06x02 - Epidode 2

[bunniefuu]

[door clunks and squeaks open]

[door squeaks closed]

[feet shuffle slowly]

[alarm beeps off]

♪♪♪

- Hello beautiful.

Daddy's gonna take you for a spin.

[leather crinkles]

[engine sputters]

[rock music plays]

Let's burn leather.

[garage door rumbles open]

[motor revs]

♪♪♪

[engine roars]

Woo! [engine rumbles]

♪♪♪

[wheels screech]

♪♪♪

Woo!

Hey, Barney!

♪♪♪

[engine revs, ladies giggle]

♪♪♪

[engine roars]

♪♪♪

- Hey, Dougie.

That heart att*cks' looking good on yeah, Buddy.

[engine sputters]

♪♪♪

Pretty nice, huh?

You should get one like this. I'll take you for a ride.

- Sweet ride!

- Thanks.

[footsteps thud]

- What do we got here?

- Kleenex, remote, cheesies.

Whole set up.

- What is she, an '? - '

- [whistles]

- Two hundred thousand miles on her.

Corduroy wheels.

[rock music]

♪♪♪

- You wanna race? - Sure.

- For pink slips?

I mean...

unless you're chicken.

[engines rev]

- Let's race.

[rock music, engines sputter]

- Are you ready? - [engines rev]

- Show 'em what you got, Brownie.

[engines rev] - [readying exhale]

Go!

[engine roars, tires squeal]

[onlookers cheering]

[engine sputters and quits]

[leather creaks] - [grunts]

I miss my wife.

- Hey, Rick.

[car engine rumbles] [Mark] Sucker!

[approaching light motor hum]

- Hey, Gary. Need a lift?

- I sure do.

[rock music]

Noticed ya lookin' at me. - Oh yeah.

- Oh yeah. This is good.

[♪ Shadowy Men: "Having an Average Weekend"]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

- Come on, in.

This is the room where you'll be meeting

your little stranger. [chuckles]

So, why don't you just have a seat,

make yourselves comfortable,

and just sort of get used to the space. Okay.

- Thank you, Doctor. - There you go.

- I have to say though, I'm-I'm very, very nervous.

I mean, let's face it, I'm a little too old

to be doing this for the first time.

But you're sure everything looks okay.

- Oh, yes, yes, yes. Definitely.

- Good. - Oh.

- I don't foresee there being any problems, at all.

- Well, thank God. Dr. Williams said you were the best.

- Oh, did she?

I imagine she told you about my drop average, then.

- Hmm? - Pardon me?

- Yes, my drop average is the lowest in the city,

and I don't mean to toot my own horn,

but it is third-lowest in North America.

- Well, that's great, but I'm not entirely sure

of what you're uh-- - Yeah, I think what my wife

is trying to get at, and excuse our ignorance, Doctor,

but what exactly is drop average?

- Oh, well, a drop average is pretty much exactly

what it sounds like.

It is the average amount of times during the delivery

of a newborn that there is droppage.

- You drop babies?

- Does a bear sh*t in the woods?

Or more apt question would be does a doctor

drop a newborn baby in the delivery room,

and the answers are yes and yes.

- Hmm.

- Now, the national drop average is percent.

- So, more half the time. - That's right.

But my drop average, percent.

- So, for every babies you deliver,

you drop on the floor.

- Yes, I do.

You know, I was on "The Tonight Show" once,

and Jimmy Fallon threw greased Chihuahuas at me,

and I was able to catch seven of them.

Jimmy was only able to hold on to one.

And he's a big star!

- Sure, yeah, I mean-- - He is a big star.

- You don't get more famous than Jimmy Fallon.

- No, no, no, sure, but doesn't that hurt the babies?

- Mr. Montreal, if you will excuse a little indelicacy,

would you describe your wife's vag*na as tight?

- Oh, very! - Aw.

- And would you say that your penis

is bigger or smaller than this doll?

- Bigger! Yeah, twice as big.

- Not the doll's penis, the entire doll.

- Oh, gotcha. Smaller. Way smaller.

- What's your point, Doctor?

- Well, my point is... that if a newborn baby

can manage to squeeze its way out of you,

then surely it can handle a little droppage.

Newborns are like rubber.

- 'Cause they bounce. - No, no, they don't bounce.

No. It'd be great if they did

'cause then you could catch them on the first bounce

and you could factor that into your stats.

But no, they don't bounce,

but newborns are very resilient.

[baby clatters in drawer]

Oh, do you mind? - Yes, I do, actually.

Why did you bother asking if I'd mind?

- Curiosity? Besides, if I don't smoke,

I get the shakes, and then my drop average really plummets.

- So, you'll be smoking during delivery?

- Oh, yeah, like a chimney!

[lid clatters, mucus ripples]

Catch! - Oh, gee!

Oh, God! Ugh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

I've got it. - Oh.

- Mm-hmm. See?

I don't do that percent of the time.

- Okay! I'm sold! - Great.

- Me too. If you'll still have us.

- Oh, of course!

But I will need you to sign this Finders Keepers agreement.

- Oh, and that is for?

- Oh, it's pretty standard stuff, once again, yeah.

It's just an agreement that says uh,

if I find anything else in there during the delivery,

that uh, I get to keep it.

- Oh, fantastic. - Yeah.

- Whoops! - Oh, there we go.

- There we go. - Giv'er another try.

- Oh, geez here we go. - All right.

♪♪♪

- The next stop on our tour is The Marble Faun.

This is the very first bar that I ever worked at.

Do you know that I was -years-old?

- So, you were underage.

- Well, technically.

But it was the s. w*r time. [chuckles]

All hands on deck!

- Were you a good bartender?

- I was the worst.

Yet, at the end of the night, I took home more tips

than a mohel.

- Hey, isn't your old bar, "Buddy's"

around here somewhere? - Oh yes.

But it b*rned to the ground years ago.

- Well, what's there now? - Oh, nothing!

He tried so many things over the years -

a flower shop, an escape room,

another gay bar. - Hmm.

- But it also burnt to the ground.

Now it's just an empty lot.

- Sounds like a curse!

- That's what I told the police, both times.

Oh, Sweet Jesus!

Have they no shame?

- What's up, Bud?

- [exhales] Demetri,

this used to be Mount Olympus,

the greatest bathhouse in all of history!

Home of the Gods.

Now it's just another sleezy condominium.

[thunder cracks]

- Did you used to go there? - Go there?

I practically lived there.

- Why? Were you homeless?

- Well, not always.

What is this? - It looks like one of those

holes that people look through to see what's happening

on the other side of the construction site.

- Demetri, then why is it at waist level?

- Maybe it's for kids!

- [giggles] Oh, you guileless protégé, you!

[chuckles]

[Gloryhole] Buddy, you silly slut! It's been forever.

- Hello? Who is this?

- It's me, the old gloryhole from Mount Olympus!

- Excuse me?

- The one under Slurp Ramp. We've met lots of times.

- Is this one of those "Just for Laughs" gags?

- No! Why don't you take a look and see for yourself?

- I'll do it. - No, no, no, I feel safe.

I think I've been here before.

[♪ Lil Nas X: "Montero"]

♪ Call me when you want, call me when you need ♪

♪ Call me in the morning I'll be on the way ♪

♪ Call me when you want, call me when you need ♪

♪ Call me out by your name, I'll be on the way, like ♪

♪ Call me by your name ♪

♪ Tell me you love me ♪

- So, it's true! Well, how the hell did you get here?

- Well, when they tore the place down,

the workers decided to put me here, as a joke, ha ha.

- Well, that makes sense. But how can you talk?

- Well, a few years ago,

around the half millionth cum sh*t,

I figure, I achieved consciousness.

- Hmm.

- I didn't say much for the longest time.

- Well, understandable, your mouth was so full.

But why talk now?

- Because what the Gods had predicted, has come true!

I am the last gloryhole.

[thunder cracking]

- I knew this day would come.

Is there anything that I can do?

- Be careful, Buddy, there's always a catch with a genie.

- Oh, yeah.

- I'm not a genie, and there is no catch, Twinkie.

Buddy, I just want you to have me declared

a national monument!

- You know, I have a friend who just might be able to help.

[regal music plays]

- We gather here today,

on this solemn occasion,

to salute the brave men

and men,

who took the ultimate leap of faith

by sticking their members through a strange hole.

With the hope that someone with good intentions

was on the other side.

But let us not forget

those on the other side,

kneeling in anticipation

for their own hopes

that what comes through that hole

cums in good faith.

Much like we kneel

in our places of worship.

Pray that God will one day

shower us with his bounty.

- Any last words before Liz cuts the ribbon

and your life turns into a media circus?

[Gloryhole] Yes, I kinda lied.

There's sort of a catch.

- I told ya!

- I now declare the last gloryhole

open for business!

[scissors snip, bagpipe bellows]

[Gloryhole] Okay, Buddy, time for the catch!

Come closer! Closer still!

- Thank you.

[clapping]

- Now, stick it in.

[zipper whizzes]

And make a wish.

[hypnotizing music plays]

[thunder cracks]

[Hip Hop music plays]

♪♪♪

To Déjà Vu Vu.

♪ Call me by your name ♪

♪ Tell me you love me in private ♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

- [pained cries] Oh! Oh!

- You can do it. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Don't embarrass me. - Ah! [breathing heavily]

- All right, I think we're almost there!

- [pained grunts] - Oh yes, looking good.

Okay, tell ya what.

Come on, I think we just need one more big push from you

and then we are home free! All right?

Okay, come on! Come on! Giv'er! Giv'er! Giv'er!

[mucus splatters] - Whoa! Whoa!

Ah! Ah! Gah! Wah!

Ah! Ah! Whoa!

Hey... oh boy! - [baby cries]

- Yes! Yes!

Mark that down as a clean catch. [laughs]

Oh, there you got her?

Ah, I think it's a girl, or something.

- Huh? - Ah.

- [baby cries]

- Oh, hey, looky here!

Wow, a Casio watch. Cool!

- Hey, that's my brother's watch!

- Ah. - Huh.

- [baby cries]

♪♪♪

[rapid knocking on door]

[door creaks open]

- Hey, man, I'm sorry about coming over

at : in the morning drunk,

but I just really needed to talk.

- But it's only :, and you're sober.

- Oh, damn. Uh, okay...

well, I'll go get drunk and I'll be back in four hours.

- Okay. - Yeah.

[door clunks shut]

[knocking on door, door creaks open]

- Hey. - Oh, come on in.

- All right, thanks.

- I'll tell ya what,

I'll make us up a pot of coffee.

- Oh, that'd be great. Thanks for letting me come over.

- What's got you so upset?

- Well, I think my imaginary girlfriend

is cheating on me.

- Are you crazy?

Camille would never do that, she loves you.

- Well, that's what I thought, but...

lately when I imagine us together, I dunno,

she just seems distant.

Like her thoughts are somewhere else.

- Well, I'm sure you're wrong.

She's not the type to run around.

- Oh, I wish I could believe that.

[sighs] The other night,

I imagined we were over at her place.

You know, just having a quiet night in.

We ordered Thai food

and settled in on the couch to watch an old movie.

It was perfect.

Then her phone rang.

She checked the caller ID and a strange...

look crossed her face.

She said it was a sales call

and she didn't wanna answer it.

Phone rang for what seemed like an eternity.

Finally it stopped,

but for the rest of the night she seemed

Tense and distracted.

So, I think it's pretty obvious she's cheating on me.

- Oh, you're wrong. She's good and true.

- Oh, that's how I always imagined her.

But now, [alcohol pours]

I think maybe she's just a whore.

- Hey! Don't talk that way about Camille!

She's an angel!

Least that's how I imagine her.

- What? - [glass thuds on table]

- You've been imagining my imaginary girlfriend?

- Well--

- So, it's been you all along, huh?

- No, you've got it all wrong. - Oh, do I have it all wrong?

- You do. - Then why don't you describe

it to me. What was it like, huh? Did you imagine her

f*cking you like an animal? - Oh stop.

- Huh, is that it? Huh? Did you imagine her

Digging her fingernails into the small of your back

and crying out your name as she came?

- Well, I am now.

- Stop that!

- Look, I only ever imagined her as a friend.

- Oh, do you think I'm an idiot?

- No, it's true!

I imagined her coming over to give me decorating advice,

or trying to set me up with one of her girlfriends

'cause she thought I was gentle and sweet,

and that I deserved someone great.

- Right, and nothing ever happened.

- Well, once uh...

I did imagine that she got very drunk, and I...

held her hair as she puked.

I washed her face with a damp cloth.

She smiled and she kissed me.

But it didn't mean anything!

- I wish I'd never described her to you!

- I wish you hadn't! I never asked you to!

Damn you and your powers of description!

You painted her with such beautiful words.

You forced her into my mind. It's not my fault that I...

- That you what?

- That I fell in love, damnit.

There, I said it, I love Camille.

Are you happy now? - You son of a bitch!

- Hey, how do you think I feel?

Every time I imagine she's not with me,

I can't stop thinking about her!

No. That makes sense. - That works, that works.

No, that works.

- And every time I imagine the three of us together, say,

traveling through Europe in an old gypsy caravan,

my heart screams out for me to hold her.

To kiss her.

But I know that I mustn't.

- Oh, you poor piece of sh*t!

- Hey, let's face it,

you weren't meeting her imaginary needs.

- Oh, really? Well, f*ck you! - Well, f*ck you.

- No, f*ck you. f*ck you! - Hey, f*ck you. f*ck you!

- No, f*ck you! f*ck you! - f*ck you! f*ck you!

[Both] f*ck you! f*ck you! f*ck you! f*ck you! f*ck you!

- You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna imagine

that she gets k*lled in a car crash!

- Well, I'm gonna imagine that her car's made out of

marshmallows, and she doesn't get a scratch!

- Well, I'm gonna imagine those marshmallows burst into flames!

- Well, I'm gonna imagine that she's wearing

a flame-resistant, yet sexy, asbestos catsuit!

- Ah! This is getting us nowhere!

- You're right. We should let her decide.

- Yeah.

[footsteps thud]

- [exhales]

- Ready? - Yeah.

- Three, two, one.

[romantic music plays]

[Both exhale happily]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

- I imagined that she picked me.

- Well, I imagined she picked me!

- Really? - No.

[sighs] Well...

guess I should leave you to it then.

- Wait! We can all still be friends.

[door creaks open] - No.

I'm afraid I don't have that kind of strength.

[door creaks shut]

- [sighs] [Camille] Don't worry.

♪♪♪

He's stronger than he knows. [small laugh]

- I hate to say this, but could you leave?

I'm expecting Camille. Like, now.

♪♪♪

[Announcer] Friends of Kids in the Hall

Number : Charlene.

- I'm a huge fan of "Kids in the Hall".

Actually, I'm a huge fan of everything.

[chuckles]

I'm micro dosing.

[Announcer] Friends of Kids in the Hall.

Number : Charlene.

[cat screeches]

- All right, all right, so uh,

is everybody, everybody logged in,

or whatever the hell they call it? Or...

[All] Yes. Yes. - Yep, present.

- Yepper. - Alrighty, okay, all right.

Well, I guess uh, none of us have forgotten

the uh, unfortunate incident during our last...

our last Zoom meeting, when uh,

well, Cazowski...

well, he started masturbating is what he did,

and apparently he thought his camera was turned off,

and although that doesn't really explain

why you'd masturbate in a meeting, or why you'd...

keep winking at the camera. - Shame!

- But anyway, out of an abundance of caution,

we are gonna be instituting

some new masturbation policies here.

And uh, with that, I'm gonna hand it over

to Miriam, to explain. - Thank you, Sir.

Hello, everyone. - Hello.

- Remember that blue drink we gave you on Wednesday?

- Mm-hhm. - Yes, it was so fizzy!

- Yes, that's because it was filled

with millions of nanobot sensors

that migrated to every corner of your body,

to monitor heat, moisture, and movement.

So, if anyone should start... Cazowski-ing,

as we now call it in HR,

well then, your Zoom window will start to flash red.

- Well, there ya go. There ya go.

Well, I think that's enough tech jibber-jab,

no offense, Miriam.

Why don't we get to our meeting? Nina!

- Hmm? - Take it away!

- Okay, sure! Now, I have been going over

the last quarter's Finnish numbers.

[computer alarm wails] - Danny!

What they hell were you, you're masturbating!

- No, no. - You were masturbating!

- No, no, no, no, no, Sir. - Oh, yes, you were.

- Sir, please? Please? I was not masturbating,

what I was doing was I was brushing some

toast crumbs off my lap. [chuckles]

Besides, I would never masturbate while eating toast,

I mean, just imagine the trouble

those crumbs could get into. - Oh, well, you know,

that's a very good point.

We'll let it slide this time, Danny.

So, all right, back over to you, Nina!

- Okay! When I first got a look

at these Finnish steel numbers,

[Boss] Uh huh. - I was confused.

[computer alarm wails] Danny! - Whoop!

- What is your excuse this time?

- I-I don't know what happened.

- You're clearly masturbating again.

- Sir, I'm clearly not. I mean uh--

- The nanobots do not lie. - No, no they do not, Danny.

- Well, that may be, but I don't know what happened.

Okay, yes, yes, it crossed my mind.

- So, you were just thinking about having sex.

[Boss] Danny.

- Well... yes. A spanking.

- [gasps] [Danny] Hear me out.

I was listening to Nina wax so eloquently

About the Finnish steel situation

and I just couldn't help but notice that on her bookshelf

she has a copy of "Fifty Shades of Grey".

- [laughs] - [chair rattles]

- Right there. - Oh, my God!

[footsteps shuffle]

I, I-I am so sorry! I...

My bum... my bum. - Mm-hmm.

- [chuckling] - My bum... and pants.

- Nina, all you need to say is my bum.

- I was jet-lagged. - That's it.

We are all... we've all been there.

We've all been there. - [scoffs]

- I know you feel horrible, and I feel horrible.

Would you feel better if I also removed my pants?

- A little, mm-hmm. - Well, then...

that is what I shall do, dear lady.

[Boss] Dan! Danny! - There we go.

- Danny, A little decorum. - Oh, God. Of course!

Absolutely. Yes.

Okay. - That's better.

- Isn't it? There we go. - All right.

- Ha, ha!

[Miriam] You know, Sir, it may not be a bad idea

if we followed Danny's lead.

Could be good for team building.

- What, so we're all just gonna take our clothes off now,

Miriam? - I'm already naked, Sir.

My outfit is actually a clothing transformation app.

- Oh! - Wow!

[Lathan] Me too! I'm actually wearing a diaper.

[computer alarm wails]

[Boss] Lathan, what are you doing?

- False alarm. I just pee-peed.

- I don't feel very safe. - I'm so sorry, Alisha.

- I didn't say I didn't like it.

[computer alarm wails] - Miriam!

- Sorry, Sir, what Alisha just said confused me

and when I get confused I get...

[computer alarm wails] ...excited.

- Safety's for sheep.

[computer alarm wails] - Oh! Sorry!

Sheep is my safe word. [computer alarm wails]

- Who's Daddy's naughty shepherdess?

- [giggling] - Baa!

[computer alarm wails] - [howling]

- It's pretty clear we're not gonna

get any work done today.

So, all in favor of flying solo, but in formation,

say aye. [Others] Aye.

- Alrighty, then. I'll just be watching.

Just to be frank, I haven't had a slow dance

with my Little Richard since we merged

with the Japanese. - [buzzing starts]

- Yeah, that just really took the wind outta my sails.

[computer alarm wails] - Carry on!

[computer alarm wails] [All moaning]

[computer alarm wails] [grunting]

[music start to play] - No music! I need quiet!

- Hey, no... no music! [music stops]

Sorry. [All moaning and grunting]

- Oh, well it looks like Lathan's frozen.

- No, I'm not! That's just my orgasm face.

- Oh. - And I'm close.

♪ I'm very close ♪

♪ Here I come ♪

- Oh, I shoulda...I shoulda taken early retirement.

- You can't know. You can't know when I do it.

You can't know. It's only my secret.

[All moaning] - Only for me.

Okay, I did it!

[All moaning]

- Congratulations, Lathan.

[moaning, buzzing] - Good work, everybody.

- [moaning] - [buzzing]

- [grunts] Yeah.

[moaning, panting]

- [moans]

- Ahhhhhhh.

[buzzing] - [relived moan]

[Lathan] It's only my secret!