office,
the u-s entered a bear market, and

Sex and the city is making
spin-offs it, quite frankly,

Doesn't have the material to
back up.

Society is going backwards.

Unsurprisingly, palin's platform

Is full of culture w*r bullshit.

She's said we "can't give up" on

Benghazi and hillary's missing

Emails, and has vowed to fight

g*n control and abortion rights.

But some alaskans worry

She's only running for the fame.

Local press has said she's been

Notably difficult for alaskans

To track down, and pointed out

She's turned down candidate

Forums, including one hosted by

The anchorage republican women.

Something they handled with
sublime passive-aggression by

Leaving an empty chair for her

With her name on it
and the word, "no".

[Laughter]

And I know chairs don't have

Agency, or access to a printer,

But it does look like someone

Taped the name "palin" to a

Chair, and now the chair itself

Is protesting it.

One conservative publisher in

Alaska even said, "sarah knows

How to work a crowd, but it's
sarah, inc."

Which honestly sounds like the
title of a sitcom starring kat

Dennings that's already quietly
disappeared from hbo max.

Hbo max: it's not tv.

It's a series of tax writeoffs

To appease wall street.

Look, palin has always been a
grifter.

And if there was any doubt about

What she really cares about,

Check out this chaotically sh*t

And edited video from her

Instagram account in may, where

She spouts a stream of campaign

Platitudes, then makes clear

What she's really up to.

]] I'm standing here getting
ready for a ride back to my home

With other candidates running

For the united states congress

To really make things right.

Things are going on in our
world, in our country, and we're

Gonna take it back.

Yahoos running our country right
now.

Whoo, yeah.

They need to replaced.

So, john.

Happy birthday to you.
And know that those around you

Who love you so much and speak

So highly of you-especially

Justin-but others, they too

Wishing you happy, happy
birthday.

]] John: yeah, it seems to be
an ad for both her campaign, and

Her cameo, with the caption even

Reading, "don't forget father's

Day cameo orders for your loved
ones".

Which is a spectacular racket,

Since she's essentially saying

"Don't forget to pay me to

Brainwash your dad!"

Also, fun fact: the john in

Question?

That was me.

My buddy justin -- he loves me

And speaks very highly of me --

Got it for me, and it was the

Best gift I've ever received.

But being sarah palin is good

Business -- on her financial

Disclosures, she revealed that

Last year, she made over two

Hundred thousand dollars from

Cameo.

Which she did by charging $199

Per video.

And that's just too much to pay

For an incoherent message from a

Parking lot.

Especially when, for just $75,

You can get a message from

Carson kressley, who'll tell you

You look great.

Look.

]] Hey, john, carson kressley

Here!

You look great!

Have you been moisturizing?

That'll be $75, please.

]] John: thank you, carson!

I haven't been moisturizing!

And look -- will alaskans fall

For palin's bullshit?
Maybe!

They've done so in the past!

But I sure hope they don't this
time.

Because frankly, the only

Conceivable step down from

Don young would be sarah palin,

Who, like a walrus's penis, is a

Fun alaskan novelty, and one

That has absolutely no business

Being in congress.

And now, this.

]] And now 60 seconds of tucker

Carlson being right about stuff.

]] America is a r*cist country.

White supremacy is our biggest
thr*at.

Republican senators are

Psychosis bigots and they don't
care about women.

This is a bad country run by
racists.

It's here history is inherently
r*cist.

Immigrants're facing prefect just

Smarter modern industry is creating
even if you're american...

The phrases all live matters

American exceptionalism and the

Celebration of columbus day are
r*cist.

The capital was a white

Supremacist insurrection.

Only losers and freak support

Donald Tr*mp year ago I've

Enjoyed white privilege.

I'm a r*cist.

r*cist!

White people are a holes!

This is propaganda at work!

Fox news is propaganda!

This is the greatest kind of
propaganda designed to divide

The country by race!

Too stupid.

None of this is real.

It's all just noise.

All of this is crazy.

This is total lunacy.

It's easy to laugh at this but

It's also horrifying.

Think about the brainwashing
required to do this.

This channel shouldn't be
allowed.

[Laughter]

]] John: moving on.

Our main story tonight concerns
earth.

It's basically the oscar isaac
of planets in that it seems to

Be getting alarmingly hotter
every year.

It's pretty clear this planet's
not doing great.

The level of carbon dioxide in
the atmosphere is now higher

Than ever in human history, and

The recent u.n.-Commmissioned
climate report was called

"An atlas of human suffering".

Which, coincidentally, is also

The slogan for craigslist.

Luckily, though, one group is

Here to fix it: giant
corporations.

Many are now claiming they've
hit upon a solution -- becoming

"Carbon neutral" or "net zero".

Basically, running their
businesses in such a way,

They don't increase the amount of
carbon in the atmosphere.

As of last year, "one in five of

The world's two thousand largest

Publicly listed companies

Have now committed to a "net-zero"
emissions target."

Which sounds great!

You may have even seen them
bragging about their claims in

Ads, like this one from united

Airlines, this one from apple,
this one from shell, and this

One from an unexpected source.

]] Kit kat is committing to

Becoming carbon neutral by



Through forest regeneration,

Planting five million shade

Trees, supporting regenerative

Farming, and securing 100%

Renewable electricity for our
factories worldwide.

And we'll offset any remaining

Carbon by investing in climate
projects.

Let's give the planet a break.

]] John: yeah, even kit kat is

Getting involved.

Which is a strange sales
technique.

It's not like you decide to eat

A kit kat bar because of their
net zero targets.

You decide to eat one because
you're at rock bottom and you're

Out of
reese's peanut butter cups.

As for the shovel made out of a

Kit kat, that seems less like a
sustainable farming tool

And more like what you'd use to bury

The body of the red m&m.

But the key phrasing comes at

The end there -- that they'd
"offset any remaining carbon".

That's actually a common tactic.

In fact, one study that looked
closely at the net-zero promises

Of dozens of companies in

Heavily-polluting industries

Found that two-thirds of them

Are relying on offsets instead

Of emissions reductions.

Offsets are wildly popular --

Even bands have promised over
the years to use them to reduce

The environmental impact of
their tours.

All the greats -- dave matthews,
bon jovi, coldplay, and even

Sergeant pepper's angsty
victorian ghost club band:

My chemical romance.

]] A big tour like this uses

Lots of energy: trucks, vans,

Lights, sound, and more, and

That has an impact on the
environment.

So we've partnered up with a
really cool non-profit

Organization called reverb to
help us green things up.

]] One of the things that they

Do is figure out how much energy
the tour uses.

Then they invest in alternative

Energy projects to help make up
for it.

]] John: cool.

Thanks guys.

And I admit it's nice to see them
represent their core fan base:

Middle schoolers who have to

Give a presentation in front of
the class against their will.

But I don't particularly care
for the phrase "green things up".

It sounds like something shrek

Would say right before he
reaches a sexual climax.

"Look out, I'm about to green
things up!

Watch me, donkeh!"

I want you to watch me
look me in the eyes.

And yet, if the idea that you

Can simply invest a little money

And make your carbon footprint
disappear sounds too good to be

True, that's because it
absolutely is.

Study after study has indicated

That most offsets available on

The market don't reliably reduce
emissions.

And yet, offsets are now the

Backbone of the environmental

Policies of many of the biggest
polluters on the planet.

So, given that, tonight,

Let's talk about carbon offsets.

What they are, what they claim

To do, and how they may actually

Be making things even worse.

And let's start with some basic
definitions.

The idea of a carbon offset is

That, if you emit co2 into the

Atmosphere, you can offset it

By, say, planting or protecting

Trees, which remove carbon from

The air, or building a wind farm

To replace a fossil fuel plant.

Here's how bp -- a major

Polluter, of course -- sells the
idea.

]] I've been driving around and

Generating three tons of carbon

Dioxide, which of course I've

Released into the atmosphere to

Join all the rest of the greenhouse
gasses that are already out there.

Now, imagine that miles away,

Maybe on the other side of the

World, somebody else takes three

Tons of carbon dioxide out of

The atmosphere.

So, what's happened?

Three tons in, three tons out,

Result: zero.

]] John: that violently british

Man did a pretty good job of

Illustrating the concept there.

I'm not sure he needed to use

The decorations from a clown's
funeral to do it, but I guess,

Without them, I'd never have

Known what it looks like when

You add three to something but

Then take three away, it simply

Can't be done.

But if that simple explanation
didn't do it for you, here's one

Idiot explaining offsets to
another idiot, using the worst

Possible metaphor, given who the

Second idiot is.

]] Of course, you can buy carbon

Offsets, which is the equivalent

Of buying, you know, a diamond

Watch, ring, and necklace.

If you're unfaithful to your

Wife and say, 'oh it's just an

Offset honey, no problem.'

That'll work...

Which a carbon offset is 'oh I

Can sin all I want.

I can put out all the emissions

I want-but you got to get rid of

Your caravan and drive a

Bicycle.'

]] John: okay, set aside

Hannity's inability to decide if

He thinks carbon offesets are

Like buying your wife a necklace

"Or" forcing someone else to
ride a bike.

Let's just dwell on him saying

The words, "if you're unfaithful

To your wife" to newt gingrich,

A man who was famously

Unfaithful to "two" of his three

Wives, so far, trying to get

One to sign divorce documents

While she was recovering from

Cancer surgery, and asking the

Second for a divorce shortly

After she was diagnosed with
m.s.

No wonder he just sat there
silently until hannity started

Speaking again.

I'm sure he desperately wanted

To walk out, but I guess newt

Would never do that to sean --

He only does that to people with

Severe illnesses.

But the point is: offsets allow

Businesses that can't
immediately "reduce" their

Emissions to balance things out

By buying emissions reductions
somewhere else.

And in some parts of the world,

They're actually a way to meet

Regulatory requirements on
emissions.

Places like china, korea,

Australia, and california have

Set caps for how much companies
can emit.

And if you go above that cap,

You might opt to buy an offset
to get back below it.

But companies operating outside
of those areas might still

Choose to buy offsets
voluntarily, so they can

Make claims like the ones you
saw earlier in those ads.

The voluntary market is smaller,

But it's growing incredibly fast

-- It quadrupled to nearly two
billion dollars in 2021.

Even you as an individual can

Now be sold offsets.

You might have seen checkboxes
like these on sites like ups,

Offering you the opportunity to
offset the carbon of your

Delivery, or maybe you were

Offered one as an impulse buy
while traveling.

]] Travelers through austin's
airport can help offset the

Emissions their flights put into

The atmosphere.

It only costs $2 and offsets

More than 1,000 miles of air
travel.

]] John: that price is obviously
too low.

It's pretty suspicious that you

Could walk into an airport, and

Offset more than a thousand
miles of air travel for just two

Dollars, then head over to a
cibo express where it costs at

Least five times that to buy a
soggy chicken wrap that somehow

Looks -- if I had to pick one
descriptor for it -- recently divorced.

There are even boutique

Companies popping up, like

"World's first human breath

Carbon offset service,"

Where you can, for seventeen
dollars a year, offset your own breath.

And if you just let out a huge

Exasperated sigh at hearing

That, bad news: that'll cost
extra.

Yep, you also offers you the
chance to offset your pets,

Ranging from $.06 for a hamster

To $6 for a cat, all the way to
$10 to offset your pig.

Which seems great, aside from

The fact that "$10 to offset

Your pig" sounds like a dutch

Sex act that was sent back and

Forth through google translate

One too many times.

"For $10, basilius, he offset

Your pig, so good, so strong,

Your eyes will pop and your
brave testicles will switch."

So while doing this
we really offset up pig.

And look: on some level, you

Probably know carbon offsets are
bullshit.

Both because you're a reasonably
intelligent person and because

You know exactly what show
you're watching right now.

I don't open my beak to squawk

Out good news; this thing pops

Open for sad news and porridge,

And I'm all out of porridge
right now.

But exactly how they're bullshit

Is interesting.

Because it's easy to say

You're reducing carbon

Emissions, but it's much harder

To prove it, and the truth is,

There aren't many checks and
balances in place to prevent abuse.

And let's start with the fact
that a key criterion for any

Offset project is what's called

"Additionality."

The idea is that an offset

Should provide an "extra"

Reduction of carbon, that wouldn't
have happened any other way.

For instance, if you planted a
tree that wouldn't otherwise

Have been planted, that's
additional.

As is saving a tree that would

Otherwise have been cut down.

But there are many cases where

The claim of "additionality" is

Shaky, at best.

Take j.p. Morgan, which
announced it had achieved

"Carbon neutrality" across its
operations in 2020.

One of the ways it claimed to
have eliminated its carbon

Footprint is by buying a million
dollars worth of offsets,

Claiming to protect an area in
pennsylvania called

Hawk mountain sanctuary.

But it turns out that the
threats to the sanctuary were

Wildly overblown.

]] This is the project's
planning document submitted in



Registry, and this is the

Baseline the project's built
upon -- that if it weren't for

Intervention, the forests will

Be subject to aggressive

Clear-cutting and high grading.

The problem was hawk mountain
preserve, as its name would

Suggest, was already a preserve.
Since the 1930s.

This area has been closely looked
after, managed, and protected.

The forest didn't need saving.

It wasn't under thr*at.

]] John: yeah, of course it
wasn't.

And that probably should have
been obvious from the fact it

Was a preserve, and not called

The "hawk mountain chop-chop
zone and tree m*rder playground".

As a reporter from bloomberg

Uncovered, that offset was sold
to j.p. Morgan by the nature

Conservancy, which has been very

Active in selling carbon offset
projects.

They also sold one hundred and
eighty thousand credits to

Disney, which ostensibly went to

Protect this forest in rural
pennsylvania from what the

Conservancy warned was a risk of
significant commercial timber harvesting.

But you should know: the nature
conservancy itself had owned

Most of that land since 1999.

And they're not, famously, in

The commercial timber harvesting
business.

And you might think, "well, good
for them.

They're taking disney's money,

And not having to give them

Anything in return."

But they are giving them

Something, though -- namely, the

Ability to make claims like,

"Disney reduced over 4 million
tons of carbon dioxide, equal to

Taking over 900,000 cars off the
road."

Which we already know isn't true

But, if it were, I do hope they

Would start with mater.

I don't care if he's lightning

Mcqueen's best friend,
he's choking us.

He's choking our planet to
death.

Also the money from offsets

Doesn't always go to places like

The nature conservancy.

Remember that airport plan where

You could offset more than a

Thousand miles of air travel for
$2?

Records show that this year, a
significant portion of the money

From that program has gone to
support trees at the

"Hudson farm club," in new

Jersey, a 3,800-acre private

Hunting club set up by

Peter kellogg -- billionaire and

Model for the l.l. Bean "heart

Failure at the yacht club"
collection.

Here's one member explaining

What happens there.

]] Peter had this vision of

Having a place for several of

His friends and additional
members to hunt in new jersey

And to sh**t in new jersey and
to develop one of the best

Sporting clays spots in the
whole northeast, if not the country.

It's called hudson farm.

It's approximately 3800 acres.

It's in andover, new jersey.

It's one of the most beautiful
places on earth I've ever seen.

And it is a hunters' and

sh**t' paradise.

]] John: okay.

First, it's not just me, we're

Getting strong "get out" vibes
from. Is it right?

Its not just made

Second, the hudson farm club
and the carbon company blue source

Claimed without the
money from carbon offsets, 77%

Of the trees could be clear-cut
in just five years.

But that clearly wasn't going to
happen.

It's owned by a billionaire, and
exists for rich guys to

Fantasize about sh**ting animals
in the wild, right down to

This life-sized cardboard cutout

Of a buffalo on four wheels.

In fact, I'd argue the only real
damage that might happen there

Is from that guy you saw talking
earlier, who seems in danger of

Casually sh**ting off his own
nutsack.

And with the market for carbon

Offsets increasing, and now the companies
are actively recruiting

Almost anyone who has
a tree, to get in on the action.

Firms like these are in the
business of finding small

Landowners and connecting them
with companies who'll pay them

Not to cut down their trees,

Pitching themselves with
like this one from ncx.

]] We're in a critical decade
for the climate and forests are

A powerful natural solution for
removing carbon from the atmosphere.

Ncx's forest data scientists

Developed the first
high-resolution forest map of

Every acre of america.

Now, every landowner and
every acre of forest can be part

Of the climate solution.

]] John: yeah, basically,

They'll pay you to leave your
trees alone.

Which is a pretty good deal, as

It should be easy not to cut

Down trees, unless, of course,

We're talking about this one.

Because **** this tree.

It has at least seven different

Eyes, "teeth", and it seems to

Be vomiting up a bush.

You look like the giving tree if

All it gave you was nightmares
h.p. Lovecraft.

I hate this tree!

And with ncx, you don't even

Have to promise "never" to cut

Your trees down, as they give
you the option to still get paid

Simply to defer cutting them
down for "as little as one year."

But a twelve-month delay doesn't

Really benefit the planet much.

As one expert we talked to
framed it, it's akin to selling

A carbon credit for holding your

Breath for fifteen seconds.

Also, there's a much bigger

Problem with all these
tree-based programs, which is

That even they do protect one

Section of trees from logging,

That doesn't necessarily mean

Much, if a logging operation
simply cuts down the trees on

The land next door instead.

Plus, given that

Forest fires are now on the rise

Thanks to climate change, offset

Programs can, and have,

Literally gone up in flames.

All of this is why, while
companies love to make big,

Broad claims about the benefits
of their offsets, they really

Don't like getting into the
details.

Take the airline a few years
ago, they began a

Voluntary program where
customers could contribute one

Euro to help offset their
flight, pointing to

Tree-planting schemes in ireland

And portugal that would help do
that.

But an expert later found

Those schemes offset less than


Emissions -- and when its ceo

Was pressed on this, he got a
little defensive.

]] The point here is that you've

Got a large and growing airline that emits
a lot of carbon dioxide and your offsetting

Scheme nowhere near meets that.

]] Absolutely wrong!

]] But there's an irish forest,
isn't there, in roscommon?

]] Yep.

]] Which is 7 hectares.

I mean, it is nothing.

]] From little acorns grow
mighty trees.

]] If you've only got 7
hectares, you're only going to

Get 7 hectares of mighty oaks

Aren't you?

]] We've only started this in
the last year.

I mean, we're working with four
projects.

We're re -- you know, we're replanting
trees in monchique in portugal.

We're supporting whales and

- Dolphins in ireland as well.
- ]] Whale tracking

Which has
nothing to do with carbon dioxide.

]] - And the bizarre one
]]- which has nothing to do with carbon dioxide.

]] No, but it's good for the
environment.

I don't think any of our
customers would object to

Supporting whales and dolphins
in ireland.

]] John: okay, it's not that

People would object to that.

Of course people love whales and
dolphins.

Whales are big honkin' boys who

Upshit water out of their heads,

And dolphins are smooth,

Friendly water dogs who cackle
like demonic babies -- they're

Both excellent.

But protecting them isn't the
thing you promised.

It's like if you asked your
husband to pick up your kids

From school and he came home
childless, but with a pizza.

You're not mad at the pizza --

No one's ever mad at the pizza

But it's not the important
thing he said he was going to do.

The problem with carbon offsets

Is, everyone wants to believe in
them.

Buyers want a cheap way to make
a big claim, and sellers want

Money for doing as little as
possible.

And ideally, there would be an
entity in the middle

Charged with keeping both sides honest.

And there actually is -- they're
called carbon offset registries.

They're supposed to be neutral
third parties who sign off on

The efficacy of potential
offsets.

These four are the major ones in

The voluntary offset market.

But those registries aren't
really accountable to anyone --

Technically, you or I could
start a registry.

And given that they're paid by

The companies selling the
offsets, it won't surprise you

To learn many experts say
their standards are far too low

-- As exemplified by the fact

The hawk mountain preserve, the
disney forest, and the hunting

Club, all met the standards

Of the american carbon registry.

Basically, getting a sign off
from a carbon registry is like

Winning a kids choice award --

It doesn't really mean much, but
it will help you temporarily

Look a little greener.

And look: the problem isn't
those projects themselves.

It's good to protect forests!

But the issue is claiming they
cancel out carbon emissions.

Because truly offsetting carbon
is technically possible.

Theoretically, if a wind farm

Gets built to replace a

Fossil-fuel plant, that had zero

Likelihood of getting built otherwise,
that could be a genuine offset.

But real-world examples of that

Are extremely hard to find.

One study of wind turbine

Projects in india, for instance,
found that at least fifty-two

Percent of approved carbon

Offsets stemmed from projects

That would very likely have been
built anyway.

Which causes real damage.

Because polluters in countries that
cap emissions bought those offsets.

And when you buy an offset so

You can pollute more -- and that

Offset is bullshit -- you're

Actively making things worse.

In fact, that study argues
the sale of those offsets

Substantially increased global

Carbon dioxide emissions.

Which clearly isn't good.

And there's one final way carbon
offsets can cause harm.

Because when that
bp spokesperson with the goth

Balloons referred to building an
offsetting project "miles away,

Maybe on the other side of the
world", it's worth remembering

That people might be living
there.

A decade ago, the swedish energy
agency announced that it had

Bought carbon credits from a

Company called green resources,

Which said it had planted

Pine forests in uganda, that

Could offset carbon emissions
elsewhere.

The problem was, thousands of

Rural ugandans were evicted by

The ugandan government to make

Room for the plantation,

Including this man, whose family

Once farmed a large plot of land
there.

]] When I was seven years old, I
started herding cattle.

The other kids and I herded the
livestock on our land.

There were rocks, which were
remnants from my great great

Grandfather's day.

]] Narrator: odongo, do you have
a possibility to just show us

Where your land was?

]] No, that would be a problem.

I can get in trouble
if I show you the land.

]] John: that's obviously awful.

No one should ever be scared
to show someone a piece of land,

Unless, of course, that ****ing janky
tree is on it.

If there were any squirrels
living in you, they've d*ed of

Embarrassment, I hope you know
that.

And the swedish energy agency
will point out that they've now

Backed away from that ugandan

Project, but I'll point out they

Only did that after that

News segment you just saw

Embarrassed them on swedish
television.

They were completely fine with
it until then.

So, it seems, at best, the

Benefits of carbon offsets are

Wildly overstated, while the
harm they can do is very real.

And while there are ongoing
efforts to at least improve the

Standards of registries, the truth
is, offsets aren't the answer here.

Fundamentally, we can't offset

Our way out climate change.

Even the current ceo of

United airlines knows this.

He's one of the few heads of a

Fossil-fuel-dependent company

Who's actually willing to acknowledge how
inadequate offsets can be.

]] The real challenge we have

Globally is that mankind

Produces 4,000 times as many

Emissions as we did in the

Pre-industrial era.

And most of these carbon offset
projects are about planting trees.

There is not room on the planet

To plant 4,000 times as many
trees.

It simply can't be the answer.

And the problem with it is is

It's the easy solution.

It's the solution that if you're

Sitting in the c-suite, you can

Write a check and check the box

And have a marketing message

That I've offset all my carbon,

But you really haven't done
anything.

]] John: he's right.

That airline ceo is right.

Although it speaks to the
seductive power of offsets that

Even his company can't give them
up.

If you go to the united airlines

Website right now, you'll find a
page where you can offset your

Flight, in front of a picture of

A ****ing forest.

So at least one of those people

Sitting in the c-suite, checking

A box is the ghost of mark
zuckerberg future.

But it's true that there
literally isn't enough space for

Every company to plant trees and

Fulfill their own net zero
pledge.

By one estimate, there's only

About five hundred million
hectares of land left that can

Be dedicated to new forests for
carbon capture.

And shell alone, has proposed

Planting a tenth of that amount.

The bottom line is we have an

Offset system that places

Profits over science, and the

Rules regulating it are far too
lax.

And the reason I know that is,

Remember when, five minutes ago,

I said that I could set up a
carbon registry?

You already knew where this was
heading, right?

You knew, if they had a loophole

Where I could set up a registry,
establish whatever standards I

Want, and start listing
projects, that I was going

Straight through that ****ing
loophole, right?

You knew that was going to
happen.

Well I'm glad to say you were
correct.

We set up oliver's offsets
carbon registry, and I'm

Thrilled to announce an exciting
new project that meets our

Exacting standards.
Please -- come with me.

As you're about to see, we have
trees in the studio now, trees

You can help protect, while also
offsetting your personal carbon footprint.

Now, are any of these trees
under thr*at?

I'm certainly going to tell you
that they are.

Because I'll cut every single
one of these ****ers down.

I'll do it!
Maybe there are birds living in

Here, or whales!
Who knows?

But don't worry -- you can save
them, simply by sending me one dollar!

We're issuing ten thousand

Carbon credits, each of which

Will stop me cutting this tree
down for exactly five minutes.

All you have to do is go to
oliversoffsets.org, pay me a

Dollar, and in return we'll send
you back a card that you can use

As proof that you're now
"carbon neutral."

We're making big claims while

Doing very little, which
honestly, is entirely reflective

Of the system we currently have.

So why not offset your carbon
today?

All proceeds will go to saving
irish whales and dolphins.

And who would have a problem
with that?

Anyway, that's our show,
thank you so much for watching!

[Cheers and applause]

- [Chainsaw whirring]
- good night!

I'll do it!

I'll do it!

Give me money!

I'll do it!

Give me a dollar!

I'll cut this ****ing thing

I'll do it!