02x08 - Looking for Glory

[distant bells] [gulls cawing]

[Kevin breathing heavily]

Your breath is terrible.

[chuckles]

Go back to sleep.

Oh my god.

Go back to sleep.

Mmm.

All right.

Okay.

Hey.

Wake up, sleepy...

sh1t! Oh my god!

Ow. Just... just go back to bed.

Is it another earthquake?

No no, me and my stupid butterfingers.

[mutters]

Are you making me breakfast in bed, Patrick Murray?

Yeah, I was trying to, yeah.

Just leave it. Don't cut yourself.

Ugh, I even made a special trip to get goji berries.

Patrick, please come on. We'll tidy that up later.

Just come back to bed.

[sighs] Okay. Oh god.

That's so sweet.

Oh god, I got granola on my feet. [laughs]

Don't need breakfast in bed. You in bed is enough.

Mm-hm.

Minty fresh.

Of course.

Mm.

[laughs] You're really excited about tomorrow.

I am. I am.

Do you think that that fantasy bisexual goth princess from Austin will be there?

She's at every GaymerX, and she always has the coolest stuff.

Does she?

Yeah, the best.

But will she have otters battling banjee boys?

That's the thing.

I hope not.

Well, if she does, we're screwed.

No, are you kidding? We're so going to be the hit of the conference.

You think so?

Yeah.

We're taking gay-related apps to the next level.

I'm seeing like the cover of "Time" magazine.

[laughs] That's if it actually works.

I don't even think it can stand alone as it is.

I hate putting something out in the world that isn't perfect.

Well, it's close enough, okay, and I'm not waiting another year for this to come around.

We're doing it.

Okay. Well, I'm excited as well.

Clearly, yeah, you're excited.

[radio playing music]

Do you, uh, ever wear pants?

How long are you staying here again?

[laughs] Oh, are you tired of me already?

Oh, I'm this close to calling INS. [laughs]

Morning.

Wow.

Okay, two weeks, you guys are now sharing clothes, huh?

What? It's cute, and I haven't done my laundry in weeks.

Yeah, it's a choice.

What? If it looks stupid, I'm gonna change it.

It's fine.

Fine?

What does that mean?

Okay, this is that moment when Daddy's about to hit Mommy at the dinner table, so I'm gonna go ahead and excuse myself.

The whole point of having a boyfriend who's the same size as you is so you can double your wardrobe.

I wear that to work a lot.

Oh, come on. We work at MDG, not Vogue.

This isn't the "Devil Wears Dog" shirt.

Patrick, we talked about doing this a certain way.

Doing what?

First we tell people that I've broken up with Jon, and then we allow a courtesy gap.

Oh god, the courtesy gap was a real thing?

Um, yeah.

When Brad broke up with Jennifer, he didn't want people to know he was f*cking Angelina straightaway.

There was a courtesy gap.

All right, well, I was always Team Jen, so.

Oh god, you don't think people are gonna be Team Jon, do you?

I'm just trying to be sensitive about this.

And I totally get that, but didn't we also talk about taking baby steps?

I mean, so far we've just been cloistered in my room like gay nuns.

Gay nuns who have a lot of s*x and eat a lot of pizza.

That's very true, but... that doesn't feel like moving forward.

Right?

We've established a tension that...

Doesn't have a payoff.

So we've found that we lose most users at this point...

Because the gameplay falters here.

You guys have got to stop finishing each other's sentences.

It's called teamwork, Owen.

Isn't it fun to be on a great team?

I mean I guess, but I... I think it's a little weird that you guys even buy the same sweater.

Right?

Yeah.

I didn't buy this sweater.

No.

That is my sweater.

Yeah, he said I could borrow it as long as I promised not to spill anything on it.

Yeah, Butterfingers here spilled goji berries and yogurt all over his floor this morning.

Wait. Why were you at his house so early in the morning?

Because he... he stayed over.

Li... like in your bed?

Yeah.

Because you guys are a thing now?

Um, yeah, that's one way of putting it.

Uh, so Jon's totally out of the picture now?

Because he was supposed to work on my sciatica.

Hey, dude, I can't get a heads-up?

A heads-up about what?

We've sat next to each other for how long?

Owen.

Okay, if we can move on, that would be really great.

Yeah, we're good.

Good. Because we're all adults here. It's really no big deal.

Yeah, I just hope it won't impact our company culture of fairness and that heterosexuals won't be discriminated against.

Of course, Meredith. Um, absolutely.

I think Owen was really pissed I didn't tell him.

Well, maybe he's just upset that his friend is sleeping with his boss.

[laughter]

Do you know that Meredith marched straight to HR after our meeting?

Oh my god. You don't think they could actually fire us, do you?

What? No.

But there will be some whisperings and there may be some bitchy comments written on the toilet walls.

Well, whatever.

The gay genie is out of the gay f*cking bottle.

Yes, it is.

It'll just take some people a little time to get used to it.

Do you think your sister will ever get used to it?

Well, Megan thinks that I destroyed the most perfect relationship in the entire world, so no.

But, whatever.

Mm-hm.

I'm glad that it's out in the public, you know?

It makes it more real.

Mm.

This isn't some weird, secret thing anymore.

It's something we can be proud of.

Well, I am, 100%.

Well, you should be, 'cause I'm a f*cking catch.

Are you?

Yeah.

Especially in this sweater.

So, it's, you know, it looks a little messy right now, but it's gonna be great, I think.

Yeah. Absolutely.

I know I rushed into it, and I didn't wait for the money to come through.

Yeah, well, I told him not to rush it, you know?

And I quit my job and maxed out my credit cards, and I'll probably end up homeless.

But... how exciting is this?

This is so exciting.

I mean it, too. I'm not being sarcastic. I love it.

This is my place, and I can hardly believe it.

Well, it's incredible, man.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Yay.

Cheers, queers.

Ew.

Oh god.

Apparently I need a new fridge, too.

Yeah, you are setting the stage for your first one-star yelp review. Gross.

If you really wanna help, you could come put in the water filtration system with me tomorrow.

Tomorrow's Vallejo.

Vallejo?

Mm-hm.

My niece is having a birthday, but if you wanna stay and help, babe, it's fine.

No, no, no. I wanna meet 'em.

We can do the water thing later, right?

Well, if we don't put it in tomorrow, then I'll have to change a whole bunch of...

But you know what? Don't worry about it.

Just go. I'll call one of the guys to help.

No. You know what? We'll come afterwards, after we're done, all right?

Seriously.

We don't have to stay over.

Seriously, don't worry about it.

Look at your chicken window.

Look at this.

Look at it.

I'm so proud of you.

I am so proud of you.

I'm proud of me, too.

[people chattering] [grunts]

Are you sure we're ready for this?

Completely, yeah.

Hurry, let's get in there.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi, hi, we're really late.

It should be under One Up Him, but if it's not...

Matheson or Murray.

Hey, did you remember to put the new build on the iPads?

Uh, yeah, did I? f*ck, did I?

Did you?

Yeah.

Don't do that!

Yes, thank you.

Don't freak me out like that.

You got it. Thank you so much.

She said it was table number 10, next to some anime thing.

But everything looks like an anime thing.

Oh, there. I think it's over here.

Whoa.

Good costumes this year, right?

Yeah, this is amazing.

Oh sh1t. Everybody is set up except for us.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry, boys. Can I just...

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thanks.

Oh my god, they've got p0rn guys over there.

Nice.

All right, where'd you put the table clips?

Table... Oh f*ck, sorry. Really?

[sighs] All right, let me ask this guy.

Hey, neighbor.

Hey. Cute zip-up.

Thank you.

We were wondering, actually, if you had any table clips?

We left ours at home.

Always be prepared, homie.

Come on, this is GaymerX.

I know.

Ryder, do we have clips?

Extra, ah.

Thank you.

Perfect.

Thank you, so much.

Sure.

So what's "Glorified"?

It looks like a spy game.

Well, it's not.

"Glorified" lets you find all the nearest glory holes.

You can give them ratings, leave comments, message, meet up with other users.

It's like social networking for the orally adventurous.

Wow.

I thought the whole point was to not know who was on the other side of the glory hole.

No. The whole point is to get your dick sucked or to suck a dick.

Right.

So, "One Up Him," is that a Reese Witherspoon movie?

[laughing] No.

It's actually a... It's a matching game, where different kinds of gays battle each other.

Different types of gays.

Yeah.

Bears versus Twinks.

Yeah.

So, your game's about stereotypes.

Well, no, it's more... it's more about subverting stereotypes.

Ah, got it. It'll be interesting to see what you and your brother think "subverting" means.

That's not my brother. That's my boyfriend.

Really?

You guys are like identical.

Why don't you just jerk off in the mirror if you think you're so cute?

Thanks for the clips.

You're welcome. Welcome to GaymerX!

Thank you.

Have fun.

Thanks.

[grunting]

I'm close, I'm close.

I wanna see you cum.

[rubber snaps]

Give it to me, give me that wood.

Where do you want it?

On my chest, baby.

You want it?

Yeah.

You f*cking want it?

Yeah.

[intense grunt] Oh!

[laughs] Oh...

No, it's fine.

Cum for me.

Okay.

Come on. Now you're going to cum for me.

Cum for me, baby.

[exasperated sigh]

I'm gonna... I'm just gonna...

Yeah.

I'm gonna clean this.

Okay.


[knock on door]

Yeah?

Everything okay?

Yeah.

You're sure?

Totally.

Totally, I'll be right out.

[sighs]

I mean, I know it's fine.

I know you can't get it from that, and even if you could, he's undetectable.

So it's like, why am I still in my head about it?

Why am I the go-to on having an AIDS meltdown friend?

Because you're old... and wise.

Hand me the Channellock.

Uh, the what?

The Channellock. It's got blue handles.

These are pliers.

Well, these pliers are Channellocks.

Dom, I'm in crisis here.

The least you could do is refer to tools by their actual names.

You're not in crisis, Agustin.

You're just freaked out because there's a possibility you may not be equipped to date someone who's HIV positive.

It's not 1994. Just... go on PrEP.

Get over it.

Wow, okay.

Looks like someone got their library card.

No, someone was just hoping his friend who said he'd come help would actually help.

But you know I'm shitty with tools.

Why didn't you call Doris?

She's with Malik in Vallejo.

Oh, looks like someone's gonna need a new hag.

f*ck off.

You should try Craigslist.

Hags love Craigslist.

I can see it now.

"Castro clone seeks funny lady."

Mm.

"One Up Him" is a battling game, where you fight using gay archetypes.

That sounds very 2009 to me.

Yes. No, I totally get that.

But let me just show you how it works, really quickly.

You choose a category.

So you go to fierceness, okay? [beeping]

And then you pick the one that's the most fierce... so let's say, "The Furry..." [meowing]

And then you hit "Select."

It's cool, isn't it?

Is something supposed to be happening?

Yeah, no, we're still debugging it.

I just... Oh f*ck, not again.

I'm gonna go play Bro-Force.

Okay, well, just come back if you want to, okay?

We're just over at this booth over here.

You guys know... you know how it goes with, um...

You use two people...

Well, that's the whole point of the game.

Actually like each other.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Brady is covering GaymerX.

Yup.

Well.

Yeah, the last article went really well, so they're thinking maybe this is like a cover story or something.

Isn't that rad?

So rad.

What about you? What are you doing here?

What? I love video games. [laughs]

No, I... I knew this would be amazing, so I made him come.

Well, that's great. Welcome to GaymerX.

Thanks.

So are you guys, uh...

Working together, yeah. We actually...

We created this app together and this conference only happens once a year, so we thought it was really important to commit, and get it here, and get it out.

Wow.

Yeah.

Hm.

You... Are you guys sticking around tonight for the prom after-party?

Oh my God, yeah.

Would you wanna grab a bite ***, it could be... it could be like a double date.

So you guys are dating now or...

Us? Yeah. Oh you thought he dumped me.

Wel that's not exactly...

Well that's exactly what happened.

You dumped me and then you took me back, which was awesome for me because I realized I couldn't be without him.

That's cool. So you guys are like a thing now?

Yes, we are.

Are we? Yeah...

I think, yes, we are.

Yeah, we are a thing. Yes.

Okay. Gamer couple creates an app, breaks up, but reunites for love of the game and each other, and has a massive showing at GaymerX.

This is my f*cking cover story.

Oh my god.

Great.

This is hilarious, by the way.

I guess that makes you "Homewrecker Gay."

That is... Oh my god, "Homewrecker gay."

That's a really good suggestion.

We need a suggestion box here.

All right, who's ready for the big GaymerX cosplay pageant?

This is the costume thing. I gotta... I gotta shoot this, but... tonight.

Okay? Get ready. We're going deep.

Let's go deep.

Good for you.

Thanks, Richie.

[crowd cheering] Are you ready?

[continues speaking indistinctly]

Wow.

Okay.

You're a hypocrite, Patrick Murray.

Oh, come on.

What was I supposed to do? Text him out of the blue, and be like, "BT-dubs, dating Kevin, "he broke up with Jon," smiley, winky emoticon?

After all the sh1t you've been giving me?

The hypocrisy does not undermine my point that I'm trying make.

Uh, it does a little.

Maybe a little bit, but I still think...

You're very cute when you're wrong.

[sighs]

Okay.

Look at this.

We could be brothers.

Hey, twincest, get a room.

Don't worry, we already have one.

Yeah.

What does that mean?

Are you ready for this?

Mm-hm.

Ta-da.

This is nice.

You sneaky little puppy.

But wait, there's more.

More?

Yes.

Follow me into the bedroom.

[chuckles]

I brought our suits for the prom.

Ah, well done.

That's my favorite tie.

I know.

You must've known that.

Flowers.

Mm-hm.

Patrick.

Are you trying to redo some bad high school prom experience?

Well, my prom was basically like in "21 Jump Street" when that nerdy girl lit the gym on fire, so yes.

But now, I have a very important question for you.

Oh god.

Kevin Matheson?

Yeah.

Will you be my gay gamer prom date?

I thought you'd never ask.

Oh!

Hey.

Is this your hiding spot?

This is my work-too-frigging-much- and-I-need-a-break spot.

Jesus Christ, this f*cking city.

It's 85 degrees and burning, and then an hour later, it's negative 14 and freezing.

You kinda disappeared on me.

Yeah, Dom needed help with the new place.

Yeah, I... I can't do this, Agustin.

Do what?

I've been through it too many times.

A really well-intentioned guy says that he's totally cool, and well informed, and big surprise, he's not.

I just can't anymore.

Okay, that's not what's going on.

No, do you have any idea what it's like to be a big poz queer in this town?

Everyone in San Francisco loves to talk about how well informed they are and how inclusive they are.

But, like, really, when you get down to it, they're just the same self-hating, close-minded, racist gays that you see prancing on Santa Monica Boulevard in WeHo.

Okay, okay, look.

I got weird, okay, and I don't know why.

It's something I gotta work on.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, but I will work on it, okay?

Because for whatever reason I'm super into you.

Now listen, go get your stuff because it's Kylie night at Toad Hall, and we're long overdue for a shirtless dance session.

You know we are.

Fine.

[dance music playing]

Wow, look at this!

Oh, wow!

This is already a thousand times better than high school.

This is crazy.

Whoa.

I have a question.

Oh, yeah?

Will you dance with me?

Uh, no.

♪ ♪

♪ Ba-Ba-Ba-Baby ♪

Everybody loves him. Ugh!

[laughing] ♪ 'Cause I don't want to fall in love ♪

What else? What else?

Kissing, right?

Yeah, kissing, yes.

Look how gangster you are in that.

This is so much fun.

I have a lazy eye in that.

[Kevin laughs]

Oh.

I look a little chunks.

But you look great.

No, you don't, you look wonderful.

♪ We're running out of words to say ♪
♪ And love's floating away ♪
♪ Just say you love me,
just for today ♪
♪ And don't give me time ♪
♪ 'Cause that's not the same ♪
♪ Want to feel burning flames ♪
♪ When you say my name ♪
♪ Want to feel passion flow into my bones ♪
♪ Like blood through my veins ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't wanna fall in love ♪
♪ If you don't wanna try ♪
♪ But all that I've been thinking of ♪
♪ Is maybe that you might ♪
♪ And, baby,
it looks as though ♪
♪ We're running out of words ♪

[car alarm blaring]

[alarm chirps]

[on phone] Hey, you've reached Doris. I'm not here.

Da-dur. [beeps]

Hey, um, I just wanted to see how the birthday party went.

Hope you're having fun in Vallejo, partying hard with all the seven-year-olds.

Say hi to Malik for me.

Uh, anyway, so I'm assuming you're not coming back, which is fine.

Uh... Yeah, have fun.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

You okay?

I'm so good.

Why do you keep asking me that?

You'll feel better if you eat your eggs, Brady.

You'll feel better if you eat your eggs, Patsmith.

I have pancakes.

It's gonna make you fat.

Well.

He's got a point.

Really?

Hey.

Can you take me to the bathroom before I throw up?

Uh, uh, me? No, ask Richie.

No, no, no. Shh.

Richie's judging me and... and the way you talk, it's like Mary Poppins.

sh1t, so I want you to take me.

[laughter] I choose you, Pikachu.

All right, then.

Are you sure you're okay?

Yeah, of course. I can take you to throw up.

Okay, don't throw up on me.

Yell if you need help, okay?

Yeah, I will.

Ah!

Oh my god. [Laughs]

Oh boy.

So much for that in-depth interview, I guess.

He's a bit of a lightweight.

He's a good guy, though.

I see why you like him.

He's better when he's not wasted.

I can relate to that.

I was surprised to see you two together.

Yeah, I bet.

I thought you were pretty done with him.

I was.

What happened?

Well, I went to a funeral, and then I got into a car accident.

God, are you okay?

Yeah, no, I'm fine.

Whose funeral was it?

It was actually Doris' dad, who I don't even know, but I completely burst into tears, and then when I got back...

Kevin was standing on my doorstep, and he'd broken up with Jon.

And the last time someone stood on my stoop, they told me I wasn't ready, so... this time I just... I decided to go for it.

Guys.

Yeah.

Guess who's cool?

Who?

This guy.

Oh, yeah. No, we had... We had a false alarm.

Yeah, saving it.

Saving all my vomit for you. [laughter]

Wow.

No, I'm gonna take back all the sh1t I said about you guys.

[Richie coughs] Brady.

We are gonna take back all the sh1t we said about you guys.

And what kinda sh1t would that be?

Patrick's not a 13-year-old girl who's afraid of her own v*g1n*.

Oh, wow!

And the two of you together... that's not what's wrong with the gay community. Trust me.

Hm.

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

Really? Are you sure?

Because he seems to have really specific points of reference.

Are you going to finish your pancakes?

You know, Brady, I've never not finished my pancakes, but, for you, get in there.

[traffic sounds]

God, I'm happy I didn't go back to Seattle.

There's nothing but rain and granola.

[Patrick laughs]

I remember the first time I came to the Bay.

I was at Berkeley, and Agustin and I went up to Indian Rock, and looked down, and I thought, "Yes."

"I just wanna stay here for as long as I can hang on."

Hm.

Yep, it's no good, I'm too cold. We gotta go back inside.

Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Okay. All right.

Ah!

I cannot believe how many glory holes there are in this area.

I know.

Oh my god, we just got our first review.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, what does it say?

It says, "Another attempt"

"to divide and label the gay community."

"Bullshit. One star."

"Bullshit"?

Well, I guess we got to expect things like that, right?

Do you know what?

f*ck that bitchy queen.

We're not going to please everyone.

I am proud of what we've achieved.

Oh, my god. I love you.

I'm... I mean I...

Are you freakin' out a bit, now?

A little bit. I've never said that before.

What? Not even to your mom?

We don't say that in my family.

But... I do.

I love you.

I love you, too.

♪ ♪

♪ It's like a story of love ♪
♪ Can you hear me? ♪
♪ Came back only yesterday ♪
♪ We're moving farther away ♪
♪ Want you near me ♪
♪ All I needed was the love you gave ♪
♪ All I needed for another day ♪
♪ And all I ever knew ♪
♪ Only you ♪
♪ This is gonna take a long time ♪
♪ And I wonder what's mine ♪
♪ Can't take no more ♪
♪ Wonder if you'll understand ♪
♪ It's just the touch Of your hand ♪
♪ Behind a closed door ♪
♪ All I needed was the love you gave ♪
♪ All I needed for another day ♪
♪ And all I ever knew ♪
♪ Only you ♪

♪ ♪