02x03 - Tortoises and Labradors

[bunniefuu]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[SHRED] Our shift ends in five minutes.

I think I'm gonna order
Pad Thai for dinner.

Don't do it, you'll jinx us.

You order food, we'll get another call.

You're young and proud and think
that you can thwart fate, right?

- But you can't.
- Nah, I'm too hungry.

Complete my order with spring rolls?

I'd be a fool not to.

Just wait. We're a mile
away from the precinct.

Send.

And the world didn't end.

[DISPATCH] Truck 12, please respond.

A neighbor reported an
unattended barking dog.



- Okay, I'm really sorry...
- Ah-ah-ah-ah,

let's just enjoy this beautiful,
horrible moment of me being right.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[WOMAN] Hey, guys. Come on in.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

It's a little late for
a children's party.

Oh, it is not that.
This is something else.

It's a furry party.

[BARKING]

- Hey, can I help you?
- Oh, goodness, I certainly hope not.

Are you the pony in charge?

- Yeah.
- We got a dog complaint.

- Hey, man, I just got here.
- Uh, the one not in leather.

- [BARKING]
- Yeah, that's Dexter.

I had to put him outside,
he was humping everyone.

Yeah, I can see how that could
create a weird sexual energy.

- Yeah.
- Oh!

Sir, please don't make
me put you in a crate.

He's gonna put me in a crate!

- [CHEERING]
- Yeah!

- [CHANTING] Crate! Crate! Crate!
- This is getting away from us.

Alright, here's what we're gonna do.

Chipmunk.

- [BARKING]
- Sorry, squirrel by the window.

[CONTINUOUS BARKING]

Can you move to another room?

[BARKING]

We did it. We solved this problem.

This is why we get up in the morning.

You're on duty. Let's go.

[UPBEAT THEME MUSIC]

♪

♪

♪

Another gift from your secret admirer?

Yeah, it's my third one this month.

It's getting serious. What is all that?

There's a card and then
there's a bunch of Hokey Pokey

- and Jaffas and Pineapple Zobs.
- Oh! And what is all that?

- Candy... from New Zealand.
- Oh.

It's a really lovely basket.

I know, right? It's kind of exciting.

I mean, the gifts are
generous and specific

and it hasn't tipped over
into stalker territory...

That's a tough balance for a creeper.

Unless it's a prank.

No, if it was a prank, that candy
would be full of ketamine

and you'd fail a city drug test.

Like I don't have fresh
stranger urine in my car.

Officer Dudge approaching.

Greetings from your big
brothers at Precinct 2-3.

Templeton, how is it
that you're always here?

- All the time.
- Do you know where your precinct is?

- You didn't tell them?
- I'm just gonna rip the Band-Aid off.

Templeton needs someone
to ride with him today.

- [ALL] No!
- Oh, no.

- No, no, no, no.
- Hey, a little compassion.

Half my precinct is off
with food poisoning, okay?

Yes, we had a little party
for Doug last night.

We had a raw bar, and
it went room temp on us.

Emily, how do they have
a budget for a raw bar?

I don't know that. Um,
so who's gonna do it?

Who's gonna ride with Templeton?

I can offer an extra vacation day.

How about two? Two days. Any takers?

- I'll keep going...
- Stop... I will be in the truck.

Okay.

Okay, somebody has to take
a b*llet for this precinct,

so you need to figure it out.

How about a rock, paper,
scissors tournament,

but loser advances?

I like that.

I'm only throwing scissors. Or am I?

- You throw scissors every time.
- Yeah, we know that, dude.

- Every time.
- Yeah, but will I again?

- We're saying you will.
- You will.

Okay, I'm gonna make this simple.

I need Victoria with me
here to do paperwork,

so that means, Patel, you are
gonna ride with Templeton.

- Thank you so much.
- Wait, what?

No! That is so autocratic.
I appeal! I appeal!

I appeal oysters, I appeal
Templeton, all of this!

I did a day with Templeton once.

Three words: Swedish death metal.

The only thing worse
than his personality

is his taste in music.

[DISPATCH] Truck 12, please respond.

Report of a large tortoise
at a narcotics seizure.

Seattle PD requesting assistance.



Crap. That's my brother's precinct.

- You think he'll be there?
- Oh, God hates me, so yes.

Which one is it, Paddy, Sean, or Colin?

It's Patrick, nobody calls him Paddy.

Except for our priest and they
don't speak since the fist fight.

How's he doing since the divorce?

Wait, do I know about that?
Should I not say anything?

You know what? Just don't talk at all.

He's always looking for ways to mock me

and your whole deal would
prove quite irresistible.

[DISPATCH] Truck 12, please respond.

Truck 12 is on it and a little giddy.

I finally get to meet your family.

[DEATH METAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[TURNS MUSIC OFF]

- I can't. I just can't.
- Gosh.

This day's gonna be a delight.

I can't believe they stuck me with you.

Oh, so we're just saying
things out loud now?

'Cause I am not wild about you, either.

I got beef.

From when they paired
us at the spring picnic.

Oh, is this about the three-legged race?

That was a year ago!

Last place. It was like
dragging a corpse.

You gotta take shorter strides!

- I kept telling you!
- Hey. Hey, look at this guy.

He's walking a dog on the beach

right by the sign that says
"No walking dogs on the beach."

I think he's just looking
out at the ocean.

- You don't get it, do you?
- Mmm-mmm.

Give these sons of b*tches
an inch, they take a mile.

What?

Excuse me, sir. Did you not
see the sign right there?

Oh, we got one in the sand. Let's roll!

I'm not rolling.

Sir! Excuse me, sir! Sir!

- Hey, I finished my reports.
- Hey.

There wasn't actually much to do.

That's 'cause it was a ruse.

I thought we could spend the day

solving the mystery of who
your secret admirer is.

Oh, I love you!
Okay, first a confession.

I didn't actually finish my reports.

That's fine.

Do you listen to Loose Railing,
the true crime podcast?

- Because I'm obsessed.
- Did the railing do it?

I'm not gonna spoil it for you,
but they did solve the crime

by going to the store where the
k*ller got the deer rendering Kn*fe.

Oh, God, that sounds gruesome.

It is the best. Anyways,
I thought to myself,

I wonder who sells tasty little
New Zealand treats nearby.

Auckland Goodies in Spokane.

I did a lot of research
and I came up with,

yeah, the exact same thing. Let's call.

This is what they call
an "ice cold call".

[RINGING]

_

Hi. Um, we received a delightful
basket of your native candies.

_

Oh-uh, and we were wondering

if you could tell us who bought them.

_

He's saying he can't tell us.

But I just want to be
able to thank them.

You understand.

_

_

- What?
- It's an unwritten condition of the sale.

Policy of the store.

_

I'm so sorry, I'm actually...
I'm catching very little.

He's bound by the ethics of...

- Ethic...
- Ethics.

- He's bound by the ethics of his trade.
- Ethics... Oh.

He can't help us.
Thanks heaps for your help,

- see ya.
- Thank you.

- That was a dead end.
- No, 'cause dead ends

are just when you turn the car around.

Loose Railing Season 3,
the car chase episode.

Sorry, can you understand
me when I talk?

What?

[LAUGHS]

Here he is, boys. Pack it up.

I said "boys" meaning everybody.

Don't get on my back, Cheryl.

How're you doing, Frank?

- Not bad, yourself?
- Good.

Colleen and I are sorting out
the custody stuff, but, uh...

you still alone?

It depends. Is Colleen looking?

Wow, Frank told me
you guys play for keeps.

I'm Shred, the partner.

What happened to Rick?

He's been gone for like three years.

Have you not told him about me?

Where's the turtle? Or did
Colleen run off with him, too?

Oh, you've gotten real cocky
since your growth spurt.

What a majestic creature.

I wonder if he knows his
owner was just busted

for selling bricks of heroine.

He's a 100-year-old tortoise.
He's seen crazy stuff.

And they put him in front of this TV

and that is way too much screen time.

It's a Galapagos. They're endangered.

Well, then how'd he get here?

Transported by a child's wish?

No, Shred, he was smuggled here.

They're not allowed in this country.

Okay, I don't know when you're
being serious sometimes.

How're we gonna get him outta here?

He's like 300 pounds.
Should we get Paddy to help?

He was a UCLA rower.

You need to stop Googling my family.

We don't need him. Go get the straps.

[SLOW CLAP]

Seattle's finest, folks.

Somewhere in heaven, Mom is
embarrassed as hell for you.

That's good stuff.

You know it was your
divorce that k*lled her.

Keep it moving.

I wanna get out on that sick burn.

I don't wanna freak the tortoise out,

he's not used to high speeds.

[TORTOISE GROANS]

[TEMPLETON] You didn't
even get out of the truck.

What the hell kind of partner are you?

A temporary one? The kind
who's here against his will?

Listen, are you hungry?
'Cause I could eat.

Maybe. There's a little spicy
chicken place up the street.

- Katie's Hot Chicken?
- You know it?

Know it? I'm the reason
there's a warning on the menu.

Huh. Let's go.

[DEATH METAL MUSIC PLAYS]

_

[SHRED] Come on, sir. You can do it.

Sorry, he's taking his time.

- He's very old.
- We're all set up for him.

We just moved the Bengal tiger cub.

What? You have a Bengal tiger?

- Yep.
- Those are also illegal to own.

But I don't have to
point that out to you

since we're both animal people.

- Where'd you get him?
- That I don't know.

Who here would know?

That I also don't know.

You're really setting the
world on fire, aren't you?

Look, I spend most of my
days trying not to get bit.

And here he is, the guest of honor.

In his defense, I would
not be rushing to move

from a mansion into a refuge.

I wanna send this to my mom.

- What's the wifi password?
- That I don't know, either.

That was weird, right?

That guy totally clammed up

when I started asking about the tiger.

Who doesn't wanna talk about tigers?

- Tigers are awesome.
- I don't know.

He just seemed a little overwhelmed.

Plus, he's not in a great
place professionally.

Think about it. Two illegal
animals in one morning?

Something's off.

Maybe we should go back
there and get some answers.

Do a little good cop, dumb cop.

Okay. I love when you get
all excited about something

and start walking the edge,

but maybe just let the
real cops handle it?

No. The cops are useless.
They're probably in on it.

What, you mean like a Russian
nesting doll of corruption?

Exactly. And it's our jobs

to find the tiny little criminal
babushka at the centre.

[EMILY] There's been a development.

I've got something.

- [VICTORIA] Whatcha got?
- A clue. The note.

I don't know why
I didn't go there earlier.

Look at the cursive "t".
There is a real flourish to it.

Oh, wow, yeah. That is a fancy "t".

It's almost erotic.

Who is this mystery man or woman?

I don't know, but I think we find
out who writes with a sexy "t",

we find our admirer.

Which is why I have this.

A get well card.

Exactly. We start our
search in the precinct,

get everybody to sign it.

Oh, yes. That is so good.

Oh, my gosh! Okay, so, um,
who do we say that it's for?

Maybe... uh, Rachel in dispatch?

No, I think she's already in remission.

- Ah, dammit.
- Yeah, I think we missed our window,

which is great.

- It's a good thing.
- Yeah, glad that she's better.

Let's keep thinking, though.

Victoria never lets me eat here.

She says my vinegar breath
stinks up the truck.

If your car doesn't stink
at the end of your shift,

have you really done your job?

- [PHONE RINGING]
- That's exactly right.

Hi, honey.

I've gotta pick her up from dance?

That's all the way across
town during rush hour.

- [WHISPERS] Busy.
- No, no.

I do not think it's easy
being on bed rest

and watching me do
everything. Literally.

No, no, baby, I was just...
that was a joke.

Mmhmm. Yeah. Just text me
and I'll pick up dinner.

Okay. Love you, bye.

Anything for you, my lady.

- Sorry.
- Oh, don't be sorry.

I'm actually kinda jealous
of what you have.

Oh, yeah? Which part exactly?

Ah, you know, going home
to someone. Kids.

Why don't you have a family?

Personal.

- A little personal.
- Sorry, I thought we were bonding.

I thought I'd use this as an opportunity

to find some actual humanity in you,

but, you know, it's fine,
maybe there's nothing there.

I had a brutal divorce.

My wife cheated on me with my cousin.

Now they have two kids who are
my first cousins once removed.

Sec-second cousins.

- I don't know. They're something.
- Wow.

Are you kidding me right now?

- Ma'am! Ma'am!
- [WOMAN] Yeah?

Yeah, you can't run with
your dog on the beach.

Oh, yeah, no, I know, but
this is a medical service dog.

I need to see your license.

- Sorry, I forgot it.
- Oh, you did.

Uh, excuse me...

Uh, oh. Seriously? Okay. Alright.

- You're gonna go run?
- You're not coming?

- No. No, I'm not coming.
- I just told you about my divorce.

You can't play the divorce card!

I hear them every summer
at the lake house.

I'm haunted by the sounds
of my cousin's love making.

Ma'am! Ma'am!

Can you please...

These boots are not
fun to run in, ma'am.

And how do we know that it's not her?

She just tells me everything she does.

Uh, Bettany, um, we need your help.

- [WHISPERS] Anything.
- We need you to go home sick.

We want everyone to sign
a get well card for you.

Okay, you got it.

That's it? No follow up questions?

Oh, you want me to throw
up in a wastebasket

- or something to sell it?
- No. No...

- I can...
- It feels necessary.

- No, don't.
- Please don't. Please don't.

You can just go home.

- Alright, I'm out.
- Okay.

- Great.
- Okay. See ya.

Hey. I talked to the other precincts.

There have been seven
illegal animals confiscated

in the last three months.

An ocelot in Ballard,
a Tonkin monkey in Magnolia,

and a javelina at Rainier Beach.

We have stumbled onto something big.

Also, I'm aware that the
yarn forms a pentagram,

which I think is unintentional.

- I think.
- Okay. I love this.

But I do wonder if maybe
you're going a little crazy

based on not a lot of evidence.

I'll have the evidence once
I get the background checks

on the owners of these addresses,

which means I have to ask my
brother, Patrick, for a favor.

In a perfect world,
I would blackmail him for it,

but we don't live in a perfect world.

Patrick? A second chance
to make a first impression.

Hey, everyone.

Um, so Bettany had to go home sick

and we are getting
everyone in the office

to sign this get well card for her.

- Shred?
- Oh, yeah.

- She's ill.
- Oh, she is so...

- Big serious. Seriously ill.
- Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, no.

No? Sorry, is that not
how you spell Pedialite?

- Frank?
- Who's Bethany?

Bettany. The receptionist.

I hardly know her. It'd be insincere.

It's not a legally
binding get well card,

just sign it, you crotchety loner.

Okay.

"Get well, besties
for life. Frank Shaw."

Okay.

No.

Oh, and for the record,

I had walking pneumonia last year

and you guys didn't do crap.

Stop! Stop!

Okay, when we... when we tell you...

There's a... there's a sign!

We are... in uniform.

I ate so much chicken, man.

The license is back at my place.
What do you wanna do?

Do you wanna wait here
and I'll go get it?

We'll wait at Animal
Control Precinct 22.

And when you show me the license,

- you get the dog back.
- You're kidding.

- Oh, man, I don't feel good.
- Okay. Come on.

- Wait, what?
- Hey, you can't take my dog!

What?

I can't believe you took her dog.

We have to send a message.

You can't just say your
pet's a service dog,

look at this ragamuffin.

That's no hero.

- What happened to you?
- [THUD]

Hey, did you hear that?
Oh, are you okay?

I just got really lightheaded.

Um... what?

Look at this. That's not normal.

That's better.

I'm a diabetic. Usually
my watch warns me.

Diabetic?

Hey. He's got a blanket, too.

What? Where did that even come from?

This guy must be a medical service dog.

- Oh, you're in big trouble.
- We. We're partners.

No, no, no. You. I wanted
to stay in the truck

and eat hot chicken.

So how is the other one?

What's up?

Dad, I didn't expect you to be here.

It's Tony's. Cops get


Want me to order you something?
One of your cheeseburgers

without the cheese?
He's lactose intolerant.

I'm not intolerant,
I just don't like it melted.

A cheeseburger without the cheese
is a hamburger, numb nuts.

This guy, always with
the special orders.

Hey, just shut it, you two.

I heard you collared a perp turtle.

A grateful nation thanks
you for your service.

- [LAUGHING]
- Holy crap.

It's Papa Bear.

I told you to wait in the truck.

- Who's this?
- I'm Shred, sir.

- The partner.
- What happened to Rick?

Have you told no one in
your family about me?

Look, I need a favor.

Run a background check for me

and I promise I'll be
a character witness

- at your next custody hearing.
- Okay.

I'm just gonna need the
full name of the kangaroo.

[LAUGHING]

It's Stephen Peter Flaherty.

Don't! Don't even.

Don't mention Father Flaherty.

Oh, well, for me it was
the best confirmation ever.

Enough! I'm trying to eat
my frickin' cheeseburger

and I got the knucklehead
choir going here.

Wow, it's like I'm at
your kitchen table.

Just run the names, Magnum.

You're not a cop anymore.

Stop acting like it.

Dad, how about you?
You still got some pull, right?

I can't do it.

Well, actually that's not true.

- I won't do it.
- Dad, I wanna thank you

for being a withholding
black hole of negativity.

- Patrick.
- Hmm?

Everybody knows you lost your
g*n at a Starbucks last year.

- [PATRONS GASP]
- That's not true. That's not true.

Not true!

You know what, screw those guys.

I can bring this ring down on my own.

All I need is some
surveillance equipment.

A drone, a ghillie suit for
the woods, pulse grenades,

- C-4 expl*sives...
- Yeah. Yep, totally.

Um, hey, but just to circle back.

You may be seeing
something that's not there.

Oh, it's there. My senses are sharpened.

- [HORN HONKS]
- Oh, I blew a stop sign. Oops.

Okay, yeah. But, um, I... I have
a theory if you're interested.

Well, your last theory was that all gum

was the same flavor, so no.

Okay, well, is it possible there
isn't some small part of you

that wants to prove to them
that you're a real Shaw.

A real cop. Like your cousin Denny.

May he rest in peace.

I regret ever telling you
anything about my family,

and Denny did not go
down in a line of duty.

It was autoerotic asphyxiation.

[SIGHS]

I really thought the card
thing was gonna work.

This is just not cracking
like it does on Loose Railing.

- I feel bummed.
- Hmm.

Which is weird for me.

Like, am I looking for romance?
Or something special?

[FAKE VOMITS]

- Are you?
- I don't know! Am I?

I don't know.

I'm not ready to give up just yet.

- Okay.
- Do you wanna get a drink

and brainstorm?

Definitely.

Um, actually I have a... I have
a little confession to make.

Oh, God, it's not you, is it?

No.

- No?
- But...

- "Oh, God"? Really?
- I'm so sorry.

No. I was gonna say I kinda
kept you here at the office

'cause I feel like we haven't
been hanging out as much.

- Like, since Rick I just...
- Awe.

That's so cute. I love hanging out.

Are you giving up

on whatever weird little Frank
project you've got going on?

Yeah. As they say, it was stupid.

Most things involving yarn usually are.

- What happened?
- I got myself worked up over nothing...

again.

Like when I thought Shred was in Nexium.

- [GIGGLES]
- Whatever.

How's your get well card scam?

I should have figured that
you'd see right through that.

Which means I'm smart enough
to hide my real handwriting.

Oh, no...

Do you really think I would
do something as obvious

as send you New Zealand snacks?

- I don't know.
- I think I know you

- a little better than that.
- Okay.

- Creeper.
- Creeper?

- Time to face the music.
- Oh, God.

Or we could tie the dog
up and just leave a note.

Yes. That's more courageous.

'Cause this is awkward for her, too.

- Yes. Okay.
- Right? I got a note here.

"Apologies, Officers Templeton
Dudge and Amit Patel." Here.

- No, don't put my name on it.
- It's already on it.

- Did you put my name on it?
- Let's go.

- [RINGS DOORBELL]
- Hurry up. Go, go!

Ooh, ooh, my hamstring, my hamstring.

It's seized up! It's seized up!

- Hey, I got you.
- Okay.

[TEMPLETON] Put your foot
on my foot. Follow me.

- Inside first.
- Okay.

- [BARKING]
- Inside... Now go.

Now, go! I knew you had another gear.

Where was this at the picnic?

Hey! Over here in the shadows!

Refuge guy?

- Damn.
- Why are you hiding in the dark?

It's a great hiding spot. Well, it was.

Anyway, there's a Komodo
dragon coming in.

- When?
- They don't tell me anything!

But you are onto something.

I'll sneak up on you later.

- Dammit!
- Thanks, refuge guy!

It's Terry, man!

I don't have much to go on.

That's more than enough for me.

Oh, do you want a ride?

[TERRY] No, thanks, I Ubered.

This guy's gonna buy all my laser discs,

but he's gonna pay me in... in crypto.

Freeze!

I'm just kidding.

Uh, mind if I join you?

- Who are you?
- Classic.

- It's Shred.
- Shred?

- Not Rick?
- Not Rick.

Frank's got a birthday coming up,

I'm thinking a little
karaoke-themed party,

so if you have a favorite song,

I want to give you time
to work on your routines.

Frank's got a birthday coming up?

Wait, you're asking me?

Wow. So much darker than I realized.

Anyway, perfect world,

I see all four of us doing
a little YMCA, right?

Who's gonna be the cop? Not me.

Everything else is on the table.

Yeah, um, hey, look.
You are a really nice kid.

- Thank you.
- So I'm gonna give you 10 seconds

to get out.

- Nine.
- What?

Eight. Seven. Six.

- We haven't decided yet what we're doing.
- Five.

- You already know what you're doing.
- Four.

- Go.
- Three. Two. One.

Paradise by the Dashboard Light.

- What?
- You and me.