03x13 - Humiliation Is a Visual Medium

[bunniefuu]

Charlie?

Yeah?

I thought we said we were gonna take things slow.

We did say that.

I guess we can't be trusted.

Charlie, talk to me.

All right.

You know what I'm gonna do to you, you dirty, filthy girl?

No, not like that.

Wrong way?

Am I a dirty, filthy boy?

No, I want to talk about us.

We're a dirty, filthy couple.

No, I want to talk about our relationship.

Well, that redirects the old blood flow.

Okay.

So what about it?

Well, you know that I really care about you?

I care about you, too.

All right, good talk.

I just want to make sure that if we do this, we're doing it for the right reasons.

Well, not to be contrary, but sometimes the wrong reasons kick everything up a notch.

I just want to make sure we give our relationship a chance to grow.

So you want to stop?

No, I really want you.

Mia, all this starting and stopping is really not good for my transmission.

I'm sorry.

I'm just so confused.

That's why you're gonna have to make this decision for the both of us.

Me?

I have to make this decision?

That's like asking the fat kid to guard the pie.

I trust you, Charlie.

Well, that is really low.

Okay, we'll wait.

Thank you.

So what do we do now?

We could take a walk on the beach.

No, seriously.

Oh, yeah. Walk on the beach.

Great.

I've always been meaning to do that.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪ Men.

Good morning. Good morning.

Looks to be a beautiful day.

Slightly overcast, but that should burn off in a few hours, leaving us with another sun- dappled afternoon in paradise.

You still drunk from last night or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?

No, ma'am. I am quite simply high on life.

Blotto.

I'm not drunk.

Alan, guess what I did last night.

Jake.

I'm leaving.

No, Jake can hear this.

Last night... Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, Charlie.

You're about to tell us something that happened last night that made you happy?

Yes. Jake.

I'm leaving.

Jake, stay.

I want to share this with my entire family.

Okay, I'm leaving.

Berta, I consider you part of my family.

Am I in your will?

No, but neither are the rest of them.

Now, listen.

Last night, I, Charlie Harper, delayed gratification.

What'd you do, wait till she fell asleep.

Wait for what?

Jake.

I'm leaving. Sit down.

What happened last night is I may have actually started a meaningful relationship.

Charlie, seriously, go sleep it off.

You're embarrassing yourself.

Come on, listen to me.

I think I might be in love with Mia.

Big deal.

You've always been in love with you-a.

Very funny.

I thought so. Did you think so?

That was pretty good.

He's eleven.

He still thinks "milk, milk, lemonade" is funny.

Oh, yeah.

Hello! Grandmommy's here.

Oh, great, tell Mom what you told us, Charlie.

No.

Tell me what.

Nothing.

Do you need a good lawyer? No.

Discreet doctor? No.

Knock-off Gucci handbag? What?

There's only so many ways I can help you dear.

It's no big deal.

I've just been seeing this ballet dancer and I think she might be the one.

Drunk?

He says no.

I think it might be one of those designer dr*gs.

Charlie, what did you take?

I'm serious.

We've been seeing each other for over a month and we're waiting to sleep together until our relationship has a solid foundation.

Well, we can rule out ecstasy.

I mean, that's a powerful aphrodisiac.

I've heard.

Nowadays you're supposed to say African American-disiac.

Jake.

You sure this time?

Yeah.

I'm leaving.

Has it occurred to any of you that maybe I've finally matured?

Maybe I'm finally ready to build something with a woman that isn't solely based on sex.

Has that occurred to you, Alan? Nope.

Berta? Uh-uh.

So it's not just me.

You know, I can understand your skepticism.

I've earned it.

But this girl is different.

And I'm gonna make it work.

I give him another week before he's out on the beach humping wet sand.

♪ Getting to know you

♪ Getting to know all about you ♪

♪ Getting to like you

♪ Getting to hope you like me ♪

♪ Getting to know you

♪ Putting it my way, but nicely ♪

♪ You are precisely my cup of tea... ♪

♪

♪

Hey.

Hey.

How was your date?

Fun.

We went bowling.

Still playing it slow?

Ketchup slow.

Glacier slow.

Continental drift slow.

So, slow.

I'm saying.

Hey, listen, about this living without sex thing, I was hoping you can give me a little advice.

Me? What would make you think of me?

Well, I figured you get laid less often than a boil-covered dwarf, am I right?

I don't have the actual statistics, but go on.

Well, you must get really frustrated.

I mean, how do you stop yourself from, you know, running a red light and then taunting the cop till he sh**t you?

Ah, good question.

I found that the best thing to do is to focus on your career, uh, get a hobby, become involved in community activities and, at the end of the day, if you have any energy left, find a quiet space and yank it like a monkey in a mango tree.

Interesting.

Mm.

What kind of hobbies are we talking about?

Uh, well I tried collecting stamps, uh, building model trains, but, in the end, all roads led back up the mango tree.

That's what I was afraid of.

Hey, where're you going?

I'm gonna go get in my car, run a red light and hope for a clean head sh*t.

♪ Men...

The great thing about this piece is that it fuses a classical score with jazz choreography.

Wow.

You know, on a counter programming note, the Lakers are playing Miami tonight.

Would you rather watch that?

No, no, this is fine.

Of course, I don't have a $500 bet down on the ballet.

What channel?

No, seriously, this is... Channel 2.

You know Charlie, you don't have to give up things that you like just because of me.

Okay, great.

Good to know.

Hey, as long as we're on that subject...

...there's something I want to run past you.

Go ahead.

Well, let me just preface it by saying that I am all for holding off on the sex so our relationship can develop more, you know... deepness.

I'm glad. I think it's working, too.

We're getting so much closer than we would have had we just jumped into bed together.

Good. Sounds like we're on the same page.

And just to make sure we don't jump the g*n, I was thinking maybe it'd be a good idea if I had an outlet that, you know, took the pressure off.

An outlet?

Yeah, an outlet.

Something casual, meaningless.

If I work it right, it could even be anonymous.

You mean another woman?

Well, that would be my first choice.

But for the purposes of this discussion, let's stay with the more neutral term "outlet."

I don't care what you call it.

You're asking for permission to have sex with another woman.

Only because I care about you too much to whore around without permission.

Are you crazy?

I can't go back to the mango tree, Mia.

What?

Look, I think this is a mature, thoughtful suggestion.

In fact, there are many cultures that embrace the whole outlet concept as a way of strengthening and nurturing the primary love relationship.

Oh... [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

You can't dismiss entire cultures with...

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

I'm going home.

Oh, come on, we're just talking here.

I propose an idea, we bat it around a little bit and then we compromise.

That's the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.

How are we gonna compromise, Charlie?

Are you gonna have sex with half a woman?

Is that an option?

What's going on?

We had our first fight.

Oh. What about?

I simply suggested that as long as we weren't having sex, it would be good for our relationship if I had sex with somebody else.

And she didn't buy that?

Wouldn't even discuss it.

Women, huh?

They say they want to talk, but they don't want to talk.

What's the matter with Uncle Charlie?

Oh, he's just a little down 'cause he had a fight with his girlfriend.

That's too bad.

Why don't you go out and talk to him?

Maybe you can cheer him up a little.

How? I don't know.

Tell him a joke or something. Okay.

Might as well just give him a bowl of Milky Ways.

Hey, Uncle Charlie, what's green, has four legs and would k*ll you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you?

What?

A pool table.

That's funny 'cause you wouldn't expect it to be in a tree.

Nothin'.

Okay, I'll talk to him.

Hey, if you can work up a fart, ask him to pull your finger.

Hey. Hey.

Still haven't heard from Mia?

She won't return my calls.

You do realize that suggesting it would be good for you to have sex with other women was a monumentally stupid thing to do.

Yes, Alan, I realize it.

The question now is how do I apologize?

You mean grovel.

No, I mean apologize with my dignity and pride intact.

Oh, you sad, naive fool.

If 12 years of marriage taught me anything, it's that there is no apologizing without groveling.

Mia and I aren't married.

Are you having sex?

Continue.

First of all, the phone's no good.

You must grovel in person.

Humiliation is a visual medium.

Okay.

Next, uh, don't go empty-handed.

But, uh, keep in mind that any gifts you do offer may well end up being thrown at your head.

Uh, flowers, lingerie, jewelry... all good.

Picture frames, waffle irons, steak knives... not so much.

You actually bought your wife a waffle iron?

I was young. She liked waffles.

Anyway, the most important thing is sincerity.

Sincerity?

Yes, you absolutely must be able to fake sincerity.

You know what? I've underestimated you.

You are far more deceitful and manipulative than I've given you credit for.

Thank you.

No, I was faking sincerity.

Oh, that's very good.

But all kidding aside, I really appreciate your help.

You're welcome.

Ah! Got ya again.

That's... that was good.

Oh, hey, can you do me a favor?

What's that?

Uh, pull my finger.

You're bluffing.

Try me.

Give me another chance.

I thought I had one.

♪ Men... ♪

Hi.

Hi.

These are for you.

Aw, you didn't have to do that.

Really? My brother said I did.

Well, thank him for me.

Come on in.

I just want you to know how sorry I am.

Actually, I think I owe you an apology.

You do?!

Yeah, these are for you.

Aw, you didn't have to do that.

I shouldn't have gotten so angry with you.

Not to say that your "outlet" idea wasn't incredibly juvenile, selfish, moronic...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I accept your apology.

The point is, is that I really don't have any right to object to you sleeping with other women.

We don't have a commitment.

You're free to do whatever you want.

Well, thanks.

That's great. Very mature.

So everything's okay now?

No, you ass!

If we're gonna keep seeing each other, I want a commitment.

A commitment? Yes, a commitment.

Does that mean we can start having sex?

Is that the only reason you'd be willing to make a commitment?

It's in the top two.

Well, I think sex should wait until we get our relationship on track.

Okay, okay, let me make sure I understand this.

You want me to make a commitment that I will not have sex with anyone else while, at the same time, I'm not having sex with you?

Yes.

All right, let's come at this from another angle.

We're gonna be sexually exclusive, but without the sex?

Well, I suppose you could look at it that way.

[SIGHS]

So bottom line...

No sex for Charlie...

...with you or anyone else, for the foreseeable future.

Correct.

Are you insane?!

Charlie, if you care about us, it should be something that you want to do.

What about you? What are you giving up?

I'm giving up the same thing you are.

Do you want to sleep with other guys? Of course not.

Then you're giving up nothing!

Tell you what, I'll give up sex, you give up...

I don't know... a kidney.

Oh, don't be stupid.

Okay, okay... dancing.

Dancing's my life, Charlie.

Aha! Now we have a level playing field.

You know what, maybe you should just go.

You're right... why stay here, when I can just as easily not have sex with you in the comfort of my own home.

Oh, go to hell!

See?

That's why you didn't get a waffle iron.

♪ Men... ♪

[WHIRRING STOPS]

Hey, how'd it go with Mia?

Great. We broke up.

How's that great?

Because now I can go back to being who I really am.

And who's that?

Someone who doesn't care who he really is.

Somebody who just has fun.

Oh, I see.

Someone who spends his life in a drunken haze having meaningless sex with strangers.

If you knew who I am, why'd you ask?

Hurry, Charlie.

I'm starting to sober up.

Well, we can't have that.

No, you might find out who she is.

Here you go. Good.

Boy, I haven't been this drunk since I took my S.A.T.'s.

Doesn't seem to have held you back much.

No, just one year.

Sixth grade.

Charlie, you okay?

Yeah, I just got a lot on my mind.

[SYMPATHETICALLY]: Aw...

Do you wanna look at my boobs?

No, thanks.

You sure? It always cheers me up.

[KNOCKING]

Oh, Mia. Hi.

Is Charlie here?

Uh...

WOMAN: Tickle, tickle.

CHARLIE [LAUGHING]: Cut it out!

That was great. Do it again.

Alan, don't you think it's time you went out and kept your girlfriend company?

My what?!

Thanks for playing along.

Oh, yes, uh, uh, uh... my girlfriend.

Yes, uh, excuse me.

Coming... Pookie.

Well, this is an awkward moment.

You are such a schmuck.

Okay, the ice is broken. Good-bye, Charlie.

Oh, come on, you said yourself we don't have a commitment.

We don't even have a relationship anymore.

You know what? You're right, Charlie. Go back to your bimbo.

Hey, hey, hey, she's not a bimbo.

WOMAN: Yay.

I'm not saying she's a brain surgeon.

No, wait. Mia.

At least tell me why you came.

You wanna know why I came?

I came because, after I cooled down, I started to miss you.

And I wanted to make love to you.

That's great, it's wonderful.

And it's not gonna happen.

Why, 'cause of that bimbo?

Let me tell you something.

The entire time I was out there drinking and fooling around with her, I was thinking of you.

Oh, swell.

You know what I mean.

I would trade a hundred of her for one of you.

Are you saying you're ready to make a commitment?

Yes.

Maybe you want some time to think about it.

How could that help?

Look, I don't want to be with anybody but you, so...

I might as well be committed.

You're so funny.

You wanna go upstairs?

Not right now.

Oh, please don't tell me you've got somebody in your room.

No, no, no.

No.

I just think if we're gonna do this commitment thing, that the first time should be really special.

What have you got in mind?

Well, you know, candles, music and... maybe not having the girl I was trying to rebound with dancing half-naked on the deck with my idiot brother.

Are you sure?

Oh, yeah, he's an idiot.

Call me later.

Well, back to the mango tree.

♪ Men... ♪

Ugh, what is this?

It's a healthy cereal that won't rot your teeth.

You got that right, 'cause I'm not eating it.

Well, that's all you're getting.

Morning.

Morning. Morning.

Is he in a better mood today? Yeah.

Uncle Charlie, I got another joke for you.

Okay.

There's two muffins sitting side by side in a muffin tin in the oven.

One muffin says to the other, "Boy, it's hot in here."

And the other one says, "Holy crap, a talking muffin!"

I just don't think he knows what's funny.