- [announcer] Anne Jeffreys
as Marion Kerby,
the ghostess with the mostest.
Robert Sterling as George
Kerby, that most sportive spirit
and Leo G. Carroll, host
to said ghosts, as Topper.
[lively music]
- You sure you know what
you're doing, Cosmo?
- Henrietta, you ask me that same question
every time I take a picture of you.
- [Marion] And not without reason, Topper.
- The last one you took made
me look like a lump of dough.
- Turn your head a
little more to the left.
- [George] Better still, take
your head off all together.
- Now, watch for the birdie.
- [audience laughs]
- [screams] What's that?
- That, that, that's an eagle, dear.
National bird of our country.
- I know but where did it come from?
- Oh, under the hood, producing
it suddenly is guaranteed
to give the customer a
look of pleasant surprise.
- [Marion] It's no use George,
the man's got more excuses than Alibi Ike.
- Stop that.
- I didn't do it,
they went on by themselves.
- [George] Ya haven't
got half enough light.
- Must have been a short
circuit, now hold still a minute.
- This'll give the
picture a little variety.
- [Katie] Excuse me, ma'am.
- Well, that oughta
make a nice action sh*t.
- There wasn't enough light anyway.
- What time would you like dinner?
- As soon as we finish here, Katie.
- Very well.
- Must be a loose connection.
- Oh, for heaven's sake Cosmo,
leave the lights alone
and take the picture!
I can't hold this pose all night!
- [George] Ya haven't
got half enough light.
- Cosmo, you're blinding me!
The fuse, you blew the fuse!
- [Marion] Now be quick Topper.
- She never looked lovelier.
- [audience laughs]
[whimsical music]
- How do ya like it?
- Fabulous.
Should've put more onions in it, though.
- George Kerby.
- Hm?
- Look at me, don't you
notice anything different?
- Putting on a little weight, aren't you?
- George Kerby.
- You said that before, dear.
- Any other man looking at me would say,
"Marion, you look absolutely
ravishing in your new hat".
- Oh, is that a new hat?
- Yes, it's a new hat.
- Wear it in good health, dear.
- Can't you even pay
me a teeny compliment?
- What's eating you?
- I go out of my way
to make myself beautiful for you
and you don't even know I'm alive.
- Well, you're not, are you?
- [audience laughs]
- Topper darling, thank
heavens you're home.
- What's wrong now?
- Oh, it's George.
He's insufferable, he's insulting,
he's boring, he's unmanneredly
and he's unbearable.
- Lover's quarrel?
- He doesn't even
know the meaning of the word love.
I loathe him, I despise him.
Topper darling, on your way
to the bank in the morning,
would you return this to
the millinery shop for me?
- It's right on your way.
- But Marion...
- Well, all you have to do
is put it back in the window.
They probably won't even
know it was missing.
- [Henrietta] Cosmo!
- [dramatic music]
- Cosmo, what is that?
- Erm, a box.
- I could have sworn it was floating.
- For me?
- Yes dear,
- it was floating for you.
- Oh!
Oh, I love a surprise!
Oh Cosmo, it's beautiful!
I never knew you had such
good taste in millinery.
- [George] You know, on her it looks good.
- I'm gonna show it to
Katie, thank you, darling!
- Topper I want my hat back,
get my hat back from Henrietta!
- You asked me to take
it back to the shop.
- Well I've changed my
mind, I want that hat.
- How honey, don't make
any trouble with it,
he's already given it to her as a present.
- And why can't you be like him?
You never bring me presents,
why can't you give me a hat?
- Here.
- But that's my hat.
- It looks better on Marion.
- Oh,
I don't want your old
second-hand presents.
- Oh now do please stop
this childish nonsense.
Hey, where are you going with my hat?
- I'm going out to show it to Katie.
- What?
- [audience laughs]
- Cosmo?
- Yes, dear.
- [yawning] Aren't you tired?
- Yes, dear.
- Why don't you go to bed?
- No thank you, dear.
- I'm not a bit tired.
- [audience laughs]
Besides, I want to see
who committed this m*rder.
- All right dear but
don't stay up too late.
- Oh, it couldn't have been him.
- [audience laughs]
- Good night, dear.
- Please get off my book.
- I'm not on your book.
I'm on your lap. [sighs]
- Well, my book's on my lap.
- Cosmo darling,
- don't argue, I'm unhappy.
- What's the matter?
Have you been squabbling
with George again?
- Topper, he doesn't understand me.
- Well, why don't you go
and explain yourself to him?
- [audience laughs]
- Let me finish my book.
- I know what I'm going to
say would sound shocking
but well, I'm thinking of leaving George.
- Not thinking of
leaving him here, I trust?
- I don't think you realize
how serious this is.
- Oh but I do, oh let's have
no more of this nonsense.
George is your husband,
for better or worse,
for richer or poorer,
until death do you part.
- Oh I know all that but...
- What did you say?
- I didn't say anything.
- You're doing all the talking.
- Until death do us part.
- Topper, George and I...
- [George] Come on, Neil.
Stop wobbling like that, will ya?
- Oh but darling, the
difference in our ages
- means absolutely nothing!
- Marion, darling...
- Topper! Well, I never
would have expected it of you.
- Now look here...
- Man of your age,
reading those trashy
ten cent mystery novels.
What do you think of my lush hound?
Not only kills a bottle of cognac
but tries to play the undertaker, too.
I caught him burying the bottle.
Hey Marion, this dog is
gonna have a monstrous thirst
after all this cognac,
wind out a batch of martini
so he can sort of taper off.
- You and your intoxicated friend
can attend to your own
affairs, Mister Kerby.
- Do we know this woman?
No, well then you go over
and kiss your uncle Topper
and I'll mix a batch of Martini.
[Neil barks]
- Please take this beast away.
- Marion, call him off.
- He's Mister Kerby's dog,
- not mine.
- Hey,
what is all this Mister
Kerby business, honey?
- You will please address
me by my maiden name,
- Miss Cook.
- Miss Cook?
- Marion, what's come over you?
- Until death do us part.
Don't you see Topper, George
and I aren't married anymore.
- We're not?
- This is ridiculous.
- Why, not in the least and I'll thank you
to move out of our room, my room.
- Oh don't thank me, thank you.
- What do you mean?
- So, we're no longer married?
- Now just a moment you two.
- No.
- Splendid, in fact bully,
just answer me one thing:
- Who gets custody of the dog?
- Hm, he's yours.
As a matter of fact, I don't care
if I never see either one of you again.
- Well that's fine, I know somebody
who will be delighted to take us in.
A cute little red-headed ghost.
Met her in the movies one night.
[clears throat]
- Ooh you two-timing,
I've always suspected you.
- Marion, just a minute.
- If you so much as look
- at another ghost, I'll...
- Oh gee,
it's wonderful to be single again.
So many opportunities, no more excuses.
- Ha ha!
- Oh!
- My book!
- George, come back here!
- Cosmo, what's that
book doing in the fire?
- It's burning.
- [audience laughs]
- Yes but why are you burning it?
- I, uh, I, I just finished it.
[audience laughs]
[snoring]
- What are you doing in there?
- I'm trying to sleep.
- That's Henrietta's chest.
- Well I hope I don't have
to sleep here tomorrow night.
- Don't tell me Marion really went
through with all that nonsense?
- She certainly did, she
kicked me out of the room,
insisted that I start
courting her all over again.
Oh, she didn't by any
chance send you up here
- to find me, did she?
- She did not
and I wish you wouldn't drag
me into your domestic quarrels.
Last night, she cost me a mystery novel
that I was dying to
finish, now I've got to
go and buy another copy.
- Cosmo, what am I gonna do?
- Well, you better go
and marry that red-headed spook.
- Oh, I just made her up
to put Marion in her place.
- Yes and look where it's put you.
[laughing]
- What are you laughing at?
- I'm not laughing at you.
- I can't court Marion again.
- Hmm?
- Why not?
- Well I'm a married man!
- [audience laughs]
- At least, I was.
- What are you reading?
- Some letters
from me to Henrietta
when I was courting her.
You know, you could very well
use some of my technique.
- I'd wind up being married to Henrietta.
- You could do worse.
- I did
but somehow I, I love the witch.
- Let me have a look.
- Hey, steady on, George.
- Those letters are personal.
- [laughing]
- What's wrong?
- Henrietta, my own,
when we are apart, everything
seems dark and dank.
- What's the matter with that?
- It's very poetic.
- Marion, my own,
when we're apart, life
seems dark and dank.
No dank you, your technique
won't help me any.
- Not with you, you're
completely insensitive.
- Well, I guess I'll have
to start courting Marion
all over again, I worked it once.
Maybe if I gave her the old
cave man treatment, huh?
And you say I'm insensitive,
oh, oh, brother.
[mysterious music]
- Cosmo, where did that book come from?
- The usual place dear, drug store.
- But you b*rned it.
- This is another copy.
- You mean to say you
bought a second copy?
- Yes, I wanted to see how it ended again.
- I must say, you're not very economical
and you're not very observing, either.
Cosmo, don't you notice
anything different?
- Putting on weight, aren't you?
- Cosmo Topper.
- Yes, dear?
It's the new hat you gave me
- for a present.
- Oh, well,
- wear it in good health, dear.
- Cosmo Topper,
can't you take your nose
out of that book long enough
- to pay me a tiny compliment?
- What did you say, Henrietta?
- I got all dressed up today
and tried to look my best
hoping you'd take me to lunch somewhere.
- Topper, make her give me my hat back.
- Cosmo, wouldn't you like to take me out?
- No, no!
- [audience laughs]
- You needn't be so vehement about it,
I had no idea it would
be so distasteful to you
to spend Saturday
afternoon with your wife.
- Now look what you've done.
- She's perfectly right.
All you husbands ought to learn
to give your wives a lot more attention.
- If you hadn't reached for the hat...
- I hope she makes you suffer.
I hope she finds a
handsome, charming gentleman
- to take her to lunch.
- Preposterous.
- Don't you believe it, look
how I'm making George suffer.
- Oh he's suffering all right and so am I.
- I want to read.
- Topper,
you don't suppose he's serious about that,
- that red-head, do you?
- Oh it's quite possible.
- If I thought...
- If you thought,
if you thought, you'd never
have started this thing,
telling him he's not your husband,
throwing him out of your room.
Cosmo Topper, I never expected
to hear that from you!
Suggesting that I share
my room with a man
who's practically a stranger!
- Oh for pity's sake,
I'm tired of both of you.
- And you needn't take out
your bad temper on Neil.
- What's he doing here?
- He's a very literary dog.
- Always has his nose in a book.
- [audience laughs]
Come Neil, before the nasty man bites you.
- [George] Is Mrs. Kerby home?
That's no way to treat a gentleman caller.
[door bell rings]
- Someone's playing tricks.
- [audience laughs]
- [George] Tell Mrs. Kerby,
Mr. Kerby is calling.
- [Cosmo] What's the matter, Katie?
[whimsical music]
- There's no one at the door.
- Oh that must be George.
- He's coming to court me.
- [door bell rings]
- All right Katie, I'll answer it.
- How do I look?
- You look ravishing.
- Oh why thank you, sir.
- [audience laughs]
- [George] Good afternoon.
- Look at that.
- Rah, rah, rah!
- It was all alone!
- Well, why not, you've
heard of flags flying,
- haven't you?
- Yes.
- Well...
- But I never heard
- of flags ringing.
- [audience laughs]
- Have you a lady living here
by the name of Mrs. Kerby?
- She resides here but she isn't living.
- In there.
- Topper listen,
I have to humor her, she's very serious
about this courting bit,
would you please announce me?
- Very good, sir.
Your college, madam.
- Hiya baby, give daddy a hug!
- Err how do you do, Mr. Kerby?
- Hm, oh, oh, I beg your pardon,
I forgot, you're looking
radiant Mrs. Kerby.
[giggles]
- Oh come now.
- You've met Mr. Topper,
- haven't you?
- Oh Mrs. Kerby's told me
so much about you, all unpleasant.
- All right, well now that you've played
your silly little game,
perhaps you'll go away
- and let me read.
- Topper darling,
the young man and I want to sit in here.
Would you entertain Mr
Kerby while I get my coat?
[playful music]
- Hey, hey what are you up to?
This is the middle of the day!
George, George, what the
deuce are you up to now?
- Oh you don't have to
bother entertaining me! [laughs]
[audience laughs]
- Put on that light.
- What's the matter?
- Did you lose something?
- Yes, my temper!
- Topper, mustn't throw books at dogs.
- Neil, come back here, Neil, Neil!
- My book!
- Where,
- where's Topper?
- Went out to see a dog
- about a book.
- [audience laughs]
[intriguing music]
[giggles]
- Don't you dare!
- What did I do?
- Neil dropped my book
- in the incinerator.
- [audience laughs]
- Where's Marion?
- Marion?
- Marion, where are you?
- [door bell rings]
- If that's no one again,
they're gonna get a piece
- of my mind.
- [audience laughs]
- Where's Mr. Topper?
- Why, why he's, he's...
- [Cosmo] Is that you, dear?
- Oh, you've got company.
- That will be all, Katie.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Well Cosmo,
- I hope you're satisfied.
- I always have been.
Why, what's wrong?
[audience laughs]
- If you'll assist me, Mr. Topper.
- I will explain to my husband.
Cosmo, where did you get this hat?
- At the shop dear, at a hat shop.
- I passed the shop and they
accused me of taking this
from the window, of shop-lifting.
- They didn't bring charges, just asked me
to collect the money, forty-six dollars
- and fifty cents.
- Oh a bargain.
- So you admit you took it!
- I can explain everything, dear.
Here you are officer and
a little something extra
- for your trouble.
- Thanks.
I'm sorry, lady.
- Well Cosmo, I'm waiting
for your explanation.
- Well you see, they told me at the shop
that the hat was a steal and I suppose I,
well I guess I misunderstood them.
[audience laughs]
- You expect me to believe that?
- No, I guess I don't.
- All I can say is,
it's bad enough you're stealing things
but when I get arrested for it.
- Excuse me ma'am but I found
this in the incinerator.
- Katie, put that back, I want
things where I can find them.
- Why it's that book
again, you can't afford
to buy me a hat but you can
buy books and burn them!
- Katie, you can have this hat!
- Why thank you, ma'am.
- Henrietta, Henrietta!
- [door bell rings]
- Ah cut that out!
- [audience laughs]
[intriguing music]
- Oh, oh Marion, Marion!
- For me?
- No, they were for Katie
but as long as you have them,
- you can keep them.
- Well I...
- Won't you come in?
- Thank you.
- Marion, don't you think
I've been courting ya
- long enough now?
- Well now let's see.
You started this afternoon...
- Yes, I think so.
- Oh, lamb chop.
- But wait a minute, you
haven't proposed yet.
- Oh all right, oh all right.
- [audience laughs]
- Marion...
[suspenseful music]
Leave that alone, can't
you see him proposing?
- Marion...
- [audience laughs]
Cut that out!
- [ Marion] Oh, forget about the pillow
and go on with the proposing.
- Well are you or are you
not going to marry me?
- Katie has on my hat!
- What kind of an answer is that?
And pay attention to
me when I'm proposing.
- Well you needn't yell
at me and you could
be a little more romantic, too.
- Oh all right, Marion, I love you.
I've always loved you,
even when we were married.
- Oh George.
- [audience laughs]
- That was beautiful.
- Then you'll marry me?
- No, George.
- Well why not?
- You're too much like my last husband.
[audience laughs]
- Okay, I'll fight back.
- [audience laughs]
- Ask Mister Topper if he'd
care for some more coffee.
- Yes, ma'am.
-Mister Topper sir,
Misses Topper asked me
to ask you if you'd care
for some more coffee.
- Tell Misses Topper no thank you.
- Yes, sir.
Misses Topper, Mister
Topper told me to tell you,
- "No, thank you".
- You may take this away.
- Yes ma'am.
- [audience laughs]
- Excuse me, sir.
- [audience laughs]
- There goes our interpreter.
- [audience laughs]
- I have nothing to say to you.
- Henrietta, aren't you
being a trifle unreasonable?
- After all...
- Me, unreasonable?
You, you hat-stealer,
you book-burner.
- Henrietta!
- Get off my lap, will ya?
- You and your wife
- have got me into a fine mess.
- Me and my wife
have got me in a fine mess, too.
- What have you got there?
- Your love letters.
I've tried everything else on
Marion, maybe this will work.
- I thought you found them revolting?
- I do but I'm desperate.
Henrietta, correction, Marion, my own,
when we're apart, life
seems dark and dank.
- Oh George, that's the
most beautiful thing
you ever said to me.
[upbeat music]
- I forgot my sewing.
Cosmo, what are you
doing with those letters?
- I was just reading them, dear.
- You were?
Oh, Cosmo!
Read them to me.
- Henrietta, my own, when we're apart,
- life seems dark and dank.
- [Marion] Topper, Topper,
- we're gonna be married!
- That's nice.
- Nice?
- [audience laughs]
It's beautiful!
[audience laughs]
- Cosmo, what are you doing?
- [audience laughs]
- I'm feeding the birds, dear.
- They're hungry.
- But the fuse.
- Well that's to keep away the cats,
from the birds.
[audience laughs]
The picture I took of you last week.
- Oh!
Cosmo, who is this?
I repeat Cosmo, who are these people?
- Oh that, that's the
man who developed them
and his wife, they
always put themselves in.
It's their trademark.
[applause]
[lively music]
01x20 - The Proposal
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Series follows a grumpy banker, Cosmo Topper, and the ghosts which only he could see or hear, George and Marion Kerby.
Series follows a grumpy banker, Cosmo Topper, and the ghosts which only he could see or hear, George and Marion Kerby.