01x06 - Lopez vs Christmas

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat saxophone music]

- It's your dad's
first Christmas with us.

How's it feel?

- I'm just happy we get
to spend Nochebuena

with both my parents.

We'll eat and dance,
open presents at midnight.

- Are we still gonna do
the Lopez family tradition

of dressing up and singing
"Mi Burrito Sabanero"?

♪ Because I've been
rehearsing all week ♪

- Definitely.

My dad always loved
playing the burro.

- Wait, but I play the kid
who rides the burro.

Does that mean
I have to ride your dad?

- No, you'll still be
riding my mom.

- Yes!

- We're here.

- Can you let me talk?

We're here.

- We went to Olive Garden,

and we brought back
unlimited salad.

You should eat it
within the hour

before it turns to soup.

- Were you guys on a date?

- Ew! As if.

We went to talk
about Christmas.

- We were just talking
about how nice it is

that we're all
gonna be together.

- Aww, yeah.

We're not doing that.

- What?

- Yeah, we decided to split it.

I get Nochebuena
and Christmas morning.

- And I get to go
to Oscar's house

and eat pizza, watch the game,

and then take a trip
to the North Pole.

That's a strip club
in Van Nuys.

I'ma make it rain, dear.

- But I thought
you two were getting along.

You just went to lunch.

- Yeah, we can get
through one meal

as long as there's
no appetizers,

no dessert, and your dad
hides in the bathroom

until I pay the bill.

- And that's why
we're not gonna

be together on Nochebuena.

Hell, why wait?

Let's start now.

Bye, bruja.

- Bye, borracho.

- I'm sorry.

I know you wanted
to spend Christmas

with both your parents.

- Oh, we're spending
Christmas together,

even if I have to drag the joy
out of them by force.

- ♪ That sounds horrible ♪

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

- All right, how do we
celebrate Christmas?

The North Pole shut down.

We could go
to Jiggle All the Way.

- Or you can stay here with
your favorite boob, Quinten.

- You gotta stay, George.

I am making traditional
Mexican tamales just for you.

I have a secret ingredient.

- Is it molly?

- No, it's jalapeños.

[chuckles]

- That's not a secret.

Everyone knows
what jalapeños are.

- Rosie and I
made an agreement,

and unlike our marriage,
I'm gonna honor it.

I'll be gone
for her favorite holiday,

and she'll be gone for mine.

- Which one?

- Cinco de Mayo.

I mad dog every gringo
in a sombrero

until they buy me a drink.

God bless white guilt.

- So what if I get Mom
to change her mind?

Would you stay for Christmas
for me,

your one and only daughter
that we know of?

- No, I can't handle
your mom on Christmas.

She goes overboard
with the decorations.

She crowns herself
La Reina de Navidad.

She invites more Cubans
than are in Cuba.

- But if I get her to tone it
down, you'll come, right?

- Sure, Mayan.

It'll be a Christmas miracle

if you get anywhere
with that loca.

- Oh, I'm a loca?

Do I look like a locato you?

- This sounds like underwear.

- Chance, Christmas isn't
just about getting presents.

- Does Nana know that?
'Cause don't tell her.

- See?
He doesn't understand

what the true meaning
of Christmas is.

That's why I came over here.

We need to spend Christmas
as a family.

- We are doing that.

- With Dad.
- I'm out.

He's just gonna ruin everything

by passing out on the couch
way before midnight.

We'll be carrying him
up the stairs, singing,

♪ Joy to the world,
the drunk is done ♪

- This year will be different.

- How?

- Because Dad's already agreed

not to drink on Nochebuena.

- He has?
- He has?

- He has.

- Well, I guess
if your father's agreed

to stop drinking,
I can give up a little too.

I don't want him to win.

- Great, so we're gonna
keep it small--

just us.

- But it's not
a Latino Christmas

unless there's at least
ten family members.

I even invited the garbage man.

Now he's gonna think I'm trash.

- And just one Christmas tree.

- One is for Santa,

and one is for Jesus.

It's his birthday.

Oh, should I throw away
the cake

that I made for him too?

[upbeat saxophone music]

- "Feliz Navi-Dad."

You don't have to prove
you're a dork, bro.

We already know.

- Tamales are messy,

and I don't want to get stains
on my sweater.

- I got you premium masa
for your tamales

from a guy
known as the Masa Man.

He'll only meet in the alley
behind Big Lots,

like they did
in the old country.

- He sells another kind of masa

that'll light up your nose
like Rudolph.

- This is gonna be fun
because I found

a great recipe
for traditional Mexican tamales

by the Barefoot Contessa.

She adds walnuts.

- When you cook,
you gotta cook with passion--

tears, sweat, unspoken desire.

- That sounds like
a health code violation.

- Haven't you seen
the classic 1992 film,

"Like Water for Chocolate"?

The secret to great masa
is mas amor.

- Okay, you want to help me
make these tamales?

Auténtico?

- Fine, but I gotta warn you.

You're not gonna want
to wear that sweater

on Nochebuena, because...

[whispering] It's gonna get
real steamy in here.

[normally]
We need to steam the tamales

for approximately 35 minutes,
so...

- There's something wrong
with this beer.

Try it. Ugh.

- Mm.

Just as good as beer
that contains alcohol.

- Oh!

Is this fake beer?

"Nodelo."

- I just thought
you might want to try

being sober for Nochebuena

so you can stay up
till midnight.

Won't that be a nice
Christmas memory for Chance?

- Oh, man,
Christmas without beer

is like Easter without beer.

- Please, Dad?

We can celebrate
just like we used to.

You can consider it
your Christmas gift to me.

- Well, since I got you nothing
and I can't return it

'cause I didn't keep
the receipt,

I guess I could go
one day without beer.

- Or wine, hard liquor,
or mouthwash.

♪ ♪

It'sNochebuena, gordo.

Time to light the tree.

You want to turn it on?

- Let's get lit.

Oh, wow.

- Oh, no.

That tree is barely dressed.

Well, don't worry.
I brought more ornaments.

- Mom, you agreed
to take it down a notch.

- I am.

I only went to one
of my storage lockers.

- Hi, my name is George,
and I've been sober

for 45 minutes.

Wow, the tree looks great.

Where's my--
where's my ornament,

the one with Santa being
pulled by the cholo Chihuahuas?

On, Sad Girl. On, Creeper.

On, Puppet. On, Dreamer.

- I threw those out years ago.
It clashed.

- Clashed with what?
- Taste.

- I'll give you something
that you could ta--

- Okay, how about we do

everyone's favorite tradition,

"Mi Burrito Sabanero"?

Quinten!

- Is it time to ride?

Saddle up, Rosie.

It is a long way to Bethlehem.

- But wait, wait, wait, I--
I'm the burro.

- Well, you wandered off
the barn ten years ago.

A lot has changed.
I am the burro now.

- This is how
we always do it, Grandpa.

- Oh, but don't worry, Dad.

There's plenty
of other good parts.

- Not really.
- Not helping.

- It's all good.
I'll be Mary's nosy neighbor.

The one that has seen so much

that she knows
she ain't a virgin.

So...

you guys get started.

I'll go get some binoculars.

- Remember that year
Nana farted in Dad's face?

- [laughs] I was a burro.

I was in character.

- Here we go.
- [laughs]

- Here we go. Here we go.

Jumping in, and we're in.

[laughter]

- You're getting too excited,
Quinten.

- I think she did it again.
She did it again.

Oh, Rosie.

[laughter]

- Okay, time to sing.

all: ♪ Con mi burrito
sabanero ♪

[all singing in Spanish]

♪ ♪

[melodramatic music]

♪ ♪

- It's my first time...

chopping onions.

♪ ♪

- [gasps]

All the blood
is rushing to my...

taste buds.

[gasps]

What are you--oh.

- Some people prefer
their masa thin.

But I prefer mine thick.

Something to grab onto.

[fire alarm blaring]

- Turn on a fan!
- Open the back door.

- [screams]

[upbeat saxophone music]

- What the hell?

I was only gone an hour.

- I know.
I really could have used two.

- And is that a new crown?

- Oh, it's not my fault
that the wreath on the door

is the size of my head.

- Oh, God.

Help me take this stuff down
before Dad sees.

- Too late.

I see.

And Mary's nosy neighbor
has a secret.

- Dad, we did the song
an hour ago.

You missed it.

- Oh, did I?

And what are you
looking at, fool?

Sitting high on that shelf
like you're better than me.

- Oh, my God, he's drunk.

- I told you
he couldn't stay sober.

He has a problem.

- You're the one
that has a problem,

making this holiday
all about you.

The Ghost of Christmas Crazy.

- Okay. Everyone calm down.

- Yeah, tell that
to Old Saint d*ck.

- Cállate,Frosty With No Men.

- Hey, stop it.

We are not fighting
on Christmas.

- You know what?
This is all your fault.

- What?
- Yeah.

Don't act so innocent,
Virgin Mary.

- Your mother and I had this
all worked out.

All this could have
been avoided

if you didn't force me
to be here.

- Yeah, and you didn't force me
to dim my Christmas light.

I am the North Star!

- Wait, you guys don't get
to be mad at me.

I'm mad at you.

I just wanted my family
together for Christmas.

Is that too much to ask?

- Absolutely!
- Yes!

- Then don't be here.

Get out.

- Fine, but I'm taking

the spirit of Christmas
with me.

- I live here.
Where am I supposed to go?

- I don't know.
Follow the North Star.

- This isn't over, elf.

♪ ♪

- Happy birthday, baby Jesus.

There'll be no blowing out
candles tonight.

I stress-ate your cake.

[knock at door]

Oh. Ooh.

That must be
the three wise men.

Oh, no,
it's just one old dummy.

- I just wanted to say
I'm sorry

that you're alone
on Christmas, Rosie.

I brought you a coffee.

- Thanks.
- Hey, what are you--

come on, Rosie,
don't leave me freezing

out here on your porch.

It's Christmas.

- It's 72 degrees.

Fine, come in.

You can't ruin Nochebuena
more than you already have.

- I really was trying
not to drink.

- And I was trying
not to overdo it.

I'm sorry if I set you off.

- No.
[clears throat]

It wasn't you.

It was "Mi Burrito Sabanero."

I mean, seeing you guys
having fun

doing our traditions without me

just made me realize
how much I missed

the last ten years,
and that you can't get

those Christmas memories back.

- Well, I thought you were
making memories with Oscar,

eating microwave pizza
in his mother's garage.

- I just made that up
to make you jealous.

The truth is that I've been
alone on Christmas

for the last ten years.

And it's a hard day for me.

So I-I drink to get through it.

- I ate God's cake.

Oh, George, it's been
hard for us too.

The reason why I started
going overboard on Christmas

was to distract us
from the fact

that you weren't there.

I put all my sadness
into an elaborate nativity set.

We did have a few
good Christmases, didn't we?

I can see why Mayan
wanted us together.

- I mean, it's not
too late, Rosie.

I mean, we still have
a couple hours before midnight.

And I've been sober
for another 45 minutes.

Thank you, gas station potato.

- That's true.

There's still time
to make Jesus a second cake.

[upbeat saxophone music]

- Where's Nana and Grandpa?

- They were naughty,
so Santa said

they can't have dinner
with us tonight.

- Santa's tearing
this whole family apart.

both: We're here.

- What, so you can
start fighting

and blame it on me again?

- Ay, Mayan,
don't be so dramática.

It's Nochebuena.

- Somebody told me
this was all about family,

so bring on the lechón.

- How about an apology first?

- I'm sorry
that your lechónis so dry.

- Apology accepted.

- Thank you.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, that must be
the rest of our guests.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, Rosie doesn't feel like

it's a real Latino Christmas

unless there's at least
ten family members,

so...

hello, family.

- Surprise!

[indistinct chatter]

- [laughs]

Oh.

Ahh!

Ay, this is
the best gift ever!

- Yeah, and it didn't
cost me nothing.

- Oh, thank you, George.

Where's your husband?
- I don't know.

I haven't seen him since 2007.

But I hear he has a new family
and a better haircut.

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

- Sup.

- You know.

- Sure do.

- Ooh, presents.

What did you get me?

- What'd you get me?

both: This fool.

[laughter]

- I have not seen you
in so long, George.

Somehow your head
just got bigger.

- Well, how would you
know that?

Aren't most old bats blind
by your age, sir?

- Okay.
- Hold on.

- Okay, come in. Come in.

- Hey, where's your
token white guy?

♪ ♪

- Mmm.

These tamales are...
the worst I've ever had.

[all talking at once]

- Hey, a toast! Toast! Toast!

A toast!

To Oscar, my weed guy.

To Chance, my grandson.

To Mayan, my daughter.

To someone who claims
to be Chance's father.

To Rosie, La Reina de Navidad.

And to our old friends,
we've missed you.

And finally,
to your deadbeat husband.

But I kind of like that guy.

And if you see him,
tell him I said hello.

Feliz Navidad!

all: Feliz Navidad!

- It's midnight, Chance.

You can finally open
your presents.

- Grandpa should
open his first.

- What?

- This is from me.

You can't give me nothing,
but that doesn't mean

you don't deserve something.

- Hey, he finally learned that
Christmas is all about family.

- Shh!
- Sorry.

- A beer?

This is the most beautiful gift
I've ever gotten.

It's even better
than your love.

But I'm gonna save this
for tomorrow, okay, boy?

I'm gonna put it right here.

And don't drink this,

or I'll snap
your little elf legs.

Okay, Mayan,
since I missed it earlier...

["Mi Burrito Sabanero" plays]

- "Mi Burrito Sabanero"!

- You deserve a crown too.

- [singing in Spanish]

♪ ♪

- The role I was born to play.

Quinten, hop on.

Vámonos.

♪ ♪

You know I can't
stay mad at you.

[upbeat saxophone music]