10x16 - Abortion rights

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to "Last Week Tonight"!
I'm John Oliver.

Thank you so much for joining us.
It has been a busy week.

Israel continued to reject calls
for even a humanitarian pause

until its hostages are returned,
while its relentless bombing of Gaza

hit both a refugee camp
and an ambulance.

Meanwhile, here in the U.S.,
Sam Bankman-Fried

was found guilty on seven counts
of fraud and conspiracy,

and Ron DeSantis continued
to be dogged by allegations

that he wears lifts in his boots,

something that prompted
this actual Politico headline,

"3 Expert Shoemakers
Say Ron DeSantis

Is Probably Wearing
Height Boosters",

and Donald Tr*mp
to share an image captioned,

"Tell me he's not wearing
hidden heels."

This week, DeSantis responded
to that with his trademark wit.

I know Donald Tr*mp
and a lot of his people

have been focusing
on things like footwear.

I'll tell you this!

If Donald Tr*mp can summon
the balls to show up to the debate,

I'll wear a boot on my head.
This is a time for substance.

What? Okay, first, you can't claim
it's a time for substance

just after promising
to wear a boot on your head.

But second,
you're so bad at this.

Even if you weren't running against
one of the world's greatest bullies,

it looks so pathetic that you thought
that was a good comeback.

Never before
has a politician had such

"kid with the rolling backpack
wearing a tie to class" energy.

There'll be plenty of time to talk
about the 2024 elections, in 2024.

But we're gonna dive
straight into our main story tonight,

which concerns the elections happening
around the country in two days.

There is the usual barrage of negative
campaign ads happening right now,

perhaps none more memorable than
this one, in a Pennsylvania DA race.

You've seen those motivational signs
people have in their offices?

Matt Dugan's office
had a sign, too.

As reported by a KDKA announcer,

it reads: "f… the police".

That is a striking ad.

Dugan has pushed back on that,
saying that's not actually his office,

it belonged to a different attorney.

But, if so, I now want to know
everything about them instead,

because they have to be
the only person in the world

who has a "f*ck the police"
sign next to a bobblehead

of what appears
to be James Madison.

That is next to a statue of Audrey II
from "Little Shop of Horrors",

which in turn is next to a bobblehead
of Teddy Roosevelt.

Those are not usually
shared interests.

That fascinating individual
contains multitudes.

But while some local races
are understandably focused

on "live, laugh,
f*ck the police" office signage,

many others will be focused
on reproductive rights.

Abortion is a huge issue
in the Kentucky governor's race,

and the race to control
Virginia's State Senate.

And in Ohio,
there's an amendment on the ballot

to enshrine the right to abortion
in the state constitution.

So, tonight,
let's talk about abortion.

As you know, 16 months ago,

the Supreme Court's Dobbs decision
overturned Roe v. Wade.

And since then,
it may've been tempting,

especially if you live in a state
unimpacted by the Dobbs ruling,

to avoid watching
the fallout from it too closely,

knowing how depressing
it would be.

And I'll be honest,
things are bleak.

But it's important
to understand exactly how bleak.

Currently, 14 states have enacted
near total abortion bans,

and two have imposed
six-week limits.

And those bans have prompted
many to desperately try

to maintain abortion access
for those who need it,

and sometimes
in truly imaginative ways.

A California doctor is proposing
a floating abortion clinic

as a way to bypass laws in some states
that are restricting the procedure.

She says the clinic would operate
on a boat floating in federal waters

just off the Gulf of Mexico,

so technically making it out of reach
to any state laws here.

Lawless territory,
no rules, anything goes.

It's not only a foolproof plan,

it's also the literal premise
for the movie "Money Plane".

No, you didn't hallucinate
that during peak Covid.

There really was a film about
a casino in the sky full of thieves,

cartels, and arms dealers,
who can never be arrested

because the money plane is always
moving in international airspace.

If you haven't seen it, you should
stop watching this show right now,

and go watch that instead.

If you pop an edible immediately,

it should start to kick in right around
when you meet the film's villain,

Darius Emmanuel Grouch III,

AKA "The Rumble",
played by Kelsey Grammer,

and he explains
the money plane like this.

Whatever you want to wager on,
the money plane has you covered.

You wanna bet on a dude f*cking
an alligator? Money plane.

Yes. f*cking yes!

That movie is real. It is the
"Frasier" reboot that we deserved.

Anyway, back to abortion.

The Dobbs decision caused
immediate confusion and panic.

Especially in states that had
"trigger laws" already on the books,

which kicked in
almost immediately,

causing chaos for both patients
and abortion providers.

As soon as we heard the decision,
we closed everything down,

leaving over 70 women
in Wisconsin

with appointments
that we weren't able to do for them.

I remember asking
"When is the law gonna change?

How much time
do we have to get ready for it?"

and they started to text back and say
"The law has changed right now".

We called patients, it's, like
"I'm already on my way".

And they thought
"I'm on my way. It'll be okay".

And it's, like, no, it's immediate.
It's immediate.

Someone canceling plans
when you're already on your way

is annoying in any circumstance,

but it is different
when that plan is an abortion.

If dinner plans fall through,
that is a bummer,

but it won't end with something
"Alien"-ing out of your body.

Unless, that is, you reschedule
that dinner to Long John Silver's.

Now, thankfully, abortion
remains legal in many states,

so at least theoretically,

someone needing one can travel
to one of those states instead.

But as this doctor points out,

in practice,
that can be incredibly difficult.

We have such inequality
that, for some, it's as easy as

"Okay, let's take a weekend trip
to Colorado to get your abortion".

And for someone else, it's a
completely life-altering thing

that you have no control over,
and you're forced to give birth.

The trajectory of those two people's
lives are completely different.

It's true. For many, traveling
across state lines isn't feasible,

even before you consider that
in states where abortion remains legal,

it is not like they've had
a sudden surge in providers

to handle out-of-state patients.

So, there are now
significant backlogs,

meaning that "women
who travel to another state

may have more difficulty
getting appointments,"

and "it may even become
hard for those living in some states

where it remains legal."

Which clearly isn't great!

Abortion isn't one of those things that
you can keep putting off indefinitely,

like taking up pottery
or figuring out who these guys are

and why they're like that.

I say this with zero malice.
They seem very wholesome.

I just don't really understand
what their whole deal is.

I am gonna get around to it,
but to be honest, it's not a priority.

And some are resorting
to drastic measures.

Listen to this woman,

who did manage to get across state
lines to New Mexico for an abortion,

describe what's happened
to her friends who weren't able to.

What would you have done if you
couldn't come to New Mexico?

God, who knows?

'Cause I was already
asking people like,

"What could I do?"

I've known some women to just
kind of take it into their own hands

and do their own abortion.

I had a friend tell me
she drank a cap of bleach.

I had another woman tell me,

"Girl, just take a whole bunch
of vitamin C."

Listen, there are a lot
of very good secret tips

that women rightly share
with each other,

"bananas are good for cramps",
"lipstick works as blush in a pinch"

or "block Coach Brett
from your Instagram stories".

But "drink bleach or vitamin C
to end a pregnancy" isn't one of them.

And unfortunately,
dangerous measures like those

may now become more common,
as antiabortion activists

have no intention of stopping
their push for restrictions.

For example, they're also going
after medication abortions,

which are estimated
to make up half of all abortions.

A lawsuit to revoke the FDA's
approval of mifepristone,

one of two key dr*gs
in medication abortions,

is currently working its way
through the courts.

And if that were to succeed,

it wouldn't just impact states
with abortion bans,

it would affect access
across the entire country.

So, abortion law in America
is currently a complete clusterfuck,

with many confused, and others
considering drinking bleach.

And yet, the people
who wrote and passed these laws,

like this Texas state legislator,
will insist that it's all worth it,

based on who, precisely
and exclusively, they protect.

Thousands and thousands
and thousands of people

who would have chosen to have an
abortion now don't have that choice.

- That's right.
- What do you say to those people?

Those are thousands and thousands
of little babies that are now alive.

We are a very safe place
for little babies.

What about women?

We are very safe space for little,
for women as well.

You nearly said the quiet part
out loud there, didn't you?

It's a pretty sad state of affairs
when "but what about women?"

genuinely counts
as a gotcha question.

Because for the record,
abortion bans are, objectively,

not safe for women, and can needlessly
put them through absolute hell.

Take what happened
to this woman in Texas,

whose ultrasound not only revealed
no chance of survival for the fetus

but also potentially
life-threatening complications for her.

Kailee's doctor was clear.

When he's born,
he's going to suffocate to death.

He may live for a few minutes,
he may live for an hour,

but he is going to die.

Her doctors said they
could not perform an abortion,

noting in her records "termination
is not legal in the state of Texas".

How could you be so cruel
as to pass a law

that you know will hurt women

and that you know will cause
babies to be born in pain?

He was going to die
a painful death.

How is that humane?
How is that saving anybody?

They desperately want
to have another baby,

but there's a high likelihood
that something will go wrong again.

The last time I saw my OB,

she said "Do not get pregnant
in Texas right now".

That is not only devastating,
it is a truly horrible thing

to have to add to the list of things
that pregnant women are not safe to do.

So, it's now, officially:
ride a rollercoaster, eat sushi,

dye your roots,
and simply exist in the state of Texas.

Medical professionals are finding
themselves caught in the middle

between trying to do what they know
is medically right for their patients

while also not running afoul of the law
or having their license revoked.

One doctor said that her colleagues
were so unsure

of whether or not they could
legally recommend their patients

seek abortions elsewhere
that they resorted to saying things

like "The weather's really nice
in New Mexico right now.

You should check it out."

Or, "I've heard traveling to Colorado
is really nice this time of year".

Which isn't just absurd, I'm not
even sure those are effective hints.

New Mexico and Colorado

are two of the most objectively
beautiful states in the nation.

That could be
a nice vacation tip.

If the doctors were recommending
visiting Newark, New Jersey,

or saying, "I've heard Buffalo's
nice this time of year",

then sure, you'd know something
else was clearly being communicated.

While you might think that doctors
facing emergency situations

should take it upon themselves
to quietly perform abortions anyway,

as this OB-GYN points out,
it's just not that simple.

Some people say
"Doctors should just do it.

You should just go take that patient
to the OR and do that abortion."

I don't know of any doctor who
does an abortion just by themselves.

It requires an anesthesia team,
a nursing team,

supervising team
to get you into the OR.

So, in order for somebody

to agree with me as I want
to take that patient to the OR,

there's lots of other people
who are going to weigh in, too,

and be scared and say "No, we have
to wait for legal to sign off".

And that's when people die.

Holy sh*t.

"We have to wait
for legal to sign off"

is not something you want to hear
before receiving urgent medical care.

That is something that we say

when we want to show
this photo while saying the sentence

"Sex crimes are bad"

or playfully accuse a coal baron
of being the Zodiac k*ller.

I shouldn't joke about that, though.

I'm sure Bob Murray is probably a lot
more sympathetic to black lung victims

now that he is burning in hell.

But the larger point remains
that even if you do have

one doctor willing to break the law
and assume the risks,

you still might
not have a whole team.

Abortions are like improv. Everyone
involved has to be fully on board.

And if just one person
doesn't commit, it's over.

Also, even when it goes well,
you're like "Okay. That was fine.

Can I go home now? Please don't
make me come back next week".

And the crushing thing is, that doctor
isn't even being overly cautious there.

Because while these laws
do have exceptions

in instances where the life
of the mother is in danger,

there's a huge difference

between "life of the mother"
and "health of the mother".

All of these states
have near-total abortion bans

that do not make exceptions
considering the health of the mother.

But even in states
that do have those exceptions,

they're often written
so vaguely or narrowly

that doctors can be unsure
how to apply them.

Take Texas again,

where the health exceptions only apply
for a few highly specific conditions.

So, for everyone else,
doctors are now waiting until a patient

is at actual risk
of imminent death to intervene.

Listen to this woman describe
what she went through

after a fatal fetal condition
was diagnosed during her pregnancy.

I had to wait
until one of three things happened.

Either her heart stopped b*ating,
I went into labor naturally,

or I became so sick
that my life was in danger.

And at that point,
because of the laws,

the doctors
would be able to induce me,

and we could begin
the delivery process.

I was first diagnosed
on Tuesday,

and it took until Friday
for one of those three things to occur.

And for me, what happened was,
I got really sick, really fast.

Obviously,
we live in the middle of Texas,

which is a giant state.

So, to get out of Texas,
and to get to a neighboring state

where we could
have gotten healthcare,

we would've either had to drive
at least eight hours or fly somewhere.

So we are all perfectly clear,
when we say that these laws

take away people's right
to control their own body,

this is what we're talking about.

She had to wait
from Tuesday to Friday

to get close enough
to dying to be saved.

Preemptively choosing to save her
own life was illegal in her state.

A state that this man says
is safe for little, sorry, for women.

When you take all of this
into account,

it's no wonder that women
in states with abortion bans

are nearly three times more likely
to die during pregnancy,

childbirth, or soon after.

And this is only exacerbated
for people of color,

who already
faced significant disparities

in maternal and infant health
before the Dobbs decision.

And at this point, let's
talk about who is making these laws.

Because the rhetoric
around the Dobbs decision

was that it simply "returned decisions
on abortion to the states".

Which is a very nice way
of saying

it removed decisions
from individuals and their doctors

and placed them
in the hands of state legislators.

And those politicians
are now legislating medicine

without even a modicum
of medical understanding.

Which is understandably
incredibly frustrating

for people like this OB-GYN.

There's the feeling
that your expertise… no one cares.

No one cares.

Went to school
for 12 years of my life,

done this for 33 years,

but that guy
from down south in Oklahoma

whose never picked up
a medical textbook in his life,

he knows all about it.

You definitely feel no one cares
what you think as an expert.

Right. And honestly,
I would give literally anything

for legislators in Oklahoma to have to
explain their reasoning to this doctor,

who laughs like a woman
who has spent 45 years of her life

smiling on the outside and saying
"go f*ck yourself" on the inside.

Which sounds like the title of a guide
to being a woman in America.

It is not just that those pushing
these laws are non-experts,

they're also
overwhelmingly being pushed

by people
who can't get pregnant, either.

When it comes
to those so-called "trigger laws"

that banned abortion
so quickly after Dobbs,


who sponsored them were men,

and look, clearly,
they are the key problem here.

But let's also take a second for the


Because if you are a woman voting
against abortion access, you are,

and this is the meanest thing that
this voice is allowed to say to you,

not a girl's girl.

Some of those male legislators truly
did not know what they were doing,

and that's by their own admission.

This Idaho Republican voted for
an extremely restrictive abortion ban

and has since had second thoughts
about how broad it actually is.

But listen to him explain

just how little thought
he put into his original decision.

It really wasn't up high
on my radar…

I'm a pro-life guy,
and I ran that way,

but I didn't see it as it had a real,
having a real big community impact.

Then he started talking
with local doctors.

What I'm wondering is,
did you think about abortion

as it relates to obstetric care
for pregnant women?

No, I don't think I…
It's like anything.

You get exposed to something,
all of a sudden,

you go, there's a different way
to look at this.

Part of me wants to welcome
that man's ability

to recognize
his own blind spots there.

But are you really saying
that you didn't think

about how your vote would affect
literally half of your constituents?

You're a f*cking legislator.
That's not a cute little oopsie.

It's not like joking
that Timothee Chalamet

could play a young Willy Wonka
and the studio immediately greenlit it

and now you have to figure out
what the f*ck that means.

That is a dereliction of duty.
So, what do we do now?

First, do feel free to scream,
into a pillow,

when you're on the bus,
on the kiss cam at a basketball game.

There is no inappropriate time
to be screaming about this.

But also,
know that we can also still act here.

Some have taken some small steps
in the last year that are,

if nothing else,
immensely satisfying,

like this one, that was covered
by a Catholic news network.

An international group
named after Satan

will soon open its first abortion
business in the United States.

The Satanic Temple, which claims
to "not believe in a literal Satan",

will provide telehealth screenings
and prescribe abortion pills

for patients in New Mexico.

The name of the soon-to-be facility?

The Samuel Alito's Mom's
Satanic Abortion Clinic.

Incredible!

Very well played.

Is that gonna fix everything?
No, of course, it isn't.

But when it comes to responding
to such wide-spreading devastation,

you could do a lot worse than
the single best "your mom" joke.

Especially when you add in that
one of the group's co-founders

even said, "In 1950, Samuel Alito's
mother did not have options,

and look what happened".

But the most important thing
for you to do right now is,

and I apologize in advance
for even saying this, to vote.

Abortion rights are,
for all the att*cks on them,

still widely popular.

Six states have had abortion-related
measures on the ballot since Dobbs.

And in all six, "voters
preserved access to abortion".

That was even true in red states
like Montana, Kansas, and Kentucky.

This is genuinely a case

where voting can have
an immediate and lasting effect.

And to that end, there are some
important elections on Tuesday

where it's gonna be crucial
to continue that streak.

If you live in Virginia,
Democrats lost the House

and governor's seat in 2021,
but still control the State Senate.

And only because of that
were they able, earlier this year,

to stop three bills that would
have restricted abortion.

But if they lose the Senate next
week, that will clearly change.

Meanwhile, in Kentucky, the incumbent
governor, Andy Beshear,

is being challenged
by conservative AG Daniel Cameron,

who you remember from his disastrous
handling of the Breonna Taylor case.

He has also said in a questionnaire
circulated by an anti-abortion group

that he'd support codifying personhood
from the moment of fertilization,

and "criminalizing providers
who perform abortions".

While all that is obviously terrible,

how exactly does he intend to enforce
life beginning at fertilization?

Does everyone now
have to f*ck in front of him?

No, thank you very much, Daniel!

The only Kentuckian who should enjoy
that privilege is the Colonel.

And no, not that one,
I'm talking about the Reba Colonel.

There you go.

Sir, madam, NB icon:

it would be an honor and a privilege
to fornicate in your presence.

And finally, if you live in Ohio,
a ballot measure on Tuesday

would enshrine a right to abortion
in your state's constitution.

It is a measure that is currently
being targeted by its opponents

in some wildly misleading
campaign ads.

The abortion industry's
proposed amendment

would allow
no-limit abortions in Ohio,

abortions when the baby
can feel pain, excruciating pain.

On top of that,
the same radical groups

want to tear at the fabric
that holds our families together,

allow our children to get abortions
without our consent,

and remove all protections
for the unborn.

As parents,
it's our worst nightmare.

That ad's argument is basically,

"abortion rights are an as*ault
on the traditional American family:

a father, a mother,
and another mother who's 12".

Also, if, as a parent,

your worst nightmare
is your child getting pregnant

and not having to stay
that way if they don't want to,

I guess we have
different nightmares.

Because there's an objectively correct
hierarchy of parental fears

and it's, one:
losing one of your children.

Two: something terrible happening
to one of your children.

Three: losing one of them
but not in a dead way,

in the "oh f*ck,
I can't find them" way,

and then you have to decide
whether to look for them on your own,

or let someone know immediately
that they're missing.

Because if something's really wrong,
you are gonna need help.

But if they're just kind of around
looking for LEGO sets,

you don't want to announce
to the Target employees

that you're a negligent parent
who misplaced your child.

Number four: your children hating
you for exactly the person you are,

that's not because of any
misunderstanding or anything.

Your kids know exactly
what you're about

and they justifiably
want nothing to do with you.

And finally, number five: your child
gets really good at swimming.

Because that means
you have to take them to the pool

by 5:00 AM every other morning
for 10 f*cking years.

A child exercising bodily autonomy
is nowhere near a worst scenario.

Except for maybe
the swimming thing.

This past year and a half
has clearly been devastating

when it comes to abortion rights.

And to be clear, I'm not
just talking about the, quote

"unintended consequences"
around wanted pregnancies.

I'm talking about the intended ones
for unwanted pregnancies, too.

An abortion is a medical decision
between a patient and their doctor.

It is maddening to see some push
to make their states safe for babies,

while making it far more dangerous
for the people they grow up to be.

But the hope here,
and there actually is some hope,

is that as much as the needs, lives and
choices of women have been dismissed,

is also how much their anger
and tenacity has been underestimated.

You've seen doctors
and medical professionals

offering their selves and services.

And you've seen people like these,

bravely and selflessly reliving
private, often difficult moments,

to educate and galvanize others.

So many people have been working
tirelessly to make this better.

And I wish they didn't have to.

I wish they could devote their lives
and talents to something besides

publicly fighting for basic,
necessary healthcare.

But they can't.
Because this is an emergency.

And one that requires
action from all of us.

And hopefully, one day,
we can eventually get to a place

where people who want to end
a pregnancy, save their own life,

or make any other medical
or reproductive decision

about their own body,

will not have to seek out
the same legal loopholes

that the money plane provides
for those who want to bet

on a dude f*cking
an alligator in front of "Frasier."

And now, this.

And Now: It Was Halloween,

and Local TV Hosts
Did What They Always Do.

Ice!

Baby!

Papoy!

- Is that the minions?
- I had to channel my costume!

Yeah. The minions,
they're always going "papoy!"

I should've done some research
as to what Teletubbies do.

I think they're just walking around
eating custard or something.

- I like that.
- Some more of that.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah.

And he goes like that.

How are you doing
on this Halloween?

I gotta be honest, Judy,
I can't breathe through this thing.

I can't see what's going on.
I'm sweating buckets.

I can't grasp anything.

I can't turn the pages.

Hi, Barbie!

- Hi, Ken.
- What's up, ladies?

- No, you say "Hi, Barbie".
- Hi, Barbie!

And we are going to bring
that alien into the studio.

And that alien does weather!

About 10 degrees below average
for this time of year.

Temperatures will be
in the upper 50s and low 60s.

Cooler over the Potomac Highlands.


You heard him.

We're just having
a ball here today, folks.

Moving on. Finally, tonight,
a quick word about New Zealand.

A vast fantasy world
that was invented by J.R.R. Tolkien

to be the filming location
for "The Lord of the Rings".

I'd like to talk about
a very important election there.

Not their general election,

which happened three weeks ago,
and no one noticed.

No, I'm talking about this.

It's the big day.

Candidates are being woken up and
assessed for their campaign readiness.

Voting is due
to run for two weeks.

Supporters of each bird
are hoping in that time

enough New Zealanders
share their vision of what could be.

Call yourself a Kiwi?
Vote Kiwi, Bird of the Century.

Yes, it's New Zealand's Bird
of the Century competition.

And kudos for stealing
the theme from "Veep" there,

to really drive home the gravity
of the contest.

Because this is a big deal.
New Zealanders love birds.

They're famously known as Kiwis,
after the Kiwi bird.

And birds feature prominently
on their currency.

Which is frankly much better
than what U.S. bills have on them,

which is assorted racists
and trace amounts of cocaine.

New Zealand
also has a lot of unique birds.

A 2017 government report

found that of the 168 species
of native birds in New Zealand,


meaning they're found nowhere else.

But in the past
couple of centuries,

the numbers of native birds
there have dropped dramatically.

That is why the conservation
organization Forest & Bird

started a Bird of the Year
competition back in 2005

to raise awareness of native birds
and the threats that they face.

And this year,
it's Bird of the Century,

which is clearly
the biggest one yet.

But for a well-meaning competition,

it's actually been a bit of a lightning
rod for controversy in the past.

Just take the reaction to what
happened ahead of last year's contest.

The world's fattest parrot, the Kakapo,
has been kicked out.

Melissa, why?

Because it's won two times previously,


Too big for its boots.

They're worried that it's taking
the spotlight from lesser-known birds.

It's true.
This bird, the Kakapo,

was disqualified because
it had already won twice.

Which is bullshit.
We don't do that for other awards.

Sorry, Beyonce, but since
you've already won 32 Grammys,

you are disqualified so that
someone worse than you can win.

I hope you understand!"

Besides, the Kakapo earned those wins.
It's the world's fattest parrot.

If you're not already on board,
they're friendly, and they smell nice,

those are two qualities
I've never associated with any bird,

present company included.

And perhaps most importantly of all,

the Kakapo gifted the world
with this incredible clip.

A typical male, Sirocco
is clearly interested in one thing.

Look at that!

God, he's got sharp claws.

He's getting a bit frisky.

Do you think he's attempting
a sort of mating ritual?

He is?

Mark, you are being shagged!

- It's sharp.
- Look, he's so happy!

I'm sorry but it's one of the funniest
things I've ever seen.

You are being shagged
by a rare parrot.

He thinks you are a female.

He's really going for it.

You've chosen him.
You are in pain, aren't you?

Spectacular. Just spectacular.

Though spare a thought
for that Kakapo.

I know he looks happy there

but can you imagine how insecure
he also must have felt?

Imagine this: you've met someone
that you instantly connect with,

you bring them back
to your place, undress,

get in bed, start to have sex,
you know what, no, make love.

But the whole time Stephen Fry
is right next to you,

pointing, laughing, and saying

"This is one of the funniest
things I've ever seen?"

Then someone takes that sexual
humiliation and puts it up on YouTube,

where it's viewed


Then, some assh*le on HBO
shows it to his studio audience,

and they all laugh too?

The very fact that this bird has been
able to keep himself aroused,

humping, and focused on his partner,

that zoologist's head,
is, frankly, heroic to me.

But the Kakapo's disqualification
was actually a step up from 2021,

when there was an uproar after
a bat was awarded Bird of the Year.

Specifically, this absolute goober
of a bat, the long-tailed bat.

Forget Bird of the Year, I wouldn't
even give that bat Bat of the Year.

Apparently it qualified
because it was entered using the term

"Manu, the Maori word for bird,
which means winged creature".

Just because it has wings,
that's somehow good enough?

Voters shouldn't use
the same criteria

as someone boarding
a Southwest Airlines flight.

Believe it or not, the year before,
there was yet another scandal.

New Zealand's Bird of the Year
competition has been rocked

with revelations
of a slew of fraudulent votes

streamed in overnight
for the littlespotted Kiwi

which pushed it into
an unexpected and false lead.

Yeah, bird voter fraud!

And I think my favorite part
about that is the news anchor

calling the little
spotted Kiwi's lead "unexpected".

Because that is an excellent
bird neg.

"Obviously, everyone was shocked

when they saw
the little spotted Kiwi in the lead

and immediately knew
something was afoot.

Obviously there's no way
this little flightless freak

could ever win
anything legitimately,

except maybe a f*cked-up
ferret lookalike contest".

There have actually been a number of
vote-stuffing scandals over the years.

In 2015, two 15-year-old twins

managed to use their parents'
business email account

to make hundreds of fake emails

to vote over 200 times for the Kokako,
this blue thing.

Then, two years later, another voter
fraud attempt was discovered

when over 100 fraudulent votes
were cast for the White-Faced Heron,

something Forest & Bird
took in its stride, saying

"We're not mad, just impressed
that someone cares enough

about New Zealand's native birds
to rig the competition".

And I'm glad they weren't mad
but I definitely am.

Because this f*cking thing
doesn't deserve to be

anywhere near
the Bird of the Year award.

It looks like a pigeon
took anabolic steroids.

I hate this bird!

But this all speaks to how much

the people of New Zealand
justifiably love this competition.

There are campaign managers
for each bird candidate,

and the electioneering
can be intense.

In 2019, the campaign
for the Rockhopper

created a series
of movie parody posters,

including "Rocky Hopper Picture
Show" and "School of Rockhopper".

Which are both clearly excellent.

But my favorite endorsement
came from Adulttoymegastore,

an online retailer
which campaigned for the Hihi bird,

claiming the "male Hihi have the
largest testicles in the bird world"

and "the Hihi is the sex-positive
polyamorous idol of the bird world

with the biggest balls to boot!"

There are even honest-to-god
Bird of the Year debates,

where campaigners
face off against each other.

I would like you to do your best
impression of your bird's call.

So, we're gonna start with Frances.
Good luck.

That is a real debate
on New Zealand radio!

And just imagine turning
that debate on midway through,

without hearing the question.

It would sound like you're
listening to an orgy of haunted dolls.

Now, at this point,
you might be thinking

"I wish there was
a Bird of the Year competition

this spectacular here in the U.S.
that we could participate in".

I've got some good news
and some bad news for you.

The bad news is: there isn't.
The good news is:

New Zealand's contest is not actually
restricted to just New Zealand.

Anyone in the world can vote,
as long as they have a valid email.

And not just that.
Forest & Bird themselves say they

"encourage anyone who is passionate
about their favorite native bird

to campaign
throughout the competition."

And I'm pretty sure
you know where this is going.

Because we are hereby
announcing ourselves

as the official campaign manager
for what we believe

to be the best candidate for
New Zealand's Bird of the Century.

I'm talking, of course,
about the Puteketeke,

also known
as the Australasian crested grebe.

Look at this beauty!
It looks like Pauly D f*cked a swan.

Even its name is fun to say.
Puteketeke. Puteketeke.

It feels like your
tongue is tap-dancing.

And there are so many
fun facts about it,

like the fact that they are known for
carrying their babies on their backs

like this, which is,
yes, it's adorable.

And "both parents will incubate
the eggs and tend to the chicks."

They give each other
space to co-parent.

They don't stifle each other.

And you want elegance?
I'll give you some elegance!

They have a mating dance where
they both grab a clump of wet grass

and chest-bump each other,

before standing around,
unsure of what to do next.

I have never identified with anything
more in my f*cking life.

Puteketekes also,
and this is true,

eat their own feathers
by the hundreds

to protect their stomachs
during digestion,

and then will "throw up a ball
of feathers and fish bones".

They are weird puking birds
with colorful mullets!

What's not to love here?

And there is another reason that
you should vote for the Puteketeke,

and that is that its existence
is under thr*at.

Its New Zealand population
numbers fewer than 1,000 birds.

And yet, tragically, it's never
won Bird of the Year before.

To be honest, it's also never had us
campaigning for it before, has it?

And I do think
that we can do this.

Last year, when the Rock Wren won,
it did so with 2,894 number one votes,

so I'm pretty sure
that we can b*at that.

Especially because
we've put together a campaign

which could reasonably be described
as alarmingly aggressive.

First, we put up ads
in New Zealand

promoting the Puteketeke
as "Lord of the Wings,"

which is already very exciting,
but we did not stop there.

Because the potential voters
are every single inhabitant of Earth.

So, for the last week,

there's also been a bunch of billboards
up in the center of Mumbai, India.

Look at them!
There they are!

A city of over 12 million people,
that's a lot of potential votes there.

We also designed
this striking animated ad for Japan,

which we then managed to put on
four billboards in the center of Tokyo,

in the so called
"busiest crossing in the world",

so hopefully that should
bring in a few votes, too.

We tried to get this poster
put up in Paris,

but they wouldn't do it,
because the bird was smoking,

and cigarettes are apparently
banned in advertising there,

which seems a little ridiculous,

considering the entire
population of France smokes.

So, we reluctantly tweaked it

and put this non-smoking
version up on the Champs-Elysees

right next to the Arc de Triomphe,
which has frankly never looked better.

Meanwhile, in London,
we made this mobile ad

telling everyone there
to "help us crown a real king",

and drove it right past the houses
of parliament and all around the city.

If you're thinking "That's great, John,
but what about Brazil?

Surely, you did something in Brazil!"

Don't worry, if you were
on Ipanema Beach this week,

you might've seen
this plane flying around,

with a "Vote for the Puteketeke" ad
hanging right off the back of it.

And finally,
just to push us over the top,

we also put up this billboard
in Manitowoc, Wisconsin.

'Cause, hey, not everyone
lives in big cities, do they?

And if you live in Manitowoc,
we need your support too.

The point is: we are going
all out for this thing.

Because I don't just want
the Puteketeke to win.

I want it to win
in the biggest landslide

in the history
of this magnificent competition.

I want it to do to other
Bird of the Century candidates

what the Puteketeke
does to fish in New Zealand's lakes,

eat them alive, and then throw them
back up in a ball of feathers.

Because there is frankly
no bird on Earth

more deserving of the title Bird of
the Century than this one right here.

Look at this thing!
It's in your hands.

So, please, before the…
Stop it!

So, please, before the contest
closes at the end of this week,

go to votethisbird.com

and select the Puteketeke
as your number one vote!

You need to use a real email address
and then verify your vote.

'Cause, after all,
this is what democracy is all about:

America interfering
in foreign elections!

No matter
where you are on Earth,

make sure you vote
for this adorably weird bird freak,

and together,
let's make bird history!

Thank you so much for watching,
we'll see you next week, goodnight!

Puteketeke!