05x09 - The Krusty Sponge/Sing a Song of Patrick

[bunniefuu]

Okay, and would you like
any fries with that?

(sighs)
Hey, if I get
some kelp fries

will you guys
share them with me?

Do we know you?

Two orders of fries, please.

And two orders of...

I only said one order.

l thought you said two.

Okay, I'll have two.

SpongeBob, order up.

(rumbling)

(sighing)

Welcome to the Krusty...

(whimpering)

SpongeBob, what in Neptune...

(gasps)

SpongeBob?

(shoes clinking)

(squeak)

Well, his spatula is still warm.

Well, SpongeBob, I must admit,

this is strange behavior,
even for you.

Hi, Squidward.
Good Neptune!

SpongeBob, what's gotten
into you, son?

I think he's in some kind
of self-induced trance.

No, Squidward, this is worse.

He's got the
thousand-yard stare.

I had it once meself
back in me service days.

What is it, lad?

Quick! We're losing money.

It's the boy's tiny calendar,

and he's circled today's date.

(reading):

That's what's causing all this?

Only a complete moron
would worry

about what some critic
has to say.

(whimpering)

I rest my case.

(door opening)

(squeaking)

(sniffing)

Hey, in or out, mister.

You're letting out the AC.

(eyes clank like steel)

Weirdo.

Why, hello!

You're the
television
food critic,

Gene Scallop, aren't you?

Allow me to
introduce myself.

I'm Eugene Krabs, owner and
proprietor of this fine...

Well, do you want
to order something,

or you just want to
block my reading light?

Squidward, you just
drove away Gene Scallop.

Don't you know our lives
depend on his review?

Mr. Krabs, the only
thing my life depends on

is going home at : .

Mis... Mr. Scallop,
wait, please.

Before you go,
come on, sit down.

Try one of our delicious
Krabby Patties.

It's absolutely f...

fr...

complimentary.

(screeching like brakes)

Okay, SpongeBob, that'll be all.

He's nobody.

We're doomed!

(cat meowing)
And there were no survivors.

Thank you, Barbara.

Thank you, Bob.

She is so tacky.

MAN (on TV):
And now it's time
for "Bottom Feeding"

with Gene Scallop.

Turn it up, Squidward!

Thank you, Bob.
This week, I visited...

You're welcome, Gene.

(clears throat)

This week, I reviewed
the Krusty Krab Restaurant,

a local burger joint
that's second

to none, or should I say,

second to run,
since this critic wanted

to make like a banana
and peel out

the minute he saw
how drab this crab really was.

That bad, huh, Gene?

Barbara, once I stuck my beak
through that door,

my appetite flew south
for the winter.

l mean, I'm not kidding
when I say, this restaurant

smells like the rear end
of a goat.

(goat bleating)

And how was the service, Gene?

You could find livelier help
in a graveyard,

and I'm not just...

(whispering)

The management stunk so bad,

I had to get my sweater
dry cleaned

on the way home...
with me in it!

(all muttering)
MR. KRABS:
Wait!

No, wait, wait!

However, at the
end of my visit,
Huh?

I chowed down on a meal
that titillated

my taste buds
and gratified my gullet.

That Sponge behind the grill
is no square

when it comes to cooking.

(happy mumbling)

If Krabs really wanted
to soak up the dough,

he'd sponge it up,
he'd sponge it out.

He'd over-sponge it.

You can never have
too much sponge.

Well, back to work.

(laughs)

That's me boy, SpongeBob.

That's me boy.

(cash register bell ringing)

(crowd chattering)

♪ La la la la la la la. ♪

Wow.

Okay, a little
lower! Lower!

That's perfect.
Good morning, sir.

What's with the new sign?

Oh, just making
a few cosmetic changes.

Oh, you mean like when
Squidward had that
mole taken off his...

Eh, uh, yeah,
a little bit like that.

(crowd chattering)

Morning Squidward!

Ooh.

Squidward, where did
you find those shoes?

(hissing)

GIRL:
Look, it's him!

Mr. SquarePants,
can I have your autograph?

No.

But why?

Well, the first
reason is, I have no
use of my arms, see?

Ow!

Hey, what's going on
over here?

He hit me just 'cause
I wanted his autograph.

Squidward!

l'm sorry, little girl.

Of course you can
have his autograph...

for five bucks.

What a rip!

Look at these, Squidward.

(laughs)

Looks like some sort
of horrific shroud.

They're our new
Krusty Sponge napkins.

Extra absorbent.

(laughing) You really
need to see a doctor.

Oh, that reminds me,
Squidward.

l need you
to unpack these boxes.

What's in them?

Condiments.

We got tangy, spongy sauce

and mild bobby sauce

for the not-so-daring.

Oh, clever.

Captain, my spatula
is missing, sir.

I got it right here.

Here you go, Squidward.

You're on grill duty now.

But that's SpongeBob's job.

Don't worry, Squidward.

I got something else
lined up for him.

(wheels squeaking)

(children talking)

Step right up, folks.

Take a ride
on the Krusty Sponge Fun Train.

Tickets are only $ . ,
seatbelts not included.

(train whistle blows,
playful shouting)

The children!

Okay, how am I going
to do this now?

(groans, grunting)

Mommy, is that you?

(panting)

(train whistle blows)

Mr. Krabs, I really think

I should be getting back
to the grill now.

Are you kidding, lad?

Just look at all
these paying customers.

Who's ready for another lap?

(cheering)

Keep on trucking, SpongeBob.

I got some important business
to see to in me office.

Mr. Krabs, uh,
this is a bad time, isn't it?

No.

Well, there's a
man out back

with a delivery
and says

you need to sign for it.

Okay, tell him
I'll be right out.

Got it. Oh! Precious skull!

Let's watch the language,
Squidward!

Sign here, here and here.

My pleasure.

What the heck is all this stuff?

I'm glad you asked.

We got SpongeBob
drinking straws,

coasters, bibs,

and me personal favorite,
SpongeBob ice cubes.

Oh.
Mr. Krabs,

don't you think
you might be taking

all of this a little bit
too far?

Get back to work, SpongeBob.

I'll be in me SpongeBob
if you SpongeBob me.

(sizzling)

Ha! Ha!

Whoops.

(whistling)

There you go, Squidward.

Now what?

Oh, you're going to love this.

Spongy Patties!

Spongy Patties?

Yeah. I want you to start
using them instead
of the other ones.

Where'd you get them?

They were just the boxes
of patties

we didn't have room for
in the freezer.

They turned yellow.

Got to keep those SpongeBob
ice cubes somewhere, you know?

You mean to tell me
you actually expect people

to pay $ . for a rotten patty?

Squidward, you're right!

This instant success
must be scrambling my brains.

We'll make them $ . !

(train whistle blowing)

(panting):
Oh, boy.

Hey, we didn't
pay three dollars

to watch you take a nap.

That's the worst SpongeBob
costume I've ever seen.

ALL:
Ride, ride, ride, ride!

Ride! Ride!

Ride! Ride! Ride!

Ride! Ride! Ride!

Ride! Ride! Ride!

Oh, what a day.

What's next?
A zombie invasion?

(screaming)

(moaning)

Mr. Krabs, open up!

We're being att*cked by a bunch
of zombies that look like me.

Uh, go away, please.

I'm busy.

Please, you don't understand!

They're all splotchy
and yellow

with distended bellies.

(screaming)

Open up! Open up!
Open up!

Ooh.

Mr. Krabs?

SpongeBob.

Great Neptune's
mother's stockings!

Zombies!

They're here to
eat me money.

Wait! They are not zombies,
Mr. Krabs,

They're your customers.
Look!

(groaning)

Oh, I ate this yellow
Krabby Patty

and now I feel sick.

Krabby Patty?

Eww! (coughs)

Man, you've got some
serious problems.

If you're trying
to pass that off

as a Krabby Patty...

lt's a... it's
a Spongy Patty.

Mr. Krabs,
what have you done?

You've poisoned
all these people!

No, but, I-I just,
l can explain.

I...

What the?

Tell it to the judge, Krabs.

Calling the courtroom
to attention

in the case of People
of Bikini Bottom vs. Mr. Krabs.

Honorable Judge
Horrace A. Whopper presiding.

(clearing throat)

Has the jury reached a verdict?

(groaning)
We have, Your Honor.

We the jury find the defendant

Eugene A. Krabs guilty

of all charges.

Very well.

Does the defendant have anything
to say

before we send him
down the river?

No, Your Honor.

Very well.

(laughing)

Hang on a second there, Judge.

That wouldn't happen

to be a SpongeBob gavel
you're using?

Oh, why, yes,
it's my prized possession.

I am a huge SpongeBob fan.

Permission to approach
the bench, Your Honor.

Sure is good to be back
behind the grill

where I belong,
Mr. Krabs.

It's good to have
you back, boy.

Let's see how Squidward is
enjoying his new position.

Take him around there
as many times as you like.

l just might have
to take you up on that.

(whip cracking)

(sighs)

I love a happy ending.

(laughing)

(screaming)

No, no!

(breaking wind)

(sobbing)

Yay!

(laughing)

Well, if only Inaudible
Lad were here right now.

Oh!

(chomping)

Nothing satisfies
like a good story.

Are ya ready
to go, Patrick?

(screams)
Get back!

I wasn't going
to eat all of you!

Patrick, it's me.

Sponge...

(belching)
Ew, what's this?

Whatever it is, it's mine.

Unless I don't want it.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm, hmm.

SpongeBob,

what do all these words say?

It's an ad.

"Dear Comic Book Reader."

That's me.
"Have you
ever thought

"about turning one
of your poems

into a hit song
on the radio?"

I never thought about anything.

"Send in your poem and $
and we'll make it a hit."

Can we go now?
My arms are getting tired.

I want to send in a poem

and everyone would love it

and I would be a star!

You can't always trust ads
in comic books.

Those X-ray specs I ordered
couldn't see

through people's skin at all.

Only their clothes.

Plus, you don't have $ .

Oh, oh...
Patrick,

could you get my wallet?

Hey!

Look, I just found $ !

It's a sign

that I should make
my hit record!

Hey, that's my
comic book money.

It's a sign!

A sign that fell
from the back of your pants.

I've learned to trust signs
like that.

Patrick!

Hey, you going to
pay for those comics?

No.

Oh!

Can I have my arms back?

I wish not to be disturbed,
SpongeBob,

for I am about to erupt
with a masterpiece.

Good luck.

(doorbell ringing)
Coming.

SpongeBob,
Ow!

could I borrow a pencil

and some paper
and a place to work?

SpongeBob,
this pencil is broken.

Why won't it make words?

You have to think of
the words yourself.

I think I wrote a poem once.

A poem by Patrick Star.

Roses are blue, violets are red

I have to go to the bathroom.

(gulps)

(belching)

How many times

l got to tell you
this is gym class!

(whistle blowing)

(kids cheering)

Dodge balls.

(door squeaking)

(singsongy):
Oh, Patrick.

(screaming):
Don't hit me with
the dodge ball!

Meow.

Why would I hit you
with a dodge ball?

I've never told anyone this.

I wrote a poem once.
No!

Wait, there's more.

When I read it to the class,

they pelted me with dodge balls,

just because we were playing
dodge ball!

(sobbing):
Why?

(sobbing)

You can play your records
later, Gary.

Patrick, is that why you've
been having trouble writing?

I'm worried my poem's
not gonna be any good,

and, and you're gonna hit me
with dodge balls.

Oh, I don't even own
a dodge ball.

Do you, Gary?

(meowing)

If you're serious,
l can do this.

I'm even going to use my brain.

That's the spirit, Patrick.

I'll open a window.

(Patrick groaning)

(grunting)

(gasping and groaning)

(straining)

(panting)

Come on, you stupid brain!

Work!

It's working!

(grunting)

Patrick, don't strain yourself!

(Patrick grunting)

Now what's going on?

What is that horrible smell?

Is Patrick thinking again?

I'm making art!

Patrick, it smells like
something crawled in your brain

and died.

That's the creative
process at work!

Ready to go to the post office?

I need to mail in
my masterpiece.

♪ And that's why you're
my cookie-wookie teddy bear. ♪

I hate my life.

I hate your life too, dude.

People, we have more songs
to finish this hour!

Next up is...

"I wrote this" by Patrick Star.

(sniffing)

Yech.

This one's really bad.

Made my eyeballs
throw up.

Oh, yeah?

I don't care how awful
his poem is.

We spent his hundred bucks
already.

Come on, guys.

We're going to do this
if it kills us.

A-one and a-two and a-...

They wanted you to have this.

My song! Ohh!

SPONGEBOB:
Come on, let's hear it.

PATRICK:
Um, I don't know.

You're not going
to throw dodge balls at me?

I don't see any dodge
balls here, buddy.

Just an artist and his work.

Yeah, and me, too.

Now sit down
and get comfortable.

Um... Patrick.

SpongeBob SquarePants,

are you ready to rock?

Whoo!

Whoa!

(rock music blaring)

It's really loud!

You need it louder? Okay.

(cheering)
♪ Twinkle, twinkle,
Patrick Star ♪

♪ I made myself a sandwich ♪

♪ My mommy made the bread ♪

♪ It tastes like
beans and bacon ♪

♪ And smells like
it's been dead ♪

♪ Writing stuff is hard ♪

♪ So I use a pointy pencil ♪

♪ Pointy, pointy,
pointy, pointy ♪

♪ Pointy, pointy, point ♪

♪ P.U., what's
that horrible smell? ♪

♪ Drum solo! ♪

(drums playing)

♪ I have a head ♪

♪ It ends in a point ♪

♪ Pointy, pointy, pointy
pointy, pointy, point ♪

♪ This song is over
except for this line ♪

♪ You win this round ♪

♪ Broccoli. ♪

That was awesome!

Did you like it?

Or did you really,
really like it?

Oh, give me your
completely honest opinion

about how great it was!

Oh, hmm... how do I
put this delicately?

That was the best
song I ever heard!

Do you really think so?

We need to get that
song on the radio!

Let's go right now.
Come on.

Darn, I just got that arm back.

I can't wait to see the look on
their face once they hear this.

(screaming)

Did you see the look
on his face?

Yeah. Did you see his ears?

I didn't know they could turn
inside out like that.

Now, how are we going to get
your record on the radio?

What record?

I got an idea.

Oh...
Oh...

We just have to play your record
from the top of this antennae.

Carry me.

Uh, Patrick...

(straining)

Tally-ho!

Mush, onward and upward.

(grunting)

(panting)

(grunting)

Faster, SpongeBob, faster!

This record won't stay put.

(mumbling)

Good idea.

(mumbling)

Yeah, I forgot.

(rock music blaring)

♪ Twinkle, twinkle,
Patrick Star ♪

(screaming)

♪ I made myself a sandwich ♪

(screaming)

♪ My mommy made the bread ♪
lt's in my head!

♪ It tastes like beans and bacon
and smells like it's been dead ♪

(loud crash)

♪ Writing stuff is hard ♪

♪ So I use a pointy pencil ♪
Lucky.

♪ Pointy, pointy, pointy... ♪

This song always makes
me think of you.

♪ P.U., what's that
horrible smell? ♪

♪ Drum solo! ♪

(drums playing,
panicked screaming)

♪ I have a head ♪

♪ It ends in a point ♪

♪ Pointy, pointy, pointy ♪
My ears!

♪ Pointy, pointy, point ♪

♪ This song is over ♪

♪ Except for this line ♪

♪ You win this round ♪
l like it.

♪ Broccoli. ♪

Wow, it looks like Bikini Bottom
is throwing a party

and you know what
a party needs.

Uh, bean dip?

Yes, that is important.

But I was thinking
about music.

Turn it up, Patrick!

♪ It tastes like beans
and bacon... ♪

Where is that awful song
coming from?

♪ And smells like
it's been dead ♪

To the radio station!

(angry shouting)

Torches, get your torches.

Pitchforks! Can't be an angry
mob without pitchforks!

Cotton Candy,
get your cotton candy.

Can't throw a riot
without cotton candy.

♪ I have a head,
it ends in a point ♪

♪ Pointy, pointy, pointy ♪
Look at that, Patrick.

♪ Pointy, pointy, point ♪

Oh, you mean the angry mob with
the pitchforks and torches?

(laughing)

That's not an
angry mob, Patrick.

It's your fan club.
Fan club?

(shouting)

Whoo-hoo! We should
sing them a song.

Who's responsible for that song
on the radio?

Why, he's right here,

Patrick Star,

musical genius.

(belching)

Let's get him, boys!

(angry shouting)

(fighting sounds)

(shouting gibberish)

(panting)

And that was my
new song called...

"Ay..."

You know, it's not
that bad.

Yeah. At least he got
that first terrible song
out of our heads.

Oh, yeah, my song,

♪ Oh, twinkle, twinkle,
Patrick Star. ♪

(whistle blowing)

Patrick, looks like
you need another lesson!

Dodge balls ready!

Uh-oh.