02x13 - The Bionic 500

[bunniefuu]

[ Engine revving,
tires screeching ]

Ohh! This new neighbor
has got to go!

Why does he keep racing his car up
and down our street every night?

Ooh! I know this one!
To get to the other side.

[ Engine revving,
tires screech ]

He clearly has no respect
for my beauty sleep.

It takes at least eight hours
to look this good.

Ten, if you want
that Leo glow.

I cannot believe
I have to wake up to this.

I can't believe I have to
wake up to that.

This is Italian silk.

A cheetah wishes
he looked this good.

A cheetah would have the decency
to cover that up with a robe.

[ Revving, tires screech ]

Hey, Pierce!
Get your car off my lawn!

Let's see how he likes my new
high-pressure sprinkler system.

Okay, set to "monsoon."

[ Sprinklers on ]
Ha! He's stuck in the mud!

Not anymore.

The world's first
bionic superhumans...

They're stronger than us...

Faster, smarter.

The next generation
of the human race is...

Living in my basement?!

♪♪

Leo, how'd you get to be first in
line for locker reassignments?

Oh. Since I couldn't
get any sleep,

I've been here since dawn.

Fyi, you do not want to see the
lunch ladies without makeup.

Wait. They wear makeup?

But since I'm first in line,

I'll finally get
the corner locker.

Wait a second. I thought this
was the line for lice check.

There she is: Locker 106.

Away from the traffic,
near the cheerleaders,

and I can see principal Perry
before anyone else...

And a two-second head start
can save a life.

Hmm.

Listen up, weasels!

It's locker reassignment day.

Why, you ask?

A little trick I learned
from my days as a prison guard.

Never let the perps
get comfy!!!

[ Laughing ]

Also, drag your hands through mashed
potatoes to check for weapons.

Mmm! Enjoy your lunch!

All right, dooley,
what locker do you want?

The corner one.

Already taken!

What? By who?

By me.

Clayton harrington.

Well, Clayton harrington...

I know you're new here,
but I was first in line.

Oh, I know. That's why
I offered principal Perry

an all-expense-paid trip
to go wherever she wants.

Staten island cat show,
here I come! Rroww!

But that's not fair.

I know. Isn't injustice
infuriating?

Why do you care so much about
getting the corner locker?

Oh, I don't. But I hate lines,
and harringtons don't wait.

We let our money do the talking.
And right now it's saying...

[Falsetto]: "You don't
have as much as I do."

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Well, dooley, there are
no more lockers left.

So here's a key
to the boiler room.

Just remember to knock first.

My relatives stay there
when they're in town.

Big d, I need an advance
on my allowance.

Sure. What do you need?
Five thousand dollars.

Okay, sure. Would you like that
in imaginary twenties

or imaginary hundreds?

Look, it's a long story,

but there's this new rich kid
at school

who's using his money
to get whatever he wants.

That's a short story, and I
don't see what the problem is.

Anyway, I need a lot of money
to b*at him at his own game.

So what are we working with?
Gold? Silver?

You know what,
just give me your pin code.

Leo, I'm not giving you
any money.

Getting into a silly game of one-upsmanship
with this guy won't solve anything.

It will if I up him.

Look, you'll see
what I mean tonight.

I invited our neighbor Pierce
over to resolve the issue

of his late-night joy rides
in a mature fashion.

Just watch and learn.

Great, a life lesson.

Those are worth
way more than money.

[ Doorbell rings ]
Okay, that's Pierce.

Now watch as I handle this
like an adult.

Okay, but what do you want us
to do when you start crying?

Clayton?
What are you doing here?

Looking good
and smelling great.

Oh, my dad came
to talk to your dad.

Wait. Pierce is your dad? Hmm.

Makes sense: Rich jerk,
rich jerk's son.

[ Sniffs ]

Oh. He does smell good.

Hello? Isn't anyone
going to take my coat?

Heck yeah, I'll take it!

[ Fabric tears ]

It's got a lot of give.

Two coats light wax,
and shampoo the carpets.

And don't touch the radio...
I'm an easy listener.

I'm not washing your car.

Me neither.

But may I take your coat?

Can we move this along?
I got golf in the A.M.,

and I like to show up early

to scream during
other people's swings.

Aaah!

Drives 'em crazy.

Look, I'll get
right to the point.

You have been driving your car
across my lawn at night,

and it needs to stop.
Not gonna happen.

But I will pay you
to stop talking.

What's your price?

Are you trying to pay me off?
I'm a billionaire.

Wow. Just a billionaire.

Must be rough.

Well, if you ever need a loan,
you know where I live.

It's the castle at
the top of the hill

that casts a shadow over
your entire existence.

Well, please.

You do not have
more money than I do.

[Sighs ] That's my net worth.
[ Scoffs ]

Well, not all the zeroes
fit on one screen.

[ Gulps ]

All: Whoa.

[Louder]: Whoa!

[Louder]: Whoa!!!

Oh, yeah? Well, I see one zero
that's not on that screen.

Ha! Take that!

Someone's about to
start crying.

Look, okay.
Enough is enough.

What is it gonna take for you
to stop driving on my lawn?

I can't think of a thing.
Good night.

No... no!

You are not leaving
until we resolve this.

Fine.
How about a contest?

We could settle this
on the racetrack.

My stock car
against yours.

You do own a stock car,
don't you?

[Forced laugh]
Of course...

I own a stock car.

And when I win, you stop
driving your car on my lawn.

Oh, no, no, no. I think we should
play for much bigger stakes...

Like the deeds to
each other's houses.

The winner stays,

the loser... goes.

Deal!

See you on the track.

Or later tonight when I tear up
the rest of your lawn. Heh heh.

Mr. Davenport,
are you sure about this?

Yeah, if you don't win,
we'll lose our house.

Guys, I got this.
Don't worry about it.

I just have one question,
though.

What exactly is
a stock car?

[ All groan ]

Sweet ride, big d.

For a second there
I forgot you weren't cool.

Yeah, a guy with a huge ego

and a sport where they put your
name and face on everything...

It's a perfect match.

Are you sure you're gonna
be able to b*at Pierce?

I mean, you have
no stock car experience,

not to mention you get car sick
going to the store.

Please. Look at this track.

Even Adam can drive
in a circle.

But this is an oval,
and those terrify me.

Driving in a circle gets exponentially
harder at 200 miles per hour.

Plus, no bathroom breaks.

You're gonna need this.

Guys, don't worry
about this.

I have spent hundreds of hours
training in a stock car simulator,

I hired the best pit crew
in town... I got this.

Well, Davenport,

we just wanted to
wish you luck.

You'll need it
against our driver.

[ Both chortling ]
Driver?

Yeah. I said we'd race; I never
said I'd be the one driving.

Joey.

That's your driver?

When does he get
his learner's permit?

Uh-oh. I've seen
that guy before.

That's Joey logano.

He's been racing
since he was six!

He's the youngest Nascar driver
to win on the pro circuit...

Ever.

Oh.

We're gonna need
a bigger bucket.

[Echo-y] Hello!

Really?

I can't believe big d has to
race against Joey logano.

Guys, I can win this.

You forget: I hired the best
pit crew in town.

Right... pit guy number one?

Yeah. Nothing motivates a team

like a boss that
doesn't know your name.

Whatever.

Look, I'm ready.
Bring on the checkered flag.

Morning, grease monkeys.

I take that back.

Principal Perry?
What are you doing here?

Workin'. I moonlight as an
announcer-slash-flag waver-

slash-hot rod calendar girl.

Ooooh!

No one sells lug nuts like me!

Ahem.

Principal Perry,

don't all of these
side jobs you have

take away your focus from
being a school principal?

Oh ho! Absolutely!

Now let's go over some rules.

Hey, logano. Rich guy.

Get your sassy chassis over here
and let's talk some track.

In each of my precious paws
is the deed to your house,

which makes your bet
a square deal.

It's 200 laps around, whoever
crosses the finish line first wins.

Well,
good luck out there.

Thanks.
I'll do my best.

[ Engines revving ]

When I drop this flag,
you guys burn rubber!

Oh, and by the way,
this came off one of your cars.

I don't know what it does,
but it doesn't matter now!

[ Revs engine ]

[ Blows raspberry ]

[ Revs engine ]

Good luck!

Hands at ten and two... check.

Mirrors adjusted... check.

Oh, he's gonna already.

[ Gears grind ]

This is very different
from my simulator.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

[ Gears grind ]

[ Tires screech ]

You're doing great,
Mr. Davenport.

Really?

No. You're


Please tell him he doesn't have
to wave every time he passes us.

So, where are you guys
thinking about moving?

Well, my gut says Cleveland, but
I'm an Indiana man at heart.

We're not gonna lose,
Clayton.

Keep telling yourself that,
junior.

I'm the same age as you.

Your wallet's not.

That doesn't make any sense.

My wallet makes sense.

It talks to me all the time,
and right now it's saying,

"can I have Leo's bedroom?"

Yes, you can!

Oh, yeah?
Well, just for the record,

your wallet and your money
have the same voice!

[ Revving engine ]

I can't believe
I'm losing so badly.

You do know that
stepping the gas pedal

makes it go faster, right?

There must be something
wrong with the car.

Okay, let's be smart about this
and eliminate variables.

First of all, are we sure
the car is not in reverse?

Wait. It's been
almost a minute.

Shouldn't your pit crew
be done by now?

Yeah, and where's
your crew chief?

[ No audible dialogue ]

What is he doing
down there?

[ Super-hearing powers up ]

Pierce:
This is going great.

Whatever you did
to slow down Davenport's car

really worked.

Pierce is cheating.

He paid your pit crew
to sabotage your car.

I knew it.

You guys are fired.

Get out of here, Ken!

"Ken." that was it! Uhh!

Probably shoulda waited
until they put those back on.

Wait. Mr. Davenport,

what if we replaced
your pit crew

with a bionic pit crew?

Or we could start rooting
for Joey logano.

Hey, just throwing out
options.

Hold on. Isn't using bionics
technically cheating?

Look, they cheated first.

Technically, I'm just
leveling the playing field.

Okay. I'll tap into the
car's central computer

and optimize it for
peak performance.

You use your super-speed to change
these tires and to gas it up.

And Adam...
Can do this.

Pretty cool, huh?

[ Hissing ]

Ow! Hot radiator!
Hot radiator!

Ow! Hot hot hot hot hot!

Hot hot hot!

With 50 laps to go,
logano's lead is shrinking!

Davenport is actually
catching up!

And don't forget,
your lug nut calendars

are available at
the concession stand.

Keep an eye out for April...
I'm wearin' tires!

Great job, chase!
This car is flying now!

Joey! What's going on?

How is this clown
catching up?

I don't know.
He sped up out of nowhere.

Okay, we need to change the tires
in under ten seconds, or...

Hmm. Done.

[ Tires screech ]

This is incredible.
Davenport has evened it up!

I'm almost beginning
to care who wins!

What are you doing?!

I sabotaged
Davenport's car

and you still
haven't put him away?!

Wait. You've been
cheating the whole time?

Yeah. And apparently
not enough!

[ Engine off ]

I don't drive for cheaters,
jerks, or spoiled rich guys...

Check, check, and check.

W-where you going?

You can't leave!
Just did!

Dad, we're losing!
Harringtons don't lose!

I know, I'm a harrington!

I'll just have to
finish off Davenport myself.

Son, can you go ask him
for the keys?

So, it looks like my afternoon just
freed up. You guys need any help?

All: Uh...

Please say yes. I want to
hide from that flag lady.

Perry: Yoo-hoo!

Hey, Joey! Wanna go halfsies
on a hoagie?

Two laps to go
in the rich jerk 500.

Davenport and Pierce are neck
and neck... it's anybody's race.

And I think we're all wondering
the same question:

Is there a Mrs. Logano?

Davenport, you're doing great.

Just please stop saying "vroom
vroom" every time you make a turn.

Gotcha.

I can't believe this.
I think I'm gonna win.

I'm gonna win!

Aaah!

Ha! That was stupid!
I've got him now!

Ha ha ha! Ha ha!

[ Tires screech ]

You do know
it pops back on, right?

I knew that.

What is Mr. Davenport doing?

Why is he slowing down?
He's gonna lose!

No. He's obviously giving up.
It's the honorable thing to do.

No, he's just drafting.

It's something I learned
from my racing simulator.

I'm reducing my wind resistance
by hiding behind Pierce's car,

and then I'm gonna slingshot
past him in the straightaway.

On my controller
it's red-red-green-up arrow,

but I'm pretty sure
I can make it work.

Ha ha!

What the...

Aaah!

Vroom vroom!

Sorry, Joey.

Ah, it's all right.
We all do it.

Aaah!

And Davenport crosses
the finish line!

[ All cheering ]
Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Ha ha ha ha!

Yeah!

Aaah!

Arggh!

[ Cheering ]

Great job, guys.

Now it's time for
the real race...

Getting away from
that flag lady.

You forgot your calendars!!!

Whoo! Yeah!

Whoo whoo whoo whoo...

Ohhh!

[ Cheering ]

Man, nice work, Mr. Davenport!

You totally showed those guys
who's boss.

Yes... yes, I did.

But it's important to remember:

Always win with dignity.

Ha! I b*at you!

I b*at you!

♪ I b*at you!
I b*at you! ♪

Hey, need the number for a
moving company? I own one!

♪ b*at you, b*at you... ♪

Well, Clayton,

looks like the corner locker
is all mine.

I'm still richer than you.

And ya know what that
got you today?

Nothing.

Huh. Yeah, well,
your wallet's nothing.

Oh, it's something.

And right now it's saying,

"please have my locker
cleaned out by 7 A.M."

Uhh!

Yeah!

Hello, beautiful.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was
talking about my locker.

So, how does it feel having
the best locker in school?

Oh, I'm not the only one
with a good locker.

I got primo upgrades
for you three, too.

Any locker you want
until we graduate.

No way! I get that locker
for six more years?

Maybe more.
Ahh!

How'd you pull that off,
Leo?

I don't know. Principal Perry
is just in a really good mood.

Hey, dooley.

Where'd you get that?

Joey logano left
his racing suit behind,

and I customized it
in all the right places.

And some of the wrong ones.

♪♪

[ Boing ]

♪♪ [Guitar]
Yes!