07x07 - Lama Trauma

[bunniefuu]

HANK:
Previously on Royal Pains...

[GASPS] Oops.

Raj?

We started spending
time together.

But we are not ready
for anyone to know yet.

For a man who was engaged
just a few days ago,

you certainly don't
waste any time.

Cut yourself some slack.

You deserve to live
happily ever after,

whether that's with a prince
or a polo player or...

A Raj.

The patient we're expecting...

His health is crucial to the
survival of an entire culture.

Good morning.

Good morning, ma'am.
Good morning, Nurse Margaret.

When you work 12-hour shifts,
morning is a relative term.

[LAUGHS]
[SIGHS]

Those are fresh bagels.

Yeah. Yeah, they are.

For the nurses?

Well, you know the budget.

What happened to those bagels
you had a couple of days ago?

They hardened.
Like your heart.

Well, uh, you know, in China,
no one ever gets bagels.

This is the Hamptons.

[WHISTLING]

Hey, guys.

Poche!

What's up, my man?

Give me five.

Yeah.
It's Rinpoche.

It's an honorific given to only the
most esteemed spiritual leaders.

Yeah, Poche makes him
sound like he's an egg.

Got it. Uh, doesn't his
surgery start soon?

Where are all the doctors?

The m*llitary cardiac team is delayed
at Walter Reed due to the weather.

His temperature's a little high.

Should we be concerned?

Well, it could just be a
by-product of all the travel.

Ibuprofen may do the trick, but I'll run
blood and sputum cultures to be safe.

So, since he's a Buddhist, I asked
them to make him one with everything.

Really?

It's Buddhist humor.
Hmm.

Here you go. So, this... Sorry. He...
He can't eat till after the surgery.

Ah, right. Um...

You know what? I'm going to give
him his get-well gift now then.

He's the eleventh reincarnation
of a holy Tibetan lama.

I don't think he wants your...

[ROARS]

[SPEAKING TIBETAN]

Seven.

He's seven, Hank.
Excuse me.

Okay.

So, it does say Sammy,
the Snow Leopard on the tag,

but you can call him
whatever you want. Okay?

[SPEAKING TIBETAN]

Seems a little long. Uh, but
it's your call. It's great.

All right. I, uh... I need
you to spit in this.

Um...

[IMITATES SPITTING]

Nothing?

Could you tell him I need
some sputum with phlegm?

That would be testing
the boundaries

of my conversational
Tibetan, but I'll try.

[SPEAKING TIBETAN]

[RINPOCHE SPITTING]

I'll need his cultures expedited.
Yeah, of course.

I'll just need a signature from one
of the attending physicians for that.

You want me to pick one, or...
Mr. Lawson.

If I'd wanted to involve the
doctors at Hamptons Heritage,

I would not have built
this entire facility.

Right. The reason
I brought it up...

Expedite it without
a signature, please.

Okay, but that might raise
questions, Boris,

which could then lead someone to discover
this facility, which I don't think you want.

What I want is someone to provide
solutions, not problems.

Surely, there is
some other way, then.

I can think of one.

Make me an attending.

Hey, thanks for
the help with Boris.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

So, do you feel different
now that you're an attending?

Like you're tied down?
Committed? Boxed in?

It's a formality, Evan.

Think of attending like
you think of Rinpoche.

As an honorific.

Right. But still, it's kind
of like I'm your boss.

Interim boss.

Right. Interim.

Yeah.

Thanks.

So, when I left last night, did you
get the deal on all this or what?

Thirty years ago, the Chinese
b*rned down Rinpoche's monastery

and their old leader barely
escaped with his life.

Eight years ago,
that Rinpoche d*ed,

and is believed to have been
reincarnated as this Rinpoche,

a young boy with a heart defect.

In order to protect him, his
condition has been kept secret.

Wow.

But I meant, like,
what's the deal with Boris?

Like, what's all this to him?

Oh. No idea.

Oh. Thanks.

Yeah.

NEWSCASTER: Take you down...
[TAPPING ON WINDOW]

Into DC. Look at that storm just
ripping through town right now.

20-mile-an-hour moving off to the east...
[TAPPING ON WINDOW]

[PIGEON COOING]
[SIGHING]

[TAPPING CONTINUES]

Get out of here.
Excuse me.

This is...

Shh. Shoo!

Get...

[PIGEON COOING]

Get out of here. It's prettier over there.
Go. Get. Get!

Blah!

Get out. Get!

Oh... Ah!

No, no, no.

What the hell?

Divya!
Shh.

Sashi's sleeping.

[WHISPERING] My apologies.

It was not my intention
to startle either of you.

And what is your intention?

I thought you would appreciate a break
from the drudgery of your paperwork.

Which I am pleased to see
is actual paperwork

and not a fabrication meant
to spare my delicate feelings.

Huh.

Yes, it's real. All too real.

Then, my timing is,
as usual, impeccable.

Come. You will have tea.

Well, I can't say no to that.

Partly because it wasn't a
question and partly because

I do enjoy a good cup
of British tea.

How do you feel about French?

This is Darjeeling Star from Mariage
Frères on the Rue des Grands Augustins.

One of my favorites.

Just the scent alone
is spectacular.

It is even better in Paris.

Where, as it happens,
I have business next weekend.

Join me.
[CHUCKLES]

That wasn't a question, either.

Well, I should hope not.

Quami, the tea is very good.

But I can't go
to Paris with you.

I mean, there's work,
there's Sashi, there's...

There's the Seine.

There is the Sauternes.

The lights.

The Louvre.
Mmm.

Indulge me.

Close your eyes and picture it.

The cafés.

The cathedrals.

The kiss.

The kiss?

I refer of course to the Rodin
sculpture in the Jardin des Tuileries.

A-ha. Oui.

Of course. Or did you
see something else?

Oh, not something
else. Just...

Someone else.

Hmm... Uh...

This is a strange
and unusual feeling.

It is...

Rejection?

Quami, you are the most charming
prince I have ever met.

But my Prince Charming...

He's someone else.

The other gentleman
you once spoke of to me.

Is this who you see
yourself with?

Yeah, it is.

And you are quite certain?

I am.

Finally, I am.

[PIGEON COOING]

Oh, I've got you now.

Hey, little bird.
[WOMAN SCREAMING]

Oh!

Oh, my God!
What happened?

Ah.

Are you okay?
No.

Something just att*cked me.

Flew right at my head
like I was Janet Leigh.

No, that's Psycho, ma'am.

Excuse me?

No, not you, the movie.

Janet Leigh was in Psycho.
Tippi Hedren was in The Birds.

And who are you, the man
who knows too much?

No, I'm Evan R. Lawson.
I'm the administrator here.

Uh, interim administrator.

Well, what kind of cockamamie
place are you running here?

Things in the hallway,
flapping at people?

It's unsanitary.

We're on it, ma'am.
Stan?

Uh, Stan here's going to help
you back to your room.

All right?
Absolutely.

Mmm.

Great.

Sorry.

Oh. Hold on a second,
you forgot your...

[PIGEON COOING]

[WHISPERING] There you are.

Hey, birdy.
[PIGEON COOING]

Hi, there.

No one's gonna hurt you.

It's time for you

to go!

Gotcha!

All right, so...

How...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah. Murmur.

Bounding peripheral pulse.

What do you hear?

Patent ductus arteriosus.

It's an opening between
two blood vessels

leading from the heart.

It's supposed to close
after you're born,

but when it doesn't, you get
this machine-like sound.

And then surgery.

I see.

I appreciate your help, Hank.

Not that you asked for it.

Well, you're not
a cardiac surgeon.

No. But you do
usually consult me.

I thought maybe you were
annoyed I haven't taken

a more active role
at the hospital.

More disappointed.

However, given
the circumstances,

you are forgiven.

And you're welcome.

Excuse me.

Yep. He's still
running a fever.

A summer cold, perhaps?

Or it's something he brought
with him from Tibet.

Either way, even if the
cardiac team were here,

they wouldn't move forward until
after whatever it is clears.

Fudge.

Complications.

Always complications.

I bring this child halfway
around the world, undetected,

only to be stalled
by a microorganism.

Well, we're not b*at yet.

I should draw cultures
and put him on IV antibiotics,

if he's okay with that.

I will attempt to ask him.

Rinpoche.

[SPEAKING TIBETAN]

[SPEAKING TIBETAN]

He has consented.

Uh, that's great.
But I only need one arm.

Yeah, however,
he needs both arms

to meditate.

Ah.

Right.

Knock, knock.

Hey.
Hey.

I got your message.

And, uh, corn!

A guy was selling it by the side of
the road, and no one was stopping.

I felt bad for him, so I bought a
couple of bags. You want some?

I already ate.

I meant for later.

[LAUGHING] Sure.

Sure.

So...

What was so urgent?

Well, um...

So.

I was thinking that maybe
we should discuss a getaway.

You know, just the two of us.

Maybe somewhere like, uh, the
Wheatleigh, in the Berkshires?

Because I called and they have a
cancellation for next weekend, so I took it.

And the part we discuss is?

You want to go?

Of course I want to go.

I just thought that with us being on
the down-low, it wasn't a possibility.

I'm tired of
the down-low.

So am I.

And Karen has the kids next
weekend anyway, so it's perfect.

Great. I left a message for
Nate, so fingers crossed.

Ah. This is so exciting.
[CHUCKLES]

Two whole days with
just you and me

and no kids.

Of course, uh,
that's next weekend.

Right now, I've got to get mine.

And I can take Sashi
with me if you like.

I'm sure they'd love
to play with her.

Oh, well, I don't know.

I think she had her heart set on
transcribing patient histories with me.

I'll have her back
in time for dinner.

Maybe I'll get some lobster
to go with that corn.

Huh.

[KISSING SASHl] Because you know
how much kids love lobster.

See you.

Bye-bye.

Okay.

Hey.
Hey. Oh, hi.

What are you doing? Huh? Oh,
no, just a safety inspection.

Someone slipped
and fell earlier.

So, I'm just, uh, making sure
everything's good, yeah. You?

Oh, dropping off some labs.

Ah, labs. Cool.

Yeah.

Hey, so, is it okay if I take
next weekend off from HankMed?

Absolutely.

Oh, great.
All righty, then.

What's in your hand?

Nothing.

Your other hand.

Nothing. There's nothing...

[SIGHING]

What is this?

I accidentally let a bird in this
morning, so now, I'm trying to catch it.

Okay? So, now, uh,
I prepared my emotions.

Please make fun of me now.

No. I get it.
Given the superstition.

Given the what, now?

The old saying.

"A bird flies in a window,
death knocks at the door."

That's... You're
making that up.

I'm surprised you've
never heard it before.

What? It doesn't
even make sense.

I think the idea is that the bird
comes and takes the soul to heaven.

Oh, that...

That does make sense.

Anyway, good luck.

And, uh, thank you
for next weekend.

Yes. Thank...
Thank you.

Wait, what?
What's next weekend?

Yeah, I can sterilize
the OR in 30 minutes.

Okay. Have a
safe flight, Doctor.

We're very much looking
forward to your arrival.

Okay. Bye.

Good news. The surgical
team is on its...

Way.

Care to join us?

Oh. Uh, no.

I... I don't really
meditate much.

We're playing Crossy Road
on your iPad.

Oh. Okay.

[IPAD DINGS]
Uh...

Uh, you've gotten several
of those messages, Hank.

Assuming you're HamptDoc17?

I hope it's not an emergency.

Oh, that.

Uh, yeah, no, it's not.

It's probably just my
Insta-tweet chat feed loop.

It's a dating website.

I, um... I signed up a few weeks back, but
I kind of thought the well had gone dry.

Perhaps Rinpoche's spirit
is reinfusing it.

Uh, that would be great.

But I have a hard time believing his divine
spirit is affecting my online dating.

You believe all this
is a coincidence, Hank?

You seeing me in Paige's car?

My bringing you here?

The surgery delayed?

All that?

Kind of, yeah.

Don't you?

Who am I to presume such things?

Boris.

Are you a Buddhist?

Lapsed Buddhist, perhaps.

And you?

I tend to be more a man
of science than of faith.

[SPEAKING TIBETAN]

[SPEAKING TIBETAN]

[SPEAKING TIBETAN]

Hmm.
What? What did he say?

He said he has faith.

In you.

[PIGEON COOING]

[SNORING]

[CHUCKLING]

[SIGHS]

Checkmate.

Just hold still.

All right, just relax.

It's all going to be over soon.

Lawson?

What the hell are you doing?

I know we need the bed, but let's wait
for Mr. Edwards to go on his own.

What?

No, I'm...
Look, there's a bird.

What?
Where?

It was right there.

This is so weird.

Well, you better find it.

Birds spread Histoplasmosis, candidiasis,
cryptococcosis, encephalitis.

Okay, okay.
Calm down.

It's not like it's
a contagion or something.

It's just a tiny little bird that
somebody let in by accident.

Why do I have the feeling
that that somebody is you?

I don't know, Margaret. I'm not
responsible for your feelings.

Just get the flea-bitten, flying
rat out of this hospital.

Because you know what
I'm responsible for?

What?
My patients' health.

And I will not have that
compromised by the ineptitude

of some fancy suit-wearing,
bird-chasing administrator!

[SIGHS]

DIVYA: Nate.
Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Traffic was horrendous.

Uh-oh.

When's the last time
you saw Sashi?

Well, like, an hour ago.

She...
What?

She's with Raj.

Oh.

Of course.

I don't know what
I was thinking.

Guess I'm a little off my game.

I'll say. I wasn't expecting
you till Friday.

Did you not get my voicemail?

No, I got it.

But apparently, I, uh,

misunderstood it.

Is something wrong?

No, I just...

I just get this way sometimes.

It comes, then it goes.
I'm hot, then I'm cold.

I'm like a walking
Katy Perry song.

When you say you get this way
sometimes, what do you mean?

Nothing.
I'm probably just tired.

Nate.

Headache-y.

Fever-y.

You want to examine
me, don't you?

Yeah, I do.

Okay.

You don't have appendicitis.

But it could be a viral infection
or an immune deficiency.

I'd like to get some blood
and urine samples.

Is that really necessary?

Well, Nate, this is your health
we're talking about here.

And your hotel reservation.

And that.

[COUGHING]

He seems worse, Hank.

He is.

He has cough, shortness
of breath, he has chest pain.

I'm pretty sure
it's endocarditis.

I don't know how
to translate that.

Tell him it's an infection
of the lining of the heart.

And that I'm doing
everything I can.

[SPEAKING TIBETAN]

[SPEAKING TIBETAN]

Related to the defect?

That'd be my guess.

The patent ductus
elevates his risk for it.

[SPEAKING TIBETAN]

Boris. Listen to me.

If the surgical team doesn't make
it, we should have a backup plan.

Now, the hospital has
an entire cardiac ward

that we could...
No.

For his safety, we cannot
expose him to anyone else.

Okay. But for his health, we need to at
least consider an outside cardiologist.

Now, what if Evan
does some checking?

You know, without giving any specifics,
just to vet someone who could be discreet.

And we would trust
Evan's judgment?

Absolutely.

Excuse me. Dr. John?
Hang on.

Nice work, Doctor.

Are you talking to me?
No, to me.

Mr. Lawson. I assume you're
here to look into my pants.

I'm... I'm...

The pair that were torn on one
of your conference room chairs.

I e-mailed you an invoice.

Is none of this ringing a bell?

No, sorry.
I get a lot of e-mail.

Who doesn't?

Just search for "pants
invoice." You'll find it.

Will do. So, just setting aside
the pants for one second, uh,

I was hoping to talk to you about
a potential high profile patient.

HPPs are my specialty.

Well, unless
you count cardiology.

Which, obviously, you do.

I've done Regis, Miley, Babs.

I'm the go-to guy.

Terrific.

[MONITOR BEEPING]

Aside from the name-dropping,
terrific.

So, this HPP.
We talking athlete?

Actor? Politician?

[MONITOR CONTINUES BEEPING] Do
you need to deal with that?

I'm on it.

Dr. John, she's tachycardic.

Yes, she is. Hit her
with 20 migs of diltiazem.

It's no big deal.

It is a little strange, though.

She we was doing fine until right
after that basket got here.

They always send fruit.

I've got to go.

Let me know when you want me.

We don't want him.

He may be a good cardiologist,
but he's got all the discretion

of Julian Assange on a bender.
You want me to keep looking?

No, the surgical team's only 30
minutes out. We should be okay.

All right.

Come.

His heart rate's dropped.

He's bradycardic.

I'm going
to administer atropine.

It's okay.
It's going to be fine.

Hang in there, buddy.
Okay, Poche?

Okay.

He's not responding.

He needs a pacemaker now.

Can you do that?

Yeah, of course he can. He's Hank.
He's done it a million times.

Right?

First time for everything. And
unfortunately, this can't wait.

[PRAYING IN TIBETAN]

Will that distract you?

I'll take all the help I can
get, natural and supernatural.

Nate?

Hi.

Sorry to bug you again,
but I'm feeling a lot worse.

I ache all over and
it hurts to breathe.

Okay. Let's see
what's going on.

Odd.

Your preliminary cultures all came back
negative, yet you're still running a fever.

Why is that odd?

Well, usually, a temperature means that
you have an infection of some sort.

Have you, uh, taken antibiotics
when this has happened before?

No.

Like I said, it usually just
goes away on its own.

My dad, he used to
take cold baths for it.

"I will drown it out," he'd say.

In a vampire voice?

No, in a Greek accent.

He's Greek.

Greek. Of course.

Of course what?

Familial Mediterranean fever.

It's an inherited disorder that presents
with recurring fever and inflammation.

And that's what this is?

I don't know, but we'll do
a genetic test to find out.

Sit up for me.

[GROANING]

Got it?
Yeah.

Deep breath.

It can also cause fluid
to build up in your lungs,

which is the crackling
sound that I am hearing.

I'm taking you to the hospital.

[MONK PRAYING IN TIBETAN]

Okay, here we go.

Next time you build a secret operating
room, I'd like to request fluoroscopy.

Because?

Because I'm flying blind here.

The only way I'll know when the wire is
in the right spot is to watch the EKG.

Hey.

[PIGEON COOING]

Okay. I need to maintain a sterile field,
so you need to be my second set of hands.

Hold up that V-2 lead so I can
attach this alligator clip to it.

Okay, good.
I'm in the right atrium.

I'm at the apex of
the right ventricle.

And...

We have capture.

Now I need you to attach the leads to
the pacer box, which is right there.

If you could grab that.

Good.

All right.

Plug the one marked "distal"
into the negative lead,

and the other into the positive,
just like jump starting a car.

You've never jump started a car.

Of course I have.

It's just

been a while.

[PIGEON COOING]

[SIGHS]

Okay.

Good. Nice work.

Astonishing.

The surgeon does not
even touch her patient.

Yep.

And the robotic arms are so precise,
Rinpoche will barely have a scar.

Used to be for a procedure like this, you'd
have to cr*ck open the entire rib cage.

Will it work, Hank?

It should.

It should.

When I was eighteen, with far too
much money and not enough sense,

I went off to Tibet
in search of a...

Searching.

I'd heard of a hidden monastery
that had escaped China's purges.

I was possessed with the romantic
idea of finding it and...

[SIGHS]

And then, eventually,
I did find it.

But my money had
attracted attention.

A month after I left,

the monastery was b*rned
to the ground.

My self-centered escapade was the
cause of their near-destruction.

And left me with a profound debt

I thought I'd never
be able to repay.

Who knew a robot might
be able to repair

a piece of his heart and a piece
of your karma at the same time?

No. Okay. It's... Listen.

It's two dark roast, one flat
white, three double caps,

six assorted donuts, and two
gluten-free cranberry almond scones.

You got it?
Got it.

Okay.
Small black coffee.

Uh, two sugars.

And that.

Still got it?
Yes.

Maybe.

You can do this.

Okay? I believe
in you, Philacita.

It's Philicia.

You really didn't have
to get me that.

Oh, God. At this rate, I'll be
surprised if we get anything.

Oh. So, Margaret, you'll be happy
to know that it is bye-bye birdie.

Hamptons Heritage is once
again a no-fly zone.

Somewhere out there,
the eagle has landed.

I got it.
Right.

Listen. I really want to apologize
for my outburst yesterday.

My bird-hate is
not your problem.

Wow, thank you.

Yeah. It's fine.

Animals affect
everyone differently.

I didn't use to hate birds.

Oh, really?
What happened?

You park under
a pigeon coop or something?

No.

Well, what?

You can't just dangle "I didn't
used to hate birds" out there.

Come on. What...
What happened?

My husband, Troy, repaired
power lines for the town.

And birds are always landing on those.
That is incredibly annoying.

That's not the story.

Troy had a broken ankle,
and not for the first time.

It was that kind of job.

He was home recuperating,
and I was taking care of him

and this jay flew into the den.

I chased that damn thing for an hour until
I finally got it out the kitchen door.

When I got back, Troy was gone.

He... He had an embolism.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

It was six years ago.
But still, now,

when I see birds,

flapping or cheeping or sitting on a wire
with their beady little eyes, I just...

I know it's stupid,
but I just...

I can't stand them.

Someone gave me tapioca
pudding, uh, when, uh...

When my mom d*ed.

Like, to make me feel better.

And even still, just
the sight of that stuff

gives me a knot
in my stomach. You know?

Not that I liked it very
much to begin with.

But, you know.

I never liked it either.

How is it that you always appear
at exactly the right moment?

Hi. Thank you for
keeping her last night.

Of course.
How's Nate?

Oh, okay. He should
be out by tomorrow.

Are you okay?

Hmm.

I didn't get much sleep.

Did she keep you up?

Did you keep Raj up?

It wasn't her.

It was Karen.

Karen?

What do you mean?

When I picked up the twins
yesterday, she wanted to talk.

She said she'd been thinking and that,
uh, she wants to try couples therapy.

Something I suggested long ago.

So, what did you say?

I said I'd think about it.

Which is what I was
doing all last night.

And I think I have to
at least give it a try.

For the kids' sake.

The first session is Saturday.

I feel awful.

Don't.

You said it yourself,
it's, it's...

You have to give it a try.

I'm so sorry, Divya, but I...

But nothing.

It's the right thing to do.

I'll keep in touch.

[SPEAKING TIBETAN]

[BORIS SPEAKING TIBETAN]

[SPEAKING TIBETAN]

What? What did he say?

He says he'd like me to accompany
him back to the monastery.

And he would like to bless you.

Oh. Um...

Okay.

[SPEAKING TIBETAN]

Uh. My iPad?

You want my iPad?

Uh...

He only wants to bless it, Hank.

Oh.

His heart has been repaired.

He says yours
should be, as well.

You told him about
my dating thing?

Don't be so embarrassed.
He's seven.

Right.

Um.

Okay.

[IPAD DINGS]

Just, uh...

No crazy ones, please.

What are you doing?

What?
That's not how you eat corn.

What are you talking about?
You're going round and round

like it's a sideways
barber pole.

You're supposed to go back and
forth like it's a typewriter,

like normal people do.
Like this.

Okay. You're insane.

Oh, I'm insane. Really?

Yeah.
What do you think?

I think Hank should have something other
than beer and corn on hand for his guests.

Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to get to the market,
but I was stuck in a secret operating room.

As was I.

However, my kitchen
lacks for nothing.

I assume.

Well, you're still
an attending at the hospital,

which means I'm still your boss.

Which means I can tell you to stop
eating your corn like a weirdo.

You're my interim boss,
it's a technicality,

and how I eat corn is way
above your pay grade.

I'd like to be considered
as permanent administrator.

I'm not sure that's the optimal way
to resolve these corn differences.

No, no. Not because of that.
[CHUCKLES]

I mean, seriously.

Because I like the job.

Because I care about it.

And because I think
I'm pretty good at it.

Indeed.

Well, I would be foolish not to
consider you for the position.

Well done, Lawson brothers.
I thank you.

Your combined efforts were
a most welcome asset.

As, I trust, they will be again.

Um, do you mean that in general, or
because you have something in mind?

All in good time, Hank.

Is that my corn?

What, this was yours? Sorry. It was
just sitting out on the counter.

Fine. Please, sit.

Okay. You... You want some?

Ah. And if you do,
how do you eat it?

Uh, no, thank you.
I'm not really hungry.

But I definitely
will take a beer.

Yeah, you got it.

You okay?
Thank you.

It's a long story.

You want to talk about it?
No.

Okay.

Huh? Like a
typewriter. Like this.

Huh?

Ev?

What?

You've got something
in your hair.

Huh.