[CAR BRAKES SCREECH]
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura ♪
All righty, then.
♪ Pet detective on the run ♪
[CHUCKLES]
♪ Ace Ventura ♪
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n ♪
Yes, yes!
Whoa!
[SQUEAKING]
Aah!
Aah!
♪ Ace Ventura ♪
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
♪ Pet detective on the run ♪
[CHUCKLES]
[SCREAMING]
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
Pet detective? I thought I called the pest detective.
Yellow Pages misspelled the ad
but since I'm hard up for cash, what seems to be the problem?
There's some kind of beast stuck in my toilet bowl.
Spike, my utensils.
Hi-ya!
Hey, what the... Have you no shame?
[ACE AND MAN SCREAMING]
ACE: The beast has been dethroned.
Do not go in there. It ain't a pretty sight.
I'll have to charge extra because he was human.
That's my husband.
The beast is in the upstairs bathroom.
Not so fast.
This could get nasty. I'm going in.
I think I found the problem.
It's a baby alligator.
Mississippiensis variety.
[SCREAMS]
Poor baby. Did that bad lady scare you?
Here's my bill.
No. Here's my bill for all the damages.
And I'll be suing you for psychological trauma.
You didn't wanna live here anyway.
Did you?
[GRUNTING]
How you doing, Ace?
Gee, Doc. How'd you know it was me?
Well, you're the only one I know who won't use a front door.
Force of habit for a man of intrigue and danger such as myself.
Who's your friend?
Doc, please.
You're the only one who can save this poor baby orphangator. Please.
Okay.
[ACE CRYING]
Gee, Doc, you okay?
You usually say, "Now, Ace, you know, I already got too many mouths to feed."
Not anymore. Big Daddy's disappeared.
He's been here and if my instincts are correct,
Big Daddy was craving a moment of privacy
and is hiding inside... this outhouse.
[GROANS]
Yes. The mystery of Big Daddy solved in record time.
-DOC: This ain't Big Daddy. -Huh?
This here's long daddy. Big Daddy's my prize gator.
All righty, then.
DOC: I raised Big Daddy from a pup myself.
It grew into the biggest, strongest, toughest gator in these here Everglades.
There is only one person could have taken him...
Gator Jane.
Ooh! I love when they get all goopy.
Oops. Was I not listening?
I said Gator Jane probably took Big Daddy.
Gator Jane, legendary poacher of the Everglades, queen of the swamp.
A bedtime story told to frighten all women and children.
Doc, we are men of science.
Don't move.
You almost stepped in this footprint.
[SNIFFS]
I would say it belongs to a man about years old, foot ,
weighing pounds, with a large Adam's apple and rotten teeth.
Well, that's amazing, Ace.
How can you tell all that from a footprint?
I can't.
He dropped his hunting license next to it.
Why? That's Flim Snopes. I thought I saw him.
Crazy Snopes was poking around here the other night.
Spike, we'd leave at once.
It's quiet, Spike.
A little too quiet.
No. Help me.
Save me.
[SCREAMING]
Dressing like an otter.
A delicacy of the carnivorous gator was not a good idea.
Let's run.
They must be ignorant hillbillies, Spike.
They put an apostrophe in trespassing.
We shall fool them easily with our city ways.
Hee-haw!
[ALL LAUGHING]
Looks like we kissed ourselves a gator.
Let's gut them scales.
[CHUCKLES]
[CHATTERING]
Hold that gator's tail side so I can gut him.
I hate to disillusion you, kind gentlemen but I am not a gator.
I am a man in a gator suit.
How's I know this ain't some kind of trick?
How many gators do you know that can talk?
[ALL CHEERING]
Looks like we got ourselves a talking gator.
Wait till grandpa sees this.
[ALL LAUGHING]
-What you got there? -It's a talking gator.
You damn fools, gators can't talk.
[ALL GIGGLING]
I bet you with whatever you got.
You boys will never learn.
Okay, talk.
Come on. You talk down here.
[WHISTLING]
[SCREAMS]
Told you that was no talking gator.
That there is a gator what swallowed a man whole.
Sweet sassafras.
Whoop that gator.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
Boys, we gone catched ourselves a man-eating gator.
Toto, we're not in Miami anymore.
I can't thank you enough for saving my life.
Why'd you make a fool of us in front of grandpa?
Pretending you was a talking gator.
That's $ we lost this month.
Just for that we're gonna have to play a trick on you.
You see that bowl of critter food.
Well, I want you to eat it.
[ALL LAUGHING]
This wouldn't be that trick you boys were talking about, would it?
No, no.
[SNIFFS] Yummy.
Phew.
Must be a lot of critter food in here
'cause this bowl's heavy.
Oh, oh, hernia. Ah.
You city boys spend too much time pushing pencils.
You're too soft.
Bet three strong hillbillies could make a...
[THUDS AND EXPLODES]
Let's cut to the chase, shall we?
How do you explain this?
Hey, he looks just like you, Flim.
And he's got your name.
-Same birthday, too. -Why...
You're twins.
Brother, it's been so long.
So what'd you do with Big Daddy?
Big Daddy? I ain't seen Big Daddy.
-You didn't take him? -No.
You wouldn't lie to your twin brother now,
-would you? -No.
Then what were you doing at Doc's place the other night.
Can you tell me that? Huh? Can you?
Heh. Looking for Flim's hunting license.
He dropped it out there about a week ago.
You ain't seen it, have you?
[MUMBLING]
Bye, twin brother.
Hehe. You'll come back, now you?
Ugh.
It's no use. We're never gonna get out of here alive.
Did you hear that?
It sounds like an ice cream truck.
All right. Who let the cow out of the barn?
Don't let them judge me. Sweet mother.
[SPLITS]
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
Well, gee, if we could find a clue or something,
maybe I wouldn't have to get so weird.
Who's slacking off?
[GARGLE THEN SPLITS]
I don't see you taste testing for gator skin parasites.
The only thing we can do is wait for a clue to jump up and bite us on the nose.
[SCREAMS]
No. Don't bite my nose.
Phew. Filthy water bats.
Spike, something scared those swimming swamp scum
and that means Big Daddy must be close.
Admit it, my powers of deduction
leave even the most doubtful of monkeys I've spoken to.
[SCREAMING]
Uh...
Spike, if anything should ever happen to me,
the business is yours.
Yours, yours, yours, yours.
[GIGGLING]
[LAUGHING]
I've lost my hair gel.
[GRUNTS AND GROANS]
Your head ought to make a fine trophy.
Head and body would make a better trophy together, I mean.
One big crazy head and body trophy.
Ahhh!
Gator Jane's the name and hunting gators my claim to fame.
-Nice threads. -Made them myself.
This here's pure gator skin.
Each of these teeth is from a different gator
and these knives are made from their bones.
You are a lovely walking house of death and twice as big.
Gee, since you're already fully accessorized,
I guess you won't be needing to chop up Big Daddy then, right?
Sure, I would.
Gator that size fits a good price.
Say what's it to you anyway,
you ain't one of them Snopes is you.
I hate them Snopes.
Well, I have been mistaken for Flim's twin brother on occasions.
If you're a Snopes,
I got a right mind to gut you right here
and feed you to the gators.
Would you believe I'm a Harvard entomologist
searching for this batwing dung beetle?
[CHUCKLES]
[SCREAMS]
If there's one thing I hate more than a Snopes, it's a Harvard boy.
ACE: Hurry up, Spike.
There's about leeches having a dinner party in my pants.
Uh...
Fancy bacon grease monkey.
Now let's see that in instant replay.
Go on, big fella. The swamp is your oyster.
What the... Come on, big guy.
[WHISTLING]
Go fetch.
Hmm.
[GRUNTS]
Do I have to write you a letter?
He's sleeping.
Can you believe he's sleeping through this?
Hello, Big Daddy, oh, wake up.
You'll be late for school.
[GROWLING]
I guess it's always like this when he wakes up.
Mint?
[BOTH SCREAMING]
No.
[SCREAMING]
[CHATTERING]
Not to worry, Spike.
Calm will overtake the beast as he senses my special bond with the animal kingdom.
-[SCREAMS] -[GROWLS]
Me friend.
[GRUNTS]
Me no harm.
Want to rescue you.
My usual bond with the members of the animal kingdom does not seem to be working.
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
[GRUNTING]
GATOR JANE: Our nation is going on out there.
What you doing with my gator?
You want Big Daddy?
Well, little missy, first, you'll have to deal with Ace Ventura.
[SCREAMS]
Homewrecker.
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTS]
[HOWLING]
I got you.
You fight well, though, bearer of unshaven armpits.
But in your haste, you have failed to note that my trusty assistant Spike
has a deadly blow g*n aimed at your spine.
You mean this ugly tree squirrel?
[CHATTERING]
Now where'd that gator go?
There he is.
Wait, my shoes aren't...
Yay.
Thank goodness she missed the gator.
[GROWLING]
[SCREAMING]
Spike.
Spank you, uh...
[SCREAMING]
Well, they don't just grow on trees, you know.
What? A swamp ranger. We're saved.
Saved.
Can I be of any assistance?
We're being stalked by a gator-bashing swamp amazon.
-Gator Jane. -Yes.
Can you help us, bold heroic ranger friend?
Your worries are over.
Catching Gator Jane is my mission in life.
I hunt her as she hunts the gator.
I have pursued her for years
but she always eludes my grasp.
Why? I cannot say.
It's 'cause you never shut up.
Quick, Robin.
To the back of the boat thingy.
Ugh.
ACE: Loser!
Engineering. What is our current status?
Cruising speed set to one three, captain.
Yes? Yikes!
Give me back my gator, you tree-hugging, critter-loving,
veggie-eating Harvard boy.
I have never hugged a tree.
[HUMMING]
[SCREAMS]
Oh, yeah.
Tree hugging.
[SCREAMING]
Sure.
Let the gluteus maximus absorb the impact like I don't have brains.
I'll tell you what I got for brains.
Anybody got any aspirin?
Now I'm mad.
Uh-oh. Incoming.
No.
Yes, yes. Can you feel it?
Boy, am I good? Ugh...
Now, I'm really mad.
You know this could really stretch the face.
So could pulling your skull out of your head right through your eyes.
Yummy, hmm.
Isn't that Elvis? Hey, Elvis.
I ain't falling for that.
Everyone knows Elvis is living on an island with JFK and James Dean.
Hey, isn't that Garth Brooks?
Where? Where?
Lion varmint, I'm saving you for dessert.
Hey, look, free gator chow.
I don't need no stinking gator chow.
-[GULPS] -[CHUCKLES]
[GRUNTS]
[EXPLODES]
[ALL LAUGHING]
We catched ourselves a gator.
You crazy Snopes, I ain't no gator!
Don't let her fool you.
That's a real talking gator.
Wow. If it ain't cousin Flim.
I'm proud of you, twin brother. You done good, real good.
Here's the address of an animal oddity zoo in Madagascar
that will pay a fortune for her.
Madahooser? I ain't going nowhere nohow.
We're gonna be rich.
Move to Beverly Hills.
-Wait till Grandpa sees this. -[ALL CHEERING]
Gator Jane, poacher, legend and loser.
Loo-hoo-ser.
Now how to get two tons of the biggest, strongest, toughest gator
in your Everglades back home.
-[GROWLING] -[SCREAMING]
Big Daddy.
No, no, no.
Doc, don't let him eat me.
Well, he ain't gonna eat you, Ace.
Big Daddy is growling because he likes you.
Whoo-hoo.
[LAUGHS] Really?
DOC: I'm mighty glad you're back, Ace,
because, you know, that baby gator you brought me,
well, he's stuck in the outhouse.
Gravy!
[GATOR GROWLS]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]