(male narrator)
Coming up...
Oh, boy.
What's got Sal on the run?
Cannonball!
Why is Joe turning
to a life of crime?
I kidnapped
the vice president.
(male narrator)
And why does tonight's
big loser have a breakdown?
[crowd boos]
[laughter]
[theme music]
It is a bright day here
at Mountain Creek Waterpark
in Vernon, New Jersey.
So bright, we'll be wearing
these sunglasses
that have been completely
blacked out on the inside
so we can't see a single thing.
The catch is, the other guys
will be telling us where to go
what to say, and what to do.
We'll have to blindly do
what we're told
and deal with the consequences.
If you can't, you lose.
Look. You can't see
a single thing.
There's a new, real danger
doing it here versus at a park.
- Oh, yeah.
- You could drown.
[laughter]
Ooh, the cold water's on
my ankle. It feels good.
(Sal)
'I wanna go in that pool
so bad.'
Alright, Q, you want to put
them glasses on?
I've been practicing at home.
[laughter]
'Walking around
with your eyes closed?'
- That's right.
- Okay, Q.
Take about three steps forward
'turn right and sit down'
'Indian-style.
One, two, three.'
Little more to your left,
by two inches.
[laughter]
Keep scooching to the left.
Keep going.
- 'Scooch!'
- 'Keep going! Keep going!'
[laughing]
Now the dad got up!
Keep scooching to your left.
'Scooch to your left.
Scooch to your left.'
- Argh!
- Turn to your left.
Say, "Hey, Donald,
how was your root canal?"
Hey, Donald,
how was that root canal?
(Sal)
'Now take them off!
Take them off!'
[laughter]
No! No!
You're not a Donald at all!
Oh. Oh, hey! What's going on?
You guys were just
enjoying yourselves
and then I came over here
and called you Donald.
Alright, buddy.
Walk straight.
- 'Yeah, keep walking straight.'
- 'A couple steps. Stop. Stop.'
- Stop.
- Turn to your left.
- 'Okay, h-h-hold on.'
- 'Walk straight.'
Just take, like,
ten steps forward.
Okay, okay.
Alright, guys. I..
[laughter]
I know there's a pool
in front of me.
I can smell it.
I can hear people playing.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
I said just take
about ten steps forward.
Yeah, I'm not going into the
pool, guys. I'll take the loss.
I know that you don't wanna
go in the pool.
I know that you don't wanna go
in the pool. Trust me.
'You are near the pool, but
you can take a couple of steps.'
- Guys, I will take the loss.
- 'Just ten steps forward.'
'Y-you're fine. Just take one
more baby step near the pool.'
[laughter]
Yes!
You still gonna take that loss?
- Alright. Ready, Murr?
- Oh, my God.
[laughing]
Oh, my God!
- I forgot how dark it is.
- Turn right.
I hear splashing
all around me.
Well, you know that you're
near a pool, right, buddy?
You're near a gigantic,
gigantic, triple olympic-size
swimming pool.
That's the splashing, buddy.
I know. I know, [bleep].
Make a right, make a right,
make a right.
Go forward. You, you. Point.
- You, you.
- You, you, you.
- You, you, you, you.
- What's up?
I am not leaving here
till I have a tan like yours.
I am not leaving here until I
have a tan like yours.
Alright. Take those glasses off.
[laughing]
Oh! Oh!
Wow. Wow. That was.. That was..
Ridiculous.
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.
Go straight. Straight.
Straight, straight, left, left.
Left, left, left, left, left
straight, straight, straight
straight, left, left, straight.
Speed up, speed up, speed up!
'Right, right, right, right.
Take your glasses off.'
[laughter]
G-gotcha! Gotcha.
Enjoy the day.
It's a beautiful day. Oh, man.
Murray,
you're a little fair-skinned.
'I'm worried about you out
there. You're getting sunburnt.'
Go straight there.
Make a right.
'Okay, stop, there's a bottle
there on the lifeguard stand'
there, and there's sunblock.
Grab that bottle. Good, Murr.
Now get some of that sunscreen
on your arms, buddy.
There you go. Nice!
'There you go, nice and deep.'
This is [bleep] mustard,
isn't it?
You [bleep].
Oh, my God!
You idiots.
Murr, we want you to get that
golden tan.
This is gross!
I hate mustard!
Goodbye, vision.
Alright, Joe. Turn to your left.
Now walk straight.
Walk to your right
and say, "Hey."
Hey, hey.
I thought I told you to stay
off my turf!
I thought I told you
to stay off my turf!
- 'Hey! You! Yeah, you.'
- You, you.
'Now take the glasses off.'
Oh, no. No, you can go swim.
You can enjoy.
No, go ahead, buddy.
(Murr)
'Walk straight.
There you go.'
'Straight a little bit more,
a little bit more.'
'Take a step forward. There
you go. You feel the towel?'
There you go, buddy. Just dry
your face with it, real quick.
'Go ahead. Dry your face.'
[laughter]
'Now take the sunglasses off.
Take them off.'
Oh, my God!
That's your towel.
I thought this,
I thought this was mine.
You idiots.
Walk straight.
- This way?
- 'Yep, yep.'
You'll feel
there's a fence coming.
Don't walk into it.
'I put a shirt out there
for you.'
'Go to the right.
No, a little bit more.'
'There, that's it.
That's your shirt.'
- Whose shirt is this?
- Well, it's yours now.
'Put it on.'
These better
not be fake boobs.
Alright, buddy, now..
[laughter]
'Alright, now make a right.
Hard right, there you go.'
'Go straight. Keep going.
Keep going a little bit.'
'Stop. Stop. Stop.
Point up a little bit.'
- 'Hey!'
- Hey.
'You've been sitting on
your ass all day.'
You've been sitting on
your ass all day.
'I'm about to make you
earn your money.'
I'm about to make you
earn your money.
'Run into the water
as fast as you can.'
[laughter]
'Start yelling, "Help."
Start yelling, "Help."'
Help! Help!
- Help!
- 'Turn around, degrees.'
'Wave your hands
over your head.'
Now start yelling,
"What's your problem, dude?"
- What's your problem, dude?
- 'Earn your money.'
Earn that money!
Earn that money!
Alright, now take off
your glasses. Read your shirt.
[laughter]
- Here we go, Sal.
- Now, left.
'Okay, now straight.'
Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Okay, now kneel down real low.
'Get real low to the ground.'
'Lean forward more,
more forward.'
And say, "Excuse me.
Do you need mouth-to-mouth?"
Excuse me.
Do you need mouth-to-mouth?
What?
Oh, my God!
Take the glasses off!
She was sleeping!
We're very close
to each other's face?
- Yeah.
- I-I..
It looked like you were in
trouble and you were passed out.
I just wanted to make
sure you were okay.
- Oh, no, I'm just relaxing.
- Oh, okay.
You look like
you were passed out.
No, I mean,
I don't know if people
who pass out move
their feet like this.
I didn't see you
moving the feet. That's why.
- Oh.
- Be careful.
[laughter]
Turn to your left degrees.
'Now go straight.'
- 'To your right a little bit.'
- 'To your right.'
Now, Sal, now I'm gonna want
you to lean down
and reach your hand out
until you feel fabric
'and then start tugging
downward.'
No. No.
What do you mean no?
What do you mean no?
'Just a light tug,
just a little tug.'
Come on. Don't be an [bleep]
There's just a piece
of fabric hanging.
You want me to pull down
someone's bathing suit.
- I ain't gonna do it.
- No, no, no!
We wouldn't do that.
'Reach forward. Reach out.'
'Now tug.'
'Keep tugging.
Keep tugging downward.'
'Tug with all your might.'
I already know
what's going on here
and I'm very sorry about it.
Sorry. [bleep]
I'm gonna get k*lled. I'm about
to get k*lled right now.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Don't hit me.
- Now take your glasses off.
Yeah, that's right, yeah.
Thank you for not
slaughtering my face.
Sorry about that.
- Run and do a cannonball.
- No, guys.
But you got to yell cannonball.
Run and yell, "Cannonball!"
Guys, what if I.. I don't want
to hit into anybody, guys.
We'll tell you
when to cannonball.
Ready? One, two, three.
- Run!
- [bleep].
Cannonball!
[instrumental music]
- Run and yell, "Cannonball!"
- Run and yell, "Cannonball!"
Guy, what If I.. I don't want to
hit into anybody, guys.
We'll tell you
when to cannonball.
Ready? One, two, three.
- Run!
- [bleep].
- Cannonball!
- 'Stop!'
- 'Stop.'
- 'Stop, stop, stop, stop.'
'Alright, now turn around
and go back.'
- Run!
- Cannonball.
Cannonball!
'Stop, stop.'
[laughter]
Alright, turn around.
Alright, now run. Cannonball.
- I..
- 'Go!'
- Cannonball!
- 'Stop. Stop!'
- 'Take your glasses off.'
- I'm sorry.
[laughter]
He doesn't even do anything.
He just says, "I'm sorry."
I'm done.
See you guys later.
- What? You're giving up?
- Later.
'You're done?'
The glasses have
left the water park!
- I'm not going back.
- 'That's a loss.'
(male narrator)
So far,
Q and Sal are treading water
on the loser board.
Thesis, pools are gross.
Discuss.
A couple years ago, my friend
dared me to swim in his pool
in the winter, green and swampy.
Two laps for bucks.
I was allowed to use a condom.
I put a condom on.
I love how you just have to
protect that part.
You don't know what's gonna
swim up there.
You realize you have nose,
eyes, ears, mouth?
[laughter]
Today, Joe and Q are going
head-to-head
as authors trying to get their
books published.
Their goal is to convince a
group of literary enthusiasts
that their book is the best.
Joe and I have no idea
what the books are
because they were created
by Sal and Murr.
At the end, they'll ask the
group to vote
for which book they think
should be published.
Whoever gets the fewest hands
raised loses.
You're going downtown.
- Ow.
- Oh, your ring!
What did you do?
I don't even know what
happened to me today?
'Joe, you could have took
an iron to that thing.'
- You look like an old turtle.
- Q looks way better than me.
It's unbelievable.
It feels good to be on this side
of the equation.
- 'Hi, guys.'
- Hello! Hi!
We're presenting
our book to groups.
And at the end, we're gonna take
a vote out of which one
you think should get published.
Okay? So, my book here is..
It's, uh.. "Joey Turncoat.
How I Disgraced My Country
During Battle."
[laughter]
A memoir of sorts by me,
Joe gatto.
Why do you have
a black suit on?
I didn't want to wear
the uniform.
Well, they took it from you,
right?
- Well, that, too, yeah.
- Right.
[laughter]
- You can show them yours.
- Okay.
Mine is, uh...it's a comic book
called "Swamp Ass Thing."
Since Q loves comics so much..
We gave him a fresh
take on an original.
Well,freshtake?
[laughs]
It's about a scientist
afflicted with hellish swamp ass
which as you know is..
It's right.
It's a sweaty badonkadonk.
[laughing]
Sweaty badonkadonk!
And mine's more
a story of truth.
You know, I was in, like, the
whole Afghanistani area.
"Afghanistani?"
And I did a short tour
in Costa Rica.
It's a little island
in the middle of the Caribbean.
- But, you never know--
- Costa Rica is not an island.
You weren't there, man.
It was disgrace all over the
map, from tales of kidnapping
children to get out of
interrogations to "accidentally"
sh**ting a sergeant in the foot.
To get out of a tight pinch I'll
trade a secret in a heartbeat.
Tell me more about
"Swamp Ass Thing."
One night he was working
in his lab
and, uh, you know, lightning hit
the lab, and he fell
into a vat of
ass deodorant.
Ass deodorant?
- And he emerged..
- Swamp ass thing.
Swamp ass thing.
That's right.
She's on board with it.
You got her.
He uses his-his new powers
to freshen up people's asses.
Well, he walks over to someone
and, like..
- Phttt!
- 'Oh, no!'
Swamp ass gone.
And then, also, he fights crime.
Secondary.
Oh, anybody with swamp ass.
You've had it before?
Let me ask you something,
how great would it have been if
somebody had to have swamp-ass
scents, swooped right in, phttt!
I kidnapped the vice president.
I'm a disgraciad'.
If you feel they should
publish the ongoing adventures
of "Swamp Ass Thing,"
please raise your hand now.
One, two, three!
If you think the company
should publish my book
please raise your hand.
- Oh! Five!
- Five! Q goes down.
(male narrator)
Looks like Q is the
disgraciad'on the loser board.
How many comics you think
you've read at this point?
Thousands.
How many trees you think
you've planted?
Three.
How many lives you think
you've saved?
Seven.
How many people you think
you've loved?
- Really?
- Yeah.
One.
[laughter]
Today, we're sitting next to
strangers in Times Square
and asking them
to save our seat.
But the bizarre reason
we need the seat saved
will be given to us
by the other guys.
After we leave, another joker
will try to take that seat
and ask where the last guy went.
If the stranger doesn't
repeat the reason
that you gave to save the seat,
you lose.
Bam!
Yeah, but you know what?
I got to run for one second.
Would you mind just keeping an
eye on this seat for one second?
If I don't watch
Patrick Swayze in "Road House"
twice a day, I'm not myself.
[laughter]
See, I'll be right back,
I got to go watch "Road House"
with Patrick Swayze.
If I don't watch Patrick Swayze
in "Road House" at least
twice a day, I'm not myself.
You know what I mean?
I'll be right back.
- Twice a day, "Road House."
- Just not yourself.
'People like talking about the
beloved Patrick Swayze.'
Excuse me.
Is this seat taken?
Oh, it is? Oh, okay.
By?
He's going to
watch "Road House"?
Did he say why?
How long is "Road House"?
So, you're watching the seat
for two hours
while he watches "Road House"?
Yes, I love that guy!
Alright, well, you know,
I'm more of
a "Dirty Dancing"
guy myself
but I guess it's my way
or the highway.
[laughter]
Can I ask you a favor?
I have to run for one second.
Do you mind watching my seat?
I've been trying to find a seat.
He's working that
old Murray charm.
What do you mean?
He gave them a roofie?
I have to go run real quick.
I have to..
I have to go milk
my grandfather.
[laughs]
Oh, man.
Can I ask you a favor?
I have to run for one second.
Do you mind watching my seat?
He's working that
old Murray charm.
What do you mean?
He gave them a roofie?
I have to go run real quick.
I have to, um..
I have to go milk
my grandfather.
Oh, man. I got to go milk
my grandfather real quick.
He's a cow.
Yeah, he's just a block away.
I'll be right back.
Give me one second.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay!
Excuse me. Is this seat taken?
- Oh, it is?
- Mm-hm.
It doesn't matter,
really, about the seat.
It matters about if she says
back to you where he went.
[laughing]
He went to go
milk his grandfather?
I'm not gonna argue with that.
Could I ask you a favor?
I have to run for a second.
Do you mind just watching
my chair for a second?
Okay, as long as you could,
I-I appreciate it. I have to..
My aunt got her left breast
caught in the pool filter.
My aunt's got her left breast
caught in the pool filter.
So, I got to go check
on her real quick.
The right one's free, but the
left one got sucked right in.
You know how strong those,
those genies are, right?
Just sucks it right in.
Only a block away. So, I just
wanna make sure that she's fine.
I'll be right back. I appreciate
it. I'll be right back.
I wouldn't want to sit around
a pool with a breast
floating around.
- I think I got him.
- Alright. Let's see.
Is this seat taken? Oh, okay,
thanks.
What the hell, man?
- Have a good day, buddy.
- He goes, "Take it."
Excuse me, ladies. Um, could you
save my seat for one second?
- I have to run and..
- Meet my CD guy.
- I got to go meet my "cd" guy.
- To pick up some "Bob Marley."
To pick up some "Bob Marley,"
if you know what I mean.
- But just save this for me?
- A cd guy, huh?
I think they both are whispering
to each other right now.
You just asked her,
"Can you save my seat
so I can buy dr*gs?"
'Sal, it's your goal to talk her
out of that seat.'
Is there any way that I can
borrow that seat?
Oh, you're saving it?
Did he say what it was about?
Finally got a seat.
Waiting for a seat to open.
There's just so many people.
It's all about timing, I guess.
I actually got to run
real quick.
Do you mind watching the seat
for me real quick? Is that cool?
- I just got to, uh..
- I need to rewipe.
Just save the seat.
I'll be right back.
I just got to do a quick rewipe.
- 'Oh, my God!'
- I got to do a rewipe.
- Wasn't a clean break.
- Oh!
Thank you. Appreciate it. Hold..
Just hold it for me. Thank you.
Why am I always pooping
when it comes to you guys?
You need a quick rewipe, bud!
I think he'll let you know.
Let's find out.
Do you mind if I squeeze in?
Is that okay? Thank you so much.
Hey, he just gave it up!
He just gave it up!
I wouldn't want me
to come back, either
'if I had to do a rewipe.'
Nobody was saving
this seat for anybody.
- Oh!
- The rewipe!
So, you were saving a seat
'cause a guy told you
he had to go rewipe?
I'm done with my rewipe, bud.
You're out.
Hey, I'm sorry.
I told you it was gonna be
a quick rewipe.
(male narrator)
Murr lost, but Q takes the seat
as tonight's big loser.
Q thinks he has all the right
moves, but we know he doesn't.
So, we're sending you out,
buddy, in front of thousands
of baseball fans during
the seventh-inning stretch.
You have to entertain all of
them with the help of your
champion break-dancing crew..
- Q's crew.
- Break a leg, buddy.
- No, break a dance.
- Word.
[instrumental music]
(man on speaker)
'Ladies and gentlemen..'
- Wow. Whose crew is that?
- The Q crew!
(man on speaker)
'For your entertainment,
Q's crew!'
I think you see
where this is going, buddy.
I see the empty mat.
[laughter]
Oh, my God,
they're unbelievable!
I can't even do the least of
their moves.
'He's standing sideways! Oh,
my God, the backwards swerve!'
Oh, my God.
You're the leader, buddy.
(man on speaker)
'And now, joining Q's crew'
'the man himself, Q!'
Bust a move, buddy!
[laughter]
[instrumental music]
[cheering]
(man on speaker)
'And now, joining Q's crew'
'the man himself, Q!'
Yeah, bust a move, buddy.
[laughter]
These [bleep] guys.
I'm gonna [bleep] my and
[bleep].
'Oh, my God!'
Holy!
[laughter]
[crowd boos]
[instrumental music]
Oh, my God!
[laughter continues]
- He's pants came down.
- Oh, my God!
(man on speaker)
'And now, the moment you've
been waiting for.'
'It's Q
performing his signature move'
'the dirty ham hock.'
[laughter]
- Dirty ham hock!
- Dirty ham hock!
[crowd boos]
It is the dirty ham hock.
- I hurt my back.
- He wiped out.
- Alright, somebody help me.
- Nailed it!
[laughter]
Nailed it.
02x26 - All the Wrong Moves
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.