01x17 - Lopez vs Dog Quinces

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat saxophone music]

How's Churro looking,
Dr. Pocha?

Does she have
a hearing problem,

or is she a mean girl
playing mind games?

Let's test it out

with a basic
canine auditory assessment.

Hey, Churro, can you hear me?

Kidding.

I did a cochlear exam earlier,

and Churro has hearing loss
because she's an old woman.

Nana says it's not polite
to discuss a lady's age,

unless she's a sucia.

Then all bets are off.

I knew she wasn't a puppy,

but seven seems too young
for hearing loss.

It is,
but 15 is right on track.

She's 15?

That's the most important year
in a young Latina dog's life.

We should throw her
a quinceañera.

Yes,
like my friend Seymour Bloom

threw his schnauzer
a bark-mitzvah.

The gefilte fish
was to die for.

It will be so fun.

We can rent a venue,
choreograph dances,

and put Churro in a poofy dress
with four tiny high heels.

That all sounds so crazy.

Not if we put it on TikTok.

It will be good publicity
for the vet's office.

I love crazy.

We could even partner
with East LA Shelter

and feature dogs
that need to be adopted.

It will be a night
Churro will never forget.

Hear that, Churro?

Oh, right, you can't.

Oy vey.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

Ooh, nice cake.

Don't--don't eat that.

This is for the dogs
at Churro's quinces.

If loving pig snout is wrong,
I don't want to be right.

I'm excited about the party.

I just got the invitation.
It's my first one.

Oh, it's your first quinces?

No, my first invitation.

You bringing anyone?
You get a plus-one.

Oh, cool.
I'll bring George.

He's already going.

You asked him first.

No, I'm going with Mayan.

So he turned you down, huh?
[laughs]

Oscar, normal people
do not want to spend

every waking moment
with George.

Don't you want to branch out,
you know,

like, find a date?

But who?

I haven't had
a girlfriend since...

the day I met George.

Why don't you let me help you
find someone?

My friends say
I'm a white "hitch."

You might be hearing
that wrong.

[upbeat saxophone music]

You're throwing the dog
a quinceañera?

You already cook for it,

kiss it,
let it sleep in your bed.

What's next, you gonna send it
to a liberal arts college?

A quince is a big step up, Mayan,

for a dog that was found
in a porta-potty.

The whole point
is to promote the clinic,

find homes for strays,
and end the night

before the guests
start humping each other.

Don't tell me how to party, Mayan.

I can't believe you're
this excited about a quinces.

When you were 15,
you refused to have one.

Yeah, you said,
"Ew, it's, like,

a total patriarchal event,
so off fleek."

It's for a good cause.

And if we're gonna find
these shelter dogs homes,

this quinces needs
to be big and flashy,

so I need all of us
to pitch in as a family.

Fine. I'll help.

It will probably be the closest
I get to planning a wedding.

Great, so you two
are gonna work together

on music and decorations.

I want a female mariachi band

who know Rihanna's
entire catalog off book.

They have female mariachis?

What do their grito sound like?

"Ayyy,
put that toilet seat down"

We wouldn't have to say it
if you would do it.

Well,
I we wouldn't have to do it

if you would just stand up.

Hey, there's no time
for your bickering.

We have a lot to do.

Oh, Mayan,

these decorations seem a little
over-the-top for dogs.

Maybe if we could be simple,
we can have--

A daughter who knows
exactly what

she wants this quinces to be,

and no one should dare
to question her?

Sure.

She's being so extra.

This is textbook "está loca."

[upbeat saxophone music]

Churro's grandparents
are working together

to make sure her quinces
is a magical night

for all our adoptable dogs.

I'm gonna put your father up
for adoption.

[high pitched] Adopt me.
I'm mostly housebroken.

And if you want more of this,
come to the quinceañera.

Or any day of my childhood.

What's the problem?

You were supposed to finish
that arch an hour ago.

He's not helping.

He's sucking the air
out of the balloons.

You want to deflate something?

Why don't you start
with your giant head?

[high pitched]
Cálmate, bruja.

Oh, that voice stopped
being funny 20 balloons ago.

And that voice stopped
being pleasant 20 years ago.

It's fine.

Quinten and I will handle
the balloons.

Did you guys meet
with the mariachi band?

Yes, The Mariachi-chis.

They're beautiful, talented,

and they even have a chihuahua
that plays a tiny guitar.

Great.
So you booked them?

Negative.

Your mom wanted
to pay them less

because they're female.

Gross.

It's wrong, but why should
everyone benefit except for me?

I didn't invent America.

I had it all set up,
but, of course,

she had to take over
like she always does,

and now none of us get
to spend Saturday night

with six loud women
and a funny dog.

Oh, see,
that's what he always does.

He treats everything
like a joke.

And no one is laughing, payaso.

Well, I'm no one,
and I am.

Okay, okay,
everyone take a deep breath.

Not of helium.

This quinces is very important
to Churro.

So I'll call and smooth things
over with the Mariachi-chis.

And we still need to make


So, Mom, go in that corner
and make 15.

Dad, go in that corner
and make two.

I'll fix his two once
he slips into a helium coma.

Mayan, look.
I'm a Mariachi-chi.

[laughs]

[upbeat saxophone music]

All right, Tom, let's go
flush Jerry out of your molars.

When you said you wanted
to meet somewhere

with a lot of single women,
I thought you meant a bar

or a funeral home.

No better place
than cat day at the clinic

to meet lonely women.

Hey,
a cat is a great companion.

And it won't sleep
with your friend

when you go to Austin
for a weekend.

Let's give you the lowdown

on some of these
eligible bachelorettes.

- Brookie?
- Yeah.

That's Sharon.

She's a successful businessperson

who designs high-end beanies.

Wow, I don't think so.

Okay, Annabelle over there
was runner-up in the '97

Miss Mary Jane pageant,

and now she has her own line
of beard-friendly bongs.

Cool.

Yeah, no.

Damn.

You are picky for a scrub.

What about--oh, Jupiter?

She's a triple-jointed
yoga instructor

who teaches
sex marathon workshops.

Pass.

This man ain't right.

All of these women
are great options.

What is the problem?

I'm imagining us out on a date.

And I just don't think
George would have a good time.

Hey, you need to stop
letting your life

revolve around George.

Like, don't worry
about what he wants.

What do you want?

I'm never gonna find anyone.

Hey, you will.

And when you do, the connection
will be undeniable.

You'll look into their eyes,
and you'll know

that this is the person
that you were meant to be with

until the end of time.

That's what happened
with me and Mayan.

I thought you knocked her up
and were stuck together.

That too.

[upbeat saxophone music]

Five, six, seven, eight,
and turn.

[dog barks]

Beautiful footwork, Penny.

Alfred, chills.

Bear, you're k*lling me.

Great work, Gordo.

Take five, everybody.

And don't eat any poop.

You've got to fit
in those dresses.

Okay, even though
your grandparents

set us a little behind,

the balloon arch is done,
the Mariachi-chis are booked.

I think we might actually
pull this thing off.

You missed, bruja!

[loud thump]
Ay!

Okay, you got me that time.

What is going on?

Like they say,

never work with animals
or grandparents.

Seriously?

She ruined the centerpiece
that I made.

He was doing it wrong.

I have my own process.

You were sniffing the glue.

That's my process.

Hey, your centerpiece isn't
better than the one I made.

Oh, I'm gonna glue
your fat mouth shut.

- I'm gonna glue it shut.
- Oh, ahh, ow!

God, stop.
Just stop arguing!

- She started it.
- He started it.

You know what,
I should have never

asked you guys to do this.

I'm done.
Forget the whole thing.

This quinces is canceled.

Because of this?

[upbeat saxophone music]

[upbeat saxophone music]

I can't believe
Churro's quinces is canceled.

Do you know how hard it was
to teach a pug the paso doble?

He has four left feet.

I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm upset too.

I made custom evening wear
for ten dogs.

I saw the dresses.

Yeah, maybe it's for the best.

Quinten,
you beautiful white bitch.

Oh, thank you.

What did I do to deserve that?

I used your advice,
and it worked.

I met an amazing woman.

See, when faced
with a problem in life,

no matter how big
and insurmountable,

the answer is always
less George.

So tell me
about the lucky girl.

Her name is Gina,

and our connection
was undeniable.

We were both at 7-Eleven
at 3:00 a.m.

reaching for the same six-pack
of Bud Light Clamato.

Our hands touched.

I mean, it was electric.

She was way out of my league, man.

I mean, I'm, like, a 7,

and she's, like, a 10,
even more than a 10,

like, an 11,
and I was thinking,

"Can a 7 and an 11
even be together?

Can they?"

And then I looked up,
and I saw a sign, "7-Eleven."

And it was just meant to be, dude.

And then guess what.

We went home together
and dry-humped.

A greater love story
has never been told.

Move over, "Titanic."

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

I mean,
it's been a few hours.

You think Mayan's still mad?

She was upset about a dog's
birthday party.

I'm sure she's fine.

[sobbing]

Okay, she's not fine.

[sobbing]

Mayan,
this breaks my heart.

You ordered McDonald's
without me?

Go away!

I can't believe you ruined
another quinces.

What do you mean by another?

I only remember ruining
this one.

How many other dog quinces
have you thrown?

I'm talking about my quinces
ten years ago.

Your quinces?

You didn't have one
because you didn't want one.

I said I didn't want one,
but I did.

I lied.

Why would you do that?

I don't read minds.

And your father, well,
he doesn't read anything.

It was the year you guys
were getting a divorce.

Why would I have a party
when you guys couldn't even be

in the same room without
screaming at each other?

Oh, Mayan, I mean,
the party wouldn't have been

more dramatic or louder
than any other Latino party.

I turned 15,

but without
the pink decorations,

the lavender dress,
and the mariachi band

playing "Diamonds"
by Rihanna in español.

It was the first
of many sacrifices

I would have to make
after you guys separated.

Mayan,
I don't know how to say this,

but I believe
it's pronounced "Rih-ah-na."

Not now, borracho.

I was so stupid to think that
we could do this as a family.

The party's ruined.
The dog adoption's ruined.

And I can't find
my honey mustard.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

I've lost my appetite.

Mayan's tears
made this bun soggy.

Oh, seeing her cry
really took me back

to when we first told her
we were getting a divorce.

She was hurting so much.

We all were.

Maybe we should have
held it together better

in front of her.

Yeah, maybe we could have
yelled at each other

in an empty parking lot

and not in Mayan's
school parking lot

in front of all her friends.

I mean, I've been trying
to make amends with Mayan,

but I can't do that

unless I also make amends
with you too.

And I could stand
to treat you better too

now that we're a family again.

But you're still going home

to your place tonight,
though, right?

Yes.

Ay.

I feel terrible that we've
ruined things today.

Do you think we can fix it?

No, I don't.

That burger's been compromised.

Oh,
you mean the thing with Mayan?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
we gotta make that right.

[upbeat saxophone music]

[upbeat saxophone music]

It's sad that we can't use
all these dresses,

but I guess lucky
that the church is throwing

a dog clothing drive.

Yeah, I made that up.

You will believe anything when
you're loopy on honey mustard.

both: Surprise!

Oh, my God.

It's perfect.

You got everything I wanted.

How did you make this happen
so fast?

I did everything
your mom told me to do.

[high pitched]
And we even had a little fun.

I had it altered and cleaned.

You shouldn't smell like
ground beef around those dogs.

Thank you.

[chuckles]

It was a lot of work, Rosie,
but it was well worth it...

just to see the smile
on that chihuahua's face.

[upbeat saxophone music]

Welcome to Churro's quinces!

[cheers and applause]

Sorry there's no churros
or quesadillas,

but we spared no expense
on dog water, so drink up.

[cheers and applause]

Now let's bring out the court.

Vámonos!
[whistles]

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

Everyone look adoptable.

Your life is on the line.

♪ ♪

♪ Como diamante brillamos ♪

It's happening, Churro.

We're finally becoming women.

♪ ♪

♪ Hay luz reflejada
en el mar ♪

♪ Tu alegría está en mí ♪

♪ Tú y yo, tú y yo ♪

♪ Como diamantes al brillar ♪

♪ Eres como
un estrella fugaz ♪

Oh, she's so beautiful.

Will you stop focusing
on Churro?

We finally figured out
this is Mayan's day.

♪ We're beautiful
like diamonds in the sky ♪

[upbeat electronic music]

[dog barks]

♪ Shine bright
like a diamond ♪

♪ Shine bright like
a diamond ♪

♪ Shining bright
like a diamond ♪

♪ Beautiful like diamonds
in the sky ♪

♪ Shine bright
like a diamond ♪

♪ Shine bright like
a diamond ♪

♪ Shining bright
like a diamond ♪

♪ Beautiful like diamonds
in the sky ♪

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music]

Sorry I haven't had time
to meet your date.

I've been trying
to stop these dogs

from desecrating the church,
and I am failing miserably.

I can't wait for you
to meet Gina.

I don't know what it is,

but I feel like
I've known her for years.

That's great.

I'm glad you're finally
moving on from George.

What's up, fools?
Hee-yah!

Quinten, this is Gina.

Well, Georgina.
She goes by Gina.

It's nice to meet you,
George... ina.

The pleasure's all yours,
Macklesnore!

[laughs]

- Isn't she great?
- Yeah.

Hey, if you're happy,
I'm happy.

I'm never gonna get
that dry-humping story

out of my head.

[clears throat]

We just want to thank everyone
for coming to celebrate

the woman of the hour.

We're so proud of you.

You're a great daughter,
a loving partner,

and an amazing mother.

And every day
when I look in your face,

I see so much of Rosie.

You better still be talking
about Mayan like I am.

We're sorry that our problems
made you grow up so fast.

And we're glad
that we are finally able

to give you the day
you always wanted.

We love you so much.

And we know
that this day celebrates you

becoming a woman,

but you'll always be
our little girl.

So, everyone,
can we raise a glass

or a bowl?

To Churro!
all: To Churro!

If she could hear
any of this,

she'd be crying too.

- Oh, Mayan.
- Oh.

Man,
they really love that dog.

It's a good thing
you're cute, dummy.

[upbeat music]

They're playing my song!

♪ ♪

Come on, man, what's
with all these water bowls?

You have to have a beer
back there somewhere.

Here, I got you, homes.

Thanks.
You're here with Oscar, huh?

I hope you don't
mind me saying,

but I think you're way
out of his league.

I know.

But he adores me.

And I adore letting him do
everything for me.

[laughter]

That's what's up.

Hey, no beer in church.

both: I can never do nothing!

[upbeat saxophone music]