06x02 - Do Your Mother's Commandment

[bunniefuu]

Let her go!

SMASH!
Let her go, you bastard.

(YELLS)

Is Van West here?

And you are?

Bailey Wilson, Van's lawyer.

What, you were arrested
at the same time?

f*cking sure was.

Well, tell me about it.

Gerard has d*ed.

Oh my f*cking God.

Cheryl West, you are charged with
the m*rder of Det Sgt Zane Gerard.

I wanna plead guilty
and have this over with.

What's going on?

In that case, you are found guilty
of the charge. You are remanded for
sentencing in seven weeks.

GAVEL THUDS ]

Cheryl.

Bailey Wilson. We've met.

Yeah, you're Van's lawyer.
I know who you are.

Has he done something stupid? You
haven't stuffed this up, have you?

Van's fine.

It'd be great if he answered his
phone more often, but he's fine.

Please.

No, they said that, uh, my lawyer
needed to see me, and Des Stewart
is my lawyer, so—

For sentencing?

Yeah, well, that's what
happens when you're guilty.

It doesn't have to.

With the right representation, you
could vacate your guilty plea and—

Yeah, yeah, I know what that means,
and I don't want to.

It was a mistake, Cheryl.

I mean, you're under
a lot of stress.

I knew what I was doing.

You wouldn't be the first person who
made a wrong plea, badly advised.

I wasn't.

It's a legal argument —
one I can make and win.

Yeah, you're not listening
to a f*cking word I'm saying,

which says a shitload about
your skills as a lawyer.

Well, you may wanna reconsider
changing your plea. You definitely
should. And when you do...

Piss off.

HELLO SAILOR'S 'GUTTER BLACK'

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

It is fair to say that certain
people in this house are not
pulling their weight,

so, as of today, we will be getting
ourselves out of this mess.

From now on, we need to pull
together as a family, and that
applies to every one of you.

That would be all two of us.

This involves everyone doing
their share around the house,

but not you, Wayne, cos you always
do way more than your fair share.

What? He gets off?

So I've written up a roster of
duties. From now on, even if you
are dying, you will do your chores.

I don't believe this.

I've also got a list of important
things that need to be done. Someone
needs to keep an eye on Van.

Why? Cos he's drinking heavily
and that could be a sign he's
gonna go all weird again.

SKA MUSIC

(BURPS)

f*ck the pigs!

ALL CHEER

Drinking puts Van in a happy place,
like smoking dak and p*rn.

No, he cannot be in a happy place.

Not with Mum away.

Morning.

Were you sleeping in the bath again?
Eh?

You're just in time for the
Pascalle Does Cheryl show.

Oh, I like the sound
of that. (CHUCKLES)

Right, I'm out of here.

Thanks for listening, Wayne.
Have a great day.

I'm not finished with you. You need
to sort your problems with Hayden.

It's sorted.
No, what do you think
Mum would feel about it?

Haven't you told her?

No, cos we can't upset her.
Not when she's away.

What is all this 'away' crap?

Mum is in jail, in the can, doing
time, and one 'from now on' speech
doesn't make you Mum.

You are such a bitch.
Hey, hey, hey, girls, girls.

Now's the time we've all
gotta pull together.

Oh, get off, you pervert.

And if I catch you sleeping in the
bath one more time, I will k*ll you.

It's very cramped in that caravan.

Since when is a caravan
more cramped that a bath?

It's a very small caravan.

You have freeloaded long enough.
What?

You heard me. You're going.

Hold on, hold on. What if I come up
with a little bit of board? Will
do it?

No.
(SIGHS) OK.

God.

Thanks. You have till
the end of the week.

What? Oh, now, come on.

Have a heart.

And you want me to keep
an eye on Van why?

He could drink himself into bad
places, like black-hole Draska.

Oh, come on, not even
Van's that stupid.

Hello, who stole a cop car?

Yeah, OK, that was pretty dumb.

And it falls on you, because
no one else in this family is
mature enough. Loretta?

She doesn't care about anyone else,
and I can't bother Wayne, who's been
an absolute pillar of salt.

Yeah, good old Wayne (!) Look,
I'll check in on Van when I can.

Oh, great.

Taking charge of this family is
really challenging, but your help
is making things so much easier.

Are you taking charge?

Yeah, someone has to.

Good on you.

Bro.
Mm?

Isn't that your lawyer?
Oh yeah.

Man, as far as legal counsel
goes, she's pretty hot, eh?

You can't say that, man.
She's a lawyer.

ROCK MUSIC

Van.

Hey.

You're a hard guy to track down.

Yeah, I've been busy, eh.

Too busy to answer your phone?

Don't you want these
charges to go away?

There's no point, eh, cos I'm
gonna plead guilty like my mum.

Why the f*ck would you do that?

To support my mum.

And— A-And t-to show the cops,

you know, once and for all that—
that— that guilty doesn't mean
guilty.

So this is about solidarity?

It's about showing the cops.

Van, all a guilty plea will show the
police is that you wanna go to jail.

As I told you, assaulting a police
officer on top of your record —
it's maybe a year.

And how's that gonna help Munter?

(CHUCKLES) I'm cool, eh, lady.

You're expecting a baby, aren't you?

Yeah, can't wait.

And your partner, Kasey — she's
on a serious charge. Threatening
to k*ll a police officer.

No, no, no, it was just
in a manner of speaking. ]
Uh.

READS: Leave him alone, you
pig bastard, or I'll k*ll you.

MUNTER, VAN LAUGH

She's hard-out, eh?

Wouldn't your mum prefer it with
her friends and family out of jail?

And how do you know
what my mum thinks?

I've spoken to her.

Oh.

If you all join together, now,
I think we can make this go away.

What, you mean, like,
totally go away?

Get the charges dropped,
and of anyone else who's in.

Yeah, well, I'm kinda liking
the sound of that one, eh, bro.

And this is what my mum wants?

Totally.

But I need everyone on board.
Can you do that?

Show me the solidarity, and we
stick it to the cops, my way.

Yep. Yeah, well, OK,
see, I'm into that.

INTRIGUING MUSIC

f*ck!

It makes a lot of sense to sleep in
the bath when your caravan's filled
with stolen heat pumps.

They're not stolen.
What if the cops come back?

They've been over this place
with a fine-tooth comb.

This is the last place
they'll think of looking now.

I'll give you bucks a unit.

Piss off.

Hmm. I sure hope roster-crazed
Pascalle doesn't decide to come
and clean Grandpa's caravan today.

She wouldn't.
Oh, she could.

Any time.

You'd dob me in?

Pascalle loves to clean. Sometimes
there's just no stopping her.

You would be out of
the house so fast—

She's already thrown me out.

Yeah, well, for two hundie a unit,
I could maybe help you with that.

You?
Would help me?

I'm sure we could come
to some arrangement.

—
Two hundie.

How's Janie? Is she missing me?

Yeah, she's OK.
She's been hanging out with Hayden.

And Loretta?

Sure.

Pascalle's whipping us
into a domestic frenzy.

(CHUCKLES) Oh God.

At least she's making the effort.

So, did you bring
the bank statements?

Yep.

Great.

So you need to close this one down.

And this one, and I guess transfer
all of this into the joint account.

Oh, and sell my car.

Well, it's only gonna devalue.

Jesus, woman, you're not dead.

Yeah, well, I f*cked up.
I'm paying the price.

What, you think you're the only one?

Wayne, what's done is done.

You know, I've gotta be
practical about this.

Right.

Fine.

So, Van, are will all set?

Yeah. Uh, yeah, I got them
all here. Sweet. So come...

Hey, you fullas shut up. Hey!

So, th— uh, this is Bailey, who
I was telling youse all about.

And she's gonna get us all off
our charges and get Grandpa
out of prison.

How are you gonna do this?

It's a 'strength in
numbers' scenario.

Yeah, it's like a tight five.

Yeah, but there's seven of us.

OK, it'll be a tight seven, Kasey.

Well, it's the same set of facts,
same circumstance. You all stick
together, and I use it as leverage.

How old are you, my dear?

Is that important?

My Ted needs the best.

I am the best.

No disrespect, lady, but I'm
pretty comfortable with the
courtroom lingo.

It's Aaron, isn't it?

I can defend myself. I'm a
law-talkin', street-fightin' man.

Aaron, shut your f*cking face.

I already have representation
from Mrs Falani's cousin,

who will exchange legal
services for a lawnmower.

You're worried about cost.

(SCOFFS) It's a cultural matter.

Well, I want you all to feel
comfortable, so I'm offering
my services at no charge.

As in free?

And the next round's on me.

Well, since you put it that way...
She has an astute legal mind.

AARON: All right. (CHUCKLES)

Mine's a gimlet.

Great.

Huh?

Boo. (LAUGHS)

Yeah. So, uh, it's cools
you're doing it for free.

I just wanna defend
the little guy, Van.

Oh yeah.

So you're not gonna defend Falani?

What?

Well, he's quite big.

And Grandpa's pretty tall as well.

Van, I mean you.

Oh.

I'd hate to see a cute guy
like you end up in jail.

Oh, right.

Thanks.

But if we're gonna win this, we need
everyone on board. Pascalle didn't
show.

Mm.
Can you help me with that?

Yeah. Yes. Sure.

Yeah, cos as her— her oldest
brother, apart from Jethro,
pretty much, she does what I say.

Excellent.

I really wanna get you off, Van.

Oh.

(CLEARS THROAT) Well?

Well what, Pascalle?

Look around you, Loretta.
What do you see?

Judd didn't do his dishes.

No, you are the one that's
rostered on. Look.

But I didn't cook the fry-up.

But you ate it.
So?

So a roster doesn't work if
people don't do their rostering.

Maybe we need a new system — those
who make the mess should clean it
up.

Thank you, Eric.

Why are you agreeing with Eric?

I think his idea's
way better than yours.

But it wouldn't be teamwork.

Mm, somehow I just don't care.

There is no I in team, Loretta.

But there is a U in f*ck off.

Eric.
I'd love to stay and chat, but...

Where are you going?
Downstairs.

With Eric?

Yeah.
No, come—

Hey, little sis.

Uh, you remember Bailey, right?

Not really.

See, that's cos you didn't
come to the meeting.

Van, does it look like I have
time to worry about a stupid
offensive-language charge?

OK, that's exactly what I thought,
but then, see, Bailey, she explained
it differently.

Our mother is... away.

It's in bad taste to
fight minor charges.

Yes, but, see, if we
all stick together—

No.

(CHUCKLES) Well, uh,
we'll see about that.

No, we won't.
Yes, we will, because you
have to do as you're told.

Says who?

Says me.

Van, are you completely stoned?

Nah— No.

No! You just gotta do what I say,
cos I'm you're oldest brother, man.

No, you're not.
Look, Jethro's like two minutes—

Van, piss off.

Pascalle!

(SIGHS) She must be on the rag.

It's OK.

(SIGHS) I have nothing
to say to you.

I know. I-I just wanted to say
that I think it's admirable.

Offensive language is admirable?

The way you're filling your
mother's shoes. Can't be easy.

Well, yeah, and that's why I'm too
busy to bother about statements and
court appearances and interviews.

Well, you have a family
depending on you.

Yeah, that's right.

But if you were to join me,
there'd be no need for a court case.

How does that work?

I just need to get your
side of what happened.

I've told you what happened.

Why did you swear at Gerard?

He had no right to screw up
my sister's wedding.

Though her marriage is over already,
but he only did it cos he was mad at
me for breaking up with him.

And why'd you do that?

Because I was in love
with somebody else.

And he couldn't accept that.

No, he started stalking me and
texting me and b*ating people up,

so I made a complaint about him, and
then he just went all spazzy and...
that's what stuffed everything up.

You know, Pascalle, if you could
just put that in a statement,

then we could make this
whole mess go away.

Hi, Mum.

You're running a tight ship, I hear.

Mm-hm. I've done loads
of washing, including Van's,

and I cleaned out the cupboards,
even the whiffy hot-water cupboard,

which turned out to be a pair of
dodgy undies that Grandpa stashed.

You're a good girl.

So you needn't worry about anything,
OK, Mum. Just worry about yourself
and being strong.

(SIGHS) So, how's Janie?

She's fine.

Despite having a selfish
and useless mother.

Meaning?

Oh, nothing.

What is up with Loretta?

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing at all.

Pascalle. I may be in here,
but I wanna know everything.

Mum, everything is amazing.
OK? I promise.

And now that Bailey's
representing everyone...
Everyone?

Yeah, everyone who got
charged, even Grandpa.

Hold on, everyone is
using Van's lawyer?

Yeah. Isn't it great? And it's one
less thing for you to worry about.

So, you feeling all right?

What?

With the whole Mum thing.

We all need to stay cool.

Yeah, I'm cool. Cooler than you.

(CHUCKLES) Good.

Listen, just don't freak out about
your court case. You might not go
to jail.

Mm. I'm not doing any time. (BURPS)

Not even a fine.

Well, Van, you have to be realistic.

Well, no, I don't, cos
Bailey, my lawyer, said so.

Yeah, if you can call her a lawyer.

She's the best.

She was crap in law school, Van.
Here's hoping she's better in court,
eh?

Yeah, well, we're not going to
court, dummy. She's gonna get
me off. She told you that?

Oh yeah. She tells me everything.
And I tell her everything. It's
called full exposure, Jethro.

It's disclosure, Van, but she
shouldn't be making you promises
she can't keep.

Yeah, well, Bailey would know, all
right, cos she's a-a-a practising
lawyer, which is more than you.

You don't practise, Jethro.
That's why you're crap.

If you wanna get good at
something, you've gotta practise.

That explains why you're
an expert w*nk*r.

(LAUGHS)

No. And you're a d*ck.
Cock.

You can't come around and drink all
my beers and call me a w*nk*r, cock.

I'm trying to help, Van.

I don't need your help. Everyone
knows she's the best lawyer in town.

That's why she's representing
everyone else as well.

She's representing all of you?

Yep.

Even Grandpa?
Yep. The tight seven. That's us.

PHONE RINGS

Jesus Christ, I don't believe it.
Yep.

Jethro, what the f*ck's going
on with this Bailey chick?

My God, Jethro West.

Bailey.

Wow.

They actually gave you this?

I did what I had to.

Yeah, from memory that involved
large quantities of vodka and
the chunder mile, right?

What university education is
complete without a double major
in binge drinking?

Vomiting into your
handbag during torts.

Oh, you were there.

Yeah, you were something of
a legend — though not for
your legal insights.

You might impress Van, because,
well, it's easy, but using him
to get to my mother...

Am I being warned off?

Oh, you do have some
insight after all.

Cheryl can make up her own mind.

OK, let me be clearer.

A C-average law-school blow-job
queen doesn't represent my mother.

And what are you using your degree
for these days, Jethro? Handling
women's underwear?

If you drop Pascalle and
Van in it, I'll sue you.

Well, I'll take that
on board, pantie boy.

Good girl.

Anyway, it's good you're here.

You helped Pascalle with her
harassment complaint against
Gerard, right? ]

(SIGHS) So?

I need to get a
statement about that.

Oh, piss off.

I thought you wanted
to help your family.

HANDLE RATTLES

Why is downstairs locked?

What are you doing down there?

It's my room.
Since when?

Loretta has extended
a hand of human kindness.

Why would you give smelly
Eric your office?

Hey, steady on.

It's what Mum would want — helping
out our oldest family friend.

No.
From now on, it's all about
pulling together as a family.

No, you are up to something.

What would I possibly get
up to with pervy old Eric?

Knock, knock. Hey, are we
still good for the, uh—?

...laundry?

Yeah, Falani. Just in time.

What is happening here?

Falani and Eric are helping
me with my chores.

You're not rostered on.
It's about pulling together.

No, what is going on down there?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

DOOR OPENS

Eric and Loretta are up to something
downstairs, and it must be illegal,
cos Falani is there too.

And you want me to do what?

Throw Eric out for starters. Talk to
Loretta. Things are just going from
bad to worse in this house.

Things are just going back the
way they were, aren't they?

That's not good.

Maybe it's just inevitable.

What would Mum think?

It would seem that your
mother couldn't care less.
That is not true.

Then why did she opt for years
when she didn't have to?
Well, because—

Because she wants
to do her own thing.

And why not do the same? Look out
for yourself, let the others do
what they want.

We've all gotta move on sometime.

Move on?

Oh my God, are you
thinking of leaving?

What's keeping me here, Pascalle?

(SIGHS) Bro, have you
noticed Bailey's hands?

Her hands? Nah, can't
say I have, bro.

They're real strong, eh.
In a lady kind of way.

The kind of hands that say...

'I can handle it'?

Nah, nah, that you're gonna
be looked after, you know.

Well, she's a pretty awesome lawyer
if she's gonna get us off, bro.

Getting us off. It is gonna be good.

Hey, how about, like, when...
when she's saying legal sh*t,

her eyes, they go all— they
go hard, but then they're also
soft at the same time, you know.

Y— Like, uh... Like polyurethane.

Polyurethane?
Mm. Yeah, you know how
it's all runny in the tin,

but then, um, when it goes
on the floor, it's hard.

You're sweet on her, man.

I'm not sweet on her, d*ck.
She's my lawyer.

You're crushing on your lawyer.
I'm not crushing on my lawyer.

Yes, you are.
It's professional.

Hi, Van.

Bailey. Hey.

Hi, how are you?

Good, good. Hey, Munter.

Hey, can I get you a drink?
That'll be a cocktail, right?
I could do that.

Yeah, a Baileys for a Bailey.
Yeah, shh.

Actually, I'd love a beer.

A beer? Whoa, that's very cool.

I'll grab you a glass,
leave you two to talk, eh?

Yep.

So, Van.

Bailey.

You wanted to meet for...?

I just wanted to say...

that everything is cool.

And you couldn't say
that over the phone?

Well, y-yes, I could,

but I ju— I wanted— I just
wanted to say it to your face.

He wanted to look you in the eye,
you know. Polyurethane eyes.

(LAUGHS)
OK.

Don't listen. He's a ret*rd.

But if you did want to talk
about the details of the case,
or anything,

then, um, maybe we could—
we could grab a bite.

I know this Chinese place.
It's awesome, and you can
sit down and everything.

I love Chinese.
Really?

But I'm meeting with the prosecution
tomorrow. I need an early night.

Oh, OK.

Thanks for the beer.

It's all right.

(SLURPS)

Ciao, guys.

Bye, Bailey.

Did you hear that?
What?

She speaks Chinese.

(EXHALES) She is
pretty amazing, bro.
Yes.

SINGSONGY: Van likes his lawyer.
Van likes his lawyer!

Shut up.
Van likes his lawyer.

Shut up, d*ck.
(LAUGHS)

Shut up.

(SIGHS)

I was just heading out.

Well, you can't cos
we have a crisis.

Oh. Right. The Bailey thing.
What were you thinking?

No, not Bailey. I like Bailey.

OK, look, Van is a moron, but
that doesn't mean the rest of you—

Wayne is thinking of leaving.

What, moving out?
Yes. Isn't it terrible?

Oh, about f*cking time.

What? I thought I had your support.

What, for Judd?

No, for holding
this family together.

He's not family.
He's Mum's lovely boyfriend.

And she's going away for years.

Don't say that.
Well, it's the truth.

And you think Wayne should hang
around for years. More to
the point — do we want him to?

Yes, because Wayne is so nice.

Pascalle, get real. We've tolerated
him for Mum. And now she's not here,
so...

You're so evil. You know that?

Just telling it like it is. Come on.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

[ LORETTA: OK, f*ck off now.

[ I said go.

Go, go.

I saw that.
Saw what?

That man and the box of whatever.

Oh, Sione's just trying
to flog some sh*t.

Yeah, heat pumps, actually, but
we said, 'No, not at any price.'

Don't come back, you mongrel!

How dare you sell stolen
goods out of this house?
I'm not.

Mum not being here does not give
you the right to break the rules.

Pascalle!
No, don't deny it, Loretta.

Don't think for a minute that your
selfish and illegal activities is
not what's driving Wayne away.

I haven't done anything to Wayne.

He's thinking of giving up on us.
If he does it is your fault.

My fault?

You cannot do this to Mum.

Mum is not here.

And that is all the more reason—

No, no, no, so why shouldn't
we sell sh*t, do what we want?

Set up a new galleria in front room
if we want. When Mum pleaded guilty,
she gave up on the rules.

Now there are no rules, and you
can blame Mum for being a f*cking
quitter!

Hey, hey, hey, girls.
BOTH: Piss off, Eric!

sh*t, sh*t. It's all gone sh*t.

Oh well. Better out than in, eh?

Piss off, Eric. Piss off
out of this house.

I just moved in. It was the deal.

Yeah, well, heat pumps gone,
so deal done. Goodbye.

Hey, you can't renege. We're mates.

We're not mates. Get the
f*ck out of my office.

Late start and the best herb in
the nation, man. Could life get
any better?

Whoa, what is that?

The hammerhead — lavender-infused
with a hash ball at the tip.

Uh...
Light both ends,

preheat,

then ignition and...

Uh-huh.
...bam.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Suck on that sweet mother of a hit,
followed by a mellow afterglow.

Raj said to save it for a special
occasion, bro, and here we are.

Choice.

So what's the special occasion?

(INHALES) The good news, bro.

What good news?

Don't be an egg, man. The best
news, man. We got off. (EXHALES)

Charges dropped. Your
sweet-looking lawyer came through.

Bet you were rapt when she rang.
Bet you wanted to touch her sweet—

Hey, hey. What do you mean 'we'?

Van!
ALL CHEER

Van, Van, Van.
What a triumph!

I admit, I doubted her slender
years, but she came through.

Oh, so you've all heard, then?

Yeah, Mrs Falani sends a big talofa
for sharing your legal sexpot.

She's not my sexpot.
My bad. (RAUNCHILY) My bad!

LAUGHTER
Hey, let's all raise our glasses.

To the lawyer with
the polyurethane eyes.

LAUGHTER

And what about Pascalle?
Has she heard?

Bailey called her first. She's
delighted, and so pleased for Ted.

Must have been some deal she cut.

Bro, why wouldn't Bailey call me?

Oh, bro, she's just playing it cool.

You probably came on a bit
strong with the Chinese thing.

Oh, Van, you should have gone Thai.
Chicks love Thai. It's not so
stodgy.

Whatever.
Or...

Or what?

Well, I'm not saying this is the
case, but with any deal process,
there always has to be a...

sacrificial lamb.

What? A sacrificial what?

Lamb, dude — as in
lamb to the slaughter.
Oh.

Van, you're a very noble man
to make this sacrifice.

No, I didn't.

I... That's not fair.

I'm sure she tried.
Yeah.

With her firm but feminine hands.

N...

Oh my God.

How could she do this to me?

Yeah, it sucks, bro. Especially—
She knows you're sweet on her.

Yeah. You should have gone Thai.

Van. Nice to see you.

Yeah. Well, it's great what
you've done for everyone else —
getting them all off.

Couldn't have done it without you.

Yeah, I helped you out and all, and
then you make me the sacrificial
ham. What's that about?

Sacrificial what?
Ham. As in, like,
ham to the slaughter.

You said I wasn't gonna do time.

Well, you're a free man.

Eh?

I called you—
No, you didn't.

Well, your mobile always goes
straight to answerphone, so
I left a message.

Yeah, well, I do need to top up.

I also said maybe we could
grab that bite to eat tonight.

Yeah?
Yeah. Keen to try
your Chinese place.

Right, well, I was thinking Thai.

Thai's for pussies.

Yeah.

Yeah, it is, eh?

I'll meet you later, then.
Mm-hm.

Well, text me the details —

when you've topped up.

OK.

Hey, Bailey.

Thanks.

Thank me later.

(CHUCKLES)

So, Van's lawyer got you all off?

sh*t.

That's good.

Come on, smile wouldn't hurt.

How can I smile about getting off
stupid charges when you might be
in here for, like, forever.

It shouldn't even be you in here.
Zane coming to that wedding was all
my fault. Now it's all gone to crap.

What crap?

Everything. Jethro is being his
usual evil self. Loretta and
Hayden have split up.

Since when?
I didn't want to worry you, Mum, but
now Loretta is fencing hot pumps.

Jesus.
I have tried to fix everything.
I've tried to make everything right.

It's too hard, and I can't blame
Wayne for wanting to move out.

Wayne's moving out?

I mean, he's just thinking about it.

sh*t, sorry, Mum.

Van, if you're missing your mum...

Eh?

Well, it might be better to talk
about it rather than going through—

I'm looking for a shirt, man.

Cos...?

Got a date.

A date as in a date?

Just tell me where your shirts are.

Call me old-fashioned,
but I hang them up.

Help yourself.

Look, this family is just
under too much pressure.

I've nowhere else to go, Pascalle.

Grandpa's coming home soon, and
he's gonna need his caravan, OK.

(GROANS)

You can move in with Van.

What, Eric? No way.

Why do you look sort of nice?

Hmm?

(SNIFFS)

(SNIFFS)

Why do you smell like Mum's perfume?

No. No, isn't this your aftershave?

Don't usually go for Poison myself.

Oh, sh*t.

Are you going on a date, Van?
No.

Come on, man up.

OK, yes.

Like, a date date? ]
Yes, a date date.

Well, who with? ]
No one.

Ah, the old right hand, eh? If
I buy you dinner, will you shag
me all night long?

(CHUCKLES)
Where's the baking stuff?

Oh no, you're not
gonna cook, are you?

(SIGHS) Don't be stupid.

You'll poison her or she'll have to
have no sense of taste or something.

She's got taste, OK. It's Bailey.

She's way too intelligent
for you, Van.

She likes me. Mm. A lot.

OK, you can go if you take Eric.
You can't—

You have a spare room.

No. No, you can't stop me going out.

I don't even live here any more.

You have to do what's right, Van.

(SIGHS)

OK, fine.
Promise?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I promise.

Oh, Van, I love you like a son!

SHUDDERS: Nah...

Oh, oh, hey, one more thing.
Mm-hmm?

Fingers crossed, eh,
so f*ck youse all.

VAN LAUGHS ]

RAUNCHY ROCK MUSIC

(LAUGHS)

I did it.

Yeah, I heard.

I got seven people off charges
without setting foot in a courtroom.
Not bad for a C student.

I'm all out of medals.

Curious?

Not really.

Oh, not even a little teeny bit?

(CHUCKLES) Come on, then.

I explained to the prosecution
that right now they had Detective
Zane Gerard a fallen hero.

But when my tight
seven came to trial,

all related to the high-profile
case of cop-k*ller Cheryl West,

that I would have no option but to
expose that Gerard was not acting
in the line of duty,

that in fact he was a jilted lover
with a complaint of harassment
pending,

and that his visit to the West
house was motivated by jealousy,
not justice.

The media would be all over it.

But, see, cutting deals with the
prosecution means that Gerard is
still the good guy

and my mother is still the villain.

I didn't do that.

You sold her down the f*cking river.

Cheryl sold herself out
when she pleaded guilty.

If she changes her plea
through changing her lawyer—

You wanna sell Des out now do you?

Des understands it's
Cheryl's only option.

You've talked to him.
He gets it.

If she changes her plea and changes
her lawyer, then I'll make sure the
truth comes out in court.

Cocky, aren't you?

Prosecution are crapping themselves.
Why else would they have dropped the
charges against the others?

So now it's up to Cheryl.

See ya.

RAUNCHY ROCK MUSIC

PHONE RINGS

Yep.

Hey, you haven't been to see me yet.

Uh, yeah, I've been busy.

Hey, what do you know
about Loretta and Hayden?

Oi, Jethro, you there?

Tell Loretta to get
her arse in here.

Yeah, sure. Look, about Bailey.

What about her?

She might not be as
shabby as I thought.

Yeah? Fine.

(SIGHS) Well, what does
it matter now, anyway?

Yeah, I made a reservation
in the name of Van.

V-A-N.

This way.
Cool. Can be quite
hard to get a table.

But we're early tonight, so...

ASIAN MUSIC PLAYS

Ta. Oh, could we get a
couple of beers, please?

Sure.
Ta.

Mongolian restaurant. I'm impressed.

Oh no. (CHUCKLES) It's Chinese.

Mongolian is the ultimate Chinese.

Yeah?

Cool. Hey, it's good that the
waiters don't look, like, too
mongoloid, eh?

It'd put you off your food. (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

I'm gonna have the...
sizzling barbecued beef
with Sichuan spice. Hot.

You like it hot?
The hotter and spicier the better.

Yeah, I think I'm
gonna have that too.

Thank you.
Ta.

See, this is why I love this
place — the bread is free.

Really?
Yeah, they just give that sh*t away.

(LAUGHS) Well, I guess
it'd be rude not to.

Yeah. Wait.

How thoughtful.

The ultimate Chinese experience.

Mongolian fairy bread.

It's my favourite.

So, tell me about your mum.

It is too hot for you?

Mm-uh.

You know, beer doesn't help.
Mm.

The best thing's yoghurt.
I'll order some.

No, no, no. Look, I'm sweet.

PHONE RINGS

Dude, dude, have you scored yet?

Oh, it's Munter.

Just one minute.

(PANTS)

SLURS: Not yet. I'm still
at the Mongolian restaurant.

What are you saying?

(PANTS) Ah, Sichuan beef.
I need to drink beers.

Go hard, my brother.
Go hard.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

BOTH CHEER OVER PHONE

(CLEARS THROAT)
No, no, I'll get that.

Oh, you don't have to.
No, no, really. I'll get it. OK.

ASIAN MUSIC PLAYS

COINS JINGLE

COINS CLATTER

(CLEARS THROAT, SNIFFS)

So, uh, shall we...

go back to my place?

I don't think so.

Oh, um, your place, then.

Actually, my place is
my office tonight, so...

Oh, really?

Well, I... I'm cool with that.

No, Van, I have to work.

Oh.

Well, so you don't—
you don't wanna...?

Van, I really have to work.

But I'd love to see you again.

Like again again?

Absolutely. Yeah,
I had a great time.

(CHUCKLES)

(EXHALES)

You drinking alone?

I have tried to hold this family
together, and I have failed.

Oh, come on.

And, um... (SIGHS) Also, I might
have told Mum that you were leaving.

You might have?

I didn't mean to. It just
fell out of my mouth.

(SIGHS) Well, I shouldn't
have said it.

I don't blame you. This house is
filled with selfish, appalling
people,

and you work so hard and you're
so nice, and there's not even
any dinner cooked.

Nothing is worse
than Eric's cooking.

No, it's stupid Loretta's fault.
Not that she would care.

Yeah, well, I haven't left yet.

Ooh!

Take it easy on that stuff, eh?

Mm-hm.

Dinner, as per your stupid roster.
So?

Well, go on, let's get it over with.
Yell at me for not doing proper
cooking.

I don't care.

But technically, I am shirking.

I don't care. You were right.
I'm not Mum, so I shouldn't
try to be, so I give up.

OK.

Actually, the rum and coke is about
the most Mum-like thing you've done
so far.

Well, here's to Mum.

Who has always been here for
us and who isn't any more.

Never thought I'd say this,...

...but you miss her.

Like a wart. Or a pain that you
don't notice till it goes away.

(SIGHS)
Shall we just get really pissed?

(SIGHS)

GLASSES CLINK

SOMBRE MUSIC

[ KNOCK AT DOOR

Van.

Jethro.

Your favourite poison.

You wanna drink with me now?

Oh, I was just passing,
saw the light on.

Sure you did (!)

Yeah, look, I just
wanted to say, um,...

you did OK.

Don't go crazy (!)

Well, getting my mother to change
her mind — it's not gonna happen.

It ain't over yet.

Well, at least you'll have
something to drown your sorrows.

Thanks,...

I think.

SOLEMN MUSIC

MUSIC CONTINUES

MUSIC BUILDS

BIRDSONG

(SNORES)

SEXY, SLOW MUSIC

I so wanted you to come.

Give us a chance. I mean,
whatever happened to foreplay?

SQUEALS: Eric!

What the f*ck are
you doing in my bed?!

There's no bed in the other room,

and the couch is bloody hard
and we are flatmates.

Since when?!

Oh, Van.

Come on, the others are such hard
bastards, and after all those years
in Palmerston North—

Spare room, not mine!
PHONE RINGS

So you're good with it, then?

Get the f*ck out!

Yes?
So, details, man.
Was it as hot as it sounded?

Yeah, well, the food was.

Nah, man, did you
root her senseless?

No, look, I-I didn't...
I didn't get a root.

Oh, bummer, bro. She didn't put out,
and you paid for the Chinese and
everything.

Oh, nah, nah, it was Mongolian.
And it's all good. Yeah, she
wants another date.

Oh, I'm hearing cock-teaser, bro.

No, no, no. She likes me. She likes
me. She does. She was asking about
Mum and everything.

Yeah. I think what— I think what's
happening is she's taking it really
slowly,

because, well, I think she's
quite serious about me.

Oh, OK.

And I think...

Yeah, I think I'm quite
serious about her too.

(LAUGHS)

Hey.

I hear you're leaving.

Thought had crossed my mind, yeah.

Well, that's just great (!)
Cheryl.

Well, you know, you've done
it before, and since Tama things
haven't been that good between us.

I can't help feeling
what I'm feeling here.
Which is what?

sh*t, I don't know —
abandonment, rejection.
Oh, please.

Listen, Cheryl,

when you turned around and pleaded
guilty without talking to Des, your
kids or me,

what the hell was
I supposed to feel?

You chose to walk
away for years. ]

So I'm assuming that that's what you
want — that it's over between us.

Because that's what it feels like.

And if you haven't got the
spine to call it, then I will.

I don't want that.

Then what do you want?

I k*lled him.

You were defending your daughter,
like any good mother would.

That what I loved about you —

that you would do anything for your
family, for those that you loved, ]

and you would fight to
the bitter bloody end.

Now, it is a tragedy

that that man d*ed.

But you wanna know
an even bigger tragedy?

That you have given up on your kids.

That you can't be arsed
fighting for them... ]

or me.

And I am finding that
way too hard, Cheryl.

Way too f*cking hard. ]

SOMBRE MUSIC

PHONE RINGS

Bailey Wilson.

So this vacating my plea —
is it too late?

Cheryl.

Yeah. Yeah, who else would it be?

No. No, it's not too late.

It's great to hear from you.

OK, let's do it, then.

HELLO SAILOR'S
'GUTTER BLACK' PLAYS

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

MUSIC CONTINUES