01x07 - Looking for a Plus-One

(pop music playing)

Patrick: So this is the show?

This is what you're putting up there?

Agustín: I've been staring at them for, like, 10 days now, you know, trying to stay objective about it, but, you know, it's really hard.

I mean, that's Franklin right there.

I've never seen Frank like this before.

I mean, this is intense.

Okay, you know what? Forget it.

Patrick: God, what are we supposed to say?

I'm sorry, it's... it's a little strange for me.

You know, you guys are just too freaked out about your own stuff.

Oh, right, okay.

Freaked out about the pop-up.

Make it about us.

Freaked out about the wedding.

Just turn it right around.

What are you talking about?

Come on, you're not freaked out about the wedding? You're not freaked out about your mom meeting Richie?

Listen, you fucker, you said you were gonna stop talking sh1t about Richie.

I'm not talking sh1t about Richie.

Come on, we all know how Danna can be.

Okay, I know that, but you mentioned Richie.

Like, please stop talking about him.

What did I say about Richie? I'm talking about your mom.

Okay, I am actually freaking out right now, so I'm gonna get another beer.

All right, will you get me another beer too?

Sure.

He's incredibly high right now.

He's like on the bug out.

I know.

Look, you hired that guy.

You paid him to have s*x with your boyfriend and then you shot it.

Now you're gonna show that to the world.

I mean, we're your friends. What do you expect us to say?

Jesus, man.

What... am I gonna do?

Danna on computer: I'm starting to get worried about the traffic.

It's gonna be fine, Mom.

Danna: And I'm sorry about my phone.

Are you sure you have time to stop by the hotel?

I'd hate to be without it today, but I don't want you to be late for the photos.

I'm not gonna be late for the photos, okay.

I'll stop by. I'll get your phone.

It's gonna go so quick.

How's Megan?

Oh, she looks beautiful, just lovely.

Good.

I'm so glad she didn't go for that yellow dress.

That would have been a terrible mistake.

Right.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, come on.

Where are you? We're waiting for you.

I know. I'm on my way.

(mutters)

Well, we're really excited to meet your... friend.

The wedding planner was thrown to have to deal with a last minute plus one, but I made sure that they squeezed in an extra chair at our table for Richard.

His name's Richie.

Is it not short for Richard?

No, Mom, it's just Richie.

Oh, do I need to change it on his place card?

There's a card?

(doorbell rings)

Look, okay, I got to go right now.

My phone!

I'll talk to you later.

Yeah, I'll get your phone.

Oh my God, you shaved.

Yeah, you like it?

I love it.

Come on, we're late. Let's go.

I just... I got to show you. I...

I spilled some coffee.

Oh, sh1t!

Yeah, the bus driver was driving like a maniac, but if I keep my jacket closed like this...

No, no, come on. I'll get you a new shirt.

You can't tell.

It's okay. Come on. Come on.

All right, you know, I'm just gonna go with a white one.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

I don't know. This is...

The other way.

I'm such an idiot.

No, no, no, it looks good. It looks good with your... new face.

You okay, Pato?

Yeah, totally.

Totally excited.

For real?

Ugh, I just got off the Skype with my mom.

Oh, okay.

But she's totally excited to meet you.

You know you say "totally" a lot when you get nervous?

I do?

Totally.

(chuckles) Okay.

Give me your arm. Here you go.

Okay, okay.

And that side, and that side.

Where's my tie?

I got it here. Let's do this.

Come on, we're late.

Hold on.

You got to button your pants though.

Oh no, come on.

Oh, sh1t!

What is it?

I didn't turn my wheels.

f*ck. Oh, God.

I can pay for half of it.

No, no, no.

Don't be silly. I borrowed the car from Dom.

Fifty-eight f*cking dollars!

Jesus!

Dom: Okay, so here it is on the corner.

Hugo: Does that say Punjab Chinese?

Yes, it says Punjab Chinese.

Doris: Bombay meets Shanghai, I like it.

It's fusion.

Anyway, Lynn's friend's with the owner.

So they closed it in March, but they have the lease until next week.

What?

So we get to rush in and rush out again.

(knocks)

Anyway, everything's here, which is awesome because we just need to freshen it up a bit.

Doris: Gotcha.

You know?

Oh.

It's a one-night-only affair.

Oh, hey.

Lynn, this is Doris.

Hey, hi.

Hi. Hugo.

No, it's not just another pop-up.

Lynn: It's the beginning of a... a Portuguese culinary revolution.

Whoa. So...

Uh, when are people supposed to be eating in here?

In about 28 hours.

Excellent, okay.

(laughs)

We're gonna need some swiffers.

I just... a minute, okay?

Man: You're blocking traffic.

I know, I normally hate people like me, but it's only gonna take a moment.

Okay, here he comes right now. See?

He's on his way.

You gotta move.

This is loading only.

You don't have the... where's the phone?

The front desk is saying they don't have your mom's phone.

Are you serious?!

Yeah, or at least she wouldn't give it to me 'cause I don't look like a Murray.

Man: What are you doing? Jesus.

I promise you, five more minutes. Here, take this.

Yo, man. Hey! What are you doing?

Richie, stay!

Hey, Pauline. Agustín.

Uh, listen. This...

I hate this, but it's just not... it's not coming together.

So I'm gonna have to bow out of the show.

Sorry.

Uh, I hope you have enough time to find somebody.

Okay, uh, yeah. Thanks, bye.

(sighs)

Female: Acquaint yourself with the basic dynamics of a real bowtie.

A standard bowtie consists of...

What is that?

What is this voice? What is this video?

It's so cheesy.

(laughs) I don't know.

It's some weird YouTube Playboy thing.

Okay, you know, ah... cold hands.

You know what? Let's just forget the bowtie.

I got it.

Let's forget the bowtie.

I got it.

I like a challenge.

Patrick: I need to look at the phone to look at the Google Maps.

Could you just stop with the bow?

sh1t. Whoa.

When I say stop, I mean stop!

Okay, please.

Okay, you know what?

Pull over.

No, I'm just trying not to get us killed right now.

I get it. Can you just pull over?

Okay, let me get off the bridge first, all right?

What? No, don't get out of the car.

What are you doing?

Come on.

Come on, get out.

You need to chill out.

I'm chilled out, okay.

Here, smoke this. I'll drive.

You can relax, okay?

You brought pot to my sister's wedding?

To meet my family?

Yeah, I did.

What the f*ck are you doing?

I'm not gonna smoke a joint right now.

(scoffs)

All right, you know what?

I told you this was too soon.

I don't need to go to this thing.

Go, have a good time.

What, you're leaving?

Yeah.

No, come on, Richie.

Get back in the car.

Richie!

I'm not gonna follow you. We're already late.

Don't. I'll be fine.

sh1t.

(sighs)

Listen, I had the shop make up some options for the tables.

We have a plumbing issue.

I know.

Doris: I got a backed up prep sink over here.

I called the plumbers. They're on their way.

You know, I also was thinking maybe we should paint these columns.

Well, then it will smell like paint.

Well, I can get some industrial fans in here for over night.

It's not worth it.

We need to deal with basic kitchen function, and getting word out, and...

Well, then, if you could just make a call on the flowers.

Flowers? Jesus, Lynn.

Are you listening?

(sighs)

I'm sorry.

It's just...

No, no, no, I'll...

You know, I'll leave the flowers here and then whenever's a good time, you can...

Okay.

(bells clanging) So you think it was food poisoning?

Yeah, um, or something like that.

He actually started to feel a little bit better, but I told him it wasn't worth it to risk it.

No, not if it was food poisoning.

Mm-hmm, it's a bummer too because he was totally excited to... meet you and Dad and Megan.

Oh, she's going to be disappointed.

Hmm.

Okay.

I am not going to get upset about this grass.

(chuckles) The Langels have already made a comment about it.

Well, the Langels make a comment about everything.

Hmm, apparently, the church gardener is being treated for prostate cancer, but it's just going to look terrible in the pictures.

Well, this church needs to get it's priorities straight.

Don't they know this is a Murray wedding?

What the hell's he doing here?

Who's that?

Is that Richie?

No.

Hi.

Hey.

Kevin, this is my mom, Danna.

Hey, mom.

Hello.

Nice to meet you.

You too.

(camera clicks) Cameraman: Okay, eyes right here, guys.

Good. (clicking)

This is so crazy.

Yeah, this is really strange.

I just thought it was weird we both had weddings on the same weekend, but you had your sister's. And we had Gus's.

Yeah, and Gus and Jon... ?

Used to be lovers.

What?

Yeah, it's a big secret.

I'm joking. They're best buds...

God, you can't say that.

I can do what I want. Best buddies from Dartmouth.

But I only met Gus the other week.

Really? He's very sweet.

He's always... isn't he sweet?

Yeah.

So where's Richie?

(sighs)

He, um...

I...

I kind of f*cked up.

Ooh.

Yeah, in a big way.

Hmm.

Well, I'm glad you're here.

It's good to see a friendly face.

Yeah, it's good to see you too.

Yeah.

Megan: Hey, Patty.

Will you please come take a photo with the bride?

Will you excuse me? I'm gonna go take some pictures now.

No, no, hang on. Hang on a second.

This is not gonna work for the bowtie, is it?

Oh, right.

Can you do this?

Yeah.

Cameraman: Okay, everyone, right here.

Family. (sighs)

(camera clicks)

It can mess with your head, can't it?

Yeah.

Whenever I go home, I just regress to being 14 again.

I stay in my room, sulking, playing Tetris.

(chuckles)

Ooh, slick as f*ck.

You're a lifesaver.

Yeah, go get 'em.

All right. I'm here.

Sorry.

Can I get that...

Glad to see you could finally make it.

Yeah, Dad, good to see you too.

Can we get the brother to line up with the other groomsmen there?

Patrick: Oh, yeah right.

Back here?

Yeah.

Just step back over there.

Sure.

All right, can you see me?

Yeah.

If I can see you, you should be able to see me.

Okay.

Cameraman: All right.

Looking good.

A little bit I think. What if I check?

Great.

You got a bit red there.

Cameraman: Everybody's happy? Yeah?

(camera clicks)


Come on, babe. We're almost there.

So I called Pauline about the show.

What?

Could you slow down, baby?

Please. You're walking so fast.

Thanks.

I pulled out of the show.

Yeah, right. What, just now?

This morning.

Are you serious?

Yeah, you said you didn't want me showing the pictures anyway.

So I figured...

I had to get you that gig.

I begged Pauline to let you in.

What, you...

Wait, wait, wait. What are you doing?

You said she asked you.

Oh, yeah, well, she mentioned it.

Then I had to organize it.

Begged her to... to what?

To let your loser boyfriend put up his f*cking finger paintings on a wall?

Calm down.

You needed help. You were stuck.

All right, and I knew you weren't gonna let me give you money.

This is what you've been doing since I moved in. Don't you see that?

What I've been doing?

Yeah, I don't need you to f*cking save me.

I need you to... just be there for me.

Be there for you?

I f*cked a guy on camera so that you could make art.

Does that not count for anything?

Oh, come on.

I've seen the pictures, okay.

You didn't do that for me.

This wasn't some charitable art donation, okay.

You were in f*cking heaven.

Holy f*cking sh1t.

You're jealous that I got with CJ?

No!

I'm not jealous. That's not what it's about.

Can you even f*cking hear yourself? You set it up!

That's not what it's about, okay.

Could you just listen to me?

We're you just using him and me to get off?

No, listen. I paid him.

You paid him?

You paid a whore to f*ck me?

How much?

It's $220... an hour.

You can't even pay rent.

I know. I know it's f*cked up.

I've been nothing but supportive of your sh1t, and you've been lying to me since you moved in.

I want to f*cking tear your eyes out right now.

I just...

f*cking asshole!

So hit me. Hit me.

Hi, welcome. Have a seat.

Eat your face off.

That's perfect.

See?

Awesome.

It's like casual. You know what I'm after.

Just be you, basically.

So if I see a cockroach, I can scream?

You can scream.

Wait a second.

Dom, you're gonna be out front as well, yes?

No, I'm gonna be in back.

It's fine.

Doris used to hostess back in the day, right?

Yeah, in high school, Marie Callender's.

I was fired.

I'm... I'm sorry, but I think that's a mistake.

You need to be out front.

Okay, hold on. Guys!

How many times? What did I say?

I said communal, right?

So that means no two-tops, no four-tops.

Just like this, and like this, and like this, all right? A moment outside?

(chattering)

Hugo: All right, kids, move the tables.

(sighs) Part of what we're selling here is you.

You're the main attraction.

And Taj too, of course, but he's got to stay back there or no one gets to eat.

Look, you know I appreciate your funding this.

Funding?

But when it comes to how it's run, I don't need you taking care of me and watching over me like I'm some teenager.

Teenager, huh?

Yeah.

Hmm, hadn't thought of it like that, but now that you say it...

Here are the keys to the car, son.

Don't stay out too late.

Oh, come on.

Lynn, I didn't say I wanted you to leave...

I am your partner in... in this.

Or is there something else that's on your mind?

Are you angry with me?

Okay.

Look, um, you're right.

Tomorrow is yours, so I'm gonna go.

You need to do what you need to do.

Come on.

No, it's okay.

Come on.

You just...

Lynn.

Patrick: You see that guy over there?

The hot jock gone to seed?

Yeah, that's Cody Heller.

Kevin: He's cute.

Patrick: I grew up across the street from him.

Our dads are best friends.

And when we were home, he was always really cool.

But then at school, he would completely ignore me.

Total... c**t.

(laughs)

Ooh, that word sounds really weird coming out of your mouth.

You say it all the time.

Yeah, but I'm English. We can make it work.

Really? That's like a rule?

It's not a rule. It's a fact.

You can say it, though.

Okay, okay.

So, um, I'm making Jon propose to you.

Wow.

Yeah.

Uh, mainly because I've not been to a gay wedding and that needs to happen yesterday.

So...

Don't worry. I told her we're still way too young and dangerous for that to happen.

Kevin: Correct.

Come on, don't you want to snatch this guy up?

You guys are both really handsome?

You should just...

Oh, yeah, yes.

Maybe one day.

Darling.

And then Patrick could be the bridesmaid.

Oh, wow, thank you. Very funny.

I was thinking more the flower girl.

Oh-ho, f*ck you.

Megan: All right, flower girl.

I got to go.

Okay.

Hey, what's up? It's me.

Listen, I am really sorry about today.

I could still come pick you up.

We'd be back in time for cake... which is totally not a cake.

"Totally."

(humphs)

I guess I'm feeling nervous.

I wonder why.

Um... call me if you want.

At least it's out now.

You know?

You know, when I was with CJ, when he was on top of me... he was f*cking me...

I looked over at you, just outside of it, and you were just... just watching me.

That's all we've become.

You over there.

Me just... trying to change it.

I'm done. I just...

You got to get your sh1t out.

My sh1t?

All of it.

I don't want to live with you anymore.

Phil: Before we all dig in here, I just want to, first of all, thank all of you for coming.

And a little toast to our lovely Megan, our not so very little Megan, but I remember when you were little.

Megan: Oh yeah?

(scattered laughter)

Like the time you would take your brother there and dress him up as the Little Mermaid and then drag him through the mall with all your girlfriends.

(crowd laughs)

It's hard to believe you're that same little girl.

But, uh... we particularly like the choice you've made here in Gus.

The good thing about it... Gus loves to golf, so I've got someone I can take to the invitational with me every year.

(chuckling)

And the really nice thing about it is he has his own money.

So thank you, Silicon Valley.

All: Cheers.

♪ Finally love ♪
♪ Has found me ♪
♪ After all this time ♪

(mouths)

♪ Finally love ♪
♪ It took so long ♪
♪ Yes, it's just a crime ♪
♪ But now... ♪

(cheering)

(hollering)

(rock music playing)

Hey.

You okay?

I just needed some air.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, the chicken was dry.

Good thing you didn't have the chicken.

Yeah, I know. The salmon was pretty good.

(sighs)

So I'm sorry you didn't get to meet Richie tonight.

Yes, that was a shame.

Would've been the first time you've ever met a boyfriend of mine.

I know, yes.

And I hope he's feeling better now.

I don't know. I think maybe you should feel a little relieved.

I don't think you'd really like him very much.

And how do you know that?

Well, he's...

Mexican first of all.

All right.

And he doesn't really have any money.

Well, neither did your father when I met him.

He was getting his Masters.

Yeah, well...

Richie's not going to college any time soon.

He cuts hair in shitty barber shop and he has no real ambition to do other than just that and play the bass guitar.

Sounds like a real catch.

Yeah.

I knew that's how you'd feel.

Well, now how do you expect me to respond after a description like that?

You know, you're the real reason he's not here tonight.

Richie's not sick.

I was a jerk to him today because I was so nervous about introducing him to you because I know he's not the kind of person you want me to be with.

And what kind of person is that?

Someone like Kevin or Jon.

And what's wrong with that.

They seem lovely.

They seem just like you.

You don't get it, do you, Mom?

Everyone I'm ever with, every guy I've ever been on a date with, I judge him based on what you're gonna think of him.

And it's really f*cking me up.

I see.

Patrick.

I know I don't say everything you'd like me to say all the time... and I know I had problems when you first told us.

But I've come a long way.

And I can't help wanting what's best for you.

And I don't think you can blame me for Richie.

If he's not here... that's on you, sweetie.

Is that a pot cookie?

Well, it's actually a marshmallow krispie treat.

It's legal now in Colorado.

Oh, you want some?

No, Mom.

It really helps since I went off the Lexapro.

I didn't know you were on Lexapro.

Well, Patrick, if you asked me how I was doing every now and then, you'd know.

Franklin?

Frank?

(sighs)

Kevin: Hey.

Oh, hey.

You okay?

Yeah.

I'm super.

What's happened?

Oh, nothing.

Just today.

I used to like weddings.

(sighs)

Jon's drunk.

Oh, great.

Yeah, no, I can't stand him when he's drunk.

Are you a little bit drunk?

Yeah.

(laughs) Yeah.

But, see, I'm a nice drunk.

Yeah, that's good to know.

What?

I was gonna kiss you.

What?

I'm kidding.

Okay, 'cause that would be wei...

(sighs)

(sighs)

(sighs)

So what do you think?

Can I pull this off?

I think it is going to be the finest night for all these foodie fuckers in this town.

Are you kidding?

But it ain't gonna happen without help, darling.

Okay, are you hearing me?

Mm-hmm.

'Cause some people really do just want to help.

Those are my favorite.

(sighs)

Hey.

(sighs)

40 grand for this.

You're, uh... you're not gonna want one of these, are you?

("The Man I Love" plays)

Chorus: ♪ Someday, he'll come along ♪

Male singer: ♪ The man I love ♪

Chorus: ♪ The man I love ♪
♪ And he'll be big and strong ♪
♪ So strong ♪
♪ The man I love ♪

Chorus: ♪ The man I love ♪

Male singer: ♪ And when he comes my way ♪
♪ I'll do my best to make him stay ♪

Chorus: ♪ Make him... ♪

Chorus: ♪ I'll make him stay ♪

Male singer: ♪ He'll look at me and smile ♪
♪ I'll understand ♪
♪ And in a little while ♪
♪ He'll take my hand ♪
♪ And though it seems absurd ♪
♪ I know we both won't say a word ♪

Chorus: ♪ Maybe I shall meet him Sunday ♪

Male singer: ♪ Maybe Monday, maybe not ♪

Chorus: ♪ Still, I'm sure to meet him...♪