25x01 - Quiz Whizz (1958)

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Hello ♪

STOOGES:
Hello.

[♪♪♪]

The headlines are out.
He won the money last night.

Why didn't he come home?

I can't figure out
how he ever answered

five questions correctly.

It was all about food,
wasn't it?

If it's one thing
he knows, it's food.

He's always eating.

But where is he?

He's gotta split that money
with us three ways.

We financed him.
Yeah.

Hey.

Maybe he ran out on us.

Oh, yeah. Maybe.

Oh, no.
No, no, no.

Oh! Oh, Larry.

Pour me some water.

I'm too nervous.
Wait a minute. Here.

[GARGLES]

[SPUTTERS]

I was just thinking.
Maybe he was held up.

He may even be laying
in an alley somewhere

bleeding to death.

Oh, poor Joe.

I better call
the police department.

I'll get some coffee
to quiet our nerves.

Hello, police department?

I want to report a holdup.

And a m*rder.

The victim's name?
Joe Besser.

Good morning, Moe.

Good morning.

Uh, description?

Well, he's about
pounds.

Height?
About ' " by ' ".

Color of hair?

Skin.

He was wearing a--
Never mind! He's here!

Why didn't you tell us
you were here?

Ooh, I'm no snitch.

Larry, Joe is here.

Hey, Joe,
let's see the check.

What check?
I haven't gotten the check.

Don't tell me you cashed it.

Oh, what do you think,
I'm an idiot or something?

Of course
I didn't cash it.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

He didn't cash it.

Of course not.
I invested it.

Joe, don't tell me.
You bought the Brooklyn Bridge.

Certainly not.

[SIGHS]

That was sold last week.

[FRAGMENT CLINKS]

I invested all our money

in consolidated Fujiyama
California smog bags.

Filled with smog.

Oh, consolidated Fujiyama
California sm-- Smog bags!

Why, you idiot,
you let them gyp you!

Not so loud!

I ought to blow the brains
out of your empty skull.

No, Moe,
are you crazy?

You can't sh**t him here.

We could never dispose
of that body.

You're right.

Never mind,
I want to get him anyhow!

Wait--

Oh, look what you did.

You, uh-- Ought to give
you the hot face,

that's what I'll do.
[BANGING ON DOOR]

MAN:
Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, who's that?

Call your sh*ts, will you?
Who are you?

J.J. Bigby's the name.

Bureau of Internal Revenue.

Income tax to you.

Which one of you won
that $ , ?

STOOGES:
He did.

The government would like
a check from you for $ .

Uh, well, how about
cents on the count?

Yeah, on account
of that's all we've got.

No levity, please.

If payment is not
immediately forthcoming,

we will be forced to--
Oh, wait, wait.

We'll bring it to you
in person.

Plus $ for a new hat.

Here, never mind.

Have mine.

It doesn't fit.

Oh, it looks perfect.

Sure.
I can't see.

Well, rent yourself
a seeing eye dog.

Now, we gotta get our money
back from that stock swindler.

Tell us about him.

Well, his name
is John Smith.

Don't tell me he introduced
you to Pocahontas.

Somebody told you.

Quiet.
Now, where is this John Smith?

In his office next door
to a barbecue pit.

Hey, does barbecues
have pits?

No.

What are you hitting me for?

I didn't say it,
he said it.

Quiet--

Oh, you said it.
No. No, I didn't--

[MOUTHING WORDS]
Yes?

Incidentally,
do barbecue have pits?

Quiet.

We gotta find
that Smith guy.

Come on.

Wait there.

Come on.

Come on.

There it is.

"G.Y. Prince.
R.O. Broad."

"G-Y-P."

"Gyp. Rob."

What'd you expect?

Ooh.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

JOE:
Open up. It's Joe Besser.

It's the fat guy
I sold the stocks to.

We've got to let him in.

Put on your disguise
so they won't recognize you.

[DOORKNOB RATTLING]

MOE:
Come on, open up!

Okay, let them in.

That crook
won't let us in.

Let's break
the door down.

Good idea.

Ready, set, go!

STOOGES:
Whoa!

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Where is John Smith?

We threw that crook out.

Yes, he gypped some poor man
of his TV winnings last night.

So we fired him.

Yeah, we're the guys
he gypped.

Let's go to the police.

We'll have them
catch that crook.

Wait a minute, boys.

You look like nice fellows.

So we're going
to take care of you.

Oh, boy. They're going
to take care of us.

Yes. There's an eccentric
old millionaire

who's very lonely.

He would like to adopt
some nice boys.

His name is Montgomery
M. Montgomery.

Oh, boy.
We'll be Montgomery's wards.

Correct. Now, here's all
you have to do.

Now, we'll make
all the arrangements...

Yes, G.Y.

I've canceled our opera tickets
and I understand.

I'm supposed
to adopt them.

Correct. And then, of course,
give them the usual treatment.

Oh, have no trepidations.

You can rely on me.

Dead men tell no tales, eh?

[LAUGHS]

Goodbye.

New customers, eh?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'm Mr. Montgomery's
secretary.

STOOGES:
Hello.

What nice boys.

You're not so bad
yourself.

Catch.

Remember,
you're supposed to be a kid.

So I'm a juvenile
delinquent.

Yeah. Get out of here, you.

[CRIES]

What's the matter?

He hit me
on my little cheek.

Oh, Lisa will kiss it.

And here too.

[SNIFFLES]

[NOSE HONKS]

Now everything is fine.

Come on.

♪ Do-do-do, do-do-do
Do-do-do ♪

♪ Do-do-do, do-do-do ♪

Why, you must be
my new boys.

STOOGES:
Yes, Daddy.

Well, well,
I have some nice toys for you.

I don't like toys.

I like money!

Yeah, folding money.

Well, you shall have some.

Ooh, goody, goody.

This I like.
This I like.

Yes, I don't
blame you.

Oh, boy.

Havana. A clear Havana.

[SNIFFS]
Havana?

Oh, he doesn't
smoke them.

Oh, no, I don't
smoke them.

He eats them like candy.

Yeah, I eat them
like candy.

Go on, eat the nice cigar,
Joey-woey.

But I don't wanna.

You have to coax him,
Daddy.

He's bashful.

Go on, eat that
or I'll brain you.

You ain't gonna crab
this act.

But I don't wanna.

Oh, I see.

Uh, never mind, Joey-woey.

Come with me.

Mm.

Now, sit on Daddy's knee.

[CHUCKLES]

Is Joey hungry?
Always.

Well, then,
eat your nice cigar.

But I don't wan--

[SCREAMS]

[SNORTS]

Good, huh?

[CROAKING AND COUGHING]

Oh, now, chew it up good,
Joey,

so you don't get
indigestion.

[GULPS]

[COUGHS]

[JOE GROANS]

How would you like
to play a game?

Exactly what I was thinking.

[IMITATES DOG BARKING]

How about Post Office?

Oh, that's a kid's game.

Not the way I play it.

Let's play
Blind Man's Bluff.

You kids blindfold
yourselves.

BOTH:
Oh, sure.

Oh, boy.

Hee-hoo.

All right. Ready.

Right.

Come on.
Follow me.

All right.

First one catches you
gets a kiss.

LISA:
Right.

[COUGHS]

Oh, look.

April Fool.

See? I ate it all up.

See?
Eat the rest of it.

I'll catch you.
So will I.

Come on.

[BOTH SNICKERING]

BOTH:
Ah!

I'm poisoned!

Get out of here!
Oh!

I'll knock your head off.
Boys, boys, boys.

Oh.

Come on.
Follow me.

Over here.

Where are you?
Hi, there.

Oh.

[LARRY SCREAMS]
[CRASHING]

Am I getting close?
Mighty close.

Oh, goody, goody.

Turn around.

A rope. A rope.

Oh.

[WHIMPERING]

Oh, no, Joey.
There's no more cigars in there.

I'll get you another one,
all right?

[GULPS]

[GROANS]

[GULPS]

[BOTH GROANING]

Hey, what's the idea
of conking me?

I didn't do it.

You didn't?

Hey, I smell a rat.

Yeah, a beautiful
blond one.

She conked us.

Let's get Joe
and get out of here.

[LIQUID GLUGGING]

[SPITS]

Ouch!

Go away,
you crazy you!

Ooh!

Come on. We're leaving.

We're leaving.
Come on.

Oh!

Moe.

[COUGHS]
Come on, get out of here.

They're trying to k*ll us.
k*ll us? Oh!

You should never
have hit them with that bat.

That would never
k*ll them.

But the rat poison will.

Be sure to pour plenty in.

Right.

They must be stiff
as planks

when Prince and Broad
arrive to claim the bodies.

They're murderers.
Let's get out of here.

Keep an eye
on the door.

[STOOGES SCREAM]

Wait a minute!
You rats.

You thought you were
gonna get us bumped off, eh?

You said it!

[STOOGES SCREAM]

And this time
we won't miss.

Hey, don't move any further
or I'll let you have it!

[LAUGHS]

Lay that p*stol down, man.

Okay, you asked for it.

[POPS]

STOOGES:
Ah!

Let's get them!
No, no!

Oh!

Oh...

[SCREAMS]

[MOE SPUTTERING]

[SCREAMS]

Oh!

Hm.

Get them, boys.

Oh, no, no!
Don't, don't, don't!

Please don't!
Give!

[BOTH SCREAM]

A bull's-eye.
Come on.

Club them, Joe.

Good work, boy.
Keep an eye on them.

Now let's get
these K*llers

[SCREAMS]

[WAILS]

All right, you.
You're--

You're coming to jail
with me.

Hey.

That's John Smith,
the crook!

Hey, Moe, Larry!

Larry, Moe!

What is it?
That's the crook that gypped me.

Hey, we got our money back.
Fifteen thousand dollars.

Oh, boy, a check!

Give me that check!
Before we lose it,

I'm gonna divide it up the way
it's supposed to be done.

That's fair enough.
Here's your share.

Here's your share,
and this is my share.

Hey, wait a minute.

Give me the income taxes.

At last
we're in the dough!

♪ Oh, at last
We're in the dough ♪

♪ At last we're in the dough ♪

♪ We're in the dough
Hi-hee, hi-ho ♪

♪ At last we're in the dough ♪

Oh!
What's the matter?

We tore up the check!
Oh!

Give me some glue!
Yeah, here, here.

[♪♪♪]