01x06 - The Golden Key

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat orchestral music]

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Who's your friend
when things get rough ♪

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Can't do a little,
'cause he can't do enough ♪

♪ Once upon a summertime,
just a dream from yesterday ♪

♪ A boy and his
magic golden flute ♪

♪ Heard a boat
from off the bay ♪

♪ Come and play with me, Jimmy ♪

♪ Come and play with me ♪

♪ And I will take you on a
trip far across the sea ♪

♪ But the boat belonged
to a kooky old witch ♪

♪ Who had in mind
the flute to snitch ♪

♪ From her vroom-broom
in the skies ♪

♪ She watched her
plans materialize ♪

♪ She waved her wand ♪

♪ The beautiful boat was gone ♪

♪ The skies grew dark,
the sea grew rough ♪

♪ And boat sailed on and on
and on and on and on and on ♪

♪ But Pufnstuf was watching too
and knew exactly what to do ♪

♪ He saw the witch's
boat att*ck ♪

♪ And as the boy
was fighting back ♪

♪ He called his
rescue racer crew ♪

♪ As often they'd rehearsed ♪

♪ And off to save
the boy, they flew ♪

- [Singer] But who
would get there first?

♪ But now, the boy
had washed ashore ♪

♪ Puf arrived to save the day ♪

♪ Which made the witch
so mad and sore ♪

♪ She shook her fist
and screamed away ♪

[Witchiepoo screams]

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Who's your friend
when things get rough ♪

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Can't do a little,
'cause he can't do enough ♪

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ He's your friend
when things get rough ♪

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Can't do a little,
'cause he can't do enough ♪

[cheerful music]

- Ah, glory be,
customers. [laughs]

Right this way,
folks. Step right up.

How would ya like to buy a hot?

[audience laughs]

- A hot what?

- You name it, I got it.

- Well, what we were
looking for Mr. Lion,

is a way for Freddy
and me to get home.

- Without the Witch finding out.

- Ah, yes, the Witch. Charming
creature if ya like hags.

Let's see. You need a
secret way off the island.

I've got just the thing.

Now, where did I put it?

Ah, here it is. Just
happen to have one left.

An authentic secret
genuine escape map,

with clues to the golden key

that opens the magic
golden escape door.

- Terrific! That sounds
like just what we need.

- Mayor, tell you
what I'm gonna do.

If you're not satisfied,

if you don't find
that this is a real...

[Pufnstuf coughing]
[audience laughs]

Ah, ah, ah-choo!

Ancient genuine escape map,

I'll give you your buttons back.

- Buttons? Who said
anything about buttons?

- I heard someone mention it.

Let's see, who
could it have been?

- All right,
Ludicrous. How much?

- 10 buttons.

- That sounds like an awful lot.

I haven't got a
button in my pocket.

- I don't even have a pocket!

[audience laughs]

- No buttons, no map. And I
might point out no escape.

- Well, can you change this
a hundred button piece?

- Can I? [chuckles]

Keep your eyes on the flashing
fingers of Ludicrous Lion.

[audience laughs]

All right. Button, button.

Button.
[bell dings]

Who's got the button?

There you are my lucky
little lollipops.

Follow instructions on the map

and you'll soon be waving
bye-bye to the nasty old Witch.

- Thank you, Mr. Lion. Goodbye!

- Bye-bye.
- Bye, Ludicrous. Bye.

[relaxing upbeat music]

[mysterious dramatic music]

♪ Hmm, hmm, oh, hmm, hmm ♪

♪ You're so beautiful,
so marvelous ♪

♪ So wonderfully evil ♪

♪ I love you ♪

[lips pop]
[mirror shatters]

[audience laughs]

Seymour! Clean up!

I broke another one.

[audience laughs]

- [Orson] Witchiepoo,
come quick!

They're escaping with
the talking flute.

- My flute? The talking flute?

Outta my way, you
feathered octopus.

Let me see.

- Pushy, pushy, pushy.

- Ah, so they're trying
to escape again, eh?

What is that they're holding?

[Witchiepoo gasps dramatically]

It's a golden key escape map.

But they'll never
escape from me,

not unless I have
Freddy Flute first.

- What's your plan, my
night-blooming Witchiepoo?

- Stick around and watch,
you overgrown chicken.

Stick around and watch.
[giggles maniacally]

[nose boinks]

- [Orson] Why did you hit
me? I'm not going to escape.

- Neither are they, my pouting
pigeon. Neither are they.

Keep dusting and
use all your arms!

Orson, keep an eye
on the image machine.

I'll be right back. Understand?
[cackling maniacally]

[playful music]

- Jumping jelly beans,
there's the three round rocks

just like it says on the map.

- Right. It says take

then six to the right,

and then we find the first
part of the golden key.

- Let's pace it off. Hurry!

[tree boinks]
- Sorry!

- I beg your pardon.

- We're awfully sorry, Ma'am.

- Beg pardon, but we're looking
for part of the golden key.

- So that's what this is.

I found it. Thought it
was a piece of jewelry.

Here you are.

- Thank you, Ma'am.

Pufnstuf, Freddy, I
have it! I have it!

- Ooh wee! Thanks
for helping, Ma'am.

- Think nothing of it. Toodeloo!

- Gee willackers, Jimmy,
I guess that map is real.

All we need now are

the two other parts of
this magic golden key,

and you'll be on your way home.

What's the next clue?

- Listen to this.

Puppy dogs are born with
no bark and so am I.

What does that mean?

- I don't rightly know, Jimmy.

But if you don't know something

the best thing to
do is ask someone.

- Ask us. We trees
are pretty sharp.

Some of us even have
needles. [laughs]

[audience laughs]

- Good idea, Sir.

Trees, this is
your mayor talking.

Can you tell us what
this riddle means?

Puppy dogs are born
with no bark. So am I.

- That's way out,
man. I dig riddles.

[audience laughs]

- Do you know what it means?

- No, but I sure can
dig it. Crazy, man.

[audience laughs]

[baby tree crying]

- Who is that?

- That's that whipper
snapper, the baby tree.

He's always yapping
about something.

[baby tree crying]

- Please don't cry.

- I'm always so cold. I don't
get my bark until I grow old.

- Jimmy, that's the
clue. Don't you see?

Baby trees are born with no bark

and grown trees all
have their bark.

- Of course! The bark on
the trees. I get it now!

So the second part
of the key is?

- [Baby Tree] Underneath
me, the baby tree.

- [Jimmy] Hurry, get
it Cling and Clang.

[audience laughs]

- Good work, boys.

- [Freddy] Does it fit?

- Jumping jelly beans!

- It fits!

- Yippee! One more to go!

- Thank you for
helping us, baby tree.

- We'll be seeing you.

[upbeat music]

- Bye-bye! Bye-bye!

[playful music]

- Hurry up, boys. We've
got to find the next clue.

Move along. Hurry. Hurry.

[mysterious moaning]

- What was that?

- [Freddy] It
sounded like a ghost!

- It's coming this way.
Quick! Get down. Hide!

[mysterious moaning continues]

♪ Bom, ba, dee, dee, bom ♪

Oh, it's working
perfectly. [laughs]

Oh, wait till I
show them this one.

Oh!
[audience laughs]

Oh, hello there,
fellas! Hello there.

- Dr. Blinky?

- Did you hear that awful sound?

- Of course I heard
it. I made it.

It's my new invention.

It's a sound box that
makes all the sounds

ever heard in the whole world.

See?

This is a button that made the
spooky sound you just heard.

Listen.

[mysterious moaning]

- Hey! That's terrific!

- Perhaps we can borrow it.

It might come in handy on our
search for the golden key.

- Why not? Here. The
sound box is yours.

In case you're att*cked,
just press the red buttons.

Those are w*r noise buttons.

Makes every w*r
sound you ever heard.

You'll scare the pants off them.

That is if they're
wearing any. [laughs]

[audience laughs]

Oh my.

[dramatic growling]

Cling, you shouldn't
have pushed that button!

Oh!
[audience laughs]

- What's going on?

Let me see!

Well, well, horror movie?
You switched channels.

You're supposed to
watch those nincompoops!

- But Witchiepoo, it was time
for our favorite scary movie.

- I'll scare you.

[nose boinks]

I've got to find them myself.

[machine whirs]

[giggling maniacally]

Here they are.

They're walking right
into my evil forest.

I'll fix them!
[cackling maniacally]

Now hear this!

Calling all evil trees,
tombstones and mushrooms,

be on the alert.

Grab that boy and the
flute, especially the flute.

Do you read me?

- Roger!
[frogs peeping]

- Witchiepoo!

- Over and out.

[audience laughs]

- It's going to be a little
surprise they won't expect,

eh Orson?

[cackling maniacally]

What do you think of your
sweet little Witchiepoo now?

- I have a very good suggestion

which I make in all
humility, my dear Miss Witch.

- What is that, my sweet?

- Stop hitting me!

[stones crash and rumble]

[playful music]

- The map only shows
an X, but look, Jimmy!

There's a written clue.

- Find a mushroom with a cigar.

Tweak it once,
and there you are.

- A mushroom with a cigar?

- That must be where the
last part of the key is.

- Well, if it isn't
my friend, Jimmy.

You look like you've
come a long way.

Why don't you sit down
on my cap and rest?

- No, Jimmy. No,
don't touch them.

They belong to the Witch.

One touch and you'll
turn into a mushroom too.

- But we have to get the key.

Let me go. I can squeeze
between those mean mushrooms.

No offense, but you're too big.

- All right, Jimmy,
but be careful.

Remember, don't touch
those mushrooms you hear?

And look for the
one with the cigar.

Now watch it, boy.

[somber playful music]

- Come here and feel how
smooth and soft we are.

- [Pufnstuf] Careful,
Jimmy. Careful!

- [Freddy] Oh, look
out Jimmy behind you!

- Watch out! Oh my!

- Hey kid! Come here.
I'm not gonna bite ya.

- I'm not afraid of you.

- Ouch! He tweaked my cigar.

[hand whirring]

- Look Jimmy. Look
Jimmy. The key! The key!

- Help, evil trees. Help!

[mysterious upbeat music]

- [Evil Trees] We're coming!

- [Pufnstuf] Look out, Jimmy!

- Hey, Jimmy, come
swing on my branch.

- Jimmy, come here. I
have some walnuts for you.

- [Pufnstuf] Run, Jimmy! Run!

Run!
[sirens blaring]

- What's that terrible
noise? What happened?

- Cling pressed the
sound box by mistake.

- Thanks, little pal.
That mistake saved us.

- [Freddy] Let's
get out of here!

- Jimmy, wait up. [gasps]

I guess we're all
outta danger now.

Try the key, Jimmy.
Try it. Oh boy. Look!

- It fits! We've
got the golden key.

Hooray!

- Hooray!

- Drat and double drat!
They've got the key.

I must stop them before
they get to the golden door.

- What are you going
to do, Witchiepoo?

- You're a big help.

I oughta trade you in
for a plucked chicken.

[audience laughs]

Where's Seymour? Seymour!

- Coming, Witchiness!

Your number one wand is
all fixed and ready to go.

- Let me have it, dummy.

Wham, wham, alakazam!

[dramatic expl*si*n]

[lantern boinks]

[audience laughs]

[Witchiepoo cackling maniacally]

Bullseye! Seymour, give him
a sh*t of smelling salts.

I'm on my way.
[cackling maniacally]

- Jumping butterballs. That
key is just like a compass.

It's pointing and telling
us which way to go.

- Freddy, I think
we're on our way home.

- I'm free from the
old Witch at last!

- Let's go!

[cheerful upbeat music]

[relaxing music]

[arrow squeaks]

- Now when they follow the sign,

they'll come to my golden
door. [giggles maniacally]

- Look! Here it is! The
sign we've been looking for!

- This way to the golden door.

- [Freddy] And we have
the golden key to open it.

- By golly, Jimmy, that's
it. The end of the road.

- Did you hear that,
Freddy? We're almost there!

[victorious upbeat music]

♪ There's a great big
rainbow waiting there ♪

♪ At the end of the road ♪

♪ With the answer to
our every prayer ♪

♪ At the end of the road ♪

♪ There's a golden
door and a golden key ♪

♪ And they're waiting
for both you and me ♪

♪ All we have to do is
follow the signs we see ♪

♪ To the end of the road ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[audience laughs]

[Witchiepoo cackles maniacally]

[mysterious upbeat music]

- No need for them to know

this is the rear
door to my dungeon.

[wood bangs]

Snaps and snails and
rattlesnake tails!

Make this wooden door that's
old turn to a door of gold!

[dramatic expl*si*n]

[frogs peeping]

And just in case
the key doesn't fit,

I'll leave the door open a bit.

[door creaking]

Now we'll see how
their foolish map

will lead them right
into my very own trap.

[giggling maniacally]

Oh, I'm a devil.

[dramatic expl*si*n]
Goodbye!

[playful music]

- Hurry, boys. Right this way.
I think we're getting there.

Golly gee! Look at that door.

- It's terrific!

- [Freddy] Where do you
suppose it leads to?

- To some secret
tunnel, I suspect.

Hold on, Jimmy. It
looks kinda suspicious.

Let me go first.

- Here they come!
Right into my trap!

Oh, this is too good to be true.

Orson, this is the
golden door button.

When I say, "Now," press it.

Then the door will close
and I'll have them all

and my golden flute.

- Ssh!

- My wondrous Witchiepoo,

what did you say was the
word for closing the door?

- Now!

- You got it!

[Witchiepoo gasps]
[audience laughs]

- I didn't say, "Now!" I
meant when I said, "Now!"

You noodle nose!
[audience laughs]

You closed the door too soon!

[nose boinks]

- It's closing!
Pufnstuf! Come back!

Pufnstuf, can you hear me?

Are you all right? Pufnstuf!

Answer me!
[fists banging]

Witch's dungeon. Rear
door deliveries only.

- Oh no. The Witch has
Pufnstuf in her dungeon.

What'll we do?

- We'll have to
rescue him. Let's go!

[somber dramatic music]

- It's locked. Golly willackers.

Trapped in the Witch's
dungeon. What am I gonna do?

My, oh my, oh my.

[Witchiepoo giggling]

- At least we got one of
them. [cackling maniacally]

All is not lost yet.

If I know my apples,

that foolish boy will
try to rescue Pufnstuf

then we'll grab
him and the flute.

Right, Orson? [cackles]

[body slams]
[audience laughs]

- Right, my Queen of Darkness.

Well, finally, that's
one for me. [laughs]

[audience laughs]

- Ho, ho, ho!

- Here's the plan, men.

Dr. Blinky says this box
makes all the sounds of w*r.

So when I press these
red w*r noise buttons,

the Witch will think she's
being att*cked by an entire army

then she'll run away and we'll
go in and rescue Pufnstuf.

Got it, men?

Let's move forward.

[victorious m*llitary music]

Blast-off!

[bombs explode and g*ns bang]

Opening the auxiliary!

[bombs explode and g*ns bang]

Now the bombers!

[engines whir]
[bombs explode]

Keep the flank moving!

- Listen to that. That
sounds like an army.

We're under att*ck!

- It's w*r. It's
w*r! I hear a t*nk.

- I think that I shall never see

a tree that runs as fast as me.

[audience laughs]

- Take to the hills!

[audience laughs]

- We're under att*ck!
We're under att*ck!

It sounds like an army.

Do something! Do something!

- You do something.
You're our leader.

- Use your wand. Throw
some of your magic around.

- I can't, stupid! It
doesn't work in case of w*r.

I can only deal
when there's peace.

I can't compete
with the big boys.

[audience laughs]

[bombs explode and g*ns bang]

- Good old Jimmy.

He's using the sound box
to frighten the Witch.

Go to it, Jimmy Boy.

- Get some rocks! Try
and break some windows!

[engines whir]
[bombs explode]

[rocks whir]

[window shatters]

- Oh!

- Can't we make peace?
Peace, please, Witchiepoo!

Go out and tell
them we want peace.

- That's it!

Congratulations, you dodo!

You finally came
up with something.

[nose boinks]

[audience laughs]

- Be careful, your highness.

It could be dangerous out there.

- I'm not going to go
out there, you boob!

I'm going to send Mayor
Pufnstuf. Let him stop the w*r!

[audience laughs]

Oh, Mayor! Mayor!

- Keep the machine g*ns bombing!

- Peace! Peace!

- What's going on here?

- Out! Out!

We're under att*ck by an army.

You're the mayor of this island,

go out there and make peace!

- I'll go, Madame. I'll go.

- [Witchiepoo]
What's the big idea?

Why are you locking
us in like this?

- To keep you
safe, your majesty,

while I go out and negotiate
peace terms with the enemy.

- Make sure you come back
and let us out, you hear?

- It'll be my pleasure.

But you know these peace talks
could go on for a long time.

[audience laughs]

[bombs explode]

[engines whir]
[bombs explode]

We surrender! We surrender!

- Hold your fire, men.

- Nice work, boys.
Thanks for saving me.

- It's good to see
you again, Puf!

I was sure worried about ya.

- Let's go, fellas.

We better get away before
the Witch finds out

the only w*r around here
is in our sound box.

[audience laughs]

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Who's your friend
when things get rough ♪

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Can't do a little 'cause
he can't do enough ♪

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

- The whole army is
retreating. All five of them.

Pufnstuf, Jimmy, Cling and
Clang, and Freddy Flute.

- They're the whole army?

Drat! We've been tricked.

It's all your fault,
you gruesome twosome!

You're stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

[audience laughs]

- Duh, Stupid Bat
checking in, Chief.

I wanna report a w*r.

[audience laughs]

- Oh no. This is too much.

[audience laughs]

What did I ever do
to deserve this?

I've tried to be a bad witch.

I try to do evil unto others.

[mournful orchestral music]

I practice my spells.

Why me?

Why is it always me?

[audience laughs]

♪ There's a great big
rainbow waiting there ♪

♪ At the end of the road ♪

♪ With the answer to
our every prayer ♪

♪ At the end of the road ♪

♪ There's a golden
door and a golden key ♪

♪ And they're waiting
for both you and me ♪

♪ All we have to do is
follow the signs we see ♪

♪ To the end of the road ♪

[upbeat orchestral music]

- [Singer] Whoa!

♪ I got, you got,
everybody do got ♪

♪ Someone who cares ♪

♪ By the name of H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Where do ya go when
things get rough ♪

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Well, he can't do a little
'cause he can't do enough ♪

[audience applauds]

- See ya next week!

- I sure hope so!

[audience applauds and cheers]

[cheerful music]