mr. Begley your luncheon appointment
with your wife I hadn't forgotten are
you able to decipher this drivel sweetie
what is it mr. Bevins handwritten we'll
try and type out a translation a fine
there's a good girl oh hey you're taking
in logic yes well you can be my landlady
any time do you mind not if you die well
I do work here longer than I have miss
gostrey would you mind telling me
something
what is it considered frightfully
unprofessional to throw up in mr.
bagless face big your partner never mind
oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear
oh dear what it doesn't see moving much
a success
mr. Bevins marriage he's left fifty
pound to his wife and the bulk of his
estate to his parrot it was a lucky
prolly you're gonna be rich you're gonna
be rich
I am really not interested mrs. hatten
will you please leave me in peace with
my word processing and get back to your
typing all right all right I could do
without the superior sniff big button
look I don't mind your posh computer
giving my tat a little typewriter a
superior sniff but I see no reason why
you should give me one unless of course
you're a duchess with a runny nose I
think not oh don't tell me the miracle
machine won't even make you a sandwich
not even a microchip bossy you're
obviously not in the least interested in
computers mrs. heaven no no I'm not in
fact I'd like to give whoever invented
them a hefty kick in the software spoken
like a true computer illiterate
Mr Bagley
what do you think you're doing
there's Godfrey I think how maybe
computer compatible after all it's been
uphill but I think it's slowly getting
the hang of me oh my god mrs. hatten has
been at my word processor I wasn't aware
she knew how they work she doesn't know
she didn't but she was very keen to
learn and then she has selected the
floppy disk for her debut which had our
quarterly accounts on it oh we've lost
most of all isn't the crucial part of
September I'd like to take this
opportunity to apologize profusely for
any any inconvenience I may have caused
and well I'd like to take this
opportunity of terminating your
part-time employment with us for free Oh
I mean let's not be hasty mr. Bagley yes
let's look I'm sure there's a funny
sight to all this somewhere if we really
look hard consider yourself fired mrs.
Hannen that could have been me talking
mrs. Bagley when I want your advice I'll
ask for it dearest look I need this job
it's the only way I can save for all the
little luxuries that make life bearable
you know like food sob sob sob okay
right now out you are a great square
faced empty-headed pile of silicon and
that goes for your computer as well are
very keen on the truth aren't they mr.
Bagley the truth the whole truth and
nothing but the truth absolutely we
value the truth above all things
is this true Giles here's what true
Vanessa it says here you're a lecherous
toad face groper okay the rest of the
afternoon in the bar in the bar but I
needed a long hot soak to D Bagley fire
m*ssile another notch on the
unemployment statistics I know the
feeling I'm a notch
you're the old-time knotch you're gonna
tell Richard oh well as guarantor of my
bank loan I suppose I'll have to in time
I don't think I tell him why I was fired
there
oh well tomorrow's another day no
kidding Henry and who knows what it may
bring yes but one thing it will bring is
Chris's new roommate Hamish McAlpine
woman it's our buddy gulp what was it
the central heating I only met Hamish
there once
Hamish the airline steward he gave me a
long lingering look and said well who
need i say more
Chris seems to think that Hamish is gay
cool you've got a lightning mind Henry
he came his daddy look when they met
Chris was wearing his disc jockey outfit
let me put it another way hey Mitch was
confronted with a blow-dried B sequin
vision in a black cat suit sparkling
with tiny fairy lights it's hardly
surprising
hamish said well hello and what did he
expect him to say do you fancy a pint
and a spot of armwrestling
I didn't understand a word of this you
know the more I read the more I realize
how little I actually know about
medicine
this is terrific news for your patients
you know he doesn't actually have any
patients one of the great things about
the NHS is they don't let medical
students loose on members of the public
till they've sort of got the hang of it
you will get the hang of it won't you
Henry I suppose then in time
I probably on the geriatric wards by
then as a patient first time I was off
hmm
why don't you have something to eat
Thank You missus heaven but I'm really
not hungry
well you really shouldn't go to work on
a cup of coffee if I ate anything now
I'd only regret it at 11:00 what happens
i'm disemboweling a rat you wouldn't
believe the things we have to go through
to become doctors never mind Henry I'm
sure there's others worse off than
yourself like who I'd like to know the
rat first start for cheerio then
fine have a nice day are you serious are
you all right well nine misses happen a
part of my career being in ruins and the
imminent arrival of the Flying Scotsman
Monica snip down and straightening out
will you
I think you should go why me well I can
only see his bad points you've got the
advantage of being blinded by lust go on
I can't why not because I think I'm
beginning to fancy Henry I'm taking him
to a film tonight he's very clever you
know can't be that clever if he's going
out with you
oh do I detect a hint of jealousy no I'm
intrigued by his brain well he's
probably the first man you've ever
fancied who's had one morning Sheila
morning Richard all right what can I do
for you if I answer that question
honestly you probably slapped my face
let's do a chappy of yours I need to
know how easy it would be to smuggle a
portable nuclear device plus a dead body
through the customs at Heathrow been
Gatwick I could have told you how would
a mich know presumably he's clued up on
airport security I also need to know
what qualifications one needs to be a
baggage handler at Jakarta why were you
thinking of applying writing a
blockbuster is no laughing matter Sheila
till of course one sells the film right
was your idea I turned to fiction I'm
sorry Richard I will ask Camus just as
soon as he touches down still wasn't a
wasted journey I can tell you the plot
of my Blockbuster instead plot it's
immensely ingenious but rather
complicated can't wait
Lomax
mom sent down to cheer you up
good idea papi look how would you feel
if I told you that Hamish wasn't gay I
feel he needed a brain scan looking the
way I do does have its disadvantages
Monica
it makes me irresistible to both sexes
oh this is news to me you wanted the
most resistible people I've ever met
yeah well luckily for my libido you're
heavily outnumbered by discerning women
like Carol which reminds me I've got a
treat in store for her tonight yeah well
you have to join the queue
hey she's taking Henry to see a film but
I've got tickets for dire straits
tonight I bought them weeks ago it's
gonna be a surprise still all is not
lost I'll take you instead Hey think of
it dire straits and me can you believe
your look I'm sorry but I've got other
plans
oh yeah what plans think of something
look um I'll tell you I'll do I'll try
and sell your spare dies straight stick
it to someone at college this afternoon
oh good idea
it's uh it's a numbered seat bang next
to mine so make sure you sell it to
somebody else fancy I better send it
straight back to you then
and certain having saved the world for
civilization grip Lomax does what he
would have done much earlier if he
hadn't been quite so busy namely slip
between the sheets with the lovely
Antonia that's about it are you sure
you're gonna be able to pack all that
into 600 pages one can but try
I think you'll agree it's a fairly
exciting plot spool I'm toying with the
idea of rendezvous with fear how's that
sound to you it sounds like my last
interview with a bank manager seriously
I like it Richard I do I think this book
is a winner
and I like your hero grip Lomax it's an
unusual name
Lomax Cyril this man is a one-off Sheila
rip Lomax is going to make James Bond
look like Russell hearty Richard yes
there's just one thing bothers me in all
of this and what's that it's the thought
of you typing it all out by yourself oh
I know I've seen you type you use a
maximum of two fingers you could be
typing this book for the rest of your
life I am writing it out in longhand I
plan to have each chapter typed out by a
press oh if only I could help you in
some way
ah but you're far too busy with your job
no but for the sake of English
literature I would sacrifice my jaw I
would not let me put it another way I've
been fired
good god what ever thought well uh well
Scrimgeour one badly have started
drinking very heavily but they've lost
half their clients and so you know they
had to lay me off you do surprise me
I always thought scrimshaw and badly
were pretty solid no not anymore
strictly liquid Sheila is this the whole
truth and nothing but the truth so help
me God not a word of it
what does it matter you know we were
just non computable compatible but I
will do a good job for you Richard
my trusty portable awaits you ever
regret this sir I promise shall I um pop
home and fetch chapter one oh yes please
and Richard I thank you from the bottom
of my bank balance oh is probably
erecting a barbed wire room divider even
as we speak where do people always
assume that airline stewards are gay no
you must have confused Chris with people
he's having to cope with being the most
desirable man on earth
oh it's help for the poor boy God you
should hear the stream of sexist chat
yet Monica thinks that you'd have his
own sexist chat show that's more sexist
chat Hamish I don't follow
well Chris is assuming that you're gay
right mmm wouldn't it be a shame to
disappoint him
well this is all very cozy cozy bed
suits can be such lonely places
can--they but I'm sure I won't be lonely
not with you here I'm a bit of a loner
hey Misha I like my own company and I'm
sure I will too
so you're an airline steward eh
aye and you oh I'm rapidly working my
way up to the top in show business be
the envy of every student Heathrow fancy
little old me sharing with someone in
show business hold on hold on I don't
have to get too excited about this
Hamish and I'm sure you will get to the
top Chris because you have a fantastic
aura aura but should you ever decide to
change your career well I'm sure all the
other stewards and I could squeeze up
and make room for your teeth row
I mean take yesterday I was involved in
some very heavy turbulence over the
Indian Ocean Leslie and I were rattling
around the galley like there was no
tomorrow so now I've got something
fairly important to say now Hamish
so listen carefully I'm I'm heavily into
women and it's no secret that women are
heavily into me so so uh so the last
thing I need is you siding over in the
small hours and whispering I'm Hamish
blimey
what I don't understand is well you're
Hamish McAlpine right I thought that
McHale Pines were as butch as they come
and only really interested in macho
things like building motorways the plan
at the sound of sweaty Bunch
just don't try and I think that's all as
far as you're concerned this is a total
exclusion zone
oh yeah this is all very impressive
Sheila but Tim when were you planning to
start I'm not just any old typist
Richard I'm an artiste of the keyboard
I'm quite sure Liberace doesn't have
navel gentlemen breathing down his neck
when he's warming up oh right he goes
Drip Justin
first
well yes and meaning well you've managed
to destroy the tone of the piece already
by seriously misspelling my hero's name
great I'm not anymore apparently become
drip Justin I'm Richard I I think it
might be better if you just sort of left
me to it you know we artistes can't
really operate to our optimum when we're
being surveyed understood Liberace hello
Henry
Henry
how was the rep ah not too pleased every
19 he's passed carry now he's gone to a
better place
may you rest in pieces oh please no more
Henry this is Hamish pleased to meet you
likewise Oh Carol any thoughts on what
film you'd like to see tonight
oh yes Brandon Brandon Peters aren't you
keen well doesn't that involve Sylvester
Stallone wiping out most of Southeast
Asia I'm sure he does it in the best
possible taste Oh Henry's been up to his
ears in innards all day laughy wants to
unwind is more of the same evening Chris
there you go I sold you dire straits
ticket and it wasn't easy you should pay
me Commission who did you sell it to
somebody taste your whole flat-chested
I'm afraid Chris nice-looking please
Monica you're making me blush
hey well we'd better get a move on if
we're going to catch the supporting band
nobody had any money
hamish did so that was lucky wasn't it
forget any lucky I might k*ll myself are
you coming or not
tell me something Chris what's that are
you always this nervous on the first
date
fine Antonia crept onto the balcony and
her torn negligee and peered into the
night group she whispered come to me
suddenly she felt a tiny wrinkle in the
nape of her neck she swung round to see
Otto fingering the tip of his stiletto
his blubbery lips parted over his yellow
stained teeth in a cruel smirk dragged
her back to the unspeakable horrors of
his bed and Bagley now this is the life
Monica just me and my trusty portable
and not a floppy disk in sight no
nothing floppy about grit some has got
his hat on doorbell is ringing
you haven't got round chapter two
already no I've been far too busy I've
had a brilliant notion Sheila you see it
occurred to me that the logistics of
rendezvous with fear are going to
require more organization than a royal
wedding and it was the thought of you
typing out countless rewrites that
prompted my blinding flash of
inspiration what you need is a word
processor and here it is I knew you'd be
pleased you ever come across these
things quite apart from simplifying your
typing we can also program this machine
to keep tabs on what all of my
characters are up to which is just as
well because I've lost track of half of
them already
well Sheila I know what you're thinking
you're thinking this is the best idea
I've ever had
the salesman assures me they're an
absolute bottle to operate so have no
fears on that score it is just a
question of following the instructions
so who's a clever boy there is just how
can I say thank you somehow seem so
inadequate
my brain is superior to yours
all right you may be able to memorize a
lot of useless information but there are
many things that I can do that you can't
for example I can do this and I can do
this and I can also do this
01x03 - Episode 3
Watch/Buy Amazon
Maureen Lipman played Sheila Haddon, whose husband had d*ed 18 months before the start of the first series. He d*ed without any insurance, so on top of her grief she has to pay off the mortgage of her house (No 20).
Maureen Lipman played Sheila Haddon, whose husband had d*ed 18 months before the start of the first series. He d*ed without any insurance, so on top of her grief she has to pay off the mortgage of her house (No 20).