[Music]
boy am i shocked
i mean you know who would have guessed
that
basic instinct would have had so much
nudity i mean so much graphic gratuitous
sex i mean really if i would have known
that it was such trash i never would
have rented this well be careful it's my
only cop here
basic instinctus
if i didn't know better i think you're
trying to put me in the mood has the
woman ever tied you up no
only my mother she used to make me wear
one of those leashes when we used to go
shopping at macy's
you're funny i like that in a man
oh hey
you're in my living room
i like that in a lady
never felt this way before
nothing could ruin this moment
ah jeez we're out of paper
my father
you're supposed to go out tonight
what the hell were you doing in there
fighting a losing battle my son
i mean what are you doing at home i
thought tonight was your poker night at
pete peters so did i but pete took the
wrong medication again and when i got
there he was declaring himself king of
the pixies and yelling look at me look
at me
dad you've been here since like what
nine o'clock had a bottle of wine
watched an entire movie are you telling
me you're in that basin for over two
hours i didn't say it was a personal
best
can we just talk about the slater before
you go into your career highlights and
god forbid bloopers
al
al mitchell nice to meet you al gina
rosetti rosetta oh dad please
please don't do this what did i do
i like italians i love italy it's a
beautiful country oh isn't it though
yeah
i almost felt bad when we had a b*mb the
crap out of it in world w*r ii
well now that you've alienated my friend
and knowing what a big day of tomorrow
at the u.n stephen don't do that i think
your father's cute besides i have a
great sense of humor about my heritage
does does this sound familiar
now here's your cookie
you know stephen i think it's time for
me to go home gina i'm sorry but once i
hear latin it takes me right back to the
sisters and there i am again in my
little blue and white uniform yeah well
i don't know what to say you still have
that uniform
thanks steven maybe next time okay ciao
just as well you've been alone so long
you'd probably cry out your own name
[Music]
i'm miserable dr mitchell
no matter where i go i can't help but
feel that people are staring at us
thinking what the hell's she doing with
that guy
uh-huh
believe it or not
a lot of people out there think
well i'm sort of a dork
well look arthur you know you can't live
your life worrying about what other
people think about you really i mean it
could be an awfully cruel world out
there yeah that's why guys like you and
me got to stick together right
yeah you know something
when i see debbie
i see a warm
beautiful woman who loves you very much
so my suggestion to you is just to just
put aside all those negative thoughts
and just focus on the
abundant affection that this fine woman
uh has chosen to bestow only on you
you see arthur
all that really matters is that i love
you and i love you too
um
and i promise no more freddie good no
more worrying about someone thinking i'm
a dork cause i'm not i love you and
tonight when i see the guys in my
barbershop quartet i'm gonna tell the
whole world
oh thank you dr mitchell
we love you love you too okay
next time okay bye-bye okay
bye-bye
season what are you just doing here i've
never seen two people leave therapy so
happy in all my life yeah
well i'm just glad i helped make them uh
a loving couple again they're a couple
what the hell is she doing with that guy
stephen have you found the curtis file
yet
stephen i i know i stand the risk of
giving up my entire afternoon here but
are you okay oh christine i'm sorry i
just have a few things in my mind that's
all oh what did your father do now
he's just there he's always there
you know from the moment he moved in i
have not had one moment of privacy
between my workload you know and join
custody of danny forget about it i'm
lucky if i have like one night a week to
date a big deal so he butted in once
jack ruby butted in once
look steven i just saw one happy will
leave this office and when you get down
to it what are you and your father
a hideous freak of nature no you're a
couple roommates what you clearly need
to do is bring that same type of couple
counseling home with you oh you think so
sure i think so my boyfriend frank and i
went to therapy because we were having
some little problems yeah well frank has
four little problems a wife and three
kids
true but thanks to therapy at least i
know where i stand now yeah yeah two
blocks away in the bushes waiting for
the all-clear signal
look make jokes but the therapy is
helping
frank says he's gonna leave his way
right after the election
all right fine great i'll pick up some
chinese and uh we'll meet you at seven
me oh no i didn't mean i should do the
therapy
oh like i haven't helped you before
how many times have i done this
yeah hello frank hold on a minute all
right all right
but you owe me
geez
you me and your father and counseling
talk about my worst nightmare
well that's your worst nightmare no mine
was
i'm in bed with sydney crawford
she turns into broadway crawford
and then i say
ah what the hell
until i read this letter of rejection
what should it do to these guys
they really hate you
you're reading by mail
i can't believe you're reading my mail
is that what you do with your days when
danny's not here yeah
aside from all the continuings i'm
invited to
we got to talk we got some real problems
oh no there's no problems really no
problems at all i see you're a little
late with your visa bill
dad you have a total disregard for my
privacy
and that's christine okay now she has
volunteered to come over to help us
share some of our feelings oh no
you're not going to get me into that
counseling crap doctor
hi al
save that sweet talk for those other
wackos honey
i know what you two are up to
she's gonna show me an ink block i'm
gonna see a naked lady and pretty soon
you're gonna be signing all my checks
dad that's a totally ridiculous idea
and one i hadn't actually thought of
before stephen if you don't mind
this isn't pick on owl time al i'm
simply here to help you to find a common
ground to help you get along better as
roommates
well you're doing a fine job
i'm a perfect roommate in fact i'm a
great roommate ask anyone hi steven
accept her
what are you doing here i thought you'd
be passed out on a pile of peanut shells
by now
oh go to hell oh good snappy comeback
i'll have you know i only have one
cocktail a night yeah but you drink it
out of an aquarium
[Applause]
so mom what brings you to camelot
actually i brought over a present for
your father al they delivered your heart
medicine last week and i brought it
right over
what you've had my heart medicine for a
week
i could have crawled
what took you so long i was busy you see
that she wants to k*ll me that's not
true al
get your heart medicine come on come on
please guys can you like like take us
somewhere else like maybe down by the
docks or hey what about a biker bar that
would be cool helen i'm glad you're here
maybe you can shed some light on a few
problems steven and al are having as
roommates oh we don't have any problems
helen tell em how nice i can be to bunk
with oh you're a regular picnic al
after living with you for two days anne
frank would have yelled hey boys i'm
over here
you see i'm not alone on this so tell me
did you have any problems with privacy
privacy sure
except during sex
during sex i hardly knew he was there
yeah right i rode you like shoemaker
baby
oh you promised please don't talk about
your sex life in front of me i don't
know what makes me go through some kind
of embarrassing shriveling thing i don't
know
it's his nature the man has to ruin
everything did he tell you that he lost
our house our retirement money i am
practically a bad lady you're half right
i never thought that i would be spending
my golden years bending over on the new
jersey turnpike picking up cans i knew
it when i met you
well at least we all agree that you're a
lousy roommate
now the least you can do is sit through
one session with me and christine or we
can chuck the whole thing and have mom
over for dinner oh good steven good jam
the bamboo up real high steven
real high okay okay let's get this damn
thing over with well you're gonna have
to do it without me i have better things
planned big date with jim beam tonight
oh by the way al the doctor said you
should take your heart medicine with
plenty of alcohol and make sure you
operate heavy machinery
i should have k*lled it when i had the
chance
why don't we just get started uh tell me
stephen
when was the last privacy issue you had
with your father oh privacy well or
about 20 minutes ago i come home from
work and he's reading my mail so so
you need to know how this might make
your son feel all you know
this is the perfect opportunity for a
little role reversal
i'm home i'm home from work
what a long day what a long day boys i
don't know what's the matter with me why
are my arms like this
i don't know i i think i'm going crazy
son i'm uh going through your personal
and private mail which of course i have
no business reading at all
that's okay dad that's okay i think i'm
going blind from reading nursing home
brochures
oh son you have plans tonight because uh
i want to make sure i'm around so i can
uh ruin them not really not really dead
i don't have those kind of plans i just
want to try to bed down some idiot who
thinks i'm a real doctor hey hey hey
that's a fail christine he's not a foul
stephen you're breaking character i i am
not i am not breaking character
he's breaking the rules i knew it
dad there's like one big joke here isn't
it there huh what did what did
i'm not dead
in all due respect
i'm stephen
i think i think i'll go upstairs
no maybe i'll maybe i'll stay here i no
no
no no maybe i'll take a shower that's it
and i washed my hair with with 25 pounds
of of moose
oh geez it's been 15 minutes since my
last ethnic slur christine uh what are
you dear uh irish let me make you feel a
little more at home
stephen have you been this angry with
your father your whole life well i guess
i have i mean come on the guy never
gives me any slack it's gone back since
i was 10 years old he broke into my
diary yeah like that was interesting
dear diary today i am depressed
and again they picked me last for
kickball
i think i have a tumor
dad you are violating my rights what
rights when you live under my roof you
live by my rules yeah well you're under
my roof now so maybe it's my turn good
stephen set up some boundaries rules to
live by how does that sound to you al
like the first half hour of stalling 17
i can't live like that
dad hey stephen i'm 67 years old and i
didn't come this far to be treated like
some kid
you know i'm sorry dad really there's
gonna have to be some laws of mutual
respect around here really no opening my
mail okay and when i'm working don't
bother me and if i happen to have a
woman in the house like tomorrow night
by some miracle gina's coming over again
you either get out of the house or you
stay in your room and what if i don't
want to do any of this crap well then
i'm just gonna have to leave
oh
can you believe so much rain i've never
seen it before in my life
oh
oh stephen i don't know i really think i
should be going home
now
what are you kidding me somebody
lightened it to that cat outside forget
about it looked like it belonged in the
museum of you know for cats with no skin
what are you doing oh uh i'm just
checking i uh you know have a few
problems with squatters you know
okay
look stephen i just don't think it's
meant to be for us
what are you talking about tonight's
gonna be different my father's out of
the house so big deal the continental
park got canceled we'll make our own
little concert right here in the living
room look we got music
now the rest is just left to our
imagination
i don't know about you but right now
imagining i'm i'm blind
oh you make me laugh
i'm still dressed
you are a really good kisser
you know tonight might just work out
okay after all
want some pastrami
dad what is your problem you know you're
not supposed to be here look steven i
know you have these new rules but i
really got hungry so i snuck down in the
kitchen and i made myself a sandwich and
just as i was starting up the stairs the
lights went out so what happened to
poker night at pete peters we had to
cancel you see every time there's a big
storm pete picks up guam on his metal
plate
steven maybe i'll just leave oh no
please you two make yourself comfortable
i'm sorry this won't happen again yeah
well i better not uh i'll go upstairs
lock myself in my room and you won't
even hear me yeah but we're still gonna
talk about this i'm far away i can't
even hear you
i swear on my mother's grave and it's a
big grave cause i buried her with her
jewelry
you won't see me take one step down in
here tonight
oh stephen i love this music
it makes me feel like we're in the
caribbean
can you see it stephen
tell me what you can see
oh i see sand i see a woman with bananas
in her head
oh i see pablo escobar's cousin like
landing a little cessna on a dirt run
oh stephen i can almost fear the waves
crashing on the beach
oh god
i hope that's a burglar
look before you do anything i'm old and
i break easy
i'm blacking out
you know something i can't believe it
you know he's like judd nelson's career
just when you think he's gone forever
he's back it was an emergency there's a
cricket in my room and i had to come
down and get some bug spray you should
have seen it tripping its ass off and
hopping all around reminded me of your
mother on that trip to mexico you know
dad i am so sick and tired of your
excuses and your frightening imagery so
get upstairs now
i'm gone
this time i'm totally gone you won't
hear me you won't see me
and you won't even think of the name al
mitchell
pizza from mitchell oh this is
ridiculous
what the hell took you so long so i get
it free
stephen look it just doesn't look like
our night why why well what's the what's
the what's the problem here yeah what's
the problem you
you're the problem i can't believe i was
so stupid to see that this thing would
work
you can't cooperate you can't get along
and most of all you can't follow the
rules so get upstairs and think about
this because i can't live like this
anymore
fine
now where were we on some damn hot
island where i had like sand in my shoes
and all the coconuts they look like fat
ball belligerent men right
i mean what then this was your stupid
fantasy
oh gina look i'm sorry really look i i
got to get this thing off my chest
before the the clock moves up and goes
right into my brain maybe we'll go out
next week after i get my father out of
here
yeah i think i'll just play the field
for a while if i can't find anyone
better i'll give you a call
it's a date
what are you doing dad what does it look
like i'm packing
we're gonna go larry's no he don't want
me there either
i'll go to the shelter at least people
there talk to you
they don't know they're talking to you
but hey it's company
this is not about talking dad it's about
rules and respect
oh god you have any idea what it took me
to get gina to come back to the house
tonight you know i'm not sure if you've
noticed but i'm recently divorced and i
can use a little human companionship
oh tell me about it my wife left me all
my friends were in miami or dead i don't
have any money and my sons don't want me
around them
is that what
this is all about i mean i mean what are
you saying you're lonely
is that why you're in my face all the
time
it's not my fault you ever look at the
size of your head
you know when you were a kid
clowns were even scared of you
man
i'm a psychologist i can't believe i
didn't see this
oh man dad this is the first time you've
ever been alone in your life
oh look really dad i'm so sorry i mean i
really shouldn't do this to you pop i
you know when i think back you were
always there for me remember when i was
like about eight or nine i was sick and
i had the shingles right i couldn't go
to school and i was up all night i and i
couldn't sleep you just stayed here and
you were telling me all those hilarious
fairy tales remember you know my
favorite one was
that handsome prince who sold more
cadillacs than anyone in the whole land
you know the part i liked when when the
guy k*lled his vicious wife
and he pushed her he pushed her off a
cliff in the trunk of an el dorado
oh dad look why you just stay all right
look it'll be different we'll get along
because look
you're my father you've always been
there for me and now i want to be here
for you what do you say
okay
i'll stay thanks a lot
but
you got to talk to me nice
and treat me like a human being
i could do that
thanks steven for for letting me stay
you're a good son
thanks then
oh steven
yeah
i hope i didn't mess you up with that
girl no no no it's okay
here's a dollar what get yourself
another hooker
[Music]
hi hal
hi and i don't want to talk to you
oh
[Music]
you
01x03 - Private Lives
Watch/Buy Amazon
Revolves around Dr. Steven Mitchell, a psychologist who lived in Manhattan with his young son and, despite his constant insults and put downs, his father Al , an obnoxious used car salesman who was recently separated from his wife Helen.
Revolves around Dr. Steven Mitchell, a psychologist who lived in Manhattan with his young son and, despite his constant insults and put downs, his father Al , an obnoxious used car salesman who was recently separated from his wife Helen.