01x03 - Tech Rehab

[bunniefuu]

♪ Riding through
your neighborhood ♪

♪ Out to pull a... ♪

♪ No...
And I'm that smooth ♪

♪ I'm the shadow
on your block ♪

♪ Dressed in all black ♪

♪ And when they run up ♪

♪ I'ma make 'em fall flat ♪

[Tires screech]

♪ I want your dough,
not your life ♪

♪ But I'll take one ♪

Aah!

[Siren wails]

Both:
No!

Mom! We were just about
to shake down some whores

for holding out on us.

So go outside and do it.

Look, I don't like what
this game is doing to you boys.

What do you mean?
We're totally fine.

[Hisses]
The light burns!

Did you even sleep last night?

Ain't no times for sleeps.
What, what?

Yup, yup.
A sleepin' pimp's a dead pimp.

Oy, if only someone had told
that to your cousin Dino,

God rest his soul.

I know they say
pimpin' ain't easy,

but this level's pretty easy.

You boys don't know
nothing 'bout pimping.

Let me show you how it's done.

Up, up, down, down,
left, right, left, right,

B, A, Select, Start.

Now you got a fleet
of a hundred hoes.

And I got a new cell phone.

Sucker little white kids!

[Bell rings]

[Pager vibrates]

Why's everyone so weird
on Chat Roulette?

Some people don't even
show their nuts.

Hey, Jeena.

I can't talk right now.

I got 10,000 acres
on farmville to harvest,

carrots to seed,
forget-me-nots to water,

cows to milk, goats to breed,

and I got to put down a horse.

What are you doing
all that for?

It relaxes me!

Breathing in...

Breathing out.

Oh, my God.

I almost forgot to breathe.
I have to tweet that.

Oh, that's it.

I have had it about up to here
with all of you.

[Groans]
Oh, you get the idea.

You're all neglecting
your responsibilities

because of your
constant sexting

and non-stop Twitter tatting

and g*dd*mn face poking.

O-m-f-g.
Ashton just tweeted.

He forgot to breathe too.

Give me that.

Oh. Oh, God.
Oh, can't...

Oh, okay.
Almost got it.

Just a little more.
Oh, God!

[Alarm beeping]
Aah! Save the electronics!

[Groans]
Oh, [bleep] My life.

♪ Budget guts and testing ♪

♪ Have ruined all our schools ♪

Let's hear it
for Principal Gurniel.

Thank you, Voneeta.

Mm, mm. That's a lovely scent
you're wearing.

It's taco spice.

Why am I missing
a shift for this?

Chill, parent-heads.

We've called this
emergency PTA meeting

because your children
are out of control.

As you can probably tell
from Ms. Teets' bandages.

To be fair,
this one is from cage sex,

but this one here,
this is from the children.

Seems your little grommets

are hooked on technology,
people.

It's true.
The only way that my Mondo

gets any exercise is when I move
his feet while he's sleeping.

I caught my son
cyber bullying online.

It's terrible.

How's he ever gonna
get any hands-on experience?

Why are you
hitting yourself, huh?

Why are you hitting yourself
at a PTA meeting?

So what are we supposed to do?

Well, luckily there's hope.

[Eagle shrieks]

Howdy.
I'm Claw Jones.

You might recognize me
from my show Claw and order

on the wilderness channel.

[Polar bear growls]

Aah!

[Crocodile roars, whimpers]

[Sheep bleats]

[Eagle shrieks]

Now that I've
skull-blasted the wild,

I've set my eye on the most
dangerous beast there is...

teenagers.

Aah!

Remember when virus protection
was a condom,

apple was a fruit, and a mouse
was a little bitch rat?

Well, your kids don't.

One week with me,

and your kids will learn
to be self-sufficient,

appreciate nature, and conquer
their greatest fears.

Isn't that right, Tommy?

[Laughs]
You're the best, Claw.

So remember,

when technology has you
duct-taped in a basement prison,

just Claw your way out.

[Rock music]

Mm, I don't know.

Well, if you don't want
to send them to tech rehab,

we could just suspend them.

Then you'll be stuck
with them all week.

No skin off my tit.

- No, no.
- They're yours.

Two days in the wilderness?

Mom, I'm slow.
I'm weak. I'm needy.

In nature,
I'm what's known as prey.

Come on, my little trooper.

Remember when you
were in the scouts?

Look at all those badges
that you earned.

No, ma, you earned those.

[Rock music]

[Grunts]

Mm.

[Dummy buzzes]

Mm.

[Dummy beeps]

[Grunts]

Mm.

Sorry, mom.
There's no way I'm going.

Okay.
I'm sure that Jeena

will find someone else
to keep her warm.

Jeena's going?
I'm going!

Jeena and I are both going,
and you can't stop me!

Calm down.

All the kids have
to be at the dock

first thing in the morning.

Wow. I wonder how
they're gonna wrangle Wadska.

[Hisses]

[Horn blows]

Yeah, that's right.
It's Claw Jones.

Ugh.
Now before we go any further,

I'm gonna need everybody

to drop any and all
"electronicals" into this sack.

[All groan]

[Cell phone ringing]

You want to play hardball?

Taylor Lautner.

Thank you.
Everybody on the boat.

- Miss you.
- Have a good time.

- Have fun, kids.
- Have fun.

Hmm. Now what?

I don't know.

It's been years since
we've had a free weekend.

How about everyone
come over to my place

for some finger foods
and intelligent conversation?

- Count me in.
- Finger foods.

- Sounds great.
- I'll provide the tunes.

Nope.
Tunes are broke.

Oh, I like your jacket.

Oh, yeah?
Are you gonna steal it from me

like you did Turk?

Excuse me?

Ladies, ladies, please,
continue fighting over me.

Turk shows his sack
on the Internet,

and he gets
a camping weekend with Jeena.

I have one nut slip out
of my swimsuit,

and I get banned
from the public pool.

Tell me how that's fair!

I'm just wondering
what our video game characters

are doing right now.

Psst.
Hey, you awake?

Now I am.

You ever feel
like everything we do

is controlled
by some greater force,

like we're some sort
of cosmic puppets?

You think too much.
Now hush up.

You're gonna wake the hoes.
[Women snoring]

I'm sure they're fine.

I'm more worried about
getting through this weekend.

Your apprehension
is well-founded.

You don't think we're going
on some nature hike, do you?

- Uh-huh.
- Maniacal laughter!

We're here
to be hunted for sport

by some blood-thirsty
billionaire.

We'll be lucky to make it
through the night alive!

[Laughs]

Ominous cackle!

Followed by
shifty eye movements.

Behold.
Cachondo island.

Yeah, that's not scary at all.

Isn't this nice?

Just us grown-ups
sitting around,

having a civilized
evening for once?

Yeah. And this baked Brie
is the tits.

Thanks, Brett.

All right, rule number one,

we cannot talk about our kids.

You know, I once bit
right through a pineapple.

Come on, people.
This shouldn't be hard.

I mean, what did we do for fun

before the kids came along?

All right, you breeders.
Who wants a drink?

- Thank God.
- Oh, come to mama.

You're a savior.

Now listen up, tech tweakers.

Ugh. I'm gonna drop
some survival loads on you.

Mother nature's like
any other woman.

She smells nice, she's pretty,
and she'll let you touch her,

but then without warning
she'll turn into a real bitch.

So it's essential
that you carry

a sufficient amount
of fresh water on you,

or she will suck you dry.

And not in a good way.

Ah, true, but why lug around
a canteen like a sap

when our bodies already contain
nature's canteen?

The bladder!
Witness.

I have her a cup of my own
perfectly drinkable urine.

Ugh!
It's gone cold.

Dude, I feel really weird.

I'm losing thumb speed.

I don't know
how much longer I can last.

You're just going
through withdrawal.

We all are.
Look.

Ugh.
[Bird chirping]

What is that ringtone?

That's a bird.

Can we put it on vibrate?

Hey, guys, check out
these berries I found.

Oh, damn it.

It's just not as satisfying
in real life.

Oh, I miss my farm.

Hey, good find, Jeena.

This dead animal here
is a beautiful part of nature

and the cycle of life.

We must treat
every animal in the wild

with love and respect.

[Grunts]

This boar-skin coat will keep me
warm and camouflaged.

It's an invaluable find...

nobody panic.

This is their mating season.
It's completely natural.

And... oh!
That one got me.

Ah... Ah...
Oh.

Oh.
Here you go, Mondo.

Look at that little stick.

The Marshmallow's all like,
"is it in yet?"

[Laughs]

All right, gather 'round

while I forcibly insert some
knowledge into your "brain-us."

I too am a recovering
tech addict.

Unable to escape the constant
stream of p*rn,

I abused my body,

causing permanent damage
to my hand,

which is where I got
the nickname Claw.

Since overcoming that,

I've dedicated
my life to nature.

I've spent months
in rainforests,

I punched a bear in the face,

and I had sex with a Mountain.

How did you have sex
with a Mountain?

Doggy-style.

Point is, you got
to take charge of your life

and start doing cool-ass stuff
on your own, like me.

Now let's choco-lify
those s'mores.

[Neck cracks]

[All gasp]

Spoiler alert.
He's dead.

Are we sure he's dead?

Hold on. Let me check.

Yep. He's dead.

So what should we do?

We should eat him for energy!

Wadska, you've been saying
that since the boat ride.

Claw said we should treat
everything in the wild

with love and respect.

We need to honor his body
with a proper burial.

- Mondo's right.
- Ew.

What?

He was being
all dead and gross.

[Cell phone ringing]
Pretty bird.

No, that one's
actually a phone.

Where's it coming from?

[Cell phone ringing]

Falls!

Okay, no reason to panic.

Let's just
get back to our fire.

That'll keep us warm
for the night.

[Thunder booms]

Still no reason to panic.

As long as we don't
get separated.

Okay, everybody panic.

Oh, my God!

Aah!

Ugh.

Hello?
Is anyone there?

Oh, no.
I'm alone.

This is the worst
thing possible.

[Both groan]

[Bleep] my life.

See? Isn't this nice?

I mean,
why can't our kids do this?

Hanging out face to face.

Yeah, this is
the real social network.

And what's with this Twitter?

Telling people what you think
all the time?

I mean, we used to do that.
It was called being an a-hole.

Remember this jam?
[Pop music plays]

Think we can still kick it?

Yes, we can.

Check it out.

Hoo. Ha.

Who wants body sh*ts, y'all?

Ooh, get up in this, Gurniel.

Stand very still.

What? Why?

Hi-yah!

Thanks, bro.
That was close.

You really know
what you're doing out here.

Of course I do.

While you're out there enjoying
the surf and the sand,

I spend every waking minute
on the internet

preparing for the apocalypse!

Or college.
Whichever comes first.

Besides, it'd be a shame

to let an appetizer
ruin an entree.

[Hisses]

- What?
- Onward.

Oh, God.
I hope everyone else is okay.

Oh, yeah?

You worried about
your precious little Turk?

Will you drop it
about Turk already?

You guys were already broken up
when we started going out.

No, we were just on a break

while I tried to date
somebody better.

Milan, you have to be the most
selfish person I've ever met.

Selfish?
"Hi, my name's Jeena.

I like to hug energy
and recycle whales.

Please tell me
how great I am."

Yeah, that's not selfish.

Oh, yeah? How about the time
you cancelled the AIDs Walk

because the red ribbon
clashed with your shoes?

[Animal grunting, snorting]

[Grunts]

All right, Turk, will you
give me a boost please?

Sure.

[Laughs]
You fall so funny.

Can we do it again?

You know what? In school
I have to put up with your crap,

but not out here.

I'm going out on my own.

[Quietly]
Please don't leave me.

What?

Nothing.
Keep walking, fatty.

Fine.

[Quietly]
Wait. I need you.

Whoa. What?
Did you just say you need me?

Yeah. For pummeling
your stupid face in.

[Quietly]
Help me.

Okay, I... I admit it.
I'm... I'm scared.

Scared?

So what are you afraid of?

Tons of things.
The dark. Being alone.

Mixing up two black guys and
calling one by the wrong name,

and everybody thinks
that I think

that all black guys
look the same,

when in reality they were
just wearing the same t-shirt

and they have the same haircut,

and no matter how hard
I try to explain it,

I can't, and then
the next thing I know I'm...

Turk! Turk!
Calm down.

I won't leave you.

Ugh.
Thanks, bro.

But you have to listen to me.

And stop calling me
fat and gay.

[Sighs]
Fine.

I'll stop calling you fat.

♪ ♪

Bayonne Bees!
Fight, fight, fight!

Go, Bees!

Bees? More like ds.

That was my yearbook quote.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'll be collecting everyone's
little car keys.

Oh, Voneeta,
that's very responsible.

No, I'm trying
to jumpstart this orgy.

Guys, guys!
Shh! Guys.

I'm gonna give you a secret.

I love Teets!

But I can't give her babies.

I got no swimmers.

I got to go.
It stinks over here.

Uh, I don't know.

Woodie, we're in the woods.

We need to eat to survive,

and, if it helps,
it's a delicacy in Cambodia.

Okay.
I trust you, Wadska.

Here's your half.

Oh, I'll pass.

I've got a Granola bar.

[Snake hisses]
Ow! Son of a bitch!

What?
Too many raisins?

Yes. But I was also
just bitten by a snake.

Oh, my God!
Are you okay?

I will be.
I just need a little favor.

Can you please suck the wound?

On my thigh.

Pass.

Woodie, need I remind you

that I saved you from a deadly
and delicious tarantula?

You needed me.
Now I need you.

Okay. I'll do it.

Just don't make it weird.

Get your hand off my head.

[Animal growls]

Aah!

[Scoffs]
Of course.

Turk chooses you.
The giant pig chooses you.

Everybody loves Jeena.

Aah!
He's gonna k*ll me.

Uh, I don't think
he's interested in k*lling.

It's, like, mating season.

- Milan.
- Ugh! Fine.

What are you doing?

Oh.
You're good at that.

I've had a lot of practice.

I had a pot-bellied pig

when it was, like,
cool to have them.

It ran away, or we ate it,
or... I don't know.

Thanks, Milan.

That was very selfless of you.

No big deal.
Like my mom always says,

the easiest way to deal
with unwanted horniness

is to rub it
until it goes away.

[Laughter]

Ah, balls!

This is impossible!
We're gonna freeze!

Dude, it's cool.

You know, we can just
sleep next to each other

for body warmth.

That's actually a smart idea.

Mondo, have you ever
seen brokeback Mountain?

No.
Why would you ask me that?

[Horn blows]

Turk, it's a boat.

I need to start a signal fire.

[Grunts]
I can't do it!

Come on, grundle gobbler!

Sorry. Forgot.
I'm not supposed to insult you.

No, your insults are helping.

You're like a Drill Sergeant.

Or an abusive dad that
I'm desperate to prove wrong.

Keep 'em coming.

Now it's Turk's time to shine.

You look like an aborted
Oompa Loompa.

You're gonna get diabetes.

Your fat husband
will divorce you.

You're gonna get into
an Ivy league school

where the girls are intelligent
and only marginally attractive.

Never!

Whoa. You did it.
I love you, man.

Okay, Turk.

Hug's...
hug's kind of done now.

Hey, you.

[Gasps]
Let's go!

Follow that smoke!

Ugh!

Typical.
They're all pigs.

Jeena, look!

What happened?

Wadska got bit
by a poisonous snake.

But Woodie went down on me.

Let me finish.
To suck!

Still talking.
Out the poison!

Hooray for Woodie!

Look. The boat.

[Horn blows, all cheer]

Hang on, everybody.

We should all acknowledge
the person who made this fire.

Me!
Turk! Turk! Turk!

Thanks, Mondo.

And the next time
I get stranded in the woods,

I hope it's with you.

[Boar roars]

Oh, my God!

Wait!

Ooh! A truffle.
These are expensive.

What?
I earned it.

[Yawns]

Ugh. Is this what we did
in high school?

What were we thinking?

Oh, crap. We got to go
pick up our kids.

Voneeta, someone drew
all over your face.

- Are they sweet wieners?
- Uh-huh.

Yeah, I did those.

Uh, aren't you gonna ask us
what happened to Claw?

- [Claps]
- Holy [bleep].

That's right.
It's me, Claw Jones.

Back from the never dead.

Now, usually after
I fake my own demise,

I just hide in the woods
till the boat shows up

so you guys can pop your nature
cherries on your own.

Being kicked down
a mountainside

into a river
and over a waterfall was,

as they sometimes say,
a curveball.

Dude, is that your femur?

Yes.
Yes, it is my femur.

I'm gonna pass out now,

but before I do...

I'm proud of you children.

Oh, I'm so glad to see you,
my little tech muffin.

Did you have a good time?

Mom, I finally lit a fire
all by myself.

I knew you had it in you.

And, look, I bought you that new
game system that you wanted.

But I thought you wanted us
to stop using this stuff.

Well, you know,
while you were gone,

us parents realized
that when we were teenagers

we didn't have
all this technology.

You know, we spent our time

getting sloppy, blackout...
Bored.

Dude, this version's
got cop-k*ller b*ll*ts!

Yeah, let's go back to my house

and play until
we have seizures.

Yeah, uh, why don't you guys
play at Woodie's?

I got some cleaning up to do.

[Groans]

Oh, [bleep] my life.