11x05 - Gents Without Cents

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

We'll pick it up again
from Page .

Aha!

LARRY & MOE: Slowly we turn.

Step by step,

inch by inch.

[TAPPING UPSTAIRS]

There it goes again
for the fifth time!

Aargh!

The minute we get to that
"inch by inch" line,

something always happens.

[GROWLS]

That's the last straw!

Come on. We're going upstairs
and k*ll those guys.

They've been ruining
our rehearsals. Let's go.

You said it. Why, I'll
get up there and I'll--

Ooh! And I'll--

See that?

Ow! Mmm! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

See that? Go on!

Oh!

Come on. Hm-hm!

Ohh! Ooh.

Where are you?

[UPBEAT SWING MUSIC
PLAYING INSIDE APARTMENT]

This is it.
I'll show those mugs.

Let me at 'em.
Quiet. I'll handle this.

I'll break their necks,
I'll bash their noses in.

And if there's a big,
muscular guy in there,

you handle him. Nyah-ah.

Come on.

[UPBEAT SWING MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO]

[TAPPING FEET]

Gee, that's a swell number.

I wonder what the name of it is.

I don't know.

[GROANS]

Ooh!

[WOMEN GASP]

Who are you, and what
are you doing here?

Well... we came up
to break your neck.

WOMEN: Oh, yeah?

Wait a minute.
That's before we saw you.

You see, we live
in the room below.

We was rehearsing our act.
But you were dancing and--

The chandelier
hit me in the head.

Oh, what an awful lump. Hm.

That's no lump, that's my head.

Heh-heh-heh. Oh. We're sorry.

I'm glad. Otherwise,
we wouldn't have met.

Ha-ha. I'm Moe.

I'm Larry. I'm Curly.

[ALL GIGGLE]

That's funny.
Moe, Larry and Curly,

meet Flo, Mary and Shirley.

[ALL CHATTERING]

Oh, boy!

Somebody's gonna get married.

I hope.

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[BLOWS, WHEEZES]

So you boys are actors?

What kind of an act do you do?

Oh, a sort of a kind of
our own like.

It's very dramatic.

Yeah, there's a lot of
talk goes on ahead.

But there's one spot that
has to be timed just right.

It's the most important
thing in the act.

We'll show you. Come on, boys.

Start on Page . Page .

LARRY & MOE: Ah!

Slowly we turned.

Step by step...

inch by inch.

[YELLS]

[SPITS]

You numskull.

Yeah, if we ever get past
that "inch by inch" line,

maybe this act
would be something.

What are you
sitting in there for?

So it shouldn't be a total
loss, I'm taking a bath.

A bath. Yeah.

Move over. Yeah.

We'll all take a bath.
Get on the other side.

All right, all right.

Give me the soap, kid.

I got it.

[LAUGHS] Here, here, here, here.

Give me the other brush.

Loosely.

[EXHALES]

Come on over here.

Hey, you wanna
scrub my back too?

Yeah.
Scrub mine, and I'll do yours.

[WHINING]

The back, the back.
Not the head. The back.

[MOANING]

What is that, a seal?

[MOANING]

Ack!

[WHINING]

[PIANO PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]

ALL: ♪ We didn't come
to borrow Any money ♪

♪ We didn't come to borrow
Any dough ♪

♪ We didn't come to borrow
Any trouble ♪

♪ We just stopped in to say
Hello ♪

♪ Oh ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ Oh ♪

♪ Hello to you, Mr. Manny ♪

♪ Please don't think that
We are hammy ♪

♪ We just stopped in
From Alabammy ♪

♪ We dropped in to say Hello ♪

♪ Oh, boy You said it ♪

ALL: ♪ We just
stopped in to say Hello ♪

♪ And don't forget it ♪

ALL: ♪ We just
stopped in to say Hello ♪

♪ And I-- ♪
Mmph!

MOE & LARRY: ♪
Hello-ohh-ohh-ohh-Ohh-ohh-ohh ♪

Hello.

Goodbye!

Now, don't be hasty, Mr. Manny.

The best is yet to come.

[PIANO PLAYING DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ This is a sad Sad story ♪

BOTH: Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

♪ Of a boy in all His glory ♪

BOTH: Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

♪ He could ♪

ALL: ♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo
Day, day ♪

♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo Day, hey ♪

♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo
Danny Kaye ♪

♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo A ♪

♪ Rom-bay Rom-bay, rom-bay ♪

R-- Bay rum.

ALL: ♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo
Day, day ♪

♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo Hey, hey ♪

♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo Day, day ♪

[ASIAN ACCENT] So sorry, please.

b*mb Tokyo. Oh, my.

ALL: ♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo
Day, day ♪

♪ Rat-tat-toodle
And push 'em on ♪

♪ Rat-tat-toodle
And push 'em up ♪

♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo Day, day ♪

♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo Day, day ♪

♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo Day, day ♪

♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo Jawohl ♪

♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo Jawohl ♪

♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo Jawohl ♪

Ah! Gewalt! Invasion!

ALL: ♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo Hey, hey ♪

♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo Hey, hey ♪

♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo Hey, hey ♪

♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo Hey, hey ♪

♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo Hey, hey ♪

♪ Rat-tat-toodle-loo Hey, hey ♪

Oh! Spread out!

Now comes the climax.

Aha!

BOTH: Slowly I turned.

Rat-tat-toodle-loo, day, day.

Step by step, inch by inch, I--

[CRASH] Not like that.

[CHILDISH VOICE] I fall down.

[GIGGLES]

You idiot, you. Mmm!

Now you have to grab the act.

[GRUNTING]

I couldn't help it. I slipped.
Mm-hm.

Look, we're sorry, Mr. Manny.

Ohh!

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.

Why, you-- Ow!

Yow!

See that?

Aah-ha-oh! Get out of here, you.

I'll strangle you.
Don't do that.

Hey, break it up. Break it up!

We're sorry, Mr. Weeks.

You see, every time this dumb--
Mr. Weeks.

Your show goes on in a half
an hour at the shipyards.

We'll have to hurry to make it.

Thank you. Call my car.

I'll be right with you.
Yes, sir.

Sorry, I have to hurry
down to the shipyards.

Better see me some other time.

Mr. Weeks. Why can't we go
into that show at the shipyard?

We'll slay 'em.

We'll k*ll 'em.
We'll annihilate 'em.

Okay. I'll give you a chance.

But you better be good.

We're on our way
to the shipyards. Thanks.

Oh, boy! Shipyard
special, all aboard!

[IMITATING TRAIN ENGINE]

CURLY: Whoo-whoo.

Whoo-whoo.

Bye.

[IMITATES TRAIN WHISTLE]

MOE: Come on!

Whoo! Nyah-ah-ah!

[SHIP HORNS HONKING]

[CROWD CHATTERING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hm.

Hi, pal.

You call me pal?

Why, I haven't heard
that word for years.

You know, bub, I was
once a tramp like you.

Oh, congratulations.

Ah, but it wasn't always thus.

I can look back
to the days of yore

when I was a very happy
married man.

And one day that rat came
and destroyed forever

all the happiness
I'd ever known.

I'll never forget that day.

I just came home from
the graveyard shift.

And there was the note
on her pillow.

What did it say?

Oh, it was one of
those cold-blooded notes.

"Dear Moe, I'm running
away with Larry."

I was obsessed with
the idea that I must find him.

The trail led me to Pittsburgh.

I found that I had missed him
by three days when I got there.

And I swore right there
in Pittsburgh

I'd find him
and have my revenge.

Now on with the chase.

Miami, Dallas, New Orleans.

And then I came face to face

with the rat that
had ruined my life.

It was in Niagara Falls.

Niagara Falls!

Slowly I turned.

And step by step, inch by inch,

I walked up to him
and I smashed him,

I hit him, I bopped him
like that!

I tore him to pieces,

and I knocked him down!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Oh! Oh, take it easy, buddy.

Take it easy. Excuse me, kid.

It's that word, "Niagara Falls."
Every time I hear it,

it tears me apart.

Yeah, it don't do me
any good either.

Ungrateful, that's what it is.

How do you like a guy like that?

I say, "Hello, pal,"
sort of friendly,

and just because I say
"Niagara Falls" --

Niagara Falls!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!
Don't do that!

Slowly I turned.

Please, no.

And step by step...

Mm! ...inch by inch.

No, please, no.

I slapped him, I bopped him,

I hit him, I-- Aah!

And then I-- Oh!

And I knocked him down! Aah!

[WHIMPERING]

Take it easy, pal.
Please, take it easy now.

Oh, oh, it's that woman.
I'll k*ll her.

And him. Blood?

Yes! Yaah!

Rivers of blood! Pools of blood!

Ah-ha-ha-ha! The blood!

[LAUGHS]

Mmm.

Oof!

Pardon me, pal.

Did you call me pal?

Nyah-aah!

It's been a long time since
I heard the word "pal."

You too? Haven't you got
any friends either?

That's what I was
coming to, the dirty rat.

He tried to
take her away from me.

Ah! But he couldn't
get away with it.

So he trailed me. To Pittsburgh?

Yes. Aah-aah-aah.

Then to Miami,
New Orleans and Dallas?

Yes, yes! Nyah-ah-ah!

Well, how did you know?!

You'd be surprised. Nyuck,
nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

And then he caught you
in Niagara Falls.

Niagara Falls!

[WHIMPERS]

Slowly I turned.

Step by step. Please.

Not that. No, don't.
Inc by inch.

And I picked him up.
I slapped him.

And then there, there. Oh!

Then I ripped his shirt.
And then I knocked him down.

Ohh! What have I done?

Blood. The judge.

Blood!

You!

Ah, there you are, Larry.

Why, you... I...

BOTH: Hi, pal.

Ha-ha-ha. I almost

caught up with you
in Pittsburgh.

Go ahead. Tell him
where you found him.

Forget it. It's past history.

Why, you cowards.

You're afraid to say
"Niagara Falls."

BOTH: Niagara Falls!

[BARKS] Aah-ah-ah!

BOTH: Slowly I turned.

Inch by inch. And step by step.

BOTH: Inch by inch...

[WHIMPERS] ...we met-- Stop him.

[BAND PLAYING FANFARE, APPLAUSE]

Oh, gee. Weren't they swell?

They certainly were.

Boy, they were terrific.

Mr. Weeks, this wire just
arrived. It's very important.

"Car broke down. Unable
to make show today.

Sorry. Castor and Earle Revue."

Well, Mr. Weeks?
What do you say?

Boys, I'm in trouble.
My show won't be here today.

And how am I gonna get some
entertainment for these people?

Don't worry. We've got
plenty of material.

We'll all go on.
Yeah, we'll dance.

Certainly. We'll
give them a show.

Okay. Go to it.
Let's go, everybody.

Oof!

What's the matter with you?

[WHINING]

[BAND PLAYING
UPBEAT SWING MUSIC]

[BAND PLAYING ENERGETIC MUSIC]

[APPLAUDING]

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[BAND PLAYING FANFARE]

[BAND PLAYING m*llitary MUSIC]

[BUGLE PLAYING FANFARE]

[ALL SNORING]

[LARRY MUTTERING]

Attention.

At ease. Listen, men.

I need a volunteer
for a dangerous mission.

This mission is
extremely important,

but it's -to- the volunteer
won't come back.

Ah. Now, if there's
a man among you

that is ready to lay down
his life for his country,

step forward.

Thank you, my boy.

Thank you for what, sir?

For dying for your country.
[GROANS]

Now take this message
to Major Stormer.

You'll find him on Hill .

Now, you go through
Skeleton Pass,

over m*rder Meadow
to m*ssacre Junction.

Then you'll follow the trail
to Poison Creek,

around Funeral Mountain,

and head directly
for Dead Man's Gulch.

Now saddle a horse
and get underway.

Yes, sir.

The colonel had let me,
I'd have gone myself.

[BAND PLAYING DRAMATIC MUSIC]

He's off. [HORSE GALLOPING]

There he goes.
He's in enemy territory.

[b*ll*ts f*ring] He's
crossing no man's land.

Look at him ride through
a hail of b*ll*ts.

Oh, no. He's down.

They got him.

No, his horse is getting up now.

He's up. Look at him
ride like the wind.

He's riding! He's riding!

He's riding! He's riding!

Hey, fellas. How do
you saddle a horse?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Ah, boys. You were swell. Swell.

You're in my new Broadway show.

Meet me in my New York
office tomorrow.

Oh, boy. Broadway. New York.

Well, girls, it was
nice knowing you.

See you again sometime.

WOMEN: Oh, yeah?

[STOOGES GRUNT]

[HORN HONKING]

[SIGHS]

Hey, where are we? I don't know.

Well, get out of
the car and find out.

[GRUNTS]

I'll go too.

Where are we, dear? Goslow.

"Goslow?"

Silly. It says "go slow."

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Hey. What did that sign say?

Twenty-five miles
to Niagara Falls.

ALL: Niagara Falls!

Ah-ah-ah-ah!
Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

ALL: Slowly we turned.

Aah-aah-aah!

D-- Don't do that. No, not that.

ALL: Step by step. Nyah!

Inch by inch.

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!
Whoo-whoo-whoo!

[♪]