05x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

- He's going down. Go.

- Thank you, ladies, for the great sex.

And so reasonably priced!

- Yeah, right. I don't think so.

- No, it's me. It's me.

I'm--I'm off.

- Don't blame yourself.

I hate when you do that.

- Thank you, ladies, for the great sex.

- I--Oh!

- Do you have enough lipstick on?

- It's your--

- You don't have enough lipstick on.

- I think it's your fault!

You're scaring away all the--

Oh, damn it!

[laid-back rock music]

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[light, cheery music]

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male announcer: Today's the big day.

The delivery you've been waiting for

has finally arrived.

It's the magic of catalog living in the 's.

*

Hello, Mr. Buddy Cole.

Don't you look swell?

Bring it right in, boys.

Easy... Easy...

There.

Uh-oh. There's a COD charge.

Not much, though. Just ¢.

You'll just have to work an extra hour

at the salon tomorrow.

Bye, fellas.

You've done a good job.

Chalk up another one for the working man.

*

Meet your new Male sl*ve.

First, you'll need to brand him.

Ouch. That smarts.

*

Then he'll need a few days to acclimatize himself

to his surrounding.

After all, he's just been separated

from an international cartel of white slavers,

so he'll miss the other slaves back at the harem.

So be firm.

*

But remember,

your sl*ve needs lots of love and attention

these first few weeks.

*

Oh, it looks like someone thinks that life can go on

just the way that it was before.

That's when trouble happens.

*

Uh-oh.

*

He won't do that again.

The next thing you'll want to do is train your sl*ve.

Every sl*ve needs to know where to do his duty.

Of course, there can be accidents.

*

That's where discipline comes in.

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A well balanced diet is essential

to a sl*ve's well-being.

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But take care not to overfeed your sl*ve,

or else this might happen.

*

In order to keep your sl*ve's muscles firm and functioning

and to keep his coat glossy,

make sure you give him at least two walks a day.

You can even use this time as an excuse to get out

and enjoy some fresh air.

There's Mrs. Kessler with her new baby.

Say hello, Mr. Cole.

These two obviously have a lot to catch up on.

Let's leave them for a moment and talk about something

a little more serious now.

Here's Dr. Robert English to tell us more.

- People who own slaves have been proven to live longer,

have lower cholesterol,

and an overall sense of well-being.

Research has shown that seniors can add years to their lives

with a loyal sl*ve.

announcer: Well, good-bye, Doctor.

Let's see what's happening with our friends back on Elm Street.

*

Oh, Mr. Cole,

you've been so busy gossiping

that you didn't even notice your sl*ve slipping away.

Bad 's h*m* stereotype.

Luckily for you,

slaves have a built-in homing instinct.

*

Maybe if you spent more time playing with your sl*ve

and less time playing with yourself,

he wouldn't feel compelled to act out

in such an antisocial manner.

An unhappy sl*ve is a potential k*ller.

So take the time each day to play with your sl*ve.

Remember, a sl*ve treated with love and respect

can live up to years.

- What?

I was told they only live for six months,

you know, like sea monkeys?

Well, this one's going right back to the store.

*

[laid-back rock music]

- Mmm, mmm.

- I love salted margaritas, you know?

- Oh, no, these are good margaritas here.

- Hey!

Ken, Sandra.

- Hi, Brian. - Oh, hey, Brian.

- How are you?

- Good. - Fine. How you doing?

- God, it's weird running into you like this

'cause you know, just the other day

you were the topic of a little discussion.

- Really? - Yeah.

Well, I mean, not you, or you guys as a couple,

just Ken.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

- You know, this is hard to put in delicate terms,

but I met this guy.

- Uh-huh.

- There's this guy that doesn't like you.

- Oh, really?

- I know, man! It's crazy, eh?

I mean, you're the nicest guy going.

I mean, everyone likes Ken.

That's why it was so freaky to me.

I mean, I didn't know what to say.

I wish I'd known what to say.

- Oh, that's okay.

I mean, it doesn't bother me that there's, you know,

one guy out there that doesn't like me.

- Besides, I'm sure there's more than just one guy.

- That was pretty quick, hon.

- Come on, honey. You know what I mean.

- Yeah, right.

- No, I'm sorry, I don't.

I mean, I can't imagine more than one guy not liking Ken.

I mean, finding out there was even one

nearly made my head explode.

You know, I mean, I've tried to figure it out.

I've tried and I've tried,

but you know, nothing's coming.

You know what I'm saying? I mean, it's just--

I-I didn't even get any sleep last night, you know.

- Brian, what were some of the things this guy was saying?

- Oh, man, he was saying stuff like, you know,

untrusting, untrustworthy,

smug, a sort of smugness, you know.

I can't really remember.

I mean, I was in a, you know, a daze, a fog of disbelief.

- I think you're making too much of this, Brian.

- No, I don't think I am.

This is a domino, Sandra.

There are certain things in your life that are dependent

upon other things, and when one of those things goes down,

the others are set in motion, okay?

- Brian--Brian, maybe you should settle down.

- Settle down?

I'm sorry, what do you mean, "settle down"?

It's not that easy. You can't just say that.

- You're causing a bit of a scene, Brian.

- Yeah, are you okay?

- All right, it's me!

- Huh? - I'm the guy.

I'm the one guy who doesn't like you.

I'm the only guy I know who doesn't like you.

Can't you understand what I'm going through?

I mean, I've tried to like you, but I don't.

You I like, but you, no way.

- Hey, you know, that's okay, you know, Brian.

I mean, you don't have to like me.

You know, you're still all right with me.

- You're so sucky.

- Can you believe that?

What?

- I've never seen that look on your face.

There's a sort of a smugness to it.

- Hon, don't do this. Don't--

- Or maybe I just never noticed it before.

[hip-hop music playing]

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- I hate rap music.

Every woman in it is a ho.

- I know, and yet, none of them are really hos, you know?

- Yeah, I mean, if every chick's a ho,

then what are we?

- It devalues the word, eh? - Yeah.

- You know, once I was dating a rapper,

but I had to leave him 'cause he kept calling me a ho.

- But you are a ho.

- Yes, but he didn't know that, did he?

- You're right.

[laid-back rock music]

*

- Excuse me.

Would you like to try a new kind of meat?

It's light and tasty and called Por-eef.

Late for your losers meeting, are you?

It's showtime.

[upbeat music playing]

Check.

Check. Check.

Hi.

- Oh, good. Free samples.

- But first of all, let me ask you all a question.

How many of you good folks are sick to death

of being taxed by the government?

[crowd cheers]

And how many of you people think about Richard Nixon

when you're having sex?

- Ooh.

- I guess that's just me.

But how many of you people here eat food?

[crowd cheers]

- I'd like a free sample.

- Okay, soon.

Today, it is my honor and my job

to unveil...

Por-eef.

- What? - What?

- It's a new kind of meat.

It's got the bite of beef

with the smoky texture of pork,

henceforth, Por-eef.

- Is it time for a free sample yet?

- Yes, but before I offer you a free sample,

I should ask,

are there any federal agents here today at all?

- What?

- Okay, well, then I'll just go for it.

All right.

Now, please understand

that special care was taken in developing this unique hybrid.

Once upon a time, we took a cow

and a pig

that were only mildly drugged.

We put them together in a cage

and forced them to do what eventually became natural.

[cow mooing, pig squealing]

- Excuse me,

aren't you playing God?

- Ma'am, I'd like to think to think of it more

as playing Cupid.

[crowd "Awws"]

Now, who'd like to try a free sample?

The proof is in the Por-eef.

- I would! I would.

- I believe I heard you, sir.

- Well, you know, normally, man,

meat is not my scene, you dig,

but this smells so groovy I'd like to try some.

- Are you saying, stranger,

that you're a vegetarian?

- Right on, stranger.

- Let me ask you,

are you a happy vegetarian?

- Hmm. Good question, man.

Do you mind if I tell you a story?

- Would you? Please? Huh?

- You know, folks, many years ago, I used to dig meat,

but I found that no one meat satisfied me.

- Kind of like women?

[chuckling]

- You know, and it got so that I was combining my meats,

you know?

Steak with baloney.

Pastrami with everyday, ordinary chicken.

But still, no one meat turned me on.

- So you're saying no one meat is what you were looking for?

- Far out, man. You read my mind.

- Well, then maybe Por-eef is the meat for you.

- I don't know. I'm skeptical.

How can I be sure?

- Huh.

How about a taste test?

- Whoa. A taste test? Sounds groovy.

- I guess so. - Yeah.

- Okay, now honestly, what the better tasting meat?

Por-eef or this dark cola?

- Well, here goes nothi''

Mm.

Whoa! What a taste sensation.

Blows my mind! - All right!

- I definitely have to say

the Por-eef is the better tasting meat.

- But that's like comparing apples and oranges.

- Ma'am, do I come to your job

and jump up and down on the end of the bed?

- I don't get it.

- Yeah, not since Expo .

[laughing]

- Uh, I believe what my stranger here is trying to say is,

you should buy Por-eef and eat it.

- Yeah, would anyone like to buy an advance order of Por-eef?

Word on the street is, it comes in easy-to-carry -pound boxes.

- That's right.

- Well, I'd like a free sample.

- No, no. No free samples, ma'am.

- I just want one.

Well, I can't until I know.

It tastes like cat food.

- Um, uh, well, plan B.

Uh, did I mention it was dirt cheap?

- Yeah, folks, I was just in the gardening department

and Por-eef is actually cheaper than dirt.

- Oh! - Here we go.

[crow clamoring]

- Right on cue.

Like drunken pigs to the trough.

- Please, can we talk about something other than work?

- Like what?

[laid-back rock music]

*

- [chuckles] - Did you like the ratatouille?

Was it yummy?

- Yeah, you know, I really liked the ratatouille,

which is odd because I've never liked ratatouille before,

you know.

I don't like the sound of it.

I don't like the ingredients.

- [chuckles] Eggplant.

- Yeah.

You know, but for some reason, tonight,

I really enjoyed it.

- [gasps] Sounds like you've got a little crush.

- Well, uh, maybe.

- Don't worry about it. - Oh?

- I'm a modern woman. - Oh.

- That's good to know because, uh,

well, there's something about me that I think you should know,

something personal.

- You're married? - No.

- You're gay? - No.

- You're bi? I dated someone bi once.

She was very nice. - No.

No, it's not that. - You're HIV.

It could happen to anyone. - No, not that.

- [gasps]

You don't have a ferret, do you? - God no!

Jeez.

- Then what is it?

- Okay, um, this is difficult.

I--okay

I've had my penis tattooed.

- Uh-huh. - Yeah.

I had sort of a zigzag done around the head.

Sort of like Jughead's hat.

- I see. And why?

- Well, I was claiming authority over my own body.

You see, in the 's the body is the ultimate battleground.

Body modification is the ultimate transgressive act

against the stifling conformity of the body politic.

- Wow!

- That and I've always loved "Archie" comics.

- Oh, me too.

Does it still, you know... work?

- Well, I mean, as well as it ever did,

which was never too good.

- Really?

- Yeah,

I'm not the world's greatest cocksman.

- Really?

I find sexual inadequacy so sexy.

- Really?

Wow, you are a modern woman.

- Modern and realistic.

- So--so you don't mind?

- No, not at all.

Actually, now that you mention it,

I've had my nose done.

- Really?

- Yeah. It's my sister's.

- Oh.

It's a beautiful nose.

- Yeah, I had always admired her nose, so we traded.

- Oh.

I'll bet that comes with an interesting story.

- Not really.

I'd always admired her nose, so we traded.

- Oh!

[laughter]

So, um, is there anything else that I should know

before we, uh, proceed?

- Well, I do have the Watergate transcripts tattooed on my back.

- Oh, that's fantastic.

I love to read in bed.

- Ooh.

- John--

[laid-back rock music]

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- I'm told by people who know these things

that you are a man

who can handle a delicate situation.

A man who can eliminate

certain irritants.

- Look.

I don't know what you're talking about.

- Understood.

I don't know what I'm talking about either.

Eh? [chuckles]

- No. No, really.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't have a clue.

- I want you to k*ll a man.

- Ah.

That I do.

I k*ll people

for money.

- Well, there's a situation

that I'd like you to handle.

- In addition to k*lling a guy?

- Pardon me?

- This situation you want me to handle,

this is in addition to k*lling a guy?

- No, the situation is that I want you to k*ll a guy.

- That I do.

- Well-- - Shh.

Did you hear that?

- No. - There it is again.

- I don't hear anything. - Did you hear it that time?

- Ah.

I think you're hearing my voice.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

So tell me,

who is this guy that you want me to k*ll for money?

If you know what I mean.

- Here's a picture of the guy.

I think you know him?

- Are you crazy?

This is a picture of me.

- Well, if you don't think you can handle it...

- Oh, I can handle it!

But I'm gonna need a lot of money

and I'm gonna need it up front.

Do we have a deal?

- This man's as good as dead.

- No, not now!

Wait until I've left.

I don't want to be anywhere near here when you do it.

- How come?

- How come?

Because I want to have an alibi

so that the police can't link me to the m*rder.

That's the whole point in hiring someone like you.

- Oh, yeah.

- Yes.

So give me plenty of time

to get out of the area, okay?

- Sure.

- All right.

I'm leaving now.

Okay?

[door opens and closes]

- [grunts]

[grunting]

Damn!

This is gonna be a lot harder than I thought.

[gasps]

[g*nsh*t]

[g*nsh*t]

[gas hissing]

[g*nsh*t]

[distant g*nsh*t] - Huh?

[g*nshots]

[g*n clicking]

Ah!

- [groans]

- I told you to wait until I was long gone!

Can't you follow the simplest of instructions?

[grunting and shouting]

- Ahh!

Someone call the police!

A man's being beaten to death!

Police!

- [grunting] - Someone's getting beaten!

Please help!

Somebody! Over here!

Hey, partner. - Huh?

- Wake up.

- [grunting]

- Hey, come on. He's dead already.

You k*lled him, so leave him alone.

- But officer, you don't understand!

- I understand you're going to prison for a long time,

you sick bastard.

- Hey! Language.

- Yeah, you're right. Come on.

- He was supposed to wait!

He was supposed to wait!

You were supposed to wait!

You were to wait!

[laid-back rock music]

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