Magnolia (1999)

[bunniefuu]

In The New York Herald, November 26, year 1911...

...there is an account of the hanging of three men.

They d*ed for the m*rder of Sir Edmund William Godfrey...

...husband, father, pharmacist, and all-around gentleman resident...

...of Greenberry Hill, London.

He was m*rder*d by three vagrants whose motive was simple robbery.

They were identified as Joseph Green...

...Stanley Berry...

...and Daniel Hill.

Green, Berry, Hill.

And I would like to think this was only a matter of chance.

As reported in the Reno Gazette, June of 1 983...

...there is the story of a fire...

...the water that it took to contain the fire...

...and a scuba diver named Delmer Darion.

Employee of the Nugget Hotel and Casino, Reno, Nevada...

...engaged as a blackjack dealer, well-liked and well-regarded...

...as a physical, recreational, and sporting sort...

...Delmer's true passion was for the lake.

As reported by the coroner, Delmer d*ed of a heart att*ck...

...somewhere between the lake and the tree...

...but most curious side note is the su1c1de the next day of Craig Hansen...

...volunteer firefighter, estranged father of four...

...and a poor tendency to drink. Mr. Hansen was the pilot of the plane...

...that quite accidentally lifted Delmer Darion out of the water.

Added to this, Mr. Hansen's tortured life...

...met before with Delmer Darion just two nights previous.

All I need is a two.

All you need is a deuce. All right.

That is an eight.

Glad you like my work. All right. Moment of truth-

The weight of the guilt and the measure of coincidence so large...

...Craig Hansen took his life.

And I am trying to think this was all only a matter of chance.

The tale told at a 1 961 awards dinner...

...for the American Association of Forensic Science...

...by Dr. John Harper, president of the association...

...began with a simple su1c1de attempt.

- curiosity.

Seventeen-year-old Sydney Barringer...

...in the city of Los Angeles on March 23rd, 1 958.

The coroner ruled that the unsuccessful su1c1de...

...had suddenly become a successful homicide.

To explain, the su1c1de was confirmed by a note...

...in the right hip pocket of Sydney Barringer.

At the same time young Sydney stood on the ledge of this nine-story building...

...an argument swelled three stories below.

The neighbors heard, as they usually did, the arguing of the tenants...

...and it was not uncommon for them to thr*aten each other with a shotgun...

...or one of the many handguns in the house.

I'm gonna put you down!

And when the shotgun accidentally went off...

You assh*le!

Sydney just happened to pass.

What?

Shut the f*ck up!

Added to this, the two tenants turned out to be...

...Faye and Arthur Barringer...

...Sydney's mother and Sydney's father.

When confronted with the charge...

...which took some figuring out for the officers on the scene of the crime...

...Faye Barringer swore she did not know the g*n was loaded.

I didn't know.

She always threatens me with the g*n, but I don't keep it loaded.

DETECTIVE: And you didn't load the g*n?

Why would I load the g*n?

A boy who lived in the building...

...sometimes a visitor and friend to Sydney Barringer...

...said that he had seen, six days prior, the loading of the shotgun.

Ricky, come here a minute.

It seems that all the arguing and fighting...

...and all of the v*olence was far too much for Sydney Barringer...

...and knowing his mother and father's tendency to fight...

...he decided to do something.

He said that he wanted them to k*ll each other...

. .. and that's all that they wanted to do, k*ll each other. . .

. .. and that he would help them do that if that's what they wanted.

Sydney Barringer jumps from the ninth-floor rooftop.

His parents argue three stories below.

Her accidental shotgun blast hits Sydney in the stomach...

...as he passes the arguing sixth-floor window.

He is k*lled instantly, but continues to fall...

...only to find, five stories below, a safety net installed three days prior...

...for window washers that would've broken his fall...

...and saved his life if not for the hole in his stomach.

So Faye Barringer was charged with the m*rder of her son...

...and Sydney Barringer noted as an accomplice in his own death.

And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator...

...that this is not just something that happened.

This cannot be one of those things.

This, please, cannot be that.

And for what I would like to say, I can't.

This was not just a matter of chance. Ha, ha.

These strange things happen all the time.

In this big game that we play, life, it's not what you hope for.

It's not what you deserve. It's what you take.

I'm Frank T.J. Mackey, a master of the muffin...

...and author of Seduce and Destroy...

...now available to you on audio and video cassette.

Seduce and Destroy will teach you the techniques...

...to have any hard-body blonde...

...just dripping to wet your dock.

Bottom line? Language:

the magical key to unlocking the female analytical mindset.

Tap directly into her hopes, her wants...

...her fears, her desires, and her sweet little panties.

Learn how to make that lady "friend" your sex-starved servant.

Seduce and Destroy produces an instant, money-back guaranteed...

...trance-like state that will get you...

Hey.

- naughty sauce you want fast.

Hey, how many more times...

...do you need to hear the all-too-famous line-

So?

- "I just don't feel that way about you"?

d*ck For over 30 years, America has hung out...

...and answered questions with Jimmy Gator.

An American legend and a true television icon...

...Jimmy celebrates his 1 2,000th hour of broadcast this week.

Have I been around that long?

d*ck He's a family man who's been married for over 40 years...

...with two children and one bouncing baby grandchild on the way.

We've tuned in each day to see the human interaction...

...between Jimmy and some very special kids...

...and we hope there's 30 more years of watching that happen.

I'm Jimmy Gator.

Donald W. Winnicott. 1911. North America. South America.

The answer is four. The answer is 22. Gravity.

The answer is The Life of Samuel Johnson.

I don't care what your last bank statement is.

Let's go. You should have done that 1 0 minutes ago.

We need more dog food. RICK: Talk in the car.

- Look, I got a serious audition today. Are you lonely?

RICK: That one too? - I need this one.

Well, let me tell you.

RICK: I don't understand why you need four bags of books to go to school.

There's no reason for this many backpacks.

- Be ready at 2:00. - It should be 1:30.

RICK: I told you I got an audition. I won't be here till 2:00.

Get your stuff. Come on. Gotta go. Love you.

Love you too. - Okay.

Donnie, do you have an answer?

I do, Jimmy. Prometheus.

JIMMY: It is!

Donnie, how does it feel?

It's pretty exciting. Bet you don't get many people my age getting braces.

You were so cute on that game show.

Bet you can't answer any questions now, though, huh? Ha, ha!

- So we're all set to go, Donnie. DONNIE: Good.

- I'll see you tomorrow morning. - Okay.

RECEPTIONIST: Bye. - You're running around like crazy.

I'm gonna be late for work.

Hey.

It's the Quiz Kid, Donnie Smith.

PH IL: Hello, hello.

- How's today, then? - f*cking bullshit is what this is.

EARL f*cking regrets.

And we do these things, move through this life.

I'm gonna need your help, Phil. You got to help me on something today.

I'll take care. Anything, Earl.

Well, you're his doctor, and that's why.

Tell me something. Tell me something.

He needs more pills. He needs more- f*ck it.

He needs more pills, and I need some answers. . .

. .. so I'm coming to see you.

Morning, Linda.

I love you, my darling.

I'll be back in a while, Phil. I have to do some things. . .

. .. and I have to see something, and I'll be back.

f*ck.

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

WOMAN Press one to hear...

...this person's personal description of themselves...

...and two to leave a personal message of your own.

JIM Well, hello. This is Jim. I work in law enforcement.

I'm an officer for the LAPD...

...and work out of the North Hollywood district.

I love my job, and I love to go to the movies.

I try to stay physically fit. My job demands it.

I'm getting up there, though.

I'm 32 years old, and I'm 6'2" tall, and I weigh about 1 80...

...if that's important to you.

I'm really interested in meeting someone special who likes quiet things.

My life is very stressful, and I hope to have a relationship that is very calm...

...and undemanding and loving...

...so if you are this person, please leave me a message at box number 82.

Thank you.

OFFICER: So much v*olence...

. .. but that's the way of the world. Good luck, as always.

Serve and protect and all that other blah, blah, blah on the side of the car.

JIM: Let me tell you something.

This is not an easy job.

I get a call on the radio from Dispatch.

It's bad news.

And it stinks.

But this is my job, and I love it...

...because I wanna do well.

In this life and in this world, I wanna do well...

...and I wanna help people.

And I might get 20 bad calls a day...

. .. but one time I can help someone, I make a save. . .

. .. I correct a wrong or right a situation.. .

. .. then I'm a happy cop.

And we move through this life, we should try and do good.

Do good.

And if we can do that. ..

. .. and not hurt anyone else...

. .. well, then. . . .

JIM: Hello? MARCIE: I turn around, there's something.

- Whoa! Slow down. - You can't just come in here.

- The door was open. - You not allowed to come in.

- Calm down. - I am calm!

I got a call to this apartment, report of a disturbance.

There's no disturbance.

I got a call of a disturbance. I wanna see what's going on.

- Yeah, but there's no disturbance. - Then you got nothing to worry about.

You don't tell me. I know my rights. Just come right in. You can't just. . . .

All right, ma'am, you wanna test me?

All right? You wanna tell me about the law book, we can do that.

You push me far enough, I will take you to jail.

- Okay? Now calm yourself down. - I am calm!

No. You are not calm. You're screaming at me.

Do you understand?

I got a call of a disturbance, and I'm going to check it out.

That is what I'm going to do.

- Are you alone in here? - I ain't got to answer your questions.

No, you don't, but I'm gonna ask you one more time.

- Are you alone in here? - What does it look like?

- There's no one else in here? - You in here.

Okay. That's true, but is there anyone else. . .

. .. besides me and besides you in this house?

- No. I said that already. - Mm-hm.

- Are you lying to me? - I live by myself.

That might be true, but the question I'm asking you, ma'am. . . .

Is there anyone else in this house right now?

- No. - Okay.

- What is your name? - Marcie.

Okay. Marcie, I'm gonna need you to take a seat here.

- I prefer to stand up. - Okay. I'm not asking.

- I didn't even do nothing. - Move, ma'am.

Okay. So, like I was saying, I'm here to check on a disturbance.

Now, some of your neighbors heard screaming and a loud crash.

- I don't even know no loud crash. - Okay, what-?

- What was that? - Nothing.

- Sit back down on the couch. - I ain't gotta do a g*dd*mn thing.

- What's this bullshit? - Do not do this.

- Do not do this. Do not slap me, ma'am. - This is bullshit. This is bullshit.

This is bullshit. For what? For what? For what? Huh? Tell me for what.

No, tell me for what.

JIM: I asked you to sit on the couch. MARCIE: This is bullshit.

This is bullshit. This is f*cking bullshit.

1 5-L-27, I'm gonna need backup.

What the f*ck is this? It's bullshit, m*therf*cker!

- I want you to stay right there. - f*cking bullshit, and you know it!

JIM: Stay right there, Marcie. - Don't you go in my bedroom!

This is bullshit, m*therf*cker! Don't go down the hallway!

Don't go down my m*therf*cking hallway!

JIM: This is the LAPD!

Don't go in my g*dd*mn bedroom!

JIM: Come out now with your hands up!

MARCIE: What did I tell you? Ain't nobody in there!

Where the f*ck you going, m*therf*cker?

Don't go in my g*dd*mn bedroom!

Stay out of my m*therf*cking closet! What did I tell you?

- Don't go down my hallway! - This is the police!

If there is anyone in this closet, come out...

. .. and show yourself to me now, with your hands up.

Marcie, do not drag that couch any further!

Don't do this, ma'am!

There's nobody in my m*therf*cking closet!

If I have to open this closet, you will get sh*t!

MARCIE: Come back here! Come back here, m*therf*cker!

What can't you g*dd*mn f*cking talk to me?

- There's nobody in there! I told you! JIM: Marcie, quiet down!

MARCIE: This don't make no f*cking sense! This don't make no g*dd*mn sense!

This is bullshit, m*therf*cker!

Why can't you talk to me?

Whoa! Whoa-ho!

What the hell is this, Marcie?

That ain't mine.

LINDA: He's dying. He's f*cking dying as we're sitting here.

There's not a f*cking...

Jesus, how can you tell me to calm down?

I can help you through this, but there's certain things...

. .. you're gonna have to take care of, and we can go over them...

. .. but I need to know that you're listening to me, okay?

I'm- I'm in a f*cking state. It's like he's going, and I don't-

Just tell me practical things, like what the f*ck do I do with his body?

What do I do when he dies? What next? What happens then? What next?

That's what Hospice can take care of.

They'll send over a nurse, somebody who-

No. Phil. He has Phil now.

- Phil is one of the nurses from the service? - Yeah.

If you're happy with Phil taking care of him and helping you, that's fine...

. .. but contact Hospice to arrange for the body.

You don't understand. It's-

There's more pain than before, and the f*cking morphine pills aren't working. . .

. .. and it's like- The past two days, he can't really swallow...

. .. and I , um- I don't know if the pills are going down.

I can't see inside his mouth anymore, and I'm up all night staring at him. . .

. .. and I don't know if the pills are going down. He moans and he hurts.

We can fix that, because I can give you-

Are you listening?

- Yeah. I'm listening. I'm getting better. - Do you wanna sit down?

I need to sit down.

Okay, Linda, Earl's not gonna make it.

He's dying. He is. He's dying very, very rapidly.

The thing here is to make this experience. . .

. .. as painless and easy for him as possible.

You understand?

Now, Hospice will take care of all the technical things.

They will help you. They will take care of the body.

They are who you call when he dies.

There's the number of Hospice.

Okay. Now, as far as the morphine pills go. . .

. .. there's something else to consider.

There's a very strong, very potent solution of liquid morphine. . .

. .. and it's a little bottle. It has an eyedropper.

It's easy to get into his mouth and drop on his tongue...

. .. and it will certainly diminish the pain that he's in.

But you need to realize that, uh, once you give it to him...

. .. there really is no going back.

It will certainly cure his pain, but he will drift in and out of consciousness. . .

. .. even worse than he is now, Linda. I mean...

All sign of the recognizable Earl will pretty much go away.

I- What the f*ck can I say to-? I don't know what to say to that.

I don't want to do this.

Sit here.

I can see the things, you know.

It's getting there, that's the cocksucker.

I see that pen.

I see it. I know it's there.

I reach for it.

No.

No. No g*dd*mn use.

I have a son, you know.

- You do? - Yeah.

- Where is he? - I don't know.

I mean...

. .. he's around, but...

He's here in town, but I don't know.

You know. . .

. .. he's a tough one.

Very. . . .

- Got a girlfriend, Phil? - No.

- Get a girlfriend. - I'm trying.

Do good things with her. Share the things.

- All that bullshit is true, you know. - Yeah.

Find a good one, hold on, and all that.

Where's Linda?

She went out. She, uh, said she went out to run some errands.

- She'll be back. - Oh.

- She's a good girl. - Yeah.

She's a little nuts. Heh. But she's a good girl, I think. Yeah.

- She's a little daffy. Yeah. - Yeah.

She loves you.

Well, maybe.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

She is a good one.

When's the last time you talked to your son?

I don't know.

Ten.

Maybe ten. . . . Five...

f*ck.

f*ck.

That's another thing that goes.

- Your memory? - Time lines, you know?

I can remember things, but not right there.

- You know? - Yeah.

"Yeah"? What the f*ck do you know?

- I've seen it before. - Oh, other f*cking assholes like me?

- Ah, there's no assh*le like you. - Cocksucker.

How come every word you use is either cocksucker, sh*t balls, or f*ck?

- Do me a personal favor. - Go f*ck myself.

- You got it. - Ha, ha.

I can't...

I can't hold on to this any longer.

- I'll get another pill. Another morphine pill. - No. Give me the f*cking phone.

- Who you gonna call? - I wanna see this. I, uh-

- Where is he? Do you know? - Who?

- Jack. - Is Jack your son?

Do you want to call him on the phone? I can call him.

I can dial the number if you can remember the number.

It's not him.

It's not him. He's a f*cking assh*le.

Oh, Phil, come here. This is so boring.

So g*dd*mn.. . . g*dd*mn. . ..

You know, that dying wish. . .

. .. and all that old man on a bed. . ..

- Wants one thing. - It's okay.

Find him on a. . . .

Frank.

His name is Frank Mackey.

- Frank Mackey? - Yeah.

That's your son?

Not my name.

Go find. ..

Find Lily.

Give me that. Give me.

Give me- If you give me that...

. .. over there on, uh. . . .

Oh. f*ck. I can't hold on to this.

I got it. I got it.

Yeah.

Ah.

Respect the cock.

And tame the c**t.

Tame it.

Take it on headfirst with the skills that I will teach you at work...

- ... and say, "No. " AUDIENCE: No!

- You will not control me. No! AUDIENCE: No!

- You will not take my soul. No! AUDIENCE: No!

You will not win this game.

Because it is a game, guys. You wanna think it's not, huh?

You go back to the schoolyard...

. .. and you have that crush on big-titted Mary Jane.

Respect the cock.

You are embedding this thought:

- I am the one who's in charge. Yeah.

- I am the one who says, "Yes. " AUDIENCE: Yes!

- "No. " AUDIENCE: No!

- "Now. " AUDIENCE: Now!

"Here. "

Because it's universal, man.

It is evolutional. It is anthropological.

- It is biological. Yeah.

It is animal.

We. . .

. .. are. . .

. .. men.

You need to ask yourself what you can do...

- You Gwenovier? - Yeah.

I'm Captain Muffy, Frank's assistant.

- This is Doc. We can go in right here. - Sorry I'm late.

He started about 35 minutes ago.. .

. .. but he's probably getting all pumped up right now.

Look down at the top of the page. At the top of the page, what does it say?

AUDIENCE: "Get a calendar. " Right. I cannot stress this enough.

It's a simple item. It's 99 cents at the corner store.

But if you look into your packs, reach deep into your packs. . .

. .. you will see that I have been nice enough to include one. See?

Yeah, yeah. That's just the kind of prick I am.

You're gonna need this calendar. It doesn't seem like much.

It's a simple item. It is a small item.. .

. .. but it is going to make all the difference in your world.

You meet a girl, work an A-3 interruption.

Let's say an eight-day waiting period before next contact.

How are you gonna know when those eight days are up?

AUDIENCE: Mark the calendar.

That's right. Mark the calendar. You're gonna mark that calendar.

You're going to stick with me and this calendar.

You're gonna set goals.

If you really, really wanna make that friend something else...

. .. you're gonna have to be tough on yourself.

You're gonna have to set goals.

Uh, you, sir, in the, uh, brown short-sleeve shirt.

I can't read your name tag. What's your name, please?

Hello. - Hi, uh, is Frank there?

- No, you have the wrong number. - Um...

I'm sorry. I'm looking for a Frank Mackey.

Yeah, no, there's no Frank here.

Is this, um, 81 8-775-3993?

Yeah. No, you have the wrong number.

Do you know a Jack, by any chance?

Just a regular deal. Loosers and tighters.

- We're all set upstairs. And then she called me up...

. .. and she asked me for advice about a guy.

- Got everything you need? - All set, thanks.

Does she know how you feel about her? Have you discussed that?

Yes. Absolutely.

And what does she say?

She says she doesn't feel that way about me.

I don't think there's anyone in this room that doesn't understand that pain...

. .. and I wanna thank you for sharing that with us.

Let me tell you what we're gonna teach Denise when we set goals, all right?

What I say is, "Denise.

Denise the Piece. "

I mark it down. Oh, I write it up.

And you have been warned...

. .. because I have my lasers. . .

. .. I have my Tasers, I have my ICBMs. ..

. .. I have my bazookas, I have my jets pointed right at you.

Because me and my brothers, we like to celebrate...

. .. and on the first of May, we celebrate V-Day.

And come June, oh, baby, it is the lick of my spoon.

Come August, we like to celebrate...

. .. Saint Suck My Big Fat f*cking Sausage.

I set goals for myself. ..

. .. and when I say I do not wanna take it anymore. . .

. .. I will not take it anymore.

You think she's your friend, Geoff? You think she's your friend?

They're not your friends.

Do you really think she's gonna be there when things go bad?

Huh, guys? When things go wrong, do you think they're gonna be there for us?

Ho-ho, you think again.

Oh, f*cking Denise, Denise the Piece...

. .. you are gonna give me that cherry pie, sweet mama baby.

Oh, yeah, but listen up. That is not to say that we don't all need females as friends.

We're gonna learn later that having a couple of chick friends lying around.. .

. .. comes in real handy in setting jealousy traps. We'll get to that later.

Right now, what I want you guys to do is pull out your blue booklets, page 1 8.

We're going quickly. We're gonna workshop it later.

Eighteen, blue booklet.

"Form A Tragedy. "

This is simple and clean, and if done correctly...

. .. can be very, very effective in getting some bush.

Here we go. You call up your so-called friend and set a date.

Let's say make it around 7:30. You call her on the phone.

Hello?

Hi. Uh, is Claudia here?

She's sleeping.

Are you-? Are you her boyfriend?

You're Jimmy Gator, right?

That's right. What's your name?

I'm Ray.

- So are you her boyfriend? - No, I'm just a friend.

I see.

- Ha, ha, what are you doing here? I mean- - I'm her father.

Mind if I come in?

- Yeah, sure. - Thanks.

CLAUDIA: What the f*ck is this? JIMMY: It's me, Claudia. It's me.

What do you want? Why are you here?

I'd like to talk to you. Uh, your boyfriend let me in. I just-

That's not my boyfriend.

- Wanna call me a slut now or something? - No, I don't.

What the f*ck do you want?

- I wanna sit. I wanna talk to you. - Don't sit down.

I want to, uh- God, I want so many things.

- Maybe we could talk- - I don't wanna talk to you.

- There's things I have to talk to you about. - I don't want to talk to you.

That's all right. It doesn't have to be now.

We can make a date to set some other time.

I didn't mean to walk in on you like this.

Why are you here? Why are you doing this? Coming in here?

- You wanna call me a whore? - No, I- Claudia. . . .

I don't want you to think I'm that way to you.

- I'm not gonna call you a slut or something. - Yeah, ha, ha. Yeah, right.

What are you doing here?

What the f*ck are you doing in my house?

Please don't yell, honey. Just don't go crazy.

I'm not crazy! Don't you tell me that I'm crazy!

Claudia, I'm sick. I'm sick, Claudia.

- f*ck you. - No, no, please, listen to me.

- f*ck you! - Listen to me right now, Claudia.

I am dying.

I got sick, and then I fell down-

f*ck you! Get the f*ck out of my house.

I'm dying. I have cancer, Claudia.

I have cancer.

- And I'm dying very soon. - f*ck you.

- It's metastasized in my bones. - f*ck you!

Claudia, it's. ... I'm not lying to you. This is the truth.

I'm telling you, Claudia, I'm going to lose.

Get out.

Get out! Get the f*ck out of here!

- Get out! Go! - Your mother would like to hear from you.

f*ck you. Get out!

Get the f*ck out of my house now!

Get out!

Keep your body running good.

Prevention is everything.

If you don't maintain it, I'll be fixing it.

Keep fit. Stay healthy.

If your car is running good, take it to Jiffy Lube...

...and they offer Pennzoil.

Prevention.

It's worth it.

Hey, you don't wanna see me.

AVl: Don.

Hey, Avi.

Just one sec.

Say goodbye to the plastered-down look of heavy hairspray...

...and hello to the natural-looking-

- Please. Don't, Donnie. Don't do this.

This is so f*cked, Solomon! I don't deserve this!

Don't get strong, Donnie. This is making sense.

This is making a lot of sense.

You are not doing the job. The job I ask you to do.

A job I give you.

Over and over and over.

I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna say "I'm sorry" much more.

I don't have any money, Solomon. If you fire me-

I pay you. I give you a paycheck.

Your sales suck, Don.

I give. I give.

When I find you, when I meet you, what?

I put your name up on a f*cking billboard.

I put you in my store. My salesman.

My f*cking representation of Solomon Solomon Electronic.

The Quiz Kid, Donnie Smith, from the game show.

I lent you my celebrity, my name. Exactly.

Oh, f*ck you. f*ck you. I paid you! I paid you!

I gave you a f*cking chance, and a chance, over and over, and you let me down!

I trust you with so much!

Keys to my store. The codes to my locks. The life and blood of my business.

In return, you smash in 7-Eleven!

And late! Always late! Loans!

The loans for your kitchen that you never did.

I paid you back!

Two years! Two years later, and from your paycheck!

I never charged interest.

Solomon, please. Please.

I am so f*cked here if you do this.

This is the worst timing. The worst timing I could ever imagine.

I need to keep working.

I have so many debts, so many things.

I have- I have- I have- I have my surgery.

- My oral surgery coming. - What surgery?

Oral surgery. Corrective teeth surgery.

What is that? - Braces.

You don't need braces. - Yes, I do.

AVl: Your teeth are straight. - I need surgery!

I need corrective oral surgery.

Donnie, you got struck by lightning that time in Tahoe.

I don't think braces is a good idea.

Solomon, just let me ask you once, please.

Please don't do this.

AVl: How are you paying for the braces? - I don't know.

Well, that's just incredible. How much are braces, anyway?

It's, uh... It doesn't matter.

AVl: It's, like, $5000. I've seen it. I know. - Now you're pissing me off.

This is incredible. This is f*cking stupid.

You're paying $5000 for braces you don't need?

- I've been a good worker. - Don't.

- No need for braces. - Where are you gonna get the money?

- I don't know. - You were going to ask me.

- I have been a good worker. - No need for braces, Donnie.

That is none of your business!

I've been a good and loyal worker for you, you f*cking assholes!

- Hey, f*ck you. Watch it, now. - Give me your keys.

- No, don't- - Give me your f*cking keys!

OFFICER 1: Identified as Porter Parker, age 59...

. .. better known as the dead guy in the closet.

Says the building guy, this is her husband.

DETECTIVE 1: He comes around, raises some sh*t...

. .. screaming and yelling something.

There's a son and a kid.

- Her son? - Her son. That's right. And the kid.

They were here, and from late last night. . .

. .. and through the morning, screaming and yelling.

- Where are they? DETECTIVE 1: They are not to be found.

She's got $600 and a large box of condoms next to the bed.

- She was real belligerent- OFFICER 2: Three wedding rings.

Guys coming in and out all day. This is the building guy talking.

OFFICER 1: Building guy says the son and the closet guy are always going at it.

DETECTIVE 2: And what is she saying? OFFICER 1: Not a g*dd*mn thing.

Thanks, Randy. Whoa!

How much you pay me for my help?

It's more complicated than that, little man.

Put me on the payroll and find out. Find out what's up.

Okay, you don't just sign up to be a police officer.

- It's about three years of training, okay? - I'm trained. I'm ready to go.

- You wanna buy some candy to help-? - No. No, sorry, little man.

You wanna take my statement? I'll perform for you.

- Gotta get paid, though. Gotta get paid. - Mm-hm.

Why aren't you in school today?

No school today. My teacher got sick.

Oh, you don't have substitute teachers where you go to school?

No. So, what did they find out in there?

JIM: That is confidential information, little man.

DIXON: Tell me what you know. I'll tell you what I know.

JIM: No can do.

DIXON: Leave this one to the detectives, they ain't gonna solve sh*t.

I can help you. Make you the man with the plan.

Give you the gift that I flow. Think fast.

- You wanna know who k*lled that guy? - Okay. You come here.

DIXON: No. - Come here.

You wanna disrespect an officer of the law?

I can help you solve the case. I can tell you who did it.

Oh, you're a joker, huh? Telling me jokes?

- I'm a rapper. - Oh, you're a rapper. Oh, okay.

- You got a record contract? - Not yet.

Give you a clue for the bust if you show me some trust.

You ever been to juvenile hall?

I ain't f*cking with you!

Hey, watch the mouth. Watch it.

Come on, man, just watch me.

Watch and listen.

Okay.

Presence With the double-ass-meaning gifts I bestow

With my riff and my flow But you don't hear me, though

Think fast, catch me, yo

'Cause I throw what I know With a resonance

For your trouble-ass fiend In weaning yourself

Off of the back of the shelf

Jackass crackers, body-stackers

d*ck-tooting n*gg*r*s Masturbating your triggers

Hold it, homeboy. I don't need to hear that word.

Living to get older With a chip on your shoulder

Except you think you got a grip 'Cause your hip got a holster

Ain't no confessor, so, buster, you better just shut the f*ck up

Try to listen and learn

Whoa, cut it, Coolio. I've had enough of the mouth and the language.

I'm almost done.

Finish it up without the lip.

Check that ego Come off it, I'm the prophet

The professor I'm gonna teach you about the Worm

Who eventually turned to catch wreck With the neck of a long-time oppressor

And he's running from the devil But the debt is always gaining

And if he's worth being hurt He's worth bringing pain in

When the sunshine don't work The good Lord bring the rain in

Now, that sh*t will help you solve the case.

Okay. Whatever that meant.

I'm sure it's real helpful, Ice-T.

DIXON: Did you listen to me?

I was listening to you.

I told you who did it, and you're not even listening to me.

I'm through playing games.

Be cool. Stay in school, okay?

Get out of the street now.

Move it.

RICK: Come on, let's go. - You're late, not me.

RICK: You could have been in front. - I didn't see you from the window.

Well, you- Why didn't you just, uh-? I don't know.

You could have come in the front. I don't know. Hurry up.

- All right, you ready to keep winning? - Sure.

RICK: You okay?

Busted my ankle there.

You gotta have that makeup lady fix your hair.

Okay. - Okay? It's really wet.

- There you are. There you are. - I'm sorry we're late, Cynthia.

- Oh, that's all right. RICK: We got caught in traffic.

- Your book is okay. How you doing? - I'm fine.

Yeah? Yeah, you ready to go, go, go?

Know anybody involved in that Alan Thicke thing?

The Corey Haim thing? t*rror1st in the high school?

- Uh, no. - Where's Richard and Julia?

Oh, good. Um, they're here. They're fine.

They're in the dressing room, so we're all set.

- Okay. See you later. - You go to it, handsome.

- See you. - Okay, buddy, love you.

- Good luck, Rick. - Hey, Peter.

d*ck, d*ck. I'm sorry. d*ck.

f*ck. Can't get that f*cking name.

- Who's ready to b*at the record? JULIA'S DAD: That was close.

RICK: It's cats and f*cking dogs out there. - Cats and dogs indeed.

RICK: I've never seen it rain this bad since last year...

. .. because of La Nina or El Nino or whatever the sh*t.

RICK: Sorry I'm late.

- What was your name again? - Amy, Mr. Jennings.

d*ck: Call me D.J. You said Amy, right? Listen.

Trust me, you know. But stay focused.

Where's the news department?

CYNTH IA: It's upstairs. - Have you ever been there?

Oh, sure. Why?

I was wondering about the weather department.

- Uh-huh. - I was wonder whether the weather people.. .

. .. have outside meteorological services. . .

. .. or if they have in-house instruments.

Um, I can check on that, and later we can take a tour.

- Oh, okay. - Sounds good?

- You asking because it's raining outside? - I guess.

Uh-huh. What do you do? Whatever's happening, you look into?

- Something like that? - I don't know.

Ha, ha, you don't know, huh? Well, it's not a bad way to be.

Interested in everything that's going around.

Wet- Wet is wet. Just that simple.

Hi, Mary. - Hi, hon, Stanley.

Production.

Rose is on the phone. Here are the cards for today.

- Fifteen minutes to go over those cards. - Sorry.

- Find Paula for me. - You want her right now?

- Yes, now. - We're on the air in 20 minutes.

f*cking hell, Mary. Yeah, hi.

- Hi, how you doing? I'm drinking.

- Slowly or quickly? - As fast as I can.

You come home soon after the show.

I went to see her.

Some f*cking assh*le answers the door in his underwear.

He's 50 years old.

There's coke and sh*t laid out on the table.

Did she talk to you?

She went crazy. She went f*cking crazy, Rose.

- Did you tell her? - Oh, I don't know.

I gotta go. I don't have time.

I got a lot more drinking to do before I go on.

- I love you. - Love you too.

sh*t.

- Hello? JIM: Police! Open the door!

Who is it?

JIM: It's the LAPD! Open the door!

CLAUDIA: I'm coming!

I have to get dressed!

You're not coming fast enough! Open the door!

Didn't you hear me? I said I'm coming, and that means I'm coming!

I just have to get dressed, all right?

I really- I have to get dressed!

I hate coming here and not being able to talk.

It's fine. I understand.

I wish the circumstance was better.

I don't know what's gonna happen. It's so f*cked.

- I feel so over the top with everything. - Running out of your medication at all. . .

. .. let alone at a time like this, could be drastic.

Thank you, Dr. Diane.

- even your pocket. And the pocket fisherman's-

-7:30 this Saturday night.

- dollars and 99 cents. Hold it, Ron. It's only four easy-

NASDAQ trading at-

- Stanley Spector and his brilliant friends, Richard and Julia...

...can defeat today's adult challengers, Mim, Luis, and Todd.

They're moving towards a half-a-million-dollar team total...

...and a What Do Kids Know? record.

Pink Dot. - Hi. I'd like to get an order for delivery.

- Phone number? -81 8-725-4424.

- Partridge? - Yeah.

What would you like?

I'd like to get an order of, um, peanut butter. . .

- Mm-hm. - . . .uh, cigarettes, Camel Lights.

- Mm-hm. - Uh, water...

- Bottled water? - Um, no. You know what, forget the water.

- Just give me a loaf of bread. White bread. - Okay.

- And, um, do you have Playboy magazine? - Yeah.

Okay. One of those. And, uh, Penthouse, the magazine?

- Yeah. - You have that? Okay. Uh, one of those.

- And, um, Hustler? - Yeah.

- Do you have that? - Yeah, I said.

- That it? - Yeah, that's it.

You still want the peanut butter, bread, and cigarettes?

Yeah. What?

- The total is 31 .90. Thirty minutes or less. - Okay. Thank you.

- Is that cash or credit card? - Cash.

- Thanks. - Thank you.

- Bye. - Bye.

Respect the cock and tame the c**t!

Have a great lunch!

This is Gwenovier from Profiles. She's here for the interview.

- Nice to meet you. - I admire your work.

- Thank you. I have us set up in a suite- - It's not very safe for you here.

I finish one of these seminars, Gwenovier.. . .

I swear to f*cking God. I mean, I am Batman.

I'm Superman. I'm like a. . .. A f*cking. . . .

I'm like a f*cking action hero after that.

I could walk out if this room right now.

I could go down the hall, walk down the street. . .

. .. and pick up any little honey I meet that has even one second to stop.

GWENOVIER: All it takes is one second? - Just one second, girl.

One glance, one hesitation...

. .. one subtle look my way for me to know...

. .. and then it is:

Bing, bang, boom.

Oh, my God. Oh!

I'm away on a tangent.

- I tell you... GWENOVIER: Don't hurt yourself, okay?

I tell you, I do.

I get so f*cking jazzed at these seminars. . .

. .. see, because I am what I believe.

I do as I say.

I live by these rules. . .

. .. as religiously as I preach them.

That's why I am getting the nasty left, right, center, up, down, sideways.

The Battle of the Bush is being fought and won by Team Mackey.

- We're gonna start rolling now. - What? I thought we were rolling.

Come on, go, go, go, Gwenovier. I am f*ring pearls at you here.

I want you to know that I'm not succeeding in the bush...

. .. because I'm Frank T.J. Mackey. Ah, you think about this.

I mean, there are women. . .

. .. who, uh, wanna destroy me.

No. I find that hard to believe.

It makes it very difficult, twice as hard for me.

There's some hottie I'm moving in on...

. .. knows me, knows my, you know, my, uh, plans and my schemes, you know?

She's gonna wanna f*ck with me.

She's gonna go back, you know tell her friends: Yada, yada, yada...

"You know, Frank T.J. Mackey, he ain't all that. " You know.

"He ain't all that. Didn't get me. "

So, me, I am...

You know, I'm just on full afterburners.. .

- . . .full-throttle through hottie heaven. - Okay.

- Just dodging left. Dodging right. - Yes, I understand.

- Dodging these b*ll*ts from these t*rrorists. - I should've known this was gonna happen.

Calm down, take it easy, and be a good boy. ..

. .. okay, Mr. Mackey?

Thank you. Now, you sit back there...

. .. put your microphone on for me, please. . .

- Yes, ma'am. - So we can do this thing, all right?

Okay, um.. . .

- Okay. Let me start by asking you- - Just a second. One second.

You missed a button.

Thank you.

What do you wanna know?

Make it happen.

This is you, Donnie. Go, go, go.

Hello. You're back again, huh?

Yeah. Yes. Hi.

- What can I get you? - Uh, Diet Coke.

You look tired. You want one of these?

Better pour you one of these, huh?

WAITRESS: Can you ring me up?

Brad, good to see you. It's good to see you.

You make that down payment on the Harley yet?

Not yet. Not yet. I'll make it next week.

Six days. You'll be the first.

Ha, ha, I would love that.

- Want another one? - Yes.

Uh, I'd like a tequila.

WAITRESS: What kind? - It doesn't matter.

JIM: Open up the door now!

CLAUDIA: Yes, hi! Hello!

Yeah.

I'm sorry. I had to get dressed.

- You the resident here? - Yes.

- You alone in there? - Yes.

No one else in there with you?

No. What's wrong?

First of all, you're gonna have to turn down the music so we can have a conversation.

You mind if I come in?

No. Go ahead.

You got your neighbors real worried for you.

I'm sorry.

- You live alone? - Yes.

- What's your name? - Claudia.

- Claudia what? - Wilson.

Okay, Claudia Wilson...

- . . .are you trying to go deaf? - What? Ha, ha.

- Did you hear what I just said? - Yes, but I don't know what.. . .

Okay. You're listening to your music so loud. ..

- . . .you're gonna damage your ears. - Okay.

If you continue to listen to your music at that level. . .

. .. you're gonna damage not only your ears, but your neighbors' ears as well.

- I didn't realize it was that loud. - Yeah.

Well, that right there is the first sign of hearing loss, okay?

Okay.

I see you got your TV on there too.

You usually keep that on at the same time?

I don't know. I mean, um. . . . What is this?

- You been doing some dr*gs today, Claudia? - No.

- Have you been doing some drinking? - No, ha, ha.

Okay.

I got a call of a disturbance here.

Some loud music, A, and some screaming and yelling.

Has there been some screaming and yelling here?

Yes.

I had someone come to my door.

Someone that I didn't want here.

And I told them to leave, so it's no big deal.

They left. I'm sorry.

- Was that your boyfriend? - No.

- You don't have a boyfriend? - No.

Well, who was it?

I was. . .. He's gone.

I mean, it's not- It's over, you know?

You mind if I have a look around for your safety?

- It's fine. - Okay.

Uh, what-? What are you looking for?

Claudia, why don't you let me handle the questions. . .

- . . .and you handle the answers, okay? - Okay.

- I'm here to help you. - Okay.

- So do you still have to do homework? - Not as much as I used to.

Since we started, I haven't gone to school much.

- I've had so many auditions. - I don't have regular classes anymore.

- What do you do? - They let me have my own study time.

- My own reading time in the library. - That's pretty cool.

- Do you have an agent, Stanley? No.

You should get one. I'm serious. You could get a lot of stuff out of this.

- Like what? - What do you mean? Endorsements and sh*t!

- Richard. - Bite it, Cynthia.

You get stuff from people that want you to endorse their product.

Commercials, a sitcom, an M.O.W. or something.

- What's M.O.W.? - Hello. Movie of the week.

I went for one this morning with Alan Thicke and Corey Haim.

RICHARD: Was it a callback? JULIA: No, but I'll probably get a callback.

RICHARD: If we b*at the record, you might get a callback.

JULIA: I'll get it because I'm a good actress, Richard.

RICHARD: Saucy, saucy. CYNTH IA: Come on, guys. Settle down.

- Cynthia? - What do you want?

I gotta go to the bathroom. CYNTH IA: Can you hold it?

Yessiree! Whoa!

That was absolutely fantastic, and I thank you very much.

As a matter of fact, we may even take you folks on the road with us.

LUIS: That's my thing. Come on. I'm serious. Come on.

Milk and sports, man. You never heard-? Milk and sports, okay?

Anything baseball. Um, anything dealing with numbers. . .

. .. when it comes to those, you know, or who broke whatever record.

Any kind of dairy product, any kind- Dairy recipe...

. .. um, like goat milk, goat cheese, goat- All that stuff.

Wow, check this out over here.

So, um, look guys, just work with me on that. Work with me.

Excuse me, can you bring me low-fat milk, please?

A couple of ice cubes.

Ah, they don't look so tough.

Do they look smart? - No.

RICHARD: What are they gonna do, b*at us? Maybe.

We're not going out two days before we set the record.

It's not gonna happen.

RICHARD: Yeah. When they want us done...

. .. they'll call in the Harvard SWAT team or some sh*t.

Ready to run.

You smell like trouble. - I'm f*cking hammered.

- You okay? - You know.

Good. You have a chance to look those over?

Oh, come on. It's the same f*cking sh*t for 30 years, Burt.

You look like you have money in your pocket.

Maybe I'm just happy to see my friend Brad there.

DONNIE: Just throw some money around.

- Money, money, money. - It's Brad.

Ooh. This sounds threatening.

Do you have love in your heart?

I have love all over.

I even have love for you, friend.

- Is it real love? - Well-

The kind of love that makes you feel that intangible joy. . .

. .. in the pit of your stomach...

. .. like a bucket of acid and nerves running around...

. .. and making you hurt and happy and all over. ..?

You're head over heels?

You lost me with the last couple of cocktail words spoken, my boy. . .

. .. but I believe it's that sort of love.

Sounds nice to me.

I have love.

Hmm, a very chatty kind. Indeed you do, it seems.

No, I mean, I'm telling you.

I'm telling you, I have love.

Yes, and I'm listening avidly, fellow.

My name is Donnie Smith, and I have lots of love to give.

- Hello. - Hi.

Wow.

Lot of stuff here, huh?

It's 30 seconds.

- eye on you. I'll be back.

- Hi, Cynthia. - Jakety, Jakety.

RICHARD: The f*ck is going on over there?

- I gotta go to the bathroom. - Jesus Christ, Stanley.

No, no, no. You cannot do that. Let me explain something to you people.

You have to tone it. Don't be real aggressive like that.

Be subtly abusive so they don't know what's happening.

You say, "You're not gonna go outside and play with your friends. ..

. .. until that entire room is cleaned floor to ceiling. "

Oh, Julia's room's the same way.

JULIA'S DAD: Like a pigsty. But it's the outfits we're into now.

Oh, you should have seen what she had on walking out the door.

I said, "No. We're going to school, not a fashion show. "

RICHARD'S MOM: It's not a fashion show. It's school.

JULIA'S MOM: Absolutely. It's not a fashion show.

Shh.

Let's make some f*cking money here, people.

You with me, Jimmy?

JIMMY: The book says, "We may be through with the past...

. .. but the past ain't through with us. "

We met upon the level, and we're parting on the square.

In my f*cking sleep, Burt.

And five, four, three, two. . ..

Live from Burbank, California, its What Do Kids Know?

Going into our 33rd year on the air, it's America's longest-running quiz show. ..

. .. and the place where three kids get to challenge three adults. . .

. .. and in the end, we'll see who's the boss.

Moving towards their eighth consecutive week as champions. . .

...we have the kids: Richard, Julia, and Stanley.

And our new adult challengers today are Mim, Luis, and Todd.

And me, I'm d*ck Jennings...

. .. and now say hello to your favorite host and my boss...

. .. Jimmy Gator.

Back again, again, again. I'm Jimmy Gator, and believe it or not...

...we are at the end of Week 7, heading towards Week 8...

...with these three incredible kids, who- Hello, hello.

- are just two days and two games away from the What Do Kids Know? record...

...for the longest-running quiz show in television history.

Now, we are, as you know, endorsed by the PTA...

...and the North American Teachers' Foundation.

We keep our standards high, and that's why we are the longest-running quiz show...

...in television history. I wanna say something about these kids now.

These kids right here, I think they're gonna be here a while.

But today is a dangerous day...

...because I have just met with the adult challengers backstage...

...and let me tell you, they are a terrific challenge for our kids.

So let's get this show up and away, shall we?

DETECTIVE: We wanna know where your son is.

"Jerome Samuel Hall. " Did he fight your husband? Is this the Worm?

DETECTIVE: They had a fight. An accident. OFFICER: They call him Worm?

DETECTIVE: We wanna know where your son is.

- Help us, Marcie. - Do they call him Worm?

- Help us help your son, Marcie. OFFICER: Do they call him Worm?

DETECTIVE: Help us help your son, Marcie.

OFFICER: Your son and your grandson. Help us help them.

Is this the Worm?

JIMMY Let's jump right in.

A quick recap for those who don't know.

Round One. Three categories. Steals are okay.

Point scale escalating from 25 to 250, one of which is a conversation bonus.

- Hi. - That'll be 31 .90.

The categories are "authors, chaos versus superstring, and rub-a-dub. "

- Max. Thanks. - Bye.

Adults won a coin toss backstage, so they get to pick first.

Team captain: Mim.

First question, for 25.

This female author's most famous work: O Pioneers!

PH IL: H- E-R.

JIMMY: Stanley? - Willa Cather.

Willa Cather for 25.

Best known for the tragedy-of-blood genre, this playwright-

- Stanley. - Thomas Kyd.

Thomas Kyd.

This French playwright and actor joined the Bejart troupe of actors-

- Stanley. - Moliere.

Oh, I'm afraid I'm gonna need a full name, Stanley.

Jean Baptiste Poquelin Moliere.

What the f*ck is this?

God damn. My little fucker. Ha-ha-ha!

I have no idea where he gets this sh*t. He's a f*cking genius, really.

Seduce and Destroy. This is Chad.

Can I have your phone number?

- Is this Seduce and Destroy? - Yes, it is. Can I have your phone number?

Okay, I don't want to order anything. Uh, you see... .

I have a situation, uh, that's just come up that's really pretty serious.. .

. .. and I don't know who to talk to or what I should do. . .

. .. but maybe you could put me in touch with somebody if I explain myself?

Uh, we're really only equipped to take orders here, sir.

I mean, it's just us with the phones, and that's what we do, you know-

Okay, okay, okay. Could you connect me with somebody else, you think?

Well, what's the situation?

Okay, great, um. . . .

All right. Let me try to explain myself without it seeming crazy.

But here I go. I'm- No.

Uh, my name is Phil Parma. . .

. .. and I work for, uh, a man named Earl Partridge.

Uh, Mr. Earl Partridge.

I'm his nurse, and he's a very sick man.

He's a dying man, and he's sick...

. .. and he has asked me to help him.

To help him find his son.

- Hello? Are you there? Hello? - No, I'm here. I'm listening.

Okay. Um, you see...

. .. Frank T.J. Mackey is Earl Partridge's son.

So where are you from originally?

From around here. - Valley?

- Well, Hollywood, mainly. - What did your parents do?

Uh, my father- Well, he was in television. My mother-

- This is going to sound silly to you. - Try me.

- Uh, she was a librarian. - Why does that sound silly?

I don't know. I guess it doesn't.

- Does your mother still work? - No, she's retired.

- Are you close? - She's my mother.

Yes, but, uh, I mean, she's a woman too. . .

. .. so how does she feel about Seduce and Destroy?

I mean, what does she say?

Well, she says, uh, "You go get them, honey. "

Uh-huh. And what about your father?

Oh, my father. Unfortunately, he passed away.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea. - No, please.

I wouldn't have brought that up if I had known.

- That's a very hard thing. - Please.

Yes, it is, but listen.

I mean, you have to move forward. The past has its place.

- It was a long time ago, and people die. - Yeah.

Okay, let's switch gears here. Um...

According to your book, you ended up at UC Berkeley?

'84 to '89.

- Psychology major. - That's right.

- Get your masters? - Hmm? Oh.

- This close. Wow .

- That's impressive in five years. - Cap, can I have some coffee?

Can I get you anything?

- No, no, no, I'm good. Thank you. - You sure? Okay.

- She's good. I need coffee. - Ha, ha.

PHARMACIST: Cats and dogs out there, huh?

Must have a lot going on for all that stuff back there, huh?

You could, uh...

Heh. You could have quite a party, all that stuff.

You been on Prozac long? Dexedrine?

- I don't. . . . - Interesting dr*gs.

Dexedrine's basically speed in a pill, you know.

I guess a lot of the doctors are balancing out the Prozac with the Dexedrine, so. . . .

That liquid morphine will knock you down, out. . .

. .. around, up and down, someone's not careful.

You can't mix those up, you know.

Strong, strong stuff here, boy. Wow!

What you have wrong, you need all this stuff?

- m*therf*cker. - What?

- m*therf*cker. You f*cking assh*le. - What are you talking about?

- Who the f*ck do you think you are? - I'm just trying-

I come in here. You don't know me. You don't know who I am, what my life is. . .

. .. and you have the balls, the indecency to ask me a question about my life?

- Please, lady, calm down. - f*ck you too! Don't you call me "lady"!

I come in here, I give these things to you.. .

. .. you check, you make your phone calls. . .

. .. look suspicious, ask questions.

I'm sick.

I have sickness all around me, and you f*cking ask me my life?

"What's wrong?"

Have you seen death in your bed? In your house?

Where's your f*cking decency? And then I'm asked f*cking questions.

"What's wrong?"

You suck my d*ck, that's what's wrong.

And you. You f*cking call me "lady"?

Shame on you!

Shame on you. Shame on both of you.

Why don't they have the same last name?

Because they don't have the same last name.

PH IL: I know, and I can't really explain that, but I think-

I have a feeling there is something, you know, a situation between them. . .

. .. like they don't know each other much or well, you know?

Something like they don't talk much anymore, even.

Uh-huh.

You know? God, does this sound weird?

Ha, ha. I just don't understand why you're calling me.

Well, there's no number for Frank in any of Earl's stuff.. .

. .. you know, and he's pretty out of it.

I mean, like I said, he's dying.

Dying of cancer. So...

- What kind of cancer? - It's brain and lung.

- My mother had breast cancer. - Oh, I'm sorry.

- Is she all right? - Oh, she's fine now.

- Oh, that's good. - It was scary, though.

- Oh, it's a hell of a disease. - Oh, it sure is.

- Yeah. - Well, so, uh...

Wait, I'm sorry. So why call me?

I know this sounds silly, and I know that I might sound ridiculous...

. .. like this is the scene of the movie...

. .. where the guy is trying to get ahold of the long-lost son. . .

. .. you know, but this is that scene. This is that scene.

And I think they have those scenes in movies. . .

. .. because they're true, you know.

Because they really happen.

And you gotta believe me, this is really happening.

I mean, I can give you my number and you can go check. . .

. .. with whoever you gotta check with. . .

. .. but do not leave me hanging on this.

All right? Please. I'm just- Please.

See. . . .

See, this is, uh, the scene of the movie where you help me out.

You're great. These are great questions.

GWENOVIER: Thank you. Good, good. - This is going great.

See, I thought you grew up here in the Valley.

Yeah. You know, like I said. Around.

You went to Van Nuys High, right?

I wouldn't say I went. I frequented.

I was misguided, pathetic. Not the Frank T.J. Mackey. . .

. .. you're so eagerly, uh, wanting to put on national television.

Because I was swimming in what was as opposed to what I wanted.

- Where does that name come from? - What name? My name?

Yeah. It's not your given name, right?

It's my mother's name, actually. That's good. Good. Done your research.

- And "Frank"? - Frank is my mother's father.

Oh, okay. That's why. See, I had some trouble. . .

. .. locating your school records at, um, UCLA and, uh, Berkeley.

And it's your name change. See, they had no official enrollment for you.

- No, no, no, they wouldn't. - They wouldn't?

No, because I was never officially enrolled there.

- Was that unclear? - Kind of.

Oh. God, I wouldn't want that to be misunderstood.

No, uh, my enrollment was totally unofficial.

Sadly, I couldn't afford to pay the tuition up there.

There were three wonderful professors who let me to sit in their classes.

Their names were Macready, Horn, and Langtree, among others.

You're welcome to call them if you like. See, I didn't get a free ride. . .

. .. so, what we're looking at here is a true rags-to-riches story.

That's why people respond so strongly to Seduce. . .

. .. because at the end of the day, Seduce may not be just...

. .. about picking up chicks, sticking your cock in.

It's about finding out what you can be in this world...

. .. defining it, controlling it, and saying, "I will take what is mine. "

And you happen to get a little blow job out of it...

- . . .then, hey, what the f*ck? Why not? - Ha, ha, okay. There you go.

End of Round One. Excellent work, ladies and germs.

I think we should take a look at the scores here.

Kids are up a leg with 1 500...

. .. and the adults are down a little bit with 1 025.

So we'll be back for Round Two in a ring-ding-do.

Whoa, hello, hello. Bonus musical question.

And the winner is...

. .. kids.

Uh, kids are in the lead. They get a chance to pull further ahead. . .

. .. if they can answer the following secret-bonus musical question.

Now, what I'm going to do is read a line from an opera.

Give me that line back. . .

. .. in the language in which the opera was written. . .

. .. and for a bonus 250- Um, 250- Uh, 250...

. .. uh, you can sing it. Heh.

Here's the line.

"Love is a rebellious bird that nobody can tame...

. .. and it's all in vain to call it if it chooses to refuse. "

Yes, Stanley.

Well, that was in French. . .

. .. and that was from the opera Carmen...

. .. and that goes:

- You got some coffee brewing here. CLAUDIA: It's not-

It's been on for a bit.

Yeah, I like iced coffee, generally. . .

. .. but a day like today, you know, with the rain and whatnot...

. .. I enjoy a warm cup.

Do you want a cup?

Is that all right? Just raining cats and dogs out there.

I'd just as soon not go back in it. Heh.

I don't know how fresh it's gonna be.

Oh, I'm sure it's fine, Claudia.

Do you, um, take cream or sugar?

That would be fine. Um-

So, Claudia, let me just say, so I can get my role as an LAPD officer. ..

. .. out of the way before we enjoy our coffee.

I don't like to talk shop over coffee.

I'm not gonna write you up.

I'm not gonna give you a citation here. . .

. .. but the real problem we have here is that you got people around you...

. .. people who work from home trying to get some work done...

. .. and if you're listening to your music that loud, they're inconvenienced by that.

If you had a job, you'd probably understand, but...

You like listening to your music. That's fine. That's fine. Um. . ..

You're just gonna wanna keep an eye on the volume level.

You know, maybe memorize what number you see on the dial.

If it's the middle of the day, that's what I do.

I set it at two and a half, and then I know that's a good listening level for me.

But, uh, you like listening to your music loud.

That's fine. That's cool. It's good to rock out sometimes.

But you can't do it every day. . .

. .. or else you risk damaging your ears. Seriously.

- You listen to it all the time like that? - Yeah.

You're gonna drive these people crazy.

Anyway, you get the point.

- Yes. - Okay.

Um...

Cheers.

- So this boyfriend bothering you? - I don't have a boyfriend.

- The gentleman who was at the door- - He's not my boyfriend.

Okay. A lot of times, in domestic-abuse situations. . .

. .. the young woman is afraid to speak out.

You don't have to be afraid to tell me anything.

And as a police officer, I can tell you. ..

. .. it goes bad places.

Young woman is afraid, next thing you know, I'm here on a 1 87.

It's not- What's a 1 87?

It's not good. And it's where situations like this always lead.

It's not my boyfriend, and it's not anything.

It's over. Really. It's not. He won't come back.

- I don't wanna have to come back here- - You won't have to.

You know, I- I wouldn't mind coming back.

You know, get a look at your pretty face again.

I'll be right back.

Here you go.

Let's get the jacket off. It will help you to breathe.

I can't f*cking do this.

I've, uh-

I think- I'm gonna throw up, I think.

I haven't thrown up since I was 20 years old.

Cynthia.

You are the man.

- What's the problem? - I need to go to the bathroom.

Jesus Christ, Stanley. You can't go now.

You have one minute before we're on the air.

Now is not the time to go to the bathroom.

RICHARD: Why does this always happen? - Hey.

Excuse me, is there a problem over there?

Mind your own business.

- You better watch your mouth. - Why don't you mind your own business?

LUIS: Oh, no, she didn't. - Cool down. Cool it, please.

Now, Stanley, wait for the commercial break, then you can go.

- Just hold it. LUIS: Where did they get these kids?

Don't taunt the kids.

- I'm trying to be helpful. CYNTH IA: Don't start trouble, Luis.

Honey, you haven't seen trouble. Wait till next commercial break.

- What's the problem? - Nothing.

Lily! Please!

FRANK Order Seduce and Destroy...

- Get away from me, you shithead! - Okay.

Can't afford it? We'll work out something for you.

Seduce and Destroy will change your life.

Watch out, watch out, watch out.

No.

Don't, don't, don't.

- I'm gonna save you. - Hi? Hello? Okay.

I guarantee, money-back guarantee-

- Don't eat these. - This will change your life.

It's gonna help you get that naughty sauce that you...

- For a low cost of 49.99... PH IL: Here you go.

Come on out of the cold and order Seduce and Destroy...

...for the low cost of 49.99. We take all credit cards.

- I take Visa, MasterCard... PH IL: Out of the trash, out of the trash.

Hey, Phil, are you there?

- It's Chad. - Yeah. Hi, Chad.

Yeah, listen, I'm gonna put you in touch with Janet, Frank's assistant.

- Okay. - And she's gonna see what she can do.

Thank you very much, and good luck to you and your mother.

Thanks, man. You too. Okay, Janet, are you there?

Hello? All right, Janet, you have Phil Parma.

Okay?

I have cancer, Mary. I have about two months.

I have no time.

It's in my bones. I don't have a chance.

- Oh. - I'm f*cked.

DIRECTOR: And 15 seconds. LUIS: You got any cookies or anything?

DIRECTOR: Ten seconds.

And five, four, three, two. . ..

We're back, ready for Round Two.

We're talking to our adult contestants here today.

Uh, Mim, it says here that you live in California...

...and that you have two kids.

MIM: Right. I have a six-year-old son...

Do you know who I am?

You're a friend of the family, I presume.

What does that mean?

Nothing special. Just a spoke in the wheel.

You talk in rhymes and riddles and rub-a-dub...

. .. but that doesn't mean anything to me. See, see- See, I used to be smart.

I'm "Quiz Kid" Donnie Smith.

I'm "Quiz Kid" Donnie Smith from TV.

It might have been before my time.

I remember now. In the sixties, right?

- I'm "Quiz Kid" Donnie Smith. - Like you said.

Smart kid. You got struck by lightning at one time, right?

DONNIE: So what?

- I heard about that. - Did it hurt?

DONNIE: Yes.

But you're all right now. So, what's the what?

- What? - That's right.

I used to be smart. Now I'm just stupid.

Ha! Brad, dear, who was it that said:

"A man of genius has seldom been ruined but by himself"?

Um...

The lovely Samuel Johnson. - Ah.

Who also spoke of a fellow who was not only dull...

. .. but a cause of dullness in others.

DONNIE: The cause of dullness in others.

- Picky, picky. - Let me tell you this.

Samuel Johnson never had his life sh*t on...

. .. and taken from him, and his money stolen.

Who took his life and his money?

His parents? His mommy and daddy?

Make him live this life like this.

A man of genius who gets sh*t on as a child...

. .. and that scars. That hurts.

Have you ever been hit by lightning?

It hurts. It doesn't happen to everyone.

It's an electrical charge.

It finds its way across the universe.. .

. .. and it lands in your body and your head.

And as for "ruined but by himself"...

. .. not if his parents took his freaking life. ..

. .. and his money, and tell you to do this. . .

. .. and to do that, and if you don't, well... .

Your parents took your money that you won on that game show?

Yes. They did.

What does that mean, "a spoke in the wheel"?

Things go round and round, don't they?

Yes, they do. They do.

But I'll make my dreams come true.

Sounds sad as a weeping willow.

I used to be smart.

But now I'm just stupid.

Shall we drink to that?

Um, I wanna talk a little bit more about your background.

You made, um, some references earlier. ..

. .. to, uh, subjective human experiences and terrible things, and, um. . . .

Actually, I'm confused about your past, is the thing.

- Is that still lingering? It's so boring. - Just to clarify.. . .

- Just wanna clear some things up. - Useless. Mm.

Excuse me. See- Thank you, Muff. It's a funny thing that-

This is an important element of Seduce and Destroy.

Facing the past is an important way of not making progress.

This is something I tell my men over and over and over.

GWENOVIER: This isn't meant, um...

See, I try to teach my students to ask:

"What is it in aid of?"

- Are you asking me that? - Yes.

- Well, in trying to figure out who you are. . . . - In aid of what?

Well, Frank, I'm saying that in trying to figure out who you are-

I have more important things...

- . . .to put myself into. - Well, no, it's all important.

I think this is something important. ..

. .. that you might need to think about putting yourself into.

- Mm. Not really. - Um, look, Frank...

. .. it's not like I'm trying to att*ck you here.

- No. - I just-

Okay. Hey, this is how you wanna spend your time, then go, go, go.

But you're gonna be surprised at what a waste it is.

"The most useless thing in the world is that which is behind me. " Chapter Three.

We talked earlier about your mother.. .

. .. and we talked about your father and his death.

I don't want to be challenging, but I have to ask, um...

I just wanna clarify something. Something that I understand...

- I'm not sure I hear a question in here. - I'm trying to put this as delicately as I can.

What's the question?

- Do you remember a Miss Simms? - I know a lot of women.

- I'm sure she remembers me, ha, ha. - She does. From when you were a boy.

- Yeah? - She lived in Tarzana.

That's my old stomping ground.

Is this the att*ck portion of the interview?

- Is the girl coming in for the k*ll? - No. This is about getting something right. . .

. .. and clarifying answers to an earlier question.

What question?

I was told that your mother d*ed, Frank.

That's what you heard.

Do you remember Miss Simms?

- No. - Well, I talked to Miss Simms. . .

. .. your neighbor and caretaker after your mother d*ed in 1 980. . .

. .. and in my research...

. .. I have you listed as the only son of Earl and Lily Partridge.

And what I learned from Barbara Simms is that your mother, Lily...

. .. d*ed in 1 980.

So, see, it's my understanding that information supplied. . .

. .. by you and your company...

. .. and the answers to the questions I've asked is incorrect. . .

. .. and if I wanna get to the bottom of who you are and why you are. . .

. .. then I think that your family history, your actual family history...

Well, this is important.

What is your f*cking question?

Well, I guess my question is this:

Why would you lie, Frank?

Kids, adults...

. .. I would like you to put yourself at a picnic.

Uh, place yourself there with your family and friends, if you'd like.

You'll hear three musical notes, and you are to tell me...

. .. what it might represent that you would find at a picnic.

The first three notes. Guys?

JIMMY: Yes, Todd. - Well, Jimmy, I know this.

I have perfect pitch, you see, and that would be A-D-E...

- ... and that would represent lemonade. JIMMY: For 250. Next notes, please.

JIMMY: Todd? That's E-G-G, which would be egg.

JIMMY: For 500. And the third set of notes. Guys?

- You don't want any water? - No. I just. . ..

I'm so f*cked up right now, Alan.

- There's just so much. So many things. - Are you on dr*gs right now?

If I tell you something, if I say things, then- You're a lawyer, right?

You can't say anything, tell anybody. It's like a privilege. Attorney/client.

- You understand? - Not exactly.

Like a shrink. If I go see a shrink, I'm protected.

I can say things. Oh, f*ck.

- I don't know what I'm doing. - Linda, you're safe, okay? It's all right.

You're my friend. You and Earl are clients.

Whatever you wanna say won't leave this room.

You have something you wanna say to me. . . .

I have to tell you something. I have something to tell you.

I wanna change his will. Can I change his will? I need to.

No, you can't change his will. Only Earl can.

No, no, no. You see, um. . .

. .. I never loved him.

I never loved him. Earl.

When I met him- When I started- I met him, I f*cked him, and I married him. ..

. .. because I wanted his money. You understand?

Uh, I'm telling you this.

I've never told anyone. Uh, I didn't love him...

. .. but now- I know I'm in that will. We were all there.

We made that thing. And the money I'll get. I don't want it, because I love him now.

I've fallen in love with him now for real, as he's dying, and...

Uh, I look at him, and he's about to go, Alan. He's moments...

I took care of him through this, Alan. What now, then?

JIMMY: Let's listen.

"Hello, Mary. How are you and the seven kids?

As you probably heard by now, we sure gave that Pope a run for his money. "

JIMMY: Mim. MIM: Um, that would be Robert E. Lee.

His wife was Mary Parke Custis. I know he had seven children.

Um, and he would be talking about Pope, who he defeated at the Battle of Manassas.

JIMMY: Absolutely right, Miss Mim. Next question.

Come on, come on, come on. Snap out of it, man.

Come on. Stanley.

Bonjour, Josephine. Maintenant je suis en Egypte.

JIMMY: Yes, Mim.

MIM: Um, that would be Napoleon speaking to Josephine.

JIMMY: Absolutely right, for 500. Next voice.

I don't want him to die. I didn't love him when we met.. .

. .. and I did so many bad things to him that he doesn't know.

Things that I want to confess to him. But now I do. I love him.

- Linda, what kind of medication are you on? - This isn't any f*cking medication talking!

Can you give me nothing? You have power of attorney.

Can you go in the final f*cking moments and change the will?

I- I don't want any money.

I couldn't live with myself with this thing that I've done.

I f*cked around. I f*cking cheated on him. I f*cking cheated on him.

There. There. You're his lawyer, our lawyer.

I am his wife. We are married. I broke the contract of marriage.

I f*cked around on him many times. I sucked other men's cocks.

Adultery is not against the law.

It's not something you can use in court to discredit the will.

- Linda. Linda, calm down. - I can't.

You don't have to change the will.

If you wanna take nothing, renounce the will when the time comes.

What does that mean? Where does the money go?

- It goes to the nearest relative. - What's that? Frank?

No, no, no. That can't happen. Earl doesn't want him to have anything.

- That's what will happen. - This is so f*cked up.

Linda, stop!

Now, you take a moment, you breathe...

- . . .and one thing at a time. - Shut the f*ck up.

- You want me to help you? - Shut the f*ck up.

- You need to sober up. - Now, you must really shut the f*ck up.

Now. Please, shut the f*ck up.

- Linda. - I have to go.

- Let me call you a car, Linda. - Shut the f*ck up.

JIMMY: Now, imagine that you are attending a jam session...

. .. of classical composers...

. .. and they have each done an arrangement of the classic favorite, "Whispering. "

Now, we have here the New World Harmonica Trio. . .

. .. who are going to play, uh-

Uh, three, um- Uh, variations on the theme...

. .. as the, uh- As-

As three classical composers might have written it.

So you are to name the, uh, first composer.

Guys?

JIMMY: Yes, Todd. - Well, Jimmy, that sounded like Brahms.

Uh, a bit like his "Hungarian Dance Number Six. "

That is excellent, Todd. Next composer, guys.

Stanley the man.

I don't know the answer.

That is not right.

That's not right, Stanley.

The correct answer is Ravel.

Ravel.

Uh, and now I'm gonna have our three whistlers, um...

. .. please to present the next, uh, musical... .

There were three, uh, musical sections here. . .

. .. and this will be the third section that the whistlers. . ..

Um, and they'll play a piece that's...

It's very recognizable. It's Chopin, actually, and, uh.. . .

Well, it's taken- It's in the style of "Marche Militaire. "

It's a very recognizable piece.

So if you please just listen to this. . .

. .. and I'm sure you can identify the, uh. ...

I'm sort of giving away the answer here, but-

It's Chopin. I don't mean to give away the answer.

It's just- Please, just-

Well, sing us a ditty, guys. A Chopin ditty.

Let's have a Chopin ditty here. I can't. . . .

- Go to the card. Go to the f*cking card. - Go to the card. Go.

Go to the card.

Okay, I'm back.

JIM: For not a fresh cup, this is a good cup of coffee.

CLAUDIA: Thank you. What do you wanna talk about?

I don't know.

- Do you want to talk? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Okay. - Um...

What's your name?

Jim Kurring.

Call 911. - I think I had a stroke.

No, no, no. I'm fine. I'm all right.

- I wanna finish the show. No, we need to call this quits.

- Get your hands off me. - Let this guy help you.

- Look, I just- I'll tell you what happened. - Call 91 1 . Do it right now, Mary.

I fell down and I couldn't see for a minute, but I'm okay. Get your hands off me.

- Did you f*cking piss your pants? - Shut up.

- What happened? What's going on? - Nothing. Go away.

Don't tell me to go away.

I'm the coordinator for the show, and you will answer the questions I ask.

- Now, what is going on? You- - What's the problem?

- Nothing. I'm fine. - Why didn't you answer those questions?

- I didn't know the answer. - Bullshit! Bullshit!

You know the answer to every question.

I knew the answers. I'm not half as smart as you. ..

. .. so what the hell happened?

- I don't know. - He pissed his pants.

You pissed your pants?

- No, I didn't. I'm fine. - Stand up.

- I said I'm fine. I'm fine. - Stand up.

Oh, Jesus, Stanley, what the f*ck did you do that for?

I just wanna keep playing. I'll keep playing. I'm fine.

That's great.

I mean, you know that, to a performer, that's food, right?

That shows that you love him, and I'm sure he appreciates it.

Everything's fine. Relax. Relax, darling. Everything's fine.

I'm okay.

All right, see? I'm all right.

It's pretty f*cking stupid, isn't it? Jesus Christ.

What the f*ck do they think out there?

They must be laughing their asses off.

Tell them I got a bad knee or some f*cking thing.

Ha, ha. This is f*cking funny.

- What do you guys wanna do? - Just what I said.

- Are we going to continue with this game? - Yes.

All right, you look at me. Look at me.

You are two days away from this record. Okay? Nobody's ever done that.

You get through this, I'll get you anything you want. Anything.

- You just gotta get through this, okay? - Okay.

Hang in there, buddy. I'm sorry I squeezed your arm.

Hey. I love you.

- Are we doing this? f*cking stupidity.

- Why don't I put the medic on? - Don't let him do this.

- He's been doing it for 30 years. - You don't know.

It's a f*cking game show, Mary.

Hear that?

JIM: Ah, yeah. Does that hurt? - No.

- What is it? - It's in my ear.

It's, um, TMJ.

It's what it's called. Technically.

How about they just call it, you know, "clicking jaw"?

- "Pain in the jaw," yeah. Ha, ha. - Yeah. How about that?

- Be easier to remember. - Yeah. It gets. ...

I- I don't even know if I have it, actually.

WOMAN 15-L-27, 15-L-27, head out to...

I'm sorry.

1 5-L-27, I'm currently code seven.

I'm sorry. This is my job.

L-27, roger.

William-35, can you see if you can raise 10-William-28 for me?

Roger. Disregard. It was just the information passed on.

You were just getting warmed up. Getting started.

Yeah. I gotta go.

Well, if this joker shows up again, or you got your music up too loud.. .

. .. maybe we can have another cup of coffee.

If you're not here for a 1 87.

- No. Do not joke about that, okay? - Okay.

- I seen too many of those. - I'm sorry.

No. it's all right. You were kidding. It's okay.

All right.

Well, you keep your chin up and your music down, okay?

Yes, I will. It was nice to meet you, Officer Jim.

- Just Jim. - Yeah. Good. Okay.

- Okay. Bye-bye, Claudia. - Bye.

- What is it? Did you forget something? - No. No, I'm...

I was- I was wondering. . . .

Man, I feel like a bit of a scumbucket doing this. . .

. .. since I came here as an officer of the law...

. .. but I feel like I'd be a fool if I didn't do something I really wanna do. ..

- . . .which is to ask you for a date. - You wanna go on a date with me?

- Please, yes. - Ahem.

- Well, is that illegal? - Sort of.

Then I'd like to go. What do you wanna do?

I don't know. I hadn't thought about it. That's not true. I have thought about it.

I've been thinking since you opened the door.

- Really? - Yeah.

I thought you were flirting with me.

You want to go tonight?

I'm- No- I'm off tonight, yeah. That would be-

- What time? -8 o'clock.

- I don't get off until 10:00. -10 o'clock.

- Okay. - Yeah.

- Yeah. Fine. - Yeah. Bye.

GWENOVIER: Frank, I'm really not trying to att*ck you here.

I think that if you have something that needs to be cleared up, well, then...

I was told that your father is Earl Partridge.

I was told that he left you and your mother...

. .. and you were forced to take care of your mother during her illness. . .

. .. that you took care of your mother while she struggled with cancer. . .

. .. and that Miss Simms became your caretaker. . .

. .. when your mother finally passed away.

Can you talk about your mother, Frank?

No, not true. You know what? Even if you don't get to pump her. . .

. .. you still need to start honing your skills on a feminist.

- You need to do that. I will.

- This is Doc. Doc, it's Janet.

- What's up, Janet? - I have to talk to Frank. Is he nearby?

- Uh, he's in the interview, Janet. - Interrupt him.

- Get him on the phone with me right away. - What happened?

Doc, go get Frank and put him on the phone.

GWENOVIER: Oh, come on, Frank.

What are you doing?

What am I doing?

Yeah.

I'm quietly judging you.

And five, four, three, two. . ..

Yeah?

Oh, boy, what a day. What a round.

Back and in for me. . .

. .. and the final one-on-one round to determine who's who today.

Let's check the scores on the board, shall we?

Well, the kids have an even 2000...

. .. and the adults are way up with 47.

Now, that doesn't mean that this game is out of reach for the kids.

- Elders, who's the lucky so-and-so? - It's gonna be me, Jimmy.

Come on over, Mim.

I don't wanna go. I can't do it this time.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

You have to go, Stanley. You're the smartest.

I don't wanna go. Why can't one of you do it?

RICHARD: If you don't f*cking stand up and get over there, I'm gonna b*at your ass.

I'm sick of being the one who always has to do everything.

- I don't wanna be the one always. JIMMY: Kids, I don't even have to ask.

Stanley, get your butt over here.

I'm sick.

I'm sick here now.

I confuse melancholy with depression sometimes.

- Mm-hm. - You see?

Why don't you run along now, friend? Your dessert is getting cold.

- I'm sick. Stay that way.

I'm sick, and I'm in love.

You seem the sort of person who confuses the two.

That's right.

That's the first time you've been right.

I confuse the two, and I don't care.

Hey. Hey!

I love you.

I love you, and I'm sick.

I'll talk to you- I'll talk to you tomorrow.

I'm getting corrective oral surgery tomorrow, for my teeth.

I love you, Brad. Brad the bartender.

If you wanna love me back, I'll be good to you.

I'll be g*dd*mn good for you.

I won't be mad if you don't know who said what.

I won't punish you if you get the answer wrong.

Brad, honey. - I can teach and tell you...

You have a special secret crush over there, I think.

Don't treat him too lovely. He might get hurt.

- You shut up! Mind your own business. - Gently, son.

I know you don't love me now.

It's a dangerous thing to confuse children with angels.

Wanna know the common element for the entire group, like he asked?

I'll tell you the answer, because I had that one.

I had that question.

Uh, carbon. Carbon.

In pencil lead, it's in the form of graphite. ..

. .. in coal, it's mixed up with other impurities. . .

. .. and in the diamond, it's in hard form.

"Well, all we really wanted to know was the common element, Donnie...

. .. but thank you for all that unnecessary knowledge. Ha, ha.

Kids. Heads so full of useless knowledge.

Thank you. Thank you. "

The book says, "We may be through with the past...

. .. but the past is not through with us. "

And. . . .

No, it is not dangerous to confuse children with angels.

Yeah. Okay.

Well, that is what I wait for.

I wait for those calls. And I wait and I pray.

And sometimes Jesus says:

"Jim, I got a surprise for you today.

I want you to meet this young lady, okay?

Now, where it goes from there is up to you.

And I don't think you're gonna screw it up, okay?"

And, God, I'm telling you right now...

. .. I will not screw it up. You gave me an opportunity.

I'm gonna treat this young lady right.

I'm a happy cop.

Yeah. It's called jaywalking. Slow down.

Uh, I'm gonna pass, Jimmy.

JIMMY: Stanley, passing to one of the other kids.

We want Stanley to go, Jimmy.

I don't wanna go.

- Walking towards the elevator, Janet. Fine. Phil, are you still there?

PH IL: Yeah, I'm here. I wanna ask you one question.

Phil, have you talked to anyone else about this?

PH IL: No, I haven't. Good, let's keep it that way, okay?

All the security and whatnot. You understand?

This could be a delicate situation for the family.

What's going on? What's happening? Doc, f*ck off.

Phil, hang in just one more minute, okay?

- I'm gonna put you on hold. PH IL: Thank you.

How close are you, Doc?

Richard? Julia?

Kids, what's going on?

I need a player here for one-on-one.

RICHARD: We want Stanley to go, Jimmy, and we're not sure why he won't.

I always go. I always answer the questions, and I don't wanna do it anymore.

What the f*ck is he doing? What's wrong with him?

I have no idea.

- I'm getting off the elevator, Janet. Good. Good boy.

I'm walking down the hall.

This f*cking kid ain't getting up, and we don't have a show.

Live television, ladies and germs. Heh.

Little prick.

- What is this, a point? A game? - What the hell is he doing?

Come on. Get the f*ck up, kid, come on.

Time's up.

So that's what you did? You sat it out?

You wanted my time. I gave it to you.

You called me a liar. You made accusations.

You said:

"Well, if I had known, then I wouldn't have asked. "

So it's not an att*ck.

See, I don't wanna be the sort of fella who doesn't keep his word...

. .. so I gave you my f*cking time, bitch.

- Now f*ck- - Unh!

It's f*cking Janet. There's a situation on the phone.

FRANK Ifyou order now, you can get Seduce and Destroy...

...plus videos and audio cassettes, and a coupon...

...for Frank T.J. Mackey's next seminar.

The indecision of a child, ladies and germs.

This isn't funny.

This isn't cute.

See, the way we're looked at. . . .

Because I'm not a toy.

I'm not a doll.

The way we're looked at because you think we're cute.

Because what?

What? I'm made to feel like a freak...

. .. if I answer questions. . .

. .. or I'm smart. . .

. .. or I have to go to the bathroom?

What is that, Jimmy?

What is that?

I'm asking- I'm asking you that.

I'm not sure, Stanley.

JIM: 15-L-27, uh, I need some help.

We have sh*ts fired.

DONNIE: It's Hamlet to Claudius.

"The sins of the father laid upon the children" is Merchant of Venice.

Borrowed from Exodus 25.

I'm sorry. I didn't know what else you wanted me to do here.

There was nothing- I asked him all the right questions.

He's his nurse. He's sitting there with him.

- I heard your father in the background. - Wait. He's there at their house?

They're at the house. I asked him the exact address, and he gave it, Frank.

I know this is really hard for you right now.

No. You gotta give me things, Janet. Give me things.

Give me information. I want the information. That's what I want.

- That's the information, Frank. - What did he say?

I am not gonna take care of him. What does he want? Did he say?

Frank, what the f*ck do you want me to do?

- Listen. - What I want you to do, Janet...

. .. is I want you to do your f*cking job!

I am doing my f*cking job, Frank.

You f*cking get on the phone.

I'm not a doll. I'm not silly and cute.

I'm smart. That should make me something...

. .. so people can watch how silly it is that he's smart!

I know. I know things.

I know- I know...

I know I have to go to the bathroom, and.. . .

Take us off the air. Go to the credits.

- Roll the credits. Enough.

God f*cking damn it! Son of a bitch!

What the f*ck? f*ck! f*ck! f*ck!

Stanley, don't do this to me!

Gotta find the g*n.

Where is it, now?

Where is it?

All right. All right, let's go.

Where is it? Find it.

Find it.

Find the g*n, Jim!

What more do you want me to say? - Just give me a second.

You need to make a decision.

- Look, why don't you-? - Look, just give me a second.

- Give me a second. - Uh-huh.

Frank?

What the f*ck, Frank?

What do you want me to do?

FRANK I'm gonna say again. Order Seduce and Destroy now...

...and I guarantee, I guarantee, money-back-

PH IL: Linda.

- What are you doing? - I got Frank. Frank, Earl's son.

- Hang up. - No, he asked me to get him.

LINDA: Put the f*cking phone down!

- Hang it up! Hang it up! - I can't! I can't!

Frank, are you there?

I want you to talk to him.

Frank?

I'm gonna put him on.

Hang it up! You don't do that.

You don't call him. You don't know.

To get involved in this business of his. Of his- Of my family.

This is the family. Me and him. Understand?

- There's no one else. No one else! - I was just-

That man. That beautiful man. . ..

His son does not exist. He's dead. He's dead.

Who asked you to do that?

- Earl did. - Bullshit!

- He did. Please, I'm sorry, he did. - Bullshit! He didn't ask you!

He doesn't wanna talk to him, so f*ck you that he asked that!

There's no one but me and him! No one!

I'm sorry. I... He just.. . . He asked me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Mary, take me out of here. I got to go home to Rose.

- Just lean on me. Mary, take him home.

- In the back. - Did we win or lose?

I don't know. We gotta talk.

You lost. They go to the score the time they called it.

JULIA: That's not an official rule. - Not an official rule?

- That's an official rule, baby. - That's bullshit!

Who says that? In what rule book? This is different! It's a game show!

- They don't go by f*cking sports rules! - Richard, shut it and cut it out.

If he hadn't pissed his pants, we would have won this m*therf*cker!

What did you do with my g*dd*mn kid, Burt?

Stanley! Get your f*cking hands off me, you boy-producer punk. Hey, Stanley!

Oh, Lord, why is this happening to me?

God, please help me figure it out.

I'm lost out here.

I don't understand why it's happening, God.

Please, God.

Whatever it is I did, I'm gonna fix it. I'm gonna do the right thing.

Please, God, help me find the g*n.

Uh. . ..

I love you.

Uh, listen, Phil.

Um...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I slapped your face.

Okay? I , um...

I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't know how to do this.

I do things, and I f*ck up.

I f*cked up.

Can you forgive me?

Yeah. It's all right.

Can you tell him I'm sorry...

. .. for the things that I've done, that I f*cked up?

I'm sorry. Um... .

I'm going to turn and walk away and not look at him. . .

. .. and not see my man, my Earl, and tell him, uh. . . .

Tell him, "It's okay. I'm okay. "

Tell him, "Thank you for taking care... ."

Whole thing is okay with me.

And I know.

Welcome back from the break.

- How did you guys like those nachos? AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, you are not here for the f*cking food.

You are here for me to enlighten you, to edify you.. .

. .. to send you off into the now-not-so-unknown future. . .

. .. so come along with me.

"How to fake like you are nice and caring. "

No, I don't want a microphone.

Now, this... .

Ahem, this is quite an important chapter, as you will see.

But let's get down to brass tacks. Let's get right down to it, boys.

- Men are sh*t. AUDIENCE: What?

What? Men are sh*t.

Well, isn't that what they say?

Because we do bad things, don't we? We do horrible, heinous, terrible things.

Things that no woman would ever do.

No, women, they don't lie.

No, women don't cheat.

Women don't manipulate us.

But you see what I'm getting at. Oh, yeah, you see what I'm getting at.

You see what society does? Boy. Little boys, it's:

Wow. Woman.

- We are taught to apologize. "I am sorry. " Give it up.

"I am so sorry, baby. I am so sorry. "

What is it that-?

What is it, huh, that we need?

Is it their pussies? Their, uh, love?

Mommy wouldn't let me play soccer...

. .. and Daddy, oh, he hit me, so that's who I am.

That's why I do what I do? Heh.

- f*cking bullshit. That's right.

- I will not apologize for who I am. Right on.

- I will not apologize for what I need. Yeah.

- I will not apologize for what I want! AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Okay. Go to your blue booklets right now.

I want you to turn to page 1 8 in your blue booklets.

f*ck. This is f*cking bullshit!

I want you to go to your white- Your white books.

That's what I want you to go to.

Go to 23 in your white books.

"How to fake like you are a nice and caring person. "

Phil. Phil.

Hey, come here. Come here.

Uh. . .

. .. Phil.. .

. .. I'm.. . .

- I'm gonna try talk. - Okay.

And I'm trying to. . . .

- To say something. - Okay.

Do you know Lily, Phil? Do you know her?

No.

- Lily? - No, I don't.

Oh.

She's my love, my life, love of it. Yeah.

In school. . ..

I'm 1 2 years old, in school, in sixth grade.

I saw her.

Yeah. I didn't go to that school, but. . . .

But, uh, we met.

Uh, my friend knew her.

I said, uh:

"What's that girl? How's that Lily?"

"Oh, she's bad. She sleeps with guys. "

Yeah, he said this, but then, sometimes.. . .

And I went to another school, you see.

Uh, but then, uh... .

When high school at an end, what's that?

- What is that, uh, when it gets to the end? - Graduation.

- No, no, the grade. What grade are you in? - That's 1 2th.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So I went to her school for that grade.

That's grade 1 2.

And we meet.

She was...

. .. f*cking like a doll.

Yeah. A beautiful porcelain doll.

And the hips.

The child-bearing hips, you know that?

So beautiful.

And I cheated on her...

. .. over and over and over again.. .

. .. because I wanted to be a man...

. .. and I didn't want her to be a woman.

You know, a smart, free person. . .

. .. who was something.

My f*cking mind then.

So stupid, that f*cking mind. Stupid.

Jesus Christ.

What would I think? Did I think for what I'd done?

She was my wife for 23 years...

. .. and I went behind her over and over.

f*cking assh*le that I am, I'd go out and I'd f*ck...

. .. and I'd come home and get in her bed...

. .. and say, "I love you. "

This is Jack's mother.

His mother, Lily.

These two...

. .. that I had. . .

. .. and I lost.

This is the regret that you make.

This is the...

. .. regret that you make and the something you take. ..

. .. and the blah, blah, blah...

Something, something.

- Give me a cigarette. - Okay.

Uh. . ..

Mistakes like this. . .

. .. you don't make.

Sometimes. ..

. .. you make some, and okay.

Not okay, sometimes, you make other ones.

Yeah.

Know that you should do better.

I loved Lily.

I cheated on her.

She was my wife for 23 years.

And I have a son.

And she has cancer.

And I'm not there...

. .. and he's forced to take care of her.

He's 1 4 years old.

To.. . .

To take care of his mother and.. . .

And watch her die on him.

A little kid, and I'm not there.

And she does die.

I loved her so.

And she knew what I did.

She knew all the f*cking stupid things I'd done.

But the love...

...was stronger than anything you can think of.

The g*dd*mn regret.

The g*dd*mn regret!

And I'll die.

Now I'll die, and I'll tell you what.

The biggest regret of my life...

I let my love go.

What did I do?

I'm 65 years old.

And I'm ashamed.

Million years ago...

The f*cking regret and guilt, these things...

Don't ever let anyone ever say to you...

...you shouldn't regret anything.

Don't do that. Don't. Oh.

You regret what you f*cking want. Ah.

Use that. Use that.

Use that regret for anything, any way you want.

You can use it, okay?

Oh, God.

This is a long way to go with no punch.

A little moral...

...story, I say. Ha, ha.

Love.

This f*cking life...

Oh...

It's so f*cking hard.

So long.

Life ain't short. It's long.

It's long, God damn it.

g*dd*mn.

What did I do?

What did I do? What did I do?

Phil. Phil, help me.

What did I do?

- Hey, Juan, how you doing? How you feeling?

Yeah, I think I'm going to stay on, stick it out.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

- Okay. - All right, good night.

You're so stupid.

You know, you know, you know.

Go, go, go.

- Donnie. Oh, Donnie. - Hello, dear. I need a favor.

PH IL: Okay, okay.

Shh. All right, all right. Back up, back up. Back up, Max.

Back up, Miles. Back up.

- Hello. You Frank? Jack, right? Hello. How are you?

Are you Phil? PH IL: Phil, yeah.

We, uh, tried to get in touch. We got disconnected.

Stay in, Max. Stay in. Hey, hey, come on.

All right? Please.

I got the message. - Yeah, I couldn't find you.

I looked through the address books. There's no number. There's nothing.

- Shh. Hey! Is, uh, what's-her-name...?

PH IL: Linda? No, she went out. She's not here.

Hey, I'm sorry, uh. . . .

You know, I don't know what to do here.

Um, your dad asked me to get in touch with you, and I didn't have the number.

You know, I called the number. Do you wanna come in?

Yeah. Hey, Phil? - Okay. Yeah?

I will drop-kick those f*cking dogs if they come near me.

PH IL: All right. - Okay?

Come on in. Come on in. This is Blake.

- This is Miles. Clear them out.

PH IL: Here we go.

All right, he's in here...

. .. so we all go in here. Come on.

Wanna go in?

- No, I just- Stand here a second, Phil. - Okay.

- Okay? - All right.

Lady.

Hey, lady.

Lady. Lady.

Hey, wake up.

Lady.

What's wrong with you?

How do we do this, then?

Well, we just do it.

We do it. We figure it out.

We do as we do, I guess.

Do you love me, Rose?

You are my handsome man.

- I'm a bad person. - Ha, ha, no. No.

I mean...

. .. I'm telling you this now, you see. . ..

You see, because I want everything to be clear and clean...

. .. and I want to apologize for me and all the stupid things that I've done.

I've cheated on you.

I've cheated on you, and it kills me. . .

. .. and the guilt of what I've done. ...

I don't want you to think-

Maybe you knew.

I think maybe you've known.

So I hope this is not just for me. ...

For me to make myself feel better about what I've done. . .

. .. but for you not to feel like you're sitting there like a jerk.

You're the good one.

You understand?

Did you ever go out with someone and just lie. . .

. .. question after question?

Maybe you're trying to make yourself look cool. . .

. .. or better than you are or whatever. . .

. .. smarter, cooler. . .

. .. and you just...

. .. not really lie...

. .. but maybe you just don't say everything.

JIM: Well, that's a natural thing.

You know, two people go out on a date or something...

. .. they wanna impress people.

The other person.

Or they're scared they might say something...

. .. that will make the other person not like them.

- Thank you. JIM: Thank you.

So you've done it?

I don't go out very often.

Why not?

I never found someone, really, that I think I'd like to go out with.

And I bet you say that to all the girls, huh?

No. No. Heh.

- Wanna make a deal with me? - Okay.

What I just said...

. .. people afraid to say things. . .

. .. no guts to say the things that are real or something.. . .

- Yeah? - To not do that.

To not do that that maybe we've done before.

- Let's make a deal. - Okay.

I'll tell you everything, and you tell me everything. . .

. .. and maybe we can get through all the piss and sh*t and lies that k*ll other people.

Wow.

Huh. "Piss and sh*t. "

What?

You really use strong language.

I'm sorry.

No, it's fine. It's fine.

I didn't mean- It seems vulgar or something, I know.

- It's fine. - No, I'm sorry.

No, it's nothing. I'm sorry.

I'm gonna run to the bathroom for a minute, maybe, just.. . .

- Okay. - Okay.

- Okay. Okay. - Okay?

I'm gonna go in. And, uh. ... Are the dogs in there?

Yeah, but they stay back by the window.

- All right, I want you to come in with me. - Okay.

And I want you to stay away from me.

I want you there in case he needs anything, because I am not gonna help him.

And, Phil, I will drop-kick the f*cking dogs. . .

- . . .if they come near me. - Okay.

Earl.

You don't look that bad.

You prick.

"Cocksucker. " That's what you used to like to say, right?

"Cocksucker. "

But you are. You're a cocksucker, Earl.

It hurts, doesn't it? Huh?

You in a lot of pain?

She was in a lot of pain.

Right to the end, she was in a lot of pain.

I know because I was there, Earl.

You didn't like illness, though, do you?

I was there.

She waited for your call.

For you to come.

I am not gonna cry.

I am not gonna cry for you.

You cocksucker, I know you can hear me.

I want you to know that I hate your f*cking guts.

You can just f*cking die, you f*ck.

And I hope it hurts. I f*cking hope it hurts.

Yeah, her resps are down to six. Let's get the gurney over here.

DIXON Check that ego Come off it, I'm a prophet

The professor I'm gonna teach you 'bout the worm

Who eventually turned to catch wreck With the neck of a long-time oppressor

And he's running from the devil But the debt is always gaining

And if he's worth being hurt He's worth bringing pain in

Do you feel better now that you've said this?

JIMMY: I don't know.

Well, I'm not mad.

Well, I am, but I'm not.

You know?

I love you so much, Rose.

I'm not through asking my questions.

Why doesn't Claudia.. .

. .. talk to you, Jimmy?

Why?

Because we've.. . .

We both don't know. What do you mean?

No, I think you know.

Maybe. . . .

I don't.

Say it, Jimmy.

- I wanted to do that. JIM: Well...

- That felt good, to do what I wanted to do. - Yeah.

Can I tell you something?

Yeah, of course.

I'm really nervous that you're gonna hate me soon.

You're gonna find stuff out about me, and you're gonna hate me.

No. Like what? What do you mean?

You have so much, so many good things...

. .. and you seem so together.

You're a police officer. . .

. .. and you seem so straight and put together, without any problems.

- I lost my g*n today. - What?

I lost my g*n today...

. .. and I'm the laughingstock of a lot of people.

I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know.

And it's on my mind.

And it makes me look like a fool.

And I feel like a fool.

And you asked that we should say things. . .

. .. say what we're thinking and not lie about things.

Well, I can tell you that. This. That I lost my g*n today.

I'm not a good cop.

I'm looked down at, and I know that.. .

. .. and I'm scared that once you find that out, you might not like me.

- Jim, that was so great. - I'm sorry.

What you just said.

I haven't been on a date since I was married, and.. .

. .. that was three years ago.

Claudia, whatever you wanna tell me. . .

. .. whatever you think might scare me won't.

And I will listen to you.

I'll be a good listener to you if that's what you want. You know?

You know? And I won't judge you.

I know I can do that sometimes, and I won't.

And I can listen.

And you shouldn't be scared of scaring me off. . .

. .. or whatever you think that I think and on and on.

Say it, whatever it is, and I'll listen.

- You don't know how f*cking stupid I am. - It's okay.

- You don't know how crazy I am. - It's okay.

- I got troubles. - I'll take everything at face value.

- I'll be a good listener. - I started this, didn't I? Didn't I? f*ck.

Whatever it is, just say it. You'll see.

You wanna kiss me, Jim?

Yes, I do.

Say it, Jimmy.

I think she thinks...

. .. that I may have molested her.

She thinks terrible things that somehow got into her head. . .

. .. that I may have done.

She said that to me last time, when it was...

Ten years ago, she walked out the door. "You touched me wrong. I know that. "

Some crazy thought in her- In her head.

Did you ever touch her?

I don't know.

- Jimmy. - I don't know. I really don't.

But you can't say.

- Well, I don't know what I've done. - Yes, you do. You do.

- But you won't say. - I don't know.

What? What? Please. Please.

You deserve to die alone for what you've done.

I don't know what I've done.

Yes, you do.

Rose, if I said that I knew, would you stay?

- No. - But I don't know what I've done.

You should know better.

Now that I've met you, would you object to never seeing me again?

- What? - Just say no.

- I won't say no. Wait, Claudia. - Just say no.

- Claudia, what is it? - Just let me go, Jimmy.

- What is it? Please, please. - Please. It's okay. Just let me go.

FRANK Why didn't you call?

I f*cking hate you.

God damn you, f*cking assh*le.

Oh, God, you f*cking assh*le.

Don't go away, you f*cking assh*le.

Oh, God, don't go away, you f*cking assh*le.

What am I doing?

What the f*ck am I doing? What the f*ck am I doing?

Men who are vain look at their bald spot and say:

"You know, I don't need anything. I look great the way I am. "

Yes. Ladies, if you want your husband or boyfriend to-

Oh, f*ck.

JIM: What?

What are you doing, dummy?

Oh, brother.

Oh, there are frogs falling from the sky.

You all know you're not gonna spend $135 for it.

In fact, all you spend here during this special TV promotion...

...is just $39-

JIM: Come on. Come on.

Claudia, it's Mom! Open the door, honey!

Claudia! Claudia, are you there?

Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy!

Oh, honey. All right. It's all right.

It's okay. It's gonna be all right.

This happens.

This is something that happens.

And there is the account of the hanging of three men...

...and a scuba diver...

...and a su1c1de.

There are stories of coincidence and chance...

...and intersections, and strange things told...

...and which is which, and who only knows?

And we generally say:

"Well, if that was in a movie, I wouldn't believe it. "

Someone's so-and-so met someone else's so-and-so, and so on.

And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator...

...that strange things happen all the time.

And so it goes, and so it goes.

And the book says:

"We may be through with the past...

...but the past ain't through with us. "

PH IL: I'm sorry, Jack.

It's the hospital calling about Linda.

- Who? - Linda. She's in the hospital...

. .. and I figured you should probably talk to them since you're here.

Hello?

Uh-huh. And what-

Okay. Okay.

Uh. . ..

Is she gonna be all right?

Where...?

You with us, Linda? Good.

It is Linda, isn't it?

Just relax. That's it.

You'll get through this.

Dad.

Dad.

Dad, you need to be nicer to me.

Go to bed.

You have to be nicer to me, Dad.

Go to bed.

I know I did a stupid thing.

So stupid.

Getting braces.

I thought... .

I thought he would love me.

Getting braces.

For what?

For something I don't even. . . .

I don't know where to put things, you know?

I really do have love to give.

I just don't know where to put it.

A lot of people think this is just a job that you go to.

Take a lunch hour. Job's over.

Something like that.

JIM: But it's a 24-hour deal.

No two ways about it.

And what most people don't see...

...is just how hard it is to do the right thing.

People think if I make a judgment call...

...that that's a judgment on them, but that is not what I do.

And that's not what should be done.

I have to take everything...

...and play as it lays.

Sometimes people need a little help.

- supposed to be real good at corrective oral surgery.

JIM: Sometimes people need to be forgiven.

And sometimes they need to go to jail.

Call me about that guy with the teeth, okay?

JIM: And that is a very tricky thing on my part...

...making that call.

I mean, the law is the law...

...and heck if I'm gonna break it.

JIM: You can forgive someone.

Well, that's the tough part.

What can we forgive?

Tough part of the job.

Tough part of walking down the street.

JIM: I just wanted to come here...

To come here and say something.

Say something important. Something that you said.

You said we should say things and do things.

Not lie, not keep things back.

These are the things that tear people up.

Well, I'm gonna do that.

I'm gonna do what you said, Claudia.

I can't let this go.

I can't let you go.

Now, you...

You listen to me now.

You're a good person.

A good, beautiful person...

. .. and I won't let you walk out on me.

I won't let you say those things.

Those things about how stupid you are and this and that.

I won't stand for that.

You want to be with me.. .

. .. then you be with me.

You see?