[THEME SONG PLAYING]
All righty, then.
[LAUGHS]
Yes, yes!
Aah!
Aah!
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, Ace! I cannot thank you enough for saving my ferret, Harold,
from that horrible mink salesman.
Flavio, my man! Anything for the best barber in Miami.
Especially when he's offering free haircuts as a reward!
[SNIFFS]
Whoa, Flavio!
What are you feeding that ferret?
Mommy, you said I could stay up late and watch TV.
[ACE GASPS FOR BREATH]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Lucy, I'm home!
Yeah! Whoo!
Spike, you're rapping r*cist!
[HORSE NEIGHS]
More base, baby! And crank it up, up, up!
Cool, another pancake dance party!
[ANIMALS LAUGHING INDISTINCTLY]
Hey!
[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES]
Where's my pancake?
Nice arm, boo-boo!
Spike, if I don't get some sort of flapjack, Jack,
I'm gonna call the monkey police.
[BELL RINGS]
Wow, that's what I call service!
You see, Spike? MP. Monkey Police!
Ace Ventura?
The pet detective?
In person, infallible and indescribably handsome!
Hey, not me!
The monkey! The monkey!
[UPBEAT MUSIC RESUMES]
MAN: Ace Ventura, I've been watching you.
Really?
Whaa...
I know you!
You're General Harvey Shortcuff!
Wow, how many games of skate ball did it take to win these?
-Hey! -Someone stole my dog Rumble!
Swiped them from my aid Kerry Witherton on his daily walk.
I love that dog more than my wife!
Which one is she?
He's a good dog, a good soldier, and he's my best friend.
Uhh... It's okay to have feelings, tiny warrior.
Don't touch the uniform, civilian!
Let me guess, no decaf in the mess hall?
Witherton! Walk my dog! Scoop that poop! Wash that butt!
Really, sir, is this necessary?
Of course not!
Just admit that you resented a General
who had more respect for his dog than for you
and you are behind the dog-napping!
Any questions?
I love that dog and I'd never do anything to hurt the General!
I'm not through yet, Dudley Do-Nothing Right!
Let's visit the crime scene, so I can admire your handiwork.
[TRANQUIL MUSIC PLAYING]
Go fetch, Liberty!
[DOG BARKS]
Good dog!
The crime scene has been kept exactly as it was when Rumble was stolen, sir!
Mm.
Fresh as a daisy! Aha!
A clue!
And look at the size of those feet!
-Hey! -Interesting!
Sassy feet! Sassy feet! You have sassy feet!
Aha! A perfect fit!
Size and a half, the shoe size of basketball players,
pet detectives and dog-nappers with excellent taste in footwear.
That is where Rumble used to do his business.
Hmm. A butt print!
Yes! Snug!
And this, the wrapper from a baby hoover candy bar!
My favorite!
[LICKS] Hmm.
Still a little gooey goodness left for the taking!
Hmm, made in Makali Kahoko, Hawaii.
World-renowned for their loud shirts, sassy pants,
and undies that make your butt feel like dancing!
Whoever this dog-napper is, he's got style!
And I like it!
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Gee, I hope he brought tanks for everybody.
Ventura, now!
Can we say, "Please"?
Close enough!
We got lucky, Ventura!
A tourist videotaped the dog-napping and sent me the tape.
Who brought the popcorn?
In a few seconds, I'll know exactly who took my dog.
Oh, man, are you busted! Teacher's gonna be so mad!
Hmm. That seems familiar! Love that fighting style.
This guy is a stone-cold dude!
Jeepers creepers!
Now there's a handsome devil.
Well-formed chin, beautiful eyes, muscular physique, great dude!
He could be a movie star!
And he could be you, Ventura.
Where's my dog?
Wow, this looks bad.
Good thing I have the kind of spotless reputation
where nobody would ever assume I committed this kind of crime!
Righty then?
Righty then?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Ace Ventura, pet detective,
you have been charged with stealing Rumble,
a w*r hero and the loyal pet of General Harvey Shortcuff.
How do you plead?
Like this.
Help!
Your Honor, we intend to show beyond a shadow of any doubt
that Mr. Ace Ventura is a sham.
Far from being a pet detective, he is actually a pet thief.
I'm innocent, I tell you! Innocent!
Call the governor, call the president, call collect!
I'm an innocent man!
-Objection! -Overruled!
Mr. Ventura, only the judge can overrule an objection.
-Sorry, your majesty. -Your Honor!
I'm your honor? Hey, case dismissed!
Let's all go for pie!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Mr. Ventura, you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but.
[SNIFFS] Whoo!
Yes, and the truth is this man needs a better deodorant!
-Objection! -Sustained!
Mr. Ventura, isn't it true that you are...
The greatest pet detective in Miami? Possibly the world?
Yes, that's a big affirmative.
But isn't it also true that...
I love animals and would never do anything to harm them?
Never ever, never.
I'd say case closed. Witness can be excused.
Mr. Ventura!
Your Honor, I'd like to make a motion.
Proceed.
[WHOOPS]
Okay. If you think it's possible,
I could have kidnapped the General's dog say so right now.
In fact, if I committed any crime, just say it.
Tell the world!
Stand up, shout it out!
Ace Ventura is a criminal and he stole the General's dog!
Go ahead, tell them!
Do you have any actual evidence to present to the court, Mr. Ventura?
Yes!
I would now like to call a special last-minute surprise witness.
I call me! Glorious me!
You swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
So help you get me off the hook?
I do-do-do.
What's your favorite color? What's Urkel's first name?
And did you steal Rumble?
Gee, let me think.
Blue, who cares, and no.
Your Honor, I rest my case.
Mr. Ventura, I'm sorry, but in light of your lack of an alibi
and the irrefutable evidence of the videotape...
Your Honor, I'd like to present some new evidence.
I mean I'd like to but I don't have any.
Then, I have no choice but to find you guilty as charged.
Your Honor, I've dedicated my life to animals.
I know everything about them.
Proceed!
[INHALES DEEPLY]
The most common diseases of dogs are canine distemper,
rabies, roundworm, tapeworm, heartworm, and a whole lot of other squirmy things.
There isn't a man alive with my knowledge of pooches, poodles, and poop.
If anyone can find Rumble and bring him back, it's me!
I beg you, hours to clear my name.
Uhh, very well, Mr. Ventura, hours!
Objection!
Oh, really?
Overruled, dog loser! [CHUCKLES]
Come along, my primate parole officer.
The clock's ticking, and I know just where to go.
[SPIKE SQUEAKS]
[SIGHS] Yes, after we stop for lunch.
What time does this have to be back at the rental office,
oh, hippie of the micro chippy?
I got it for the weekend, Manicotti.
I had a coupon, now hold still.
I want one of these for my next party.
This is interesting. I haven't seen this in a while.
Let me guess, a green vegetable,
a steady paycheck, the sun?
Hair trauma, manicural.
Some of your follicles have been forcibly removed.
What? Numbers ---- through ----?
I've had those since high school! They were my favorites.
That can only mean one thing.
Yep, I need a new barber.
Look at the facts, Manilow!
A duplicate Ace steals the General's pooch
and some of your precious hair is missing.
Someone has sent in the clones!
With that hair sample,
the right kind of genius could make a new you, my bionic mannequin!
A clone!
I've always wanted a baby brother, when's his birthday?
Your heart is jazzed, man of w*r!
It grooves to a one-of-a-kind b*at, daddy-o.
And because of its unique b*at,
I can track it by satellite, like so.
And if I'm right,
your cellular buddy is underneath the reflecting pool
in Washington DC, teaching an old w*r-dog new tricks.
[SERENE MUSIC PLAYING]
ACE: Maybe we should move to the deep end, my swimming simian.
[SPIKE SQUEAKS]
[BEEPING]
-[SPIKE SQUEAKS] -Groovy!
[WATER SPINNING]
Whoa!
[ACE AND SPIKE YELL]
[MACHINES BEEPING]
Oh, my gosh!
I bet he gets cable!
Open, says me!
Nice doggie!
Aha!
The Mind Reader . I've been to their website.
Hiya, Rumble! Yes, you know the difference.
The guy who dog-napped you was my clone.
I'm the real Ace.
Yuck!
Are you really?
Are you sure you're the real Ace Ventura?
Let me guess, evil grin, underground lair,
no girlfriend, why you must be the villain!
Greetings, Ace.
I am Clonius. Allow me to introduce you to yourself.
Ace Ventura meet Ace Ventura!
Pleased to meet me.
Not bad, Belonious!
But even Spike can tell which one is the real Ace, can't you, Spike?
Spike?
[SPIKE SQUEAKS]
Spike?
You know, I really am a handsome devil, aren't I?
I'll take stupid questions for .
-Who is that handsome man? -Why, it's me!
You must have a great photocopier!
Loser!
Weiner!
All righty then!
Okie-dokie now!
May the farts be with you!
I'm behind you all the way!
Stop it!
I've cloned you, Ventura.
By now you must have some idea, why.
Gee, let me think.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
First you bought a device that can read animals' minds,
then you cloned me
because only I could steal the one dog
that knew America's vital m*llitary secrets.
You framed me and now you're gonna sell that information to the highest bidder,
so that you can fund your hideous experiments. [GASPS]
Got any water?
Very good, Mr. Ventura.
Your stolen hair follicles gave me your DNA
and my scientific genius did the rest.
One question, if that's an exact duplicate of me,
how'd you lure him to the dork side, Vader?
Hide the cable remote?
Quite simple, really.
I overloaded the gene pool with an excess of your special hair gel.
It gummed up the works!
Well, there's one thing you haven't thought of which is,
I can't resist a challenge and neither can my dopey duplicate.
I challenge you to an Ace Off,
winner take all righty then.
Groovy! Nice knowing you, not!
I've got a pooch to deliver, join me when he's disposed of!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Ha! I even drive like you!
Like a shoe!
[CHUCKLES]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Yes, yes!
Got any more quarters, Cloninstein?
-[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] -[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[SPIKE SQUEAKS]
The sticky tongue of the chameleon may be longer than its body!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Damn! I knew that one.
It's the final competition. Let's dance!
[PARTY MUSIC PLAYING]
Do the swim, everybody!
Yeah, get down! Freak out, the freaking sheik!
Oh, baby!
[PARTY MUSIC CONTINUES]
Look, I'm a dancing gummy bear.
Clonius must have used too much hair gel in the gene pool.
You're starting to break down!
Wow, watch my feet!
Well, looks like papa's little DNA wants to come home.
Or maybe your DNA wants to come over to my place!
It's the [inaudible] crystals, Ventura.
I've got too much power!
But for how long? Must make one final push!
Swing your partner round and round, look mom, no hands!
And pretty soon, no clone!
-[PARTY MUSIC CONTINUES] -[MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY]
Creepy!
[ACE CHUCKLES]
Every follicle in place!
Groovy!
Excellent, you're just in time for my first demonstration.
This video tape has sucked that dog's brain.
Every secret that the m*llitary possesses is now under my control.
Let's wrap this up, Clonius.
I'm burning a village in minutes!
No! No!
No! I don't understand!
[CHUCKLES] What's not to understand, Fonius?
You read a dog's mind!
Dogs don't care about m*llitary secrets.
They care about Frisbees, cats, and other dogs behinds!
Perhaps, reading a dog's brain wasn't such a brilliant idea.
You are a disgrace to evil, Clonius!
Don't call us, we'll call you!
But they can't stop me!
I still have the Mind Reader ,
and I still have a clone of the world's only pet detective
working for the side of evil.
Excellent plan, bone-hedius!
But there's just one teeny-tiny flaw.
There's no clone anymore!
He's back where he belongs!
Do you think I should charge him rent?
You're the real Ace Ventura?
-Impossible! -[ACE LAUGHS]
Are we ready, my little jungle fireman?
[SPIKE SQUEAKS]
[WATER SPLASHES]
Every hair in place, loser!
And in recognition for his valiant efforts,
all criminal charges have been dropped.
And I proudly award Ace Ventura this coveted Silver Bone!
Oh!
Next time, I'll just take a check.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]