10x02 - Dizzy Detectives

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

Left. Right. Halt.

Get the tools.

What tools?

The tools we've been using
for the last years.

Oh, those tools.

Now, let me see.
The door goes on the right.

Right. Wait a minute.

The man said
the door goes on the right.

What's this?

A fist.

[YELLS]

Right or left?

Oh, ignorant, eh?

[YELLS]

Now, listen, grapehead,

I'll explain this so even
you can understand it.

Now, here. Get over here.

Now, when I say go,
we both point to the right.

Go.

Hey, porcupine, come here.

Point to the right
for this chump, will ya?

See?

Get busy. Come on.
Where's the map?

Over there.

Get me a board. Get me a board.

Get me a--

What's keepin' ya?

Make it six inches.

Make it six inches.

Make it six inches.

Get me a saw. A saw.

[MOTOR WHIRRING]

[MOTOR STOPS]

Give it to me.

What happened?

Nothin'.

[YELLS]

Whoo-whoo-whoo...

Shut that door.

[MOANING]

MOE: Help! m*rder!

Where is he? He's in there.

Get me outta here.

[CREAKING]

[SCREAMS]

MOE: Get that door open.

I can't, it's locked.
I ain't got a key.

Get a saw.

[MOTOR WHIRS]

Don't move your head, now.

I'll have you out of this
in a jiffy.

Hurry up.

[MOTOR STOPS]

[MOE SCREAMS]

[CRASH]

What are you doing down there?

Come here.

I think he wants ya.

Both of ya.

Hey, Moe. It was an accident.

It'll never happen again.
I couldn't help it.

[BOTH YELL]

Oh, you only fell feet.
Why are you gettin' sore?

Is that all it was? Yeah.

Ah, well, I'm sorry, fellas.
Ha-ha-ha.

[BOTH YELL]

Why, you rat.

Break it up, break it up.

The inspector wants to see you
down at headquarters.

[IN UNISON] I
didn't do it. He did it.

I saw him. I'll be a witness.

He had the money in his hand.

Relax. You're not under arrest.

The inspector has accepted
your applications.

You mean we're gonna be on
the police force?

Oh, boy. Free apples.

I'll be a man hunter.
A bloodhound.

[BARKS]

MAN: "Mysterious
burglaries panic city.

Police shakeup as ape man
strikes again."

There you are, commissioner.
There it is in black and white.

This ape man is making a monkey
of the police department.

That ox can't call me a monkey.

Shut up, you baboon.

Now, look here, commissioner,

you've got to catch
that ape man.

Just a minute, Mr. Dill.

We're doing the best we can.
As a matter of fact,

we suspect he's not an ape man,
but a real gorilla.

Real gorilla. Bah.

Look here, commissioner,

you've got to catch
that ape man.

And if you don't,
as head of the citizens league,

I'll have to demand
your resignation.

I don't wanna make you
any trouble, my friend,

but this thing
has gone far enough.

As a matter of fact,
it's gone too far.

And something's gotta be done.

But Mr. Dill, give me a chance.

We're trying.

After all, policemen
are only human beings.

You know how the newspapers
build these things up.

I had six phone calls yesterday.

Six calls
from the irate citizens,

demanding action.

And I'm not gonna be the goat.

[SWALLOWS]

But, Mr. Dill, nobody's
asking you to be the goat.

My men will catch this ape man
or gorilla or whatever it is.

[WHISTLE]

[CRASH]

You're supposed to have
an efficient police department,

and yet you can't catch
a third-rate hoodlum

who masquerades as a monkey.

Remember, commissioner,
this is your last chance.

Good night.

But, Mr. Dill, Mr. Dill,

let's understand
each other on this.

That Dill sure had
the chief in a pickle.

I'd like to get
that ape man by the throat.

I'd tear his ears off.
I'd gouge his eyes out.

Shut up, Tarzan, you're all wet.

[HUMS]

How did you know?

[PHONE RINGS]

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Hello ♪
♪ Hello ♪

Hello? Hello? Hello?

[WHISTLES] [YELLS]

[RINGS]

Look out.

Hello?

You say the ape man's
robbing a store? Where?

Yes. The Brooklyn building.

Come on, boys.
The ape man. Let's get him.

Ah, phone. This thing.

[BLOWS]

Whoo-whoo-whoo.

It's locked.

Where's the passkey?

Oh.

I had one.

Yeah.

Which one is the passkey?

Oh, the passkey.

Ha-ha. Come on.

[ALL STAMMER]

Wait a minute.
What are you, cowards?

I'll lead the way. Go ahead.

Ah. I give up. I surrender.

What's the matter with you?

I'm scared. You coward.

What are you scared of?

[ALL YELL]

Calm down. Calm down.

You stand guard
while we frisk the joint.

Me?

You.

Me.

I'll lead the way. Go ahead.

I'm not afraid. I'm not scared.

Why should I be afraid?

Babies are afraid.

I'm no baby.

[WHIMPERS]

How could anything happen?
I'm not scared.

[CAT SCREECHES]

[SCREECHES]

[YELLS]

Hey, Moe. Hey, Larry.

What's the matter?
A woman. She screamed.

She clawed me on the leg.

Is that bad?

Is she pretty?

I mean, where is she?

Come on.
Show her to us, come on.

[WHISTLES]

Where are you going? Come on.

Oh, do I have to?
Yes, you gotta.

Oh, please.

She's in here.
She scratched me on the leg.

What woman? Where?

Well, I didn't see her,
but I could swear--

That's a bad habit.

You stand guard while we search
the rest of the room.

Where's your g*n? g*n?

Oh, the landlady's baby
was crying,

so I gave it to the baby
to play with.

[GROWLING]

Here, take my g*n.

Maybe it'll give you
some courage.

Now, listen,
you see that front door?

Well, keep your eyes
glued to it.

Don't let anybody come in,
don't let anybody come out.

You get it, don't ya?

All right.

Now, no more
of your screwy ideas.

There's no dead woman in here.

[BOTH WHIMPERING]

Ah. See? I told ya.

Wait a minute.

That woman's a dummy, like you.

Don't do that.

[GROWLS]

You coward.
A dummy can't hurt ya.

[YELLS]

Say. For a dummy,
she sure gets around.

There's something rotten
in Denmark,

and we're gonna find it.

Oh, boy. We're going to Denmark.

We are searching for more clues.

And don't disturb us.

Wait a minute.
I don't trust her.

Don't be yellow.

You don't have to be afraid
with that g*n.

g*n? Oh. Is it loaded?
[g*n COCKS]

Okay. But hurry back.

Right.

I'll lead the way. Get goin'.

[WHIMPERS]

[SINGING]

[SCREECHES]

[SCREAMS]

[WHIMPERS]

[g*nsh*t] [YELLS]

What happened?

I'm dying,
and you start a quiz program.

Shut up and start talkin'.

Remember my big toe? Yeah.

sh*t off. Almost.

Next time you handle a g*n,
sh**t yourself in the head.

I'll make a note of it.
How do you spell head?

B-o-n-e head.

[YELLS]

Oh, look.

Why, y--

It's that crook.
And he's wearin' a fur coat.

Come on.

[ROARS]

[ALL YELL]

Stick 'em up, ape man.

We got you covered.

[MOANS]

Hey, fellas, look.

No human is strong enough
to bend a g*n barrel like that.

It's real.
A real chimeny-panzee.

That's no chimp, you chump.
That's a gorilla.

[ALL YELL]

[ROARS]

[ALL YELL]

[WHISTLES]

Boy. We've sure been running.

Yeah. As soon as
we get our breath,

we're sure gonna run some more.

All the way home. Shh.

Bonzo. Bonzo.

Where is that
ape of yours anyway?

He's been up here for an hour.
He's here somewhere, Mr. Dill.

But you've got to remember,

that gorilla was trained
for a circus.

This robbing business
is new to him.

Yeah. Well, this will be
the last haul for a while.

You gotta lay off until
I get the commissioner fired.

And when I become
the police commissioner,

we'll really go to town.

How do you like that?

Dill's been usin' this job
as a front.

He's really a crook.

Come on. We'll get him.

He must be in the storeroom.

ALL: Stick 'em up.

We got ya.

One phony move, Mr. dill pickle,

and I'll sh**t.

[STAMMERING]

Wait a minute.
This is gettin' monotonous.

Oh, monotonous, eh?

[YELLS]

That's different. You see that?

Yeah. [YELLS]

Why, you.

[THUD]

[BANGING]

[WHINES]

[BARKS]

[YELLS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[WHINES]

Get him, Moe. Get him, Moe.

Get him.

[WHINES]

Roll him over, Moe.

I'll crown that dill pickle.

[MOE YELLS]

[STAMMERS]

[BLOWS]

Hey, fellas. I did it. I did it.

Call the wagon.

Success.

I'm poisoned.

[YELLS] Listen, you.

[ROARS]

Ah! The gorilla.

Don't be scared.
Don't be scared.

Just run!

Quick, the box.

[GROWLS]

This ought to lift it.

Moe. What happened? Speak to me.

Hey, Moe. Hey, Larry.

I cut my head off. I'm dead.

Nail my head on.
I don't wanna be dead.

There's no future in it.

How can I be dead? I'm talkin'.

That's a coincidence.

Oh... You all right?

Curly. [SCREAMS]

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Rubber. I knew it all the time.

[BARKING]

[WHINES]

[ALL STAMMER]

Oh. Ha-ha.

[ROARS]

[STAMMERS]

Wait a minute.
I've had enough of him too.

Spread out.

[WHINING]

Boy. We got the ape man.

What do you mean, we? I got him.

[BARKS]

[ROARS]

[ALL STAMMER]

[♪]