03x12 - That Special Tug

[bunniefuu]

I just want to be clear that I am here as a last resort.

I understand.

I don't have a lot of faith in psychiatry as a science.

I think some of the dr*gs you're pushing are interesting... and I'm all for messing around with brain chemistry.

I mean, that's how I got through high school.

But in my experience, popping pills doesn't relieve social anxiety quite as well as, say, bourbon and Marvin Gaye.

Now I get it.

You're desperate and I'm full of hooey.

So in the words of Marvin Gaye...

"What's goin' on?"

Everything I say is confidential, right?

Whatever you say, stays in this room.

Kind of like Vegas.

Well, except there's no way you're leaving here with more money than when you came in.

Yeah, like Vegas.

Anyway... last night I'm out with my stupid, lame-ass brother...

Sounds like you've got some anger towards him.

Oh, you're good.

This is nice... you and me spending time together.

Why don't we do this more often?

I don't have an answer.

Me neither.

So how long till the movie starts?

About 20 minutes.

Yeah, sure.

20 minutes, not counting previews and ads, the popcorn and the giant pretzel holding hands, the big soda drinking the little soda, which frankly is cannibalism, and the always welcome reminder to turn off your cell phones and shut up, but nobody ever does because, let's face it, good manners are just the latest casualty in the ongoing collapse of Western civilization.

I now have an answer.

I miss Jake.

How can you miss him?

We just dropped him off at his friend's house.

By the way, if you ever get tired of those magazines under your bed, the kid's mom looked fairly do-able.

Forget the mom. Did you see how happy Jake was to be spending the weekend away from me?

Why would you think that?

Just because he jumped out of the car while it was still moving?

Come on, Alan, he was happy to see his friends.

Being away from you is just gravy.

I know. I know.

It's natural for him to want to spend more time with his peers than his parents.

But all the same, it's sad.

Yeah.

Sunrise, sunset.

One day, you're holding a little baby in your arms, and the next day, he's off hocking loogies and lighting farts with a bunch of Ritalin-addled sixth graders.

Why do I bother trying to share my feelings with you?

I don't know.

It's not like I encourage it.

Oh, come on.

So your kid doesn't need you like he used to.

That's a good thing.

You can spend your weekends enjoying yourself.

That's true.

And there's things I want to do that I haven't had time for.

Like that kid's mom.

No, no, I mean like reading...

Finally cracking open the classics.

Alan, if you want to cr*ck something open, I recommend that kid's mom.

No, no, I'm serious.

For years, I have been wishing that I had time to read all the great books.

Dostoyevsky, and Hemingway, Faulkner, and Dickens, and Shakespeare and history!

History: U.S. history, world history, the history of language.

I mean, why doesn't anyone speak Sumerian anymore?

I don't know because I haven't read the book!

And, oh, oh... poetry, poetry!

Byron, and Keats, and Shelley!

And biographies! Oh!

Julius Caesar, and Abraham Lincoln, and, oh, Groucho Marx!

I mean, look at them all!

Look at them! They're mocking me!

I haven't read any of them!

Okay, well, just pick one for now.

Why bother?!

There's not enough time!

There's too many books and not enough time!

Maybe you just need a system.

You know, put a book next to the toilet, and every couple days, you knock out a couple chapters.

No, no! It's too late for me!

There's not enough bowel movements left!

Maybe you need to change your diet.

No, it's hopeless!

Jake will be grown up soon and I'll be dead.

And you know what I'll have left behind?

A life of unfulfilled dreams, a shelf of unread books, and three unopened seasons of Six Feet Under on DVD.

So what are you doing tonight?

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah ♪ Men ♪ All right.

So your brother had a panic att*ck in the middle of a bookstore.

How'd that make you feel?

What the hell do my feelings have to do with anything?

Why don't you just humor me?

Well, I felt a little ashamed.

Because you felt that his behavior reflected on you?

No, because I left him there.

You left him?

Not permanently.

I came back and got him after he was all cried out and it was time for the movie.

So you still went to the movie?

Yeah, I bought the tickets online.

They don't refund those.

Red Vine?

No, thank you.

I am so sorry.

I don't know what came over me.

Nah.

Who among us hasn't collapsed, weeping, in the middle of a bookstore for no apparent reason?

You know, I think maybe I'd be better off at home.

So I'm supposed to miss the movie just because you had a nervous breakdown?

Well, kind of.

Don't you think that's a little selfish, Alan?

It's just, all of a sudden, I felt crushed by this unbelievable sense of grief, like my entire life has been an exercise in pathetic futility.

Well, I wouldn't rule it out.

Come on, bunky, cheer up.

Have a Red Vine.

I don't want a Red Vine.

Sno-Cap?

No.

Raisinets?

No.

Goober? How much crap did you buy?!

They couldn't change a hundred.

All right, I'll have a Junior Mint.

I didn't get Junior Mints.

Of course not.

Story of my life.

No Junior Mints for Alan... just Goobers.

Goobers, Goobers, Goobers.

Alan, be quiet.

Why? Why?

The first amendment gives me the right to yell "Goobers" in a crowded theater.

Goobers!

Hey, look.

Movie quiz. Let's play the movie quiz. I don't want to play the movie quiz.

Come on, it'll be fun.

I'll bet you're good at it.

All right, all right.

"Debra Winger and Richard Gere starred in An Officer and a blank."

Oh, please!

You need a hint?

There's a hint upside down in the corner.

No, I don't need a hint!

I know the answer!

Everybody here knows the answer!

Everybody on the planet knows the answer!

We're not stupid!

Chill, chill.

Oh, wait, here's another brain teaser.

"Steven Spielberg directed this modern retelling of the H.G. Wells classic w*r of the blank."

Uh, uh, couch!

w*r of the Couch!

Stop it.

Oh, no, no, I got it!

w*r of the blow it out your ...!

You know, maybe you're right.

Maybe we should go.

Wait, no, I know this one.

"Johnny Depp cruised to success in this comedy-action film inspired by a Disneyland attraction."

Pirates of the blow it out your ...!

He's behind on his reading.

Oh, oh, and let's not forget Judy Garland in that immortal classic The Wizard of blow it out your ...!

That sounds like quite an episode.

Is your brother seeing a therapist?

How would I know?

He's your brother.

He lives with you.

So?

All right, go ahead.

Just because I took him in doesn't mean I have to listen to him.

I understand.

He just whines about the same crap over and over.

Okay.

It's not even interesting crap.

It's the crap that bores the crap out of crap.

I got it.

It's crap. Go ahead.

Thank you.

So we're driving home and...

This seat is very comfortable.

Genuine leather, nine-way adjustable, lumbar support...

I wish I'd spent a few extra bucks and gotten the ejection package.

I said I was sorry.

They don't refund those tickets, Alan.

I want to go see Jake.

Why? He's at a sleepover.

I just got this feeling that he needs me.

Really? Some sort of telepathic thing?

Exactly.

I see.

Ow!

Did you know I was gonna do that?

No.

Then I wouldn't trust your psychic powers.

Come on.

We can just stop by for a few minutes.

We have time now since we decided to skip the movie.

Oh, we decided that, did we?

That's the way it went down for you, huh?

That's how you interpret recent events?!

Whoa, whoa, settle down.

You're acting like a crazy person.

Me?!

I'm acting like a crazy person?!

Are you freaking kidding me?!

Listen to yourself.

You're getting a little scary right now.

Okay, fine, you want to see the kid, we'll go see the kid.

Thank you.

Is that so hard?

Charlie... the road.

Please.

You know, when you have kids, you find that there's a deep spiritual connection.

You feel an actual tug when your child needs you.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Interesting.

What do you feel when your brother hates you?

[KIDS YELLING]

Alan. Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah, fine.

I just need to see Jake for a minute.

He's feeling a tug.

Tug?

Or it could be gas.

We're not sure.

Could you just call Jake?

Jake! Your father's here!

Put that down, Timmy!

What?

I just wanted to see if you were okay.

Oh, great.

Now I'm dead! Thanks a lot!

Doesn't count! I was talking to my stupid dad!

Well, it seems like you've got everything under control.

Actually, I ran out of ice cream.

Do you think you could keep an eye on the kids for a few minutes?

Uh... Thanks a million.

I'll be right back.

[CAR DOOR SLAMS]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

She ain't coming back.

CHARLIE: Three hours she was gone.

And when she finally came back, she was reeking of Old Spice and pot.

I see.

And she didn't even have any ice cream!

All right, let's stop here for a minute and talk in general about your feelings towards women.

No, thanks.

Rather discuss your childhood?

Nope.

Father?

Dead.

Mother?

k*lled him.

Would you like to discuss that?

We just did.

Charlie, I'm not sure we're on the same page here.

Have you ever been in therapy before?

Does massage therapy count?

No.

It's almost the same thing.

One on one with a strange woman who charges you for an hour then only gives you 50 minutes.

Why don't we just go back to your story?

Touch a nerve there, did I?

Okay, okay.

Well, Jake ignored his father the entire time we were there, so Alan was a little upset when we got back in the car.

He hates me!

My only son hates me!

He doesn't hate you.

He just didn't appreciate you telling his friends that laser tag can induce epileptic fits.

Well, it can.

Be that as it may, you probably could've gotten your point across without flopping around on the floor, rolling your eyes up and pretending to swallow your tongue.

Hey, hey, a-a picture is worth a thousand...

Charlie, stop the car.

Why?

I have to get out. I... I'm feeling claustrophobic.

There's no place to stop. We have to stop!

Where?

I-I can't breathe!

I can't breathe. I-I have to get out.

Okay... I have to get out now, now, now, now!

Okay, hold on, hold on.

[GROANS]

Oh!

The seat belt won't come off.

Just push the button.

I can't, I can't. It won't come off. Help me!

Okay, okay, move your hands.

[LOUD PANTING]

Okay.

It's passing.

Yes, it's... Yes, I-I'm okay.

No, you're not.

What?

Get out.

What?

Get out now!

Now, now, now, now, now!

[SIGHS]

That's better.

♪ Men.

He couldn't believe it, either.

[CHUCKLES]

You should have seen his face in the rearview mirror.

All right, Charlie, we've been talking for quite a while, and I got to tell you, I still don't understand why you came to see me.

You in a hurry?

Doesn't that undermine your whole pay by the hour business model?

Go ahead.

Thank you.

So, as I was driving away, I decided I needed a little quiet time for, you know, reflection and meditation.

Hey.

Hey. What took you so long?

I was sure you'd come back.

Huh. I guess that's case closed on the telepathy stuff.

What are you drinking?

I don't know. Something soothing.

Uh, uh, Kahlua and cream?

He's kidding. Give him a beer.

Must you always embarrass me?

I've had a traumatic night.

Yeah, Yeah, okay, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Hi.

Hi.

Yeah, hi.

Can we buy you ladies a drink?

No, thanks. We're already pretty blitzed.

Boy, are we blitzed.

Perfect.

I'm Charlie. This is Alan.

Amy. Beth.

Nice to meet you.

How's it going tonight?

Pretty good.

We're blitzed.

How about you?

Yeah, how you doin'?

Oh, boy. Where to start?

No one's talking to you.

What's the matter, Alan?

Yeah, what's the matter?

Well, you-you really want to know?

They don't. Trust me, you really don't.

Well, maybe it's a-a late reaction to the divorce, uh, maybe it's my son not needing me so much now that he's growing up, but...

But I think... I think it's more than that.

I-I... I think it's just life grinding me down, and I just...

[TEARY]: I don't think I can take it anymore.

Oh, you poor baby.

Poor, poor baby.

Tell us all about it.

Well, I was never a happy child.

I was a miserable kid.

And-And-And the only thing that gave my life meaning was my son.

At least you've got a son.

I've got nothing except... epilepsy.

Oh, no. Really? Oh, no.

CHARLIE: So anyway, there I was on the wedding day in front of the priest and all our friends, flopping around on the altar like an epileptic trout, when I heard her father say, "You can't marry this man.

He's damaged goods."

Oh, gee. Yeah.

Oh, gee.

That's when I realized that all the money in the world...

And I do have a lot...

Can't replace that special tug you feel... when someone loves you unconditionally.

Oh!

Oh!

Look, that's the ocean.

Ooh, the ocean.

Let's go skinny dipping. Yeah, skinny dipping.

You want to come? Yeah, come with us.

I'd love to, but I'm too sad, and I might swallow my tongue.

You two go.

Swim, splash, frolic, enjoy the healthy bodies.

Okay. Bye.

[GIGGLING]

Have you no shame?

Let me think.

Nope. Just a tug.

Now that's another thing.

My angst is real.

I-I do not appreciate you taking my tug and using it to get in someone's pants.

News flash, Alan... they're already out of their pants.

And they're gonna come back cold, wet, and in desperate need of body b*at.

Which means for those of us with normal skin temperature, it'll be a seller's market.

You're unbelievable.

No, I just think ahead.

They're only gonna last about two seconds in that water, so we have to hurry.

I'll get the wine, you light some candles, get a little ambiance going. I'm sorry, I'm really not in the mood.

Are you saying that I have to get you liquored up so I can get laid?

All right, I'll go along, but only as a favor to you.

Thank you.

I'm probably gonna have to apply the condom and get a rope and pulley to lower one of those broads onto him.

Since you're making me do this, I get Amy.

The hell you do!

Which one's Amy?

Amy's the one who overcame the eating disorder.

Starving herself or throwing up?

Does it make a difference?

It does if you're paying for dinner.

Amy is the brunette.

Got it. So I have Jennifer.

You mean Beth.

Right, right, "B" for blonde.

"B" can also be for brunette.

But Amy's the brunette.

So you could do "A" for anorexic.

Unless it's "B" for bulimic.

Good point.

We're gonna need a new system.

Do you smell something?

[SNIFFS]: Yeah, what is that?

I think you do these things just to piss me off.

Oh my God, what happened?

Well, while I was trying to put it out, my brother stupidly called the fire department.

Why was that stupid?

Have you seen a Malibu fireman recently?

They're all young, buff surfer dudes whippin' their big hoses around.

Amy and Beth jumped on their hook and ladder like a couple of Dalmatians.

I never saw 'em again.

Ah yes, the Malibu fire department.

I have several patients who compulsively masturbate to their calendar.

No kidding.

Both sexes.

So anyway, Charlie, I'm still not clear on what it is you would like me to help you with.

Uh, your anger issues, your sexual issues, your drinking.

No, no, no, no, that's all cool.

Then tell me, why are you here?

Okay. Well, I'm here to lay some groundwork for the future.

Some groundwork?

Yeah. I've come to realize that there's a very good chance that I might some day snap and k*ll my brother.

And I figure, if I'm already under a psychiatrist's care, then I can always cop an insanity plea.

You're thinking of k*lling your brother?

Shh!

Doctor-patient confidentiality.

♪ Men.

Check in the drawer by the coffee machine.

Hey, what do you think of this for the new drapes?

Too small.

I don't know. I think it's kind of cheerful.

I'll put it in the maybe pile.

You do that.

You know, we're also gonna have to reupholster the couch.

You think?

Well, there was a lot of water damage, which, quite frankly, I think was the result of the firemen showing off for the girls.

You could be right.

You know, I-I just want to tell you, I-I really appreciate you stickin' by me in the past couple of days, you know, pulling me out of my funk.

You really are a great brother.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

I don't know what I'd do without you, either.

But, golly, it's sure fun to think about.