08x10 - COVID-19 vaccine and vaccine hesitancy

[bunniefuu]

John: hi there!

Welcome to the show.

Still coming to you from this

Blank void.

We were off last week,

But interestingly, it seems

The void wasn't, because

"Mortal kombat" was released

Last weekend, and apparently,

This happens:

[Lightning bolts strike]

Where are we?

We are in the void.

It is the realm between your

World and mine.

John: what the f*ck?

The void is taking other jobs

Now?

Although it's clearly been

The breakout character of

This show in the last year,

So I shouldn't really be

Surprised it's doing cameos

Elsewhere on hbo max.

It is so white and depressing,

I genuinely confused it for

"Mare of easttown."

Look, it's been another

Crazy week, from biden making

His first address to congress,

To the news that boris johnson's

Phone number has somehow been

Available online for the past



Home being raided by the fbi.

An event I'm honestly surprised

He didn't accidentally stream

Live on twitch by sitting

On his phone.

But we're actually going to dive

Straight in with our main story

Tonight, which concerns

The covid vaccines.

The end result of the world's

Greatest scientists working

Around the clock to save

Countless lives, immortalized

In a card we'll all definitely

Lose in a month.

Vitally important, but also

Too big to fit in any standard

Wallet?

Way to fumble at the one yard

Line, science.

And not that we needed it,

But this week saw yet another

Reminder of just how dangerous

Covid is, with cases in india

In particular surging at

A truly terrifying rate.

India set a world record

For daily covid cases of

Over 400,000, and that is

Probably an undercount.

And obviously, the world

Should be doing everything

It can to help india right now.

But our best way out of this

Mess, long-term, is clearly

Vaccines.

And it's worth remembering,

We in the u.s. Are incredibly

Fortunate... We currently have

Access to a lot of vaccines,

And more than half of

U.s. Adults have now gotten

At least one dose,

Which is great.

The bad news is, some

Vaccination locations have

Already gone from having

Not enough supply to

Not enough demand.

According to the cdc,

The daily average for

Vaccinations has dropped 20%

Since the start of the month.

A worrying trend.

Vaccine demand declining in

South carolina, some providers

Left with extra doses and

Appointments wide open.

Palm beach county healthcare

District says it is now facing



County's vaccine sites remain

Unfilled since they opened

This week.

Appointments are going

Unfilled.

We've got thousands of

Appointments available over

The next few weeks and... And

No takers at this point.

John: it's true.

A worrying amount

Of people are holding off on

Getting the free covid vaccine.

And I'm not saying you should

Immediately get something just

Because it's free.

I wouldn't recommend getting

These old dolls on craigslist

Just because they're free.

They're weird, broken, and

Will k*ll you in your sleep.

But these vaccines could save

Not just your life, but the

Lives of people around you.

And it's genuinely dispiriting

That just a few months into

The vaccine rollout,

We're already at this point.

And the problem is, for the

Coronavirus, the "herd immunity

Threshold" is thought to be

Between 70 and 90% of the

Population.

But a survey found that while



Or want to get, the vaccine,

Another 18% say "maybe," and 22%

Say "no."

And if you're thinking,

"Well, if every "maybe" gets

The vaccine, that puts us at



Unfortunately, that poll doesn't

Take into account children, who

We're not vaccinating right now,

And who make up around 22%

Of the population.

So we need to get the vaccine

In as many adults as possible,

As soon as possible.

And that means you really need

To get vaccinated.

And obviously, I mean

The collective "you," but also

You, mike.

Mike in baltimore.

I know you've got this on in

The background at work

On monday, so listen to me.

Schedule your vaccine, mike.

Don't say you're gonna

"Look into it later."

Just google "vaccine finder

Baltimore," it takes seconds.

Here are a list of vaccine sites

In your area.

And if you're thinking,

"Ehh, I'm not sure I need it,

Joe rogan says I'm probably

Fine."

Look, it's true, you might not

Get seriously sick from covid...

Or sick at all... You could

Still inadvertently pass it to

Someone, who could then die.

And before you say, "well,

Vulnerable people should just

Get vaccinated, then"... The

Vaccines are only 95% effective,

Mike.

So they'll probably be okay,

But maybe not.

Also, the more the virus

Circulates, the likelier we'll

See mutations that make it more

Dangerous, possibly helping it

To evade the vaccine completely,

Putting us back at square one.

So get the f*cking vaccine,

Mike!

The point is, there is

A problematic amount of

Vaccine hesitancy right now,

Even among people who you'd

Really like to think would not

Need convincing.

We met robert gannon before

He went in to visit his



Was on a ventilator right now in

The icu due to covid.

Had she been vaccinated?

She was not vaccinated.

I think she was being hesitant,

Just wanting to see how things

Played out.

Have you been vaccinated?

I have not.

What would it take for you to

Get vaccinated?

Mmm...

I'd want to make sure that it's

Safe.

John: wow.

There is perhaps no clearer sign

Of just how deep vaccine

Hesitancy runs than someone

In that guy's position still

Questioning whether to get it.

Instead of asking, "is there

Such a thing as too much

Vaccine?

Because if not, I'm going back

For injections until I'm around



So given all of that, tonight,

Let's talk about the covid

Vaccines... Why people are

Hesitant, what their worries

Are, and how they might be

Reassured.

And let's start with the fact

You can't characterize any one

Group as uniformly

Vaccine-hesitant.

No demographic is a monolith.

Every group will have some who

Are excited, and others who are

Anxious.

And different groups will be

Anxious for different reasons.

For instance, early on,

You probably heard a lot about

Hesitancy among some

Black americans.

Which can be a real thing...

Even this pediatrician had

Reservations.

When the vaccine was first

Made available to both of you,

Did you both jump at the chance

To get it?

No.

No.

I mean, not me anyway.

I am black first in this

Country, and that has with it

A lot of baggage, to tell you

The truth.

And so, to my public health

Degree, the culminating

Experience that I did was

Related to the relationship

Between black people and

Physicians.

And that relationship has been

A cantankerous one.

And so those are the kinds of

Things that are deeply embedded

And challenging to overcome,

Even within someone who's

A scientist.

John: honestly, I do

Understand that.

We've talked before about

The fraught relationship

Black americans have with

Health care, based on both

Current bad experiences,

And the history of incidents

Like the tuskegee experiment,

Where doctors lied to black men,

Allowing them to suffer from

Untreated syphilis over decades.

Or, as most u.s. History

Students would describe it:

"Something I have not heard of."

Although it feels important to

Mention that that doctor did

Wind up getting the vaccine.

And, in general, black vaccine

Hesitancy has dropped fast.

Another group you might have

Heard have high hesitancy rates

Are republicans, and that's

Also true.

Around 30% of republicans say

They won't get it.

And it's not hard to see why...

Fears and doubts about the

Vaccine have flown around

Conservative media, with one of

The most prominent

Superspreaders being this guy.

What about this vaccine?

Why are americans being

Discouraged from asking simple,

Straightforward questions about

It?

Questions like, how effective

Are these dr*gs?

Are they safe?

Do you need a reason to turn

Down the vaccine?

And what happens if you do

Turn it down?

Will you be allowed to fly on

Airplanes?

Or go to work?

Or enter the front doors of

Madison square garden?

Oh, now they're telling us

The vaccine has a delayed

Response.

Okay, delayed by how long?

They don't say.

If vaccines work, why are

Vaccinated people still banned

From living normal lives?

Honestly, what's the answer to

That?

So maybe it doesn't work and

They're simply not telling you

That.

Well, you hate to think that,

Especially if you've gotten

Two sh*ts, but what's the other

Potential explanation?

John: okay, it's genuinely

Weird to see someone hosting a

Show on a supposed news network,

And ending every sentence with

A question mark.

Especially when answers to most

Of those questions are out there

For anyone who cares to know.

So, for instance, that last

Complaint that the cdc still

Recommends wearing masks indoors

When around vulnerable

Unvaccinated people does not

Mean the vaccine doesn't work.

Clinical trials found that

Vaccines are spectacularly

Successful at preventing people

From getting serious disease.

As for whether they protect

You from spreading the virus,

The trials weren't designed to

Assess that.

But evidence so far indicates

They drastically reduce

Transmission.

The reason we still see mask and

Distancing recommendations is

That the cdc is being cautious,

And wants to be sure it's not

Spreading bullshit around

During a global pandemic

Like a frozen dinner duke

With a tv show.

Anyway, I hope that answers at

Least one of your gape-mouthed

Bad-faith wonderings, you

Scrunch-faced fear-baboon.

And the problem is, when people

Like tucker "raise questions"

Without bothering to answer

Them, there's a lot of

Misinformation out there for

People to then stumble on.

Anti-vaccine groups have been

Waiting for a moment like this

To spread doubt, and the scary

Thing is, they don't actually

Need to convince people they're

Right.

They just need to convince

People that no one is.

And that tracks with recent

Polling.

While few believe specific myths

About the vaccine, larger

Numbers said they didn't know

Whether particular myths were

True or false.

For instance, only 4% of people

Believe the covid vaccine is

More deadly than the disease,

But 25% say they don't know.

And that is not good.

Flashback

Because if anti-vaxxers

Can simply spread enough

Misinformation to cause people

To throw up their hands and say,

"I just don't know enough to get

The sh*t," they've already

Seriously f*cked things up for

All of us.

And to be clear, most people who

Are hesitant are not fanatics or

Conspiracy theorists.

Many are just trying to make

The best decision for themselves

And their family, like that

Pediatrician we saw earlier.

You definitely know people

Like that in your life.

So I'm actually going to spend

The rest of this piece trying to

Clear up some of the biggest

Myths flying around.

And some are easy to debunk

Quickly, like the claims that

Bill gates is using the vaccine

To put a microchip in all of us

...something his wife had this

Response to.

I know my husband is not

Vaccinating people and putting

A microchip in their arm because

That technology doesn't even

Exist and he's never uttered

The words out of his mouth, so.

[Laughs]

John: [laughs]

Okay.

That wasn't the reassuring

Pushback to a batshit conspiracy

Theory that I'd hoped for.

"We're not microchipping people

Because the technology doesn't

Exist... Yet... And my husband

Hasn't said it out loud to me."

Why would you put it like that?

There are lots of things

A husband won't say out loud

To his wife.

Not dark things, just things.

Quiet thoughts a partner

Might not be ready to hear.

Like how, sometimes, late at

Night, I think: wouldn't it be

Nice to live in an egg?

An egg, to be in.

Not just an oval-shaped

Sleeping pod... I can get an

Oval shaped sleeping pod,

Nobody wants one of those.

I mean an egg.

A big egg with me in it, or

Maybe a normal egg, and I'm

Small, it doesn't matter.

What matters is I'm in an egg.

Not alone.

I'm with the gloop, too,

It's just me and the gloop.

No opening, no windows, no way

To ever know if it's morning or

Night, so you know what time

It is, all the time?

Egg time.

Just egg-time for me and

The gloop.

Sometimes it's warmer, and

That's when I feel safest.

Sometimes I can tell I'm being

Carried, or moved about and it's

Jarring enough that I'm nervous,

But not so rough that I'm

Panicking, and you can shake me.

But make sure not to do it hard

Because, remember, I'm fragile.

I am egg.

The point is, you can't say that

To melinda gates, she'd never

Understand.

What wife could?

Anyway.

For the record, there are no

Microchips in the covid vaccine.

That rumor is based on the fact

The gates foundation funded

Research years ago, which is

Frequently taken out of context.

In that study, researchers

Looked into creating an

Invisible ink that could

Potentially be injected along

With a vaccine in order for

Populations like refugee kids

To be able to retain vaccine

Records without paperwork.

Over time, the original context

Was lost, contorted, and kind of

Telephoned its way into becoming

"Something something bill gates

Microchips" on facebook.

A claim which, if you think

About it for just a second,

Doesn't make sense.

Because if your main concern

Is that bill gates could use

Microchips to track you,

He can already do that!

That's what your f*cking

Phone is!

Now, another, more

Reasonable-sounding, concern has

To do with just how fast

The vaccine came together.

I wouldn't want to get it.

I felt like it was too rushed.

I think the whole thing has

Been rushed through too fast.

It kind of came really fast,

Like, the vaccine.

They made up one really fast.

It was done way too quick.

I just... I don't feel

Comfortable with taking it,

Not any time soon.

I think that they're using

The... The public as

Guinea pigs.

John: right, and that doesn't

Sound good.

No one wants to be a guinea pig.

Although, I don't really know

Why.

Being a guinea pig seems really

Great.

You can eat a pepper while

Wearing the stem as a little

Hat.

Run around a tiny city made of

Cardboard.

And best of all: you get to use

The "guinea pig bridge."

Guinea pig bridge!

Guinea pig bridge transporting

Guinea pigs from point a to

Point b.

Utilizing the latest guinea pig

Bridge technology...

John: yeah.

Being a guinea pig has its

Upsides.

That's all I'm saying.

The infrastructure alone

Is incredible.

But that's clearly not the

Concern those people have.

Their worry is that we're being

Used "as guinea pigs" for

A rushed, untested vaccine.

It's an understandable thing

To worry about, even if some

Express it in less-than-ideal

Ways.

Tell me why you're concerned.

Six words: testing, testing,

Testing, testing, and more

Testing.

It's important if you're going

To put something into your body

That it's absolutely and totally

Tested.

John: I'll tell you what

I admire about that guy:

His confidence.

Because I don't think I've seen

Anyone more self-assured than

The man who just promised six

Words, said seven, and counted

Five, all without even

Flinching.

That guy is so secure in his

Thinking, he can be wrong about

Numbers on camera twice and

Do it with a smile.

But it's worth understanding

Exactly how the vaccine was able

To come to market so fast.

Because researchers had been

Working on vaccines against

Other coronaviruses for years.

So when covid-19 hit, they had

A significant head start.

"Operation warp speed," as it

Was famously called, wasn't

About rushing the science.

It was about significantly

Cutting through bureaucracy

That could have otherwise slowed

It down, as this vaccine

Researcher explains.

Did you ever imagine that

We'd be able to develop a

Vaccine in 12 to 18 months?

The short answer is no.

We're able to compress the

Timeline, so that things we

Would normally do in a linear

Fashion, a to b, we actually

Start the f and the e

At the same time as a and b.

John: exactly.

Flashback

They took steps

That usually happen

Sequentially, and saved time by

Running them simultaneously.

And to be honest, I'm envious of

That level of efficiency.

I'd save so much time every

Morning if I could sh*t, shower,

Shave, eat breakfast, kiss my

Family, and brush my teeth

All at the same time.

Unfortunately, I've only ever

Managed to do three of them

At once.

But I'm so close to

That fourth one.

Another concern you may have

Heard or seen online, is that

The pfizer and moderna vaccines

Are the first authorized to use

Messenger rna.

Which is true.

But that's given rise to

Speculation about what mrna

Is capable of doing.

Basically, anyone taking

These vaccines... They're all

Designed to do the same thing...

Is going to have neurological

Disorders within one year.

Most of the people taking the

Vaccine will be dead within 10.

Let me tell you something: you

Take the mrna, it creates plaque

In your brain and gives

You alzheimer's and I got

The studies too.

So, hey!

You think they just put fluoride

In the water to dumb you down?

Whoo!

John: man, alex jones is

Having a blast.

No one else has as much fun

While making the world

A worse place to live in.

It's like he invented a jetpack

That sprays everyone beneath him

With human sh*t.

But there is absolutely no

Evidence or credible studies

Supporting any of what he just

Said.

As for the claim that mrna

Vaccines modify your dna, it is

Very important to know that

The vaccine's mrna does not

Enter our genome.

It does its work far from the

Cell's nucleus, which is where

Your dna is.

But the fear of what the vaccine

Contains, or what it could do to

You, seems to be common.

Some evangelicals are concerned

It contains cells from aborted

Fetuses... Which it does not.

Others worry that it could

Change the body's inner

Workings.

You might have had a friend tell

You they're worried the vaccines

Cause infertility.

Those rumors were fueled by a

Blog post, which falsely claimed

That pfizer's vaccine contained

Ingredients capable of "training

The female body to att*ck

A protein that plays a crucial

Role in the development of

The placenta."

But a few things there.

First, experts say of that

Claim, "it's a myth, it's

Inaccurate.

There is no evidence

To support it."

And there's already pretty good

Proof that pfizer's vaccine

Doesn't cause infertility,

Because during the trials

Last year, multiple women became

Pregnant, and the only one who

Suffered a pregnancy loss was

Given the placebo.

So it's just not true.

And the final myth you may have

Heard is that the risks from

The vaccine are somehow greater

Than the risks of covid.

That is a perception fed by

The constant circulation of

Misleading headlines about

People falling ill or dying

After getting their sh*t.

For instance, you may have seen

This story that was widely

Shared about 23 people in

Norway dying within a week of

Getting the sh*t.

Which does sound scary, but that

Headline is missing some pretty

Major context.

While those people did die,

At that point in norway, the

Vaccine was being administered

To the oldest or sickest people.

And a certain percentage of them

Were, statistically, going to

Die that week, vaccine or

No vaccine.

On average, 400 people die each

Week in nursing homes in norway.

And when the world health

Organization reviewed those

Incidents, they didn't find

Any unexpected or untoward

Increase in fatalities.

Which makes sense... Correlation

Isn't causation.

The vaccine protects against

Covid, not the concept of

Mortality.

It is weird that I have to

Clarify this, but you are,

In fact, going to die one day,

Mike.

Yeah, mike.

Stop listening to what joe rogan

Tells you.

He's a f*cking moron... His

Words, not mine.

That also goes for stories

You might see hyping up

Scary-sounding data from vaers

...the vaccine adverse event

Reporting system.

It's a database that collects

Stories of medical events

Following vaccinations.

But any layperson has to treat

Data coming out of it with

Extreme caution.

Because reports can be entered

By anyone and are not routinely

Verified... One researcher once

Claimed that the flu vaccine

Turned him into the hulk, and

That report was accepted and

Entered into the database.

Which is completely absurd.

A drug can't turn you into

The hulk, although it can turn

You into captain america,

The only superhero whose origin

Story is "a metric ton of

Experimental n*zi steroids."

And if we're just going to share

Random, unverified side effects,

I might as well show you this

Truly shocking video about what

Might well happen to your mom.

So my mom got the vaccine

Because she's a healthcare

Worker and she told me she's

Experiencing some side effects.

Mom, what's that side effect

You said you're experiencing?

Being a boss ass bitch.

John: very good.

And look, I'm not saying vaers

Is useless.

It very much isn't.

The reason the cdc collects data

From it is so, if a pattern does

Emerge, actions can be taken...

That's exactly what happened

With the johnson & johnson sh*t.

The cdc found a potential

Pattern of rare blood clots

And paused the rollout

Under an abundance of caution.

And while some vaccine skeptics

Pointed to that as evidence they

Were right about vaccines being

Dangerous, in reality, it kind

Of proves the opposite.

That the safety risk of vaccines

Is rigorously and publicly

Analyzed, not secretly buried

And somehow leaked to the human

Football's neon scream hour.

And none of this is to say that

There are no side effects to

The vaccines.

There can be.

It's just that serious ones like

Anaphylaxis are incredibly rare

...4.7 cases per million for

Pfizer, two and a half cases

Per million for moderna... And

You should know, those also

Occur mostly in individuals with

A history of severe allergies.

The fact is, the vast majority

Of people can expect, at most,

Typical cold or flu symptoms

In the first few days after

Their sh*t, or maybe just

A sore arm, or nothing at all.

For what it's worth: I got my

Second sh*t this thursday, my

Arm hurt a little bit for a day,

But that's basically it.

I will say... The following

Afternoon, for a couple of

Hours, I did feel a little like

A boss ass bitch, but it passed

Quickly.

And anyway, the key thing to

Remember is that no "side

Effect" of the vaccine is worse

Than the alternative: covid,

A disease that's k*lled over



Alone, while, once again,

To date, the vaccine has been

Proven to k*ll exactly zero.

So it's more than natural

To have questions.

But there are reassuring answers

Out there.

And anyone just throwing out

Questions without acknowledging

That probably has another agenda

Entirely.

But the problem is, to get

Anywhere close to herd immunity,

We badly need to convince anyone

Who can be convinced.

The question is, how do we do

That?

Well, some republican lawmakers,

To their credit, have tried to

Reassure their voters.

Although occasionally those

Attempts have looked like this.

Live free and beauty

Surrounds you.

The world still astounds you

Each time you look at a star.

I'm senator john kennedy.

I can't sing very well,

But I'm free.

Be free.

Be cool.

Get the vaccine.

I did, it works.

John: okay.

I don't love that, and not just

Because it's the worst thing to

Come out of a kennedy's mouth

Since the back of a kennedy's

Head... But also because,

The truth is, that probably

Didn't convince anyone.

In researching this piece,

Experts repeatedly told us that

The vaccine hesitant generally

Don't respond well to hearing

From politicians, celebrities,

Or athletes telling them to get

The vaccine.

And I get that.

I'd love to think that I could

End this piece, having carefully

Laid out some data,

With a triumphant call for

People to get vaccinated,

Featuring a mascot of some

Incongruous animal like,

I dunno, a vaccine cicada.

You don't think that's something

I'd be interested in doing?

The truth is, we actually did

That.

We had a vaccine cicada costume

Made.

But after being advised that

This technique wouldn't be

Remotely effective in convincing

People who were hesitant, we

Scrapped the idea completely.

We emailed our mascot guy and

Told him not to come in.

Because it was an absolutely

Stupid idea.

A vaccine cicada?

Can you imagine how dumb that

Would look?

It probably wouldn't end up even

Looking like a cicada, more like

Some kind of unhinged cockroach.

It was a terrible concept

That could have fundamentally

Undermined the very important

Message that we were trying to

Send, and I'm so glad we avoided

Making that mistake.

The truth is, I'm not going to

Be able to convince the people

In your life who are hesitant.

The person with the best chance

Of doing that is you.

So if you know someone worried,

For whatever reason, and you

Want to convince them otherwise,

Do not show them this video.

But maybe do try and use some of

The information inside it to

Tell them yourself and when

You're doing that, try not to

Dismiss or judge them for having

Doubts.

And I know that's not always

Easy.

I could have given that guy

A pass for holding up the wrong

Number of fingers.

I couldn't do it!

I don't have that level of

Restraint!

I'm a small, petty man, and that

Guy is a f*cking idiot!

But if you think you can

Do better, it is incredibly

Important that you try.

Or, to put it in terms that that

Guy could understand: I've got

Two words for you: please just

Try as hard as you can.

And now: this.

Announcer: and now...

Dana perino grew up on a ranch.

To speak of the democrats are

Plowing old ground over and

Over again, and I grew up on a

Ranch.

Mount rushmore, one of my

Very favorite places.

Went there every year as a kid

To visit, near my grandparents'

Ranch.

In my ranch, we had a dog named

Choco and my sister and I

Brought home a cat from the

Ranch.

In newcastle, wyoming, and my

Grandpa's ranch.

That is or my grandfather's

Ranch.

My grandfather's ranch.

He got me a pony named sally.

My first pony was named

Sally.

When I was a baby, my

Grandfather bought me a baby.

Her name was allie.

I had a pony named sally.

I had some other animals.

My grandfather's ranch.

My grandfather on my fathers

Side up at the ranch.

Interesting, having grown up

In the mountain west, ranching

Family, that is where I come

From.

Ranching family.

Ranching family.

I remember growing up on the

Ranch.

I love early mornings,

Growing up on a ranch.

I grew up in a cattle ranch.

The ranch.

Ranch.

I want to hear more about

That ranch experience someday,

Dana.

John: moving on.

Finally tonight, a quick word

About twitter, the platform

Where hbo once tweeted this

Pointless list comparing their

Shows to different types of milk

And leaving us out.

Which is ridiculous.

We even responded at the time,

"Why aren't we milk?"

And we never heard back.

And who is more milk in

The hbo universe than this show?

We're both bland, white

Substances that if ingested

Too quickly will absolutely

Wreck the rest of your evening.

Plus, everything about my visual

Appearance screams:

I was just sh*t out of an

Udder.

We've talked before about how

Corporations routinely fail to

Get what twitter should be for

...which is pictures of long boi

Ducks and photos of gritty

Holding a rock to his ear and

Saying he can hear the ocean.

But it's not just corporations.

Government accounts can also

Be desperate to appear fun on

Twitter.

Take the u.s. Consumer product

Safety commission.

On wednesday, they tweeted out

This image of a kid on their

Father's shoulders,

Looking out at a giant,

Tentacled washing machine,

With no explanation beyond

The caption, "america."

That wasn't even the weirdest

Thing they tweeted this week.

On monday, they tweeted this

Picture of a giant wasp in a

Family kitchen with the caption,

"It's not always this easy to

Find something dangerous

In your home.

Check for unsafe products on

Safer.products.gov."

And guess what hashtag they

Included?

Look at this image closely and

Say your guess out loud now.

You're absolutely wrong!

It was #lesbianvisibilityday.

And let's agree: that's

Definitely the representation

The lesbian community has been

Looking for... A reminder that

They, too, can be att*cked by

Radioactive wasps in a

Blindingly dull kitchen.

You can't be what you can't see.

And look, I do get they're just

Trying to go viral.

But it's now hard to see one of

Their serious tweets about

Product recalls, like this one

From thursday about a pool

Heater that can catch on fire,

Without thinking, "why is the

Account that once tweeted this

Picture of a cat riding

A pegasus trying to give me

Safety advice?

Pick a f*cking lane."

Even the cia has tried to

Be a fun online presence,

With tweets like this

"Decipher the code" brain

Teaser, the answer to which is:

Roses are red, violets are blue.

Happy valentine's day from

The cia to you!"

Which not only isn't charming,

It's also the code phrase

Triggering a ukrainian sleeper

Agent to pick up his sn*per

r*fle and get to work.

The one government account that

Seems to know what it's doing is

New jersey's state account, who

Once replied to the question,

"Who let new jersey have a

Twitter?"

With the answer, "your mom."

And also replied to a tweet

Making fun of the state with,

"That's not what your mom said."

Which is absolutely excellent.

They know what their brand is:



Have plowed our mothers nightly.

And they execute it well.

But perhaps the saddest example

Of government twitter is the

U.s. Cyber command's national

Mission force account, which

Last year tweeted this image of

A russian bear dropping candy,

Labeled with different types of

Malware.

And what exactly was the point

Of this?

Did they think this would

Go viral and everyone would

Suddenly be into cybersecurity

Alerts?

Did they think drake would

Retweet it with a bunch of

Fire emojis?

Or that the russian government

Would reply with, "f*ck, you got

Us again!"

Well, apparently, the rationale

Within cyber command was,

"Russia hates to be seen as

Cuddly or cozy, so we want to

Tick them off."

And they tried to do that with

This meme.

Which took a depressing amount

Of effort.

Thanks to a freedom of

Information request, we now know

That, from start to finish,

The picture of that soviet bear

Dropping malware candy took





For that!

That is pathetic.

Especially when you consider

That, to date, it's got

A grand total of 441 likes.



That is less than 1% of

The likes that hank from

"Breaking bad" got for this

Tweet revealing that he's horny

For sex gifs.

The point is, government twitter

Accounts, please, stop trying to

Be funny.

Stop making bad memes.

Stop trying to dunk on foreign

Adversaries.

And stop using hashtags where

They're completely irrelevant.

If you're going to take anything

Away from this, let it be that

You're trying way too hard,

And that for some absolutely

Inexplicable reason,

This show is not milk.

Why are we not milk?

That's our show, thank you so

Much for watching.

We'll see you next week.

Good night!

[Ocean waves and seagulls]