01x07 - Episode Seven

[Ding]

You know what this is about.

Morning? Oh, my God!

Look, I have no interest in her at all.

I saw you w*nk*ng to her the other night.

Bev, stop! You're on the wrong side!

No, Sean!

You're on the wrong side!

That's not what I meant!

[Tires screech]

You want to let it out?

Fine, let it out.

Yeah, let it out!

Aah! Okay, stop letting it out.

Enough letting it out!

No!

[Panting]

If you want me to stop... say stop.

Stop.

[Sighs]

[Typewriter clicking]

[Ding]

[Gunshot]

[Typewriter clicking]

[Ding]

You smell like cinnamon.

Oh. Heh heh.

It's Joey.

What?

When Friends was really hot, they got me to do this cologne called Joey.

No.

Yeah.

I even got to pick out the scent myself.

Turns out I don't have the most sophisticated nose.

Plus, the day we did it, I was really hungry.

Which is why you now smell like a cinnamon bun.

Hey, it is called Joey.

[Laughs]

You know, just 'cause you picked it doesn't mean you have to wear it.

I know. I still kind of like it.

It didn't sell for sh1t.

Shocking.

I got boxes of it in the garage if you ever want some.

My mother uses it during the holidays as a bathroom spray.

I thought you didn't want one.

Yeah, I gave up.

[Sighs]

I have to say, I have a vague sense I'm a terrible, terrible person.

In general, or because of this?

Because of this.

Okay.

Look... don't beat yourself up.

Okay?

Stuff happens.

Heh. Stuff happens?

Yeah, stuff happens.

We did it.

We can't undo it.

What, are you gonna unfuck me?

[Laughs]

So, there you go.

Besides... why am I feeling bad?

He did it first.

What?

Sean... with Morning.

Oh.

What?

No, no.

Keep not feeling bad.

What are you saying?

Okay.

Seanie never did a thing with Morning.

Right.

Believe me, I would know.

I did everything but unzip him and take it out.

He wasn't interested.

[Laughs]

I really, really need for that not to be true.

Hey, I'd be the first person he'd call if he made a move with her.

I'm telling you... he did nothing.

Oh, Jesus.

You really mean that.

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Why didn't you tell me?

I tried. You didn't believe me.

Then you try again!

You try until you convince me, anything to stop me from doing the stupidest thing in my life!

Let me ask you something.

If I had convinced you he didn't do it, do you think there's a chance we would've ended up here?

Are you crazy?

Of course not!

Right. See, the self-cockblock... not my kind of move.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

What have I done?

[Squealing] Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

[Crying]

Computerized Voice: Front door ajar.

Front door ajar.

Do you know your front door's ajar?

I assumed you were somewhere over Newfoundland right now.

I listened to your messages.

All 47 of them.

Right.

I was thinking of making them into a one-man show.

I'd buy a ticket.

I, um...

I think I may have overreacted.

Maybe a tad.

I should have trusted you.

It would've been nice.

I'm sorry.

I'm just happy you're back.

I'm so, so sorry.

Oh, please.

The worst that's happened is you missed a bizarro lunch with Merc.

Oh, um, I smashed up the hire car.

What? Are you all right?

I'm fine.

Everything's fine.

Except the car.

That's definitely not fine.

But that's the worst that's happened.

You smell like cinnamon.

I had a bun.

All right, I'm only gonna ask you out once, and I don't want you to say yes because the team is here.

And I don't want you to say yes because...

No.

Say...what, now?

No.

Okay, I didn't actually ask you yet.

So, technically, this doesn't count as my once.

Well, when you do, it's still going to be no.

This is punishing.

That's fine. We'll see.

Walk away.

Just walk away.

I'll see you around, Miss McCutcheon.

Have a good day, Mr. Lyman.

Children should not have to see that.

Shut up.

And cut!

And the Pucks! pilot is officially done.

[Cheering]

Sean: Excuse me. Um, uh...

Bev and I would like to say, what a wonderful couple of weeks it's been.

Oh. Oh, um, yes, absolutely.

It really has been a little bit of heaven.

You've all done brilliant work, and may I also say thank you for making two foreigners feel very welcome.

So, yes, now we're off to the editing room to polish this gem.

And then, hopefully, the powers that be will have the wisdom to let us all come back and play together for many years to come.

Hear, hear!

[Cheering]

[Overlapping chatter]

Walk away. Just walk away.

I'll see you around, Miss McCutcheon.

Have a good day, Mr. Lyman.

Boy: Children should not have to see that.

Shut up.

Is it any better?

I don't know.

It's shorter.

So...there's less of it.

Yeah.

Do we hand it in?

I suppose.

Maybe we're just too close to it.

Maybe it's not so bad.

Peter, what do you think?

I agree.

Yeah?

It's shorter.

Why do all of our pilots suck?

I sit there, I watch them, and it is just... it's just... it's incomprehensible.

This is the Hindenburg of development slates.

These pilots... they make me wish that I had cancer again, just so I could tell people, "You think this is bad?

"I have cancer again!"

How the f*ck did this happen?

Yo, sunshine.

That is not a rhetorical question.

How the f*ck did this happen?

I don't know.

You're the head of comedy!

Why isn't any of your sh1t funny?

Some of my sh1t's funny.

No?

No!

Well... comedy is very subjective.

Oh, is it? Is it?

So, is it me?

Am I being too negative?

Well, please, someone... tell me the ones you like.

Can anyone come up with one goddamn show that we can put on in the fall?

Oh, come on.

Somebody have the balls to say something.

I only have one.

I'm doing all the talking.

Yes. Good. Go.

I kind of liked the talking dog show.

3óu're fired.

[Laughs]

Uh...

Are, um...

Are you being funny?

[Laughs]

You see, that's... that's our problem.

No one here knows what's funny.

Go. Get out of here now.

Heh. Really?

Go!

Computerized Voice: Good-bye.

Uh, Roger... pen, please.

Oh.

Anyone else?

Give me one pilot we've got that isn't totally repellant.

The dog was funny!

All right.

I never thought the dog was funny.

All right, people.

You spent a year of your lives on these things.

For Christ's sake, defend your work.

We all thought the Debra Winger thing was pretty funny.

She was funnier dying in Shirley MacLaine's arms.

Yeah, but that was a movie.

[Laughs] Ohh.

If I could fire you...

I still like Pucks!

No, it's not groundbreaking, but it's fun.

And the kids are cute.

And Matt is really good.

I... I still like it.

I'm not gonna fire you, but I do think less of you.

[Sighs] Look... we haven't even tested any of these things.

You don't know what people will respond to.

I'll be happy if they don't tear the f*cking dials off the seats and throw them at the screen.

What am I supposed to tell New York?

It's good they haven't called, right?

If they'd called and said it was dead, then, uh, the show would be dead.

But no call means it's still alive, right?

Wow.

What?

Only you could see the positive in nothing.

I'm just saying, there's still hope.

Darling, don't take this the wrong way.

I don't care.

Well, you care.

No.

I don't.

We're going home. Home!

To proper tea and gentle irony.

To a place where no one says...

[American accent]

"Oh, my God! I love your accent!"

I truly can't wait.

I hope it's raining.

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

Hey there.

It's Carol.

Hi, Carol!

I'm just calling to wish you guys a good flight.

Thank you.

And...the show?

The little show? The television show?

Any word on that?

I liked it.

Oh, bollocks.

No, I really did.

But... it didn't screen so great over here at the network.

Some people liked it more than others.

What about Merc?

He was one of the others.

[Imitates gunshot]

It's not totally dead yet.

Heh. Yet.

Right now we're showing it to test audiences.

Who knows? Maybe real people will respond to it.

There are real people in L.A.?

[Laughs] No.

No, no, no.

We bus them in.

Well, thanks a lot for the call.

We've still got a load of packing to do.

[British accent]

Is that Charles and Camilla?

They're heading back to London tonight.

Oh, no!

But I made porridge!

Ha ha.

Ha ha.

I'm gonna miss that.

Ha ha ha!

Listen, you guys.

The pilot's terrific.

Great work.

Everyone here loved it.

So, does that mean you're picking it up?

We're gonna be on TV?

Oh, well, we're still deciding, but you are totally in the mix.

We just have to see how everything shakes out.

I wish it were just up to me.

But, hey, no matter what... we're gonna get you back here.

You guys are too good.

We gotta do something together.

Why don't we do this together?

[Chuckles] Fly safe.

[Beep]

Ohh.

I'm sorry.

Oh, it's fine.

Hey, we had fun.

No, you didn't.

No, I didn't.

We should let Matt know it's dead.

I was gonna run over there and say good-bye.

I assume you don't want to be part of that.

That would be no.

Yeah.

[Groans]

I feel like we let you down.

Nah.

I do.

We should've done better by you.

Hey. Don't do that.

It's like your wife said... everything that made this show worse was totally my fault.

She told you that?

When?

Uh... I don't know.

On the stage, I guess.

I didn't realize you two were even speaking.

Oh, yeah. Now and then.

Just, like, you know, mean things.

Oh.

Hey, don't you have a plane to catch?

Oh, yeah, I should get going.

If we miss this flight, Bev will literally kill me, and I literally mean "literally".

Well, okay, man.

I really hope we can keep in touch.

Totally.

I know people always say that at the end of these things, but I mean it.

This was... This was... the best part of all this.

I agree.

I don't have that many guy friends, and this was...

Oh, Christ, I'm making a speech.

Dude, you are.

Yeah, so... blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.


Wow. That was some moving sh1t.

It was, wasn't it?

Well, me, too.

Come here.

What?

Hug me again.

Okay. This may be why you don't have many guy friends.

[Chuckles]

That was weird.

What's that smell... your cologne, or whatever it is?

Oh. It's called Joey, from back when I was doing Friends.

It's very... cinnamony.

I know. My four-year-old says I smell like a candle.

It's... It's bizarre.

The other day, Bev had the same smell.

Huh.

Well, uh... maybe she went to a candle shop.

Girls do like the candles.

Hey, you want some?

I got cases of it.

That's all right.

No, no, no.

Come on.

A going-away present.

You know, I never got the whole concept of celebrity scents.

I mean, why would anyone want to smell like me... or Britney Spears, or Elizabeth Taylor?

Have you seen her lately?

That's what you want to smell like?

Where's the Jag?

It's in the shop.

I had a little accident.

Oh, sh1t.

What happened?

I, uh...

I hit a deer.

Oh, my God.

That's bloody dangerous.

Tell me about it.

I was just driving along, talking on the phone, and all of a sudden, I look up, and there's this f*ckin' deer coming at me in the wrong lane.

What's the right lane for a deer?

I meant, like...there's a deer in my lane.

So, I hit the brakes and turn, and the thing smashes into my side.

Christ.

Yeah.

Were you all right?

I... I was fine.

Yeah, the side of the car was totally dented in.

And the deer?

It, uh, just... got up and... what, loped?

Do deers lope?

They lope, right?

Well, it just loped away.

Lope.

You all right?

Yeah. Why?

Well, you seem...

Well, you know, I'm just reliving it.

Yeah, right. Sure.

Bev was just in an accident, too.

Wow. You're...

You're kidding.

What... What happened in hers?

I don't know. Um... she never actually gave me the details.

Huh.

Maybe it was the same deer.

Maybe.

Here we go.

Joey.

Look at this.

Heh heh!

"How you smellin'?"

Gee, I wonder why we didn't sell any.

That is some... bad cologne... slogan... writing.

Dude, say something.

You're kind of freaking me out.

Actually, you're the one freaking me out.

Why's that?

Did you...

Did you shag my wife?

[Laughs] What?!

Did you shag my wife?

Okay. First of all...

"shag"?

I thought that was just from those Austin Powers movies.

Seriously?

That's a real word?

Oh, my God.

I just never know with you guys, with your crumpets and your blimeys.

What... What...

What is a blimey?

Oh, for Christ's sake, grow some balls, to go with that ridiculous cock, and answer me.

Did you shag... my wife?

Okay.

All right.

She totally started it.

She was driving on the wrong side of the street...

So you f*cked her?!

No, no, no!

She smashed into me, and she had a cut on her head.

So, I brought her back here to take care of it.

Oh, yeah, you took care of it, all right.

You son of a bitch.

How did this happen?

She despises you.

You must've had to try so bloody hard.

What a conquest.

What a triumph.

It wasn't like that.

It wasn't hard.

It wasn't easy.

Jesus!

I don't know what to say.

I want to leave. But it's my house.

How could you do this?

Uh...stuff happens?

Stuff happens?!

Apparently!

Look, it wasn't like something we planned.

Believe me, your wife is the last woman in the world I would ever want to f*ck.

Because she's your wife.

I'm not saying she's unfuckable.

Oh, God. I am trying to apologize here.

I don't want your bloody apology!

Too bad.

I'm sorry, okay?

I am so, so sorry.

I did a terrible thing...

I get that.

I never meant to hurt you.

You f*cking b*st*rd.

Hey, what are you doing?

Calm down.

Don't get crazy.

Or what? You'll screw her again?

Hey, it wasn't just me, you know.

How many were there?!

No, I mean she was there, too.

And this only happened because she was so pissed about you and Morning.

There is no me and Morning!

I know!

So, why didn't you tell her?!

I tried!

How hard?!

Let's not focus on that!

Look, I said I'm sorry.

I don't know what else to say.

You're right.

That's enough talking.

What are you doing?

Hey, put that down.

Are you crazy?

You don't...

Whew! Jesus!

Yeah!

Now how you smellin'?!

Hey! Stop...

[Glass shatters]

[Gagging]

Aaaah!

[Both grunt]

Uhh!

Ooh!

Ohh!

[Grunting continues]

[Glass shatters]

Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow!

[Grunting]

[Waves crashing]

[Grunting]

[Both panting]

Ohh!

Ohh!

Uhh!

[Waves crashing, seagulls squawking]

It's nearly time to leave for the airport, and you're not back yet.

I hope you're not still there.

If we miss this flight because the two of you are... skateboarding or rollerblading or... some other ridiculous high jinks...

[Sighs]

Okay? Call me.

[Grunting]

[British accent]

Mommy, the mean man is squashing my face!

Someone call a bobby!

Oh, f*ck off!

[Grunting]

Aah! Aah!

Aaaaaah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aaaaaah!

Does it still sting?

Of course it bloody stings.

Well, we should go to the hospital.

You mind using this one?

Those are really just for show.

Oh, are they?

Yeah.

[Sighs] Come on.

Come on, let's go to the emergency room. No!

Don't be an asshole.

I don't need you to take me to hospital.

Why can't you guys say "the hospital", like normal people?

Piss off. Twat.

Computerized Voice: Front door ajar.

Whatever explanation you've got...

Oh, my God.

What happened?

Don't touch me.

What?

He knows.

What?

Oh, Christ.

What do you mean, he knows?

How does he know?

He should be a f*ckin' detective.

He just started finding out all these little clues... that my car was gone, my cologne...

You're wearing enough.

He threw bottles of it at me!

Sean?

Uh, yeah.

He was a f*cking maniac.

[Metal clangs]

I'm sorry.

My depth perception is still a little wonky.

What happened to your eyes?

Your lover tried to blind me!

He had a cactus!

He's not my lover.

I swear, the thought that I was with him physically disgusts me.

I'm... I'm actually nauseated.

It makes me want to vomit.

All right.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

So f*cking what?!

I told you he was throwing sh1t.

I don't care that you're sorry.

It doesn't undo what you did.

Which was only because of the thing between you and Morning!

There was no thing between me and Morning!

I didn't know that!

He did!

Hey, this is between the two of you.

Actually, I don't think there is a "two of us".

Sweetheart, listen to me.

I realize you feel that way now...

You have no idea how I feel.

Because if you did, that would imply you had a grain of empathy in your body.

And if that were the case...

[Choking up]

..you wouldn't have casually destroyed... the one thing that means anything to me.

Man.

What?!

The way you guys fight...

We're, like, "f*ck you!

" "f*ck you!"

I'm sorry, go on.

Sean: I look at you, and I can't see the woman I've been with for the last eight years.

She's still here.

She just... went mad for a little bit.

I'd expect this from him.

He's a bloody animal without a moral compass.

You're...

You're my partner.

You're the one person in the whole world I thought I could trust.

You can.

I love you.

When we get home, I'm out.

No.

I don't see how we can move past this.

Not to get too melodramatic, but I think... you've broken my heart.

[Musical cell phone ring]

My agent.

Listen, I can't talk right now.

I'm kind of in the middle of...

When?

No.

Have you guys heard anything from the network?

What?

[Telephone rings]

Wow. Pick it up.

Pick it up.

Hello?

Merc: We're a hit!

What?

The test audiences loved Pucks!

Loved it? They f*ckin' dry-humped it!

It tested through the roof... both women and men.

87% said they'd watch it again.

Nobody gets numbers like that.

They loved everything with Matt and the boys, they were totally invested in the relationship with Matt and Morning.

Did I not tell you this was the one?

That...

That was you.

Wait.

What are you saying?

[British accent]

I'm saying unpack those bloody bags.

You've got some telly to make!

Whoo! Ha ha ha!

Ohh...

[Hangs up]

Whoo-hoo!

Huh? Yeah?