I better
aren't you and always been cool
you
you think when the astronauts landed on
the moon they had to fight off giant
dinosaurs giant ones yeah
what makes you think there were ever
dinosaurs on the moon duh
tell us would they have gotten to earth
um Sanford del Joe oh god what now the
corridor meeting is about to begin
did Todd say so that's me I'm Todd
doesn't ring a bell
you Resident Advisor I helped you move
in uh you asked me if my hair was cotton
candy oh yeah is it again no well why
not
anyway the meeting is starting at a five
minutes ago oh god what kind of example
am i setting who was that guy I don't
know ask that guy welcome to our first
corridor meeting I'd like to go over
some ground rules
I've posted them again because somebody
b*rned down the copy that was on the
bulletin board I order to do one that
says Noll is burning college if you need
to find me just check this board if I'm
in class the happy face will be in the
space Mart
at class you're gonna need to know this
okay if I make my room the happy face
will be here where are you now I'm in
the corridor but please hold your
questions until which box is that
there's no box for that so for all we
know you're not even here right now no
I'm here oh boy I'm way off script at
this point
this is not the proper procedure
hey if I were you I put down that beer
you and me you'd be drunk and why should
I listen to a drunk
I listen to a drunk for 15 years that is
heart exploded this cold black heart
it's my third-grade ballet recital all
over again huh and then the b*ating I
did was some fat kid stepping on my
groin is that why you talk like that
like would never mind listen man the
guys on your floor aren't gonna respect
you if they think you're a geek you
gotta be cool you mean cooler yes much
much cooler if you're busy I could come
back No whitey was just leaving uh if
you'll excuse me I have to council a
resident but there aren't any girls at
your fuller one's gonna be in about five
minutes
they say the clothes make the man so I
need to find a cool t-shirt Olympic
beer-drinking team to competitive make
seven what does that mean
up yours huh Touche shirt I walked right
into that one here's the one for me
if this doesn't make me cool then I
don't know what will
oh using a hot plate to make soup in the
door don't worry guys I'm cool I won't
call the fire marshal huh I don't know
what stings more the rejection of my
residence or the biscuit my eye
it's the bisque are you really the
ultimate party machine no not really
then isn't that like false advertising
or something well I did have a party
once but when I blew out the candles on
my cowboy cake my hair caught fire sweet
you should have another party like that
you know where's that your hair on fire
but my hair is my best feature
okay fine I just thought it would be
cool that's all wait you think it'll be
cool
that I will have a party I gotta go
address the invitations
I knew studying calligraphy wasn't a
waste of time no I only wish my father
had lived to see this day so I could rub
his nose in it
I wish I had money for one of these my
body is craving one it's like in the
wild when a bear craves a monkey but
there aren't any around because it's
molting season what are you talking
about I'm talking about being hungry Joe
something you wouldn't know anything
about rich boy I'm paying my own way
through school
and I got a scholarship my parents
couldn't afford a fancy scholarship I've
had a party in my room here's your
invitation I'm so sick of you people
thinking college is one big party but I
thought parties were cool oh I can't win
they are cool this is too much of an
emotional rollercoaster my lung can't
take it
nothing says cool college party like
finger sandwiches
that's a boy I was right on that one
look at these tiny sandwiches I feel
like a giant
oh my god
Heimlich maneuver Heimlich maneuver Oh
Rosie well I'll put it out with this bum
spray oh my god outstanding party but my
poster really do you think the party's
outstanding are you calling me a liar
I'll k*ll you you Triscuit Wow
I finally lived up to my shirt yeah it's
odd you're a man todd todd todd todd hey
buddy
check out my six-pack beer
my daddy calls a beet juice here catch
it's against the rules to bring alcohol
into the dorm
oh I don't sound like the ultimate party
machine I have one but I've never had a
beer in my life he's not as cool as we
thought this is not outstanding I read
up I never had a beer I didn't like ha
ha ha
Tata Tata Tata Tata this would be R
covered
three days without an accident hmm
that's a new record for barter hi god I
can't believe a drunk just fell out of a
window
the college is turning into Hyannisport
this students RA is going to get the
chair huh
I'm the RA you see this is what happens
when you have to hire based on quotas
damn albino pressure groups until you're
clean and sober you are hereby relieved
of duty ah crap
we'll help anyone Todd are you in there
Todd where the hell is he why don't you
just holler for him hey hey Charlie
Charlie Charlie
get on down get on down hey tardy tardy
hey deke if you don't come around and
after that he ain't around or the
Coyotes called him as much as I enjoy
your backwater capering I need some
toilet paper
it might be wet but it's a darn sight
better than a dried-out corncob looking
ticket next we have a new member of the
group his name is Todd wolf Schmidt
münster knowit's no wonder he drinks I
thought we were supposed to remain
anonymous dammit I always do that oh
okay okay
the meetings are anonymous starting now
hmm dad please stand and tell us about
yourself my name is Todd it I've got it
alcoholic
son the first step to recovery is
admitting that you have a problem
Natalie just told us all what a drunken
she was and now I feel good about
how bad I feel about myself but I've
never had a drink in my life not even a
Shirley Temple but that's maybe because
I don't care for her work I find her tap
technique clumsy you have nothing to be
ashamed of except your cowardice about
facing your problem and your freakish
appearance you won't get your job back
if you don't admit you have a problem
mr. Wolfe Schmidt dammit sorry alright
if it'll make you happy I admit it I'm
an alcoholic okay I'm an alcoholic
bear that wasn't so hard now can I be an
RA again no Todd you have to complete 12
steps of soul searing hell before you
can get that monkey off your back that's
not a monkey it's scoliosis someone
needs a hug
please be careful of the hub how I just
stepped on some broken glass where'd
that come from the bottles you idiots
were throwing against the wall what are
you talking about those bottles didn't
have broken glass in them
besides someone usually vacuums that
stuff up that someone is me but I can't
sign out the vacuum cleaner because that
stupid RA hasn't been answering his door
he's signed on to do a job doesn't he
know the meaning of the word
responsibility don't be mad at him I
don't know the meaning of that word
either I think it's some kind of fish
don't bother looking for the RA he gone
what I'd seen anyone in his room for
three weeks maybe it's haunted
I smell a mystery to solve uh I give up
you mean this rooms vacant as in
available I don't know but somebody told
me it's haunted okay step four
make a complete personal inventory of
how I've heard others not it was rude to
buy low during last week's fire drill
whoa how could something so bad look so
nice
Oh
tell you how calligraphy oh darn it
now I have to start over let's all
congratulate Todd who has successfully
completed this program and to celebrate
dammit I always do that
okay okay no more drinking starting now
so can I get my RA job back right after
next week's graduation ceremony mr.
Wolff Schmitt münster knowit's no less
names dammit I'm sorry I need a drink
this isn't going very well
meetings over
she has the voice of an angel could you
keep it down I'm straddling yesterday's
hangover in today's buzz oh I do believe
I have a touch of the vapors so um my
name's Todd are you in rehab - nah I
just put away that shares at the end of
the meeting for beer money
you're in my way oh sorry here let me do
that for you
suit yourself hey where'd you go she
left already
uh-huh how will I ever know how to find
her again
she'll be here every week but you won't
after you graduate I don't want you
hanging around being a bad influence on
the others lousy drunk I called you all
here because our corridor is falling
apart and that's why I think we need to
elect a new RA
yeah that definitely yo
Oh someone who can keep the floor clean
council residents and be their friend
Joe will you shut the hell up and I
think that describes me therefore I'd
like to nominate myself you'd make an
outstanding RA Thank You Saladin
don't patronize me Triscuit so if there
are no other nominations I'll just say
food I love that mr. Sanford say it is a
great day when one of us graduates and
moves on from our group particularly
when that person is as annoying as Todd
Todd what are you is that my hat you
reek of liquor
I drank several wine coolers several
although I did mix it with some grape
soda to take a little of the edge off
what did I tell you Natalie freak boy
fell off the wagon mm-hmm
and you owe me a 12-pack now let's close
with our prayer dear God why are we such
losers amen
okay out you go hey Matt cool you
remembered my name had a tee at it I'm
gonna put those chairs away twice as
fast now come here there's something I
want to do first closer
relationships are about sharing
hey Joe
you should check out my new room it's
huge want to see it no oh okay so what
can I do for you do you need some advice
about your love life oh please I don't
need anything from you can I have the
vacuum cleaner well you got to sign it
out fine okay you got a pen and paper
and a vacuum cleaner what happened to
the vacuum what didn't happen to it Todd
may have been an ineffectual boob but at
least he cleaned up
he fluffed people's towels he changed
the lightbulbs and he threw away the
glue traps when they had mice on them
there are glue traps here I'm gonna
check that out hmm you have the most
beautiful hair don't let me get puke in
it I have a date tonight
yeah that's disgusting if I were RA I
would have had this place cleaned up and
organized by now that's the difference
between you and me I know hey don't
blame me I voted for you didn't you hear
me I was chanting your name go whoo it
looks like there's a leak out there
someone should report that to someone
hey Sydney I'm almost done doing your
job can I Drive you home tonight I'd be
great pick me up outside Andy's puppet -
if I'm not there check the dumpster or
the Indian casino
you have such a wonderful sense of humor
which further proves to me that this is
the right thing to do ow and that was
the plastic knee the one that was
supposed to last a hundred years anywho
you marry me I could never marry you
you're an alcoholic oh I'm not an
alcoholic
all right you're really ugly that I
could accept sorry dad do you remember
my name
this party is bittersweet my physical
pain is surpassed only by my emotional
pain no I was wrong about that - out out
out out out
oh-oh-oh the fires going out hey those
are my medical books well if we don't
keep the fire going the dogs will come
back this has gone on long enough
I'm taking over this floor you're out
you hear me yeah you're out standing but
seriously you did a really bad job you
stupid Triscuit no problem it was too
much work for me anyway stop arguing
it's done now we just need to find a new
RA
and because there is clearly no more
qualified candidate than myself and you
take your damn hands off of that mob
it's hot Todd's back you can't come back
now I'm the RA
I finally got my single room being an RA
is my lady I knew what steals my lady
without a fight
wait that's the ladle you use to scoop
crap out of the urinal that's right hot
sh*t fine the room in the ladle are
yours oh shut up all of you
aren't you gonna clean this place up
yeah it smells like a cesspool no it
smells like home
I'll never leave you again hey piggy
piggy piggy Hey
get out now there piggy
01x04 - My Name is Todd W.
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Show revolves around two lifelong dim-witted friends, named Sanford and Del and their misadventures at the fictional Barder College.
Show revolves around two lifelong dim-witted friends, named Sanford and Del and their misadventures at the fictional Barder College.