I used to love the nightlife and hang
out in a bar
I used to hit the button
but then I hit it
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the money Lewis
to see me guna strike my
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I gotta go buddy
I still managed to kick ass
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with all the scandals in the news many
of us wonder what the world is coming to
here's a story that will restore your
faith in mankind everyday heroes heroic
just for getting up every morning
Fontaine black blind musical lefty
masseur to the stars his nimble fingers
hobnobbing with the world's most famous
buttocks until his hands were viciously
ripped off in what only can be described
as a bad career move and blazing a
pillar of the community forced to sell
his body these five days to pay gambling
debts
and finally their leader king of the
cripples if you will
Riley O'Reilly a reformed rook an
indigent near do well a transient rummy
boozehound
Tosca alcoholic vagabond all right you
made your point who learned the negative
repercussions of being hit by a 4,000
pound luxury automobile so tell us how
do you go on I call it the five FS
friends family and my girlfriend Frannie
who is a fabulous how inspiring not to
mention the insurance payments and
shrewd investments or as I call it being
filthy stinking rich oh I didn't realize
how filthy stinking rich are you now if
I could poop I'd wipe what hundreds you
have the soul of a poet there it is the
strength of the human spirit
this is one reporter whose life has
changed after spending time with these
brave individuals with my finger firmly
up the pulse of the city I'm sassy
Maloney Bravo a stirring piece of
journalism get away I don't want to
catch a quadriplegia I'm so tired of
these feel-good Handicap stories I want
hard-hitting news like the dog wedding
we did last week what about all that
hero stuff surviving with our problems
you want problems my makeup person quit
this morning do you know how tough it is
to find a good makeup person so don't
find me a river yeah yeah I saw it all
on TV you know the camera really
flatters some people but not you guys he
looked like a bag of hell so that was
her 15 minutes somehow I thought there'd
be more to it my deal
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personally I don't think you should have
said we had stacks of money come on Mary
what's your problem with that for one
thing it's a lie oh so now I'm supposed
to start telling the truth all the time
and it attracts undesirables the lunatic
fringe hello we are the lunatic fringe
chicks dig guys with money since I don't
look that good in a bathing suit I
thought I'd just help out my case a
little bit I'm telling you this kind of
thing brings all kinds of worms out of
the woodwork hi I'm looking for my
father I gotta admit it Spaulding you're
good I'm sorry son but you have the
wrong address
your father doesn't live here tell us
where you live and we'll take you home
I say nothing till I speak to my daddy
apparently grammar isn't going to play a
part in this
it's not that I don't have sympathy for
a-blowing fatherless run away but we're
playing poker here kid Estella boy boy
Griz what about Fontaine the resemblance
oh wow
day two look alike what a coincidence
good luck blowing kid Fontaine do you
remember dipping your wick Oh about 10
years ago are you saying huh I have a
son Papa font a gorgeous no can we play
some cards imagine finding out you had a
kid after 10 years because of some news
story what steps body language it's like
they've never been apart they're
surrendering to their primal biological
instincts I admit I don't know much
about raising kids yeah it burns going
down wait what am i doing getting booze
to a child I gotta brush up on my daddy
in it just think about how amazing this
is yeah I'm done
what does our relationship mean to you
what does the future hold for Frannie
and Riley I was thinking we could rent a
movie and get some Chinese we've been
through so much together Freddie you
know how I feel about you I think it's
time to cement our relationship you
don't mean that
mmm word don't be ridiculous no we don't
need a piece of paper to validate our
love am I glad to hear that
a lot of women screw up a good
relationship with words like fidelity
and commitment what I meant was I want
to have a baby
obey me the b-word it would change the
whole dynamic of our relationship it
would make us grow as human people the
feedings the baths the funny smells as a
baby gonna get used to living with me
this is just like my daddy lure me throw
it to me son good you're a natural you
got an arm just like your old man come
on you're on fire comin at you poor
little blind black devil his mother's
probably worried sick I ran away from
home once when I was 10
well I didn't exactly leave when I came
home from school my folks had moved and
I bet mom's gonna be so relieved when I
finally find them we have to find
Grover's mother let me make a phone call
hi news chickie
it's the blaze you know from the story
last week about the crippled guys in the
mansion the rich guys yeah I'm calling
from my yacht how would you like a story
about romance sex and a runaway good and
when I'm finished I'll tell you what
happened to Fontaine you're being
selfish immature and shallow exactly
what kind of father would I have here
that it's my body clock and it's going
off that's a snooze alarm
next time it goes off I'm gonna do
something about it it's just such an
awesome responsibility me a role model
let me bring it down to your level
getting pregnant means lots and
lots of sex when do we start
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nothing bounds a man in this boy like
the great outdoors
come on pal it's late there's some Z's
calling our names
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what the hell's with the schmaltz from
mr. gray setup stick it and go to sleep
grow up this is about the art of
seduction a woman is like a flower
her tender petals yielding sweet nectar
thank God you let me clean up this
pigsty Freni deserves better than your
stick mags and dirty laundry King slam
bam lives
sounds like a cue let's go your cue
maybe this is just getting good now what
are you checking your temperature for
maximum sperm viability according to my
biofeedback chart peak fertility occurs
in did we just yes and you were
wonderful what are you doing now
aligning my negative ions with the
Earth's gravitational pull increasing
chances of insemination great work now
you can go to sleep dad
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you're the one
so when maybe some women
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this stimulates the chromosomes for
optimum impregnation I'm sorry honey you
know how much I care about you but I
can't go through with this a new
development in the maned manors story
Hey look we're on again
good work blazer
this will help Grover's mom find him
blazer
did something nice must you'll be so
cynical can't I do something out of the
goodness of my heart and possibly get a
reward so how's the baby making coming I
can't go through with this
some people make lousy parents my mom
and dad come to mind I'm another one but
Franny's heart is set on having a baby
and she'd make such a wonderful mother
oh let's face it she's just about
perfect except for her taste in men well
if she's looking for a male donor I'd be
glad to lend my humble services my sperm
is her sperm oh I wouldn't mind getting
in on that action I didn't semmen ate
her brains out right here in the kitchen
jealous I wonder if I could ever bring
myself to touch one of them then I'd
bend her over to couch and inseminate
her again
maybe if I just close my eyes and think
of her big blonde Bondi
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then I take her outside in a grass and
yes guys this is my girlfriend you're
talking about
yeah show some respect to the woman he
loves
thank you and count me in on the bouquet
Freddie bandwagon but I'm not going last
good morning fellas hi Frannie come into
the living room I have a surprise those
one last night Jen and we learned some
important safety tips about toasting
marshmallows didn't we I got a surprise
for you sir what is it daddy you can
look now
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well hello remember me the paralyzed guy
who owns the house oops sorry
are you pregnant oh not yet but soon and
I want you fellas to get used to having
a baby around I'll drink to that
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I'm sure real baby arms are much
stronger oh I envy you Franny he'll
never know the joys of motherhood the
skyrocketing estrogen levels the raging
hormones coursing through your veins
however my breaths are very tender
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you've ready all this pressure I don't
know if I can perform oh oh poor baby
I'm sorry it's put so much stress on you
I thought you might have a little
problem but it's all taken care of
I picked this up at the cattle breeding
clinic it helps the foals make a
donation now let me just turn it on
there's gonna be a low setting
now you should be finished in a couple
of minutes
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thanks for coming with me Grizz
well when they told me you were doing
something sneaky and dishonest I knew I
was your man Frannie we'll never know
I'll get all the slap and tickle I want
but no babies it's brilliant
mr. O'Reilly you didn't specify what
plan you wanted Oh what are my choices
with the deluxe you get a license dr.
anaesthetic and a vasectomy village
balloon what's the other plan with the
basic you get Carlos our gardener and
his weed back
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Europe mr. O'Reilly mr. O'Reilly come on
that I read that microwaves will
sterilize you yeah there we go
right now I'd put it on for about Oh two
minutes that should cook Everton pretty
good day I know this had hurt if I could
feel anything
it's getting real of course what are we
thinking it's like a potato if you don't
pick them with a fork they'll explode no
no don't [ __ ] my boys Riley are you okay
Riley Jesus had cold what am I gonna do
I know I'll have a drink
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hello I'm Claudia you have my son when I
found out he was gone I panicked then I
saw that news report on TV hard to
believe for once in his life Blizzard
did the right thing you guys are never
gonna let me forget it are you
it's ruined my reputation hmm tell us
about the night Grover was conceived it
was exactly ten years ago this June baby
was red-hot the kind of hot it gets
under a man's skin makes him more crazy
who was full everything about it was
magic it was a night of pure animal
passion that's the most beautiful thing
I ever heard that's exactly how I
remember it
except
I was out for my morning run when out of
nowhere this guy stumbles into my path
and that was it
now that's the most beautiful story I
ever heard anyway nice meeting y'all but
I've got to take Grover home oh don't go
let Grover needs is daddy you could live
here maybe we could work things out
I've been glad to fall on daddy again is
for the best son the don't worry we stay
in touch I promise
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okay let's go Grover Grover oh you mean
that there wasn't your car you know
honey I've been doing a lot of
soul-searching
maybe we should continue the bloodline
so that we live on after we're gone oh
that's a beautiful sentiment and I'm so
glad you feel that way but I've been
thinking too and is this the world we
want to bring a child into not until we
have clean air and water and and ginkgo
biloba available to everyone
soy products in every kitchen maybe then
we can have a child but who knows how
long it's gonna take
we could miss out on our most fertile
years hmm how about this just in case we
freeze my eggs and your sperm jeez
Franny yeah watch that costs we don't
have that kind of money well we can do
it right here yeah there's plenty of
room in your freezer
another family reunited another happy
ending thanks to the nose for news team
I'm sassy Maloney saying I'm sassy
Maloney that turns out great thanks for
the tip I can't believe I'm getting my
own talk show I really appreciate you
financing it's no problem Baby Cakes rub
daddy's ears couldn't sleep either ice
I've been a crazy couple of days thought
maybe a little snack is Ella's down I'll
find us something tasty
hmm Frannie and Riley we shouldn't eat
their food Oh whatever it is we can
replace it actually looks pretty good
someone hand me the frying pan
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