01x19 - Lopez vs The Godfather

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat saxophone music]

Nana, I'll take mine black.

There's a substitute teacher
I need to get rid of,

so I need to be on.

Don't give him coffee.
He's just a kid.

Caffeine will stunt his growth.

All Latino kids drink it.

My mom's breast milk
went straight into my coffee.

Didn't stunt my growth.

It's true.
His head is still growing.

[phone buzzing]

Hey, what's up?
Aw, man, how you doin'?

It's been a long time, huh?

It's good to hear from you, man.

Yeah, we need to get a beer.

All right, later.

[high-pitched]
Bye.

Who was that?

Um, Verizon?

He always
uses phone companies

when he's lying.

He used to get a ton of calls

from a hoochie
named Pacific Bell.

- It's just, uh, Don Patino.
- Ugh.

- Ay.
- Ew.

I don't know who that is.

I just wanted to be part
of the conversation.

- Who's Don Patino?
- One of my oldest friends.

He actually introduced me
to Rosie.

Unfortunately,
he never stopped

introducing you to women.

I met some men
through him too--

Jack Daniels, Johnnie Walker,
and Captain Morgan.

Well, he sounds
like a Wild Turkey.

[chuckles]

'Cause--[clears throat]

After Don's wife left him,
he went crazy,

partying and gambling.

And he dragged my dad with him.

Exactly.
He was a good friend.

No, he wasn't.

He tore this family apart
and pulled you away from me.

You missed my 14th birthday

because you were with Don
on some booze cruise.

We didn't go on a cruise.

We spent all the money
on the booze.

All right, Don's not perfect, okay?

But when your mom
kicked me out,

he took me in.

We're as close
as two guys could be.

We slept nose-to-toes
on a futon.

Well, he can keep
his toes, his nose,

and his hoes...

as far away from this house
as possible.

Ah, but Mayan,
he's your godfather.

Ex-godfather.
I fired him.

I don't think you can fire
an agent of the Lord.

Take my Lord's name
out of your mouth.

Don ruined godfathers for me,

which is why
Chance never had one.

What's a godfather?

Someone who disappoints you.

Wow, Mommy, you have

a lot of fathers
who disappoint you.

Did you ever think
maybe the problem is you?

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

Hey, Tío Oscar,
what are you doing?

Oh, I'm setting up
this projector

so we can enjoy
the greatest works of art

ever projected on a screen.

- Movies?
- Shadow puppets.

Check it out.

Rabbit.

Duck.

Eastern timber wolf.

[growls]

Have you ever seen a animal?

So what do you want to do
instead, kiddo?

Can you tell me
what a godfather is?

No one wants to explain it.

A godfather?

Lucky for you,

a wonderful, tiny, Italian
winemaker made a movie

about the very subject.

♪ ♪

Hey, man,
this a nice little spot.

You know the place is legit

when the bouncer's
breastfeedin' a baby.

[chuckles]

Yeah, it's close to my house.

Sometimes I stop here
for a drink

on my way home from drinking.

Oh, you go home
after drinkin' now?

[chuckles]

Well, you would know that
if you had answered

my Instagram request.

You had five years
to click "accept."

There's a lot
of Don Patinos on Instagram.

They all me.
I keep forgettin' my password.

Man, I'm sorry I lost touch.
I missed you.

No. You're not gonna hug me,
are you?

I mean, I'm cool with it,

I just don't wanna
lose my wallet.

I would never rob you.
[chuckles]

I know there's nothing
in your wallet

but a Jersey Mike's
loyalty card

and an expired condom.

But condoms don't expire.

They're like salami or pills.

Oh, man. What you doin', man?
You buyin'?

What happened
to drink-n-dash Don?

The bouncer just had
a C-section.

I think you could
definitely outrun her.

I don't gotta run.

These days, I can afford
to buy my own drinks.

Remember when I used
to lose money on the ponies?

I'm finally on the other side
of that game.

Oh, what, you a bookie now?

Well, I don't owe you
any money do I?

I mean, if I do,
I'll pay you. I--

when do you leave town?

No. I own
a three-year-old thoroughbred.

She's runnin' at Santa Anita.
I named her Flyin' Mayan.

You named your racehorse
after my daughter?

That's sweet.

I guess Gorgeous George
was probably taken, huh?

You know, I miss that kid.

And I never got to meet
your grandson.

How old is he now?

He's somewhere between
his last diaper

and his first beer.

They so cute at that age.

Mm, mm.
I would love to meet him.

Yeah, man,
I don't know

if I'm gonna be able to make
that happen, you know?

Mayan's not exactly thrilled
that you're back in town.

Really?

So she forgave you
for cheatin' on her mom.

All I did was take you
to the strip club

to take advantage
of two-for-one chicken wings.

Tried to tell her that.

She thought
we went for the women.

The only thing I had on my lap
that night was a napkin.

You know
I never had kids of my own.

You guys are the only
real family I've ever had.

I know, Don.

I'd like to help you
reconnect with Mayan,

but I don't think
she'll agree to it.

Maybe we should do a--
a parrot trap.

Do you mean a parent trap,

where you get her and I
to come to the same place

- at the same time?
- No.

A parrot trap,
where you trap a parrot

and you get it to say
nice things about you to her.

But your way could work too.

♪ ♪

[upbeat saxophone music]

The games and the lights.

Man, the carpet
that hides all the pee stains.

I get a little choked up
when I say this, Mayan,

but this place
trained me for Vegas.

I'm so glad you wanted
to bring Chance here.

I had so many good times
in this place.

- [chuckles]
- Wow!

Mom, Dad, I love you,

but I live here now.

George?

George Lopez.

What are you doin' here?

Don Patino, you son of a g*n.

What a complete,
unplanned coincidence.

I told you
I didn't want to see him.

I know, but I bet Chance
wants to meet Don.

Hey, Chance,
I'm your mom's godfather.

Godfather?
I don't want no trouble.

Chance, wait!

Kids sense trouble
when they see it.

Mayan, wait.

Hey, Rosie.

Thanks for not runnin' away.

And you look great, by the way.

Don't flatter me
with things that are obvious.

Well, maybe I can flatter you
with this?

You think you can buy
my forgiveness

- 6with a cheap gift?
- [scoffs] No.

But maybe
a really expensive gift.

Chance?
Buddy, where'd you go?

- There you are.
- No, I'm not.

You never saw me.

Buddy... okay.

[grunts]

How many of you
are under there?

That's--okay.

[grunts]

Why are you hiding, Gordo?

- [grunts]
- I'd tell you,

but I don't wanna sleep
with the fishes

or wake up with a horse head
in my bed.

Wait, you watched
"The Godfather"?

- How?
- Tío Oscar showed it to me.

And now I get
why Mom didn't want

to have a godfather.
They're bad.

Especially the ones
called "Don."

Tío Oscar should not have
shown you that movie.

It is not for kids.

But Mayan's godfather
is not like that.

I'm not an expert,

but most mobsters
don't wear Birkenstocks.

See, Gordo?

Don is not a don,
he's just Don.

Right, Don?

Hey, Chance.
It's nice to meet you.

Now, I hear there's
some moles in this joint

that need to get whacked.

[screams]

That was a weird way
to phrase that, man.

Heard it when I said it.

- Come on, Mayan, talk to me.
- Not right now.

I'm pretending these moles
are your head.

I just thought
once you saw Don

that you'd remember
the good times.

No. I remember
what he does to you.

The old Dad I couldn't rely on
comes back when Don's around.

I mean, he's been here one day
and you've already lied to me.

Mom and I want
nothing to do with him.

Look what your godfather
got me.

I feel
like a cartel leader's wife.

Are you really forgiving Don

just because
he bought you a coat

that makes you look like
Mary J. Blige?

I haven't necessarily
forgiven him,

but a fur coat is a good start.

I'm gonna go see
what this looks like

in front of the fun mirrors.

See? Don's a good guy, Mayan,
and he's missed you.

Guess what he named
Flyin' Mayan?

A strain of weed?

No, but side hustle.

He named his racehorse
after you.

A horse
is supposed to make up

for ripping my family apart?

Yes?

It's a thoroughbred, Mayan.
It was thoroughly bred.

But listen,
I know you blame Don

for everything
that I did wrong,

but I make
my own bad decisions.

So if you're be
mad at somebody,

be mad at me.

- I am mad at you!
- Why? What did I do?

Hi.

I can tell I need to go,
and not just because

I'm a grown man
without a child.

The last thing I wanted to do
was cause your family trouble.

I just wanted to give you this.

What is it?

I know it doesn't
fix everything,

but your dad helped me set up
a college fund for Chance.

You've built a great life
for yourself,

and I hope this makes it
a little bit better.

Goodbye, Mayan.

He put $1,000
in this account.

You look so stupid right now.

♪ ♪

[upbeat saxophone music]

Mom, why are you
wearing that?

It's not raining.

Because if you wear fur
in public,

people throw paint at you.

What's the point
of wearing fur

if no one knows
you're wearing it?

I know.

Ugh.

I'm torn.

This college fund
Don set up is nice,

but it's not gonna make
me suddenly forget

everything he did to us.

And it shouldn't.

We didn't forgive your father immediately.

It took time.

And him proving that
he could do the right thing

over and over again.

Actions speak louder than fur.

[sighs]

It's just,
last time Don was in town,

I lost my dad.

I don't want
that to happen again.

And I don't trust the guy.

But you should trust
your dad.

You guys are in a good place.

And I don't think
he's going anywhere,

no matter how many candles
I light.

Hey, Mayan, can I get a beer?

Or are you gonna tell me
that's bad for me too?

[sighs] Dad,
I've been thinking about it,

and if you want
to have Don over,

- I think it'd be okay.
- What?

Yes!
[chuckles]

I can't wait
to show him my room.

Hey, but don't tell him
I--I share it with Chance,

'cause I want him to think
that I'm cool.

[theme from "The Godfather"]

♪ ♪

Hello?
Who's in here?

- [lamp clicks]
- You and I have business.

♪ ♪

You sit at my table,

you drink my beers,

you shower...

with my garden hose.

So it pains me to discover
you disrespected the family.

W-w-w-what do you mean?

You showed Chance
a scary movie.

A great movie...

but a scary movie.

I thought Chance liked it.

I-I didn't know it was wrong
to show a kid.

I-I saw it when I was his age.

And I have real fond memories,

'cause I slept with my parents
for a month.

Oh, God.

I am so sorry.

I didn't mean to do that.
I love that kid.

Will you ever forgive me?

[smooching frantically]

Not if you don't stop
kissing my hand.

Your bead tickles.

Someday...

and that day may never come,

I will call on you
to do a service for me.

Probably helping me carry
a drunk George up the stairs.

But until that day...

Don't be a doof? Please?
[chuckles]

I'll try.

You wanna watch "Godfather II"?

Do I ever.

♪ ♪

Thanks for all
the Tommy Bahama stuff, Don.

I was always afraid
of fallin' in love

with a shirt I couldn't afford.

End up lost
in the Bahama Triangle.

Happy to treat.
I love any store

where the petite section
starts at extra-large.

I love that we're
hangin' out again, man.

Just like old times.

A little bit older
and a little bud-wiser.

[chuckles]

Yeah, we were just two idiots
in a leaky lifeboat.

But at least we weren't alone.

Oh, that's right.
We did do the booze cruise!

[laughs]

[doorbell rings]
Mm! Wait.

Yeah, that's the food.

Ah. I ordered up
somethin' special.

Nothing says luxury
like lobster

thrown out a Prius.

Oh, man.
This is so cool.

I love having rich friends.

You get to eat big red bugs.

Uh, how do we get the meat
out of there, dude?

Throw it against the wall
or step on it like a roach?

[chuckles]

There's utensils in there,
but ignore the bibs.

Tommy Bahama shirts
are designed to repel butter.

[chuckles]

Mmm.

Uh, what the hell is this?

Oh, uh, that's the receipt.
Um, don't eat that.

But is says the credit card
belongs to Chance Van Bryan.

Huh.

Now, this is gonna sound
worse than it is.

But I stole
your grandson's identity.

What?

[upbeat saxophone music]

You gave me the kid's
Social Security number.

To set up a college fund!

Well, what do you think
funded the college fund?

You committed fraud
in my grandson's name.

You didn't buy me
this plus-size island wear,

Chance did.

If it means
that much to you,

I'll make the payments.

You know,
as long as I've known you,

money burns a hole
in your pocket.

You don't make those payments,
man, my grandson is screwed.

The kid is seven.

He got plenty of time
to repair his credit.

We don't fix credit
in this family.

My FICO score's 12!

Man, you played me.

Did you even really name
your horse Flyin' Mayan?

I don't have a horse.
Are you payin' attention?

Man, I thought you came back
'cause you missed me, man,

not because I was a mark.

You bein' a little bit
of a hypocrite right now.

You used to pull shady stuff
like this all the time.

I used to.
I'm not that person anymore.

I'm not gonna let
anybody mess with my family.

I just got 'em back.

I'm not gonna lose them
over you.

I just needed
a little help, G.

Get it someplace else.

Mayan was right.
I should have listened to her.

You know what, Don?

Get the hell out of here.

Well, I'm just
gonna grab--

Leave the lobster.

My grandson bought that for me.

Soon as I drop it off the roof,

I'ma eat whatever's
inside of it.

♪ ♪

How'd it go with Don?

Did he like
your Spider-Man sheets?

- You were right about Don.
- Oh, no.

Did he try to take you
to a strip club again?

I wish.

Chicken wings have the bone
on the inside, Mayan,

like a normal food.

He lied about the horse
and he stole Chance's identity.

What?
How did he do that?

I don't know.

You can just say
you have a horse.

You can name him
whatever you want.

No.
The identity theft.

How did he get Chance's social?

That college fund that
I stupidly helped him set up.

Don't worry, I'll fix it.
But in the meantime, Don's out.

He's out of our lives for good.

You look so stupid right now.

I'm sorry.

I know it must be hard
to say goodbye

to a good friend.

You know, Mayan,
I thought he had changed.

People don't change
till they're ready.

That's why I'm so proud of you

for turning
your whole life around.

Thanks.

I'm sorry that I brought him
back into your life, Mayan.

It's okay.

I don't need a godfather
when I've got my real father.

And I don't need
a horse Mayan

- when I got a human Mayan.
- [chuckles]

George, I know
you don't want to hear this.

Don's a fraud.

Did you hear about the horse,
the college fund,

- or the credit card?
- This is no time for jokes.

I don't care
why they walked into a bar.

I had my fur coat appraised.

It's 90% squirrel.



It was all just a bunch
of Mary J. Lies.

[chuckles]

Don was a fraud
and he stole Chance's identity.

The godfather is a criminal?

Badda-bing, I was right!

But if my identity was stolen,

does that mean I'm no one now?

Yep.

But you know what?
We'll get you a better name.

What do you think
of Pépe Caca-Chonies?

I'd rather be nobody.

♪ ♪

What's up, Chance?

Oh, thank God
you know who I am.

I was worried
because my identity was stolen.

I heard about that.

And do not worry,
I got it back for you.

How'd you do that?

It's a complicated
financial procedure

that involved
me selling my plasma

to several different
local area hospitals

in an effort
to pay off the card.

Speaking of which, I--I--I
probably should sit down

for the rest of the day.
[chuckles]

- [sighs]
- Thank you, Tío Oscar.

There. Of course.
We're friends.

We're not just friends.

- We're family.
- [mimics expl*si*n]

Chance is right.

There haven't been
tons of benefits

having George back in our life,

but one of them is you.

You always look out
for the family.

We were thinking that
Chance needs a godfather.

And now we know
who it should be.

I would be honored.

Unless you mean someone else,
in which case, awkward.

[chuckles]

We mean you.

So if something happens
to you guys,

I--I take care of Chance?

- No.
- [chuckles]

No. No,
he goes to Rosie first,

and then my parents,
then Tía Daisy.

Basically,
you're 15th on the list

right after Churro,
but ahead of my dad.

So what do you wanna do, godson?

I don't know, godfather,
maybe watch another movie?

One neither of us have seen,
but kid-friendly.

Hmm.

This one has a picture
of a kid watching TV on it.

Let me see that.

"Poltergeist."
Sounds fun.

[ominous music]