07x03 - This New House

[bunniefuu]

[theme song]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪

♪ Nothing’s going
to stand in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ And a long‐lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze ♪

♪ I’m bound for better days ♪

♪ It’s my life
and my dream ♪

♪ And nothing’s going
to stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music on stereo]

You, you seem a little
distracted tonight

my little pork loin.

I was just thinking
about Jennifer and Larry.

They get home
from their honeymoon tonight.

Right about now Larry’s probably
carrying Jennifer

across the threshold
of their new apartment.

‐Isn’t it romantic?
‐Yes, it is.

Unless Cousin Larry
threw his back out...

...in which case
Cousin Jennifer is carrying him

across the threshold.

Which is still kind of
romantic in a ’90s kind of way.

Well, as long as
the lights are low

and it’s just
the two of us...

why don’t we take advantage
of the situation?

[giggles]

I know what you’re thinking.

Shadow animals.

I’ll get the screen
and the lamp.

Balki, that wasn’t what
I was thinking.

Oh, what were you thinking?

[music continues]

Mary Anne, I need the key
to the apartment.

Okay, Jennifer,
so, I made one little mistake!

It was not
a little mistake.

You didn’t put
the deposit down

on our beautiful new apartment
and now it’s someone else’s

beautiful new apartment.

Jen... Jennifer,
I, I promise you

by this time tomorrow

we’ll have an even
nicer apartment

th‐than the one we lost.

That’s fine, Larry,
but until you find that place

I’ll be living upstairs.

Oh, we‐well,
well, at‐at least

let me carry you over
your old threshold.

‐Did you hear something?
‐No.

[instrumental music]

And here we are
back in the living room.

Now, this room
has southern exposure

so, you get lots of light
in here all day long.

[Balki]
’Look out, everyone!’

I’m racing my jacket down
the laundry chute!

Larry, I love this house.

It’s everything
I ever dreamed of.

Well, nothing’s too good
for you, sweetheart.

Yes! I won.

And this is one
of my fastest jackets.

Uh, Mr. Dexter, I’d like
to look at the upstairs again.

Sure.

Did you notice
that we have designer faucets

in the master bathroom?

Balki, isn’t this great?
Jennifer loves this house.

Cousin, you are going
to be so happy here.

No, no, not here,
we’re not gonna be living here.

No, Jennifer and I could
never afford a place like this.

Cousin, I, I, I know
you think of me

as a simple
country pumpkin

who just stepped off
the goat, but...

...why would you show Jennifer
a house that you cannot afford?

Well, Balki,
it’s simple.

See, I promised Jennifer
I’d find her

a terrific apartment to make up
for the one I lost.

I couldn’t.
All I could find was a dump.

Now, when Jennifer
comes back downstairs

I’m going to insist
that we take this house.

She’ll know we can’t
possibly afford it

but I’ll tell her I’m willing
to sacrifice anything

so she can have it.

She still won’t take it

but she’ll think that I am
the most wonderful husband

in the world

and we’ll live happily
ever after...

...in that dump.

Get it?

I...

I’m close...

...but, eh, could we
take it again

from "Balki, it’s simple?"

Balki, all you have
to understand is that

the more Jennifer
loves this house

the more
she’s gonna love me.

The more Cousin Jennifer
loves this house

the more she will love
Cousin Larry.

Yes, exactly.

Well, Jennifer,
what do you think?

I mean, it’s an amazing house,
isn’t it?

Oh, Larry,
I love this house

but we can’t afford it.

Well, if you really want it

we’ll‐we’ll just sacrifice
a‐and make it work somehow.

I’ll probably have
to work a lot overtime.

Maybe even
get a second job.

We won’t be seeing
each other that much

but, but, hey, if this
is what you want

we’ll get it.

Larry, I do love this house
but it’s too expensive.

So. I don’t love it that much.

‐Well, if that’s the way feel...
‐Are you crazy?

Do you see
the same house I saw?

Three spacious bedrooms?

Two and a half baths?

Did you see
the laundry chute?

Yes, Balki, it’s
a very nice house

but it’s just
really too expensive.

Well, if you think
it’s too much‐‐

How can you put a price
on the happiness

that living in the house
like this could give you?

Did you notice
the window seat?

[gasps]

Do you know
how many woman in America

would give their eyebrow

to have a window seat
like this?

What about when it’s one of them
cold Chicago nights

and it’s way too windy
to sit in the window seat?

You want some place
nice and warm to snuggle up?

You got it!

You got it!
Look at this!

It’s a walk‐in fireplace!

But if you think
it’s too much‐‐

Larry, you know,
Balki’s right.

This house is too good
to pass up.

I can work extra flights.
It’s worth any sacrifice.

We’ll take the house.

[gasps]
Oh.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

I’m sorry,
all I had leftover

from my flight were
meals from coach.

Would you like
another bag of peanuts?

It’s so cold in here.

’Don’t touch that!’

Remember,
we made a choice.

Pay for heat
or pay for the rent.

I thought we sold our wedding
gifts to pay for the rent?

No, no,
we sold our wedding gifts

so we could turn on
the electricity.

Larry, it’s cold

I need to keep warm.

And you certainly haven’t
done anything lately

to raise my body temperature.

I have been under
a lot of stress.

And that’s my fault?

We wouldn’t be in this mess
if it weren’t for you.

Me?

You‐you’re the one who,
who had to have this house.

You’re the one who found
this house in the first place.

[knocking on door]

I’ll get it, Larry,
I wouldn’t want to put you

through the stress
of opening the door.

Hi, Balki.
Come on in.

Uh‐huh.

Uh‐huh.

I love it.

I love what you’ve done
with the place.

I’m so glad you didn’t fall
into that Santa Fe trap.

Uh, I made you
a housewarming gift.

It’s a big batch
of ferret juice.

Just let the fur
rise to the top...

...and then skim it off.

Thank you, Balki.

I’ll just go
wash our glass.

This minimalist look
you’re going for is really

starting to come together.

Balki, this isn’t
a minimalist look

it’s a poverty look.

We‐we, we can’t
afford anything

and, and it’s all your fault.

It’s your fault
we live like this.

It’s your fault for convincing
Jennifer she wanted this house

and turning my life
into a living hell!

Cousin, if you want
to choke me

if that makes you feel better,
go right ahead.

[muttering]

Okay, alright, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.

I’m as much
to blame as you are.

But, I‐I just wanted
Jennifer to be happy

at the start of our marriage.

And now look at me!

Look at me! I mean,
I’m eating airline peanuts.

And, and I’m

and I’m too‐too tensed to...

...perform
my husbandly duties.

Oh, that’s horrible...

...making Cousin Jennifer
take out the garbage.

Larry, I can’t go on
living like this.

This house is cold,
we’re eating airline food

and I just broke
our only glass.

Larry, we can’t afford
this house. We have to move.

Jen, we have been over this.

There‐there’s no way
we can break our lease.

But, but maybe
my night job

at the slaughter house
will come through.

Find a way
to break our lease!

‐Find a way to break‐‐
‐Cousin! Stop it! Stop it!

‐Stop it!
‐Sorry, sorry.

[gasping]

May I make an observation?

I sense
a lot of tension here.

Now, now,
listen to me, cousin

your landlord look
like a nice man.

He look like if you
explain yourself to him

he’ll understand.

Just go to him
and tell him the truth.

Well, you know...

...that might just be
crazy enough to work.

Well, what have we got to lose?

Yeah, I’ll, I’ll go down
and talk to Mr. Dexter

and‐and tell him the truth!

I‐I haven’t tried that.

Maybe he’ll feel sorry for me.

I know I do.

Well, feed me nails
and call me Rusty.

He’s going
to tell the truth.

Oh, Balki, Mr. Dexter will
never let us out of the lease.

We have to help him.
I have a plan!

Oh, God!

[instrumental music]

Come on, Balki. Larry should be
with Mr. Dexter by now.

I just figured out
what you want to do.

You want to call Mr. Dexter
and pretend that we are people

who want to rent the apartment
for more money.

‐That’s right.
‐That is dishonest.

I’m not going
to let you do that.

Alright, fine, Balki.

‐We’ll, we’ll do it your way.
‐Good.

I’ll call Mr. Dexter
and tell him the truth.

Good.

He won’t let us
out of the lease.

It’ll take every dime
we have to pay for the rent

but eventually
we’ll run out of dimes.

We’ll be living on the street.

[gasps]
Oh, look! Look!

Balki, who’s that?

Who’s that digging through
the trash for food?

Mrs. Schlegelmilch?

It’s Cousin Larry.

[gasps]
Oh, and who’s that
pathetic little creature

in rags next to him?

Me?

It’s Cousin Jennifer.

They’re hungry.

Oh, sure, every once
in a while you’ll come by

our little cardboard box
and give us some food.

But one day
you’ll come by and...

...we won’t be there.

Why not?

We’ll be dead.

[crying]

But, hey, the important thing is
you didn’t have to lie.

No, Cousin Jennifer,
I don’t want you to be dead.

We have to be dead.
We’re dead! We’re dead!

I don’t want you to be dead!
I don’t want you to be dead!

Fine. Make the call.

[gasps]

Oh, you’re good.

[clears throat]

‐Hello, Mr. Dexter. This is‐‐
‐No, Balki! Stop!

‐Disguise your voice.
‐What?

Well, pretend
you’re someone else.

‐Who?
‐Anybody! Just do it!

[breathing heavily]

This is Robin Leach...

...wishing you champagne wishes
and caviar dreams...

...from our exclusive
state‐of‐the‐art super villa

in fabulous
Puerta Vallarta!

Not long ago
I was in Chicago

that glittering jewel of steel
and glass quivering

on the edge
of fabulous Lake Michigan...

...and I happened to see
that adorable little house

you had for rent
on fabulous Elm Street.

That’s the one!

That gem of gingerbread

with its tempting turret
towering towards the twilight.

I happened to mention it
to Charles and Di

and the Prince and Princess
of Wales were wowed.

Chic Chuck and Divine Di
said I would be foolish

not to climb
on the Concord

and jet right back here
and take it!

What do you mean
it’s already been rented?

‐No!
‐No!

No! I’ve already
invited Liz and Joan

and Liza and Ivana
for a pull‐out‐all‐the‐stops

fabulous housewarming!

I need that house, Mr. Dexter.

Money is no object.

The‐the current tenant
is there with you?

Fabulous! It’s real‐life drama
at its best!

Mr. Dexter, if you can
get him to break

his lackluster lease

I’ll offer you
a hundred dollars more a month

than you’re getting now.

No? No? Did I say
a hundred dollars more a month

than you’re gettin’ now?

Small change

in the glittering world
of top real estate!

I’ll give you double
what you’re getting now!

No? Triple!

I’ll give you triple
what you’re getting now!

That’s almost
three times as much.

Mr. Dexter,
I need that house.

Call me when the house
becomes available.

My number?
My number is, uh, is...

Wha... My number is

five‐five‐five

four‐six‐nine‐three.

Will I repeat that?

Five‐five‐five‐four

six‐nine‐three‐zero.

No! No! No!

Go! Go! Go!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

I’m gonna k*ll you!
I’m give up.

Mr. Dexter, uh,
goodbye, Mr. Dexter

and remember to always reach
for your dreams in life and love

and you too will be a winner!

Thank you for joining us.
I’m Robin Leach.

[instrumental music]

‐Balki, where’s Jennifer?
‐She’s upstairs.

‐I gotta find her.
‐She’s upstairs.

‐I gotta talk to her.
‐She’s upstairs.

I gotta tell her
some great news!

Well, cousin, that don’t change
a thing. She’s still upstairs.

Now, why you don’t
tell me your news.

Alright, Balki, Balki, Balki

I just came
from Mr. Dexter’s office

and you’ll never
guess what happened.

Tell me, cousin.
Don’t keep me on suspenders.

Okay. You know, I went
to Mr. Dexter’s

to try to get him to let us
out of the lease.

‐Yeah.
‐Okay.

Alright, well, at first
he was pretty firm

he was gonna hold me to it.

B‐but then
I told him the truth!

Me, Larry Appleton!

And here’s the weird part

it worked!

The truth worked!

I don’t know how,
I don’t know why

but it worked!

‐Get out of the city!
‐Well, wait, wait, wait!

It gets better. Y‐you’ll never
guessed what happened.

Tell me, cousin, I never
could guess what happened.

And not in a million years
could I guess what happened.

You’d better tell me
what happened.

‐The phone rang.
‐No.

I could tell from Mr. Dexter’s
end of the conversation

that someone was interested
in renting our house.

And you’re not gonna
believe who it was.

Who?

Robin Leach.

‐No!
‐Yes!

‐No!
‐Yes. Robin Leach!

He wanted to rent the house
and he was willing to pay

more money
than we’re paying!

Well, that’s when
I saw my chance.

Oh, God.

Mr. Dexter was just about
to let me out of the lease

but I was too smart for him.

Please, cousin, don’t tell me
you were too smart for him.

I was way too smart for him.

When Mr. Dexter
wasn’t looking

I copied down
Robin Leach’s phone number.

I’m going to call him.
and sublet the house to him

for three times
what we’re paying.

We’ll make 200 percent profit
every month!

Cousin, there’s something
I think you should know.

Well, hold on,
because I gotta make this call.

Well, there’s something
I’ve got to tell you.

Balki, hold on.
Let me make this call.

Hello!

Pioli’s Pizza?

Why would Robin Leach
call and leave the number

for Pioli’s Pizza?

Well, cousin,
perhaps he’s smitten

with their spectacularly

succulent
Sicilian sausage pizza

with a delicioso deep‐dish
doughy crust!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Jennifer? Jennifer?

Larry! Larry, I’m glad
you’re home. I have great news.

So do I, you remember
we decided the only way

we could afford this house
was to rent a room?

Yes, I do.

Well, since you were going away
on a long flight

I decided to take
the responsibility on myself

I found us a roommate.

Well, Larry,
that’s very sweet

but I thought that since
you’ve been working overtime

I would take on
the responsibility

of finding a roommate

thereby reducing
your stress.

I found us a roommate.

Well, that’s very thoughtful

but I found
a perfect roommate.

Well, that’s very kind of you

but I found
the perfect roommate.

Come on down!

Mary Anne,
what are you doing here?

I’m gonna live here.

‐She’s gonna live here?
‐Yes.

Well, feed me bran
and call me regular.

I’m gonna live here, too!

[shrieking]

Well, there are
three bedrooms.

And we can split
the expenses.

And still have some money
left over for a few luxuries

like food and heat.

This is great! We’ll have
a big celebration dinner.

I hope you’re all hungry

because I made
a big batch of pig snout.

I’ve got it marinating
right now in orange Kool Aid.

Hey, is this gonna be
great or what?

Oh‐ho!

[instrumental music]

[sighs]
I’m gonna miss
this apartment, Balki.

We had a lot of good times here.

Yes, we did.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]