01x08 - Red Tuxedo

[bunniefuu]

- Aw, man,
casa's going to the dance

With bj kuntz.

- I thought
he liked hj.

- Nobody would choose hj
over bj.

- How do you keep
finding out about

All these dates
to the prom?

- That site wadska set up--
high school master dater.

He gives super-instant updates
on everyone's prom status.

- Tissues?
What do they think?

I'll be at home
crying all night?

- Uh...No.

- Mmm.

- I can't believe
jeena's still with turk.

Lately I've been having
these reoccurring fantasies

Where I'm dancing
with her.

[mellow dance music]

♪

And the next thing I know,

I'm covered in blood,
crying into a plate of ravioli.

- That's terrible.
- No!

It was lobster,
with a nice butter-sage sauce.

- Plug your little
pleasure holes, piglets!

Today we're gonna have a very
serious talk about alcohol,

And how it's such
a ginormous problem

At school dances.

It can make you have sex,

Which could lead to contracting
a debilitating disease

Called "babies."

Little dee-dee here
is a cautionary tale.

- I'm fixin'
to name it malibu.

It's a rum, it's a car,

And a classy place
to park your rv.

- To illustrate, we're gonna
watch and educational video,

Recent converted to 3-d.

- Childbirth:
From conception to divorce.

- [groaning]
- push. Push.

[wet squishy sounds]
[all gasp]

- Holy lord.

- Welcome to this world,
montgomery brando.

[baby coos]

[laughter]

[upbeat rock music]

♪

- Mom, why didn't you tell me

About the childbirth video?
- You saw that?

- I've never been
more embarrassed.

- What about the time when
you farted on santa's lap?

- I was 13! And you know
what eggnog does to me.

Don't change the subject!

- I was a poor,
single mom back then.

Things were hard.

[entry bells jingle]

- My angels!
My [bleep] angels!

- Then the local college
offered me good money

To be in that video and pay
for all of my hospital bills.

I did it so I could
survive.

So we could survive.

- Wow, I had no idea
how hard it was for you.

- But it was all worth it
because I got to have you.

- Ma, are there any other
embarrassing videos

I should know about?

- Well, one, but you know,

It was just used to pay
for your speech therapy.

- ♪ I'm a widdle pooper
short and stout ♪

♪ I eat pasthcetti
and meatballsth come out ♪

[laughing]

[air horn blares]

- All hands on deck
as I reveal to you

The theme for this year's
junior prom.

"just the tip of the iceberg."

All: Boo!

[rip]

[all cheer]

All: Just the tip!
Just the tip...

- Oliver.
d*ck noodle.

- You know it's nudell!

- Nudell.

- So, wadska,
are you going to the dance?

Wouldn't miss it!

The second life
sweethearts' jamboree

Is gonna be the online event
of the season!

I even purchased a new
gladiator combat tuxedo,

Complete with
armored cummerbund

And cane-sword.

- Actually, we're going
to the real danc

With real dates.

- We're not losers.

[laughter]

- I was j.K.In'
all over your faces!

Of course I have
a real date.

- Is she a mail-order bride?

- [gasps]
how dare you!

Damn, now I need a plan "b."

- I been thinking about
our special night,

And I got us a hotel room
at the one & done motor lodge.

- Oh, sweet! We'll have
a kickass after party there.

- Oh, no can do, babe.

Got a bit of
a scheduling conflict.

I went in with chester
and casa.

You and I have the room
from 7:00 to 9:00,

And then again
from 2:00 to 4:00.

- Turk, all I wanted was
one romantic night.

And instead,
you "schedule me" for sex

In a hotel room,
like a prost*tute.

- Aw, babe,
that's not true.

You're not getting paid
for this.

You're doing it pro-boner.
[laughs]

- My tapioca!
My [bleep] tapioca!

- [crying]

- I gotta go talk
to her.

- [crying]

- Dee-dee, are--
are you okay?

- Well, let's see.

I'm a bloated, leaking,
stretch-marked pig.

My baby-daddy dumped me,
no one's taking me to prom,

And my nippers...Look...Like...
Burnt...Tater tots!

I know exactly what
you're going through.

- Really?
Because you're fat?

- No. My mom went through it
alone too.

- Well, thanks for talking
to me, mondo,

But you can go back to your fun
high school experience

While I contemplate
my ruined life

And eat this tureen
of pickles.

- Hey, dee-dee,
you know,

I--I don't have anyone
to go to the prom with.

- [gasps]
really?

You'd wanna go with me?

Oh, thanks, mondo.

I'd love to be your date.

- Dude, breaking news!

Turk and jeena
just broke up.

You can totally
get in there.

- Ba-ehhhhhh!

- Uhh! How will I ever find
a beautiful girl

On a california beach?

Oh, she looks too much
like a boy.

Ew, she looks too much
like a girl!

This is impossible!
Ooh!

Great kelso!

It's ten-time teen choice award
nominee mila kunis!

- It's her.

All: Mila! Mila!
Mila! Mila! Mila!

- Really? Come on!

I know you guys need
to make a living,

But I'm a human being, and
I'm entitled to some privacy.

- Oh, sorry, miss kunis.

Your words have
touched our hearts.

Now, could you say them again
with this bag of dr*gs

And a slipped nipple?

- Hyah!

[shutters snapping]

- This is my chance.

Quick, mila,
get your kunis over here!

[bongos thumping]

[camera shutters click]
[paparazzi wheezing]

- [exhales] thank you so much
for helping me.

Is there anything
I could do for you?

Except talk about my lesbian
scene with natalie portman.

- Ha! What do I look like,

Some kind of sex-crazed
fanboy?

[laughs, gasps]

But now that you
mention it,

You can accompany me to my
high school dance this evening.

- [chuckles]
I was thinking more like

An autograph
or something.

- No, I'm afraid
that won't do.

I'm a desperate man.

I need to rub you
in d*ck noodle's face!

Uh, okay.
I'm gonna go now.

Don't follow me.

- Wait, kunis, please.
- Let go!

- Aaa--
- oh!

Mm...

- Mila? Mila?

- What's happening?

I'm so confused.

I don't even know
who I am.

- Oh. Well, I can
help you with that.

You're mila, my devoted
and horny girlfriend,

And we've got
a high school dance to get to!

[flatulence]
[laughter]

- [gasps]
I've been waiting for this day

Ever since jeena
stole turk from me.

Feel this, b*tches.
Revenge bumps.

Ooh, if I hadn't lasered
all the hair off my body,

It'd be standing on end.

Hey, turk, heard you and jeena
totally broke up.

Yeah. I gotta be free,
like a bird,

Or a european titty.

- Well, I don't have a date
to the dance yet,

So if you want,
you can ask me,

And I promise not to laugh
in your face.

- That's an interesting
proposition.

Give me a moment to confer
with my associates.

- On the down side,
she's a bitchy slut.

- Good point.

- On the up side,
she's a slutty bitch.

- Excellent counterpoint.

It appears we're
a well-hung jury.

[laughs]

And closing arguments
really would piss jeena off.

- [gulps]

Pop a squat, squirter.
Here's an extra seat.

- Thanks.

- So there's been a lot
of scuttlebutts on the internet

About you not going
to the dance.

I don't mean to judge,
but you're a stupid idiot.

You shouldn't miss
your prom.

I missed mine,
and I regret it to this day.

- Really?
- Very really.

I was exactly like you
in every way.

His name was duncan.
He was like a prince.

- Ooh, that sounds nice.

- I mean prince the musician,
but smaller.

We met the day of the dance

At the fried pastry shop
I worked at.

He asked me to prom
and said

He'd pick me up
at 8:00 that night.

But I waited
and I waited,

And he never ever
showed up.

I couldn't get I touch with him
because back then

There wasn't email
or cell phones or texting.

- Wow, things have
really changed.

Or facebook or twitter
or gchat.

- Oh, well, that's a lot of--

- Or skype or instant messenger
or buzz

Or missed connections.

What, am I having a conversation
with a [bleep] wall?

- Oh, sorry. I was--
- the rest of the school year

I was stuck listening
to my stupid classmates

Talk about all
the stupid fun they had.

- Huh. You know what?

I thini'm gonna take
your advice.

Thanks.

- Señor cuervo,
meet mr. Daniels.

Don't worry, there's room
in here for both y'all.

[beep]

[crying out]

- I have no business hanging out
with a pregnant girl.

I just k*lled 180 babies
in the last ten minutes.

I'm a baby k*ller,
that's what I am.

[giddy shudder]

Hey, jeena.
I heard about you and turk.

- Yeah, it's whatever.

I saw you're going
with dee-dee.

- Yeah, it sucks.
I mean, it doesn't suck,

It's just that I'm taking
a pregnant girl to the prom,

And it would be cooler
if it was you.

Not that I think it'd be cool
if you were pregnant.

I mean, I'd love it
if you were pregnant,

But in the future,
and maybe by me.

But that's a conversation
we'll have one day.

You know, when I'm
financially stable.

What I'm trying to say is
I really wish you were going

'cause I'm gonna be heat
on feet on the dance floor.

[humming dance b*at]
- [laughs]

Well, I was gonna go
anyway,

But now I'm gonna have
to break out

The double-dream hands.

- You're going?
- Yeah.

But I guess I have
to find a date.

- No! I mean,
I know what you should do.

You just got out
of a relationship,

So you need
a non-threatening date.

Someone who won't get
all handsy and fresh.

Like--like woodie!
- Huh?

- He's practically a eunuch.
- What?

- Come on, woodie, you don't
want to miss your prom.

And the thought of jeena
going with some douche bag

Makes me want to hurl myself
off a cliff.

We'll take a limo!

- Thanks for staying sober
with me, mondo.

- I'm the designated daddy.
I have to stay sober.

[water pipe bubbles]
- you and me both, man.

- [laughs]
oh, woodie.

- Hey, let's play a game
where we switch seats

And stop touching each other
for the rest of the limo ride.

[siren blares]
oh, what the effin'-eff?

- Evening, ma'am.

You had anything
to drink tonight?

- I haven't had
a [hiccups] thing.

- Okay, would you mind
breathing into this, then?

- Go fetch it.
You pigs like mud, don'tcha?

- You just declined
a breathalyzer.

I'm gonna have to take you
downtown.

- Okay, officer. Sorry.
I'm being difficult.

It's just that...I hate bacon!
[squeals like a pig]

[bleep] pig!
[tires screech]

[dance music plays]

♪

- Really, turk? Her?

- That's right.
You want a sandwich?

How 'bout I fix you
a peanut butter and jealous?

[laughs]

- That should be me
getting slapped by bj.

D-d-d-d-dj smart choices
coming at you

With the freshest beats,
rhymes, and sat questions.

We're gonna rock out
with our blanks out.

Take off your shoes,
children,

Because the answer is socks!

- Dang, look at all these
flavors of baloney!

- Don't judge us.
We're eating for four!

Look how many balls
I can fit in my mouth.

- [nervous chuckle]
okay...

Hey, let's go dance,
mister heat on feet.

- I can't really dance.

But we can tap our feet
and hum.

- [sighs]

[humming]

- I'm sorry,
could you not hum?

It's kinda making me
nauseas.

♪

- Well, well, well,

If it isn't mr. Wadska,
all by his lonesome.

- Yeah, we knew you were lying
about having a woman.

- Wadska, I'm having
so much fun.

Can we go dance?
Oh, of course,

Mila kunis.

Ta-ta, gentlemen.

In the words of my
mentor/tormentor turk,

Suck it!

- Oh, she's way hotter
than my date.

- [grunting]
almost there.

Oh, god, it's no use.

I'll never squeeze
through these bars.

- Would you like
a sandwich, ma'am?

What is it, a ham sandwich,
porky pig?

- Oh, my god. Voneeta?
- Duncan.

My little prince.
Is that really you?

- Oh, losing you was
my life's largest regret.

Please, let me explain.

I was on my way to meet you
when I was hit

By a drunk driver.

[truck horn honking]

I ended up in a coma
for 15 years,

And when I came to,
I dedicated my life

To protecting citizens from
the scourge of alcohol abuse,

And became a police officer.

But I never stopped thinking
of you.

And I would love
a second chance.

- Fine.

But try not to screw it up
this time, you selfish prick.

♪

- Ooh, yes, spank it again.

Ooh!
[laughs]

- Excuse us for a second?

- Dude, this is way more fun
than I thought it would be.

- Maybe too much fun!

[angry grunts]

- What are you doing?
Are we bro dancing?

- No, we're fighting.

And you just
kicked my ass.

Oh, who am I kidding?
You're the better man

With your chiseled good looks
and perfect hair.

Just promise me
you won't hurt her.

- Bro, I've been talking you up
to jeena all night.

- You--you have?

- Yeah. I'm totally
getting you in there, dude.

♪

I requested
this little ditty.

Now, go ask her
to dance.

I'll go entertain dee-dee
for you.

- Thanks, man.

Hey, jeena.

I was wondering
if you wanted to,

If you're not busy...

- Mondo, this song
is gonna end soon.

♪

Can I tell you something?

All night, I've been
watching you with dee-dee,

And I know
it sounds weird, but...

I feel myself getting
a little...Jealous.

- All I ever am is jealous.
And hungry sometimes.

But mostly jealous.

And I'm really happy
you came tonight.

- Me too.

♪

- Dude, it's happening.

- I know.
And you're ruining it.

- No, it's dee-dee!

- Oh, here it comes.

- Whoa!

- Balls!

- [panting]
dee-dee, are you okay?

I got here
as fast as I could.

Why am I so out of breath?

I ran for, like,
four seconds.

- Oh, I'm fine.

I'm just dropping the kid off
at the pool...For real!

Aaaaaah!
- Okay!

Okay, remember to breathe.

Breathe! Breathe!
- [crying out]

- I'm out of breath again.
I'm in terrible shape.

♪

- Be right back, turk.

I have a little surprise
for you.

Everyone, stop talking.

I'm sure you all remember,
six months ago,

Turk publicly broke up with me
for jeena.

I was, like,
really embarrassed.

But now that turk and I
are back together,

I just want to say...

You're a loser and a tool.

And you have one ball,
and it's gross.

You just got dumped,
you stupid bitch!

[laughter]

♪

- Oh, sorry, sir.

♪

Oh, my god.

What the hell am I doing
at a high school dance?

I'm mila kunis!

What's happening?
Where am I?

- There's my girl!

- Having a ball?

- All right,
I guess I deserve that.

- Yeah, you do.
But milan sucks.

Come on, I'll give you
a pity dance.

- All right!
Oh, you said pity.

I thought you said ti--
- yeah, I know.

- Push!
- Oh, god!

- Don't push me.
Push the baby out of you.

- I'm sorry. Okay, okay.
I'm pushing!

- I got a paper towel.
Oh...

Very amniotic,
very umbilical.

I'll go get one more.

- Here it comes.

- Aaaaaah!

[squlitch]
- baby!

[baby crying]

You're a miracle.

A disgusting little
miracle.

- Oh, I'm gonna name him
after his daddy...

Casa.
Casa malibu spears.

- My baby boy!

Dee-dee, I've decided I want
to be a part of his life.

- Great. Although I wish
you had made that decision,

Like, three minutes
earlier.

- Oh. Hey, woodie.

Turns out my date has
more daddy issues than I do.

- Dude, this is your chance.
Get in there!

- Excuse me, miss dance,
can I have a bj?

Oops.
[laughs]

♪

- Ball.

[crying]

- Oh, duncan, I'm trembling
just being here with you.

Oh, no, scratch that.
My scamp's in neutral.

- Oh, I will never
leave your side again.

Is that alcohol?

Those kids are breaking
the law!

I'm gonna have to
meet up with you later,

♪

If you leave me now,
there's not gonna be a later.

It's the badge for the badge.

- I'm sorry, duty calls.

Unh!
[thud]

- Wadska, help!

- I have never seen that woman
before in my life!

Hang on.
Okay, take her away.

- [crying]

- Hey, voneeta,
I was wondering--

- Shut it, gurniel.
I'm gonna raw-dog that ass.

- Oh!

- Ecch, mondo,
what happened to your tux?

You get sh*t or something?

- I wish.
Just had a rough night.

- [scoffs]
you're not the only one.

I saw on tmz that
mila kunis was arrested

For supplying minors
with alcohol.

- No offense, ma, I just--
I wanna be alone.

- Okay. No problem.

Jeena's here,
but I'll just tell her

You'll talk to her tomorrow.

- I can talk now!
Tell jeena I can talk now!

- [laughing]

So where'd you run off to?

- I just figured you were
going home with turk.

- No. I was just
giving him a pity dance.

- Even worse!

Oh, you said pity.

- God, do I have a speech
impediment or something?

Mondo, I was actually thinking
about you all night.

- Really?

Because I think
about you constantly.

Not like a stalker,
more like an obsessive fan

Who just wants
to smell your hair.

All right, that sounded
a little creepy.

What I'm trying to say is--

Mmm...

- Sorry, I interrupted.

You were saying?

- Nothing I say matters.

- And then she just
kissed you?

Very cool.
Very coming-of-age-ical.

- I know, right?

How'd it go with you?

- Hj was awesome.

- I thought you ended up
with bj.

- I did.

- Woodie, remember
all those times

I was depressed
about leaving jersey

And moving
to playa del toro?

- Yeah.
- Well, forget it.

I love it here!

Both: Boostamoocha!

RIP StarManiacO

- Can't get enough
of mondo and woodie?