[Music] I'm sorry to move so many of you around
this morning but as you know yesterday the whole of Benidorm was alcohol free
for the Feast of sorenzo in precisely 30 seconds the ban will be lifted are there any questions
Miss Temple Savage I am the first one to say The British drink too much but there has only been a ban on alcohol for 24
hours I really do not think there is
such I'll be in my [Music]
office no joy right try this uh capital l o a d o f o l d capital S capital h
capital I capital T I don't think that's the Wi-Fi password why not because
you've just spelled out the words load of old oh oh I sorry that's a review for the Polish Italian I'm going
to have to bring the specs in tomorrow I can't believe you don't know your own Wi-Fi password well baby Jesus keeps
changing it apparently he's very security conscious for a 10-year-old whatever forget it do you
want to use my heart spot depends we still talking about the internet you
should be so lucky search for for Sam's phone the passwords benador spelled backwards bit
crypti but then again you don't want just any old Tom d*ck or Harry messing with your hot spot no I'd much rather
have a joey hey you'd already be checking your emails on your holidays man it's exam
results oh hey good luck thanks been eating
it good morning Kenneth morning Nev how's it going love hey I can of smile
wide enough oh you know what I'm fuming I couldn't get a drink anywhere last night cuz of St bloody Winford or whatever it was pain sa a bloody fruit
juice hey you don't need to tell me about it you know I was in bed by half past 11:00 and I suddenly realized I've forgotten how to fall asleep I cuz I've
heard you usually just crash out on a sun lounger about 5:00 a.m. straight from Cafe B exactly NE I'm a creature of
habit hey could you not just have a drink at home drink at home what you think I am an alcoholic oh well I
suppose it means I'll be in W before Le for once hey know he's in blown go already you got a few clients and all oh
never what you're talking about we're not open for another hour hey see for [Music]
yourself I've learned a lot from I know it's [Music]
just G through that Journey I've come out the other side and I feel so much
stronger because
well thanks girls see you Tuesday for shampoo
inste thanks hey ne brotherson how was the exam results
unbelievable Champion hey it's a good job the bars is up and again you're going to want a drink yeah we want in
several as will me mom and dad when they find out
you managed to see our jod on that video calling thing no Wi-Fi is not working typical and there's been no movement on
the mushrooms on the what first day here I filled out a complaint card about the
mushrooms did you oh yes what's wrong with them I told you the other day they're tinned oh yeah that explains why
I haven't been sleeping oh well no more crappy three star all this for us next year with our
jod earning what do you mean by that well I mean once she's paid her school
fees for the year the rest is you know the rest is what no uh no what I mean is
what if jod wants to go somewhere else next year she'll go where we go on holiday she's
nine morning I know what you're getting at
would you ask our Rob to pay for us to go on a fancy holiday just cuz he's going to have a good job when he starts
[Music] work morning to you and all what were
all that about no idea what is she she knows we've called
a family meeting she's probably having a sleep in she is on her holidays well the
when in the middle of a family crisis we need to talk about Malcolm I'm sure I've
seen something on T call that that was
Kevin who's Kevin we need to talk about Kevin I thought you wanted to talk about
Malcolm who's Kevin how many boyfriends has Bing got no that's probably what you
saw on the Telly we need to talk about Kevin they were a film about a lad who
k*lled all his school friends well what about Malcolm where hasn't k*lled anyone not
yet anyway no in the middle in the middle of what malcol in the middle
that's the thing I saw wrong Deli oh for God's sake mother you are frying me
brain I've only just got your text if this is about
Malcolm I know he didn't get on his plane he's gone out to find smoked salmon for my
breakfast smoked salmon is he off he not em must be we couldn't even get brown
sauce first two years we were here no what I mean is after last night why
hasn't he gone home why does he think you're even talking to
him right emergency family meeting called at
0922 this is how a relationship works we have our good days and we have our bad
days what about all the things you said yesterday that was yesterday you don't understand
Pauline you're being manipulated Malcolm's controlling your life control
in your mind ah yes Jeff morby that world-renowned judge of character remind
me how is Janella your gold digging ex-girlfriend we're just looking after
your interests believe me Malcolm's not the person he's claiming to be he's not keeving is it
who's Kevin just somebody our Jeff wanted to talk about success still
frozen but 10 minutes in this son and Bob's your uncle now to try and get this hotel to poach an
egg easy on the grains poor Le remember what we said about refined
carbohydrates good girl ah
steward it's such a terribly sad life story you
could tell how much it's affected Liam may as well b*llet at school terrible
home life and a terrible mother how on Earth was she a prost*tute all those years
without any of the family knowing unbelievable I don't know how the husband coped the bit that really got me
though was a long lost sister can you believe it finding out you always had a sister yeah and then when you finally
meet her she tells you she's got two weeks to live and ends up dying in her
brother's arms oh don't you'll set me off again come on hassy let's go to the
indoor market the tea here is terrible in it
[Music]
okay
well it all looks very impressive but as I said when you first sat down I'm not looking for a holiday home thank you Mr
I'm sorry I forget your name Monty Monty where have I heard that name before you're not staying at the salon or are
you the salana good grief no of how my dog in better accommodation and the
clientele there or uh how can I put this kindly uh financially challenged and if
you weren't being so kind basically peasants no I prefer to see my
prospective clients in hotels such as this and when I show them what I have on
offer they tend to go all the way that's where I've heard that name before when I
was a child my brother had a snake call Monty oh how very Charming no it wasn't
horrible small slippery slimy thing it was tried to get into all sorts of tight
spaces where it wasn't welcome tight spaces I should be so lucky and so would
you I imagine well I won't keep you any longer
Monte better luck next time
[Music] [Applause] hello
there you are just been upstairs looking for you are we open or already I was just about to come over no be able don't
give a toss about that it's Liam what's Liam or is it lunch time already I'll
have one of them foot long hot dogs no it's still early will you to just listen to me I've always wondered why he's a
bit odd but oh God you're not going to bloody believe this let me go and get some drinks oh no no no it's all right
I'll go I need a bacon buty as well before breakfast
closes and I said to Graham experiencing a synchronistic moment that unlocks
something which was hidden within you is like a naked man trying to light a fire in the rain completely
matchless welcome we like to talk about last night Jeff mate no need to
apologize I realized a long time ago a grudge is an investment with zero return
I forgive you you forgive me would anybody like a drink well you sound
surprised Jeff although it has to be said Contrition seems to be a rare commodity these days excuse me love how
long ago did you get that bacon oh not long since they had plenty have they run
out I knew it they're always doing this I'm sure they take it back and sell it to Norris in the indoor market funny how
he only does bacon rolls after half 10 wouldn't mind he's only got a mobile phone
shop bloody H Dennis oh my
God it's Kenneth rock sh*ts
leads 1986 sorry you must be mistaken never
been to leads and my name's Malcolm oh my God how embarrassing I mean not you
being named Malcolm I mean oh I'm sorry and do you know when you just look at someone from one ey angle oh I'm really
really sorry not a problem mind you my friend Dennis was a loer so it is a bit of a compliment greatly accepted cheers
sorry Norine have you ever had a lime Splash well sometimes we treat ourselves
to a lemon toilet duck when it's on special offer don't we son now a lime
Splash it's a non-alcoholic cocktail now if we can persuade your ban to rustle up a fresh lime a handful of mint and a
spoonful of brown sugar I will with your permission blow your mind don't let the salmon go to waste
orene I'm going to sort this right
now so you don't have fresh mint or lime what kind of bar is this my friend even
the straws are not fresh we clean them under the T and put them back into the box welcome to
benador well I have 50 here that says you can find fresh mint and limes and
brown sugar oh and fresh straws wait
there would you cover the bath for me please 10 minutes what's it worth 5 Jos 10
don't I know what you do well that's a bit holiday bribery I'm not exactly Bernie maid off no I'm
talking about our paie the way you treat her when you try and control
her try to control her that's uh that's some accusation Jeff you came here
uninvited and after everything she said to you last night you're still hanging around like a bad
smell your flight wasn't cancelled you're staying here to control my sister
and I'm not going to let that happen there's that word again control control do you mean the same way that
you control your stepmother huh a bank account her pension her house don't what
he's talking about so you haven't taken charge of all her savings you don't have her pension transferred into your account every fortnite you haven't put
her house in your name how do you know about that I mean what's it got to do with
you you don't understand she asked me to do that she knows all about it
control you're controlling her finances and in turn controlling her life it's
not true paulen your sister I beg your pardon your step sister no actual
relation no legal obligation is a recovering alcoholic not only am I her
fiance I'm also her sponsor she needs me now yes we have our quarrels the
occasional contant which results in her saying things in the Heat of the Moment but I do not control her finances I I do
not control her property and I certainly do not control
her you bring the drinks over when they're
ready just a beer please coming [Music]
up who is it he's on the phone too Sharon my dad walked over from the hotel
stopped halfway and got a phone call he's still why do you think I know more about the phone call than you he your dad yes that
makes me son he doesn't make me telepathic he doesn't look happy that's
hardly a clue he never does morning Mom morning hey did you catch anything when
you walk past Eddie like what nits no did you catch any of his conversation no
I've heard at his conversations before I'd rather put a drill to me
head you're all right Dad dad ah soon not bad do you want a bed have our robs
no soon I I'll be all right in this chair do you want a drink Eddie no not
for me thanks love oh for Christ's sake Eddie talk
about the elephant in the room and I'm not talking about the size of you mom well he's got to face a whole tube of
preparation it couldn't sort out what is it it's a cream you put up
your ass when you got hemorrhoids I'm not talking to you Dad what's wrong it's
Ron Ron pford what about him is he all
right he [Music]
dead it's later than you think enjoy
yourself while you're still in the P the years go by
[Music] as
nice I don't suppose there's any jobs going to your dad's place you what any jobs your dad's firm not for
you I'm strong with me well no I just if there are it just be casual laboring
yeah that's what I'm interested in really You' move down south to carry bricks I just want to start living me
life can make a few inquiries nice one
cheers you were always there for me and run
always when I got expelled from school we were there when I got laid off at pit
he were there when I'm man he packed your bags and left me he were there
when I fell off our roof and brought both legs looking for Channel 5 you were there I don't know about a best mate
this from pford sounds like a bloody Jinx theetta man for's sake the Man's dead yeah well maybe now Ed his look
will star him proving for a change I wouldn't expect you to understand
Loretta there's a bond between two best mates that no woman could ever fully comprehend Char me I've seen broke Back
Mountain not all the way through I turned it over to Saturday Night Takeaway when they started boming in the
tent but I got the gist you disgust me the feeling's pretty Mutual Edie believe
me I'm mourning the loss of my best friend and you were talking about two
men booming in a tent shame on you
Dad
Dad come in whoever is I hope you brought a couple of big Lads with you
I'll beg your pardon oh Monty it's you I'm sorry I've just fired off a global
yeah it's always tricky in a room with no windows would you like me to leave the door open oh no no no no I come in I
sent out a global an email asking if somebody could bring me a couple of strong boys really I could come back
goodness sake sit down I'm changing my desk and some office furniture it's all been in a basement for
weeks how are you well not bad almost recovered from Barcelona have we haven't
mentioned Barcelona to anyone of course I haven't as I told you I can't guarantee
that nobody saw me crawling out of your room the next morning my back was destroyed that night I'm sorry you had
to sleep on the floor Monty I'm all for a kissed in a cuddle but I can't share a bed unless I have
some kind of commitment I drove 300 M from Benidorm I would have thought that showed a modicum of enthusiasm you know
what I'm saying Joy I don't know what you want we've been seeing each other on and off for well over a year now exactly
on and off I'm not Circle as well oh no I don't think they do or else they
wouldn't be very Anonymous would they if they could all say each other I don't think Liam's an alcoholic we'd know no
the best one's the ones you can't tell yeah I know what you mean Sam but I'm not sure I describe functioning alcoholics as the best ones mind you now
you mention it he has just changed to a coconut shampoo do you think that's to hide the smell of Malibu hang on hang on
I thought you heard them talking about Liam's life story yeah I did would it be enough to drive anyone
to drink poor Liam well I'm giving him the rest of the week off hang on a minute you can't do
that what about me what happened to Paul Liam yeah what happened to poor Liam oh what's happened to him now look Liam is
obviously coping very well with his past and I just think we need to all
right what's going on nothing nothing uh any look at the cash and carry no they
said they didn't have any left-handed Combs and they've never heard of Sky hooks oh never mind I'll send them from the UK when I get back hang on a minute
left-handed Combs but we're all right-handed are we taking on new stuff oh you must be uh Jacob 11:00 yeah
hi Jacob come and sit down oh no yeah I'll do Jacob for you it's okay I was expecting him over here Jacob let's give
them lovely locks a little rinse for you no no no you have a sit down Liam I don't want to sit down I'm going to make
your lovely cup of tea and later on I'm going to buy you lunch in the indoor market fat Lenny's got lamb shanks on
today I brought a sandwich in from home and I'm going to get you a magazine
Italian Vogue no you w take a break bre oh God this air is in lovely condition
Jacob was it Liam who did you before yes it was me that did Jacob before oh he's done a lovely job I always say you won't
get a better cut than our Liam makes Vel sass look like Fred
[Music] dner careful careful not too fast not
too fast we have taken 1 hour to get you here why did you not use a wheelchair because I'm not an it t be careful if
you had come here in the first place and was not making Jiggy Jiggy into your office none of this would have happened Jiggy Jiggy how dare you oh it's locked
again my back my back is locked again I do not you think you're doing well it is up
to you would you want to be getting your new furniture today or not what your office I the furniture for God you shut
up would you be getting it today or not stay teasing I very much doubt it oh the
office furnisher yes yes just get on with it okay and remember if you need anything at all don't call me call a
doctor s oh God give me
[Music]
strength [Music] can't just sit here Morin sorry that
came out wrong you can do what you like obviously what I mean is would he want
you to sit here depressed on your holidays Ron pford hang on a
minute he didn't have a daughter did he uh Victoria Vicky Pigford he had nobody
Vicky Pigford bloody L I didn't learn much at
school but Vicki pford taught me a thing or two very Advanced for a years Vicki and I don't mean in her school work
unless you count biology I'll never forget one Christmas just before my 15th birthday me and
Vicki were in her dad's garage at in's car and we start the engine to keep warm
not that we weren't making our own efforts in that department anyway Vicki's in the driving seat in in in
more ways than one and she starts dragging me over onto her side of the car well I must have nudged the car into
gear with me knee or anyway Vicki's dad comes bursting into the garage screaming blue m*rder Vicki's foot goes down on
the accelerator and shunts the car forward smashing right through the garage dumping the front of their Vox on
no into a dad's koi car pond Meanwhile my passenger door has jammed and I've
had to scramble out the window like Jukes of acid Vicky's dad he started to Chas me
but he didn't stand a chance he was a right Fat Bastard Mr
[Laughter]
Pikman sorry did he say he had a daughter or not no
family no friends well just me he d*ed
three days ago Council cremated him today in an empty
church I forgot to charge me in Mobile you fy a walk along the
front ah I wouldn't that to be
nice right Pauline and I are going to go on a walk to have our quiet time so both
our phones will be switched off do you actually want to go for the walk ping as
tempting as it is to sit here listening to you farting and complaining about the quality of the daytime snacks I think a
bracing walk along the coastal road to Al is just what the doctor ordered good girl though who needs a doctor when
you've got me to take care of you quite right best foot forward
AO mother if you do need me for any reason Pauline quiet
time come on unbelievable what is she seems happy
enough happy the man's a lunatic why because he wanted to go for a quiet walk
no because he's controlling our paing like a puppet on a string oh I used to
love justce Springfield what like a puppet on the
string that was Sunday show no son I think you'll find it was Dusty
Springfield puppet on the string Sandy Shaw your Division Song Contest winner
1967 why will you never be told
when you say Malcolm controls Pauline what exactly do you mean by that
I mean he's someone who's passive aggressive won't allow others to think for themselves but ever telling people
that they're wrong because they're always claiming to be right sounds
[Music] familiar nothing more exciting than laboring
no all right I'll ask him and he can think about it oh hang on he just said labor and be okay great thanks Dad oh
Dad can you um pick us up on Wednesday from Luton you're star my hero right see
you love you Dad Oho it amazing thank you so much
thank me after your first week's work you still live up north don't you rob yeah so you're going to like relocate
that's a long way way to go home for me dinner why you come to live with me you got spare room yeah manam ladies and
Gentlemen The Three Musketeers are together at l oh I'll drink to that yes
cheers hi boys
Joey I don't like taking sides but you were out of order out of order me how
was I out of order I've never bloody ear of Ron pford I didn't know what he was talking talking about I'm not going to
go on about it you don't have to tell me how much Eddie whes people up but the man is mourning he's always bloody
mourning morning not mour so you'll apologize then to who who
do you think well not Ron pford he's dead m'am you're doing it on purpose now he's absolutely loving this everybody
feeling sorry for poor little Eddie you watch you won't be able to scratch your
left tit without him mentioning Ron pford is that you left tit you
scratching oh R pick for Dad tits m' what are you reading is that a paper ROM
pick for you to read the paper leave it now oh I just met a man called John that
rhymes with Ron did I mention my friend John PF we d*ed you know right stop it
now what's going on nothing nothing's going on
listen ma'am I'm leaving
University what do you mean you're leaving University I'm leaving University because I hate it and I'm no
good at it Tiger's dad's offered me a job doing what laboring on a building
site you don't go to university to get a job laboring on a building site exactly that's why I'm leaving University you
just went to your father ears about this what's he going to do what are you going to do it's my life and I'm going to live
it exactly the way I want to the way I'm living it right now I may as well be
dead don't you [Music]
dare the way I feel tonight oh yeah yeah
yeah yeah [Music] two lemonade two orange juice thank you hey
where's my 50 Jos for the fresh me today I don't think so you said 50 Jos no
problem I'll uh give the 50 to your boss and tell her that you've been charging people for drinks in an allinclusive
Hotel okay forget it just forget it hello again goodbye hang on a minute
I just wanted to apologize for earlier today that's not a problem easy mistake to make yeah very easy cuz you look exactly
like Dennis Walker my first shag Charmed I'm sure no I mean exactly like him
might be 30 years but you never forget your first do you well if you excuse me I'll get back to my
family we met in a nightclub called Rock sh*ts in leads Dennis was a few years
older than mayor took me back to his place and we had an unforgettable night
then in the morning still drunk we both went and got tattoos together that's a Charming story but as
you heard earlier my name is Malcolm not Dennis I have never been to leads I have no tattoos I am not and never have been
a practicing h*m* but of course the memory of a drunken one night stand 30 years ago
clearly eclipses all of those cast iron
facts well [Music] sorry I could have sworn
that sorry
unbelievable everything okay no I've just made a complete anot aicad
of myself Only the
Lonely yeah oh God Grandad's Brandy
[Music] sorry I got a bit more information from Council Council yeah about Ron pigford's
death oh right here we go again shut up he d*ed of an asthma att*ck he found
him at bmary stairs ly hell I know I knew his neighbors are complained about
him running up and down him for hours on end right
sorry why was he doing that he would in training for Bradford half
marathon she go and sit in that other bar it's quieter in there no son I'd be
better off in a livelier place here you go Grandad you sure you don't want one
Nana cuz I'm sitting down now I'm fine son right brain of Britain let's put
this to bed now no way are you jacking in University to go and work on a building Insight in bloody London it's
my decision and it's not London it's Watford why would anybody want to live in Watford you work so hard to get into
University love you're k*lling your career prospects Stone dead my career prospects are dead believe me dead and
buried how are they dead and buried doesn't matter I just want to live a life a real life in the real world on a
building sight in Watford why not at least I wouldn't be stuck in a sweaty lecture room suffocating fighting for
breath you've only got got out of 2 years to go Dad life is a marathon not a Sprint actually I will have that drink
hour Robert oh for God's sake what did I say up and down up and down up and down are you trying to k*ll
me Dad what's wrong with him didn't you
here Ron pford dead who's Ron [Music]
pford I'm sorry Willam you're having the rest of the week off and that is final are you sure and you're going to need
some time off because we've all chipped in and bought you a spar day at that Posh wellness clinic in alia what's all
this for just because we love you a I don't know what to say okay another
round of coca-colas yes that's right thank you [Music]
Mata why are we all drinking Coke I ask for Malibu we don't need to have alcohol
have a good time Liam we know everything what you mean
this morning I accidentally overheard your life story oh Liam love you know
I'm not one to goss it we all care about you so much my life story yeah and as
you know from your little early morning self-help group at blow and go early morning self-help group yeah and blow
and go yeah oh dear I think you got the wrong end of the stick
[Music] don't worry mate you're doing the right thing I am aren't I definitely neither
of us went to University and the car and you've definitely got a spare
room I can rent a spare room no mate I ain't got a spare room you said you did
earlier today I asked you if you've got a spare room and you said yes oh sorry
bro bro I thought you said some spare room some spare room yeah I got some spare room in my box Room box room M
why' you keep repeating everything he says if you got a box room where is the spare room kind of the space above the
bed so apart from learning to levitate I'd be sharing a bed with you
yeah I suppose but I'm cool with that I just got to ring my mom why do you have to ring your mom it's only play it's her
house isn't it no it makes total sense I live here with
you rent out my beach front the pop and the money from that alone means I don't have to work we don't have to work well
I mean obviously you have to work to let us have this place here but what I mean is oh God don't fall for it love he's
been through half the women at the Bell Toro this morning sorry oh God no not you we're trying to have a private
conversation here do you know this woman no me he slammed around me this morning in over breakfast breakfast I'm
surprised you've let him in here after the things he said about this hotel what did he say do you mind leaving us alone
he said he wouldn't kenel his dog in here and the people who stay here are peasants what I meant by that then he
offered to show me what he had and asked me if I go all the way ouch get out of my hotel get get
out oh no
[Music]
a book club yeah a fraking book club yes and half past 8 in the morning best part
of the day how would you know you're always in bed at that time that's what a mean so we've all been running around
like blue ass flies after you and all along those two old bites were talking about a bloody character in a book what
we take this P for a start I'm G what we going to do me week off oh no no I'm sorry Liam I'm going to have to withdraw
that week off oh brilliant thanks sounds a fabulous book though oh that man
character go through some stuff don't oh it's amazing it's ages since I lost
myself in a novel like this Donald was once a main character in a book oh
really what kind of book popup it was withdrawn from circulation in the end if
you open it too quickly almost add your ey out Oho was that reception oh I Nev
listen love I was wondering if you could do a little favor for [Music]
me to Malcolm and Pauline Malcolm and
Pauline I'm sorry I still don't know how we've gone from last night to this you've uh never
been in a committed relationship have you Jeff yes I have actually I mean one that you could time with a calendar as
opposed to a stopwatch he had a girlfriend here you rubella
yella it would appear I owe you an apology Jeff it met her on the
internet you saw her for a good two or three days didn't you ah apology
retracted listen to me know you listen to me it's quite clear this family lacks
a figurehead now I like you Jeff really I do but you're not a born leader you're
a follower an auxiliary an aid to Camp if you will but I feel in time as we
become more comfortable with one another as a family with patience and faith we
can be as one one life one love all right Bob Marley
before you get too carried away I think we should hear what our paing has to say about all
[Music] this relationships are difficult yeah
and yesterday I was in a bad place but
today today I see things more clearly good girl will you stop interrupting
her Malcolm I need someone to help me with
not only my sobriety but my overall well-being I need someone I can rely on
I need someone I can respect but above all I need someone I
trust and I've decided after much thought that
person is you
Pauline come here come
on and daughter clubs you getting using my name you think you hang on a minute
oh Christ what do you want now I never said it was a one night stand what when I told you I thought you were Dennis
Walker from Leeds I told you Dennis was my first shag I didn't say it was a one night stand how did you know that if
you're not Dennis Walker I refuse to dignify this ludicrous accusation with an answer why not cuz the man is clearly
deranged I mean look how he's dressed I think you look smashing thank you you're welcome Pauline I think we you a little
Qui quiet time all right if you're not Dennis
Walker from Leeds my first Jag from 30 years ago you want to have a tattoo like this on your
bum oh but with Kenneth across it Pauline we're leaving this is
preposterous no you're not I take your C down I beg your pardon you ear him you really are I'll come bar and show us
your ass way he can prove that you're not M I'm sorry are you just going to stand there and let these people behave like animals more drinks anyone
tonight's special cocktail is a Mojito as we have so much fresh mint we can settle this very easily you say his name
is Dennis Walker he says he's Malcolm Barrett go and get your passport this is pure fast go and get your passport
actually love there's no need Neville did you get a copy of this gentleman's passport from reception like I asked I I
did kth the name of the passport is Malcolm Barrett thank you now can we please get on with our evening but
people can change their names sens above look mistaken identi it is one thing but now you are becoming a menace just walk
away and leave us in peace you've made a mistake love just go
and sit down stay right where you are I'm sorry apology accepted I'm not
talking to you you can change your name can't I change where you're
born name Malcolm ballot place of
birth leads West yorshire him somebody call the police get help
me Christ on
now Dennis you mean get off get off
me Pauline I can explain everything you're nothing but a
fake a complete fake Pauline think about it who do you believe
them me sorry pal this fell out of your
pocket while we were pulling your CS down pretty strong stuff for the tea
[Music] Toler get out of this
hotel get out of this country and get out of my [Music]
life [Music]
I told you I never forget a face especially one of [Music]
Saturn well what do we do now
we go on mother what we do we go
on baby you should go and love yourself and if you think that I'm still
holding on to something you should go and love
[Music] yourself next the ITV News at 10 with
Tom bradby then next on itbb in all new the only ways s Pete Megan split
continues to cause more drama and Anon DEA back without judges bringing you all the latest brilliant and bizarre
auditions it's Britain's Got Talent Saturday at [Music]
8 I'm sorry to move so many of you around this morning but as you know yesterday the whole of Benidorm was
alcohol free for the Feast of San Lorenzo in precisely 30 seconds the ban
will be lifted are there any questions Miss Temple Savage I am the first one to say The British drink too much but there
has only been a ban on alcohol for 24 hours I really do not think there is
such I'll be in my [Music]
office [Music]
[Applause] no joy right try this uh capital l o a d
o f o l d capital S capital h capital I
capital T I don't think that's the Wi-Fi password why not because you've just spelled out the words load of old
oh oh I sorry that's a review for the Polish Italian I'm gonna have to bring the specs in tomorrow I can't believe
you don't know your own Wi-Fi password well baby Jesus keeps changing it apparently he's very security conscious
for a 10-year-old whatever forget it do you want to use my hot spot depends we still
talking about the internet you should be so lucky search for Sam's phone the passwords benador spelled backwards bit
cryptic but then again you don't want just any old Tom d*ck or Harry messing with your hot spot no I'd much rather
have a joey hey you don't want be checking your emails on your holidays man it's exam
results oh hey good luck thanks I've been eating
it good morning Kenneth morning Nev how's it going love hey I can of smile
wide enough oh do you know what I'm fuming I couldn't get a drink anywhere last night cuz i s bloody Winford or whever it was pain and S a bloody fruit
juice hey you don't need to tell me about it you know I was in bed by half past 11: and I suddenly realize I forgotten how to fall asleep I cuz I've
heard you usually just crash out on a sun lounger about 5:00 a.m. straight from Cafe B exactly NE I'm a creature of
habit hey could you not just have a drink at home drink at home what you think I am an alcoholic oh well I suppose it means
I'll be in work before L for once hey no he's in blown go already you got a few clients and all never what you're
talking about we're not open for another hour hey see for [Music]
yourself punches I've learned a lot I know
[Music]
it's I've gone through that Journey I've come out the other side and I feel so
much
stronger thanks girls see you Tuesday for a oon
set thanks hey NE brother how was the exam results
unbelievable Champion hey it's a good job the bars is up and again you're going to want a drink yeah we want in
several as will me mom and dad when they find
out you manag to see our jod on that video calling thing no Wi-Fi is not working typical and there's been no
movement on the mushrooms on the what first day here I filled out a complaint card about the
mushrooms did you oh yes what's wrong with them I told you the other day they're tinned oh yeah that explains why
I haven't been sleeping oh well no more crappy three star alies for us next year with our jod
earning what do you mean by that well I mean once she's paid her school fees for
the year the rest is you know the rest is what
no uh no what I mean is what if jod wants to go somewhere else next year she'll go where we go on holiday she's
nine morning I know what you're getting at
would you ask our Rob to pay for us to go in a fancy holiday just cuz he's going to have a good job when he starts
[Music] work morning to you and all what wrong
with that about no idea what is she she knows we've called
a family meeting she's probably having a sleep in she is on her holidays well
look we're in the middle of a family crisis we need to talk about Malcolm I'm
sure I've seen something on T call that that was
Kevin who's Kevin we need to talk about Kevin I thought you wanted to talk about
Malcolm who's Kevin how many boyfriends has falling got no that's probably what
you saw on the Telly we need to talk about Kevin it was a film about a lad
who k*lled all his school friends well what about Malcolm well he hasn't k*lled anyone not
yet anyway no in the middle in the middle of w*r malcol in the middle
that's the thing I saw on Deli for God's sake mother you are frying me
brain I've only just got your text if this is about
Malcolm I know he didn't get on his plane he's gone out to find smoked salmon for my
breakfast smok salmon is he off his nut it must be we couldn't even get brown
sauce first two years we were here no what I mean is after last night why
hasn't he gone home why does he think you're even talking to
him right emergency family meeting called at
0922 this is how a relationship works we have our good days and we have our bad
days what about all the things you said yesterday that was yesterday you don't
understand Pauline you're being manipulated Malcolm's controlling your life he's
controlling your mind oh yeah yes Jeff Mort be that world-renowned judge of character remind me how is yella your
gold digging ex-girlfriend we're just looking after your interests believe
me Malcolm's not the person he's claiming to be he's not Kevin is he
who's Kevin just somebody R Jeff wanted to talk about success still frozen but
10 minutes in this sun and Bob's your uncle now to try and get this tell to poach an
egg easy on the grains po remember what we said about refined
carbohydrates good girl ah
Steward it's such a terribly sad life story you could tell how much it's affected Liam may as well b*llet at
school terrible home life and a terrible mother how on Earth was
she a prost*tute all those years without any of the family knowing unbelievable I
don't know how the husband coped the bit that really got me though was a long lost sister can you believe it finding
out you always had a sister yeah and then when you finally meet her she tells
you she's got two weeks to live and ends up dying in her brother's arms oh don't
you'll set me off again come on Hy let's go to the indoor market the tea here is terrible is it
[Music]
[Music]
okay well it all looks very impressive impressive but as I said when you first sat down I'm not looking for a holiday
home thank you Mr I'm sorry I forget your name Monty Monty where have I heard
that name before you're not staying at the salana or are you the salana good grief no of how's my Dogg in better
accommodation and the clientele there are uh how can I put this kindly uh
financially challenged and if you weren't being so kind well basically peasants now I prefer to see my
prospective clients in hotels such as this and when I show them what I have on
offer they tend to go all the way that's where I've heard that name before when I
was a child my brother had a snake called Monte oh very Charming no it wasn't
horrible small slippery slimy thing it was tried to get into all sorts of tight
spaces where it wasn't welcome tight spaces I should be so lucky and so would
you I imagine well I won't keep you any longer adios
Monte better luck next time
[Music] [Applause] [Music]
hello there you are just been upstairs looking for you are we open already I was just about to come over he be a
don't give a TOS about that it's lame what's lame or is it lunch time already
I'll have one of them foot long hot dogs no it's still early will you to just listen to me I've always wondered why
he's a bit odd but oh God you're not going to bloody believe this let me go and get some drinks no no no it's all
right I'll go I need a bacon byy as well before breakfast
closes and I said to Graham experiencing a synchronistic moment that unlocks
something which was hidden within you is like a naked man trying to light a fire in the rain completely
matchless welcome we like to talk about last night Jeff mate no need to
apologize I realized a long time ago a grudge is an investment with zero return
I forgive you you forgive me would anybody like a drink well you sound
surprised Jeff although it has to be said Contrition seems to be a rare commodity these days excuse me love how
long ago did you get that bacon oh not long since they had plenty have they run
out I knew it they're always doing this I'm sure they take it back and sell it to Norris in the indoor market funny how
he only does bacon rolls after half 10 wouldn't mind he's only got a mobile phone
shop bloody L Dennis oh my
God it's Kenneth rock sh*ts Le
leads 1986 sorry you must be mistaken never
been to leads and my name's Malcolm oh my God how embarrassing I mean not you
being named Malcolm I mean oh I'm sorry and do you know when you just look at someone from one angle oh I'm really
really sorry not a problem mind you my friend Dennis was a loer so it is a bit of a compliment greatly accepted cheers
sorry Norine have you ever had a line Splash
well sometimes we treat ourselves to a lemon toilet duck when it's on special
offer don't we son now a lime Splash it's a non-alcoholic cocktail now if we can persuade your Barman to rustle up a
fresh lime a handful of mint and a spoonful of brown sugar I will with your permission blow your
mind don't let the salmon go to waste
oene I'm going to sell this right
now so you don't have fresh mint or limes what kind of bar is this my friend
even the straws are not fresh we clean them under the TB and put them back into the box welcome to
benador well I have €50 here that says you can find fresh mint and limes and
brown sugar oh and fresh straws wait
there would you cover the bath for me please 10 minutes what's it worth iOS 10
da I know what you're doing well it's a bit holiday bribery I'm not exactly Burnie maid off no I'm talking about our
paie the way you treat her when you try and control her try to control her that's uh that's
some accusation Jeff you came here uninvited and after everything she said to you last night you still hanging
around like a bad smell your flight wasn't cancelled you're staying here to control my sister
and I'm not going to let that happen there's that word again control do you mean the same way that
you control your stepmother H her bank account her pension her house don't what
he's talking about so you haven't taken charge of all her savings you don't have her pension transferred into your account every fortnite you haven't put
her house in your name how do you know about that I mean what's he got to do with
you you don't understand she asked me to do that she knows all about it
control you're controlling her finances and in turn controlling her life it's
not true Pauline your sister I beg your pardon your step sister no actual
relation no legal obligation is a recovering alcoholic not only am I her
fiance I'm also her sponsor she needs me now yes we have our quarrels the
occasional conton which results in her saying things in the Heat of the Moment but I do not control her finances I do
not control her property and I certainly do not control
her you bring the drinks over when they're
ready just a be please coming [Music]
up who is it he's on the phone too Sharon my dad walked over from the hotel
stopped halfway and got a phone call he's still there why do you think I know more about the phone call than you he your dad yes that makes me son he
doesn't make me telepathic he doesn't look happy that's hardly a clue he never does morning Mom
morning hey did you catch anything when you walk past Eddie like what nits no
did you catch any of his conversation no I've heard Ed his conversations before I'd rather put a drill to me
Ed you all right Dad I one not bad do you want a bed have our robs no soon I
I'll be all right in this chair do you want a drink Eddie no not for me s
love oh for Christ's sake Edie talk about the elephant in the room and I'm not talking about the size of you mom
well he's got to place a whole tube of Preparation H couldn't sort
out what is it it's a cream you put up your ass when you've got hemorrhoids I'm not talking to you Dad what's
wrong it's Ron Ron Pigford what about him is he all right
he [Music]
dead is later than you think enjoy
yourself while you're still in the P the years go by as quickly as you WI
en guys I don't suppose there's any jobs
going to your dad's place you what any jobs your dad's firm not for
you how strong with me well no I just if there are it just be casual laboring
yeah that's what I'm interested in really you to move down south to carry bricks I just want to start living me
life can make a few inquiries ni one
cheers they were always there for me run
always when I got expelled from school he were there when I got laid off at pit
he were there when I Mar he packed your bags and left me he were
here when I fell off our roof and broke both legs looking for Channel 5 you were
there I don't know about a best
09x08 - Terrible Exam Results
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Series follows holidaymakers who spend a week at the Solana Resort Benidorm, Spain.
Series follows holidaymakers who spend a week at the Solana Resort Benidorm, Spain.