22x07 - Hot Ice

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

[HORNS HONKING]

Pardon, inspector.

There are three chaps outside

insisting upon an interview.

Very well, Dawson.
Show them in.

Yes, sir.

[ALL SPEAKING AT ONCE]

Ah, well.

Good morning.

STOOGES:
Good morning.

And what can I do
for you gentlemen?

Oh, before we answer that,

I want to prove
we're not gentlemen.

Oh.

[SCREAMS]

Oh.

Gimme my lip, will you.

Ah.

Fooled you, didn't we?

Now, if you don't
mind explaining.

We're first class
detectives, inspector.

We came to answer your ad.

Ad?
Yes, here it is.

"Wanted: experienced yardmen.

Apply: Inspector McCormick,
Scotland Yard."

That's you, isn't it?
Yes, but I'm afraid

you don't understand.

[LARRY AND SHEMP
SPEAKING AT ONCE]

Recede.

A- Correspondent
School of Detectin'.

Oh, yes, mail order detectives.

I'll give you your chance.

STOOGES:
Oh, boy.

Your assignment is to locate
some missing papers.

STOOGES:
Missing papers.

If the papers are missing,
they must be missing.

We must locate
the missing papers.

Locate missing papers.

Fine detectives
we turned out to be.

This is humiliating.

BOTH:
Oh.

Quit squawking, you guys.

Don't you know
if we do a good job

they might promote us
to be detectives?

Now, carry on.
Get busy.

Ow.

I'll see that Inspector
McCormick gets the message.

Thank you.

Hey, you nitwit,
we're in a hurry.

Use the big clippers.

If there's anymore paper
in this yard, I'll eat it.

Here comes your lunch.

Hey, Shemp.
Hey, Larry.

Come here.
Look at this.

"To Inspector McCormick:
Headquarters advises

"that an American named
Dapper may have connection

"with the theft
of the Punjab Diamond.

"He hangs around McGuffy's hotel

and café on Bleak Street.
Signed, Dawson."

What a break.
Just what we need.

I don't get it.

What do we got to do
with the Punjab Diamond?

Didn't you read in the newspaper

that it was stolen
from the museum yesterday?

Sure and if we get
it back, we're in.

Great. Let's pay this
Dapper guy a visit.

We'll clean up this case
like we cleaned up this yard.

Clean as a whistle.
Come on, let's blow.

Ha-ha.
Not bad.

Not good.

Get the bag.

Get the bag.

Get the...

Hey, fellas, wait for me.
Wait for me.

The Punjab diamond, kiddies.

Fourth largest diamond
in the world.

And it's all ours.

What a hunk of ice.

Yeah, hot ice, baby.

Hotter than a lid
of a pot bellied stove.

And now we'll collect
the ransom money

from the circus for the gorilla
we kidnapped from them.

Then we'll have passage money

to take us and this
hot ice to America.

Well, you all know what to do,
so let's get going.

Take care of this, baby.
Let's go.

[SNORTS]

Here you are Harold, old boy.

Supper.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Boy, what a dive.

I wonder which one
of these guys is Dapper.

Nobody looks Dapper in here.

We'll snoop around the joint
till we find him.

Anybody wants to turn back,
now's the time.

Oh, deserters, eh?

Come on, boys.
Put on the bold front.

Hey, fellas.
Come here.

That dame looks
suspicious to me.

Let's investigate.

It's liquor.

She's getting shicker.

I'll do it quicker.

Watch your P's and Q's.

What goes on here?

Sorry, ma'am, we're detectives

looking for a guy called Dapper.

Ain't never heard of him.

Oh, yeah?

Hey. She might
be Dapper's girlfriend.

Yeah, she could have the diamond
hidden in that purse.

Let's look.

'ere, 'ere!

Sorry, ma'am.
We gotta get the facts, ma'am.

[BLOWS]

No diamond.

Nope, she's as clean
as a hound's tooth.

Sorry, lady.

That's okay, fellas.

STOOGES:
Oh.

Hey, come on.
We still gotta find Dapper.

Yeah, we're... Hey.

How about those
blokes over there?

Hey.

Are you Dapper?

LARRY:
Are you?

Ow.

Uh-uh.
Glasses.

Yeah, you can't hit a man
with glasses. Come on.

Oh.
Here.

Boss. The cops are heading
for the back room.

Don't lose your head.

Examine this room carefully.

We got to get to the heart
of this case.

Right, doctor.

What do you hear?

Termites.
Good.

Establish the time.

What does your watch say?

Tick, tick, tick,
tick, tick, tick, tick.

No, no, no, Moe.

Oh.

Step aside.

I'll find a clue.
I hope.

Hm.

Hm.

Wait a minute, Moe.

Why didn't you tell me
I left it open?

Sorry, Moe.
You left the drawer open.

Oh.

Very observant.
Thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh.
Get out. Get out of here.

Oh.
Hey, come on.

MOE:
Search it.

Nobody there.

Nobody there.

Nobody there.

[ALL CRY OUT]

LARRY:
Oh-Oh.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Nobody home here.

Nobody home here either.

Boy, was I mistaken.

Just a minute.
How dare you.

Take it easy, sister.

We're looking for
a guy named Dapper.

Dapper. I never heard of him.
I'm all alone.

Good. I mean,
we'll check on that.

Look everywhere, men.

Keep your mind on your business.

You too.

Use a fine-tooth comb.

I haven't got a comb.

Will a wire brush do?

Why fine.

Oh. Oh.

Ah.

Hey, fellas.
Hey, fellas, look.

"D," that stands for Dapper.

That's my cigarette case.

Just a minute.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, boy. Evidence.
Let's weigh it.

Let's smoke it.

Quiet. Sister,
you ain't fooling nobody.

We're camping right here
till Dapper shows up.

[SIGHS]

BEA:
He-He thinks I'm lying.

Oh, I feel so awful.

I've never been
in trouble before.

With oranges, it's much harder.

[CLANKS]

[BURPS]

[CHOKING]

[FAINTS]

She's fainted.
Fellas, help.

Do something.
Look out.

Get some water, quick.

What happened, kid?

She must have got
a good look at you.

Come on, sister.
Here's the water.

Oh, thanks.

How do you like that?

You all right, kid?

Oh, yes, it's just
that you policemen

frightened me so.

But we ain't
real policemen, lady.

We only graduated
from detective school.

LARRY:
And if we catch the crook
who stole the Punjab diamond

we're sitting pretty.

Right. And this is our
first assignment.

And your last.

STOOGES:
Oh.

Muscles!
Dapper!

Detective school, huh?

Yeah, and this nitwit
swallowed the diamond.

Me?
That last mint was it.

Okay, stupid,

I'll give you three minutes
to get that diamond back

or we'll cut it out you.

No, no.
No, no.

Give it to him, you fool.

Yeah, you want him to slice
you open like a dead fish.

No, no.
I'll try to get it back.

Hope I didn't digest it.

[COUGHS]

[GIBBERING]

Come on, you.
Oh.

Oh.
Oh.

SHEMP:
Oh. Oh.

Wait a minute.

We ain't getting no place.

He's just being stubborn.

I got a better idea.
Oh.

Now, you're getting smart.

Open your mouth.

[FINGERS CRUNCH]
[CRIES OUT]

Why you... Oh.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh.

Must be caught on something.

LARRY:
Maybe it's his appendix.

We'll soon find out.

You got a longer one
of these things?

Oh.

Come on, come on.

Wait a minute.

[GRUNTING]

Not even a tonsil.

And now I'll try.

Gentlemen, I, uh... I think
this calls for an operation.

No, no, not that.

Sorry, boys.
This way.

Right in there.

Thanks, darling.
You better wait outside.

This is no place
for a weak stomach.

Hey, they're k*lling him.
We gotta get outta here.

Please, cut it out.
Cut it out,

that's just what we're doing.

SHEMP:
Ah.

We're trapped like rats.

Speak for yourself.

Oh, oh.

MOE:
Oh, boy.
Where did you get the tools?

On the head.
Good...

A saw.
A turner-arounder.

We'll go out that way
and call the cops. Get busy.

Right.

Okay, out of the way.

Ooh.
Pardon me.

Get outta my way, will you?

[SNORTS]

You go ahead.

I'll take a w*apon.

Right.

[SCREAMS]

Oh.

Moe, there's a...

Quiet.
There's...

There's a big thing... Listen.

Listen, you.
Yeah?

You're afraid to go by yourself?

Yeah.
All right,

then I'll take you
by the hand, little boy.

[SNORTING]

MOE: Come on.
LARRY: But Moe.

LARRY: You gotta listen to me.
Come on.

How do you like this guy?
Too scared...

[BOTH CRY OUT]
[SNORTING]

There it is.

Good.
Hey.

Aren't you even gonna
put him to sleep?

Oh, you're gonna
get technical, eh?

In the closet.

[MUFFLED WHIMPERING]

[CLANKS]
[GRUNTS]

Yep, that's it.

Ah.

Well, okay.

Anesthetic.

[MUFFLED SPEECH]

Come on. Come on.
Give it to me.

Hey, what...

[DAPPER SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

[SNORTS]

[BUTTON CLATTERS]

[PANTING]

Hey, doc.

How's about talking this over?

[SNARLS]

Moe!
Larry!

Hit the lock.
Hit the lock.

Hit the lock.
All right.

Oh.
Oh.

I'm sorry.
Do I look like a lock?

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Oh.

[SNARLS]

DAPPER:
Look out!

[BOTH SHOUTING]

Help, Moe, help!

[THUDDING]

There we are.

Come on.
Come on.

[ALL CRY OUT]

Oh, look.
Look, fellas. Look.

I got the Punjab diamond.

Boy.
That's great.

Yeah, but tell me.

How did you happen to swallow
that thing in the first place?

Oh.
Like this.

[GULPS]

Moe.
Oh.

Oh.
Wait a minute.

Shemp, hold it.
I'll get it out.

There.

Boy it's dark in there.

Stand still, will you?

Come on.
Ah-ah-ah!

Larry.

Here, I'm gonna operate.

Oh, operate.

No, you're not
gonna operate on me.

Anesthetic.

Now, I tell you right now,
you ain't...

Okay, let him down easy.

Okay, boys.

There we are.

[♪♪♪]