03x10 - Something Salted and Twisted

[bunniefuu]

Pretty fancy prices here.

Yeah, well, just so we're clear, I'm picking up the tab tonight.

Okay.

This is my celebration. I invited you.

Fine.

So don't go grabbing the check.

I won't touch the check.

I mean, if you want to leave the tip that would be all right.

I could do that.

I usually leave 15%, but if you want to leave 20... that's your call.

Thank you.

Unless you think it's easier if we just split the check.

Whatever.

Of course, in many families if someone is celebrating some good news, his brother would insist on buying dinner.

Then why don't I do that.

But I'll leave the tip.

One question.

What?

Do you have any money?

No.

I left my wallet at home.

You mean this wallet?

Oh, good, you found it.

I was looking all over.

So, uh... where did we leave things?

You're paying, we're splitting?

Oh, just shut up.

So anyway, what's this good news you're celebrating?

It's a surprise.

I want to wait till Mom gets here.

Yes, Jake, we see the spoon on your nose.

Now stop it.

Can you do it?

I don't want to do it.

Now behave yourself.

Oh, work with me.

Just wonderful.

You pick a restaurant that has no valet.

I had to park three blocks away and then schlep here in shoes that are not made for walking.

I've got a blister the size of a communion wafer, and if Mommy doesn't get something to drink immediately, things are going to get very ugly.

Let the celebration begin.

Maybe the lesson here, Mom, is to buy shoes that are made for walking.

Is it just me?

In a perfect world it would be.

Well, anyway, I'm here.

So what's your big announcement, Alan?

Jake, get that spoon off your nose.

You don't know where it's been.

It's been on my nose.

You really must start looking at trade schools for the boy.

Now that we are all here, I have some good news to share.

This is not going to be out on the newsstands for a couple of days, but I have an advance copy.

"Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy."

Good God.

Hey, Dad, you're famous.

Well, not really.

Well, among the readers of the Tarzana Pennysaver maybe a little.

Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it.

Charlie, don't be disrespectful.

Thank you, Mom.

So how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange for this puff piece?

Why do you assume that I had to buy advertising?

Is it that hard to believe that a local newspaper might run a cover story about a successful local chiropractor?

Well, frankly, yes.

Unless the local chiropractor sh*t four people to death in a mini-mart and then turned the w*apon on himself.

You know, I get why Charlie has never been able to acknowledge my accomplishments.

He's a self-centered hedonist who can't get behind anyone unless they're drunk and bent over a pool table.

That's fair.

But my own mother...

You're... up.

Refusing to even feign interest.

I did so feign interest.

You assumed that I had to buy advertising to get the article.

Well, did you?

Neighborhood advertising is a good investment.

But that is not the point.

All right, dear, what is the point?

The point is I can't even get a simple "attaboy" from my own mother.

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

[CLEARING THROAT]

Attaboy.

Feel better?

No, I do not feel better.

Did I not say it right?

You know what?

Forget it.

Let's just order, eat and get out of here.

Oh, one more of these and please keep them coming.

I'll buy the drinks.

Unless you want to split it with me.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ ♪Oh.

No, Alan, what else?

I cannot believe that our mother made us carry her to her car, just because she had a teeny-weeny little blister on her foot.

Well, hopefully the next time we have to carry her, she'll be in a handy urn.

Oh, oh...

I'll pay for the urn if you'll get the cremation.

Done.

Jake? Where's my son?

Right here, Dad.

Oh, oh, good.

Uh, now listen, boy, your old dad is not going to be here for...

Whee.

He's not going to be here forever.

And... and when I'm gone, I want there to be no doubt in your mind that I was as proud as punch about all of your accomplishments.

No matter how minuscule.

Boy, you're really plowed, aren't you?

No. Your daddy doesn't get plowed.

He just gets a little bzzz.

Bzzz.

Anyway, the important thing for you to know is how much I love you.

You told the waiter you loved him, too.

He was a very good waiter.

And it's also important for you to know that you can be anything you want.

Anything in the world.

No, I can't.

You're right. That's a crock.

But I love you...

And you have cheeks like a beaver.

Now go to bed.

You know, Dad, we've been learning about alcohol abuse at school, and if you ever need a new liver you can have half of mine.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, I thought we had a deal.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, Dad.

Best five bucks I ever spent.

Now come on, let's tuck you into bed.

Why can't my mother appreciate me?

All I wanted was once sincere "attaboy."

Is that too much to ask?

[RETCHING]

Attaboy.

Well, that looks like the last of the scallops.

Now all we got to do is wait for dessert.

Rainbow sherbet.

Oh, that should be pretty.

You know, I have spent my entire life trying to please Mom, to make her proud of me, but no more.

I... I am done trying.

Good for you.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Nope.

You know, if you put the seat down, it's easier to rest your arms.

Oh, you're right.

You are a wise man, Charlie Harper.

I do a have few pockets of specialized knowledge.

Some might call it wisdom.

And it seems warmer, too.

You're further away from the cooling effect of the water.

Not to mention the residual body heat accrued from thousands of ass-hours.

Wow, you've really given a lot of thought to this.

I'm thinking of writing a book.

And I will read it.

Thank you.

You know what I am, Charlie?

Yes.

I'm a pathological people pleaser.

Huh. I had an entirely different answer.

But more accurately, I... I am a woman pleaser.

No, Alan, I am a woman pleaser.

You're a lonely guy speckled with vomit.

I-I-I'm not speaking physically, I'm speaking psycholog... logically.

With Mom, with Judith... with every woman I've ever met.

I have twisted myself in knots just trying to get them to like me.

My... my... my education, my... my job, my clothes, my car... my very behavior, all chosen simply to get women to approve of me.

And how's that worked out for you?

They don't approve of me.

But I am going to change, Charlie.

I am no longer going to grovel for Mom's approval or the approval of any-any woman.

I am going to live the remainder of my life with pride and, and a quiet, noble dignity.

But first I'll sleep with my head in the crapper.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

[NOISY CHEWING]

Can I make you some oatmeal?

I've got cereal.

I know.

I just thought you might enjoy something hot... and quiet.

No.

[CHEWING RESUMES]

Do you have a hangover?

Yeah.

Drinking that much was a stupid thing to do.

Then why did you do it?

I don't know, Jake.

Maybe I'm just stupid.

Or maybe you just don't apply yourself.

Will you stop talking for a while?

Okay.

[LOUD CRUNCHING]

Although I do like a little conversation at breakfast.

Morning, everybody.

Shh. He's hung over.

Oh, yeah.

Well, isn't this an ironic turn of events.

Me waking up feeling all bright and chipper, and you... looking like a stool sample.

Not a big irony fan, huh?

Charlie?

Yeah?

Either stop talking or at least have the decency to k*ll me.

Boy, I'm never gonna drink.

Good job.

You scarred the kid for life.

Now he's gonna face junior high sober.

Just-just tell me one thing.

What's that?

Did I really tell the waiter I loved him last night?

You had to say something after a kiss like that.

I took care of your bathroom.

Thank you.

I hope you like the smell of pine-scented puke.

So, did I do anything else I'm gonna regret?

Well, you paid for dinner.

Aw, geez!

And after we got home, there was some drunken blubbering about how you weren't gonna grovel for the approval of women anymore.

Oh, right. I almost forgot.

I-I had a life-changing epiphany last night.

Was this before or after you yanked up a hunk of your esophagus?

No, it's no joke.

I reached a turning point.

From this day on, my actions will no longer be predicated on pleasing the castrating mother figures in my life.

[CHUCKLING]

Wha-What's so funny?

Nothing. [CHUCKLING]

I think she doubts your epiphany.

She'll see.

They'll all see.

Starting now, I am new Alan.

[BERTA CACKLING]

Starting now, I will fear no women's disapproval.

[DOORBELL RINGS] Oh, God, that's Judith.

I was supposed to have Jake ready.

She's gonna k*ll me!

Okay, starting now.

Good for you.

[DOORBELL RINGS] Oh, I better get that.

Let her wait. What she thinks of you doesn't matter.

The only thing that counts is what you think of you.

You're right.

It's what I think of me.

And?

I had so much potential.

You can forget what you think of you.

Yeah, I'm probably too close to me to see me clearly. Yeah, that's it.

Oh, do I smell like vomit?

Don't worry. I'll stand next to you.

She'll assume it's me.

Good. Good.

Hi, Alan. Jake ready?

No, he is not.

You said you'd have him ready.

Well, I don't.

And if that makes you unhappy with me, well, I don't give a rat's furry ass.

What did you just say to me?

Nothing. I'm sorry. Jake?

Starting now? Starting soon.

You know what that smell is?

Epiphany... for men.

So, how long you been in Los Angeles?

About eight months.

Haven't got a single audition yet.

Yeah, this can be a tough town if you don't know anybody.

[LONG SIGH]

Do you have, like, a head sh*t or a resume?

[LONG SIGH]

Is he okay?

I don't know.

Sir, are you okay?

I thought we came here to talk.

Not to each other.

[GROANS]

All right, let's talk. What's bothering you?

I changed my mind. I don't want to talk about it. Talk or die.

All right. I'm depressed.

I want to change, but-but I can't.

Whenever I'm confronted by a disapproving woman, something inside me just crumbles.

Well, I don't know. Maybe that's just who you are.

You know? Fish got to swim, birds got to fly, you got to crumble.

What I don't understand is that I can intellectually see the problem, but I just can't do anything about it.

Oh, excuse me, miss, can I have more of these little pretzels, please?

In a minute.

Okay, sorry, no hurry.

Look, it's very simple.

You were conditioned as a child to seek Mom's approval.

You're still seeking Mom's approval, and you make every woman in the world a substitute mom.

But what about you? We had the same mother.

Well, I handle my conditioning in a different way.

I have casual and often degrading sex with my substitute moms, but we're talking about you and not me, so forget I said that.

Oh, how I'll try.

But-but how do you deal with the fear of disapproval?

I mean, you must get sh*t down occasionally.

Occasionally? Constantly.

Constantly?

Occasionally.

It's a numbers game, Alan.

We all want the shiny apple on top of the tree.

But sometimes you got to settle for one on a lower branch.

And, of course, there's times when you just got to... pick up whatever's lying on the ground and put it in your mouth.

But how do you manage to keep going on in the face of constant rejection?

Occasional rejection.

Okay, lesson one.

Look around.

Out of all the women here, which one do you find the most attractive?

Let's see, um...

ALAN: Her.

CHARLIE: The brunette? Why?

I don't know. There's just something about her.

CHARLIE: Yeah.

Radiating waves of contempt.

You asked me who I found attractive.

That's true. That's true.

All right, she's your shiny apple.

Now, go ask her if you can buy her a drink.

What about the radiating waves of contempt?

That's just a defense mechanism for a little girl in a lot of pain.

Really? How the hell should I know?

The point is, you can't let fear stand in your way.

Well, I disagree.

Are you questioning my methods?

'Cause we can stop right now.

No, no, I'll do it, I'll do it.

Would you like some more pretzels?

Well, I am in the mood for something salty and twisted.

[LAUGHS]: You're terrible.

You have no idea.

How'd it go?

She's really got a mouth on her.

So she rejected you.

With anatomical specificity.

Good.

Good? How is that good?

How do you feel right now?

What do you mean, how do I feel? I feel humiliated.

Where? What?

Where is the humiliation? Where do you feel it?

Well, let's see, my...

Well, my stomach's all knotted. My heart is pounding.

I'm sweating like a pig.

Okay. End of lesson one.

That was lesson one?

Lesson one sucked.

Lesson two.

Have a drink.

No, sweetheart, have a real drink.

I don't like scotch.

That's okay. It's bourbon.

Oh. All right.

Yecch!

More.

How do you feel now?

I feel a little better.

Finish the drink.

Can I put some Diet Sprite in it?

Just finish it.

There you go.

Now how do you feel?

[GASPING]

I feel pretty good.

Like, you know, to hell with her.

Who cares what she thinks?

Perfect. Now, go ask that chick over there if you can buy her a drink.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. That's your big secret? Alcohol?

Shh. Don't tell anybody.

But isn't that just a temporary solution?

It's only temporary if you stop drinking.

I like it!

Diet Sprite.

[RETCHING]

I got to hand it to you, Alan.

Most guys would be off scallops for a long time.

I like scallops.

Clearly, they don't like you.

I guess you choose your seafood like you choose your women.

I beg to differ.

When it comes to women, I make them sick.

Fair enough.

So, what else did we learn tonight?

Well, let-let's see.

I learned that-that to overcome my fear of rejection ingrained in me by an emotionally distant mother, I need to completely disable my central nervous system with semi-lethal quantities of alcohol.

Bravo!

Hey, Charlie, you coming to bed or what?

I'll be there in a second.

What are you looking at?

Sorry, very sorry.

So, how have you been?

It worked!

I am totally humiliated, and I don't care.

You made real progress tonight, Alan, and I'm proud of you. Thanks, Charlie.

You're-you're a good teacher.

And-and a good brother.

Thanks.

Well...

I guess it's time for me to go work out my issues.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Good night, pal.

Nighty-night.

♪ Men...