Peter:
and so, after career
Spanning
the cuban m*ssile crisis
The vietnam w*r and the breakup
of the soviet union
Colin powell retires
Leaving a different world
and a different m*llitary
Than the one he entered
years ago.
Thank you, peter.
Interesting to note
that an institution
Considered so conservative
Has undergone
significant changes.
When we return...
Peter:
true, jim. Take a look at
the air force.
They have women
in combat positions.
Yes, isn't that remarkable?
When we return...
When we were young
What was your image
of a pilot?
John wayne or jimmy stewart, right?
Right, frank?
I guess.
Peter:
exactly.
Two weeks ago,
in wiesbaden
I rode in an f-
flown by a pilot named lisa.
And that girl can handle
A plane as well
as any man.
Wonderful. When we...
To think
the air force
Has a -year-old pilot.
Or isn't that what you meant
When you said "girl"?
Whoops.
Old habit.
No problem.
It's just that lisa
is at least a lieutenant
And calling her a girl
has a demeaning quality.
It's not up there
with suggesting women wear veils
Or walk three feet behind
But, all things considered, it's
probably not the best way to go.
I stand politically corrected.
How about in the future
I only use the word
"girl" to refer
To girl scouts?
Although, now that I think
about it
The air force could use
a few girl scouts
Considering the way they become
heat-seeking missiles
During cookie season.
Jim?
Oh, is it my turn again?
We'll be right back.
And we're clear.
What was that?
What were you doing?
What just happened?
I thought a little
back-and-forth
Might loosen things up.
And where is the time
for this back-and-forth
Supposed to come from, hmm?
Someone's stories, perhaps?
Someone whose name starts
with a "c," ends with a "y"
Has an "ork" in the middle?
Corky, I'll handle this.
Am I supposed to cover
The career of the olsen twins
in under nine minutes?
Corky, please.
That's ½ minutes apiece.
Peter, I know this
is new for you
But we have
a format here.
When I do this,
it means you may banter
But I wasn't doing this.
I was doing this,
which means "wrap it up."
Unless you thought
I was auditioning
To become a backup singer
For tina turner.
You're not funny.
You were as bad as he was.
Now, everybody
stick to the format.
I want no more surprises.
Is that clear?
Yeah!
Morning, guys.
What's up?
Jim's getting
last night's ratings.
Uh-huh.
I see.
Thank you.
We were up again.
Oh, man!
No!
In the three weeks
peter's been on
The ratings have gone up
½ points.
There could be other reasons
the ratings have gone up.
We've done a lot
of great stories lately.
Jim's commentaries have been
better than ever.
They repainted the set.
Oh, what's the use?
Face it.
People love peter.
...you know you need
your pass card
To get into the garage.
You should have it ready
As a courtesy to those of us
behind you at the gate.
I was pulling it
out of my pocket.
You couldn't wait
two seconds
Without ramming me
with your car?
I barely touched you.
Then why did my air bag inflate?
It's probably defective.
You might want
to have it checked when you get
That tail light fixed.
How did we do last night?
You don't want
to know.
Damn.
Ah, there they are.
The people
all america watches.
And talks about.
Look at this.
Faxes, phone messages,
telegrams
From hundreds of people
so moved by last night's show
They were actually compelled
to tell us.
Why don't we go
into murphy's office
And look at them.
Peter, join us, since your name
pops up quite often.
Oh, god,
I can't stand it.
So, let's take a random look
At what our public has to say,
shall we?
"We were not amused
"By mr. Hunt's condescending
use of the term 'girl.'
The national
organization of women."
That's negative.
Very good, frank.
So is this.
"Deeply offended.
League
of women voters."
" Years
"Behind the times.
Women's rights coalition."
And then there's one
from roseanne arnold
I can't read in public
But it was accompanied
by a lovely polaroid.
Roseanne's got way too much time
on her hands.
Peter, you did offend
A substantial portion
of our audience
And you should
take responsibility.
I hope
that you'll choose your words
More carefully in the future.
Wonderful advice, murphy.
Take a little yourself.
What?
"My family's worn veils
for thousands of years
"And we're proud of it.
Signed,
mrs. Akmed aziz."
"If you were my wife
"I'd make you walk
ten steps behind.
Robert yamada."
"Thanks for taking
the heat off.
Salman rushdie."
You've got to be kidding.
Ah, the voice of the people
in action.
This isn't the same thing
at all.
Not even close.
Why not?
I am not even going
to even dignify that
With an answer.
And I don't think
you should either.
No, I'd be happy to answer.
It's not the same
because...
Because I made
an innocent comment
Based on a misunderstanding
of cultures
Other than our own.
You showed insensitivity
to people in our own society.
Miles:
then explain these.
Who are those from?
The girl scouts
of america.
You're on your own.
This is crazy.
What did I say?
You compared
those sweet little girls
To heat-seeking missiles.
Where's their sense of humor?
I have never trusted
this organization.
Think about it:
A bunch of impressionable
young children
Wearing paramilitary uniforms,
reciting oaths
And learning to start fires?
Does anybody else have
a bad feeling about this?
Oh! Too bad the show ended
Before you could share
that theory with america.
Many people were upset
by last night's comments
Which has the network brass
upset.
Which is why we're going
to issue an on-air apology
And attend a seminar
on cultural sensitivity.
(All groaning)
Look, look, look--
these are sensitive times.
There have been several cases
of misunderstood remarks
And they want
to send the message
They're taking care of it.
I'm not going to do this.
Why don't you go,
take really good notes
And I'll read them
after I finish
The bridges of madison county.
I don't think you understand
how things work around here.
If miles says
we do something
We do it.
I'm going to have to miss
the seminar
Because
of a doctor's appointment.
I haven't told you when it is.
I haven't told you
when my appointment is.
Stop it!
You are coming.
And so are you.
You two, you're like...
Acid rain, is what you're like.
And we're all just
these tender little sh**t
Struggling to survive
in the downpour.
Now, we are all going
to take that seminar
We are all going to learn
to be sensitive and caring.
Or, so help me god,
I'll k*ll you both.
Look at this, stuart, they're
all here and ready to go.
"Why wouldn't they be?"
You're probably thinking.
"No reason at all,"
I respond to you.
People, this is stuart allen
from network legal
Here to walk us through
the wonderful world
Of cultural sensitivity.
A lawyer running
a sensitivity seminar.
This ought to be good.
Yes, it should.
That's a very positive
attitude, murphy...
One stuart will report
to the network.
Since we have a town hall
meeting tomorrow night
For which we have work to do
I suggest we turn the floor
over to stuart. Stuart?
Thank you, miles.
Good evening, everyone.
The network wants me to thank you
for taking time out of your
busy schedules here at...
Fyi.
To join me tonight.
Cultural sensitivity--
an important issue for our time
But what does it mean?
"Politically correct."
We're not using that phrase.
Didn't you tell her?
Cultural sensitivity
is an awareness
That certain words,
phrases, and actions
Can offend certain individuals
or groups
Within the larger society
Leading
to unpleasant situations.
He means lawsuits.
Unpleasant situations.
We've prepared a list
of guidelines
And terminology the network
would like you to use
Whenever appropriate.
For example, "oriental"
is no longer correct.
The proper term is "asian."
"Hispanic" now applies only
to people of spanish decent
Whereas people
of mexican decent...
Are mexican-american or latino.
Look, I know this stuff.
I use it.
I'm probably one of the most
politically correct-- oops--
Culturally sensitive--
people in america.
So enjoy your seminar.
I'm out of here.
Then why do you
male-bash?
What?
You male-bash.
I've seen you do it,
and, quite frankly
It's not a pretty sight
And culturally insensitive,
don't you think, stu?
Nice try, petey.
I have a great relationship
with every man in this office.
My best friend is a man.
I don't male-bash, right, guys?
Tell him, go on.
Well, murph, you do say stuff
occasionally.
Stuff? What stuff?
You know, how men are stupid,
childish--
How our brains are in our pants.
So which part isn't true?
You just can't stop, can you?
Frank, we joke like this
all the time.
And sometimes you go
too far!
How do you think I feel
when you joke
About how all we're good for
Is opening jars
or changing tires?
I knew this would be valuable.
Thanks for sharing.
Murphy, give him a hug.
I'm not going
to give him a hug.
You men r*pe, pillage,
burn your way through history
Then start crying
when somebody makes a joke
About how you never would have
learned to walk upright
If stores hadn't put beer
On the top shelf.
Because of the sins
of the father
The sons must pay.
I have never r*ped,
pillaged, or b*rned anyone
But if I open a door
for a woman
Or ask the ladies' foursome
in front of me
To pick up the pace,
I'm attila the hun.
We're getting a little
off the track here.
Oh, really?
Do you know
what it's like
Being , male, and white?
I'm blamed for everything
from sl*very
To the destruction
of the ozone layer.
Well, damn it
Except for releasing
a few fluorocarbons
During that brief flirtation
with "the dry look"
I plead innocent.
Let's have a hug
for jim.
With all due respect, jim,
it's pretty hard to say
That living in this society
as a white man
You'd know oppression.
Now, if we're talking
about white, jewish men
That's another thing.
We're portrayed as weak,
whining, neurotic
Helpless
in any outdoor situation.
Look at that guy
on northern exposure.
Is that supposed to be
realistic?
Stu, I don't mean
to tattle.
I have only been here
a short time
But I have seen...
Make certain comments
in this area too.
When?
"Miles, the yeshiva boy"?
"Hop-along silverberg"?
"Yentl, the kosher chicken boy"?
When else?
If it makes you feel
any better
I've always thought
your people were very bright.
When my family
picks a doctor
We always look
for that jewish name.
There it is-- that bayou wisdom
we've come to know and love.
Stu, you may not
want to watch this.
She just separated one of
the gazelles from the pack.
Oh, come on. So I tease
corky a little bit.
She knows it's all in fun.
It still hurts.
Possum-hunting jokes,
beverly hillbilly cracks.
You may think it's funny,
murphy, but I don't.
I doubt if anybody else here
does either.
Well, actually...
There was that one...
Hey!
I felt for all of you!
What about my pain?
You wouldn't make fun
of japanese-americans
Or chinese-americans.
You shouldn't make fun of me
Just because
I'm a louisiana-american.
It's not like louisiana
is another country.
Have you been there?
Good one, frank.
Oh, the big, dumb man
finally said something clever.
Miles:
you tell her, frank-o!
I'd like to get out of here
at a reasonable hour.
I thought you guys
billed by the minute.
Here they come--
lawyer jokes.
That is so funny.
You know, we have feelings too.
We're lawyers, not animals.
Let's not offend
the animals.
Oh, that's right!
The whole country hates lawyers!
Meanwhile, accountants
walk the earth like gods.
We're not taking this anymore.
We're not taking it lying down.
We're fighting back,
we're organizing.
We're making our own jokes.
Know how many
journalists it takes
To screw in a light bulb?
Twelve.
And I'm not telling you why.
Do your own damn seminar.
I'm out of here.
That is, if I don't get lost
on my way to the office.
You know us men, huh?
My, this was valuable.
Feel free to blame
the entire fiasco on me.
I'm sure
it's my h*nky fault too.
(Exaggerating
southern accent:)
well, bye.
Got a possum in the oven.
Then I got to git home
and marry my cousin.
Shalom!
Well, wasn't that fun?
You know, I bet
If I drive by embassy row
I can insult
five or six countries
And still get home early enough
To make a few crank calls
to southeast asia.
So many cultures,
so little time.
I know I gave you a hard time,
but actually, I agree with you.
People have gotten
way too sensitive.
You can't say
anything anymore.
Obviously, there are certain
words no one should use
But if you're going to jump
on every little comment...
Especially comments that
any rational person would know
Were not meant to be
offensive.
Comments like "girl."
Wipe that smile
off your face!
Port jefferson!
I just want to say
how thrilled we are
To be broadcasting here--
A town with a history
of shipbuilding.
I'm excited because,
as a city boy
The only high sea
I'm familiar with
Is a fruit drink.
(Miles giggles)
No, no, really.
I've always been amazed
by people who work on ships
Since I myself get seasick
on pirates of the caribbean.
Hi. Hi.
Where are you from?
Here.
Of course you are,
and that's good
Because it's people like you
we want to hear from.
This show
Will only be as good
as you make it, so speak out
With all the enthusiasm
you've shown so far
And maybe even a little more.
Thanks. God bless.
(Moderate applause)
Oh, let me guess.
I must be down here
On the south end.
Oh, give it a rest, corky.
You give it a rest, mr. Man.
Would you like my seat?
Yes, I would.
You're not getting it.
Don't label me a gentleman.
I just love field trips,
don't you?
Okay, people.
After jim's intro
We go to murphy
reading the apology
For last week's show.
For god's sake
Watch what you say tonight.
In five, four, three, two...
Welcome to a special edition
of fyi.
Coming to you live
from a town hall meeting
In port jefferson, virginia--
a community struggling
With the economic realities
of the ' s.
But first, murphy brown
with a brief statement
Concerning last week's show.
Thank you, jim.
We at fyi would like
to apologize
For comments which were
construed as offensive
By some members of our audience.
Thanks.
But something needs
to be said.
Oh, god, not more banter.
Most of us don't want
to hurt anyone.
The reality is
A society based on free speech
Is a society in which people
are bound to get offended.
So what do we do?
Do we stop talking
to one another?
Maybe we just should announce
to the world
What each of us
finds offensive...
I'll start.
I don't like the term "black."
I prefer "african-american."
I was speaking
metaphorically.
Where did african-american
come from?
I am not from africa.
Call me black and proud of it.
No, see,
there's million of us...
I'm a native american.
What offends me:
The cleveland indians,
the washington redskins
The atlanta braves.
Why don't you call them
the atlanta italians?
That way,
instead of a tomahawk chop
Y'all can flip
A pizza
in the air.
That's an interesting point
of view, but my point is...
I'm an italian-american.
I was offended by that.
I'm offended by people who think
just because you're italian
You're in the mafia.
Sir, as someone
with the last name "fontana"
I sympathize
with what you're saying
But the point...
Every italian in the movies
is in the mafia.
Why should italians
have to put up with that
When everybody knows
it's those crazy sicilians
Behind the mafia?
Excuse me,
but my family is sicilian.
Then you know
what I'm talking about.
Woman:
my turn.
I prefer to be called
a person of size.
Who are you
kidding?
We're fat.
Million people,
and we've only heard from six.
I'm no math whiz
But we might run
into letterman's monologue.
Jim:
you know
In times like this,
we should remember
That our forefathers,
in coming to this great land
Also grappled with free speech.
Then they stole this land
from my forefathers
Who had been here
a thousand years
Before you.
Sorry.
Finally! A man apologized!
I'm waiting to hear from the man
who used the term "girl."
I think they ought
to throw him
Off the air.
All right.
Look, miss,
it wasn't my intent...
There he goes again!
It's not miss, it's "ms."
This is my point.
We can't keep jumping
on every comment
Especially if it
isn't meant to be offensive.
Any rational person would know
His use of the word "girl"
wasn't intended
To be offensive.
Wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to him.
And I don't care
What he intended or what he thought
or what he thought he intended.
I don't want to be called girl!
Okay.
How about... Car alarm?
(Murphy laughs)
You think that's funny?
I'm sorry, I do.
Funny, and a little accurate.
If germaine greer
is through.
I'm gay, and I've had it
With all
those hairdresser jokes.
Get a sense of humor, pal!
They're funny!
What's not funny
are all these polish jokes.
You hear about
the polish gay guy?
Slept with women.
(Audience laughing)
People! Excuse me.
Hey! Now, we're not going
to get anywhere
If everybody just focuses
on your differences.
Just think about all the things
you have in common.
Like what?
Like how you're all
annoying the hell
Out of me!
Look, I don't care
what anyone calls me.
I just want a job.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you for reminding us
That there are some very
important problems there.
Now, wouldn't we rather
be discussing those?
Yes, the woman
in the glasses.
I'm not the woman
In the glasses,
I'm visually challenged.
And I'm not tall,
I'm vertically enhanced
And I'm not a secretary,
I'm a personal assistant...
At least I was
until I was not fired
But vocationally dislocated.
(Audience murmuring)
Please, everyone, everyone.
Listen to yourselves.
You're acting like children.
I find that comment
very insulting.
Everyone, please!
Just turn to your neighbor
And give them
a little hug.
Thank you very much.
Oh, what a night.
When that group
in the wheelchairs
Formed a wedge and went after
the puerto ricans for statehood
I was looking
for the nearest exit.
Take you guys out
of the fyi studio
And you go to pieces.
Tonight was my kind of show.
Exciting, spontaneous,
a little dangerous...
I'm going to go see
If they turned our limo
upside down.
I love this.
I'm more confused
now than ever.
A lot of what people said
offended them made sense
But a lot of it
seemed silly.
Who decides where
to draw the line?
I will. The next time
america speaks out
They can tell it
to hugh downs.
At least the night
wasn't a total loss.
We got to hear
that great "high sea" joke.
If moses had
had material like that
The pharaoh would have
let your people go
A hell of a lot sooner.
Like I'm going to take
comedy tips from a shiksa.
Jim:
I can't wait to see the mail
we get on this one.