01x10 - Earth to Stacey

[bunniefuu]

[SHIP HORN BLOWING]

[CAR ENGINE SPUTTERING]

Aw, Charlene, honey,
it's okay. I didn't mean it.

[BARKING]

Aw, don't be like that.

You know I love you.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

[DOG BARKING]

A.J.: Haven't you been
making the payments?

Not all of them.

The idea is, you're
supposed to make all of them.

No kidding.

And what do you do with
your paychecks? Origami?

Well, I took Paula to Maui.

Oh, well, now that
was a necessity.

Yes, it was a necessity.

Hey, hey, wait a minute. We got
a crisis here and you're going off

to smack little balls around.
Now we need a client fast.

You need a client
fast. I need exercise.

Oh, oh, that's great,
sympathy. Hey, hey!

When you were eight years
old, and you lost your bicycle,

who found it for you?

Who lost it for me?

Yeah, but I found it, didn't I?

Yeah, and when you did, it had two
flat tires and the seat was missing.

I had to ride around standing up

until I could save up enough
allowance to buy a new one.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

WOMAN: Good morning,
Peerless Detectives.

You're right, that is
her. Thanks, Mary Ann.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

MARY: Peerless Detectives.
Yes, can you hold the line, please?

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

MARY: Peerless
Detectives. Good morning.

He's in a meeting. Can I
have him call you back?

Excuse me.

Wheeler.

Stacey Wheeler, right?

Well, right.

Do I know you?

Billy Roy Thompson.

Billy Roy Thompson? Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry. I
don't remember.

Oh...

Well, I was bartending this
party you was at down in Houston

and we got talking
a little bit, you know.

Of course, you
wouldn't remember that.

Billy Roy Thompson. Yeah.

Well, I guess I do.

Well, doesn't that b*at
all? Isn't that somethin'?

Well, what're you
doing in San Diego?

Oh, a little bit of
everything. You know...

Oh, goodness. I
didn't mean to do that.

Let me clean that off for you.

Billy Roy, if I'd
wanted two-tone,

I'd have bought two-tone.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'll tell you
what let's do.

Before that paint dries,
let's step over here real quick.

Hey, Rick, A. J.

They're friends
of mine, darling.

We'll get that taken
care of real quick.

I use this place all the
time, so it'll be all right.

You just sit down
right over here.

There you go. Now
give me that boot.

Right here. There you
go. Now give me a push.

[GRUNTS]

There's a little shoe repair
place right down the street here,

and I'll be back
in just a flash.

And that's a real friendly dog.
He won't bite you or nothin'.

You get down, dog.
Go on, get down.

Now you stay.

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

Uh-oh.

Hello. Huh?

Let me guess.
Somebody stole your shoe,

and you want me to
track it down for you.

Well, no. Not exactly.

You came in here to
steal one of my shoes,

but you're an art lover and
you couldn't resist the picture.

Well, now you're getting closer.

You're a friend of Rick's.

Rick?

Well, I don't think so. My
name's Stacey Wheeler.

Hi. I'm A.J. Simon.

Hi.

I know you.

You're the notorious Stacey

"One-Shoe" Wheeler.

STACEY: And the
wedding was all planned.



Family, friends.

The church was decorated
up so pretty and all.

[STACEY SNIFFING]

Oh.

Well, thank you.

I guess I'm just
still so upset by it.

My gown cost $15,000.
And that was just the gown.

Oh, the train, it was
so beautiful, Mr. Simon.

Oh, please. Call me A.J.

AJ.

STACEY: So there I was,

right up in front of
God and everybody.

Stood up at the
altar. Abandoned.

You're joking?

No, I'm not joking.

Your husband-to-be
just simply disappeared?

Gone without a trace. Till this.

It's got no return
address on it.

But it's postmarked San Diego.

I remember Ken told me he's
got a brother named Roger.

Worked around the
boat yards in San Diego.

A.J.: "Stacey, I couldn't
go through with it.

"You're better off
without me. Ken."

So I want you to find him
for me. Can you do that?

Oh, of course.

Well, how long do
you think it'll take?

Oh, a day or two.
Three at the most.

You work with a
partner or alone?

Partner. My brother.

Older brother or younger?

Older.

Well, at least your momma
got it right the second time.

[CRASHING]

Why, thank you.

Obviously, you two
know each other?

Well, Billy Roy Thompson
and I are old friends.

Billy Roy?

She here yet? WOMAN:
Not yet, Mr. Fowler.

STACEY: We don't have to
take two cars. We can take mine.

A.J.: Whatever you
say. You're the boss.

STACEY: Isn't he gorgeous?

I found him on a beach
outside of Galveston.

He was making a
picture down there.

Oh, maybe you saw it,
Chainsaw Honeymoon?

No, I think I missed that one.

Well, it's about a man
who carves up his in-laws

on the night of his wedding.

Well, Ken played the man.

RICK: This is the guy
you were gonna marry?

Well, it's only a movie.

But in real life he's a
great big teddy bear.

Well, I think he must be in
some kind of trouble or something.

And if my daddy were still
alive, I'd know who to blame.

Daddy scared off more
than one of my beaux.

Oh, you've had a few, have you?

A few.

When we find him, what
do you want us to do?

Well, I just wanna talk to him.

I wanna know he's okay.

And I wanna know why.

Here's $1000 expenses.
Will that be enough?

[STUTTERING] It'll do, yes.

For starters.

Thank you.

Oh, use the limo.

Oh, no we couldn't... Okay.

Well, if I need another
one, I'll just get another one.

Oh... Could come in handy.

Call me. Thank you.

Well, thank you.

[LAUGHING]

A.J.: "Come in handy."

How are we gonna do
detective work from a limousine?

Hey, look it.

My truck is rotting away
in some impound lot.

Just give me a break here.

[SIGHING]

At least we're riding in style.

[WHIRRING]

Hi.

I'm looking for
a Roger Fielding.

That's me. Hi. My name
is Bennett. Sam Bennett.

I work for Burt Tasmanian,
Tasmanian Productions.

We did Chainsaw
Honeymoon, Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Listen, we'd like to have a couple of
words with you, if you've got the time.

In the car? Yeah. Come on over.

Sir, this is Mr. Fielding.

Ah, Mr. Fielding.

Nice to meet you.

We are making a sequel
to Chainsaw Honeymoon,

Sam, fix the man a drink.

Naturally, we want
Ken to star in it.

So it is imperative that I
speak to him immediately.

But at the end of the picture
they sawed Ken's head off.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Of course, they did.

In the sequel his
twin brother shows up

seeking revenge.

Hey, that's a good idea. Hmm.

Of course.

My brother.

And you guys really thought
he was that good, huh?

He was brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant. Am
I right? Was he brilliant?

He glowed. He glowed.

You have any idea
where we could find him?

Oh, yeah. I mean,
no. I mean, maybe.

Ah. Well, of course
if he's not available,

we could always go
with Rex Hollywood.

Now wait a minute.
I didn't say that.

I'm pretty sure he is available.

Good.

I'll call him.

A.J. AND RICK: Good.

Roger, what're
you talking about?

Burt Tasmanian d*ed two weeks after
Chainsaw Honeymoon was released.

Yeah, well how the heck
was I supposed to know that?

Can't you get it
through your head

not to talk to anyone about me?

Well, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.

I guess I'm just too
stupid to understand

why my brother's
acting like an idiot.

Ken, for crying out loud,
you just had a chance to marry

one of the richest
women in the world!

And now you got a chance to
get your acting career going again.

They're not from
Hollywood, damn it!

Well, then, who are they?

I don't know and I
don't want to know.

Roger, I'm supposed
to be in hiding.

Hiding? From what? Never mind.

Look, just get rid of
those two. Please?

Sorry. He's not interested.

What do you mean,
he's not interested?

Nobody says no
to Burt Tasmanian.

Hey look, I don't
know who you are,

but I know that's not
Burt Tasmanian in there.

It's not? No.

Burt Tasmanian d*ed last year.

Oh.

Hey, look, no joking.

You don't give me
a good explanation

why you wanted to
talk to my brother Ken,

you guys are just
wasting your time here.

All right, look it, bottom line.

Let's go. Come on, come on.

Roger. What're you
doing home so soon?

Yeah, well, look, kiddo,

I think it's time you ought
to start talking to me.

And to them.

Whoa, hey! Whoa, whoa!
Easy! Hey, come on, come on!

We're private
detectives! Take it easy!

Stacey sent us.

It was Stacey who
hired you guys?

Who'd you think hired us?

Well, nobody.

It's just that after
what I did to her

I didn't think she'd ever
want to see me again.

Can you guys just tell her to go back
to Houston and forget the whole thing?

What do we look
like, Western Union?

You got a message
for her, you call her.

Look, you know
what you need here?

You need a little time just to kind of
sort things out. You know what I mean?

So we'll set up a meeting for
sometime next week, okay?

No. No?

No, on second thought, I want
to see her as soon as possible.

I've got to put an end
to this once and for all.

Look, I don't think

you ought to rush into this
thing, you know what I mean?

Would you happen to have any
time free this evening by any chance?

Yes. Yes, I would. Good.

Got a phone? Oh, yeah.

[WHISPERING]
Look, I've still got

three payments to make on
that truck. Now, why are we...

Hello?

Yes, could you connect me
with Stacey Wheeler, please?

Well, how about this one?

Uh-huh.

Well, now in comparison
to the last one,

I would give this... Oh, a 74.

Not the greatest b*at in the
world, but it's kind of catchy.

I can dance to it.

Stacey, you're already
half an hour late.

Shouldn't you get down there?

Well, I want to
make him wait, silly.

After all, he's the man that
stood me up at my own wedding.

No, I don't think so.

Too sexy.

I think the one with
the high neckline.

Oh.

Jackets are required
at the dining room, sir.

I'm wearing a jacket.

Not that type of jacket, sir.

Ties are also required.

Well, then why don't we
just make it an order to go.

That's all right.

We're gonna leave in just
a second. We're just visiting.

You all right?

Stacey?

I'm fine. Thank you.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay.

Stacey.

You look wonderful,
you know that?

I want you to know that I
really... Oh, don't get up, Ken.

I want to remember
you just like this.

Stacey, before you start getting
emotional, just listen to me.

Why, thank you.

That's just what
I've been looking for.

[EXCLAIMS]

We could have stalled
for at least a day.

Rick.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[WOMAN SCREAMING]
MAITRE D': Oh, madame!

Oh, no.

Please, control yourself!
Restrain yourself. Stacey!

Stacey, stop! It is not
customary behavior!

I must ask you to leave!
Madame, please! Stacey, please!

We're in a restaurant!
Come on, Stacey!

MAITRE D': We have
a reputation to maintain!

You stay out of this! I mean it!

I must ask you to leave! MAN:
Somebody ought to call the police.

I'll buy the place
from you, damn it!

Stacey!

Do not make my... Oh, no.

I will not stop! He
hasn't had enough yet!

Will you please
stop this, Stacey?

I might get my
truck back after all.

No, no. No, no, no... I'm
gonna get even with him.

Some respect, please!

Calm down, Stacey,
just take it easy. I won't!

A.J.: Ow! v*olence!

You come back here! Where
do you think you're going?

Let me go! Put me down! On second
thought, we'll just have room service.

STACEY: Oh, God!

A.J.: Ow!

I don't think
anything is broken.

Here.

This'll help take some
of the ache away.

Here we go. Move your foot.

There you go.

Oh! Boy, that's cold!

It's supposed to be
cold. Keep your foot in it.

Well, I don't know how I'm
gonna make this up to you.

I behaved dreadfully down there.

You can't, so
don't bother trying.

Well, I think it was
perfectly understandable.

Well, I mean, you know, the
shock of seeing him again and all.

Of course, you know,
he did run away again.

Oh, well, I was hoping
you'd find him for me again.

Well, I think we
probably... No, we cannot.

Yes, we can. No, we cannot.

AJ... Not!

Would you excuse
us for just a second?

Sure. Thank you.

[WHISPERING] Look, I
know that she is a little crazy.

[CHUCKLING] A little? But

two more days on this job
and I get my truck back. No!

AJ... Not!

She'll probably
let us use the limo.

Whoop-dee-doo.

No. We are through
with this case. No!

Sorry.

Well, maybe if I
talk to him privately.

RICK: Privately. Oh, uh-huh.

Well, I'll tell
you what I'll do.

I'll just wait down in
the bar, or the limo.

I'll send him along
shortly. Okay.

Hey, Rick, come back. Rick!

How's your foot?

It hurts.

Room service? This
is Stacey Wheeler.

Could you send up two
bottles of champagne

and some Russian caviar?

Thank you.

Morning, Rog.

Thought you'd be to work by now.

Sorry I didn't call. Been
out walking all night.

That woman is crazy.

You would not believe
what happened last night.

Funny. You took the
words right out of my mouth.

My God, Rog! What... Oh, Kenny.

What the hell happened?
Kenny, why didn't you tell me?

Yeah, Kenny, why
didn't you tell him?

Yeah, if you'd told him
we were friends of yours,

maybe he wouldn't
have put up such a fight.

Why, you...

Come on, come on.

Come on, why don't you
poach one of his eggs?

No, no. We don't want to hurt
the groom-to-be, now, do we?

What do you guys want?

I gave you the money back and I
promised I'd keep my mouth shut.

And I have.

Now, why can't
you leave me alone?

Kenny, you know we're
only middle management.

We don't make the decisions,
we just carry them out.

Like you will.

Then let me talk to the
man. Tell me who he is.

You know that wasn't part
of the original agreement.

Now, our employer
has lived up to his end.

Don't you want
to live up to yours?

Oh, that?

Not exactly Cupid's bow,
but it's just as effective.

[EXCLAIMS] Hey, there.

Where have you been?

Wait a minute. You
were up there all night.

You know, my foot's a
lot better this morning.

I think it must be
the eggs Benedict.

Anyway, you're right,
there's nothing broken.

The hell with your
foot! What happened?

Nothing. William, can you
take us around to the office?

Oh, first let's stop some place.

We'll get Rick something to eat.

I was gonna send
you something down,

but you know how slow they are
in places like this with room service.

WOMAN: May I take
your order please?

Give me a couple
of chili egg supremes,

three or four orders
of hash browns,

couple of cherry cobblers, a
box of Captain Nemo Cookies,

and a strawberry shake.

Oh, yeah, and a cup of
coffee. What do you want?

Good morning, Myron.

What's wrong with
him? How should I know?

Listen,

I think I'll call up ol' Ken and
see if we can stir up round two.

Of course, you know, he's probably
gonna want to wait for a week or two,

so I was just thinking that
maybe we ought to wait

a couple of days
before we even call him.

You know, "Absence makes
the heart grow fonder." Hmm.

Are you talking about
Stacey or your Power Wagon?

Call now.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello, Simon and...
Ken, hi. How are you?

You do, huh?

[STUTTERING] That soon?

Listen, are you sure that you...

Yeah, okay.

He wants to set up
a meeting right away.

Now where do we want to do it?

Well, I think a public
place. Mmm-hmm.

How about right outside?

Hi, Ken.

Listen, Stacey really wants
to apologize for last night,

so, how about lunch?

Well, it's quiet.

That's good.

It's too quiet.

That's bad.

Here, you do this. I
can't do it anymore.

It's like waiting for
the other shoe to drop.

You ran out on me

in front of 700 of my
closest friends and relatives.

Stacey... The
governor was there.

Stacey, I... Plus
representatives from 16 states.

I even received a wedding
card from the President.

Why, Ken?

AJ; Uh-oh.

Look out, Houston
control. We have tears.

If my daddy were still alive,

he'd have filled
you full of holes

and hung you out to dry.

But since my
daddy's not alive...

Oh, I think it's time
to abort the mission.

Oh, it's too late. We
may have a lift-off.

RICK: Hit the deck!

Come on. You take Wile E.
Coyote, I'll take the Road Runner...

Oh, no, I'll take
the Road Runner.

Thank you. STACEY: Give it back!

A.J.: Let it go!

No way. Let it
go. Give it to me!

Come on. Relax, relax.

[SOBBING]

LASSITER: Hold it!

It's time to terminate
our agreement, pal.

Get in the car.

Did you see that?

Yeah, I did. Hey, what
is that? What's going on?

Let's get out of here!

MAN 1: Hey, look!

MAN 2: What in the world
is going on around here?

MAN 3: I don't know.
This place is going crazy.

I'm going back to Indiana.

[TITTERING]

[STUTTERING] That's just a
couple of old fraternity brothers.

You know, practical joke.
Those guys are... nuts.

[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]

Five bucks says she
talks her way out of it.

A.J.: No bet.

All right.

Two days at $300
a day. That's $600.

Expenses.

$200 plus countless
thousands in damages.

Bonus... [CHUCKLING]

I doubt it.

Well, if you subtract
our fee from the advance,

we're gonna wind
up owing her money.

Damn.

Here she comes.

Well, I just...

[SNIFFLING]

Well, I guess y'all think I'm
some kind of fool or something.

No.

We just thought
you wanted to spend

the rest of your life in jail.

Oh, jail.

Nobody with money in
this country goes to jail.

That does it!

That does it!

Oh, hey, wait a second,
where you going?

I never thought I'd live to see
the day when I would willingly

hand deliver a client
to our competition.

But then, I hadn't met
Miss 18 Wheeler yet!

Is Myron in? JANET: Yes.

No, A.J, wait! He's
with a client. A.J.!

What's the meaning of this?

How would you like to
have your client back?

How'd you like to
have a broken jaw?

Thanks, Myron. I've
had everything else, but.

I don't care if you walk
for the rest of your life.

In fact, I hope they've
taken the Power Wagon

and turned it into
scrap metal. I...

Hey, you know what they say,

"The opera ain't over
till the fat lady sings."

And I think I hear
her warming up.

[GRUNTING]

Rest assured, Miss Wheeler,

we have an excellent
missing persons recovery rate.

We'll find him. RICK:
Too late, Myron.

We've already found him. Again.

He's in the office and
wants to talk to you.

And this time I think you'd
better listen. Bye, Janet.

Hey, wait a minute!

Were doing you a
favor, Myron. Trust me.

Believe me, this one
is nothing but trouble.

Trouble?

How can $60 million in
personal assets be trouble?

What?

You mean, you were
paid to fall in love with me?

I was paid to get you
to fall in love with me.

Well, that's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

Well, it's the truth.

My job was to keep you
away from the corporate office.

Job?

You mean, somebody in
the company hired you?

Well, I don't believe you.

You're lying. You're a liar.

Well, isn't somebody gonna
get me a tissue or something?

Well, maybe it
is time I grew up.

Let's pretend for a
minute you're not lying.

Who paid you to do this?

I don't know.

You don't know?

I don't know.

I never met the man.
Only his two employees.

The ones that
were following you.

All I do know is that

it's someone very high
up in your corporation.

Well, how much did they pay you?

[SOBBING]

Okay. How's this?

"Everything can
still be worked out,

"but the arrangements
are not yet satisfactory.

"Must meet with you personally.

"Call me in San Diego. Ken."

Sounds great.

Okay, here's what we do.

We wire a copy of this to
every one of your top executives.

If Ken's lying,
nothing'll happen.

They'll just think it's a joke.

If he's telling
the truth, though,

one of them's
bound to answer it.

Okay?

Earth to Stacey.

You have to make up your mind.

It's time to join
the real world.

Send it.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello.

HAMPTON: Who is this?

This is Ken
Fielding. Who is this?

I got your wire. You have
a problem? What is it?

Let's talk about this in person.

I don't think that would
be a very good idea.

You don't know who I am, and I
would really prefer to keep it that way.

["M sure we can work out
your problem over the telephone.

Listen,

I'm really getting tired of
dealing with underlings,

Mr. Hampton.

If you want me to keep
Stacey on a leash for you,

you do what I say.

All right.

There is a flight leaving

Houston for San Diego at


You meet me at
the airport. Satisfied?

Not yet,

You say the things I
want to hear tomorrow.

Then I'll be satisfied.

Goodbye, Mr. Hampton.

Who's Hampton?

Miller Hampton.
Executive Vice-President.

He's been with the company
since I was a little girl.

Honey. SECRETARY:
Yes, Mr. Hampton?

Check and see if there are
any company jets available.

I'm going to San
Diego tonight. Yes, sir,

Good morning, Stacey.

What the hell are
you doing here?

You don't seem too
surprised to see me.

Well, I'm just surprised you
didn't have the courtesy to knock.

No, damn it! I'm not
gonna play games with you.

I want an explanation.

You'll get one.

How much did Ken tell you?

He told me everything.

Except how a man my
daddy loved and respected

could have done a
thing like this to me.

Your daddy was a
great man, Stacey.

Up to the day he d*ed, I'd
about say, he led a charmed life.

Seems the only thing he
ever failed at was raising you.

My daddy was proud of me.

And I don't realize as how we've
been losing any money since I took over.

You're unpredictable.
You're just not in control.

And a business can't operate
under those circumstances.

A business has
got to be efficient

and in control and predictable.

So, I invented Ken

to keep you occupied
and out of the way.

But I guess that
didn't work out, did it?

You go get her packed.

You go get dressed. We're
going back to Houston.

We have a noon appointment
with Judge Harger.

Judge Harger?

Well, what're you gonna
do? Have me committed?

I think your actions

since you have been in San Diego

kind of speak for themselves.

The little incident at
the hotel restaurant,

gunplay in a public place.

I was upset.

You were upset?

You ever bother to
wonder why your fiance

walked out on you the
day of your wedding?

I think he walked
out on you, honey,

'cause he came to the
conclusion that you're crazy.

No.

Or rather, insane.

No!

Let's face it, Stacey... No!

You need somebody
to take care of you.

You need help.

[GASPING]

[RINGING]

Yo. He wasn't on the flight.

I checked the passenger list.

Wasn't on the flight? What?

We've been double-crossed.
You better call Houston.

All right, look, we'll meet you at
the hotel. You get over there fast.

On my way.

WOMAN 1: is.
Wheeler Corporation,

Yeah, Miller Hampton, please.

This is Billy Roy
Johnson calling.

Just a moment, Mr. Thompson.

Yeah, thank you, ma'am.

WOMAN 1: Mr. Hampton's office.

Yeah, is he in? This
here is Billy Roy calling

from Johnson Oil
over in Lubbock.

I'm sorry, Mr. Thompson,

Mr. Hampton left for
San Diego late last night.

Last night?

Hi.

I think that's our
guy over there.

Yep.

Look, why don't
you stay here okay?

Okay. We'll follow him.

Well, I don't know about the
Padres chances this season.

Maybe next.

Yeah.

The service
elevator's down there.

You know what the Chargers need?

George Allen.

Allen? Yeah.

You crazy? Allen ought to
be coaching in high school.

Oh, come on. Tell
you one thing, though,

if Fouts gets his interception
rate down, he's in good shape.

A.J.: You sure we're
going the right way?

Yeah, our room's
right down here.

HAMPTON: Everything all right?

No! Those are the
guys that Stacey hired.

I wonder where they're
taking that laundry cart?

Not to the laundry room.
They're gonna go to Houston.

Hey! Hey, stop!

MAN: Hey, he's got a g*n!

Freeze, hold it
right there. All right.

Hey! Did you see some guys come
through here with a laundry cart?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They went that way!

[SIGHING]

[GRUNTS]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

I think she's gonna be okay.

Well, don't stop.

Thank you.

STACEY: "Dear A.J. and Rick,

”just a short note to thank
y'all for what you did for me.

”I'm in the process of learning,

"I mean, really learning

"what it is to be chairperson

”of this great corporation
my daddy left me.

"It's gonna take a while,

”but hopefully some day
I'll do justice to the title.

"By the way, I heard from Ken.

”As soon as he gets out of the
hospital, he's going back to Hollywood,

”It seems they really are gonna make
a sequel to Chainsaw Honeymoon.

"He thinks he's got a
real sh*t at the lead.

”Good luck in your
future endeavors.

”And if you ever get to
Houston, be sure and drop in,

”Well, I mean it.
Love, Stacey. ”

Well,

looks like our
poor little rich girl's

on her way to becoming a
responsible grown-up woman.

Uh-uh. Not quite.

Huh?

The check that that poor
little rich girl sent us...

bounced.

Bounced? Bounced.