02x07 - Episode Seven

(WIND WHISTLING)

(WIND HOWLING)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

(GUNSHOT)

So we just wanted to check in, get your take on how you think the show's going.

Oh, phew. We were afraid you were cancelling us.

Oh. (LAUGHS) God, no.

We'd never cancel you in person.

That's good to know.

So how do you think it's going?

Oh, come on, you don't really care what we think.

You're just asking so we can get to what you think.

She's feisty today.

Today?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

So, uh, how do you think it's going?

Terrific. I think it's going terrific.

The scripts are strong.

The Boys are scoring great.

So why do I feel like there's a big "but" coming?

A big butt. Actually...

Sorry?

It's just... We're feeling like maybe Matt isn't quite as, uh, slender as he used to be.

Slender? He's a chunk.

Stop.

It just seems like in the last few episodes, he's maybe looking a little...

I'm gonna stick with "chunk".

You know what we're saying.

Uh, he may have put on a pound or two.

Has he?

Sean doesn't notice these things.

I don't.

It may just be this is Matt's way of dealing with his part getting cut down.

Given that he's in the show less, does it even really matter?

Well, clearly, yeah, 'cause it's giving him more time to eat.

So? Who cares?

We did this show in the UK with a much, much bigger man.

It certainly works.

Look, I have no problem with fat.

Fat people are funny.

John Candy.

Chris Farley.

That fat guy in Laurel and Hardy.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

It's just that all those people started off fat.

Yeah. You can't start out sexy and then get fat.

Not on TV.

With your ratings being where they are, it's the last thing we need.

Yeah, we need hot Matt. Not fat Matt.

Mmm. It smells amazing.

Who knew you could do this?

(SCOFFS) I've been cooking since I was, like, five.

My mom worked, so I was kind of the chef of the house.

You really are a man of many talents.

All right, open your mouth.

Oh, we're going to play that game, are we?

(CHUCKLES) C'mon, open.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

This is, like, Italy good.

(OVEN DINGS)

And that would be?

My focaccia.

Oh, come on.

It's easy.

Unbelievable.

How could your wife leave you?

I cheated on her.

Ah.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Speaking of...

Hey.

Hey. Guess who dropped by the boys' school this afternoon.

Uh, can we do this later?

No, come on. Guess.

I give up. Who?

How about your f*cking stalker!

Oh, sh1t.

Uh-huh! That's right!

Your little nut bundle showed up at the boys' school 'cause she thought you were picking 'em up today.

She's really got to get her schedule straight!

Go, you idiot!

So what happened?

I called the police is what happened.

You better do something about her.

What do you want me to do?

I got a restraining order.

So restrain her!

'Cause if that f*cking lunatic comes near my kids again, I swear to God...

All right, okay, I'll call my security guy.

Yeah, 'cause he's doing such a good job so far.

It's green, asshole!

(CAR HONKING)

Hey, there.

Well, look who's back.

Just driving E.T. To work.

Shut up.

Morning.

She's afraid some paparazzi will get a picture of her with her...

So she lies down in the back.

I like to pretend I'm kidnapping her.

You are a good brother.

It's on my way to work, so it's not that big a deal.

And where is work?

Right now, Beverly Hills.

Oh.

I paint houses.

Really?

Yup, really.

It's just someone not in show business, I don't think my brain can process that.

Yeah, there's not a lot of us.

It's basically me, two gardeners and a plumber.

Although the plumber is working on a screenplay, so...

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, there you are.

Oh. Uh, Sean, this is Morning's brother, Rob.

Oh, hello.

I didn't know Morning had a brother.

Oh, she kind of keeps me under wraps.

You know, since I'm ageing in human years.

Right. I like your truck.

Thanks.

I drove a truck one summer.

Loved it.

You mean that ice cream truck?

Still a truck.

With popsicles.

Still a truck.

Yeah.

Anyway, whenever you're ready, Matt's in his dressing room.

We should get this over with.

Oh, God...

Well, wouldn't want to keep you from whatever "oh, God" is.

You do not want to know.

There's always painting houses.

Sounding better by the minute.

Have fun.

Heseems nice.

Mmm-hmm.

I like his truck.

Please understand what we're about to tell you is not coming from us.

Especially me.

From either of us.

Yeah.

Okay.

This is the network talking.

We are merely the messengers here.

Yeah, don't shoot the messengers.

All right, you guys are freaking me out. What?

The network feels...

They feel... You may have...

Put on a little bit of weight.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

We are f*cking not.

(SIGHS)

Wow.

Okay, first of all, I haven't gained one pound since I started this show.

Thank you. They're all going on about, "He's gained so much weight," and, "He's such a chunk," and I'm like, "I'm sorry, I just don't see it!"

So when he says, "Everyone's going on about this," does that include you?

I was not the one who said "chunk".

I... may have said you gained a little...

Which I haven't.

Obviously.

I stand corrected.

But you think I look like I have.

I think you're an enormously attractive man.

See, and I'm just hearing the word "enormous".

I'm not the one who sees the problem here!

I think you look great.

Hello, who's the only one in this room who's slept with you?

Right, like we all weren't thinking it.

I wasn't.

Who would think that?

Why would I even...

What's that got to do with it?

Oh...

So then who called me a chunk?

Wasn't me.

Yes, we all know it wasn't you.

Was it that prick Merc?

It was that prick Merc.

If anything, I'd say you'd lost weight.

I didn't know you smoke.

Not since the '70s.

But ever since I went Smurf-face, it's been like, "Who gives a sh1t. Whatever".

How about you?

No. I gave up.

Good for you.

Can I have one?

Sure.

So, my brother asked about you again.

Hecalled you "fetching".

Like a dog with a stick?

Like he really likes you.

Hmm.

(SIGHS) That's very nice.

Come on. He's a great guy.

Let him take you to dinner.

Well, it does appear to be my day for doing things I said I wouldn't do.

Yay! That's great.

I'll have him call you.

This is nice. We should hang out more.

Mmm...

You fellated my husband.

I what?

Oh. Yeah, okay.

Matt: It's such bullshit.

Believe me, I am with you 100%.

Yeah, I get that.

I'm embarrassed for them, frankly.

I mean, who are they to judge you?

What?

Nothing.

Eat it. Have it. Looks nice.

Why wouldn't you...

It's a doughnut.

Just... Have two!

Just a doughnut. Have it.

What? You deserve it. You...

Fat f*ck.

Is that jam in your ear?

Oh, might be. Might very well be.

Assistant Director: Picture up!

Am I crazy, or are we seeing the shadow of his, um...

What?

His, um, crotchal area.

I don't think that's what...

Oh, yes it is.

Are you guys seeing it, too?

I didn't at first.

Now I can't look away.

It's like trying not to look at an eclipse.

But that can't be his...

Right? I mean, it's just too...

Um, it's not beyond the realm of possibility.

Okay, Matt.

It would be all right if he just moves it to the other side.

And who's going to tell him that?

Don't look at me.

He'll probably throw it at me.

No, no, no.

I've had too many hideous tasks for one day.

You're the director. Direct... it.

Here goes.

Director: Hey.

Could I just...

Sure.

What's up?

Hey, um...

I was just noticing on the monitor.

Your pants.

(INAUDIBLE)

Where are you?

I'm here.

Hmm, not really. What's wrong?

Nothing.

For a good actor, you're a terrible liar.

You think I'm a good actor?

(LAUGHS) Did you even hear the rest of that sentence?

Yeah. For a good actor...

Something.

(CHUCKLES)

Come on.

It's your f*cking husband.

What?

He... Hethinks I'm fat.

You're kidding.

Nope, he said I'm a chunk.

That's insane.

Talk about a really big pot calling the kettle...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm a kettle?

No! You're so not a kettle.

Don't do that.

You look amazing.

Uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but...

Yeah, yeah. I have hands.

I can feel.

You feel like you look amazing.

Yeah?

Mmm.

Do not listen to him.

You're perfect just the way you are.

(KISSING)

Wow.

What?

Because I kissed your belly?

Oh, so it's a belly?

Oh, my God...

You know who has a belly?

Santa has a belly.

Stop it. You are not fat.

I'm sure that's what Mrs Claus says.

Don't do this.

What?

Lf I wanted to fight, I could've stayed home with my husband.

Who's fighting?

Fine. But if you want me to go, my driver's right outside.

No.

No.

Let's just talk about something else.

Or we don't have to talk.

Mmm.

They had a whole f*cking meeting about it at the network.

They have f*cking meetings about everything.

They have f*cking meetings about f*cking meetings.

You've got to stop this.

You're gorgeous. End of story.

Okay, I got to go back to you're really not the best person to judge.

All right, let's say you are a chunk.

Let's say you're a big, fat chunk.

So what?

So what?

Do you think if I could see I wouldn't still be here?

No, you're right. You married the pot.

And you weren't even blind yet.

You know what?

I don't like you like this.

Like what, fat?

Call me when you're ready to be a person.

Will do!

As soon as I can get my fat fingers to push the buttons on the phone!

Ho, ho, ho!


(PHONE VIBRATING)

Hello?

Why did I agree to do this?

Hi, honey.

A date? A date?

I haven't been on a date in 10 years!

And even then, I was sh1t at it.

You'll be fine.

You wouldn't say that if you'd ever dated me.

I'm serious. I am awful at it.

The minute it's a "date,"

I become this whole other person.

I feel judged. I judge myself.

I sweat. A normal sentence becomes a clusterfuck of words...

All right, relax.

It's just a date.

They're going to give you alcohol.

They're going to give you food.

In two hours, you're done.

It's like a flight to Omaha.

Only when it's over, you're not in Omaha.

I wish I was in Omaha.

Stop freaking yourself out.

Okay? It's not like you have to sleep with him.

I wasn't even thinking about sleeping with him.

You serious?

Then why are you putting yourself through this?

So, you look really nice.

Oh, I don't but thank you.

Yes, you do.

And you're welcome.

Oh, well, it's new.

In the shop it looked black.

Turns out it's swamp.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Oh, olives.

Oh, too spicy?

Sorry, I should have warned you.

No. (CLEARS THROAT) They're delicious.

You okay?

I'm great. This is fun.

So, house painting.

I'll bet you've got some stories.

You can spit it out.

Mmm-mmm.

Why don't we move those?

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm.

Bev?

(WHISPERS) Oh, Christ.

How small is this world?

Much too small.

Andrew, Rob, Rob, Andrew.

Hey.

Andrew was our PA.

Now he's a big-time screenwriter.

Oh.

And director.

Yes. Right.

Olive?

That's very kind.

But no, I don't want to fill up.

Big dinner here.

So where's Sean?

Uh, I don't know, actually.

What?

No!

Oh, no, oh, God, you're kidding me.

No, no way.

I'm so sorry.

It's all really fine.

No, it's not, if you two can't make it what hope is there for the rest of us?

Anyway...

Oh, right.

I should get out of here.

This is getting cold.

Got Keanu waiting in the car.

Nice to see you. Again.

Go, Andrew, go.

No.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Sean: Hello?

Are you near your computer?

Why?

Just go to your computer.

I sent you a link.

Am I going to hate this?

Not as much as Matt.

Oh, Christ.

And plaid? What is he thinking?

Let's just hope he doesn't see this.

This hummus is wonderful.

It's not too hummusy.

You know how sometimes hummus can just have too much...

Hummusness?

Yes! But this has got some other flavour going on.

Mmm. Bay-sil.

Hm! "Bay-sil"?

(CHUCKLES)

Bay-sil, basil. Tomay-to, tomato.

Aluminum, aluminium.

Language is funny!

(MOBILE RINGING)

Oh, God. Sorry. I'll shut it off.

The phone, I mean. Me, I can't seem to.

Sean: Hello?

Not what I meant to do...

No, it's fine.

Let me take you off speaker.

Okay?

Wait, I'm trying...

Never mind. Just go to your computer.

Um, actually, I'm not home.

Where are you?

At a restaurant.

Oh, is Carol there?

Carol, you're gonna love this.

No. I'm not with Carol.

Can we speak later?

Who are you with?

(HESITATING)

I, uh... I'm actually on a... date.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hello?

Right.

We can discuss this tomorrow.

No need. All good. Push on.

Have fun.

(INAUDIBLE)

(MATT CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY ON TV)

I was on my bike one time...

I'd say 90, 95.

Going down the 14, middle of the night.

That was pretty fun.

A little dangerous but it was definitely exciting.

(INAUDIBLE)

(SIGHS)

(BEEPS)

Hey. It's me.

Call me when you get this.

I'm sorry I've been such a prick.

I really need to see you.

(BEEPS)

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

I assume that was your ex?

Not even ex. We're, um...

(CLEARS THROAT)

Estranged.

And that was definitely the estrangest part of this so far.

Not really.

I mean, keep in mind, he's been the one all along who's been saying, "We're done, it's over, move on".

So what did he expect?

That I'd sit in my cave and pine, which, by the way, I have done my share of.

Not in an actual cave, of course, but, at a certain point one has to...

What?

I've just had a small epiphany.

Okay.

In the grand scope of human existence, I believe I may just be the worst date ever.

Mmm...

Even with the caveat that this is my first one of these in over a decade, still, I'm a person who lives in the world. I get it.

If you want to leave right now, you would so be within your rights.

Stop.

I'm serious. I'll just glance over here at the olives, and you can slip away.

You're not stopping.

Sorry.

I'm really your first date in 10 years?

Yup. That's right.

You won that golden ticket.

Okay. Here's what we're going to do.

Tonight? Never happened.

Oh, it happened.

No, no. You are getting a total do-over.

Tomorrow night, we're gonna try this again.

You don't have to do that.

I know.

You're incredibly kind.

No. It's an educated bet.

I'm thinking you might be worth it.

Oh. I'm probably not, but...

Thank you.

Is your arm in the hummus?

It is, yes.

(DOORBELL)

I came as soon as I got your message.

I love you so much.

I know.

Okay.

(SIGHS)