05x21 - Episode 21

[bunniefuu]

- Ah, this is not the end.

This is not even the beginning

of the end.

But it is, perhaps,

the end of the beginning.

[radio clicks off]

[laid-back rock music]

♪

[banging drumsticks] - One, two, three, four!

[rock music]

- ♪ Tramp, she's a tramp

♪ She's a trampoline girl

♪ She's a tramp

♪ She's a tramp

♪ Trampoline girl

♪ She's a tramp

♪ She's a trampoline girl

♪ She's a tramp

♪ She's a trampoline girl

♪ She's a tramp--

[singing fades]

- Hi, guys.

Sorry I'm late.

Had to pick up my lydrosicton pills.

- How is your heart?

- It's better. - Yeah? Good.

- I thought we agreed to come

having taken our medicine.

You know, if we don't get serious,

We're never going to make it.

- Yes, we will. - We're gonna make it.

- You're right. We are.

all: The new "Rod Torfulson's Armada

featuring Herman Menderchuck."

[guitar note strums]

- [burps]

[banging drumsticks] One, two, three, four!

[disjointed rock music]

♪

- What, what, what, what, what?

- That doesn't sound

anything like "Stairway to Heaven."

- We're never gonna make it.

- No, we are going to make it.

- Let's quit.

- But it's always hard at first.

both: "At first?"

- We've been at it for years.

We're getting too old to even

drive to the gigs.

- And I am so sick

of showing up at high schools

and they think we're the damn janitors.

- I'm sick of "Trampoline Girl."

- But that's our hit.

- Aw, come on, man.

Hardly!

- You're just bitter because

you never married.

- Oh, great. Great.

You got the vein

throbbing in his head again!

Are you happy? - Are you?

- I never married

because I wanted to concentrate on the band.

- Yeah? Yeah?

Well, where did it get the band?

What about that breakfast television gig

you promised us?

- I'm trying.

The producer and I are playing phone tag.

- You have been playing

phone tag for years!

- Stop it, you guys are starting to

make my heart b*at irregularly again.

- Yeah, well, that'll go fine

with your irregular drumming.

- Yeah, well, what about you? What about this?

At least I'm honest!

[all shouting]

- Could we break up?

- Break up. Sell the piano!

[cymbal crashes]

all: Wow.

- Wow, man.

- So...

There's your future.

- But how does it end, Rock and Roll Angel?

Do we make it? - Yeah, yeah, do we?

- Do we?

- Weren't you watching?

- We almost made it. - Yeah.

- We all almost made it.

- Wow, yeah. - We're so close.

We had people at a gig.

- It's true. - people?

That's a salad bar.

all: Yeah. both: But do we make it?

- Let's continue.

[angelic choral music]

[cymbal crescendos]

[indistinct arguing]

- You spent it on a damn barbecue!

Ah, you know it.

Admit it! Admit it!

Admit it. - [wheezing]

My heart.

- Oh, man. - My pills.

- Heart att*ck! - Oh, my God.

[shallow breathing]

- Don't let the music die.

- We won't. - We won't!

- We won't!

- And don't replace me.

- What?

- How we gonna make it?

- Yeah!

- Ar...ma--

[cymbal crescendos]

[angelic choral music]

both: But do we make it?

- Are you kidding?

Please, man!

What are you guys, high?

You smoking cr*ck or something?

Are you on dr*gs?

Do you sniff glue?

all: No. - Do you make it...

- Do we? - You suck!

- What? - How would you know?

- I'm an angel!

- Do we change our name and then make it?

- Are you saying we should quit, then?

[cymbal crescendos] - I'm saying, it's over!

It's done!

Heart att*ck. Death.

- But... all: Do we make it?

[rock music]

♪

[sobbing]

- You're gonna be fine!

Everything's gonna be okay!

You're going to be just fine.

- Hey, who's that guy?

- "Who's that guy?"

Oh, just a man.

Just a man by the name of

Jeff Berman.

In the beginning,

Jeff was a producer on this show.

Hell, not even a producer--

more of a glorified accountant.

But as time wore on, he became

something more, something...

Almost brilliant.

And now, I'd like to pay tribute

to this near-brilliance.

Ladies and gentlemen:

Jeff Berman, the sixth Kid in the Hall.

[rock music]

[bell dings]

♪

[bell dings]

[bell dings]

[bell dings]

♪

[bell dings]

[bell dings]

♪

[bell dings]

[bell dings]

♪

[bell dings]

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[bell dings]

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[bell dings]

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[bell dings]

♪

[thudding]

- We thought that it would be fun

to chart how much Jeff has

actually been in the show.

We think you'll find the results quite surprising.

First place, we find Bruce

has been in more scenes than

any other Kid in the Hall.

Big pig.

Second and third, we find Scott and Dave.

Fourth place, we find myself.

Big surprise.

Now, even more surprising,

is that we find Jeff Berman in fifth place,

just barely ahead of Mark.

So Jeff isn't really the sixth

Kid in the Hall, Mark is.

And now, the one, the only,

the Jeff Berman.

- Aw, shucks.

- So Jeff Berman, the big question is, "Why?"

Why have you blessed us

with your presence in so many of our scenes?

Is it a newly-found love of acting?

- No, sir. By playing a lot of the

roles myself, and not giving them to actors,

I saved the show a bundle of money.

- Jeff Berman!

[cheers and applause]

[rock music]

♪

- Okay, out you go.

- sh**t! - No, no.

No sh**t tonight.

Out you go.

No sh**t tonight.

No sh**t any night.

Buddy's is closing for good.

- sh**t!

- Bye, old-timer.

Well, he is over .

Yes, it's true.

Buddy's is no more.

I lost it last night

in a strip poker game.

What happened was,

I refused to take my shirt off

because I was feeling fat.

So I said, "Take the bar instead."

And they did.

I had to.

There were photographers present.

And get this--

going to the new owner is going to turn

it into a straight bar...

with strippers.

And he's a ---!

Never let them get behind you.

[sighing]

I'm gonna miss the old joint,

I must confess.

And not just because I never paid for a drink.

But because, well,

Buddy's was the kind of place

where anything could happen.

Mm.

Elizabeth Taylor was our one millionth

customer, for God's sake.

Oh, who am I trying to kid?

Elizabeth Taylor never came here.

The biggest Taylor we ever had was Rip.

And speaking financially,

Buddy's was a complete disaster

from the get-go.

I made more money in prison

as a cigarette girl.

Buddy's was the kind of place where

weeks would fly by.

Where the only customer was someone

looking for a washroom.

Well, bidet.

Oh, I don't know what went wrong.

Jeez, maybe I should have put up a sign,

or at least a door!

Or maybe I shouldn't have used

all that lead paint.

Or maybe it was because I built Buddy's

on the site of an ancient Doukhobor burial ground.

What were they all about?

Maybe Bruce was right,

maybe my monologues were too long.

No!

Because that would be blaming myself,

and there's already too much of that.

I'm a modern person;

I'll just blame my parents.

Well, it's back to modeling, I guess.

I've only gained ten pounds since I quit smoking...

And started again.

Or maybe I'll return to my perch

at the "La Cage Aux Folles" revue,

where I was famous for my Beatrice Arthur.

They called me a male impersonator.

[sighing]

Or maybe I'll just go and be

slutty in gay old Paris.

Who am I trying to kid?

I'd have more luck in Algonquin Park.

People, I may talk champagne,

but I'm strictly beer.

[sighing]

Whatever.

Oh, my work is done, I best be off.

I'm trying for a réconciliation

with my old boyfriend.

He's a firefighter from Buffalo.

So he's always burning up.

He was supposed to be here...

five years ago!

Where have I been?

Well, I know how to hurry him up.

[singing] La, la, la, la, la.

[gasping]

"Beavis and Butthead" were right.

Arson is fun!

Help.

[sirens wailing]

[door thudding]

Fire.

[crashing]

Where have you been?

- Waiting for you to shut up.

- Oh, that reminds me of the time

that Honore de Balzac went--

- Looks like I'm early.

- Well, I'm done.

Let's go.

[flames roaring]

- Where to?

- Frankly, my dear...

I don't give a damn.

[rock music]

♪

- Hi. I was Dave Foley.

- And I was Kevin McDonald.

- Now, as you may be aware,

over the years, the Kids in the Hall

have had their battles over censorship.

- And we've won as much as we've lost.

- But seeing as tonight is our last episode,

we thought we'd show you some of

those censored sketches.

- Or at least as much as

the censors will allow us.

- Yes.

And it's our hope that you will

get a sense of how really, really

inoffensive these sketches really were

and that, uh--

The intent behind them was

always a positive one.

- Now the first sketch is called

"h*tler Blanks a Donkey."

- You see, we're not even allowed to read the

full title of that sketch.

I mean, we're forced to talk like Gene Rayburn.

You know, "h*tler blanks a donkey."

So, uh-- - Well, let's

show you what we can.

- Yeah.

- Daddy?

What's that bad man

doing to my pet donkey?

- Well, that not just a bad man, son.

That there's h*tler.

And he's [beep] your pet donkey.

- [speaking German]

[grunting]

- Damn shame.

- I mean, uh, am I wrong?

But I think in the light of the rise

of neo-Nazism around the world,

I think that scene shows h*tler to be a

pretty unpleasant character.

- Yes, Dave, he's one bad customer.

I mean, if you were a young skin head,

would you want to emulate some

sick donkey-blanker?

- No. So you see,

it was an important sketch,

a positive sketch,

and a censored sketch.

- As for this next sketch,

we were just shocked when we

found out it was censored.

- Yes, we have never been given a plausible reason

why it should be.

- So now, "The Home Run."

Please enjoy.

[somber music]

♪

- Hey, Joe.

Would Joe hit a home run for me today?

- Sure, kid.

Anything for you.

On account of your dying.

- And it's on, out,

bottom of the th and a full count

for Big Joe.

He's had a rough day.

He's for and is

clearly off his stride.

The pitcher looks in. Here's the pitch.

And it's a strike. Big Joe is out of there.

Detroit wins to .

- [bleep] damn!

It's that dying kid!

He put too much [bleep] pressure on me.

- And Big Joe is talking about a dying kid

he met earlier during the day.

We'll be back with stats right after this.

[coughs]

- Sorry about that home run, kid.

I had kind of a...

a off day.

I don't know if this'll make it up to you,

but, well--

I got you a $ whore.

[upbeat music]

- Forget the home run, Joe.

Let me at that whore.

- Is there anything--

Is there anything more wholesome

than a sports hero bringing a little joy

to the life of a sick child?

- I don't think so, Kevin, but apparently

the networks would prefer it if sick children

did their suffering tastefully

out of the public view.

- I guess so.

This next sketch never even got a chance

to be censored by the networks.

- No. No, this scene was

censored by the other Kids in the Hall.

- It's a little ditty we like to call...

both: "Soup de Jour."

[soup dripping]

- So do you like it?

- It's great. What's in it?

- You really like it, huh?

- Yes, I really like it.

[chuckling]

- Have some more.

- What is in it?

- Now you really do like it, don't you?

- Yes, I really like it. What's in it?

- Have some more, and I'll tell you what's in it.

I made it with my very own--

[television static]

[rock music]

♪

- Have a nice weekend, Kathie.

- You too, Cath.

- So what are you going to do?

- For the weekend? Something outrageous.

- Really? - I'm going in-line skating.

[giggles] - Oh, be careful.

- I'm so nervous.

- Hold it, everybody.

Before you go, there's a tape

we've all been asked to watch.

- Oh, come on! It's almost quitting time.

You've got exactly seconds.

- Well, it could be good.

- Maybe it's sports bloopers.

- Yeah, or some breakthrough typing technique

that involves using your thumbs, ears, and elbows.

- Or maybe it's that--

It's that, you know, that Chuck Berry

tape I heard about.

The one with those obscene sexual acts.

- I'm in! - Yeah, let's--

[all groaning]

- Hello, employees of A.T. & Love!

- Hmm. - That's us!

- Look, I'm not that good at

ingratiating myself, so I'll just

get straight to the point:

A.T. & Love is no more.

all: What?

- That's right.

We've been bought out.

At least, I think that's

the correct term.

I'm a little confused as to the details,

as I have been drinking since : a.m.

- I bet it's the Japanese. all: Yeah.

- Nope!

Contrary to popular belief,

the Japanese are not a company;

they're a country.

And countries do not buy out companies;

companies do.

- So... The Japanese did not

buy out Columbia.

Sony did.

- Oh! You know what?

It's the Americans. - Yeah.

- It's the Americans.

- Yes!

Oddly enough, the Americans are a company.

They bought us out; they think A.T. & Love

is a stupid name, so they're shutting us down.

As of now, you do not have jobs.

- Oh my God.

- Now, I know that you're probably

all worrying about me.

Well, don't.

I've been paid a $-million golden parachute

and am sailing around the world.

So, all ashore that's going ashore.

Whee!

- [hyperventilating]

- What, what is it? - What is it?

- It's my fault.

- No! - Why you, Kath?

- I didn't work hard enough.

If I'd only worked harder.

If I'd only--

- Kathie, it's not your fault!

I blame those damn Mexicans.

- What? Why the Mexicans?

- Because I went there for two weeks,

and I never got laid.

- Ha!

How could you? - Tanya...

- Um... Well, I guess I better

photocopy my résumé while I still have access.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Tanya?

Tanya, what are you doing?

- Photocopying my breasts.

I'm going back to stripping.

both: Temp. Slut.

Temp slut.

- Oh, it's not the same. - No.

- Well, I'm going to do what any

resourceful woman would do in a time of hardship.

I'm going to steal toilet paper.

- Good idea!

- Kathie...

- What now, Cath?

- Oh. Oh, I don't know, I'll--

I'll probably just return to my hometown and

marry my childhood sweetheart, Hair Man.

- I didn't know you had a childhood sweetheart.

- Oh, yeah.

He's the richest Mennonite in Kitchener.

Tick, tick.

What about you? What are you gonna do?

- I'm gonna do what most of us

are gonna do, Cath.

Get drunk for a few days.

Gain six pounds.

- Or ten.

- Yeah.

And when the dust settles, I'll pick up the pieces,

and I'll get a job almost exactly like this one.

I might get paid a little bit more.

- Or less. - Yeah.

And it'll seem weird at first.

But then I'll get used to it.

And one day,

I'll bump into you at a Laundromat.

- Or skills exchange workshop.

- Yes.

And we'll realize that we've both moved on.

- Oh, Kathie, I'm gonna miss you.

- Pens! All you can carry!

- Come on, Tanya.

- Where do you want it?

- Oh, just drop them there. I'll gather them later.

- Well, you know, I figure they

owe us for all the time we put in here.

However temporarily.

- Yeah.

Wow.

Five years, eh?

all: Yeah.

- I'll really miss you guys.

We're family.

- Yeah. - No we're not.

My family isn't even family.

- That's what I meant.

- Oh, you're right. all: Oh, yeah.

- Could we have a group hug?

- Yeah, come on. - Yeah, come on.

- I almost forgot. - Oh, my god.

- We will be requiring that you

all turn in your security passes...

[all groaning]

Your coffee mugs...

Oh, and your wigs.

[all groaning]

Adios!

all: [grumbling]

- Well...

Bye.

all: Bye!

[cheers and applause]

[crickets chirping]

[oompah music]

♪

- Thank God that's finally over.

[oopmah music continues]

♪

♪

♪