02x01 - Episode One

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

You know what my fantasy is?

I wake up tomorrow and I've got your show on my network.

What, us come to LA?

Let's talk about casting.

Well, we already have Julian committed to recreate the role of Lyman.

We got Matt LeBlanc!

Yeah!

(ALL CHEERING)

You want me for the old fat guy's part? Thanks.

We don't want you.

Again, thanks.

Matt's been telling me about the changes for his character.

I love that he's a coach. We can call it Pucks!

Did I mention I hate this show?

I believe it's come up.

You're much more attractive than she is. You are!

She's all plastic.

Those boobs.

Yuck.

You are a brilliant, brilliant writer.

Beverly: You know what this is about!

Morning? Oh, my God!

Look, I have no interest in her at all!

Bev, stop! You're on the wrong side!

No, Sean, you're on the wrong side!

That's not what I meant!

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Did you shag my wife?

She totally started it, okay?

She was driving on the wrong side of the street.

So you f*cked her?

(SCREAMING)

The thought that I was with him physically disgusts me.

I'm actually nauseated.

It makes me want to vomit.

All right.

Not to get too melodramatic, but I think you've broken my heart.

Merc: We're a hit!

What?

The test audiences loved Pucks!

What are you saying?

I'm saying unpack those bloody bags, you've got some telly to make!

(MERC AND CAROL CHEERING)

Whoo-hoo!

(WIND WHISTLING)

(WIND HOWLING)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

(GUNSHOT)

Come on, what's going on?

Nothing, I'm fine.

Hey, listen, I'm not just your coach, I'm also your friend.

His dads are getting separated.

The gay dads?

Right.

Not his two straight dads.

Okay.

One of my dads had an affair with a woman and now he's saying he's bi.

But my other dad says it's just a mid-life crisis.

Oh! And the woman he had the affair with is the surrogate whose egg they used to make me.

Thoughts, Coach?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(SIGHS)

Director: Cut!

(BELL RINGS)

ASSISTANT: End board.

All right?

Director: Nice work today, everyone.

Assistant Director: Check the gate.

Sean: Not bad.

You think that worked?

The new boys are pretty good.

Hmm.

What?

The one with the hair.

Stoke?

(CHUCKLES) Stoke!

What kind of parent names their child Stoke?

I know.

It's like saying you'd better be attractive or it's all going to be ironic from here on in.

(CHUCKLING)

Well, as an actor, he's lucky he's cute.

Wait.

Go like this.

God, you've got a lot of teeth.

Right there.

What?

You've got a thing.

Hmm, poppy seed.

Must be from my bagel this morning.

So that's been there all day? Why didn't you tell me?

I just told you.

Yeah, now, after everyone's already seen it!

Okay, put it back.

(SIGHING)

Night.

Night.

Good job today.

Thank you.

Yeah, nice work.

Nice underpants.

Thanks.

Hey, do you guys ever drink coffee?

'Cause this company sent me like a dozen free coffee makers.

Why?

I don't know. Who cares? They're free, you want one?

I'm all right. Thank you.

No, thanks.

So today went well?

Absolutely.

You guys are happy?

Sean: Very.

Beverly: Night!

Night.

I'll take a coffee maker.

Did I ask you?

What are you thinking about for tonight?

I thought I'd have another go at that third scene.

Well, if you want to run it by me, I'll be home.

Flossing.

Right, well, have a nice night.

You, too. See you tomorrow.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hey!

You all right?

I'm great.

Don't look great.

Merc and I went ring shopping.

Oh, my God!

For his wife.

He took you ring shopping for his wife?

Mmm-hmm.

That sounds cruel, even for him.

It's their anniversary and he knows he has terrible taste, so he wanted me along to help him buy something pretty.

Oh, honey!

He's so good to her.

Well...

(SIGHING)

I found this really gorgeous ring.

And all the time, I'm thinking, "The woman is blind. Buy me a f*cking ring and give her one of her old ones! How will she know?" And then I feel guilty for thinking that, like, ugh!

I am this terrible person. (SNIFFLING)

Really? We're going to pull at that thread?

Sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

Tonight's supposed to be about you.

Okay, okay. (GIBBERS)

I'm here now.

I'm great. Let's celebrate.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Here is to Pucks! Big premiere tomorrow night.

Whoo-hoo!

(UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) Whoo.

I've got to read a script later.

Want to make it hilarious?

(CHUCKLING)

Ooh! What's this?

It's for Sean.

And now you're thinking everyone's getting presents but you.

I didn't say it out loud.

It's his birthday.

Our first one apart.

So, that'll be fun.

Aw! What did you get him?

A watch.

It's a vintage Breitling he's always wanted.

So he'll love that.

Or he'll think it's way over the top and I'll come off as desperate and needy.

Or that.

I hate this.

This is my husband.

Now it's like he's some boy who may or may not still like me.

Oh, f*ck it.

Speaking from my own relationships, a little "needy" isn't always a bad thing.

Really?

I mean, even though you might come off as kind of pathetic, on a deeper level, by being able to judge you, it allows him to feel empowered, and a lot of men need that.

So, it makes them love you more.

So basically, if I'm ever feeling like the craziest person on the planet, I should just have dinner with you.

That's what I'm here for.

(BEVERLY CHUCKLING)

Sean: We're not even on the air yet and they're f*cking killing us!

There's not one good one.

So stop reading them.

Jesus!

What?

The New York Post. "Pucks! Sucks!"

Well, we just handed him that one.

What, that's the headline?

"Pucks! Sucks!"?

Right.

Then he goes on to say we're not clever.

Please, stop. Do not do this to yourself.

Entertainment Weekly. "LeBlanc Shoots A LeBlank".

Well, at least someone gave it some thought.

"It's hard to imagine how this show lasted four seasons in the UK".

Because it wasn't this show, arsehole!

Did you want me?

What?

No.

Okay.

Oh, wait, wait, here we go. Huffington Post. "I was totally prepared to hate tonight's new comedy Pucks!

"Well, the good news is I was prepared".

Oh.

Why do they hate us?

Because they're idiots!

No.

And so much rage. Why? Why? It's just a little TV show.

It's not like we're punching Elmo.

It's just a show.

Thank you!

It's light, it's funny.

Absolutely.

I mean, it's not brilliant.

No.

But is it "An exhausting rehash of '90s sitcom cliches "with Matt LeBlanc digging into his old bag of tricks "and coming up short"?

Hmm.

Why'd you have to read that one?

It's like they can see into our souls.

I know.

(SIGHING) Maybe we are "an uninspired placeholder "until something actually funny comes along".

You've started memorising them?

Only the really, really bad ones.

Why did we do this?

Why didn't we just stay at home?

Right. Well, we should get to the writers' room.

Absolutely. Let's do it.

Probably best not telling anyone else about the reviews.

Right, because we're the only ones with the magic box.

Ooh! I see this guy's got you working the concessions stand.

She's great. Just don't ask her to make change.

(CHUCKLING)

Here you go.

Thanks.

Hi, kids!

Big night. Very exciting.

Hey.

Hello, you!

Popcorn?

Absolutely.

Butter?

Sure.

(MOUTHING)

(MOUTHING)

(MOUTHING)

Oh!

Jamie: Here you go.

Yum!

So, I saw your name in the paper today.

For that big Save the Bees thing?

Oh, it's so important.

(MOUTHING) Wow! You look so hot!

In the last five years, the worldwide honeybee population has just been decimated.

And people don't realise how essential they are for pollinating our fruits and vegetables.

And now 50% of the hives are gone.

(MOUTHING) I want to f*ck you.

It's called "colony collapse disorder".

(SOFTLY) Stop it!

Well, hopefully we can.

Yes.

Matt: Hey!

Our star has arrived.

Hello, Matt. Popcorn?

Sure. And by the way, thanks so much, you guys, for doing this. Very cool.

Are you kidding? How could I not? Come on!

Matt LeBlanc's first show since Friends?

Okay.

Hey, come see my new set-up.

Just so you know, this is huge.

He's never screened a show at his house before.

That's how much he believes in this.

Maybe we should all lower our expectations a bit.

I mean, have you read the reviews?

(CHUCKLING) Oh, please!

No one cares about TV reviews.

They hated most of the crap we've got on the air and people still watch it.

Oh, to be that crap.

Curtain going up. Grab a seat.

Announcer: Sometimes you score and sometimes life just Pucks!

Matt LeBlanc returns in the hilarious premiere of Pucks!

Next.

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

I need a book.

Can you be less specific?

(PEOPLE CHUCKLING)

I don't know, I'm looking for something with pages.

Okay, fine, I don't need a book.

(SCATTERED CHUCKLING)

Lyman: Hey, I read books.

Nicola: You do realise that the swimsuit issue of a sports magazine doesn't count as a book?

Oh, so now you get to decide what's a book?

Anyway, I called you.

I know.

I left you three messages.

Nicola: Four.

Lyman: Really? Four?

Nicola: Yeah, and I didn't call you back four times.

We're even.

Lyman: You're so mean.

It's Matt.

Nicola: No, just trying to be clear.

I know.

I told you, I'm not going out with a guy whose life centres around a hockey puck.

Hmm.

Well, maybe if you spent a little time with me, you'd see there's more to me than just my puck.

Come on, go out with me once. I promise, my puck won't even come up.

Nicola: Really? Because it seems like it's probably a puck that comes up a lot.

I'm telling you, there's a lot more to me than just my puck.

And yet, at the end of the day, I think your puck is pretty much what you're all about.

Kyle: You do realise that if I die right now, this is the last conversation I'll ever hear.

(LAUGHING) Oh, yeah!


(CHEERING)

How great was that?

Really great!

Seriously, I'm ready to watch it again.

Have I mentioned how much I love this show?

(ALL AGREEING)

Everybody, there's coffee and dessert upstairs.

GUEST: Oh, great, that sounds good.

Oh, you've got some butter on your pants.

What? Oh, sh1t!

Yep, that's butter.

Where's bread when you need it?

(CHUCKLES UNCOMFORTABLY) Okay. Okay.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Hey. Hey, hey.

Listen, I know you're still pissed at me and everything, but you will not believe what just happened.

I'm not still pissed.

No?

No.

Because that implies there'll come a time when I'm not pissed.

I will always be pissed.

With you, I'm in a constant state of pissed.

Yeah, yeah, okay, but...

No. No "but".

But...

No! No "but".

Whatever you've got to say, I don't want to hear it.

I'm not your friend.

You want to talk about the show, fine.

But anything beyond work, anything...

Well, this is kind of work-related.

Is it?

I was watching the show when it happened?

(GROANING)

Morning: We totally did it!

Matt: Unbelievable, unbelievable.

Morning: It's like beyond what I ever expected.

Matt: Hey, there she is!

(ALL CHEERING)

Oh!

Are you all right?

No, I'm fine. That'll teach me to walk into a room.

Sorry, everyone's just very excited about the ratings.

Really? We did well?

We got a 5.6 with a 13 share and a 3.8 in the 18-to-34 demo.

Wow! I have no idea what this boy just said.

They're good.

Are you serious?

Really good.

Matt: Yeah.

Take that, Myron Blum of the Boston Herald, with your, "I don't know who this show is for".

It's for everyone but you, cockface!

(ALL LAUGHING)

I thought you said you didn't read them.

So congratulations, everyone.

Yeah, nicely done.

Hey.

How about that?

Mmm-hmm.

Does this mean they'll let us go home early?

Who's "they"? We're "they".

So...

BOTH: No.

Oh.

Assistant Director: Okay, people, back to work. Thank you.

Matt: Right. Right. I'll see you later.

Jesus!

Number one new show of the night.

This is gonna kill Schwimmer.

(MOANING)

5.6 with a 13 share!

And a 3.8 in the demo!

Say it again!

3.8!

(MOANING)

98% retention.

Oh! f*ck! Yes!

(MOANING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hi, is he in?

(CAROL AND MERC MOANING)

Oh.

Oh. (CLEARING THROAT)

(MOANING CONTINUES)

I know.

I mean...

I know, it's insane.

Do you realise more people saw our show last night than probably every episode of Lyman's Boys put together.

Seriously?

Yeah.

You've got to say this about Americans, there's a lot of them.

What are you doing?

I marked one two days ago. I just want to see how long it sits here.

So, disappointed?

At what?

I can't imagine a big hit was what you were wishing for.

That's not true.

Right!

It's not.

(GASPING) It's still here! Look!

You're telling me there wasn't a part of you that was hoping this whole thing would bomb and we could go home?

How wrong you are.

Look, you have made it very clear that when we get home, we're finished, we're nothing.

Right now, at least we have this.

Why would I wish for that to go away?

Assistant Director: Rehearsal's up!

(SIGHING)

(RETCHING)

Hey. Can I ask you something?

Could you give us a sec?

What's up?

In this scene, I know the guys are lying to me, right?

Right. But you don't want to give too much away so you can surprise them later.

That's what I thought. Oh, and also...

Jamie Lapidus gave me a hand-job during the show last night.

I had to tell you.

Oh, yeah, who better to share the news with you had s*x with someone else's wife?

Well, first of all, just a hand-job.

With her husband three seats away!

I know!

My God, you're proud of this?

No. But I gotta say, getting jerked off while you're watching yourself on TV?

Actors work their whole lives for that.

Sean: Who else knows about this?

Matt: Nobody.

Good. Keep it that way.

The last thing our little show needs is for Merc Lapidus to find out that you are f*cking his wife.

Again, not f*cking...

I'm not sure he'll appreciate the bloody distinction!

What's the matter with you?

That woman is married to your boss!

And while we're on the subject, what is it with you and other people's wives?

It's pathological!

Are there no other women in the world who aren't the spouses of people you know?

It's...

What?

I've missed this.

(SIGHING)

Beverly: Mmm. This one. Better than this one.

Matt: Hey.

You know that cool Prada jacket that you said my character would never wear?

Mmm-hmm.

I figured out where it would work.

Where?

My house.

Annie, could you grab that for me?

Okay.

Well, good, because who's more deserving of free clothes than you?

You can take stuff. What do you want?

Or I could go to a shop, like a normal person.

Yeah, someone who turns down free sh1t?

Not a normal person.

So, listen, this thing with Sean being pissed off.

Yeah?

How long do you think that's gonna last?

It's just weird not being able to talk to him about stuff.

Yes, this must be very hard for you.

It is!

Ah, that's great, thanks.

Uh...

There was a hat.

Sure.

Look, I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to be mad.

I get it, but at what point is it, like, "All right already"?

"All right already"?

You know what I mean.

Heswears he'll never get over it but I just...

I have to believe it's not true. I just... I have to.

Yeah. I hear you.

I certainly can't blame him. When I look back at what I did, it's like I'm looking at this whole other person doing these inexplicable things with the absolutely last person on God's earth I'd ever want to do them with.

You're welcome.

And now here we are, and I may have lost the only thing I ever actually cared about.

Well, if there's anything I can do...

You could stop wearing that f*cking cologne!

How we doing on the hat?

Hey, did you guys see this? Our ratings went up in the nationals.

Wow!

Do you have any idea what you're looking at?

No.

I can't believe I came this close to not taking this show.

Really?

Yeah.

I got two offers this year.

This one, and they wanted me for the kid on that talking dog show.

There's a talking dog show?

Over at ABC.

It starts next week. Actually, it's opposite us.

Any good?

Dude, it's a talking dog show.

Yeah, dude.

So like, I wasn't sure which one to pick.

My wife was really pushing me to take the other one.

(STAMMERING) Your wife?

Well, not officially yet.

I have to wait till my divorce comes through.

This would be your second marriage?

Technically. I don't even count the first one.

It was just a big f*cking mess.

(CLEARING THROAT)

We got married really young.

I assume as embryos.

I'm 27.

You're not!

Kevin's 29.

Stoke's gonna be 31.

Very strange high school we're running!

Hey, the kids on Glee are like in their 50s.

Excuse me.

Are we close to shooting?

Yeah, but they need you guys over in the locker room set.

(WHINING VOICE) Oh, I've got to walk!

That's awful.

All: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Sean ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Did you do this?

Actually, no.

It's from Matt.

Ah.

Sean: Okay.

(BLOWING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Happy birthday.

Oh, wow!

Ah.

Congratulations.

(MOUTHING) Happy birthday.

(MOUTHING) Thank you.

Sean: Hey!

Hey, birthday boy.

All right, man.

Nice one. Right, come on!

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Whoo-hoo!

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Wendy: Sean and Beverly's office.

Carol Rance on two!

Thank you!

Hi, Carol.

Male Voice: Hold for Carol, please.

Wendy, could you come here, please?

Yeah?

Would it be possible, when the person's not actually on the line, you could alert me to that fact so that I don't...

Carol: Hi, you!

There she is.

Hi, Carol. What's up?

I'm taking you out for Sean's birthday.

You should not be alone.

Aw!

That's sweet.

Merc cancel again?

(SIGHING) Heforgot he had a thing at his kid's school.

Sometimes I wonder why I even shave my legs.

(GIGGLING)

So, how did Sean like the watch?

I didn't want to put him on the spot when I gave it to him.

So I had a PA put it in his car.

(CAROL CLUCKING)

Yeah, so what?

(CONTINUES CLUCKING)

(DISCONNECTS TELEPHONE)

Hey!

Hey!

Look at you. Very impressive.

Please. I had two pieces of your f*cking birthday cake!

I need to run to, like, Cleveland.

Say what you want about bulimia...

Please don't finish that sentence.

I promise, once we're sure we're not getting cancelled, I'll start packing on the pounds. Till then...

I think we're doing a little better than not getting cancelled.

You saw those numbers today.

No, I know. Still...

What?

The ratings were...

No, they were great, but that's just people sampling it.

Let's wait till next week and see.

Well, you're a big ball of positivity.

Hey, I once did this Fox show about these three girls living together.

I was the one with the smaller tits.

Interesting concept.

Yeah.

We had the highest number of any new series premiering that season.

Week two, not so much.

Week three, ugh!

They kept dropping and dropping.

They pulled the plug after six.

Wow!

Now I won't even decorate my dressing room until we're picked up for the back nine.

Just because you start out strong, doesn't mean that...

What?

What are you doing?

I'm just saying.

It's my birthday.

Oh, sh1t! I am an asshole!

It's all good. The ratings will never come down.

(CHUCKLES) I thought you were a better actress than that.

Obviously you haven't read my reviews for this show.

So what are you doing for the birthday?

Oh, birthdays are no big deal.

So, nothing?

I'm fine, I've got some scripts to look over and...

f*ck that! We're gonna celebrate.

Well, I appreciate it but I really...

And that was?

Birthday present?

Well, as gifts go, it was very thoughtful.

It also comes in large.

I don't know why I feel obliged to ask this, but your boyfriend?

What boyfriend?

You told me you had a boyfriend.

Oh, maybe I am a good actress.